Sir Hellsing: All flesh is grass, and all the comeliness thereof as the flower of the field. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth, but the word of our God abideth forever!

Alucard: Have I been... bested, sir...?

Sir Hellsing: Yes, you are bested. This is not a nightmare you will be awaking from. Your castles are plundered, your dominions in ruin, your servants destroyed. And the girl has fled this place forever more! She will never be yours, Count!

Sir Hellsing: You are judged and found wanting, Vampire King! You have nothing. You are nothing. Nothing!


Alucard: Dreaming... it was just a dream... Hmph. It was nothing.


HELLSING II


Sir Islands: Well now... the situation must be impossibly dire if you've got the gall to convene a round table conference. Am I right, Sir Integra?

Sir Integra: Yes.

Round Table Member: Civilian reports of vampire attacks on British soil have been rising steadily over the past few months.

Round Table Member: We can’t keep this quiet for much longer.

Round Table Member: There are limits to the information we can suppress. What is going on, Sir Integra?

Sir Integra: We have been conducting a thorough investigation into the matter, and finally we have come across our first solid piece of evidence.

Sir Islands: Hmm.

Sir Penwood: And what is that supposed to be?

Sir Integra: A transmitter, perhaps much more. We’ve been finding these microchips embedded within the vampires. These chips seem to relay information regarding the creature’s physical and mental state, movements and altercations.

Sir Penwood: Good God!

Sir Integra: These attacks are not random; there’s someone creating these vampires, controlling them, moving towards some unknown purpose. And that’s not all, it gets worse.

Round Table Member: What?

Round Table Member: Please go on.

Sir Integra: These are different. Traditionally, ghouls come from the corpses of deflowered men and women once they’ve been drained of blood by a vampire. But not anymore. During these last few incidents, not one new vampire has been created. Even young boys and girls who were clearly virgins have become ghouls instead of vampires. Also, the traditional ghouls we’ve encountered in the past do not survive the destruction of their host. But during the Badrick incident, Vatican Agent Anderson claimed to have destroyed the vampire way before our arrival. The host vampire had already been dispatched, and yet the ghouls still walked.

Sir Islands: So what does it all mean?

Sir Integra: We are at war against a conspiracy of vampire experts, and they’re displaying remarkable skill. Gentlemen, the enemy is just like us.


Seras: Walter... What the hell is this... THING?!

Walter: That thing you’re referring to is a coffin.

Seras: I know. Why is there a coffin in my bedroom?

Walter: Oh. It’s here on orders from Sir Integra. “We can’t have a vampire who doesn’t sleep in a coffin.” So there you are.

Seras: What have you done with my bed?

Walter: I had it disposed of, of course.

Seras: AAAAAGGHH! WALLLTEEERR!

Walter: Fine. If it helps, the orders were confirmed by Alucard as well.

Seras: Master?

Walter: Yes. Since you’re still refusing to drink blood like a proper vampire, you’ll slowly become weaker. You must now sleep in a coffin filled with the soil of your birthplace. This smallest of concessions is the only way to keep up your strength.

Seras: ......

Walter: I take it you’re still feeling uncomfortable with the situation? Hm?

Alucard: You’re an idiot.

Seras: (gulps) Master...

Alucard: You chose the night. Once you’ve turned your back on the light of day, all the sunlight should ever mean to you is smoldering pain and a slow death.

Seras: ......

[Alucard smirks]

Walter: Good evening, Alucard. I have something very special I was hoping to show you.

Alucard: Oh... What is this?

Walter: The Jackal, a custom 13 millimeter anti-freak combat pistol. It fires custom-made rounds far more powerful than the .454 Casull rounds you’re used to. 39 centimeters long, 16 kilograms in weight, 6 rounds per magazine. The Jackal has more firepower than any human could be expected to handle.

Alucard: And the rounds?

Walter: 13mm explosive shells.

Alucard: Casings?

Walter: Pure Macedonian silver.

Alucard: And the tips - explosive or mercury?

Walter: Mercury tips, and are all blessed.

Alucard: It’s perfection, Walter.

Walter: I’m pleased that you’re pleased, sir.

Alucard: I bet this beauty could even stop Father Anderson dead in his tracks.

Seras: Oh my God, Master! That’s amazing!

Walter: Miss Victoria. I believe I have something special for you as well.

Seras: Huh?

Walter: The Hallconnen, a 30mm anti-freak cannon! Designed to be used with depleted uranium shells and exploding incendiary shells. This weapon will destroy all but the most heavily armored targets.

