Ouran High School Host Club>05. The Twins Fight!

Kaoru:
Do you remember the first time we played that game?
It was so long ago.

Girl:
Hey, you wanna make a snowman with me?

Hikaru:
Which one of us are you talking to?

Girl:
To both of you, silly.

Kaoru:
There's nobody here named "Both of you".

Girl:
Okay then, I'm talking to Hikaru and Kaoru.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Oh really?
Which of us is Kaoru and which of us is Hikaru?
Can you tell?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Let's all play the "which one is Hikaru?" game.

So, can you tell which one of us is Hikaru?

Girl:
Well, it's hard to say.

Girl:
You're identical.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Many ladies have tried to tell us apart, but so far none have succeeded.

Haruhi:
That's the dumbest game I've ever heard of.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
What?
Have you got a problem with it, Haruhi?

Haruhi:
Not really.
I just don't understand why the two of you are so popular.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
That's not very nice.

Hikaru:
I'm disappointed.

Kaoru:
Apparently, you don't understand the merits of having a pair of twins as members of the host club.

Hikaru:
Listen up.
Having a couple of good-looking guys with homosexual tendencies earns the club high points.
It also helps that the two struggle between their attraction and their friendship.

Kaoru:
And in our case, because we're twins, our relationship is taboo and therefore more intriguing.

Hikaru:
And besides, who hasn't fantasized about twins?
Having two loves is better than one, don't you think?

Kaoru:
It's a young woman's romantic fantasy.

Girl:
Well, um, yeah, you're right.
I can't take it.

Tamaki:
Hikaru, Kaoru!
When I gave you control of the club's website, I did it so on one condition that you take it seriously.

Hikaru:
We take our job very seriously, boss.

Kaoru:
In fact, last night we worked on it till dawn.

Tamaki:
Is this what you worked so hard to create?

Honey:
You look great, Haru-chan.

Tamaki:
Tell me when!

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Huh?

Tamaki:
When did you take naked pictures of Haruhi?

Hikaru:
Yes, that pose is perfect...

Kaoru:
...and your expression is beautiful.

Hikaru:
Once we're done with this shoot...

Kaoru:
...we'll let you have all the fancy tuna you want.

Hikaru:
Fancy tuna...

Kaoru:
...as much as you want.

Tamaki:
You bribed her, didn't you?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
You're imagining things.

Hikaru:
It's obvious that the photo's been altered.

Tamaki:
It was photoshopped?

Hikaru:
We did a pretty good job, huh?

Kaoru:
We've got some major photoshopping talent.

Tamaki:
You idiots!
That's a waste of your skills!
Have you no shame?
But if you're going to do it anyway, can you photoshop her into this idol photo book?
Hmm, please?

Hikaru:
Don't be ridiculous, boss.
Why don't you just...

Kaoru:
...ask her if she'd wear an outfit like one of those?

Tamaki:
I never thought to ask her.
What do you think about this, my dear?

Honey:
What are you doing with that dress?

Girl:
He looks so handsome.

Girl:
Yeah, he does, but I have to agree with Tamaki.
I'd love to see what Haruhi looked like if he dressed as a girl.

Girl:
Oh, he's so cute.
I'm sure he'd look great no matter what you put him in.

Haruhi:
Now, cut it out.
No more making weird pictures of me.
You got that?
Just what do you guys take me for, anyway?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Isn't that obvious?
You're our toy.


Haruhi:
"The Twins Fight".


Hikaru:
As we were saying, in order to entertain oneself in this otherwise boring life...

Kaoru:
...one must find himself stimulating toys.

Haruhi:
I am not your toy!
Okay?

Nekozawa:
You want a toy?
Toys... toys...
If you like toys, then you should come and visit my black magic club.
We've opened a marketplace that boasts black magic items from across the globe.
We're also holding mass around the clock.
If you visit right now, I'll even throw in a free curse doll.
You could have Belzenef as your free gift.

Haruhi:
Why is he talking to us through a crack in the door?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Wait a second.
Has that door always been there?

Kyoya:
Nekozawa senpai likes to hide.
He doesn't really care for brightly-lit places.

Tamaki:
Don't get involved with that guy, Haruhi.
If you do, you'll end up being cursed.

