Steins;Gate>4. Interpreter Rendezvous

Daru:
"Outcome of trial: Human is dead. Mismatch."

Okabe:
Human is dead?

Daru:
Uh-huh.

Okabe:
Someone...died?

Daru:
Apparently so.

Okabe:
What else is there?

Daru:
According to this, there’s more in Jellyman’s Report #143.

Okabe:
And that is...?

Daru:
Your guess is as good as mine, dude.
There’s a weird-looking database here, though.

Okabe:
Okay, what is this?

Daru:
Some kind of proprietary code?

[...]

Daru:
Haha-hahahaha!

Mayuri:
You--

Daru:
Eff this! I officially have no idea what I’m looking at! Die!

Mayuri:
Maybe this would be a good time to take a break?

Daru:
Urgh. Who did I think I was? Unreadable code is unreadable.

Okabe:
You fought nobly, sir. Take a breather.

Daru:
Take a freaking nap, more like.

Mayuri:
I got some more noodles if you want.

Daru:
Thanks, May'.

Okabe:
Proprietary code...

Suzuha (flashback)
...He was saying something like the IBN 5100 was built before PCs were using BASIC.
So it can read IBN’s proprietary programming code which no...

Titor (flashback):
The IBN 5100’s singular abilities are needed to halt SERN’s ambitions...
...I would very much like to speak with you at some point.
This is my email address. If you contact me, I will reply.

[Opening]

Mayuri:
How much clothing do you have?

Okabe:
I threw a couple of Daru’s things in the mix too. Sorry, we’ve been pulling a lot of late-nighters.
You should be able to tell his unmentionables from mine by the disparity in size.

Mayuri:
Huh? Oh my...

Suzuha:
Okabe! Wasabi!

Okabe:
That is not my name, firstly. Secondly, a hearty "hail and well-met" will suffice.
Thirdly, from what pit do you mine your sla--

Mayuri:
Wasabe is it, huh?

Okabe:
Cut it out! Wait a sec, since when do you two know each other?

Suzuha:
We’ve spent too much time in the same building not to have met eventually.

Mayuri:
And just looky at the sweet Rai-Net card she gave me when we did. Good as gold!

Suzuha:
Where are you off to?

Mayuri:
Oh, laundry. Okarin and Daru have been working late so they’re getting kinda stinky.

Mr. Braun:
Part-timer! Unless you wanna be a short-timer, get cracking!

Suzuha:
Right...

Mr. Braun:
And you stay clear of her, Romeo!

Okabe:
Interesting appellation to lay on me when clearly the love-struck one here is you.

Mr. Braun:
Shut it, freak! One day you’re gonna mouth off like that in front of my daughter, at which point I’m gonna end you.

Okabe:
Nae? Your rodent?

Mr. Braun:
Hey, don’t talk about her like that! If anyone is the rodent, it’s the guy drooling over the damn kid.

Suzuha:
Urgh, I’m right here and I’m not a kid! I’m a skilled warrior!

Mr. Braun:
A what?

Okabe:
You tell him, part-time girl! Keep that sharp tongue of yours whetted on his blunt head and I’m certain you’ll rise through the ranks of your battalion in no time.

Mr. Braun:
Oh, shut up! You contaminate people with your craziness.

Suzuha:
Hey, I can take care of myself, kay. Thank you.

Mr. Braun:
You'd think I had a sign on my back that said “insert crazy here.”

Suzuha:
See ya.

Okabe:
Yea we...
...
It’s a little tic of hers you might say. I’ve dubbed it “shaking hands with stardust.”

Mayuri:
Bet if I did this long enough, I’d reach a star...

Okabe:
Let’s wait ‘till you can see some, no?

Mayuri:
Hey now, just ‘cause I can’t see them sometimes doesn’t mean they’re not always there.

[...]

Makise:
EM waves, definitely. Which of course would be the simplest explanation for the cellphone’s odd behavior. Except, that banana was...

Okabe (flashback):
This humble kitchen appliance is... a time machine.

Makise:
Whatever.

[...]

Mayuri:
Oh dear, I hate leaving Faris here in the dark all alone.

Okabe:
Look away.

Mayuri:
'kay.