Seras: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!


Jan: (laughing) So this dude’s friend, I mean, he’s like a real doctor but, like, does the cosmetic shit on the side, right? So then that same crazy fuck with the horn comes back but now he wants a plexiglass plate for his skull. And the doctor fuckin’ does it! He makes a window! You can see the fucker’s brain and shit. The guy's got a big monster horn and his head meat on display. The guy's a freak. I mean, what the fuck! (laughs) Yeah... you get it?

Luke: Shut up.

Jan: Hmm?

Luke: The stream of dribble pours from your mouth before every job. Can we just this once try for quiet, focused and cool?

Jan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Same old shit. I know. Fuckin’ A, bro.

Luke: Failure is not an option.

Jan: Oh, please. I could pull this job in my goddamn sleep.

Guard: Hey, what are you two doing here? These grounds are off limits.

Luke: Oh, I’m so sorry. We’re on a sightseeing tour of famous English estates.

Jan: Are you saying this mansion isn’t open to the public?

Guard: This is private property. Please leave at once.

Jan: Yes, sir.

Luke: All right. (snaps fingers)

Guard: (gasps)

Jan: Dude’s lookin’ kinda queasy.

Luke: He could use a nap.

Jan: Right then, ciao. (snaps fingers)

Jan: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I said hold your fuckin’ fire! Dude, bro... these guys are complete fuckin’ idiots. Are you sure about this shit?

Luke: Please. This is a test, an insignificant ordinary test. Don’t forget the big picture. His plans are moving forward and we are but the smallest cogs in his great machine.

Jan: Fine, whatever. Now, let’s have a little fun. (snaps fingers)

Jan: Listen up, maggots! You know how the plan goes! You make the kill, you drink the spill! And if you run into Alucard or the Hellsing beeyatch, don’t you quit until they’re dead... dead... DEAD!


Round Table Member: What? What’s going on?

Sir Islands: Calm down! Sir Integra, what’s going on?

Officer: (on intercom) Sir Integra! This is Control Room 1!

Sir Integra: What happened? Report.

Officer: (on intercom) We’re under attack! It’s an unknown enemy!

Sir Integra: What?!

Officer: (on intercom) All outside communication has been cut off! We’re currently exchanging fire at the front entrance!

Sir Integra: Hold the line! Buy as much time as you can!

Officer: (on intercom) Yes, ma’am! Aah! Aaaahh! xxx

Sir Integra: Officer?! I need details! How many?! Who are we fighting?!

Officer: (on intercom) The enemy -- oh God -- the enemy are ghouls!

Round Table Members: (all gasping)


Officer: Aim high!

Officer: Goddammit! Why won’t they die?!

Jan: Hmm... Up, up! Down, down! Left, right! Left, right! Bringin’ the motherfuckin’ death by Konami! Ahh, I’m so fuckin’ hard right now... (laughing)

Sir Integra: An army... a ghoul army...?

Round Table Member: We need to buy time!

Round Table Member: First priority is our evacuation! Secure a path to the heliport!

Round Table Member: Cripes, God!

Round Table Member: What happened?! What was that?!

Officer: (on intercom) I’m afraid... it was the heliport, sir...

Round Table Member: What?!

Sir Integra: This is a very well-planned attack. Darn.

Officer: (on intercom) Sir Integra, we can’t hold this position for much longer. We’re being overrun--

Sir Integra: Officer!

Officer: (on intercom) Jesus! AAAAAAAAHH!

Sir Integra: Report! Officer?! Hello?!

Jan: Ahem! Hello? Uh, is this thing on? Cool! This message is going out to the round table conference, and a very personal and heartfelt shout-out to the queen bitch herself Miss Hellsing! ALL RIGHT! Your ass is currently being kicked by the Valentine brothers! My name is Jan Valentine. I can’t wait to meet each and every one of you. We’ll be getting intimate as soon as me and the boys finish lunch. Let me the first to thank you for providing us with all these tasty snacks! By tomorrow, Hellsing will be nothing but a pile of shit. You got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, ‘cause now I’m coming to kill you. I wanna see you cry and beg. In the meantime, I highly recommend pissing yourself followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! But, hey, there's always time to just be a man and kill yourself! Thank you London! We love you! GOOD NIGHT!

Sir Integra: ......

Round Table Member: What you plan to do about this, Sir Integra?! He said the ghouls had taken over the estate!

Sir Integra: They’re coming for us. What’s worse, we have a security leak.

Round Table Member: Damn it, Integra!

Sir Integra: What’s your position, Walter?

