Okabe:
Urgh....

Daru:
What are you doing?

Okabe:
Impossible...
How? You’re... you’re alive!
Are you a zombie?

Makise:
I’m about to scream bloody murder here in a second, mister!

Okabe:
Look, I only want to get to the bottom of this!
Wh-where are the stab wounds?!

Makise:
What is your trauma?! Get away from me!

Daru:
Feel free to slap him if he gets too grabby!

Okabe:
You were skewered like a pig! I saw it, plain as day!
Not more than three hours ago, during Dr. Nakabachi’s lecture!

Daru:
Ixnay on the azy-cray, dude! We’ve been over this! The doctor’s lecture never happened, remember?

Okabe:
But I--

Staff member:
Excuse me! They’re ready for you now, ma’am.

Makise:
Coming!

Okabe:
You can’t just saunter off--

Daru:
No, you don’t!

Makise:
You are sick!

Okabe:
Far from it! I am Hououin... KYOUMA!

[opening]

Makise:
First off, thanks for coming today. I appreciate it.
Um... It’s only fair to warn you, I’m really not all that accustomed to speaking publicly.
So, you’ll have to strap in and bear with me a little bit.

Daru:
Wow, she’s cutting her teeth on us?

Okabe:
So, I guess a zombie's out of the question?

Daru:
Will you get over this, please?

Makise:
Time machines will be the focus of our discussion this afternoon.
Kind of left field from the topic covered in my article, I realize, but I’ll try my best to sound semi-coherent.

Okabe:
Coincidence, surely.

Makise:
Personally, my assertion... is that they're no more real than the bogeyman. Tantalizing to consider perhaps, but framed objectively, something any serious physicists simply outgrows--

Okabe:
OBJECTION!!!

Makise:
I’m sorry?

Okabe:
"No more real than the bogeyman"... Hah, your evidence, skeptic. Please!

Daru:
I hope no one saw me come in with you.

Makise:
That’s not really...
Well-established theoretical foundations in virtually every branch of physics argues against the idea. I’m not a lone nut.

Okabe:
Pray, continue.

Makise:
Alright then. Fine. You’re so keen, let’s do this open forum. Wouldn’t want the conversation hijacked by entrenched naysayers now, would we?
Agreed, Hououin Kyouma?

[...]

Okabe
That...infuriating...

Makise:
Safe to say, string theory doesn’t jibe with the notion of bouncing around through time in a blue police box, however charming that sounds. [editor's note: By "blue police box", Kurisu referes to the 'TARDIS', a time machine appearing in the UK TV drama series, Doctor Who.]
Any argument from you, sir?
...
So much for Godel's view. Let’s forge ahead to the next contender. That is, I should say, if I’m not moving too fast.
...
That concludes my reasoning with regard to the quantum view. Unless, of course, the gentleman would like to point out something I missed. Feel free to jump in, sir.

[...]

Okabe:
AAAARGH! Why must she be so damnably articulate!? Blast!

Daru:
I’m gonna leave you to ramble... go find some AC.

Okabe:
...Clearly, the bastards mean for this to escalate into full-out psychological warfare! Easy enough, though. I’ll just beef up my defenses! Hahaha!

[...]

Ruka:
*huff* Eight...*huff* Hnng...nine...

Mayuri:
One more to go! You can do it!

Ruka:
*huff* Ten!

Mayuri:
And the great Ruka’s victorious! Oh, hey, Okarin’s here! Tu-tu-roo!

Ruka:
Huh? Oh, Okabe. Uh, I mean, Kyouma. Sorry.

Okabe:
Don’t tell me the password has slipped your mind yet again.

Ruka:
Huh? Oh right. El... Psy... Concrete?

Okabe:
Congroo, I’m sure you mean?

Ruka:
That’s the one. Yes.

Okabe:
Right-o. So what did you need me to carry?

Mayuri:
Oh, it’s right here. I kinda.... well you might say I wasn’t expecting the shrine to give us so much corny goodness.

Ruka:
Father received them as a gift, but we can’t eat enough to keep it from going to waste.

Okabe:
Works out for us. Your donation to the lab is most appreciated.
No doubt it’ll give member morale a little boost.

Ruka:
Really? You’re not just saying that, are you?

Okabe:
Uh...uh...

Mayuri:
Don’t you think Ruka’s sword practice is starting to pay off?

Ruka:
Thank you, Oka- I mean Kyouma wanted me to show some discipline.

Okabe:
The Samidare Blade is very close to revealing its otherworldly secrets to you, I’m certain.
Keep at it, and you’ll be a worthy wielder in no time.

Ruka:
Yes, sir!

