Haruhi>25. The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina Episode 00
Kyon: Her name is Mikuru Asahina. On the outside, she seems like a normal, kind and extremely cute girl. But in reality, she's a battle waitress from the future. Don't ask me why she's from the future or why she's a waitress. 'Cause that's not important right now. It's just a couple of minor details you need to have shoved down your throat before this particular story can kick into gear.
Mikuru: Uh, not to bother you people or anything... We got a lot of good, crispy nappa cabbage in the store today. Did I mention that for the next hour only, all nappa cabbage is on sale for half price!
Kyon: By the way, earlier I mentioned she was a battle waitress, so you're probably wondering why she's wearing a bunny-girl costume here. You see that's because during the day she has a part-time job attracting customers to the store in the local shopping area.
Woman:
I can't believe it.
Look, the nappa cabbage is cheap today.
Woman:
Yes we should hurry up and buy some.
Man:
Hi Mikuru!
Looks like you're working hard out here today.
Mikuru: Ah, yes! I'm trying my best!
Kyon: Mikuru answers cheerfully in an outfit that screams "trying too hard." And so, thanks to her innocent charms, the nappa cabbage sold out in record time.
Morimura:
You worked so hard.
Sorry this isn't much but I want you to have it.
Mikuru: Oh, no! I'm sure it's more than enough! I should be the one apologizing to you. This is pretty much all I can do anyway.
See you later. I have to head over to the butcher shop right away now without delay. Accuse me. Ah! excuse me!
Kyon: The girl had become a sort of mascot for the local retailers. And she was loved by all the people who lived in the neighborhood. You can do it, Mikuru. Bring back the customers who flocked like lemmings to that huge mega warehouse store that opened last year! The fate of this neighborhood and its mom-and-pop stores is riding on your shoulders, Mikuru. Unfortunately, none of this has anything to do with the story.
Kyon: Anyway, getting back to the story, she's actually a battle waitress. She was sent back in time to secretly watch over someone and make sure no harm came to them. And that someone's name is Itsuki Koizumi. Looking at him, you'd think he was your average, carefree high school student. In reality, he's an esper. Unfortunately, he's not aware of his powers yet. It seems he needs a catalyst or trigger to awaken all of the super, incredible powers lying dormant within him.
She looks like she's got a high-school crush on a boy who she can't express her true feelings to. But we'll just say that was a little sigh of relief, because she saw Itsuki was safe.
Mikuru finishes her other part-time job, which also requires her to be scantly clad and goes home to her tiny room at the back of the stationery store.
Suzuki:
Uh, welcome back.
Hi Mikuru, you seem a bit tired.
Mikuru: Oh, well I'm fine really. There were a lot of customers today. It was quite a busy day.
Suzuki:
Ah, that's good.
Have a good evening.
Kyon: With her work done for the day,Mikuru can finally take off that sleazy outfit, change into something comfier and settle down for a good night's sleep.
Kyon: Ok, we stopped the camera just before she took her clothes off. So don't bother asking us for the footage, 'cause we don't have it. Honest!
Kyon: Yuki Nagato stands here dramatically, although we don't really know why. You could say she's not an ordinary girl and maybe she's a little weird. Well, you're right. Because she's actually an evil witch, who's also an alien. OK, at this point, you're supposed to get that Yuki's planning something diabolical that involves Itsuki. But there's no reason for her to be hanging out at the high school after he's gone home. Also the lighting's changed. It was early evening in the last scene, but now it's obviously the middle of the day! I mean, you can do whatever you want, but inserting cut scenes like this makes it really hard for the editor.
Kyon: Moving right along, we've got the first battle scene between Mikuru and Yuki. All the stuff about them meeting for the first time and the reason why they're fighting,I guess that's all gonna be left up to the viewer's imagination for various reasons, which shall remain unexplained. In fact, with the way this has been going, we'll be lucky if this movie makes any sense at all.
Mikuru: Koizumi, I mean, Itsuki, is not a person that you can control! I'll protect him with all I've got!
Kyon: Allow me to explain. The, uh, staff with the creative design, it's called the Starring Inferno, and it's supposed to be a magic wand.
Mikuru: It's time to use my secret weapon! Mi, Mi, Mikuru Beam!
Kyon: Huh? Let me explain. The Mikuru Beam is a super dangerous laser beam that shoots out of Mikuru Asahina's left eye.