Walter: Miss Victoria’s room in the sub-basement. I’ve already been brought up to speed on the situation. Outside communication’s been cut off, so I wouldn’t expect reinforcements for at least 4 hours, maybe 5. In the meantime, our current forces have been ordered to defend the conference room with their lives.

Sir Integra: What do you recommend?

Walter: Well, for starters, please fortify the door to the conference room. Since both Alucard and Miss Victoria are with me down in the sub-basement, I propose we divide into two teams. Alucard will head upstairs, Miss Victoria and I will make our way towards the conference room.

Sir Integra: How will you manage? The hallway is full of ghouls.

Walter: How did you manage to find Alucard’s cell 10 years ago?

Sir Integra: The air ducts, of course!

Walter: Seems to be the best option at the moment. We’ll both be there shortly. Good luck.

Sir Integra: Walter... These animals are eating my people. Show no mercy! Do not let them leave the grounds alive!

Walter: By your orders then, Sir Integra.

Alucard: Oh... does Walter Dollneaz the Angel of Death ride again?

Seras: Uhh...uh... Come on, what are you two talking about?

Alucard: You’ll see soon enough.

Walter: Put the veteran and the rookie together, and you may as well have one normal soldier. (giggles)

Alucard: (chuckles) This could actually end up being fun.

Seras: Make you wonder, doesn’t it... if there are any normal people working in this bloody place...?


Officer: Aah!

Luke: Please, be quiet. ...Hmph.

Luke: What?

Jan: Yo, Luke, what up? Can you hear me now? This is your brother, Jan Valentine, commander of the army of the undead Hellsing slayers. Oh yeah! Letting you know the first 2 floors are secure. Now all that’s left is to take the 3rd floor, crash the round table conference and... kick the shit out of a little girl and a bunch of old people.

Luke: Just stick to the plan. Don’t give them an inch. I think I’m heading for the basement. Mmm... Well, that’s enough of that. Time to see what you can really do... Alucard.


Sir Penwood: What the hell’s going on?!

Sir Integra: They’re closing in... and fast. They’ve taken the first two floors as well as the roof. Escape is impossible.

Sir Penwood: Just do something! You’re responsible for this!

Sir Islands: Sir Penwood!

Sir Penwood: ......

Sir Islands: This is neither the time or the place for such behavior. I believe that what Sir Integra is trying to say is that we must all be expected to defend ourselves when the time comes, is that correct?

Sir Integra: Yes, sir.

Sir Penwood: But... And they’re ghouls, aren’t they...? And they’re armed to the teeth... We’re all... we’re all going to die...!

Sir Islands and Sir Integra: Hm?

Sir Penwood: Aw! It’s a... it’s a bottom? ...Oof!

Walter: Are you all right, Miss Victoria?

Sir Integra: Seras! Walter!

Walter: I do apologize for the delay.

Seras: Hi...

Walter: The manor’s defensive forces have been roundly decimated. I don’t know who armed and trained these creatures, but whoever did is a tactical genius. They knew exactly how and where to hit us.

Sir Integra: Walter, honestly, do you think we’re done for?

Walter: No. Of course not. Compared to the sorts of trouble Van Hellsing faced a century ago, I think it’s fair to say this hardly rates as a crisis. The plan is as follows, Sir Integra. Alucard will intercept our attackers in the sub-levels. Seras and I will clear this floor. Your standing orders will be followed to the letter. I promised that not one of these villains will ever see the light of day again. Now with your permission, sir, I believe it’s time I give these young people a proper lesson in violence.


Jan: Fuck, these are some fine cigars, like all bourgeois and shit! (laughs) I mean, come on! That’s just fucked up! People starvin' in the world, and she’s wastin’ money on this?! A slow and agonizing death is too good for that stick-up-her-ass bitch! I think it’s time someone gave her an old-fashioned, working-class ass-kickin’!


Luke: I know you’re in here. Even when you’re hiding I can feel your presence.

Alucard: Why on earth would I hide?

Luke: (gasps)

Alucard: Don’t dare mistake my patience for cowardice. Honestly, I was starting to get a bit bored waiting for you.

Luke: It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Alucard. My name is Luke Valentine. I’m a really big fan of your work.


Jan: Little Hellsing chickie, we’re coming to find you. Come on out and play, little Hellsing. I promise it’s gonna be a lot of fun. We just wanna torture you, kill you, maybe skull fuck your corpse a couple of times, burn the house to the ground, go home and masturbate, okay?

