Okabe:
Consider: can the universe be justifiably called infinite?
Doubtful.
It may not have a discernible end, but it had a beginning.
And its component parts definitely have a limited cosmological shelf-life.
Splitting hairs or not, if history tells us anything, it's that scientists often make very poor poets.
We’re all just a ship of fools chasing phantoms, heedless of what really underwrites natural law.

Mayuri:
Okarin!

Okabe:
Yeah, yeah...

[Prologue of the Beginning and the End]

Okabe:
Infiltration commencing. El Psy Congroo. Over and out!

[...]

Okabe:
‍Place is a mortuary.‍ Organization’s stink is all over this.

Mayuri:
Why did we come here again?

Okabe:
You’re here because I permit you to be.

Mayuri:
Ooh! A time machine. Neat!

Okabe:
The good doctor has beaten us to the punch, oh devoted one. He and his unqualified hubris has broken ground on the invention of the millennium. And I’m morbidly curious to see where our theories intersect, if at all. Hmph.

(explosion)

Okabe:
Huh? The roof!
...
What the hell?

(phone buzzes)

[...]

Okabe:
Is anything not an emergency?

Mayuri:
I’m sorry. I know sometimes it’s not, but this one counts for sure.
These are really really rare and I’m broke.

Okabe:
Do I look like an ATM to you? Too bad, so sad, Greedy Gus. Life lesson.

Mayuri:
Aaaww!

Okabe:
The reality principle does like to disabuse us of our whims.

Mayuri:
Ooh?

Okabe:
Hmm, case in point. This one's a dud.

Mayuri:
Haaa! Look! He’s metal!

Okabe:
Huh?

Mayuri:
I don’t believe it! A metal Oopa!

Okabe:
And that’s good?

Mayuri:
Aaah! You bet it is! Ha-hah!

Okabe:
Hmm. Yes, well... You would know better than I.

Mayuri:
Thank you, Okarin!

Okabe:
Hououin Kyouma!

Mayuri:
Whatever. You’re the best!

Okabe:
My name is a matter…

PA system:
Your attention please! Dr. Nakabachi’s conference is about to begin on the 8th floor lecture hall.
All who are interested are welcome to attend.

[...]

Dr. Nakabachi:
Printed on the handouts there in front of you is more or less the hard blueprint for one of mankind’s oldest ambitions.
Of course, the theoretical scaffolding begs some explanation.
As I’m sure you’re aware, mainstream science currently boasts something more…

(phone buzzes)

Mayuri (text message):
Okay. Don’t be mad. I think I dropped my Oopa, but I’m looking for it.

Dr. Nakabachi (background):
...the devil is in the details. Each separate discipline involves…

Okabe:
The inter-dimensional vectors of time travel...

Dr. Nakabachi (background):
…verified experiments, etc. Bringing them under the same umbrella, however, has so far proved elusive.

Okabe:
DOCTOOOORR!!

Dr. Nakabachi:
Save your questions until…

Okabe:
I have none, sir! I throw down the gauntlet as to your theory's authorship!
Do you take us all for babes in the wilderness?!
Please! World lines, Kerr black holes?! Two words, sir: John Titor!
Oh yes, I’ll submit to all and sundry, that you have shamelessly plagiarized the decade-old scratchings of an internet meme!

Dr. Nakabachi:
Oh please! Far from it, my friend! Titor’s so-called theories are borderline schizophrenic!

Okabe:
Well, you’d certainly be in a unique position to know! I wonder, if you might indulge us with a brief overview of just where your views diverge!

Makise:
Excuse us...

Okabe:
Hey!

Audience:
Seriously.
John Titor?
The guy's got a point. There’s like similarities out the wazoo...

Dr. Nakabachi:
Hmph.

[...]

Okabe:
Ah! Who in the hell are you?!

Makise:
I think that’s my line?

Okabe:
Uh, pardon?

Makise:
‘kay, so, what were you trying to tell me back there? Earlier I mean.

Okabe:
Earlier?

Makise:
Quarter of an hour ago?

Okabe:
They let you out of the nuthouse? Uh, hold on a second... Makise Kurisu?
The published Makise Kurisu.

Makise:
Okay, that’s impressive. I’m guessing you’re a grunt in some university lab?

Okabe:
Damn your eyes! What is The Organization playing at?

Makise:
Uh. I’m sorry? Look, I just wanted to ask you about…

Okabe:
And you’re a fool to expect I’ll talk!
Red alert! I’ve been cornered by an agent. Possibly a sleeper. Certainly illustrious...

