Haruhi: No, not a thing. You could go. You can go home now. We're done for today.
Kyon: You heard what she said, our Haruhi-esque activities are over for the day. Either through skilled negotiations or outright blackmail, she managed to score all this stuff. No money changed hands. It was a-hundred percent free. There's an old saying, "There's nothing scarier than something that's free." As far as I can tell, Haruhi isn't afraid of anything. But if anyone out there knows there's something that would scare her, give me a shout. I wanna know what it is.
Taniguchi: What you got there? Presents for all the good little kids?
Kyon: Yeah, what do you think? 'Course not.
Taniguchi: Huh-huh, model guns. Right on. Didn't know you were into those.
Kyon: I'm not. These things belong to Haruhi.
Taniguchi: Oh, Suzumiya's, huh? Well, guess it must be tough for you.
Kyon: Huh?
Taniguchi: That reminds me.
Kyon: Hm? What's up?
Taniguchi: Well, the art festival is coming up, I was just wondering what you guys were gonna be doing.
Kyon: What are you asking me for?
Taniguchi: Yeah, like I'm definitely gonna get a serious answer from Suzumiya. Nagato doesn't say anything, so there's no point asking her. Miss Asahina won't come anywhere near me and the other guy's kinda creepy, you know? I'm out of options, so that's why I'm asking.
Kyon: Yeah, that's me, P.R. guy, nice guy or whatever.
Taniguchi: You're definitely in the latter category.
Kyon: Huh?
Taniguchi: Oh, yeah. I mean, you're so nice you'd stick with someone, even if you knew they were headed straight for the edge of a cliff. The typical nice guy.
Kyon: Okay, then. When I find anything out, you're gonna be the last to know.
Taniguchi: Hey!
Kyon: I already knew that Haruhi's latest path to fun and adventure was gonna lead nowhere. I didn't need to be reminded that... The thing is, me and Haruhi weren't the only ones walking down that path. There were three others who were shuffling right along with us. Now, I didn't have to worry about two of them. They'd be okay on their own. But Miss Asahina wasn't safe. I mean, you'd think if she was from the future, she could predict all the crazy stuff she gets put through. But since that's not the case, it was up to me to protect her.
Mikuru: Eeeek!
Haruhi: Well, I'm just helping you get undressed!
Mikuru: Oh no, no, no, please, don't pull...
Haruhi: Stop struggling! Come on!
Kyon: Uh...
Haruhi: Come in!
Kyon: What the!?
Haruhi: Well?
Kyon: She looks amazing in that outfit! I wonder if it's Caeanic!
Koizumi: Hello, everyone. Oh, pardon me. Oh, wow! That looks wonderful on you, really.
Kyon: Yeah, guy, no kidding. I'm having a hard time understanding why we've got a waitress here. This is the clubroom, not a café.
Haruhi: I'll tell you why, this is the costume Mikuru's gonna wear in our awesome movie!
Kyon: Really. Won't her maid outfit you make her put on work just as well?
Haruhi: Of course not. A maid provides a more personal service, usually she's in a big mansion somewhere. But waitresses are different. They work at restaurants and cafés is their services they provide for the general public.
Kyon: Yeah, I know the difference. But that doesn't explain why Miss Asahina has to wear that.
Haruhi: Uh, you get so hung up on the tiny details. She's dressed like that because it feels right. Anyway, I'm cool with it.
Kyon: Okay, but is it cool with Miss Asahina?
Mikuru: Umm... Well, this feels like it might be a bit too small for me... I-I can't... I don't...
Haruhi: It's perfect! That fits perfect, you look perfect in it. Everything's perfect!
Kyon: No use. She's made up her mind.
Haruhi: People! This is gonna be the concept for our awesome movie! As the director, I dedicated myself to providing quality entertainment for the masses. And when the credits roll, everyone will be on their feet. I'm talking standing ovation!
Kyon: Not sure what "it" is, but that has to be her costume for her class's fortune telling thing. At least, that's what I could figure out based on the answers Nagato gave to Haruhi's rapid-fire questions. Either way, I wonder what she was thinking, walking all the way over here from class dressed like that.
Haruhi: That costume couldn't be more perfect for the character I have in mind.
Kyon: How is that supposed to be perfect?
Haruhi: Look!
Kyon: No way! Is this my fault?
Koizumi: You're right. It's perfect. But then I shouldn't be surprised, I'd expect nothing less from you, Miss Suzumiya. It's wonderful casting.
Kyon: Don't smile at me. I'll turn to stone. Yeah, I hear ya.
Haruhi: Okay, Kyon. I want those guns ready for some action by the end of the day. We'll start shooting tomorrow, so we'll need 'em. Oh, and you have to figure out how to use the camera, too, got it?
Koizumi: Do you think there's going to be trouble?
Kyon: When have we ever not had any trouble with her crazy schemes? Trouble, he says. Don't make me laugh.
Koizumi: Well, it's not a laughing matter per se, but there's no reason to worry, either.
Kyon: How can you be so sure?
Koizumi: The parts she's cast us in are just characters in the movie. I seriously doubt Miss Suzumiya believes I'm a teenage esper. It's just a coincidence. It's like this, the "Itsuki Koizumi" in the movie is just a character I play. The fact that he is an esper, too. Again, coincidence. And if you're worried about her putting two and two together, it's hard to believe anyone would confuse an actor with the role they play. I'm sure some people mind, but I highly doubt Miss Suzumiya is one of them.