Haruhi:
Do you have any basis for that?

Tamaki:
Yes.
It happened during final exams at the end of the last school year.
Oooh, it's terrifying just to talk about it.

Girl:
Good morning, Tamaki.

Tamaki:
Good morning.
On that fateful day, I accidentally stepped on that weirdo Nekozawa's cursed doll, Belzenef.
Afterward, I took my exam and the entire test was written in some strange lettering.
I looked at the others around me for help and I realized I knew none of them.
I was all alone in a different dimension.

Honey:
Scary!

Haruhi:
Did that really happen to you?

Kyoya:
That only happened because you were so scared you accidentally walked into the beginning Greek class and took their exam.

Tamaki:
No!
It was a curse!
I know because three days later, I woke up and my legs were as heavy as lead!
Just how do you explain that?

Kyoya:
Your legs were heavy because you ran a marathon the day before, remember?

Nekozawa:
You shouldn't underestimate the dark powers of Berzenef, the curse doll.
All you have to do is write the name of someone you hate on his back, then that person is certain to come face to face with misfortune.

Hikaru:
Wow, this guy really is dark, in more ways than one.

Kaoru:
Supposedly he hates bright lights.
I wonder what he'll think of this.

Nekozawa:
You murderers!

Tamaki:
How on earth could you do such a thing?
Obviously the two of you don't know the true terror of black magic.

Hikaru:
I am so bored.

Kaoru:
Isn't there anything fun we can do around here?

Tamaki:
My dignity as the club's leader is being ignored.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Hey, Haruhi, we've got a favor to ask you.

Haruhi:
What is it?

Hikaru:
The next time we get a day off...

Kaoru:
...can we come over here to your place to hang out?

Haruhi:
Why would you want to do that?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
We're curious.
We want to see where you live.

Haruhi:
No way.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Aw, pretty please?

Haruhi:
No way.
You guys are just gonna make fun of me.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
No matter how much we beg you?

Haruhi:
No way.

Tamaki:
I too have been thinking that it's about time I pay my respects to our beloved Haruhi's family.

Haruhi:
No way in hell, senpai.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
We can settle this with a game.
If you can't pick up which one of us is Hikaru, then your penalty will be the two of us coming over to your house later tonight.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Okay, so which one of us is Hikaru?

Haruhi:
This one's Kaoru.
This one's Hikaru.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Oh oh, you got it wrong.

Haruhi:
No, I know I'm right.
You guys may look alike.
But you're very different.

Girl:
How did you do that, Haruhi?
Whenever they wear those hats to cover which way they part their hair, it's practically impossible to try and figure out which twin is Hikaru and which one is Kaoru.

Girl:
How can you tell them apart?

Haruhi:
Hmmm, oh, how do I put it?
It's kind of difficult to explain, but Hikaru's speech and actions make him come across a little more mischievous than Kaoru.

Kaoru:
I'm sorry, Hikaru.
I don't mean to laugh.

Hikaru:
Well, I don't see what's so funny.
I'm honest, I speak my mind, and I don't hold back.
It's sneaky people like Kaoru who are the trouble makers.

Kaoru:
Don't turn this on me, Hikaru.
After all, I'm the one who's always going along with all of your selfish games.

Hikaru:
I may suggest them, but you are the one who really gets into them, Kaoru.
If you hate it so much, then why don't you just stop?

Kaoru:
Because I hate to see you make an ass of yourself in front of everyone.
It was your idea to call Haruhi our toy, but I noticed you were quick to make a pass at her.
Admit it, Hikaru.
You're actually in love with Haruhi, aren't you?

Hikaru:
Huh?

Tamaki:
What?

Hikaru:
You've got it all wrong, Kaoru!
Man, you're such a freaking idiot.

Tamaki:
Yeah, there are some things in this world that must never be said.

Hikaru:
Why would I fall for her?
I mean, she looks like a tanuki.

Tamaki:
How dare you call her a raccoon dog?
You're gonna pay for that!

Renge:
Awesome, this is just perfect.
Our beloved Haruhi is in the middle of a beautiful, yet poignant four-sided romantic relationship.
And to make it even more exciting, two of Haruhi's admirers are twins torn apart by love.
Just the thought of it could make me eat three bowls of rice.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Oh, butt out, otaku.

