Steins;Gate>5. Starmine Rendezvous

Mr. Braun:
I’m calling it a day. Help me lock up, yea?

Suzuha:
Okay.

Makise:
I never said that, you liar!

Okabe:
Not in actual speech, perhaps, but your eyes were begging me to take those breaks!

Makise:
Yea, because you look like you’re about to up and die every couple of feet!

Okabe:
Don’t be naive! I was merely feigning weakness!

Makise:
What? We weren’t conspicuous enough already?

Suzuha:
Okabe, what’s up?
What’s in the box?

Okabe:
Haha, dying to know, are you? I’d be sworn to secrecy most days, refusing to divulge its contents even under threat of torture, but....

Makise:
My arms are on fire! Can’t you tell her what it is later?

Okabe:
Oh, buck up, Buttercup!

Makise:
Fine, do it now, but would you please just skip ahead to the good part?

Okabe:
How can you say that? This box is a reliquary! Its precious cargo demands a properly-paced denouement...

Suzuha:
Let me guess, it’s an IBN 5100?

Okabe:
What? How did you pluck the answer out of thin air like that?

Suzuha:
So, how’d you track it down?

Okabe:
Fate guided my footsteps to Yanabayashi Shrine, where it languished amid the dusty offerings of yesteryear...

Makise:
Fate’s gonna crush your footsteps if we don’t hurry up....

Suzuha:
Makise Kurisu!

Makise:
Uh... uh-huh. Who is this person?

Okabe:
She’s Mr. Braun’s new part-time help.

Makise:
Did I... miss something?

Mr. Braun:
C’mon, kid! Lemme see some hustle! We’re closing up here.

Makise:
If looks could kill, I’d be a goner.

Okabe:
You do have a right dastardly face.

Makise:
Huh?!

[opening]

Mayuri:
Daru, your T-shirt is so big! It’s like the sail from a pirate ship. Or rug, made from a big polar bear.

Daru:
Mayushii is frolicking on my shirt. She’s getting her adorable all over it!

Okabe:
Steady now, easy does it!

Makise:
Thanks, Captain Copies.

Mayuri:
It’s Kurisu!

Makise:
Oh, hey, Mayuri! Sorry to barge in like this.

Mayuri:
Mhm-mm. You can come here whenever you like. After all, you are a member now.

Okabe:
What happened to “never coming back,” hmm? Frailty, thy name is Assistant.

Makise:
I’m here because you’re too weak to carry the thing. I certainly didn’t come of my own volition.

Mayuri:
Ah, you-you don’t like it here, at the Future Gadget Lab?

Makise:
Wait, what? No, I didn’t say that. It’s- it’s complicated.

Daru:
So what’s in the mystery box?

Okabe:
Hah, you’re dying to know? I’ve been sworn to secr...

Makise:
An IBN 5100.

Daru:
Huh? Come to papa! Dude! Okarin, way to go!
Seriously, this is why we love you and follow you.

Makise:
I don’t follow him. Um...ahem... Anyway, let’s see if it still even boots up.

Mayuri:
Good thing I was talking about it at the maid cafe, huh?

Okabe:
Indeed, couldn’t have done it without you, Mayuri.

[...]

Makise:
It works!

Okabe:
How long will it take you to crack that proprietary code?

Daru:
Don’t hold your breath or anything. I mean this computer is older than I am. Older than the interwebs, too.
Which means I can’t just pop an Ethernet cable into the back.
...This stuff and a gum wrapper should do it.

Okabe:
I’ll get right on it. Assistant, you heard the man!

Makise:
You braying it ad nauseam doesn’t make me your assistant!

Okabe:
Oh, but you are!

Makise:
No, I’m not!

Daru:
Okarin, you should go. She’s not gonna know where all those nutty lil’ shops are.

Okabe:
If I must. Let’s be off, Mayuri.

Mayuri:
Nah, I think I’m gonna stay behind and give our new lab member the grand tour of the place.
If you know where everything is, maybe you’ll end up liking it more and you won’t wanna go away.

Okabe:
Oh, foul enchantress! Working your hoodoo on that innocent girl!

Makise:
Working my what?

Daru:
Hush. Don’t fight it, Makise. Give in to the sapphic goodness.