Kyon: Yeah, well, that still doesn't make me feel better about it. There's no guarantee that what you said is the way it is.
Koizumi: If she was the kind of person who would mix reality and fiction, then you can be pretty sure our world would be much more fantastic than it is. Consider that for a moment, you'll see. Miss Suzumiya is a rational human being, after all.
Kyon: A rational human being, he says. Well, thanks to her rational godlike ways, I've had the pleasure of being dragged headfirst into some of the weirdest situations of my young life. Haruhi doesn't even know what she's capable of.
Koizumi: Of course, we can't let Miss Suzumiya find out who we really are. I'm sure at some point, we might very well have to reveal our true identities to her, but now is definitely not the time for it. Thankfully, Miss Asahina and Miss Nagato's respective groups are in agreement with mine. To be honest, I wouldn't mind if things just stayed the way they were.
Kyon: Then that makes two of us. I'm not too crazy about seeing the world go to pieces. Huh?
Koizumi: If I might make a suggestion, you should stop worrying so much about the world, you should be more worried about yourself. If necessary, there are others who can replace Miss Nagato and I, however, there is no understudy for you.
Taniguchi: Man, all this festival crap pisses me off.
Kunikida: Why?
Taniguchi: Every time I turn around, I'm seeing people having a blast. I'm like the only one not having any fun. And seeing all the couples is the worst. I'm gonna kill somebody.
Kyon: Jealousy rears its ugly head.
Taniguchi: What does our class wanna do? A freaking survey? Ha! Lame.
Kyon: If you've got a better idea, why didn't you say something when you had a chance?
If you had, maybe Haruhi wouldn't have come up with this movie idea.
Taniguchi: Yeah, no thanks. I don't wanna be in charge of putting it all together.
Kunikida: Yeah, I wish Miss Asakura were still here. She'd do it.
Taniguchi: I know. She was double-A-plus. Really suck she had to transfer out of school. I wonder if it's too late for me to change classes.
Kunikida: Which one would you wanna go to? Are you thinking about Miss Nagato's class? Hang on, I just remembered. I saw her walking around in some kind of witch costume yesterday. What was that about?
Kyon: Yeah, like I'd know. Sorry, pal.
Taniguchi: I just remembered, the time I walked in and you and her all tangled up on the classroom floor.
Kyon: That was nothing.
Taniguchi: Yeah, I know. It was just something Suzumiya cooked up or something, right?
Kyon: Huh? Oh, yeah...
Taniguchi: I hear (xxx) sort of freak me out of that. (xxx)
Kyon: Taniguchi's complete and utter misunderstanding of that day gave me some relief. Thanks, Taniguchi. Your stupidity will save the world.
Taniguchi: Man, this is boring.
Haruhi: Okay, people. Let's shoot a movie!
Kyon: This is sudden.
Haruhi: I looked all over the school for a good location, but nothing works, so we'll have to find some place else. Come on, Mikuru, get ready!
Mikuru: Uh, do I really have to go, too?
Haruhi: Well, yeah. We can't shoot anything without our lead actress.
Mikuru: Uh, okay, but... do I have to wear this outside?
Haruhi: You sure do.
Mikuru: Can I at least wear a jacket over this?
Haruhi: No! The more you think about it, the more nervous you're gonna get. How do you expect to win the Golden Globe if you're behaving like this?
Kyon: I thought we were trying to be the "number one event of the festival" or something.
Haruhi: Oh, yeah! Yuki. Here, hang on to this. I changed your character into an evil alien witch. So, what do you think?
Kyon: She's already rewriting the script! I guess Nagato's powers could be considered magical, though.
Haruhi: Come on, Kyon, get the camera ready! Right, let's shoot a movie! Here we go!
Kyon: God help us. She looks like she's serious.
People:
Huh? What's that?
Kyon: Hey, Haruhi. Wait a sec.
Haruhi: Hm?
Kyon: It's just... I don't think it's a good idea for these two to get on the train dressed like this.
Haruhi: Hm? I don't see anything wrong with it?
Kyon: There definitely is!
Haruhi: Uh-uh, If they were buck-naked then, yeah, they'd get arrested, but they're both wearing clothes. Or maybe, you prefer the bunny girl outfit? How you shoulda said so earlier.
Kyon: After going to all the trouble to find this waitress costume, I'm shocked to hear you say that. Wait, didn't you say her being a waitress was part of the concept?
Haruhi: Right now, what's important is your ability to adapt to the situation. Adaptability is how all life on this planet evolved, right? And if you don't evolve, you're gonna get left behind!
Kyon: Then if the planet were sentient, it would have chucked Haruhi way out into space by now.
Haruhi: Look, the train's here. Come on, Mikuru! Stop stalling!
Haruhi: Hey, there. We're here!
Ohmori:
Oh, right on time, I see.
Is this the same girl from yesterday? I didn't recognize her.
Okay, then. You better get to it.
Haruhi: Just leave everything to us. All right, people. We're gonna have a quick meeting, so gather around. Here's the deal. We're gonna shoot a commercial!
