Steins;Gate>3. Parallel World Paranoia

Okabe:
Makise... Kurisu.

Makise:
Hey, sorry! I tried knocking, but no one came.

Okabe:
But how’d you ferret us out?

Makise:
I asked Hashida for the street address. Though I gotta admit, I was expecting less of a frat-pad and more of an actual lab.

Okabe:
Idiot! You betrayed me to this nattering vixen?

Daru:
Huh?

Okabe:
It’s okay. You were ill-prepared to deal with a three-dimensional woman.
Well, ha-hah, the battle for Daru’s soul is not over! I’m onto you, Mata Hari!

Makise:
Could you please tell him I’m not a spy?

Daru:
My telling him so is not gonna do you very much good.

Okabe:
We’re undone! The Organization’s finally worked an agent into our sanctum sanctorum!
What? Our present calamity can’t be the choice of Stein’s Gate!

Makise:
What in the hell is a Stein’s Gate?

Daru:
It’s just a phrase he’s partial to. It doesn’t mean anything.

Makise:
Sure, yeah. Why would I expect anything he says to make sense...

Okabe:
Off with the boots!

Makise:
Huh?
Oh, sorry! Guess I spent too much time in the states.
...
I’m Makise Kurisu. Might as well do it official-like, huh?

Okabe:
Er....

Makise:
What’s the matter? Are you one of those Japanese guys who shakes hands like a dead fish?
...
Don’t wet yourself!

Okabe:
They probably taught you 20 ways to kill a man. Can you blame me for not jumping headlong into oblivion?
Hey where do you think you’re going?

Makise:
Uh... inside? I came here to find out why you were so surprised to see me alive. Or, if that was just your clever excuse to go poking around in my coat.
And, that...

[Opening]

Makise:
The rest are still attached to it. Doesn’t look faked.

Okabe:
She’s packing a doomsday device! Don’t you take your eyes off her for a nanosecond!

Daru:
Sure thing, boss!

Makise:
Got tweezers?

Okabe:
No!

Makise:
Fine.
...
Viscous consistency. Flavor... Yuck! Not good.

Okabe:
Sad zombie! Eating that in lieu of brain matter? I’d''ve given you a banana.

Makise:
You pervert! Geez, you just wanna watch me eat a banana.

Okabe:
Nu-huh!

Makise:
Isn’t it enough, that you were groping me practically the moment we met?

Daru:
I don’t mean to interrupt anything but...

Makise:
What?

Makise:
You know how you said “you just wanna watch me eat a banana” a second ago?
Could you like... repeat that for me? Only this time, whisper it a little bit?

Makise:
Why would I do that?

Daru:
Tee-heehehehe...

Okabe:
What’s the problem? It’s perfectly innocuous request, unless... No, that would be impossible! Something that nasty wouldn’t occur to you. What sprang to mind? We’re all dying to know.

Makise:
You know damn well what I thought ‘cause you thought it first!

Daru:
Awesome!

Makise:
No, it’s not!

Okabe:
Ooh, methinks the lady with the fruit fixation doth protest too much.
[editor's note: this Okabe's line seems to be a reference to "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." (Hamlet Act 3, scene 2, 222–230).]

Makise:
I don’t have a fixation! Listen, while I’d love to run screaming to the cops about the pair of you perverts, I’m going to hold off for now.

Okabe:
For now, huh?

Makise:
The you-know-what on the table? Don’t even start. The microwave did that, right?

Okabe:
That’s top secret! Avert your eyes, woman!
Future gadget numero 8 is our laboratory’s most diabolical weapon!

Daru:
She’s pretty smart, man. No point playing keep-away if she can tell us how the thing works.

Okabe:
Yeah, smart and evil!

Daru:
By the time you and me figure it out, we’re gonna have flying cars 'n junk.

Okabe:
But everything in the Future Gadget Lab is for members' eyes only!
Uh. Hahahahaha! You there! Christina, you said your name was?

Makise:
Yeah, never said that.

Okabe:
I will divulge this secret to you if, and only if...
Firstly, you must join our sacred brotherhood of anarchic science - the Future Gadget Laboratory.