Okabe:
The man’s a universe unto himself, ever-expanding and plagued by entropy.
(phone buzzes)
Of course it’d be Shining Finger. Come on, Titor, response to my damn text! I don’t like being held in suspense.
Okay, okay, I get it. Lay off!
*ghasp*

Titor (text message):
Thank you for contacting me. Regarding the screencap you sent of that code, it is indeed a proprietary programming language developed by IBN. You’ll need an IBN 5100 to unencrypt it.
Good luck finding one though.

Okabe:
Hop to, people! The lab is now at DEFCON 1! Super top-secret emergency protocol is in full effect!

Mayuri:
Okarin, you’re kind of scaring me.

Okabe:
Wake up, pork pie! Out battle with the Organization is about to reach a frenzied pitch! We have the means to smoke them out of the shadows!

Daru:
D'you say s'mthin 'bout pie? [slurred "Did you say something about pie?"]

Okabe:
Focus on SERN, damn you! Puppetmasters of an inconceivably vast world-wide conspiracy! Dark overlords obsessed with twisting science to their own vile and nefarious purposes!
The world needs only one despicable mad scientist! We have to realize our goal of global dominion before the upstarts cut us off at the pass!

Mayuri:
Hey, I’m just gonna say it: I’m lost.

Okabe:
Here’s the plan! We track down and snatch up an IBN 5100. That done, we crack SERN’s code like eggs over an cast-iron skillet. Into the breach, friends!

Mayuri:
Uh, I hate to tell you, but I gotta work today.

[...]

Okabe:
I stand alone!
...
Might be of use to me, after all.

Okabe:
Well, looky here!
Excuse me!

Makise:
What now?

Okabe:
You are coming with me!

Makise:
Hey, hold it!
...
This was a nice jacket when I woke up today...

Okabe:
How can you not have dug up a single lead yet? Bacon-fed moron...

Makise:
There a reason you’re scowling at me?

Okabe:
This look’s not meant for you, rest assured.

Makise:
Yeah, well, then knock it off!

Okabe:
Sulking, are we? To her credit, Mayuri felt you might be inclined to irritability. Don’t you think you’re a bit too old to rely on such childish tactics?

Makise:
Why, hello Kettle, my name is Pot! Anyway, what do you wanna talk about?

Okabe:
It’s very simple, Christina. I want you to dispense with the attitude and come back to the lab on assignment.

Makise:
You consider that the attitude might have something to do with that name?

Okabe:
Kindly let me finish, Zombie.

Makise:
When do you ever... How did I end up in league with a headcase like you?
From this point forward, my curiosity can suck it up or go to hell.

(phone buzzes)

Okabe:
What, seriously?

Makise:
What’s wrong now? Is it bad news?

Okabe:
You have no idea. Wait, suppose this text-obsessed girl’s in bed with the Organization...

Makise:
What organization?

Okabe:
The only one that matters! A big transnational conglomerate secretly pulling our strings from the shadows.

Makise:
Oh, wonderful. You’re one of those. A conspiracy nut.

Okabe:
What’s wrong?

Makise:
Uh... nothing.
...
What do you want from me? I said it was nothing. Pursue it and you’ll lose a tooth!

Okabe:
Hmph. Lashing out. No mattter. Come with me to recover my laundry and I’ll give you your mission.

Makise:
I’m not some slave girl on a chain! Wait, laundry?

[...]

Makise:
Hm. Interesting setup.

Okabe:
Your hotel doesn’t have one?

Makise:
No, it’s too ritzy for that kind of thing. ‘sides, I’m not really all that comfortable leaving my clothes in public.

Okabe:
Well, observe how the other half lives and be grateful I ushered you across the...
There’s still no change!

Makise:
Why would there be?
It’s a washing machine, not a particle accelerator.

Okabe:
Ofttimes the most enigmatic feature of the universe couch themselves in the commonplace.
Who, for example, could’ve predicted a cellphone transforming a microwave into a time machine?

Makise:
It’s not a time machine! Listen, time machines are fiction. You’ve seen what you wanted to see. That’s all.
Keep on with this idea that you somehow discovered one and I’m walking!