Koizumi, Kyon and Mikuru:
Huh?
Mikuru: And this store is neat, and the owner is a really friendly person, too. Yeah, he's... He's a really nice guy, too! Um, then, they've been in business for a long time ever since Mr Eijiro's grandpa opened it. It's all right here from batteries to refrigerators, they have it all! And, umm, anyway come on down to Ohmori Electronics, where good deals are made, everyday!
Haruhi: Okay, cut it! I'm just not feeling the emotion in this scene. The vibes are all around, but I'm not sure how to tweak it.
Kid:
Mama, what's that?
Mother:
Shh, those are crazy people.
Haruhi: I've got it!
Kyon: Oh, for the love of God, please don't get anything else!
Haruhi: A waitress doesn't belong outside an electrics store.
Kyon: That's what you've got?
Haruhi: Give me that small bag over there, Koizumi. I need it.
Koizumi: Right.
Kyon: "Give me a camera, and I'll put a commercial for your store in the middle of the movie." "Sounds good." That's the conversation Haruhi and the owner had, cut down to five seconds, though.
Haruhi: Come here, Mikuru!
Koizumi: What a relief. Doesn't look like I'm gonna get any lines in this today.
Kyon: Hm?
Koizumi: You see, I'm also supposed to be acting in my class's stage production for the art festival. The thing is, I'm having a little trouble remembering my lines.
Kyon: You don't say.
Koizumi: I'd actually prefer it if the role I'm playing in the movie didn't have too much dialogue. I know, what if you took over the lead role for me?
Kyon: Haruhi's the one to talk to about the casting decisions. If you wanna switch with me, you should probably talk to her.
Koizumi: Do you honestly think I'm capable of doing something so frightening? After all, these are Miss Suzumiya's orders. Imagine the consequences if I disobeyed her. That's something I don't wanna think about.
Kyon: That makes two of us, then. Now you know why I'm just standing here, biting my lip and running a camera.
Haruhi: We're back!
Kyon: Wow! It's the return of Miss Asahina's greatest costume ever. The flawless bunny girl. Huh, last time I saw her in that was six months ago. So much has happened since then. Looking back, they're all such fond memories now... Yeah, like hell they are!
Haruhi: Okay, now that's much better. There's nothing like a hot bunny girl to sell a product. Get ready, we're gonna take it from the top! Kyon, fire up the camera. Take two's up!
Kyon: Anyway, we wrapped the commercial for the electronics store. A day wasn't over, though. If you recall, there was another sponsor we visited. We're trudging over there right now.
Haruhi: Okay, Mikuru. You ready? Do it just like before. There wasn't anything wrong with your performance.
Kyon: Everything was wrong with it.
Haruhi: And, action!
Mikuru: Uh, I'm standing here in front of Keiji Yamatsuchi's model shop. He opened it last year after quitting his dead-end corporate job. And models were his hobby, so he figured "why not open a store?" Unfortunately, his sales have been down for a while. And compared to last year, his first-half earnings for this year are down about eighty percent. And so everyone should come down here and buy lots of models. Thank you! Uh... Huh? You want me to hold it? You, you should never shoot this while pointing it at other people! You should only shoot empty cans with it! Huh, you want me to shoot? Ahhhh!
Haruhi: And cut it!
Haruhi: Not too shabby for a day's shooting. But get ready 'cause tomorrow we'll start out a movie.
Kyon: We've already got fifteen minutes with the commercials in the camera. How long is this movie supposed to be?
Haruhi: We'll just shoot as much footage as we can and then figure it out when we edit. Cutting it together on a computer should be a snap.
Kyon: And who's gonna be doing all the snapping? I have a feeling "editor" was one of the jobs that was listed under my name.
Haruhi: Tomorrow's Saturday, and there's no school, so I want everyone to show up on time. We'll meet at Kitaguchi Station at 9:00 AM.
Kyon: Hang on a sec, Haruhi. Don't you think you should maybe do something about Miss Asahina's costume? There's gotta be something else she could wear that's a little more appropriate for fighting. Maybe something like a plug suit or a stealth suit.
Haruhi: Tsk Tsk Tsk. Then, there would be no surprise when she actually started fighting. I want the audience to freak out when this timid little waitress starts kicking butt. It gets their attention. That's what the concept's all about!
Kyon: I wonder if she even understands the meaning of the word "concept."
Thanks for explaining what the concept's about. We all know she's from the future, but why's it so important to the story? Uh, that is, I... I mean her character. Her character doesn't have to be from the future, does she?
Haruhi: Don't worry. Those are details we can figure out when we get to that point in the story. And if we can't figure something out, we just ignore it. As long as it's entertaining, it's gonna be cool!
Kyon: But for that to work, it's gotta be entertaining in the first place. There's no point making this if you're the only one being entertained. Are you trying to get the Golden Raspberry for amateur film-making?
Haruhi: Are you kidding? We've only got one goal, to be the "number one event in the art festival of this year." And after that, we're aiming for the Golden Globes, too.
Kyon: Show me the script, then. I wanna see how it's coming along.
Haruhi: Don't worry about that. I've got all that stuff right up here. The script and the storyboards are done, and they're all ready to go. See? You don't have to do any thinking.
Kyon: If that's the way you want it.