Makise:
Who are you talking to?

Okabe:
...Fear not. I’ll give her the slip, somehow. Perhaps…

Makise:
Uh, it’s not on.

Okabe:
Hahaha! Well, you are a credit to your training, madam.
Few discover the ploy. This phone shuts off automatically in all hands but mine, thus preserving the integrity of my communications. Hmmhahaha!

Makise:
Great. You are crazy.
Clearly, this is asking a lot, but I need you to summon up whatever focus you can spare.
Think back 15 minutes! You were trying your damnedest to tell me something?
And going by the look you had on your face, it was worth hearing.

Okabe:
Hmph. Nice, but don’t think to ensnare me with this gambit.
And rest assured, when next we meet, I shan’t be caught off guard so easily!
Fair thee well! Hahahaaaa-hahahaha!

Makise:
Wait I…

Okabe:
Clearly a lunatic. I think I'd remember meeting her.

Mayuri:
Aha! There you are!

Okabe:
Mayuri! Where have you been?

Mayuri:
What do you mean? I texted. My Oopa’s gone missing. I wrote my name on it and everything...

Okabe:
D'you drop it somewhere?

Mayuri:
Probably...

Okabe:
Such is life.

Mayuri:
Agh! You have any idea how much a metal Oopa goes for on ebay? We’re talking 10,000 yen!

Okabe:
Ten thousand yen?!

Mayuri:
Yup!

Okabe:
Ghhhh! Well, don't just stand there! That little bauble could be the lab's ticket back to the black!

Mayuri!
*gasp* I’m not gonna sell my friend!

Okabe:
Just imagine all the gloriously wicked experiments we can get off the ground with ten thousand yen in the coffers! Mwhahahaa!

Mayuri:
I’m not gonna sell it! Don’t…

(scream)

Mayuri:
Whoa...

Okabe:
Get outside!

[...]

Okabe:
I know you're there!
...
H-holy...crap!

(phone buzzes)

Pedestrians:
What’s going on?
Your guess is as good as mine.

Mayuri:
Hey, Okarin!
Hahaha!
Hey, you feel alright? ‘Cause you look like you’re about to throw up.

Okabe:
Someone’s... been murdered...
The eighth floor.

[...]

Okabe:
What is going on?

Mayuri:
Tu-tu-roo! Bottoms up!

Okabe:
What the hell is this?!

Mayuri:
Um… a drink?

Okabe:
No, I mean everyone just disappeared!

Mayuri:
They did?

Okabe:
Yes! A moment ago there were people here!

Mayuri:
Really?

Okabe:
Stop kidding around! You have to have seen it too!
Tell me you saw it too!

Mayuri:
I didn’t!

Okabe:
This is ridiculous!

[opening]

Okabe:
Don’t play games! I know you’re watching.
That’s right, freak! It behooves you nothing to ignore me.
Take a good look!
Quaff deeply from a trough of future shock!
Allow that woolly brain to be stricken with envy!
You are speaking to member 001, lab founder, evil genius, and mad scientist extraordinaire.
‘tis I, Hououin Kyouma!

Mayuri:
I still think, that Okarin sounds way cuter.

Okabe:
Silence! My 'nom de plume' is for special missions only!
The girl is known as 002. My assistant, cosplayer and resident female, Shiina Mayuri!

Mayuri:
Tu-tu-roo! I prefer Mayushii.

Okabe:
Next up, I give you Hashida Itaru! Our… hack! Member 003.

Daru:
Urgh, It’s hacker! The way you say it makes no sense.

Okabe:
These are the members...

Daru:
Stop third-degreeing the little guy, will ya? It’s getting painful.
Bad enough you yoinked him out of the "80 percent off" bin.

Okabe:
Heed me! To find us, pry open the tiny door, hang a left at Red Queen’s ersatz botanical and we're two blocks up in the warehouse lofts, just before March Hare’s haberdashery. (Alice in Wonderland characters)
Chaos is our prime directive. To pitch the world on its ear via the maddest of mad sciences.
If you knew all of this prior, continue to stare blankly!
Aha! Just as I suspected! Doff the charade, mutant!

Mayuri:
Hey guys, you know what?
I was just thinking how weird it would be if, to Alpacaman, we’re the weird old piece of discount software?

Daru:
Maybe we can stitch together an 8-bit Turing test / first-person shooter and find out.

