Haruhi>02. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Ⅱ

Kyon:
Well, it's been about a month since we started school.
And I've been enjoying my early-morning hikes about as much as I could, although I sorta feel like Sisyphus, cursed to forever roll that boulder up the hill, trying to make it to the top.
And then something hit me.
Something that felt like an 8.0 earthquake, which brought my normal life to a grinding halt.
No, that's not quite right.
Actually something was starting to happen.

Haruhi:
If it doesn't exist, I should just make it myself!
Make a club!
And you're gonna help me with it.
I just figured out what we're gonna call ourselves--the SOS Brigade!

Kyon:
And so begins my never ending hell, thanks to the eccentric Haruhi Suzumiya.

Asakura:
Good morning!

Kyon:
Oh, morning.

Asakura:
I forgot I had class duties today.
I have to get the class log from the teacher's lounge.
I have to hurry.
I'll see you in class.

Kyon:
Hard to believe a girl like that's in my class, along with...

Haruhi:
Hey, Kyon.
Can you think of anything else we're gonna need right now?

Kyon:
What do you mean?

Haruhi:
I wanna get my hands on a mysterious transfer student.
What do you think of that?

Kyon:
I beg you, please start the conversation by making the context clear.

Haruhi:
It's exactly what the SOS brigade needs.
We need something like a mysterious transfer student.

Kyon:
Okay, before you kidnap anyone else, what do you mean by "mysterious"?

Haruhi:
Check it out: School started less than two months ago, right?
So I'm thinking that anybody who transfers into our school right now has to be mysterious.
Am I right?

Kyon:
Maybe the kid's dad got relocated because of work.

Haruhi:
Oh, work with me here. It's not normal.

Kyon:
I'd sorta like to know what you consider "normal," but I'm almost afraid to ask.

Haruhi:
I wonder if we'll get anyone like that--a mysterious transfer student.

Kyon:
I guess in other words, you don't really give a damn about anything I say at all, whatever...


Kyon:
Apparently, there's a rumor floating around school that Haruhi and I are up to something.

Taniguchi:
Level with me. What are you and Suzumiya up to?
You guys wouldn't happen to be dating or anything, would ya?

Kyon:
No, we're not dating.
And trust me; I'd also like to know what we're supposedly up to.
I don't have any idea what I'm doing anymore.

Taniguchi:
Just don't over-do it.
You're not in junior high anymore.
You guys mess up the school or anything, you'll get suspended at the very least.

Kyon:
At least I can keep Yuki Nagato and Mikuru Asahina from getting involved in anything too crazy.


Kyon:
Since the SOS Brigade was founded, the once empty room of the former literary club now has lots of things in it.
Maybe she's planning on living here or something.

Haruhi:
You know what, it would be great to have a computer in here.
We're living in the information age, we don't even have a computer.
I can't forgive them.

Kyon:
And who is it you can't forgive?

Haruhi:
What do you say? Let's go get one!

Kyon:
Do you have any idea how we're gonna get one?
You're not gonna rob a computer store, are you?

Haruhi:
No way!
We're gonna hit some place closer.

Haruhi:
Hi, everyone!
I've come for a computer and all the accessories that go with it!
Who one here's the president?

President:
I guess that'd be me.

Haurhi:
There's only one reason why I would schlep all the way over here to the computer club.
I'm here for a computer.
I only need one.

President:
Excuse me, you crazy or something?

Haruhi:
We only need one, and you guys got a whole bunch in here.

President:
Hang on a sec. Who the heck are you, anyway?

Haruhi:
We are the SOS Brigade.
And I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, the leader.
And these are my henchmen, number one and number two.
Don't give me any crap, just hand over a computer and no one gets hurt.

President:
Why the hell should I?
I'm not giving you guys anything.

Haruhi:
Hmmm?


President:
Hm?


Haruhi:
Okay.
Here's how this is gonna go down, boys.
So try to pay attention!

Mikuru:
(Scream)

President:
Wh-What are you doing?

Haruhi:
And one more shot!

President:
What are you doing?

Haurhi:
I have photographic evidence of blatant sexual harassment.
If you don't want any of these pics to show up all over campus, hand over a computer and be quick about it.

President:
This is ludicrous!
You forced me to touch her breasts!
I'm innocent, I tell you!