You don't have to do any thinking, either. Sit and stare out the window for all I care. You could be as cute as Miss Asahina if you could just figure out how to be more pleasant to deal with.
Haruhi: Hm? What?
Kyon: It's nothing.
Haruhi: Okay, guys. Let's get fired up tomorrow. The only way to grab the glory is to have a positive attitude. When you free yourself from the stuff that holds you back, your hidden strength will be revealed. Then you'll be able to tap into unimaginable powers!
Kyon: You sound like a character in a manga, unleashing a counterattack.
Kid:
Look, it's a balloon.
Mother:
Oh, look at that.
Kyon: The next day. We're about to find ourselves thrown into the middle of some totally bizarre situation, d... Wait, I've lost my train of thought. What did Haruhi say again? Something like, "When you free yourself from the stuff that's holding you back, your hidden strength will be revealed, and you'll tap into unimaginable powers."
Kid:
How far (xxx) the balloon go, mamma? (xxx) going?
Mother:
(xxx) higher and (xxx) it's outer space.
Kid:
(xxx) Oh!
Kyon: Yeah, but Haruhi, you did it. You have that kind of power. You just can't ever find out about it.
Haruhi: You're late again!
Kyon: It's not even nine o'clock yet.
Haruhi: You're the last to show up. So as punishment, you're gonna pay for lunch.
Kyon: Yeah, whatever.
Haruhi: I have decided to cover everyone's bus fare. It's a necessary expense.
Kyon: Thank you.
Haruhi: Oh, yeah! I need to put this on.
Kyon: Hm? You're wearing your uniform on Saturdays now?
Koizumi: She told me yesterday I had to wear it. It's for my part, since I'm supposed to be an esper disguised as an ordinary high school student, the uniform is essential to the character.
Kyon: So you're just playing yourself.
Haruhi: There. That should do it. Okay, guys. The bus stop's over there. Come on, Kyon, hurry up!
Kyon: After half an hour of rattling around in a bus and another half hour of walking, we ended up at a location that could only be described as "The place where no one ever goes."
Man, it's hot, it's hot...
Mikuru: Umm, would you like some? I hope you don't mind I drink out of it first.
Kyon: Thanks. I'll totally have some... Uh?
Haruhi: You can have a drink later, got it? That goes for you, too. You don't have time to be given a xxxx or a drink when we've got so much work to do today. As soon as the camera comes out, we shoot. Get changed!
Mikuru: But I...
Haruhi: No one's gonna see you. Just go behind the tree or something.
Mikuru: Uh, what?
Kyon: Uh, thank you... Hey, no peeking.
Koizumi: I wouldn't dare.
Haruhi: Ta-dah! It's a color contact! It's super important for any self-respecting heroine to have different colored eyes. If one eye is different, then it enhances the character's mystic. Besides, it's symbolic, so there. It's all about the secret behind her blue eye.
Kyon: Okay, but it wouldn't really make sense if her eyes were different colors for no reason, right? So, what's the secret?
Haruhi: It's still a secret. Come on, Mikuru. Now's not the time for you to get cold feet.
Haruhi: Oh, come on, Mikuru! Don't be so shy! Keep running! Get into the character! Become the heroine! Let's try one more time from the top, okay?
Kyon: So, it looks like this is our opening sequence, folks. I was expecting to see a script or at least a treatment by now, but Haruhi said that there wasn't gonna be one.
Haruhi: If I wrote it down and it got leaked, it would be the worst thing ever.
Kyon: That's the reason she gave. I wonder when this turned into a Hong Kong production..
Haruhi: Okay! Hit me one more time, just like you did in take three!
Haruhi: Next up, we've got a fight scene between Mikuru and Yuki. Mikuru, empty your clips into Yuki, okay?
Mikuru: What? But I thought you weren't supposed to shoot anyone with these.
Haruhi: No! It's okay! I doubt that you're even gonna hit her, so just fire away. Besides, Yuki can dodge the pills that get too close to her.
Yuki: Go on. Shoot me.
Haruhi: See? She's cool with it. Light her up! Oh, but don't fire 'em at the same time, alternate! It's the basic technique of two-gun shoot-out! Yeah, sure. I guess that'll work.
Kyon: Uh, can I say something? This doesn't seem like a movie. I have no idea what's going on or anything.
Haruhi: Don't worry! It'll all come together in editing after a little cutting and pasting, you'll see.
Kyon: And who's gonna be doing all this cutting and pasting, huh? You could at least put some dialogue in the movie.
Haruhi: It's okay. We'll take out the sound and stick the dialogue in later. I wanna put in some cool sound effects and music, anyway. Don't think so hard, just go with the flow.
Kyon: Yeah, well. Since this story's on your head, I guess there's nothing for us to think about, even if we wanted to.
Do you want me to do anything?
Haruhi:
No, not a thing. You could go.
You can go home now. We're done for today.
Kyon:
You heard what she said, our Haruhi-esque activities are over for the day.
Either through skilled negotiations or outright blackmail, she managed to score all this stuff.
No money changed hands. It was a-hundred percent free.
There's an old saying, "There's nothing scarier than something that's free."
As far as I can tell, Haruhi isn't afraid of anything.
But if anyone out there knows there's something that would scare her, give me a shout. I wanna know what it is.