Mayuri:
Ooh! And we could use it on your 2D girlfriends to see if they’re really into you!

Daru:
They’re not girlfriends! They’re harem I worked very hard for.

Okabe:
No one wants to discuss your den of iniquity.

Daru:
We were just having a lively back-and-forth about the age-old question of whether or not the world, as we know it, isn’t just some hi-res RPG programmed into existence by a higher intelligence.

Okabe:
It’s not.

Daru:
How do you know?

Okabe:
Because as a concept, it’s absolutely bunk.
And because every moment we fritter away pondering such nonsense, we lose time more fruitfully spent devising ways to unravel The Organization’s plan.

Daru:
Oh yeah, my bad. Didn’t mean to take us down the rabbit hole there.

Okabe:
Hold thy tongue, hack! You are addressing the rabbit hole’s preeminent denizen, Hououin... Kyouma!

Daru:
I’m sorry, you said something?

Okabe:
Mark me, my porcine friend! One of these days, you’ll despair to have missed even the least of my utterances!

Daru:
Exactly why I back up every insane outburst in triplicate, chief.
Press chopper’s gotta be on the scene by now...

News anchor:
Several sources independently confirmed that the impact occurred around noon. The object appears to be a...satellite. As you can probably judge for yourselves at home, it’s massive.

Okabe:
Okay. Retracing steps.
Mayuri came with me to see Dr. Nakabashi’s showboat this morning. I remember that.
We left the lab together in fact.
We were standing in the doorway of a half-empty lecture hall when the crash happened.
But then what?

Okabe:
...I did?

Mayuri:
Yeah, I was right there with you. We saw the crash on the news and you said "The Organization has made its move at last!", or whatever.
Then we ran straight there to have a good look.

Okabe:
Canceled?!

Daru:
How can you be surprised? You were ranting sideways about it this morning, said the doc got cold feet.

Okabe:
No, no, no, no! Nakabachi's lecture started at 12 o’clock on the dot!

Daru:
Sorry, dude. You’re having a stroke or something. It was canceled. Good thing, too.
They’d be scraping you off the bottom of that satellite if it hadn’t been.

Okabe:
What the hell is wrong with me?
Has the organization been tampering with my memory?
*ghasp* Of course! It’s absolutely clear! Stein’s Gate has chosen!

Daru:
And here we go! Another reference no one gets but you.
Consider your audience once in a while, huh?

Okabe:
Uh?... Daru! Future Gadget No. 1!

Mayuri:
Alpacaman’s mad. You changed the channel on him. He’s very sensitive.

Daru:
Here.

Okabe:
Thank you!
...
Damn you, Mr. Braun! Your shoddy equipment will be our death!

Daru:
What did you expect? He gave it to us for free.

Okabe:
Hack, hoist this fossil!

Daru:
Give the “hack” thing a rest!
And no, it’s a sauna out there.
Just ‘cause I got some meat on my bones, doesn’t mean I’m, like, strong.

Okabe:
Mutiny!

[...]

Okabe:
Hnnng....Mr....Braun!

Mr. Braun:
Hey, it’s Mr. Tennouji or it’s nothing, I told you.

Okabe:
*huff* I require repairs now...or else…

Mr. Braun:
Huh? 'the hell’d you do with it now?
Ugh, you psychos screw up everything you lay your damn hands on.
That’ll be a thousand yen.

Okabe:
Urgh! That is outright extortion, sir! I will not stand here and be fleeced!

Mr. Braun:
I could always toss you out of your digs if you’d rather.

Okabe:
Damn the vagaries of haggling!

Mr. Braun:
When are you gonna wise up and run with a better crowd, girlie?

Mayuri:
I don’t think I really have a choice. I’m a hostage, you know.

Mr. Braun:
Eh, I swear, one of these days. Aw, you kidding? The electron gun's fried.
That’ll cost you double. Take it or leave it. Your decision.

[...]

Okabe:
New development. The organization has apparently hit cue ball into the corner pocket.
(billiard terms; cue ball - also a derogatory term for bald people - here refers to Mr. Braun)
Our enemies multiply.

Mayuri:
Here!

Okabe:
Huh?

Mayuri:
You sure guzzle that stuff like it’s going out of style.

Okabe:
To exemplary IQs, this stuff is nothing short of ambrosial.

Mayuri:
Listen to them! They’re singing...

[...]