Makise:
You’re really going to make me join your stupid lab to look at your microwave?
I mean, I guess I could, but I’m headed back home to the United States in August, so...

Okabe:
Your membership is provisional.
Now, secondly, you do not run screaming to the cops about us being perverts!
Take it or leave it!

Daru:
Hey, if you ever get burned out on science, you’d be one hell of a lawyer, my friend.
Serious, you rule at the smooth talk.

Okabe:
Thank you, Daru!
Now, you have no qualms about my generous conditions, right?

Makise:
Generous to you, maybe!
Me? I’m one banana comment away from fight-or-flight.

Okabe:
You haven’t said no, Christina.

Makise:
That isn’t my name, you nut job!

Okabe:
Oh right, you’re the zombie.

Makise:
How would you like it, Hououin Carcinoma? [Editor's note: Carcinoma is a type of cancer.]

Okabe:
Kyoma! Watch your tongue, banana-mouth!

Daru:
In the movies, this is when you two get bizeee... [busy]

Okabe/Makise:
Give it a rest, perv!

Makise:
Okay, I accept, on one condition though. You need to give it a rest with all the fruit-based innuendo. I wouldn’t wanna have to start reaching for the pepper spray.

Okabe:
Ah, sweet victory, I hereby nomenclate you lab member 004.
Also known as, Christina!

Makise:
No, I am not!

Mayuri:
When you’re on a chicken bender, grab a box of chicken tenders, bawk bawk bawk!
Hey I’m back!

Makise:
…doesn’t make it so. You can’t just go with your first thought!

Okabe:
I suppose you’d have us go with yours?

Makise:
A banana moved a couple feet. I’m just saying, I think teleporter’s premature.

Mayuri:
One, two, three, four... Oh we have a guest!

Makise:
A pleasure to meet you, I’m Makise Kurisu. I hope my being here didn’t startle you.

Mayuri:
I’m Shiina Mayuri.

Makise:
Are you a member of the lab? I just became one myself.

Mayuri:
Seriously?

Makise:
Yup.

Mayuri:
Haaah, a girl?! I won’t be the only one?

Makise:
Is it that big of a deal?

Mayuri:
Super big deal! You’re the only girl who’s ever been up here other than me.
Can you believe it?

Makise:
You don’t say...

Mayuri:
Nice to meetcha!

Makise:
Thank you, and likewise.

Okabe:
What the deuce?

Makise:
What’s up?

Okabe:
There was an electrical discharge!

Makise:
What? Why didn’t you tell me about that sooner?
Give me all of the relevant data you have!

Daru:
Well, lightning came out of the microwave. Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

Okabe:
When exactly?

Daru:
Yesterday, around noon, I think.
You tore out of here after they showed that crashed satellite on TV.
So I guinea-pigged my phone onto it.

Okabe:
When I texted from the radio building, you’re telling me the phone wave, real name TBA, was actually wired into your cellphone?

Daru:
That nutty one about Makise getting 86’ed? You fired that thing off to me last week!

Okabe:
The hell I did! I sent it yesterday! At noon!
Where’d it go? It should be right here! Damn it!

Makise:
What was the microwave doing when it got zapped?

Daru:
I was running some tests on it. Trying to see if I can get the turntable to go counter-clockwise.

Makise:
We should try to recreate those same conditions!

Okabe:
Mayuri! Will your chicken tenders heed the call of science?

Mayuri:
Yes! Chicken tenders taste best when you eat them with friends.

Makise:
Why are we putting those things in there again?

Okabe:
I want to see if superfluous material affects the end result.

Okabe:
Engage!
...
Now then, send me a text, assistant!

Makise:
Okay, first of all, I am not your assistant.
And even if I were, I don’t know your phone number.

Okabe:
So hard to find good help... Daru, your phone will have to suffice.

Daru:
What do you want to say?

Okabe:
How about “Christina is a pervert"?

Makise:
Don’t go pushing your luck, jerkwad!

Daru:
How about I just split the difference. "Okarin is a pervert".
What do you think?

Okabe:
What?

Makise:
Attaboy! Good thinking!

Daru:
Firing torpedoes, captain!

Okabe:
And now... we play the waiting game.