Haruhi: Cut! Cut! Hey, Yuki, what're you doing? It's not in the script!
Kyon: What the hell are you doing? Hey, Nagato!
Kyon: I'm literally on the edge of my seat wondering what's gonna happen next. Will Mikuru escape? And why has Itsuki suddenly shown up?
Mikuru: This store is ... Um... The owner is a really friendly person! He's a really nice guy! They've been in business ever since Mr Eijiro's grandpa opened it. It's all right here! Batteries to refrigerators, they have it all! And they have a lot of things. J-Just hop on down to Omori Electronics, where good deals are made, everyday!
Kyon: Following her defeat, Mikuru walks the streets alone, deep in thought.
Mikuru: The Mikuru Beam had no effect on that alien witch. What will I do now?
Kyon: Other heroes can transform into their alter egos, but Mikuru has to change her clothes. You see, she is off to work again today and mustn't be late. Meanwhile, Itsuki was walking along staring blankly at the world as he always does.
Koizumi: And who might you be?
Nagato: I am an alien from beyond the stars that uses the art of magic.
Koizumi: Well, is that so?
Nagato: It is.
Koizumi: And what do you want with me?
Nagato: I have come from outer space with only one goal: to take your hidden powers from you.
Koizumi: What would you do if I said you were being a nuisance.
Nagato: I am prepare to use force, if I have to, to take your hidden powers away from you.
Koizumi: Just how would you use force to obtain my powers?
Nagato: Like this.
Mikuru: Look out! Ow! Owie...
Mikuru: I will never let you get away with him, you alien witch, you!
Nagato: You have won today's round, battle waitress. And I promise you won't be so lucky next time. Please make your funeral arrangements, for when next we meet. It will be the last. Next time you may be certain that I will intend to take you down and destroy you with no mercy.
Koizumi: And who might you be?
Mikuru: Just an innocent bunny girl passing through here. That's all I am. Well, good-bye!
Koizumi: Just who in the world is she?
Kyon: With a forced look of awe on his face, Itsuki watches Mikuru run off. And what's with the camera tilting up like this?
Kyon: Once again, a huge chunk of the story has been left out. After this and that involving you know what, uh, the flames of battle have burst up again, I think.
Mikuru: Even in times like this, I won't ever run away! You, you're an evil bad alien! And now you'd better leave this planet at once!
Nagato: But it is you who should leave this time plane immediately, not I. For we shall seize him and his hidden powers. For he is very valuable to us, you see. And while we're seizing him and his hidden powers, we will also invade the earth.
Mikuru: I-I won't let you get away with that! I will risk my own life to stop you!
Nagato: Prepare yourself, then, for I am about to take your life.
Tsuruya: Hehehehee.
Mikuru: But Tsuruya, don't tell me that even you...! Please get yourself back together!
Tsuruya: Ahahahaha. I can't take you seriously when you dress like that! I'm sorry Mikuru. I'm being controlled by the alien right now. Here goes nothing.
Kyon: Uh, some kind of electromagnetic waves coming out of the so-called Starring Inferno wand has turned Tsuruya and the guys into a trio of mindless puppets. Now she's trapped! What are you going to do, Mikuru? She couldn't do anything.
Koizumi: What's happened? Just grab my hand. It's ok.
Kyon: Ok, Itsuki just showed up. But where's he been all this time? I think they accidentally got him in the shot a few moments ago.
Mikuru: The water's so cold.
Koizumi: Would you please tell me just what in the world you were doing here today?
Mikuru: Um, oh yeah, evil people and the lake, and uh.. I don't ...
Haruhi: This is when you're supposed to faint.
Mikuru: Uh..
Koizumi: Get a hold of yourself.
Kyon: Normally in a situation like this, you'd call an ambulance or flag down a passer-by to go get some help. But this boy decides to carry this unconscious, innocent young beauty, and is attempting to take her away somewhere. Damn you. Anyway, Yuki's gang seems to have bailed without finishing Mikuru off, which they totally could've done. With so many mysteries, contradictions and plot-threads left tangling, we... tilt up again? As the story finally reaches the half way point. Hold on, we're only half way through this thing?