Makise:
Keep on dreaming, pervert!

Mayuri:
Hey, Makise. What does sapphic goodness mean?

Makise:
Uh, how about that tour? You’re ready?

Mayuri:
Uh-huh! Alright, let’s show her what’s behind door number one!

Makise:
Hold on, is that a shower back there?

Mayuri:
Uh-huh, but sometimes the water gets really cold if you stay in there for a bit too long.
And that’s no fun.

Makise:
You mean, you’ve actually used this shower to bathe yourself?

Mayuri:
Yeah, every once in a while.

Makise:
Urgh! You have to promise me you’ll never shower here again, Mayuri!
Don’t make me say why...

Okabe:
She’s perfectly safe!

Makise:
I should buy you some pepper spray.
Why do you hang out with these weirdoes anyhow?

Mayuri:
Huh?

Makise:
Is it blackmail, or coercion, or brainwashing, or what?

Mayuri:
Nothing like that. It’s just I’m Okarin’s hostage.

Makise:
That’s it! I’m calling the cops!

Okabe:
Wait!

Makise:
She just said she’s your hostage! You two are going down!

Mayuri:
No, silly. I wanted to be. And so far it’s super fun. You’ll see.

Makise:
Huh? What is she talking about?

Okabe:
Hmph. Well I’m off.

Mayuri:
See you later!

[...]

Okabe:
It’s not the exact thing he wanted, but I’m sure it’ll do...

Suzuha:
What’s up? How’s your old 5100 coming along--

Okabe:
Shh! Don’t speak of it, not even by its number!

Suzuha:
Came to get some parts, huh? Need any help?

Okabe:
I’d have never guessed the part-time TV girl knows so much about PCs.

Suzuha:
Yea, but when it comes to IBN, there’s one guy who has all of us beat.

Okabe:
Are you serious? Put me in touch with him immediately!

Suzuha:
I can’t.

Okabe:
Do you wish for us to be at loggerheads over this?

Suzuha:
Look, it’s not up for discussion.

Okabe:
You’re treading a very dangerous path!

Suzuha:
He’s dead, okay? That’s why I can’t. He’s been dead for years now

Okabe:
I’m sorry.

Suzuha:
I’m the one who should apologize for before.

Okabe:
Did my assistant offend you in some way?

Suzuha:
Uh-uh. Just met her.

Okabe:
Did she glare at you perchance? Or scoff? She packs a wicked scoff.

Suzuha:
Neither one. She hasn’t done anything.

Okabe:
What then?

Suzuha:
She hasn’t done anything, yet. But I promise you she will.
Just be careful. She’s bad for your health.

Okabe:
What do you mean?

Suzuha:
Air raid! Get down!

Okabe:
Huh? It’s just the news chopper for the fireworks display later on.

Suzuha:
What a relief. Fireworks, huh?
Hey, wait! I’ve heard of those!

Okabe:
Heard of? You mean you’ve never witnessed them?

Suzuha:
I want to see ‘em! Where do I go?

Okabe:
Follow yonder road, down to the river and you should get a fair enough view.

Suzuha:
Awesome!
...
I’ll message ya! Just gimme your email.

[...]

Makise:
A festival?

Mayuri:
Yup, fireworks and everything.

Makise:
It’s been so long...

Mayuri:
Wanna go watch ‘em?

Makise:
Oh, well. I guess.

Mayuri:
Look, there’s Okarin!
Tu-tu-ruu!

Okabe:
Homeward bound?

Mayuri:
Uh-huh.

Makise:
How did the part hunt go?

Okabe:
Total success, of course.

Makise:
So, you guys are really gonna keep working this time machine angle, huh?

Okabe:
Don’t tell me that you care now.

Makise:
Ugh...

Okabe:
You do, don’t you?

Makise:
No! Well, maybe just a tiny little bit. But I still think your kooky SERN conspiracy theories are nothing but a bunch of hot air.
The truth. That’s all I’m interested in. Okay?
Sorry, Mayuri.

Mayuri:
Sorry?

Makise:
I think I’m gonna skip the fireworks and go back to the lab.

Mayuri:
That’s okay. I should probably be heading back home anyhow.

Makise:
Cool.