Mayuri:
I betcha those tenders are nice and hot...

Okabe:
Mayuri, no!

(explosion)

Okabe:
You alright?

Mayuri:
Uh-huh.

Daru:
Suck it, AC!

Makise:
What just happened?

Okabe:
Electromagnetic pulse?

Makise:
Don’t be an idiot! We’re talking about a microwave you probably bought second-hand at some pawn shop, not a hydrogen bomb.

Mayuri:
Aw, my chickies are charcoal. They’ll never be tender again.

Daru:
What are we gonna do about that hole in the floor? Mr. Braun’s gonna burst a blood vessel.

Makise:
Well?

Okabe:
Jackpot! "Received July 24th at 5:30pm." It really went back in time!

Makise:
Did you figure something out?

Okabe:
Hahaha! Something? More like, everything! My sterling brain has sliced through this riddle in one fell swoop!

Makise:
Seriously?

Okabe:
Just as the banana has returned to the bunch from whence it was taken, this text has jumped five days into the past!

Makise:
But that.... would mean...

Okabe:
Yes, exactly! This humble kitchen appliance is...
...a time machine!

[...]

Okabe:
Nhhh...13 new text messages?
Who’s SF? Oh yeah, that shrinking violet I christened Shining Finger. Should’ve called her Hyperactive Finger.
“Text me, right away.”
“Hey, are you asleep yet?”
“How long are you gonna sleep, do you think?”
...
Daru! *yawn* fancy a midmorning walk?

Daru:
*sigh*

Okabe:
What’s wrong?

Daru:
We burned the midnight oil for nothing. I’m getting a little low on morale. Plus, my 2D harem hates it when I neglect them.
Why aren’t they turning into gel-nanas any more?

Okabe:
Hmm. Beats me. How come we can’t send any more texts back in time?

Daru:
Maybe we should pick Makise’s brain again.

Okabe:
The "S.S. Christina" has sailed. [The "S.S." refers to maritime ship designations]

Makise (flashback):
No....but that’s impossible!

Okabe:
...and that was the last we saw her.

Daru:
Why did she get so freaked out?

Okabe:
Hm? What am I looking at?

Daru:
Just the LHC.

Okabe:
Huh?

Daru:
Large Hadron Collider. SERN’s particle accelerator. Ain’t she a thing of beauty?

Titor (flashback):
...SERN maintains a strict monopoly on the time machine market...

Okabe:
Titor, he mentioned them.

Daru:
That guy? The one you were going on about? Suddenly, there are people talking about him all over the internet!

Okabe:
What does it stand for? In his post, John Titor said that SERN completes a working time machine by 2034.

Daru:
Too early for crazy talk--

Okabe:
Just tell me! What does it stand for?

Daru:
Argh! Get off my jock and I’ll tell you!
SERN’s full name is the European Organization in Nuclear Research. They’re based outside Geneva. Their big thing is particle-physics research, hence the name, and rightly so.
Check out the hardware these cats are packing. The Low Energy Anti-Proton Ring, The Proton Synchrotron Booster, The Large Electron Positron Collider, and the baddest mamma-jamma, the world's largest particle accelerator, the Large Hadron Collider.
There were even rumors going around, that the LHC could produce micro black holes. If anything could, that’d be it.

Okabe:
Black holes, you say, huh? Daru...

Daru:
Uh-huh?

Okabe:
Is there, or isn’t there, a prevalent school of thought, that posits time travel is possible through the creation and exploitation of miniature black holes?

Daru:
Yeah, there is, but Makise’s lecture pretty much let the daylight through that one. She said it’s impossible to create black holes to begin with.

Okabe:
You just told me maybe the LHC could do it. Who's to say they haven’t?

Daru:
Oh yeah!...Nah. SERN told everybody they struck out, man.

Okabe:
Please! As though I would just blindly take their word for it.
It’s me...Heh, he’s so naive, I know. El Psy Congroo.

Daru:
Wanna remind me of what windmill we’re tilting at now?

Okabe:
At this juncture, Daru, we’ve but one course of action.

Daru:
Go visit Faris at the maid cafe!