Taniguchi:
What you got there? Presents for all the good little kids?
Kyon:
Yeah, what do you think? 'Course not.
Taniguchi:
Huh-huh, model guns. Right on. Didn't know you were into those.
Kyon:
I'm not. These things belong to Haruhi.
Taniguchi:
Oh, Suzumiya's, huh? Well, guess it must be tough for you.
Kyon:
Huh?
Taniguchi:
That reminds me.
Kyon:
Hm? What's up?
Taniguchi:
Well, the art festival is coming up, I was just wondering what you guys were gonna be doing.
Kyon:
What are you asking me for?
Taniguchi:
Yeah, like I'm definitely gonna get a serious answer from Suzumiya.
Nagato doesn't say anything, so there's no point asking her.
Miss Asahina won't come anywhere near me and the other guy's kinda creepy, you know?
I'm out of options, so that's why I'm asking.
Kyon:
Yeah, that's me, P.R. guy, nice guy or whatever.
Taniguchi:
You're definitely in the latter category.
Kyon:
Huh?
Taniguchi:
Oh, yeah. I mean, you're so nice you'd stick with someone, even if you knew they were headed straight for the edge of a cliff. The typical nice guy.
Kyon:
Okay, then. When I find anything out, you're gonna be the last to know.
Taniguchi:
Hey!
Kyon:
I already knew that Haruhi's latest path to fun and adventure was gonna lead nowhere. I didn't need to be reminded that...
The thing is, me and Haruhi weren't the only ones walking down that path.
There were three others who were shuffling right along with us.
Now, I didn't have to worry about two of them. They'd be okay on their own.
But Miss Asahina wasn't safe.
I mean, you'd think if she was from the future, she could predict all the crazy stuff she gets put through.
But since that's not the case, it was up to me to protect her.
Mikuru:
Eeeek!
Haruhi:
Well, I'm just helping you get undressed!
Mikuru:
Oh no, no, no, please, don't pull...
Haruhi:
Stop struggling! Come on!
Kyon:
Uh...
Haruhi:
Come in!
Kyon:
What the!?
Haruhi:
Well?
Kyon:
She looks amazing in that outfit! I wonder if it's Caeanic!
Koizumi:
Hello, everyone. Oh, pardon me.
Oh, wow! That looks wonderful on you, really.
Kyon:
Yeah, guy, no kidding.
I'm having a hard time understanding why we've got a waitress here. This is the clubroom, not a café.
Haruhi:
I'll tell you why, this is the costume Mikuru's gonna wear in our awesome movie!
Kyon:
Really. Won't her maid outfit you make her put on work just as well?
Haruhi:
Of course not.
A maid provides a more personal service, usually she's in a big mansion somewhere.
But waitresses are different.
They work at restaurants and cafés is their services they provide for the general public.
Kyon:
Yeah, I know the difference. But that doesn't explain why Miss Asahina has to wear that.
Haruhi:
Uh, you get so hung up on the tiny details.
She's dressed like that because it feels right.
Anyway, I'm cool with it.
Kyon:
Okay, but is it cool with Miss Asahina?
Mikuru:
Umm... Well, this feels like it might be a bit too small for me...
I-I can't... I don't...
Haruhi:
It's perfect! That fits perfect, you look perfect in it. Everything's perfect!
Kyon:
No use. She's made up her mind.
Haruhi:
People! This is gonna be the concept for our awesome movie!
As the director, I dedicated myself to providing quality entertainment for the masses.
And when the credits roll, everyone will be on their feet. I'm talking standing ovation!
Kyon:
Hm? Uh!?
Haruhi:
Yes! Yuki, you totally understand, don't you! Yeah, that's it!
Kyon:
Not sure what "it" is, but that has to be her costume for her class's fortune telling thing.
At least, that's what I could figure out based on the answers Nagato gave to Haruhi's rapid-fire questions.
Either way, I wonder what she was thinking, walking all the way over here from class dressed like that.
Haruhi:
That costume couldn't be more perfect for the character I have in mind.
Kyon:
How is that supposed to be perfect?
Haruhi:
Look!
Kyon:
No way! Is this my fault?
Koizumi:
You're right. It's perfect.
But then I shouldn't be surprised, I'd expect nothing less from you, Miss Suzumiya. It's wonderful casting.
Kyon:
Don't smile at me. I'll turn to stone.
Yeah, I hear ya.
Haruhi:
Okay, Kyon. I want those guns ready for some action by the end of the day.
We'll start shooting tomorrow, so we'll need 'em.
Oh, and you have to figure out how to use the camera, too, got it?
Koizumi:
Do you think there's going to be trouble?
Kyon:
When have we ever not had any trouble with her crazy schemes? Trouble, he says. Don't make me laugh.
Koizumi:
Well, it's not a laughing matter per se, but there's no reason to worry, either.
Kyon:
How can you be so sure?
Koizumi:
The parts she's cast us in are just characters in the movie.
I seriously doubt Miss Suzumiya believes I'm a teenage esper. It's just a coincidence.
It's like this, the "Itsuki Koizumi" in the movie is just a character I play. The fact that he is an esper, too. Again, coincidence.
And if you're worried about her putting two and two together, it's hard to believe anyone would confuse an actor with the role they play.