Mayuri:
And to think, you found it in the weapon shop for only 980 yen, and they didn’t even know it was magical and stuff.

Okabe:
Well then, let’s us inspect your progress, grasshopper.
Demonstrate an exorcism!

Ruka:
Ah, well sure I guess. Except I don’t really perform them all by myself. Father's usually--

Okabe:
Argghhh!!
A malign spirit has taken possession of my right hand, Rukako! Banish it before I’m forced to do something unseemly...

Ruka:
Be right back!

Mayuri:
That spirit sure likes messing with you while you’re here.

Okabe:
Indeed, he’s insatiable!
...
Urushibara Ruka. Delicate as an orchid. Fair as a cherry blossom.
The personification of feminine grace... and a dude.
Tall as a willow, slender as a reed... a dude.
Radiant in shrine vestments... dude.
The sun dips low in the rosy sky. Cicadas buzz.
Ruka... is a dude.

Mayuri:
Bye!
...
How cool is it that we know someone who can do exorcisms?

Okabe:
Being in good with the shrine has its perks.

Mayuri:
Take that, evil spirits!
Oopsy!

Okabe:
Don’t tell me they've blocked this off!

Mayuri:
They had to. It leads to the back of the Radio building.

Okabe:
Guess that makes sense. Huh?
I’ll take the swag.

Mayuri:
Huh?

Okabe:
You got work, right? Hand it over!

Mayuri:
Hm... aren't you a gentleman?
It’s a late shift today, so I’ll probably just head on home after I get out.

Okabe:
Hey!

Mayuri:
Huh?

Okabe:
You...uhm... really don’t remember hearing that scream this morning?

Mayuri:
What? Where?

Okabe:
The stairwell of the Radio building.

Mayuri:
Hmm... that’d be the kind of thing to stick out.

Okabe:
You think so? Yeah...
Well anyway, never mind.

Mayuri:
Hehehe! You’re so random sometimes.

[...]

Okabe:
I don’t get it. No one remembers but me.
If this isn’t some elaborate prank, I’m losing my mind...

Okabe:
Shuttering up early today, Mr. Braun?

Mr. Braun:
Grr! Can’t speak for this "Mr. Braun" fella, but I am, yeah. Interviewing a part-timer.

Okabe:
You’re kidding me! Has Father Time encroached so swiftly, that help is needed to maintain a clientele-free cavern like this?

Mr. Braun:
Come closer and ask!

Suzuha:
Hey you guuuuys!
...
Sorry. That’s how all the cool kids are saying “what’s up” these days.

Okabe:
I’m guessing she’s not here to shop.

Mr. Braun:
You stay out of this!
Give me your name!

Suzuha:
Amane Suzuha.

Mr. Braun:
Your age?

Suzuha:
18.

Mr. Braun:
Reason for applying?

Suzuha:
Serious CRT buff!

Mr. Braun:
You’re hired!

Suzuha:
Aha!

Okabe:
Nice bit of vaudeville. You should take it on the road!

Suzuha:
Should I care what you think?

Mr. Braun:
Not unless you give a crap about some idiot renting the space above us.

Okabe:
An idiot, who happens to be none other than Hououin--

Mr. Braun:
Would you want me to double your rent?

Okabe:
...Okabe Rintarou.

Suzuha:
Nice to meet ya! Whatcha got in the bags?

Okabe:
Have a look! Donations in the form of intelligence corn.
I could part with an ear for a song. [idiom: cheaply]

Suzuha:
Grody! Looks like it’s made of little yellow blisters. Cool to see how it starts out though.

Okabe:
You’ve never seen...?

Suzuha:
Let me touch it!

Okabe:
Easy! Be warned, girl! Many a passing acquaintance of mine has been hounded by The Organization.
Sarah...dear Claudia...innocent Simone...

Suzuha:
That’s so tragic! Well I don’t frighten easily, mister!

Mr. Braun:
Please, don’t encourage the guy! He’s whacked enough as it is...

Suzuha:
Yeah?

Okabe:
Hah! Just keep telling yourself that, cue ball!
One day the world shall tremble beneath my feet! Hahaha!

Suzuha:
So...evil laughs are trendy.

[...]

Okabe:
The crash was right around noon. Then that corroborates Daru and Mayuri.
So it was canceled!
Makise Kurisu...
Working hypothesis: Reality and my brain are at odds.
...
What do we have here?

Titor:
SERN maintains a strict monopoly on the time machine market.
Civilians and corporations alike are banned from acquiring one.
This is how they’ve been able to implement their vision unchecked, why the world’s the way it is.
I’m here to reroute the past for the sake of your future.
I’ve come to take down SERN and thwart the dystopian mess they’ve created in my own time.
I’m here to protect freedom.