Okabe:
Why do you insist on denying the evidence of your own senses?

Makise:
I’m not!

Okabe:
But of course! Some sort of trauma. I see it, clearly.
Was struck by a bolt of noonday lightning on the plains of Arkansas at age 5. Left to fend for y--

Makise:
Shut up!

Okabe:
Well then, what?

Makise:
Theoretical limitation, that’s what. It’s impossible!

Okabe:
Theories are no more than lexical chicanery. The love poetry of imbeciles. Accept what you’ve seen! Come on!

Makise:
No!

Okabe:
You know this stubbornness will...

Makise:
I said no! So lay off! I’m not going to get lost down the same blind alley as Dad.
...
I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.

Okabe:
Hmmhahaha! No, no. I’m quite satisfied with that outburst I wheedled out of you just now.
Well played me...

Makise:
Anyway, the point is your microwave is not, nor it will ever be, a time machine.

Okabe:
Yeah, yeah. Listen, while you’re here, I’m sorry I made you join the lab.
You don’t have to stay. But I want you to know I’m not one to hold a grudge.
Your lab designation will remain open in the event that you ever change your mind.
The 004 slot will forever and always belong to you.

Makise:
Oh, quit trying to act all cool!

Okabe:
Hey, damn it! That was like the perfect sign-off!

Makise:
It might’ve been yeah, if your laundry wasn’t still here.
If anyone’s leaving, it should be me. Goodbye.
...
*gasp* What?!

Okabe:
I believe, in street argot, the phrase is “payback’s a bitch.” Now you can go.

Makise:
See you around, never!

Okabe:
Hold it!

Makise:
Hey, watch the jacket!

Okabe:
I meant to pick your brain about the IBN 5100.

Makise:
And that would be?

Okabe:
An old PC.

Makise:
What for?

Okabe:
There’s that curiosity again...
You really wanna know?

Makise:
Hm, no!
Maybe an overview.

Okabe:
Hmph. Then very well. The IBN is connected to SERN’s secret plot.
We need the machine’s unique functionality to decode the proprietary programming language SERN uses to mask all interdepartmental exchanges, vis-à-vis its covert time-travel experiments.
Are you appropriately shocked?

Makise:
Right. That’s what I get...

Okabe:
Oh, I see! Sarcasm, huh? Well, patter off to that veil of ignorance you call a life then.
Mark my words, Christina! You will rue the day you saw fit to underestimate me.

Makise:
Where are you getting that name from?

Okabe (flashback):
We need the machine’s unique functionality...
...mask all interdepartmental exchanges...

Okabe:
That’s what I get for fraternizing with know-it-alls!

[...]

Faris:
A PC?

Mayuri:
Yea, really old one. And it only costs 5100 yen. At least I think so...

Faris:
Hold on, you don’t mean...

[...]

(phone buzzes)

Mayuri (on the phone):
Tu-tu-ruu! Guess what, Okarin! I found something out that's gonna put a big fat smile on your face!

Shopkeeper:
No cell phones, big shot!

Mayuri (on the phone):
Faris said she’s totally seen the computer you’re looking for! Isn’t that awesome?

Shopkeeper:
I said no--
...
Hey! Damn kid!
This doesn’t cover your bill!

[...]

Audience:
Faris, meow-meow! Faris, meow-meow!...

Okabe:
Okay, the hell?

Faris:
Hi yaaa! Welcome, meow-sters! The competition for the Faris Cup is about to begin so I hope you put on your game face. Who do you think will have what it takes to get their name on a specialty omelette.

Audience:
Faris, meow-meow! Faris, meow-meow!...

Okabe:
Wh-what dimension did I fall into?

Mayuri:
Hey. Tut-tu-ruu!

Okabe:
Mayuri! Perhaps you can explain what I’m witnessing here. Has there been a gravity distortion?

Mayuri:
Silly. It’s the Faris Cup. That’s when Faris plays Rai-Net Battler with anyone who wants to step up.

Faris:
Kyouma! Have you come to challenge me? You’re kinda late, but it’s not unusual for me to take ten at a time so I can squeeze you in....

Okabe:
Thank you, no. I’ve come here to lay my hands on the IBN. You will tell me where it is!