I'm sure some people mind, but I highly doubt Miss Suzumiya is one of them.
Kyon:
Yeah, well, that still doesn't make me feel better about it.
There's no guarantee that what you said is the way it is.
Koizumi:
If she was the kind of person who would mix reality and fiction, then you can be pretty sure our world would be much more fantastic than it is.
Consider that for a moment, you'll see. Miss Suzumiya is a rational human being, after all.
Kyon:
A rational human being, he says.
Well, thanks to her rational godlike ways, I've had the pleasure of being dragged headfirst into some of the weirdest situations of my young life.
Haruhi doesn't even know what she's capable of.
Koizumi:
Of course, we can't let Miss Suzumiya find out who we really are.
I'm sure at some point, we might very well have to reveal our true identities to her, but now is definitely not the time for it.
Thankfully, Miss Asahina and Miss Nagato's respective groups are in agreement with mine.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind if things just stayed the way they were.
Kyon:
Then that makes two of us. I'm not too crazy about seeing the world go to pieces. Huh?
Koizumi:
If I might make a suggestion, you should stop worrying so much about the world, you should be more worried about yourself.
If necessary, there are others who can replace Miss Nagato and I, however, there is no understudy for you.
Taniguchi:
Man, all this festival crap pisses me off.
Kunikida:
Why?
Taniguchi:
Every time I turn around, I'm seeing people having a blast. I'm like the only one not having any fun.
And seeing all the couples is the worst. I'm gonna kill somebody.
Kyon:
Jealousy rears its ugly head.
Taniguchi:
What does our class wanna do? A freaking survey? Ha! Lame.
Kyon:
If you've got a better idea, why didn't you say something when you had a chance?
If you had, maybe Haruhi wouldn't have come up with this movie idea.
Taniguchi:
Yeah, no thanks. I don't wanna be in charge of putting it all together.
Kunikida:
Yeah, I wish Miss Asakura were still here. She'd do it.
Taniguchi:
I know. She was double-A-plus. Really suck she had to transfer out of school.
I wonder if it's too late for me to change classes.
Kunikida:
Which one would you wanna go to? Are you thinking about Miss Nagato's class?
Hang on, I just remembered. I saw her walking around in some kind of witch costume yesterday.
What was that about?
Kyon:
Yeah, like I'd know. Sorry, pal.
Taniguchi:
I just remembered, the time I walked in and you and her all tangled up on the classroom floor.
Kyon:
That was nothing.
Taniguchi:
Yeah, I know. It was just something Suzumiya cooked up or something, right?
Kyon:
Huh? Oh, yeah...
Taniguchi:
I hear (xxx) sort of freak me out of that. (xxx)
Kyon:
Taniguchi's complete and utter misunderstanding of that day gave me some relief.
Thanks, Taniguchi. Your stupidity will save the world.
Taniguchi:
Man, this is boring.
Haruhi:
Okay, people. Let's shoot a movie!
Kyon:
This is sudden.
Haruhi:
I looked all over the school for a good location, but nothing works, so we'll have to find some place else.
Come on, Mikuru, get ready!
Mikuru:
Uh, do I really have to go, too?
Haruhi:
Well, yeah. We can't shoot anything without our lead actress.
Mikuru:
Uh, okay, but... do I have to wear this outside?
Haruhi:
You sure do.
Mikuru:
Can I at least wear a jacket over this?
Haruhi:
No! The more you think about it, the more nervous you're gonna get.
How do you expect to win the Golden Globe if you're behaving like this?
Kyon:
I thought we were trying to be the "number one event of the festival" or something.
Haruhi:
Oh, yeah! Yuki. Here, hang on to this.
I changed your character into an evil alien witch. So, what do you think?
Kyon:
She's already rewriting the script!
I guess Nagato's powers could be considered magical, though.
Haruhi:
Come on, Kyon, get the camera ready!
Right, let's shoot a movie! Here we go!
Kyon:
God help us. She looks like she's serious.
People:
Huh? What's that?
Kyon:
Hey, Haruhi. Wait a sec.
Haruhi:
Hm?
Kyon:
It's just... I don't think it's a good idea for these two to get on the train dressed like this.
Haruhi:
Hm? I don't see anything wrong with it?
Kyon:
There definitely is!
Haruhi:
Uh-uh, If they were buck-naked then, yeah, they'd get arrested, but they're both wearing clothes.
Or maybe, you prefer the bunny girl outfit? How you shoulda said so earlier.
Kyon:
After going to all the trouble to find this waitress costume, I'm shocked to hear you say that.
Wait, didn't you say her being a waitress was part of the concept?
Haruhi:
Right now, what's important is your ability to adapt to the situation.
Adaptability is how all life on this planet evolved, right?
And if you don't evolve, you're gonna get left behind!
Kyon:
Then if the planet were sentient, it would have chucked Haruhi way out into space by now.
Haruhi:
Look, the train's here.
Come on, Mikuru! Stop stalling!
Haruhi:
Hey, there. We're here!
Ohmori:
Oh, right on time, I see.
Is this the same girl from yesterday? I didn't recognize her.
Okay, then. You better get to it.
Haruhi:
Just leave everything to us.
All right, people. We're gonna have a quick meeting, so gather around.