Kyon: We're back. And I think we're in Istuki's house. What bothers me though is that Mikuru, who's been carried here by Itsuki, looks like she's just gotten out of the bath. Maybe we're supposed to think that she was given a bath by Itsuki while she was unconscious? You've got to be kidding me! Then this would be the point where anyone's doubt turns into a white hot rage, building into a desire to kill. But for now, I will not give it much thought, doing away with all the emotions that might be bubbling up. We are, after all, just watching a movie with actors playing characters. This isn't reality, right?
Kyon: Uh, ok. How is this happening right now? If your mouth gets any closer to her, someone standing off camera is gonna step into frame and kick your ass, damn it!
Nagato: Hold it right there. Itsuki Koizumi, you should not be making the choice of that female. You must choose me instead; for the true potential of your hidden powers will only be realized when they mingle with my power.
Koizumi: Please explain exactly what you mean by that.
Kyon: Ok, why isn't he at least a little surprised to see Yuki at the window?
Nagato: All I can tell you at this very moment is that you have two choices before you right now. The first choice is to be with me and to make this universe evolve into what it should be. And the second is to be with her, but that will only destroy the future.
Kyon: Itsuki was worried now, more than he ever was. But what Nagato, I mean Yuki, what she said just now. She was talking about him, right?
Koizumi: Very well. I understand that he ... no in this scene it's me so I ... I am a kind of key. And a key all by itself does not have any power whatsoever. And a key is nothing but a tool with which you can open the door. And when that door is finally opened, something is going to change and I know that what will change is.... That's about all I understand, Yuki. Right now I don't have the right to make that decision. In fact, I think it's far too early for me to come up with a decision. Maybe we should put all of this deciding stuff on hold for a while. I really feel that we need more time to think this whole thing through. Although if you ever decide to tell me the whole truth about it, now that is a different story.
Nagato: There will be time enough for that in the near future. I know that now is definitely not the time for it. We consider a lack of information to be more of an obstacle, a handicap, a critical flaw. We are unable to make decisions based on information that relies on what is possible or probable.
Kyon: You could say they're setting up a plot line, but that dialogue was incomprehensible. The important thing to note is that the two of them have reached some sort of understanding.
Mikuru: Uh, I'm standing here in front of Keiji Yamatsuchi's model shop. He opened it last year after quitting his dead-end corporate job. And models were his hobby, so he figured "why not open a store?" Unfortunately, his sales have been down for a while. And compared to last year, his first-half earnings for this year are down about 80%. And so everyone should come down here and buy lots of models. Thank you!
Mikuru: Huh? You want me to hold it? You, you should never shoot this while pointing it at other people! You should only shoot empty cans with it! Huh, you want me to shoot?
Kyon: I know you've probably lost all interest in the story by now. But here's an interesting development. Mikuru and Itsuki have started living together. Well, now this is like one of those cute young housewive's shows. And it makes you wonder what all those sci-fi battle scenes were about. Are they trying to spice up the story by tossing out the plot and throwing all those moe situations at us? And who the heck is that supposed to be? Is she Itsuki's little sister? And wasn't that cat sitting on Yuki's shoulder a couple of scenes ago?
Kyon's Sis: Here we go, Shamy, introduce yourself! Hi! Ta-da! I'm Shamy! Nice to meet you!
Kyon: Now Yuki tries a different plan. And it looks like she's transferred into Itsuki's high school. Yuki attempts to ensnare Itsuki by using her sex appeal. And if you ask me, I guess I'd have to say that all's fair in love and war, right?
Kyon: Eventually, Mikuru also transfers into the same high school. You might be thinking if her job is to protect him, why didn't she infiltrate the school earlier? But you're asking the wrong guy, Yuki and Mikuru's story of battling has now turned into a heated romantic comedy, or rather nothing more than a love triangle. When they're at school, they seem to have agreed to a truce of some sort. We must have missed the scene where they do the whole realizing-your-true-nature thing and the two of them are now back to pretending to be the battle waitress and the alien magician engaging in really lame fight scenes. As for what's gonna happen next, even I, the cameraman, don't know the answer. It's a fight to the death that completely lacks any sense of excitement.
Kyon: This schizophrenic story reaches its final act as if it were written by a drunk child. I'm assuming the director of this film felt that they needed to end things quickly and it didn't really matter how they did it. It's a bit late, but that's okay. Anyhow, Yuki challenges Mikuru to a final showdown.
Mikuru: I see now.
Kyon: What exactly did she see?
Tsuruya: Why the long face, Mikuru? Is another creepy old geezer stalking you? Or did your doctor tell you you've got athlete's foot?