Mayuri:
Hmm. But Makise, are you gonna keep coming back?

Makise:
Yea. After all, I’m a member until I fly back to America, right?

Mayuri:
Yay, haha, nite nite!

Okabe:
Why would she even bother to ask? After all, you are my assistant. Of course you’re coming back to the lab!

Makise:
Argh! She told me the two of you were childhood pals, but I still don’t get how one of you turned out so socially inept while the other one’s normal...

Okabe:
Yes, well. Poor Mayuri always has been a little bit different...

Makise:
I didn’t mean her, genius!

(phone buzzes)

Suzuha (text message):
Here’s my first email. Better than I imagined! Fireworks are amazing!

[...]

Makise:
So that was the last time it worked, huh?
Ooh, mind if I use this? Ah, I love a good lab coat. Calms me down.
Huh?

Okabe:
Look at you! The sight of you enveloped in that lab coat to the very marrow, it thrills me!

Makise:
Uh, what the hell are you going on about?

Okabe:
Need you ask me? That coat is a pledge, a symbol that you are a friend to science!

Makise:
Stop!

Okabe:
Urg. I keep telling Daru and Mayuri to wear one, but they don’t get it. But not you. You understand!
Ergo, I want you to jam your hands into your coat pockets!

Makise:
Huh?

Okabe:
Now, woman!

Makise:
Okay. Like this?

Okabe:
Perfect!
Our stance is that of the lucky few who know the privilege and burden of having dedicated their life to research!
Consider the lab coat a gift. Every time you wear it, marvel anew at my genorosity! Hahaha!

Makise:
All I’m going to marvel at is your stupidity!

Okabe:
What are you hiding in there?

Makise:
Shut up! I haven’t eaten since lunch, and that was a long time ago.

Okabe:
Ah, very well. I’m feeling generous so dinner will be on me this one.
...
The fruit of your labor.

Makise:
Are you serious?

Okabe:
You object?

Makise:
You’re damn right I do! Tell me there’s something else.

Okabe:
We do have a stockpile of instant ramen, but no one raised on the windswept moors of America would ever dam...

Makise:
In a cup?

Okabe:
Mm-hmm..

Makise:
I suppose that’ll do.
So what flavors do you have?

Okabe:
Salt and soy sauce.

Makise:
I’ll have the salt, though I better use a fork.

[...]

Makise:
No point stalling. Time runs out and you lose anyway.
Wanna throw in the towel? ‘cause the one at the end is clearly a virus card. Just saying.

Okabe:
Hah. Whatever you think is gonna get you through the night.

Makise:
Oh, good! Thank you for making my decision so much easier.
Last turn, and...go!

Okabe:
Oh ho, I see you’re drinking that soda with extraordinary aplomb.

Makise:
Uh, seven years in the states. What'd you expect?

Okabe:
We could go grab something harder, if you’re game.

Makise:
Nah, none for me, thanks. I’m still underage, so... you know.

Okabe:
I was talking about the caffeinated version of what you’re holding.

Makise:
That’s harder to you?

Okabe:
What purpose have I for alcohol? That soda you hold is the one and only drink of the intelligentsia.

Makise:
Uh-huh. Your love of carbonation is a beautiful thing. Now stop peeking at my cards!
...
And that’s the game, my friend! No offense, but you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, when it comes to looking at the bigger picture.
You’re so caught up in the whole “damn the torpedoes” deal that you never think about what the other guy’s doing. You got played, Okabe. Sorry.

Okabe:
Hold on!

Makise:
What did I say?

Okabe:
You know perfectly well!

Makise:
What? That you kind of suck at the big picture? Don’t be a jerk. It’s the truth.

Okabe:
Grrr! No, just after that! When you referred to me as Okabe!

Makise:
So? What’s the matter with that? Just because you call me assistant, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to call you boss man or anything...

Okabe:
LISTEN!!!
For the last time, Cristina, my name is Hououin! I’ll thank you to remember it!
Hence forth, you will call me Hououin! Or if that’s too hard, Kyouma is also acceptable.
...
Hm? Are you crying down there?

Makise:
What’s there to cry about? Just cause some maniac jumped out of his chair and started screaming at me about about his damn fake name and scared me half to death?
No. That’s totally fine! No problem!