Renge:
You guys are meanies.
You shouldn't say something like that to your manager.

Tamaki:
But, Renge, I thought you had a feeling for Haruhi, as well.

Renge:
Oh, I do.
But, I have no problem with Haruhi having a homosexual relationship on the side.

Haruhi:
I'm confused.
I thought you had decided to go back home to France, Renge.

Renge:
Well, I was going to start up a host club of my own, but I don't think France is ready for a host club just yet.

Hikaru:
Cut it out, already!
You're the one who's always crawling into my bed.
Talk about annoying.

Kaoru:
I only do that 'cause you look like lonely.
I wouldn't choose to sleep in your bed, you idiot.

HIkaru:
Who are you calling an idiot?
You're the one who sucks at math!

Kaoru:
Oh yeah? Well you're failing your foreign language class, you big dummy.

Hikaru:
The way you grind your teeth is definitely...

Kaoru:
At least I don't toss and turn so much that I fall out of bed.

Hikaru:
Sex pixie!

Kaoru:
Sicko!

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Your mama wears too much makeup!
That's it.
We're over.

Hikaru:
Hey Haruhi.
Good morning.

Haruhi:
Hikaru, what in the world happened to your hair?
Why is it dyed pink?

Hikaru:
'Cause pink suit me.
Don't you think it's cute?
From now on, I'm the pink haired twin.
I didn't wanna be mistaken for that Kaoru for the rest of my life, you know.

Kaoru:
Good morning, Haruhi.

Hikaru:
So, Kaoru's the blue twin?

Kaoru:
I was finally able to sleep all by myself last night.
But I ended up having a nightmare.
I dreamt that my stylist had dyed my hair pink.
It was so garish and ridiculous looking I woke up screaming.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
I'll have the A lunch.
No, give me the B pasta and the D salad!
I'll take the F capellini with the barbarie duck!
Hold on, make it a foie gras in perigueux sauce!
Stop copying me!
Why don't you just leave me alone?

Haruhi:
Amazing.
Perfect unison even when fighting.

Tamaki:
I was wondering what all the fuss was about.
I can't believe the two of you are still fighting.
You're a disgrace to the host club.

Boy:
Hey, look who it is.

Girl:
Oh, I love them.

Girl:
I've never seen all them together like that.

Honey:
We've had enough of this.
You're both to blame for this fight.
Hika-chan and Kao-chan, I want you to make up and go halfsies on this cake, 'kay?
But I want to have a piece too.
So I guess we're going to have to go thirdsies.
We're not going to be able to split the strawberry on top, though.
What should we do?
Maybe I should just take it.
After all, strawberry is all my favorite.
Oh, I forgot to ask.
Hika-chan, Kao-chan, do you like strawberries?

Mori:
You're just making it worse.
Leave them alone.

Tamaki:
Oh, Haruhi!
How do I expect to run into you in the dining hall?

Haruhi:
I was worried about those two.
So, I followed them here without even thinking.
I always bring a box lunch and I was just gonna eat it in my classroom.

Tamaki:
A boxed lunch?

Haruhi:
Here, darling, your box lunch.
I hope you're not too embarrassed but I decided to make it in a heart shape for you.
I love you.

Tamaki:
I don't care if my box lunch is in an embarrassing heart shape.
I will eat it.

Kyoya:
I have no idea what you're talking about.
But it's evident that your fantasies are completely incoherent.

Hikaru:
Haruhi, you wanna sit here with me?

Haruhi:
Ah, okay.

Hikaru:
So what's that?
What'd you bring for lunch?

Haruhi:
Yesterday's leftovers and a rolled omelet.

Hikaru:
You wanna switch with me?
I had to order something different than Kaoru, so I ended up with stuff I don't really like.

Haruhi:
That's fine with me.
This is really magnificent.
I've never tried anything like this before.

Tamaki:
Delicious.
It's delicious, isn't it, Haruhi?
I'm so glad you like it.
I want you to eat like that every day.
Well played, Hikaru.
As a reward, I'd like to trade you my lunch for your box lunch.