Mikuru: The time has finally come at last. I must go and have the final battle with the evil alien witch.
Tsuruya: That sounds amazing, Mikuru! We're counting on you. The Earth is in your ...
Mikuru: I'll do my best.
Kyon: I know I'm nitpicking here but I don't see how Mikuru and Tsuruya know each other. I'm sure you could say that they met after Mikuru transferred to the high school. But then, how does that explain the scene where Tsuruya attacked Mikuru at the lake? That happened before Mikuru started going to the school. That's a huge error in continuity, and... If you don't know what to do next, slowly pan the camera and shoot the sky... Anyway, we've reached the climax of the film, finally.
Nagato: And now let us settle the final score once and for all. I am afraid that you and I do not have very much time left anymore. We must resolve our conflict before our lunch break is over.
Mikuru: That is something we both agree on. However, I'm positive that Itsuki will say that he's gonna choose me! I am... I just know that he's gonna pick me!
Nagato: That is unfortunate for you, because I do not intend to acknowledge his free will at all. At last his hidden powers will all be mine.
Kyon: If she wants him so badly, why doesn't she just go and get him. Am I the only one thinking this?
Mikuru: I won't let you do it! That is the reason why I have come here all the way from the future!
Mikuru: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! Jump!
Haruhi: Mikuru, You have to get up and fight! Hurry!
Teacher:
Hey! What's going on ....
Kyon: Never mind the teacher that came bursting through the door, the battle continues on the roof. And it looks like Mikuru's finally been cornered.
Mikuru: It's really high.
Nagato: The time has come for you to give in to me. The hour of doom is at hand.
Kyon: Yuki unleashes her death blow upon the helpless Mikuru. I know the special effects here are weak. But there's really no other way to make this thing more thrilling. So please use your imagination to embellish. It really looks hopeless. What'll you do, Mikuru?
Koizumi: Are you all right? That's enough, Yuki. Stop this at once.
Shamisen:
Stop talking and get on with it.
The only thing you have to do is take over his mind, and then we're done here.
It's not like you haven't done something like that before, so just wave your little stick at him...
Kyon: Hey Shamisen, Stop it! Don't talk! Bad cat!
Nagato: I am also a ventriloquist. Take this, Itsuki Koizumi. I will now proceed to take control of your thoughts and actions.
Koizumi: Hm!
Nagato: Curses.
Koizumi: At last it is over, Miss Asahina.
Kyon: Itsuki's unexplainable powers have awakened. And Yuki the alien witch was transported to the far reaches of the universe. Peace has returned to our world. Thank you, Mikuru Asahina. And thank you, Itsuki Koizumi. All is well that ends well. And we're tilting up again?
Haruhi: This story is a work of fiction. All character names, organizations, incidents and any other names, phenomena and such, are fictional as well. It's all made up. Even if it resembles someone, it's probably just a coincidence. Oh, except for the commercials! Shop at Omori Electronics and Yamatsuchi Model Shop for great deals. Stop by and buy! Huh? I gotta say it again? This story is a work of fiction. All character names, organizations, incidents and any other names .... Hey Kyon! Why do I have to say all this stuff anyway? I mean It's totally obvious.
Haruhi: It's finished! That totally rocked! The SOS brigade doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible." Isn't that right, Kyon?
Kyon: You're actually gonna show this to people?
Haruhi: It's so good the theater will be packed for every screening during the Arts Festival! Maybe we should charge admission to see the film. Oh, I should touch base with the film club. Not only are we gonna get our production costs from that, we're gonna have another cash for the sequel.
Kyon: I think I'm gonna skip the festival today and take a nap somewhere.
Her name is Mikuru Asahina.
On the outside, she seems like a normal, kind and extremely cute girl.
But in reality, she's a battle waitress from the future.
Don't ask me why she's from the future or why she's a waitress.
'Cause that's not important right now.
It's just a couple of minor details you need to have shoved down your throat before this particular story can kick into gear.
Mikuru:
Uh, not to bother you people or anything...
We got a lot of good, crispy nappa cabbage in the store today.
Did I mention that for the next hour only,
all nappa cabbage is on sale for half price!
Kyon:
By the way, earlier I mentioned she was a battle waitress,
so you're probably wondering why she's wearing a bunny-girl costume here.
You see that's because during the day she has a part-time job attracting customers to the store in the local shopping area.