Forum poster:
Aren't you worried that by being here you run the risk of creating a paradox?

Titor:
Ah, the so-called ‘Grandfather Paradox’?
It doesn’t exist. It’s possible to meet your past self.
You’ll simply change world lines if you do.
...
You have to let go of this idea of time as a single line moving from past to future.
It’s actually comprised of infinite lines, all running parallel.
We call these “world lines.”
Let’s say, for example, someone murdered you.
By traveling back in time to prevent it, I create two divergent worlds, one where you’re killed, one where you’re not.
The same basic idea is true of all such actions. The traveler splits off to a different world line.

Okabe:
So his thing now is, that he’s Japanese?
He rears up on US message boards back in 2000, claiming he’s from 2036. Alludes to a war-ravaged future he's traveled back in time to try and steer us clear of. It takes the internet and every underground publisher by storm. Still though...you’d think a decade would’ve cooled down the imitators by now.
...
Come on, stop giving me dead links! It’s annoying.
Damn it! Why'd you have to nix all your files on the SOB?
A dozen results? No way! Ten years ago, every choad with a dot-com address was on top of this thing! [choad is a slang term that can be used synonymously with "loser"]
Impossible! No, no, no! This is wrong! I have books about him on the shelf! I’m certain I did!
...
Daru, it’s me!

Daru:
This better be good, dude, I’m with Faris!

Okabe:
Where did you move my books?

Daru:
I’m sorry?

Okabe:
The ones I had on John Titor, man!
Look, I’ve always kept them in the same place. Tell me you moved them!

Daru:
Wait! Slow down!

Okabe:
What?!

Daru:
Who the hell is John Titor?
Dude...?

[...]

Okabe:
I spent all night trying to turn up pay dirt on the man.
No stone unturned, no forum unscoured.
And yet...

Okabe (forum post):
I have a question for you, Titor! About ten years ago... the year 2000, in other words.

Titor (forum post):
That’s an interesting topic you bring up.
Unfortunately, however, I’ve never visited the year 2000, nor do I have any plans to.

[...]

Okabe:
Excuse me! What in the...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast! Uh, that is to say, hold the phone just a moment please...or rather, delete the pictures you just took of me from your phone, for your own safety!

Moeka:
I’m sorry! Apparently I’ve offended you in some way...

Okabe:
What were you taking pictures of?

Moeka:
Evidence.
Evidence I was here. I mean, of the stuff I’ve seen, I suppose you could say.
Can I show you something?

Okabe:
Sure.

Moeka:
This.

Okabe:
Quite the dinosaur you’ve got there, miss.

Moeka:
You’re an expert?

Okabe:
Sorry.

Moeka:
Do you know anyone who is?

Okabe:
Well, uh, Daru--

Moeka:
A friend of yours I guess?

Okabe:
I don’t think that’s any of your business!
Kindly delete those pictures if you would!

Moeka:
I need this Daru’s contact info! Please!

Okabe:
I think not!
I don’t believe this. You’re trying to strong-arm me, aren’t you?

Moeka:
I’ll delete it if you tell me.

Okabe:
Very well, then. But you’re mistaken if you think I’ll sell out a cohort.
I’ll give you my contact info.

Moeka:
What name should I type?

Okabe:
Can’t you read? It says Hououin Kyouma right there.
Fine. Allow me--
...
'Kay, just send me a blank text then. I’ll reply back when I have a free moment.

[...]

Mayuri:
Welcome home, meow-ster! We’ve been waiting for y-
Oh, haha! I didn’t know it was you.
Well then, welcome home, meow-ster Okarin!

Okabe:
So... how’s tricks, May'?

Mayuri:
It’s Meow-oo-shii when I’m on the clock, silly!
Oh, you know what? We should find a way to make your name kitty-ish. too!
How about rowl-ka-bey?

Okabe:
Is... Daru around?

Mayuri:
Oh, he’s lounging in the back.

Faris:
Oh, Kyouma!
What happened to your solemn oath to darken our doorway every three days, you big goofy Frankenstein?

Okabe:
Ah, blame the Organization, love.

Faris:
You poor thing! What have they done now?
Tell me you’ve got a plan! Whatever it is, you know we’ve got your back!

Okabe:
In good time. I’ll take my usual Stealth Field, thank you.

Faris:
Hang on now! When are you gonna let me join?

Okabe:
Faris, I cannot let you fight my battles in good conscience!

Faris:
Not even when I've mastered my super-secret-special move?

Okabe:
You what? Surely, you can’t have perfected it so quickly?!

Faris:
Oh, but indeed I have!
Months of hardship in the Guiana Highlands couldn’t deter me, nor the death of my beloved master! No! I HAVE THE POWER!