Okabe:
Daru. The woman’s weeping. Why is this?

Daru:
Think about what she told you in that big breathless rant...

[...]

Daru:
Let’s see. This part should plug into... no, no, ah my bad... So this is right.
And these cables should shimmy on down through... here. Yeah.

Okabe:
Assistant!

Makise:
No, but go ahead.

Okabe:
Maybe you should call it a night.Your hotel is nearby, right?

Makise:
Don’t worry. If it doesn’t work by morning, I’m outta here.

Okabe:
Shouldn’t you at least call your family?

Makise:
Haven’t seen dad in seven years and mom in the states. Trust me, no one’s waiting up for a call.

Okabe:
A genius orphan swaddled in a threadbare lab coat...

Makise:
I’m not swaddled, weirdo...

Daru:
It’s alive... It’s ALIVE!

Okabe:
You've got it to work?

Daru:
Hashida Daru for another win!

Makise:
Does any of it look helpful?

Daru:
I haven’t mucked around yet. But hey, this thing says "Z Program".

Okabe:
So that file was created back in 1973?

Makise:
Looks like.

Okabe:
SERN. When was it founded?

Makise:
In the fifties. '54 I think.

Okabe:
And this machine first came in the market in...

Daru:
Ooh, me! 1975.

Okabe:
Did SERN actually smuggle a whole programming language into the 5100 just to further their covert time-travel plan?

Makise:
That seems like a bit of a stretch.

Okabe:
But it is possible, right?

Makise:
How about we just read the report and then we’ll know what’s up.
I can’t wait for it to be something totally innocuous and then you’re forced to drop this stupid conspiracy crap.

Daru:
Urgh! This font is killing my eyes. Somebody tag in!

Makise:
Just be glad it’s not in French.
Okay, it reads “the control of space-time and its destruction of history.”

Daru:
Oh yeah, everything sounds better when you read it.

Okabe:
Better watch yourself. Keep whispering in his ear like that, you might be joining the 2D ladies in Daru’s harem.

Makise:
Yea. I think not.
Okay, I’m skipping ahead. “Creating a stable world spanning from past to future. This will be the true raison d'être of SERN as we move into the twenty-first century".

Okabe:
There, you see? They mean to rule us!

Makise:
You’re being paranoid. Tap down further, down past the abstract.

Daru:
2D girls aren’t this bossy...

Makise:
Let’s see. More fluff. “List of participants.”
Come on, tell me what they actually did! Here we go!
“The Z program will test the feasibility of space-time transference through the collision of high-energy protons.” Of space-time transference?

Okabe:
See? That has to mean time-travel!

Makise:
No, it doesn’t!

Okabe:
I’m right, damn it! SERN’s been conducting clandestine time-travel research for the past 40 years at the very least!

Makise:
Just stop, okay? No jumping to conclusions!
“Program Phase No.1: Construction and utilization of Large Hadron Collider.
Program Phase No.2: Practical application and tuning of lifter.”

Okabe:
Daru, what are these “lifter” things about?

Daru:
You remember all that buzz about “ionocrafts?” Same principle but with less science-y name. Like this, take a look.

Okabe:
Is it floating?

Makise:
That’s what happens when you run a high-voltage current through aluminum.

Okabe:
What exactly does floating aluminum have to do with time travel?

Makise:
I don’t know. But they’re spending an awful lot of time on it, aren’t they?
It says, this thing requires a lifter and the presence of a black hole.

Okabe:
Keep on reading!

Makise:
“Program Phase No.3 is some kind of animal testing.”
and “Program Phase No.4” is--
*gasp*

Okabe:
Say it!

Makise:
“Human testing.”

Okabe:
Which brings us right up to “Human is dead. Mismatch.”

Makise:
No.

Okabe:
We stumbled across that phrase when we first hacked our way in.
What is the part after that? Say again.

Daru:
“More details to follow in Jellyman’s report.”

Okabe:
Well, it’s high time we have a look, I say.

Daru:
You sure my opening this folder is a good idea?
If this stuff is legit, then we’re all in it way above our pay grade.

Makise:
Don’t tell me you’re chickening out now.