Woman:
I can't believe it.
Look, the nappa cabbage is cheap today.
Woman:
Yes we should hurry up and buy some.
Man:
Hi Mikuru!
Looks like you're working hard out here today.
Mikuru:
Ah, yes! I'm trying my best!
Kyon:
Mikuru answers cheerfully in an outfit that screams "trying too hard."
And so, thanks to her innocent charms, the nappa cabbage sold out in record time.
Morimura:
You worked so hard.
Sorry this isn't much but I want you to have it.
Mikuru:
Oh, no! I'm sure it's more than enough!
I should be the one apologizing to you.
This is pretty much all I can do anyway.
See you later.
I have to head over to the butcher shop right away now without delay.
Accuse me.
Ah! excuse me!
Kyon:
The girl had become a sort of mascot for the local retailers.
And she was loved by all the people who lived in the neighborhood.
You can do it, Mikuru.
Bring back the customers who flocked like lemmings to that huge mega warehouse store that opened last year!
The fate of this neighborhood and its mom-and-pop stores is riding on your shoulders, Mikuru.
Unfortunately, none of this has anything to do with the story.
Kyon:
Anyway, getting back to the story, she's actually a battle waitress.
She was sent back in time to secretly watch over someone and make sure no harm came to them.
And that someone's name is Itsuki Koizumi.
Looking at him, you'd think he was your average, carefree high school student.
In reality, he's an esper.
Unfortunately, he's not aware of his powers yet.
It seems he needs a catalyst or trigger to awaken all of the super, incredible powers lying dormant within him.
She looks like she's got a high-school crush on a boy who she can't express her true feelings to.
But we'll just say that was a little sigh of relief, because she saw Itsuki was safe.
Mikuru finishes her other part-time job, which also requires her to be scantly clad and goes home to her tiny room at the back of the stationery store.
Suzuki:
Uh, welcome back.
Hi Mikuru, you seem a bit tired.
Mikuru:
Oh, well I'm fine really.
There were a lot of customers today.
It was quite a busy day.
Suzuki:
Ah, that's good.
Have a good evening.
Kyon:
With her work done for the day,Mikuru can finally take off that sleazy outfit, change into something comfier and settle down for a good night's sleep.
Kyon:
Ok, we stopped the camera just before she took her clothes off.
So don't bother asking us for the footage, 'cause we don't have it.
Honest!
Kyon:
Yuki Nagato stands here dramatically, although we don't really know why.
You could say she's not an ordinary girl and maybe she's a little weird.
Well, you're right.
Because she's actually an evil witch, who's also an alien.
OK, at this point, you're supposed to get that Yuki's planning something diabolical that involves Itsuki.
But there's no reason for her to be hanging out at the high school after he's gone home.
Also the lighting's changed.
It was early evening in the last scene, but now it's obviously the middle of the day!
I mean, you can do whatever you want, but inserting cut scenes like this makes it really hard for the editor.
Kyon:
Moving right along, we've got the first battle scene between Mikuru and Yuki.
All the stuff about them meeting for the first time and the reason why they're fighting,I guess that's all gonna be left up to the viewer's imagination for various reasons, which shall remain unexplained.
In fact, with the way this has been going,
we'll be lucky if this movie makes any sense at all.
Mikuru:
Koizumi, I mean, Itsuki, is not a person that you can control!
I'll protect him with all I've got!
Kyon:
Allow me to explain.
The, uh, staff with the creative design,
it's called the Starring Inferno, and it's supposed to be a magic wand.
Mikuru:
It's time to use my secret weapon!
Mi, Mi, Mikuru Beam!
Kyon:
Huh? Let me explain.
The Mikuru Beam is a super dangerous laser beam that shoots out of Mikuru Asahina's left eye.
Haruhi:
Cut! Cut!
Hey, Yuki, what're you doing?
It's not in the script!
Kyon:
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, Nagato!
Kyon:
I'm literally on the edge of my seat wondering what's gonna happen next.
Will Mikuru escape?
And why has Itsuki suddenly shown up?
Mikuru:
This store is ... Um...
The owner is a really friendly person!
He's a really nice guy!
They've been in business ever since Mr Eijiro's grandpa opened it.
It's all right here!
Batteries to refrigerators, they have it all!
And they have a lot of things.
J-Just hop on down to Omori Electronics,
where good deals are made, everyday!