Walter: Oh dear... Did I miss? I guess I’m not as spry as I used to be. My name is Walter Dollneaz, butler to the Hellsing family, and former master vampire hunter!

Jan: (snaps fingers) Fire!

Walter: Bit on the slow side, aren’t they? After all a ghoul is just a ghoul. In theory, threatening, certainly tenacious, but honestly, they’re quite a distance from indestructible or invincible!

Jan: ......!

Walter: I highly recommend pissing yourself... followed by a course of praying to your impotent God!

Jan: (laughs frantically) Now that’s fuckin’ great! ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, plowin’ through you people was really starting to bore the fuck outta me!

Walter: Oh my...

Jan: Hut!

Walter: Miss Victoria, now would be a good time for some support.

Seras:Sir. Right!

Jan: Ah!

Walter: Second volley! Fire an incendiary round with the VT fuse straight through the center ranks!

Seras:Yes, sir!

Jan: Oh! Fuck you!

Jan: HAHAHA! HAH! Like that? You old fuck!

Jan: DIE!

Seras:I’ve got him, Walter! Are you all right?!

Jan: Get off, bitch! I’m supposed to be on top! Shit...

Walter: I think I’m starting to feel my age. That is quite an impressive hold. Where did you learn it?

Seras:Well, I was a police officer once.

Jan: Get the fuck off me, fuckin’ vampire slut! Is this chick the best you got? No wonders you all went down like a fuckin’ bunch of pussies.

Walter: I’ll be asking the questions! What’s the objective of this attack? Who are you taking orders from?

Jan: Me? I’m just a tourist. I was passing by, totally minding my own business and thought I’d have a look. So we cool, dude? Aargh!

Walter: Young man... the left one’s next.

Jan: We were following orders, alright!? We were told to attack the Hellsing headquarters and kill everyone we found inside! We were supposed to confirm the deaths of the round table... and your pet vampire.

Walter: Hold on... you’re not the only one in charge here? Who else?

Jan: (laughs) Wow, you’re quick! Right now, big brother Valentine is downstairs beating Alucard into a carpet stain!


Luke: Your name gets thrown around quite a bit, Alucard. The things people say. They tell stories of your amazing strength. How you glide through oceans of blood. They call you Night-walker, beyond human. A monster whose powers radiate with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself. Finally, I get to know once and for all if there’s anything to you than rumor.

[Alucard smirks]

Luke: When I was human, I feared you -- the stories, anyway. And when I gave up being human, when I became this, I began to admire you. You, the first great pioneer of immortality. No matter what the rest of us do, really we’re all just chasing your shadow.

Alucard: (scoffs) That’s ridiculous. You fool. There’s no such thing as an immortal.

Luke: Yes, I know. And once I have your head on a stick, everyone else will know it, too. So now I get to kill you and my wildest dreams come true.

Alucard: Heh heh heh...

Luke: Heh hah hah hah...

Luke: You’ve never seen anything like me before! I was designed to surpass you in every way! I was born to be your death!

Luke: Check! (gasps)

Luke: A pistol... did that...? Jesus.

Alucard: Your reflexes are amazing.

Luke: I told you, I’m completely different from any creature you’ve ever faced before! I have the sum total of your vampiric power at my disposal, all of it and more!

Alucard: (whistles)


Jan: Me and my brother, we were designed with the sole intention of killin’ you fucks! You people are so fuckin’ dead and you don’t even know it!

Walter: You’re in no position to make threats.

Jan: (laughs) Dude, you must be going senile, Alfred.

Jan: And now, for our next trick, check out Door Number Three!

Walter: My God! What have you done...?

Jan: Time to get this party started. Hah!

Walter: Stop!

Jan: AHAHAHAHA!

Sir Integra: You made it. Congratulations.

Jan: Oh, fuck me...

Sir Integra: (gasps) What?


Luke: He’s not even trying to dodge the bullets. Does he think he’s indestructible? Everything has a breaking point. He may act like he’s not injured, but he’s taking far more damage than I am. I can beat him!

Alucard: Yes, excellent! I haven’t had this much fun in ages! (laughs demonically) What did you say your name was?

Luke: It’s Luke... Luke Valentine.

Alucard: Luke Valentine. It’s obvious that your powers are beyond even the highest category of vampire.

Releasing Control Art Restriction Systems three...two...one... Approval of Situation A recognized. Commencing the Cromwell invocation. Ability restrictions lifted for limited use until the enemy has been rendered silent.
◞≼⓪≽◟

Alucard: Now, Luke Valentine, it’s time to educate you on how a real vampire does battle!