Okabe:
Daru! It seems our landlord has finally gone over to the enemy as we feared.
Our hand is forced. Plan omega must be set in motion!

Daru:
Alrighty.

Okabe:
This is no time to be glib! We must conduct a verifiable field test for Future Gadget Numero 8.

Daru:
Oh, right. The phone wave, real name TBA. Okay?
How do you field-test a kitchen appliance?

Okabe:
Three and a half years now, yes? That’s how long you and I have known one another?

Daru:
Only if we’re counting the years and some change of high school, when we were in different classes and never said a word to each other...

Okabe:
Details, details! The point is, our friendship spans the abyss of time.
One would imagine our thoughts to be simpatico by this stage.

Daru:
Heh! Scary thought. If you wanna give the R.E.N.G. another whirl though, I’m down for it.

Okabe:
Banana, 002!

Mayuri:
Why? You’re just gonna nuke the poor thing. You’ll make it all icky.

Okabe:
Steel yourself, woman, this is for science!

Mayuri:
Well, it’s your experiment.
Bet you’d think it was pretty wasteful if you paid for these yourself though.

Okabe:
Yes, yes.

Mayuri (from phone recording):
Welcome to the radioactive entrée navigational gopher for your phone wave!
To set time, press the numerical keys corresponding to the d-desired allotment in seconds, followed by the pound sign!

Okabe:
One, two, zero, pound.

Daru:
Solid turntable action. Clockwise. Unique for a microwave, I notice.

Okabe:
Clockwise... *ghasp* There’s significance buried somewhere in that fact, I can feel it!
Approach from a quantum-perspective, Hund's rule of maximum multiplicity
[Hund's rule of maximum multiplicity is an actual physics thing: here]

Daru:
Don’t get ahead of yourself!

Okabe:
No, of course.

Daru:
Thank you.

Daru:
Typical result. Great big gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts. (a folk song)

Mayuri:
Doesn’t do that to my chicken tenders. Maybe it’s something about…

Okabe:
Perhaps, but the consistency of its effect on bananas tends to strengthen my Stein’s Gate hypothesis....

Daru:
Just what I was thinking...

Okabe:
Stifle! Eat one for verification!

Daru:
Hells no!

Okabe:
So be it! The honors go to you, my lovely.

Mayuri:
Do I have to? The bananas get all gross and floppy.
I don’t really like the way they taste...

Okabe:
You’ve eaten one?

Daru:
Mayushii!

Mayuri:
Huh?

Daru:
Could you give me that spiel again? Only instead of “gross,” could you say “wet”?

Mayuri:
Alrighty! The bananas get all wet and floppy--

Okabe:
Stop it, stop it, stop it!

[...]
News chopper:
Hopefully, this gives our viewers at home a better view of this thing’s dimensions. Not to mention the damage it caused to the building’s roof. We’ll circle around…

Daru:
*huff* I’m totally dying here...

Okabe:
You’ve been outside all of ten minutes.

Daru:
Hey! Put yourself in my shoes! It’s a lot farther than a guy like me usually ventures on foot in the summer.
Why can't they do it at Queen Maids?

Okabe:
Because a college wants nothing to do with a maid café.

Daru:
Urgh! Yeah, well, the deans are begging me to drop out with that attitude.

[...]

Daru:
Ooh, air conditioning! I can feel the life coming back!

Okabe:
There’s no way in hell the satellite can be just a coincidence.

Daru:
You're still harping on that?

Okabe:
You're telling me, you’re not the least bit curious to see the crash site?

Daru:
Like we'd see anything through the crowd. ‘sides, I’m keeping tabs on the whole shebang via the interwebs.
Ah, extra vacation days. Another holiday?

Okabe:
Wait a minute! Of course!
Give me your phone!

Daru:
What for?

Okabe:
Stop asking questions!

Daru:
Violations of my basic rights, douche bag!

Okabe:
I sent you a text…

Daru:
Huh?

Okabe:
…about Makise Kurisu’s murder.

Daru:
Dude, that was, like, so last week!

Okabe:
Last week?!

Daru:
You broke it up into three parts, spam monkey!
See?

Okabe:
Received, July 23rd, 12:56 pm.
What?

Daru:
Yup.

Okabe:
What the…?
Hang on, my outbox...
Where is it? What’s today?

Daru:
Huh? It’s the 28th. Why?
...
Spill it!

Okabe:
My text...traveled backward in time.

Daru:
What?

[ending]