Haurhi:
Wonder how many people are gonna listen to your side of the story, you sexual harasser?

President:
What? Hang on!
All the club members here are witnesses!

Member 1:
That's right.

Member 2:
Yeah, it wasn't his fault.

Haruhi:
Then I'll tell everyone at school that all you geeks ganged up on her and ***ed her.

Kyon:
You out of your mind or something?

Haruhi:
Well chief, you gonna hand it over or not?

Mikuru:
M-Miss Suzumiya...

President:
That's...
Take whichever one you want...

Member 1:
Get up, man.

Member 2:
Get a hold of yourself.

Member 3:
It's gonna be okay.

Member4:
We'll figure this out, sir.

Member5:
Don't cry!

Kyon:
It's like a bad comic skit or something.

Haruhi:
All right!


Haruhi:
Which one's the latest model?

President:
Give me one good reason why I should tell you that!

Haruhi:
Hmm...

President:
That one...

Haruhi:
I almost forgot, I got a list from a computer store yesterday.
It's got all the newest models on it.
And it looks like this computer's not listed.
I think I'll take that one.

President:
W-Wait! That's the machine we just bought, you can't do it.
.... Take it, you thief.

Kyon:
Yeah, you got that right.
She is a thief.

Haruhi:
Hey, Kyon.


Kyon:
Hm?


Haruhi:
Could you get this?

Kyon:
And just like that, Haruhi procured a state-of-the-art computer.
It was only then, she learned that the literary club wasn't wired for Internet use.
So she called the computer club over to run a LAN cable between our rooms.
She also had them set this up, so we could connect using the school's domain.
Can you say extortion?
Good.

Kyon:
Come on, what do you say we go back to the others?
Miss Asahina, I was thinking maybe it's best you don't get involved with this Brigade thing.
I mean, who knows what she'll end up doing to you if you stay?

Mikuru:
No, it's all right, I guess.
But you'll stay too, won't you?
I guess the probability of this happening on this particular time-plane's unavoidable.

Kyon:
Huh?

Mikuru:
And I'm worried about why Miss Nagato's here, too.

Kyon:
What'd you say?

Mikuru:
Huh? Oh, nothing. I was just burbling.
I might be a little inexperienced, but I know I'm going to get along with everyone here.
By the way, you don't have to be so formal.
Please just call me Mikuru, if you don't mind.

Kyon:
Okay... so, what's next?
So, about this website, who are you gonna get to make it?

Haruhi:
That'd be you.
Beats sitting around being bored all the time.
I have to go out and find some more members now.
Oh, and make sure you finish the site in the next couple of days.
The club's dead in the water until we have our site up and running.

Kyon:
I'm building a website, huh?
Despite my griping, I kind of enjoy making it.
The guys from the computer club installed all the software for me, so it wasn't too hard to figure out.
Not a bad way of spending an otherwise boring lunch.
Okay. What am I supposed to put on it?
I mean, I still had absolutely no idea what the SOS Brigade was actually going to do.

Hey Nagato, is there anything you want me to put on the site?

Nagato:
No, there's not.

Kyon:
Not that I should get involved, but... does this girl even go to class?

Kyon:
Oh, crap. I gotta go to class.
Huh?

Nagato:
Take it. I'll lend this to you.

Kyon:
Okay, I'm still not sold on this whole Brigade thing.
So why do I find myself eagerly commuting to the clubroom?
Why?
Is it simply what you call "habit"?


Kyon:
Hey!
These two can't be that bored, can they?
Can't say I'm not bored either, but...

Mikuru:
Where's Miss Suzumiya?

Kyon:
Dunno.
By the time I managed to get to our sixth period class, she wasn't there.
How much you wanna bet she's out there right now extorting more gear from somebody?

Mikuru:
Will I be forced to do something like yesterday?

Kyon:
You'll be fine, trust me.
I'm not gonna let anything like that happen to you ever again.

Mikuru:
You mean you'll protect me?
Oh, thank you so much.
Guess I'll be counting on you, then?

Kyon:
It's an honor to be counted on.

Haruhi:
YAHOOOOOOO!

Kyon:
"Yahoo"?

Haruhi:
First, take a look at this!