Luke: AAAAAAGH!

Luke: What are you!? What in the hell are you?!

Alucard: Come on, get up! Attack me! You’ve only suffered the loss of your legs! Summon up your familiars! Transform your body! Heal your severed legs and stand! The evening is still so young. Come on! Hurry, hurry, HURRY! Pull yourself together! The fun has just begun! Come on! HURRY!

Luke: Monster!

Alucard: So, I see you for what you really are. You’re pathetic! Nothing but useless snivelling lump of meat!

Luke: Shut up! You’re nothing but the Hellsing family toy! A dog for the Church of England, not even fit to call himself a vampire! A puppet--

Alucard: Silence! I’m a dog -- then you’re dog food.

Luke: Aah... aah... AAAAAH!

Alucard: Is that really all you had? Such a shame, I overestimated you. As a vampire you were just a pathetic piece of shit. Now you’re nothing but dog shit. The one upstairs didn’t seem like much, but they’re having more trouble with him than I would have expected.


Sir Integra: My men... They’ve turned all my men into ghouls...!

Sir Integra: Seras! That’s enough! You can stop! Seras... Please... stop...


Jan: Aargh! Ugh... Heh heh heh...

Walter: It’s all over, boy.

Jan: Nice. Come on and kill me, limp-dick.

Walter: Oh, I’m not going to kill you -- not until after you tell me who put you up to this. Then I’ll put you out of your misery.

Jan: Are you serious? You fuckin’ pussy. What up, bitch!

Sir Integra: We’ll have no more of that. I’m pissed off.

Jan: Heh heh heh...

Sir Integra: Who the hell are you people? What did you hope to accomplish here? Who’s responsible for this? Start talking!

Jan: Heh heh heh... hah hah...

Sir Integra: Answer!

Jan: Come on bitch, you know... the ones who put the fuckin’ chip in me, the chip that’s sending the information letting them know we fucked up. They can hear us talking, every last goddamn word. If they know I’m standing here fucked up and dying about to tell you everything, you think they’re gonna let me fuckin’ live? See? I so fuckin’ told you! Well, since I’m fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits? HAHAHA! You can take this clue and shove it up your ass, bitch! Beware... the... Millennium!

Sir Integra: That’s it...? Millennium...?

Walter: Are you all right, Sir Integra?

Sir Integra: Yes, I’m fine. And as for them... please put them out of their misery, Walter.

Walter: Of course.

Sir Islands: Walter, you will belay that order. The responsibility must fall... to their leader. Sir Integra, it’s your duty.

Walter: No, Sir Islands! That’s going too far!

Sir Islands: This entire situation should have been prevented. Integra, your lack of preparation is an offense. And since this facility is under your command, the responsibility is yours. The fact that these men died and were reanimated as these creatures is entirely your fault.

Walter: How dare you, sir!

Sir Integra: Walter!

Sir Integra: I do not ask for your forgiveness... This is my burden.

Sir Islands: Now, Walter, see what you can find out about this “millennium.” I expect you to work quickly and thoroughly.

Walter: Yes. Of course, sir.

Sir Islands: We will see them pay a thousand-fold for this horror.


Walter: Out of the 96 members of the Hellsing Organization’s headquarters in London, only 10 are left. 8 of which are only alive because they were away at the time of the attack. Excluding them, the only survivors from this ordeal are myself, and you Sir Integra.

Sir Integra: What about Seras and Alucard? Aren’t you forgetting about them?

Walter: I didn’t include them because they are already dead, sir.

Sir Integra: Yes, of course. Any word yet on the Millennium?

Walter: We solicited the resources of the British Intelligence Service, as well as the National Public Safety Commission, who went so far as to rummage through the unsorted book stacks at the British Museum. Internationally, we discovered 7 occult and military enthusiast organizations throughout Japan, France and the Unite States, including a Star Wars-related club in Los Angeles.

Sir Integra: Star Wars?

Walter: The Millennium Falcon. It’s the name of Han Solo’s ship.

Sir Integra: So what you’re telling me is that we have no solid leads at all.

Walter: My apologies, ma’am. At this point, the only thing we know is its definition: a span of one thousand years.

Sir Integra: No, there is something.

Walter: Yes?

Sir Integra: Don’t you remember, Walter? The Empire of the Millennium. The order that sought the glory of a thousand year kingdom and plunged the entire planet into a world war. Hitler’s Germany. The Millennium Order of the Third Reich.


Major: All is well, gentlemen. The experiment can move ahead.