Daru:
You do realize I hate you now?

Okabe:
So about my text message...

Daru:
Seriously, I’m not talking to you. You’re dead to me.

Okabe:
Stop worrying! I have no interest in a girl who spews naught but falsehoods.

Daru:
Watch it! I can’t allow you to talk about my girl that way!

Okabe:
Strong words for a Don Juan. Your precious harem know you’re here?

Daru:
Nice try, chief! It doesn’t count if I fool around on ‘em with a flesh-and-blood woman.

Okabe:
Okay, change of subject, please!
Here, have a look at this!

Daru:
Whoa! That’s your classic IBN 5100.

Okabe:
Is that a big deal?

Daru:
Dude! it’s not just retro, it’s like the rarest of the rare.
‘bout a month ago, word through the grapevine had one floating around here somewhere.
Your new frenemy probably trolled the same message boards.

Okabe:
And?

Daru:
It hasn’t turned up yet.
Night Heart couldn’t even get a lock on it, so my bet is the whole thing was just a rumor someone threw out there to light a fire under the local antiquing crowd.

Okabe:
What do you think it’s worth?

Daru:
Well, it’s been about thirty years since they had them on the market.
PCs were still so pricey back then. Not many people had the scratch lying around to buy one.
Kind of the dark ages in a way.

Okabe:
Really?
Ah, and speak of the devil. It would appear this Kiryu Moeka is a woman on a bit of a mission.
Oh joy, the plot thickens.
She’s a freeter, whatever that is.
And evidently only a person of few words in person. Great.

Daru:
What’s up?

Okabe:
You owe me a lunch for not unleashing this Chatty Cathy on you, man!
"Sorry, no dice. My sources say it was probably just a rumor.
El Psy Congroo."

Faris:
Bon appetit, Meow-sters! Eat it while it’s hot!

Daru:
Bitchin'! Prepare to be impressed! I’m about to do some damage!

Okabe:
Keep it in your pants...

Faris:
I knew we could count on you.

Daru:
Oh man, this is heaven on a plate!

Faris:
I’ll be sure to send your compliments along to the chef.

[...]

Okabe:
Analysis: The gel-nanas, hitherto-fore so to be named, have been ripped asunder at the molecular level.

Daru:
Hmm. They’re basically mutant bananas, you mean.
That can’t be good. What'd you suppose is causing it?

Okabe:
I think you’ll agree the only conceivable explanation at this stage is some sort of uncommonly intense EM wave.

Daru:
What’s your basis?

Okabe:
A mad scientist’s intuition, my friend.

Daru:
Gotcha! Flying by the seat of our pants. Ready when you are, boss.

Okabe:
Superlative! Let us then commence!

Daru:
Uh... You really wanna use these?

Okabe:
Fear not, 003! These specimens are the fruit of Mayuri’s generous donation.

Daru:
Yeah, they’re hers...

Okabe:
We haven’t time to quibble over particulars, hack, for this is science!

Daru:
Okay, but I think one’s more than enough.

Okabe:
Just note, while I was willing to up the ante, you remain a one banana Cautious Carl.

Daru:
You know, I refuse to be insulted by the guy who named this machine.

Okabe:
Phone wave, real name TBA, happens to be a clever ruse to throw the Organization off our scent!

Daru:
Well, you’re the only idiot here who thinks they’re sniffing.

Okabe:
Oh, is that a fact?

Daru:
Just call it like I see it, man.
....
Done. Huh? *gasp*

Okabe:
What is it?

Daru:
It’s gone! Look!

Okabe:
Impossible!
Red alert! Implement emergency lockdown protocol "Theta 666" immediately!
Don’t give me that, damn you! There’s no time to push this through the government!

Daru:
Right now? Seriously?

Okabe:
Is this your idea of a joke?

Daru:
Ehh? Hey, if anyone’s getting punked here, it’s me!

Okabe:
Look, either you palmed it or...we have a teleporter on our hands!

Daru:
A what? You think it teleported?
Come on! That’s crazy talk!

Okabe:
Crazy talk, is it?
Open your eyes! How else does an ordinary banana go from...
...
How...the...hell....?

Daru:
That’s funny! I could’ve sworn we tore it off from the rest of them...

Okabe:
Funny, I could’ve sworn I saw you do it not a minute ago!

Daru:
Yeah. That’s what I thought...

Okabe:
I think...we might be onto something.

Daru:
Kinda seems like it, huh?

Makise:
Interesting experiment you’ve got going on there, Okabe Rintarou.
Or wait...I’m sorry, is it Hououin Kyouma?

Okabe:
Makise...Kurisu...

[credits]