Kyon:
"SOS Brigade and the explanation of our general policies"...

Haruhi:
And now, for this.
Tadada-da-dadaaaa!
We're gonna pass out flyers, wearing these.

Kyon:
Where at?

Haruhi:
The main gate.
There's a bunch of students still hanging out on campus.

Kyon:
And what exactly are we wearing?

Haruhi:
You are not the one wearing it.
I got this outfit for Mikuru.

Mikuru:
What?

Haruhi:
A bunny girl costume!

Mikuru:
But... how... how am I supposed to...?

Haruhi:
Come on, put it on! Get dressed.

Mikuru:
I don't want to.

Haruhi:
Shut up and strip, come on, girl!

Mikuru:
No!

Haruhi:
Get this top off first.

Kyon:
Hey Suzumiya, stop it!

Mikuru:
Please no, no, don't look!

Haruhi:
[It's / Quit] struggling!

Mikuru:
Hold on, I don't want...

Haruhi:
Mikuru, put it on! Come on, Mikuru, take it off, take it off, take it off!

Mikuru:
No... Don't! Oh, just let me do take it off myself... no, no!

Students:
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go...

Haruhi:
You can come in now.

Kyon:
She is like an evil overlord.

Haruhi:
Well, think we'll get some attention now, or what?

Kyon:
Don't think that'll be a problem.
Nagato wasn't into it?

Haruhi:
Nah, I could only afford two of them.
I got the deluxe sets, so they were expensive.

Kyon:
Where'd you buy these things?

Haruhi:
I got them online.

Kyon:
I see.

Haruhi:
Well, we'll be going now.
Come on, Mikuru, let's head out!

Mikuru:
Huh? No, I don't want it... No!

Haruhi:
Let's go! Yeah!

Kyon:
Sorry, honestly though, that outfit's killing me right now.
My passion is going through the roof [for you/here].

Kyon:
Oh, brother... It's still warm from her body heat.


Kyon:
"The SOS Brigade and the explanation of our general policies."

Haruhi:
"We, the SOS Brigade, are committed to seeking out mysteries in this universe.
To anyone who has experienced strange phenomena in the past, anyone who has had a mysterious experience recently, or anyone who plans on having a weird experience in the future.
If any of the above applies to you, come see us!
We'll help you find the answers you need fast.
However, if your mystery's ordinary, we can't help you.
We only accept phenomena and/or mysteries that freak us out.
Please keep that in mind."

Kyon:
I think I'm starting to understand the reason for this Brigade's existence.

Haruhi:
They pissed me off so much!
I mean, what's with those stupid teachers?
They're always butting in!

Kyon:
So what happened out there?
Did you guys get in trouble?

Haruhi:
Unbelievable!
We passed out a half of our flyers and teachers came out of nowhere telling us to stop!
Who do they think they are?!

Kyon:
If two girls in bunny suits were passing out flyers in front of the school, everybody'd come running to check that out.

Haruhi:
Mikuru starts sobbing. I get yanked to the detention.
And Okabe, that handball freak comes over...!

Kyon:
I'm sure they didn't know what to keep their eyes focused on.

Haruhi:
Well, I guess that's it for today.
Dismissed!
How long are you gonna cry, anyway.
Let's go take it off, come on!

Mikuru:
Um, say Kyon...
If I find I'm unable to get married after all this, would you be willing to marry me?

Kyon:
What should I say?
Miss Asahina, you look like you just found out you didn't get accepted into college, or like someone who's lost her job the day after buying her dream-house.
Wait, oh, man, now you're calling me Kyon, too.


Kyon:
By the next day, the name Haruhi Suzumiya had become infamous.
Now everyone in school is talking about her.

Taniguchi:
Hey there, Kyon. Hate to say it, but it looks like you've gone and done it.
You've become one of "Suzumiya's gang of weirdos", huh.

Kyon:
Oh, shut up!
The sucky thing about being a part of all this is that my name and Miss Asahina's are now floating around the campus, too.

Kunikida:
I couldn't believe what I was seeing yesterday--a couple of bunny girls hanging out by the school's main gate!
I mean, the girl in red was Mikuru Asahina, wasn't it?

Taniguchi:
Now everybody in school's talking about you guys, Kyon--EVERYBODY.