Okabe:
Wrong! Don’t make me fight this fight alone! I need your exemplary leet skills, hack!

Daru:
Stop! And don’t talk nerd to me!

Okabe:
You know what must be done!

Daru:
No, and I don’t wanna hear this.

Okabe:
We hack into SERN! Simple.

Daru:
You’re kidding. Tell me you’re kidding!

Okabe:
Break into their network and gather intel on their time travel program! Your prowess with the keyboard will determine whether the phone wave, real name TBA, slips the bonds of time or is condemned to a life of desultory heating.

Okabe:
Don’t get pissy if it doesn’t work!

Shopkeeper:
Here’s you go, two beef bowls.

Daru:
Huh?

Shopkeeper:
That’ll be 800 yen.

Daru:
Okariiiiiiiin!

[...]

Okabe:
Hard at work, I see.

Suzuha:
You know it! The shop doesn’t get any customers. I’m dying of boredom.

Okabe:
You should’ve gotten work at a bike store.

Suzuha:
‘fess up, what kind of hijinks are you guys getting up to?
With the name like Future Gadget Laboratory, it’s gotta be...

Okabe:
Who divulged that name?

Suzuha:
Uuuh...

Okabe:
Uh-huh. Well if you know that much, I suppose you can handle the truth...
We’ve taken up arms against a so-called benign group that fancies itself a shadow government. We’re just about to fire the first shot in a vicious cyber war, in fact.

Suzuha:
Wow, that sounds pretty hardcore! And the group you were talking about is SERN, yeah?

Okabe:
How did you know that?

Suzuha:
My bad! See I, uh, heard you going on about it. I just get so bored down here and voices carry, you know.

Okabe:
So, you admit to spying on us then!

Suzuha:
Not my fault I got good ears!
Aw, but don’t worry about it. Your secret is safe with me.

(phone buzzes)

Okabe:
Not again...

Suzuha:
What is it? The daily death report?

Okabe:
The daily what now?

Suzuha:
Oh, nothing, it’s a line from a show.

Okabe:
Just a retro-PC fangirl. She wants me to help her find an IBN 5100.

Suzuha:
IBN?

Okabe:
So you’ve heard of it?

Suzuha:
Er.. kinda... maybe...

Okabe:
Those keen ears of yours?

Suzuha:
Hey, come on! Cut me some slack! He was talking about 'em online. You know, that time traveler dude, John Titor, or whatever...

Okabe:
Titor was?

Suzuha:
Yea, I read all about it on some web forum or other.
He was saying something like the IBN 5100 was built before PCs were using BASIC.
So it can read IBN’s proprietary programming code, which no other PC can--

Okabe:
Are you sure?

Suzuha:
Yeah...

Okabe:
Back when he first showed up on the boards in 2000, didn’t Titor...

[...]

Titor:
It’s curious. All of you seem to embrace a very entrenched concept of time.
Contrary to your beliefs, time is not a river flowing from past to future in an inexorable current.
For example, let’s say, I go back in time and kill somebody we’ll call A.
Doing so will lead to an alteration of what is known as the Divergence Number.
And the world line will shift to a universe without A.
When a world line shifts, people’s memories are changed accordingly.
So memories of the world in which A continued to exist are nullified, overwritten with memories of the world line in which his life was cut short by my actions.

Forum poster:
Please explain, how exactly does SERN, a benign research organization, end up becoming a tyrannical oligarchy? Kind of hard to understand.

Titor:
SERN is not so benign as they would have you believe.
For example, they’ve already succeeded in producing miniature black holes.
Perhaps the easiest way to characterize my future is return to 18th century living standards under a global framework of communism.
In 2036, SERN controls most of the world’s technology and scientific knowledge.

Okabe (forum post):
And you require an IBN 5100 to prevent this future of yours from occurring, I assume?

Titor:
That is correct. The IBN 5100’s singular abilities are needed to halt SERN’s ambitions.

Okabe (forum post):
If memory serves, you said much the same thing in your posts when you appeared in 2000.

Titor:
When I appeared in 2000, you say? As I’ve stated before, I have never had occasion to travel to the year 2000.
However, there’s always the possibility that you remember me from another world line.
I’m intrigued. I would very much like to speak with you at some point.
This is my email address. If you contact me, I will reply.