Faris:
Is that so? I’ll be glad to tell if you agree to play.

Okabe:
Stop spouting off nonsense! I’ll have you know that nothing less than the fate of the world hangs in the balance here! I have no time for games!

Faris:
The Faris Cup is for people who want to compete. Everyone else must wait outside.

Okabe:
Is it now acceptable for a maid to banish her young master? I need that PC!

Faris:
Can’t hear you.

Okabe:
Be warned, my dear, time demands I not go easy on you!

Faris:
Sounds like someone’s feeling confident.

[...]

Daru:
Come on, think it through! You do know that Faris ranks nationally, right?

Okabe:
Daru, behold, as I take your lady friend here to school.
My strategy is absolutely fail-safe.

Daru:
I bet it is.

Okabe:
Special code name, K-B-O-O-M. Otherwise known as KABOOM.

Mayuri:
Certainly sounds awesome.

Faris:
You intrigued me.

Okabe:
Feign in passivity, while you can! The moment my strategy detonates, your national ranking will be summarily reduced to brick dust and tears.

Faris:
You’re passionate. That’s good.

Okabe:
Remember our deal! My engaging in battle, I secure the right to be told everything you know about the IBN. Agreed?

Faris:
Kitties never lie. Bring it!

Okabe:
Prepare to face an opponent who will change your view of the game!

[...]

Okabe:
I surrender!

Daru:
You what?

Mayuri:
Well, that was a lot of buildup for a lot of nothing.

Daru:
That was your big balls-out strategy?

Faris:
Hah! If I didn’t know better, I would say you intended to be a suicide bomber.

Mayuri:
Kaboom. K-B-O-O-M. Oh!

Daru:
Lamest anagram ever.

Daru:
Oh crap!

Mayuri:
Okarin, you're so silly

Okabe:
Now, the intel I required, if you would please, Faris.

Faris:
You’re sure demanding for a loser.

Okabe:
Lest we forget, I didn’t agree to win. I agreed to participate.
See, the most formidable foe is one who cares not a whit for the game.

Mayuri:
Is that fair?

Faris:
Well, I'll have to look it up, but...

Okabe:
All’s fair in love and war! I was brilliant!

Daru:
Brilliant? Dunno about that. Cheesy? Definitely.

Okabe:
Silence! Where have you got the IBN 5100?

Faris:
I don’t.

Okabe:
Of course you do!

Faris:
Dad had one around the house when I was little, but that was years ago.
It’s long gone now.

Okabe:
Blast! Your special move. You've actually used it against me.
It’s the side settling question dodge!

Faris:
How did you know? Well, kudos to you.
Indeed you’ve somehow seen right through me. Very well done.

Okabe:
Was that really all you knew?

Faris:
Sorry. Last time I laid eyes on an IBN was at a shrine somewhere in Akihabara.

Okabe:
Wait. A shrine?

[...]

Text Message:
Kurisu. Good to hear from you all the way over there in Japan. Hope you’re enjoying yourself.
Posed your question to the professor and he said that “yes, the IBN 5100 is indeed able to work with special programming languages that antedates BASIC.”

Makise:
He was right?

[...]

Ruka:
Huh, a PC? I’ll have to run it by my father.

Okabe:
It’s an IBN 5100. He may not recognize the name, but if you let me have a gander at it, I’ll know.

Ruka (on the phone):
Okay, I’ll ask him.

Okabe:
It’s all on you now.
Code words, please.

Ruka (on the phone):
Ah, El Psy...Congress?

Okabe:
It’s Congroo.

(phone buzzes)

Okabe:
Go ahead.

Makise (on the phone):
It’s me.

Okabe:
Me who? I know a lot of people by that name.
Though I have to say, you sound like someone I once knew in Paris.

Makise (on the phone):
You’re, like, the most impossible human being I’ve ever met!

Okabe:
Could it be my errant assistant? When did you change your name from Christina?

Makise (on the phone):
Will you give it a rest?

Okabe:
There’s that ever-present attitude.

Makise (on the phone):
You bring it out of me.

Okabe:
Hmph. What do you want?

Makise (on the phone):
Where are you?

Okabe:
Why would you wanna know?