Asakura:
What exactly is this "SOS Brigade"?

Kyon:
You're gonna have to ask Suzumiya.
I really don't know.
I don't even wanna know.

Asakura:
Well, it definitely looks like you guys are having a lot of fun.
But you know, yesterday's stunt was a little overboard.

Kyon:
That day, Miss Asahina didn't show up to school.

Haruhi:
Unbelievable! Not a single e-mail after all that publicity!

Kyon:
After publicity like that, I don't think anyone's gonna want anything to do with us.
I have to admit though, that stunt caught everyone's attention.

Haruhi:
Hang on, where's Mikuru?
Didn't she come to school?

Kyon:
She might never show up again.
Hope she wasn't too traumatized by all this.

Haruhi:
And I even got a new outfit for her to wear today, too.

Kyon:
Why don't you wear it yourself, then?

Haruhi:
Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna wear it.
It just isn't any fun if Mikuru isn't here.

Kyon:
Why don't you have Nagato wear it?
I doubt she'd have any complaints.
In fact, I don't think I'd mind seeing her wear it.

Haruhi:
Ahh, I got the SOS Brigade up and running, now we're just sitting around.
What is it?
Everybody holding out on me or something?
Keeping their mysteries to themselves.

Kyon:
Okay. Haruhi, look.
Ask anybody in this room and they'd say "Sure! Mysteries? Why not?"
But an ordinary high school like ours isn't gonna have a bunch of weirdness just stacked in the corner somewhere for you.
You know that, right?
I mean you do realize that, don't you?
You don't have any place to channel all that adolescent frustration boiling inside you.
Isn't that what's really fueling all this impulsive behavior?
Snap out of it!
Go find yourself a good looking guy and let him walk you home from school.
Heck, go see a movie with him on Sunday or something.
Or, why don't you try sports?
Get on one of the teams and give them hell out on the field.
I'm sure you'll make the starting line-up on any varsity team you pick.

Haruhi:
I'm going home!

Kyon:
Well, guess [I / I'll] head out, too.

Nagato:
Did you read it?

Kyon:
What?

Nagato:
Book.

Kyon:
Oh no, I haven't yet.
Do you want me to give it back to you?

Nagato:
That will not be necessary.

Kyon:
When Yuki does talk, she has a tendency to avoid the pitfalls of idle conversation.

Nagato:
Please read it today, as soon as you get home.

Kyon:
All right, I will.


Kyon's sister:
Huh? Where are you going now, Kyon?

Kyon:
I'm meeting with someone at the station.
And don't talk with your mouth full!

Kyon:
I'm sorry. Was today the day?
You weren't waiting for me here last night as well, were you?
Well, why did you pick this place to meet up?

Nagato:
Follow me...

Kyon:
So, uh... where are your folks?

Nagato:
They're not here.

Kyon:
Yeah, I know they're not here right now.
But... did they go somewhere?

Nagato:
Actually I am the only one who is ever here.

Kyon:
You live by yourself?

Nagato:
Yes.

Kyon:
So, what is it that you wanted to see me about?

Nagato:
Drink it.

Nagato:
Is it good?

Kyon:
Yeah, thanks...

Kyon:
I'm gonna explode.
Okay, you think it's about time you got around to telling me why you wanted me to come all the way out here?
Were you uncomfortable talking to me at school about it or something?

Nagato:
It's about Haruhi Suzumiya.
And in addition, it is about myself.
That is what I would like to talk about.

Kyon:
Okay, you and Suzumiya.
So, what's up?

Nagato:
It is difficult to find the words.
There might be discrepancies in the transmission of data.
However, please listen.
Haruhi Suzumiya and I are not ordinary human beings.

Kyon:
Yeah, I already sort of figured it out that you two weren't exactly normal.

Nagato:
That's not what I mean.
I am not referring to the absence of universally accepted personality traits.
What I mean is literal, and that she and I are not the same as ordinary human beings, human beings such as yourself.
I have been created by the Data Integration Thought Entity that supervises this galaxy.
I am a humanoid interface designed to make contact with organic life forms like you.
Do you understand?

Kyon:
Huh?

Nagato:
To use a common term that is applicable to this situation, I believe I would be classified as an alien.

Kyon:
An... alien...?