Here's the deal. We're gonna shoot a commercial!
Koizumi, Kyon and Mikuru:
Huh?
Mikuru:
And this store is neat, and the owner is a really friendly person, too.
Yeah, he's... He's a really nice guy, too!
Um, then, they've been in business for a long time ever since Mr Eijiro's grandpa opened it.
It's all right here from batteries to refrigerators, they have it all!
And, umm, anyway come on down to Ohmori Electronics, where good deals are made, everyday!
Haruhi:
Okay, cut it!
I'm just not feeling the emotion in this scene. The vibes are all around, but I'm not sure how to tweak it.
Kid:
Mama, what's that?
Mother:
Shh, those are crazy people.
Haruhi:
I've got it!
Kyon:
Oh, for the love of God, please don't get anything else!
Haruhi:
A waitress doesn't belong outside an electrics store.
Kyon:
That's what you've got?
Haruhi:
Give me that small bag over there, Koizumi. I need it.
Koizumi:
Right.
Kyon:
"Give me a camera, and I'll put a commercial for your store in the middle of the movie." "Sounds good."
That's the conversation Haruhi and the owner had, cut down to five seconds, though.
Haruhi:
Come here, Mikuru!
Koizumi:
What a relief. Doesn't look like I'm gonna get any lines in this today.
Kyon:
Hm?
Koizumi:
You see, I'm also supposed to be acting in my class's stage production for the art festival.
The thing is, I'm having a little trouble remembering my lines.
Kyon:
You don't say.
Koizumi:
I'd actually prefer it if the role I'm playing in the movie didn't have too much dialogue.
I know, what if you took over the lead role for me?
Kyon:
Haruhi's the one to talk to about the casting decisions.
If you wanna switch with me, you should probably talk to her.
Koizumi:
Do you honestly think I'm capable of doing something so frightening?
After all, these are Miss Suzumiya's orders.
Imagine the consequences if I disobeyed her. That's something I don't wanna think about.
Kyon:
That makes two of us, then. Now you know why I'm just standing here, biting my lip and running a camera.
Haruhi:
We're back!
Kyon:
Wow! It's the return of Miss Asahina's greatest costume ever. The flawless bunny girl.
Huh, last time I saw her in that was six months ago.
So much has happened since then. Looking back, they're all such fond memories now... Yeah, like hell they are!
Haruhi:
Okay, now that's much better.
There's nothing like a hot bunny girl to sell a product.
Get ready, we're gonna take it from the top!
Kyon, fire up the camera. Take two's up!
Kyon:
Anyway, we wrapped the commercial for the electronics store.
A day wasn't over, though.
If you recall, there was another sponsor we visited. We're trudging over there right now.
Haruhi:
Okay, Mikuru. You ready?
Do it just like before. There wasn't anything wrong with your performance.
Kyon:
Everything was wrong with it.
Haruhi:
And, action!
Mikuru:
Uh, I'm standing here in front of Keiji Yamatsuchi's model shop.
He opened it last year after quitting his dead-end corporate job.
And models were his hobby, so he figured "why not open a store?"
Unfortunately, his sales have been down for a while.
And compared to last year, his first-half earnings for this year are down about eighty percent.
And so everyone should come down here and buy lots of models.
Thank you!
Uh... Huh? You want me to hold it?
You, you should never shoot this while pointing it at other people!
You should only shoot empty cans with it!
Huh, you want me to shoot? Ahhhh!
Haruhi:
And cut it!
Haruhi:
Not too shabby for a day's shooting.
But get ready 'cause tomorrow we'll start out a movie.
Kyon:
We've already got fifteen minutes with the commercials in the camera.
How long is this movie supposed to be?
Haruhi:
We'll just shoot as much footage as we can and then figure it out when we edit.
Cutting it together on a computer should be a snap.
Kyon:
And who's gonna be doing all the snapping?
I have a feeling "editor" was one of the jobs that was listed under my name.
Haruhi:
Tomorrow's Saturday, and there's no school, so I want everyone to show up on time.
We'll meet at Kitaguchi Station at 9:00 AM.
Kyon:
Hang on a sec, Haruhi. Don't you think you should maybe do something about Miss Asahina's costume?
There's gotta be something else she could wear that's a little more appropriate for fighting.
Maybe something like a plug suit or a stealth suit.
Haruhi:
Tsk Tsk Tsk.
Then, there would be no surprise when she actually started fighting.
I want the audience to freak out when this timid little waitress starts kicking butt.
It gets their attention. That's what the concept's all about!
Kyon:
I wonder if she even understands the meaning of the word "concept."
Thanks for explaining what the concept's about. We all know she's from the future, but why's it so important to the story?
Uh, that is, I... I mean her character. Her character doesn't have to be from the future, does she?
Haruhi:
Don't worry. Those are details we can figure out when we get to that point in the story.
And if we can't figure something out, we just ignore it.
As long as it's entertaining, it's gonna be cool!
Kyon:
But for that to work, it's gotta be entertaining in the first place.
There's no point making this if you're the only one being entertained.
Are you trying to get the Golden Raspberry for amateur film-making?
Haruhi:
Are you kidding? We've only got one goal, to be the "number one event in the art festival of this year."