Makise (on the phone):
No reason.

Okabe:
En route to Yanabayashi Shrine, if you’re so disinterested--
...
Oh, a hang-up. Very classy.
Harassment!

[...]

Okabe:
What was that call all about?

Makise:
I wanted to know where you were.

Okabe:
I don’t remember asking you to show up.

Makise:
Well, that’s understandable, since you didn’t.

Ruka:
Sorry to keep you waiting for so long.

Okabe:
Oh, did you talk to him?

Ruka:
Yea, and you’re not going to believe this, but the one we got lying around just happens to be the model you’re looking for.

Okabe:
It is?

Makise:
Hold on, are you... You’re talking about the IBN 5100?

Ruka:
Uh-huh. Hm... who’s your new friend?

Okabe:
Assistant. So where’s it stashed?

Makise:
Uh... hey, don’t just blow me off. Introduce us. I think you can do a little better than “assistant.”

Okabe:
We’re not here for an ice-cream social! And you’re lucky I deign to call you that.

Makise:
You chauvinistic sonuva-

Okabe:
Fine! Whatever makes you happy. This is Makise Kurisu, my assistant.

Makise:
Good, but for the record, I’m not his assistant.
...
So what was your name?

Ruka:
Ruka Urushibara. Hello.

Makise:
How old are you?

Ruka:
I’m actually turning seventeen this year.

Makise:
One year younger than me.

Ruka:
What? I don’t believe that. You look so... I don’t know, put together. I’m jealous.

Makise:
Oh please. You’re way prettier.

Ruka:
Uh... hm... I... I’ll go get Dad.

Okabe:
Hm. That was hilarious.

Makise:
Did I say something wrong?

[...]

Mr. Urushibara:
Wow, I’m having a hard time believing this day’s actually come.

Okabe:
Uh, why is that exactly?

Mr. Urushibara:
Well, you see, the person who sort of donated this thing to us made a point of saying that someday a young man in dire need of it would turn up. Till then, we were just supposed to look after it.
I guess it had to have been something like ten years ago now.

Okabe:
Makes perfect sense. It’s fate. The tides of destiny. Stein’s Gate has chosen.

Makise:
Again with that?

[..]

Makise:
Wow, it really is the right model! That’s crazy!

Okabe:
This is fantastic!

Mr. Urushibara:
Is that what you’re looking for then?

Okabe:
Any chance we might borrow it?

Mr. Urushibara:
I don’t see why not.

Okabe:
I’m in your debt, good sir!
...
Lift with your knees!

Makise:
Uh-uh!

Okabe:
Damn it, Christina, earn your keep!

Makise:
Stop calling me that!

Mr. Urushibara:
Why don’t I get you a cart?

Okabe:
I wouldn’t dream of imposing. You’ve done quite enough.
You should be ashamed! How dare you put the man out?!

Makise:
Oh please! Do you even listen to yourself talk? You’re a loon!

Mr. Urushibara:
Hahaha! Can’t have too many friends, right?
I hope my Ruka here takes a page from you two.

Ruka:
Yea.

Mr. Urushibara:
Wait here. It won’t take a second.

Makise:
Your dad’s a sweet guy.

Ruka:
You really think so?

Makise (flashback):
...I’m not going to get lost down the same blind alley as Dad...

Okabe:
Hmm...

Makise:
Excuse me?

Okabe:
Nothing.

Mr. Urushibara:
Sorry, it looks like the cart’s seen better days.

[...]

Makise:
Things you don’t think you’ll be doing when you wake up in the morning.

Okabe:
Stop whining and put your back into it!

Makise:
Hey...

Okabe:
Come on!

Makise:
Never mind, then!

Okabe:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kindly refrain from taking your frustrations onto my lumbar, please!

Makise:
Hang on! How is it that I’m the one who has to schlepp this backwards?

Okabe:
Because that’s the direction you’re facing!

Makise:
Urgh! I can’t be facing backwards, genius!

Okabe:
Sure you can! I believe in you!

Makise:
Appreciate the encouragement, but I really think we need to be moving sideways!
Scratch that! I know we need to, ‘cause I’m about to drop this thing on your freaking toes!

[credits]