Daru::
He does have a point. SERN doesn’t mess around.
And if we unearth this report, we’ll all be privy to their darkest secrets.

Makise:
So what? You’re not going to read it?

Okabe:
Hmph. Save yourself!
You got a bright future ahead of you. Once we read this file, I can’t guarantee any of our safety.

Makise:
Hold on. Is that concern I’m hearing in your voice?

Okabe:
Well, of course it is. You’re important to... our scientific endeavors.

Makise:
Thanks for your concern, but I’m not going anywhere. I’d be up all night thinking about this anyway.

Okabe:
So you’re in, come what may?

Makise:
Oh yeah.

Okabe:
And what do you say, Daru?

Daru:
Well, I mean I’ve been pretty bad-ass so far. If they haven’t managed to trace my hack by now, then we should be golden.

Okabe:
Very well then. We go, to raid Jellyman’s report for precious intel!
This act will go down in lab’s history as operation “Laegjarn’s Chest"!

Makise:
What is that Norse mythology? Why do we need to name it anything? Just have him open the report.

Okabe:
Daru, fire off a broadside!

Daru:
I’m on it.

Okabe:
More files?

Daru:
Hm.. yes. 14 of them. I’ll just pick one at random.

Makise:
“Report #10. Subject: James McCarthy. Birthplace: America. Z program 4.
Experiment date: 28 January 2005. Result: Human is dead. Mismatch.”

Daru:
Not that again.

Makise:
“We believe the subject was unable to withstand the supergravitationally-induced compression or survive transmission through the Kerr black hole.”

Okabe:
And an article?

Makise:
Oh my god! Look at the date!

Okabe:
April 3, 1921.

Makise:
“New York. The corpse of a man was found half-emerged from the wall of the building on 14th avenue. The state of the corpse has defied all explanation as the soft tissue has turned gelatinous.”

Daru:
Oh my god.

Makise:
They’re capable of time travel. Lethally flawed, but still.
“Report #8. Subject: Linda Hill. Birthplace: England. Z program 4.
Experiment date: 15 February, 2004. Result: Human is dead. Mismatch.”
...
“October 2, 1972. The gelatinous body of a woman was found on the road side in the Indian city of Dharmapuri. The woman’s lower legs were destroyed most likely by the tires of a passing car.”

Okabe:
Another!

Makise:
“Report #7. Subject: Michael Lang. Birthplace: Germany. Z program 4.
Result: Human is dead. Mismatch.”

Okabe:
Good heavens! Even here?

Daru:
“May 24, 1936. Gelatinized body found at the foot of Kyoto’s Mount Hiei.”

Okabe:
And there are fourteen of these?

Daru:
Wanna see another?

Okabe:
I’ve seen quite enough.

Daru:
You’re okay, man?

Okabe:
I need some fresh air...

Makise:
I’ve never seen him so shaken up before.

Daru:
Why’d the test subjects go all dessert cup?

[...]

Makise:
Judging from what I’ve read so far, I think SERN is developing tech to allow time travel via Kerr black holes. I can only imagine what sort of trauma that would inflict upon a living human being trying to cram it through a singularity like that. I’m not surprised that they’ve all turned into mush.
It’s like trying to squeeze this sponge into my clenched hand. You see?
The insides get wrung out.

Daru:
So basically it’s a really tight fit?

Makise:
Yea. You’re squeezing it into something extraordinarily narrow.

Daru:
You’re making time travel sound pretty freaky.

Makise:
Huh? What’s wrong with squeezing into...? Arg! Daru, you’re such a pervert!

Daru:
Said the girl talking about squeezing things into tight spaces.

Makise:
Yea. I meant a black hole.

[...]

Makise:
There you are. Hey. Listen. I know it’s crazy, but just look at it this way.
Now that we’re sure it’s true, we have to figure out what our next move is gonna be.

Okabe:
Hmmhmhmmh...

Makise:
What’d I say?

Okabe:
Hahahahah.....
Our next move is patently obvious!

Makise:
Huh?

Okabe:
We have Future Gadget No.8 - the Phonewave, real name TBA, do we not?
We will build the time machine first and SERN will come to nothing because we will rule the world instead. Hahahahhaha...

Makise:
Why did I even bother to ask?

[ending]