[...]

Daru:
Almost there, Daru! Come on, you can do this! Just figure out the SQL database table configuration and start decrypting like a mofo... Yeah.

Mayuri:
Tu-tu-ruu! Good morning!

Okabe:
Oh hey, Mayuri. What are you up to, this glorious morn?

Mayuri:
Since you stayed up two nights in a row, I thought you might like some tasty snacks. Yum.

Okabe:
Ooh, canned oden stew! Once again, your contribution to the cause is inspiring.

Mayuri:
I can’t treat often, but today’s special. See, I need to get some of these Rai-Net sausages anyway.
They’re giving away a free Oopa with every single box you buy.

Okabe:
Heh, you and your Oopas...

Mayuri:
No Oopas come with your stew, but it’s still tasty.
Daru and Kurisu get their own cans too, so no sharing.

Daru:
Urrgh... The fail is strong with this one.

Mayuri:
He didn’t even hear me, did he?

Okabe:
There’s nothing sadder than a hack-a-holic, Mayuri.

Mayuri:
Keep going, hack! You can do it! We believe in you 100 percent!

Daru:
Grrrrrrr! Now you got her saying it!

[...]

Mayuri:
It isn’t nice to go snooping around in other people’s stuff.

Okabe:
We have to bring SERN’s inequities to light!

Mayuri:
Yeah, I know, but I think maybe Kurisu ran away ‘cause she didn’t think it was very nice, either.

Okabe:
Whatever reason she had for leaving the lab, I can guarantee you, the hacking wasn’t it.

Mayuri:
I hope she comes back someday. I liked her a whole lot.
...
Huh, how come?

Okabe:
I’d like to exchange this fish cake for a beef strip.

Mayuri:
Yeah? Can I trade for a quail egg instead?

Okabe:
Not a chance! Quail eggs are my second favorite after the beef strips.

Mayuri:
They’re my first favorite! Pretty please?

Okabe:
How about a fish tube? They’re pretty good.

Mayuri:
Hm... I guess that’s better than a beef strip.

Okabe:
It’s a pleasure doing business with you, madam.

Mayuri:
'Kay, one beef strip coming. Where did it-

Okabe:
Already took it.

Mayuri:
Huh? But when’d you...
Wow.

Okabe:
Much obliged, Mayuri.

Daru:
JACKPOOOT!

[...]

Daru:
In your face! in your face, SERN!
All your base are belong to me!
You have no chance, make your time!
Yeah, fake user ID, yeah!

Okabe:
You’re inside?

Daru:
Hashida Daru for the win!

Mayuri:
I don’t know what you did, but I’m really proud of you!

Daru:
Now, don’t get too excited! I did hack our way in, but there are limits to what we can see without an admin ID, and that ain’t gonna happen.
Like we’re in an H game, they show you the boobs, you know.

Mayuri:
You’re so naughty, Daru.

Okabe:
What’d you find?

Daru:
Couple of emails so far, but the day’s still young.

Okabe:
It’s quite a bit of text... Should we hard-copy for safety?

Daru:
Nah, it’s okay. I got it locked in.
"Experiment report. February 9."

Okabe:
Spare me the dramatic re-enactment, please!

Daru:
Suit yourself. Okay.
"The LHC is performing as intended. It is a fickle device, to be sure, but the last month’s work has gone forward without a hitch."

Okabe:
What’s he talking about? What about the time machine? Somebody must’ve discussed it in one of these messages.

Daru:
Let’s give it a whirl!
"Time machine"... is coming up a goose egg, but the term “Z program” was used about a hundred times in the past month. Okay.
"Z program experiment report 137. As the goal of generating miniature black holes has already been met, the contents of this report have been deleted."
Whoa...

Okabe:
They were successful!

Daru:
It looks that way, but they told everyone those experiments totally bombed.

Okabe:
Read the next one!

Daru:
"Outcome of trial: Human is dead. Mismatch."

Okabe:
Human is dead?!

Daru:
Uh-huh...

Okabe:
Someone...died?

[credits]