Hikaru:
No way.

Tamaki:
Come on, trade with me.

Hikaru:
Forget about it.

Kaoru:
So, Haruhi, is that any good?
How would you like to taste mine?
Here.
"Ah..."

Hikaru:
Quit butting in.
Get lost, Kaoru.

Haruhi:
I think I'm gonna go eat in my classroom after all.

Kyoya:
Looking at the numbers, if the situation isn't resolved, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop offering our brotherly love package.
We're down one pair of loving brothers.
Oh, Haruhi, I just want you to know there's no reason for you to feel responsible.
Even though it was your tactless comment that started this whole feud between the twins in the first place, right?

Haruhi:
Clearly, he blames me for this.

Honey:
It's weird for Hika-chan and Kao-chan to be fighting like this.
It's never happened before.

Haruhi
They've never fought before?

Honey:
I've known Hika-chan and Kao-chan since we were in pre-school.
We weren't in the same year, so I never really got to talk to them.
But I remember that the two of them always played together.

Tamaki:
Yeah, that's true.
I mean, I've only known the twin since they were in middle school, but they definitely stood out.
It seemed like they kept everyone at a distance except each other.
Believe it or not, they were even more warped back then.
When you stop and think about it, maybe this fight is a good thing for them.
Maybe it means that the twins are expanding their horizons a bit.
We should just leave them alone and let them work it out.

Haruhi:
Who knows?
Maybe it is a turn for the better.
But if this really is their first fight, they probably need someone to tell them when it's time to give in and call it quits.
And if they've never fought before, would they even know how to make up?

Tamaki:
Don't you guys think that maybe it's time you give up all this fighting?
It's driving me insane.

Hikaru:
What'd you say?
It's driving you insane?
You've gotta be kidding me.
How do you think I feel right now?
Every time I look in the mirror, I see his face.
I'm sick and tired of constantly being mistaken for you, Kaoru!
The truth is I hate your guts!

Kaoru:
You took the words right out of my mouth.
In fact, I hate you so much I bought this, Belzenef, the curse doll.
I'm going to complete the curse, Hikaru.
I'm going to write your name on his back.
From this day forward, you're going to experience nothing but misfortune and sorrow!

Haruhi:
Would you guys knock it off?
What do you think you're doing?
You don't bring something like this into a petty fight.
Both of you are at fault here but what's really sad is that you brought everyone else around you into your big mess!
Now apologize to each other!
If you don't make up right now, I'll never let you come over to my house.
Have I made myself clear?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
So then what you're saying, Haruhi, is that if we make up, we can come over to your place?

Hikaru:
I'm so sorry, Kaoru.
Even though I was just following our script, I said such awful things to you.
I'm not fit to be your brother.

Kaoru:
Don't say that, Hikaru.
I was so worried.
I couldn't live with myself if I ever thought I had hurt you.

Hikaru:
Kaoru, I'll never let you go again.

Kaoru:
Hikaru.

Honey:
You gotta be kidding.
You mean you guys were faking it this whole time?

Hikaru and Kaoru:
We didn't have anything else to do.
We were bored.

Haruhi:
They totally fooled me.

Tamaki:
Twins with too much time on their hands... are the devil.

Girl:
I'm so glad they made up.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Okay, it's time to play the "which one is Hikaru" game.

Girl:
I know, the twin with the pink hair is Hikaru.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
We have a winner!

Girl:
So are you two gonna keep your wild hair color even though you've made up?
It's much easier to tell the two of you apart now.

Haruhi:
No, it isn't.
Today, the pink one is Kaoru, and Hikaru's the blue one.
You swapped colors for today, huh?

Kaoru:
Do you realize what's happened, Hikaru?
Until now, there were only two groups of people, "us" and "everyone else."
But for the first time, someone's crossed into our world.


Tamaki:
Rejoice, Haruhi.
You're going to have an underclassman.
Someone new wants to join the club.

Haruhi:
But he's in elementary school.

Tamaki:
I wonder what he'll be like all grown up.

Haruhi:
Next time, "The Grade School Host is the Naughty Type!"

Tamaki:
The Ouran host club will be waiting for you.

Host club members:
We'll see you then.