And after that, we're aiming for the Golden Globes, too.
Kyon:
Show me the script, then. I wanna see how it's coming along.
Haruhi:
Don't worry about that. I've got all that stuff right up here.
The script and the storyboards are done, and they're all ready to go.
See? You don't have to do any thinking.
Kyon:
If that's the way you want it.
You don't have to do any thinking, either.
Sit and stare out the window for all I care.
You could be as cute as Miss Asahina if you could just figure out how to be more pleasant to deal with.
Haruhi:
Hm? What?
Kyon:
It's nothing.
Haruhi:
Okay, guys. Let's get fired up tomorrow.
The only way to grab the glory is to have a positive attitude.
When you free yourself from the stuff that holds you back, your hidden strength will be revealed.
Then you'll be able to tap into unimaginable powers!
Kyon:
You sound like a character in a manga, unleashing a counterattack.
Kid:
Look, it's a balloon.
Mother:
Oh, look at that.
Kyon:
The next day.
We're about to find ourselves thrown into the middle of some totally bizarre situation, d...
Wait, I've lost my train of thought. What did Haruhi say again?
Something like, "When you free yourself from the stuff that's holding you back, your hidden strength will be revealed, and you'll tap into unimaginable powers."
Kid:
How far (xxx) the balloon go, mamma? (xxx) going?
Mother:
(xxx) higher and (xxx) it's outer space.
Kid:
(xxx) Oh!
Kyon:
Yeah, but Haruhi, you did it. You have that kind of power.
You just can't ever find out about it.
Haruhi:
You're late again!
Kyon:
It's not even nine o'clock yet.
Haruhi:
You're the last to show up. So as punishment, you're gonna pay for lunch.
Kyon:
Yeah, whatever.
Haruhi:
I have decided to cover everyone's bus fare. It's a necessary expense.
Kyon:
Thank you.
Haruhi:
Oh, yeah! I need to put this on.
Kyon:
Hm? You're wearing your uniform on Saturdays now?
Koizumi:
She told me yesterday I had to wear it.
It's for my part, since I'm supposed to be an esper disguised as an ordinary high school student, the uniform is essential to the character.
Kyon:
So you're just playing yourself.
Haruhi:
There. That should do it.
Okay, guys. The bus stop's over there. Come on, Kyon, hurry up!
Kyon:
After half an hour of rattling around in a bus and another half hour of walking, we ended up at a location that could only be described as "The place where no one ever goes."
Man, it's hot, it's hot...
Mikuru:
Umm, would you like some? I hope you don't mind I drink out of it first.
Kyon:
Thanks. I'll totally have some... Uh?
Haruhi:
You can have a drink later, got it? That goes for you, too.
You don't have time to be given a xxxx or a drink when we've got so much work to do today.
As soon as the camera comes out, we shoot. Get changed!
Mikuru:
But I...
Haruhi:
No one's gonna see you. Just go behind the tree or something.
Mikuru:
Uh, what?
Kyon:
Uh, thank you...
Hey, no peeking.
Koizumi:
I wouldn't dare.
Haruhi:
Ta-dah! It's a color contact!
It's super important for any self-respecting heroine to have different colored eyes.
If one eye is different, then it enhances the character's mystic.
Besides, it's symbolic, so there.
It's all about the secret behind her blue eye.
Kyon:
Okay, but it wouldn't really make sense if her eyes were different colors for no reason, right?
So, what's the secret?
Haruhi:
It's still a secret.
Come on, Mikuru. Now's not the time for you to get cold feet.
Haruhi:
Oh, come on, Mikuru! Don't be so shy! Keep running! Get into the character! Become the heroine!
Let's try one more time from the top, okay?
Kyon:
So, it looks like this is our opening sequence, folks.
I was expecting to see a script or at least a treatment by now, but Haruhi said that there wasn't gonna be one.
Haruhi:
If I wrote it down and it got leaked, it would be the worst thing ever.
Kyon:
That's the reason she gave. I wonder when this turned into a Hong Kong production..
Haruhi:
Okay! Hit me one more time, just like you did in take three!
Haruhi:
Next up, we've got a fight scene between Mikuru and Yuki.
Mikuru, empty your clips into Yuki, okay?
Mikuru:
What? But I thought you weren't supposed to shoot anyone with these.
Haruhi:
No! It's okay! I doubt that you're even gonna hit her, so just fire away.
Besides, Yuki can dodge the pills that get too close to her.
Yuki:
Go on. Shoot me.
Haruhi:
See? She's cool with it. Light her up!
Oh, but don't fire 'em at the same time, alternate!
It's the basic technique of two-gun shoot-out!
Yeah, sure. I guess that'll work.
Kyon:
Uh, can I say something?
This doesn't seem like a movie.
I have no idea what's going on or anything.
Haruhi:
Don't worry! It'll all come together in editing after a little cutting and pasting, you'll see.
Kyon:
And who's gonna be doing all this cutting and pasting, huh?
You could at least put some dialogue in the movie.
Haruhi:
It's okay. We'll take out the sound and stick the dialogue in later.
I wanna put in some cool sound effects and music, anyway.
Don't think so hard, just go with the flow.
Kyon:
Yeah, well. Since this story's on your head, I guess there's nothing for us to think about, even if we wanted to.