Kyon:
Following her defeat, Mikuru walks the streets alone, deep in thought.
Mikuru:
The Mikuru Beam had no effect on that alien witch.
What will I do now?
Kyon:
Other heroes can transform into their alter egos, but Mikuru has to change her clothes.
You see, she is off to work again today and mustn't be late.
Meanwhile, Itsuki was walking along staring blankly at the world as he always does.
Koizumi:
And who might you be?
Nagato:
I am an alien from beyond the stars that uses the art of magic.
Koizumi:
Well, is that so?
Nagato:
It is.
Koizumi:
And what do you want with me?
Nagato:
I have come from outer space with only one goal: to take your hidden powers from you.
Koizumi:
What would you do if I said you were being a nuisance.
Nagato:
I am prepare to use force, if I have to, to take your hidden powers away from you.
Koizumi:
Just how would you use force to obtain my powers?
Nagato:
Like this.
Mikuru:
Look out!
Ow!
Owie...
Mikuru:
I will never let you get away with him, you alien witch, you!
Nagato:
You have won today's round, battle waitress.
And I promise you won't be so lucky next time.
Please make your funeral arrangements, for when next we meet. It will be the last.
Next time you may be certain that I will intend to take you down and destroy you with no mercy.
Koizumi:
And who might you be?
Mikuru:
Just an innocent bunny girl passing through here.
That's all I am.
Well, good-bye!
Koizumi:
Just who in the world is she?
Kyon:
With a forced look of awe on his face, Itsuki watches Mikuru run off.
And what's with the camera tilting up like this?
Kyon:
Once again, a huge chunk of the story has been left out.
After this and that involving you know what,
uh, the flames of battle have burst up again, I think.
Mikuru:
Even in times like this, I won't ever run away!
You, you're an evil bad alien!
And now you'd better leave this planet at once!
Nagato:
But it is you who should leave this time plane immediately, not I.
For we shall seize him and his hidden powers.
For he is very valuable to us, you see.
And while we're seizing him and his hidden powers,
we will also invade the earth.
Mikuru:
I-I won't let you get away with that!
I will risk my own life to stop you!
Nagato:
Prepare yourself, then, for I am about to take your life.
Tsuruya:
Hehehehee.
Mikuru:
But Tsuruya, don't tell me that even you...!
Please get yourself back together!
Tsuruya:
Ahahahaha.
I can't take you seriously when you dress like that!
I'm sorry Mikuru.
I'm being controlled by the alien right now.
Here goes nothing.
Kyon:
Uh, some kind of electromagnetic waves coming out of the so-called Starring Inferno wand has turned Tsuruya and the guys into a trio of mindless puppets.
Now she's trapped!
What are you going to do, Mikuru?
She couldn't do anything.
Koizumi:
What's happened?
Just grab my hand.
It's ok.
Kyon:
Ok, Itsuki just showed up.
But where's he been all this time?
I think they accidentally got him in the shot a few moments ago.
Mikuru:
The water's so cold.
Koizumi:
Would you please tell me just what in the world you were doing here today?
Mikuru:
Um, oh yeah, evil people and the lake, and uh.. I don't ...
Haruhi:
This is when you're supposed to faint.
Mikuru:
Uh..
Koizumi:
Get a hold of yourself.
Kyon:
Normally in a situation like this, you'd call an ambulance or flag down a passer-by to go get some help.
But this boy decides to carry this unconscious, innocent young beauty, and is attempting to take her away somewhere.
Damn you.
Anyway, Yuki's gang seems to have bailed without finishing Mikuru off, which they totally could've done.
With so many mysteries, contradictions and plot-threads left tangling,
we... tilt up again? As the story finally reaches the half way point.
Hold on, we're only half way through this thing?
Kyon:
We're back.
And I think we're in Istuki's house.
What bothers me though is that Mikuru, who's been carried here by Itsuki, looks like she's just gotten out of the bath.
Maybe we're supposed to think that she was given a bath by Itsuki while she was unconscious?
You've got to be kidding me!
Then this would be the point where anyone's doubt turns into a white hot rage, building into a desire to kill.
But for now, I will not give it much thought, doing away with all the emotions that might be bubbling up.
We are, after all, just watching a movie with actors playing characters.
This isn't reality, right?
Kyon:
Uh, ok.
How is this happening right now?
If your mouth gets any closer to her, someone standing off camera is gonna step into frame and kick your ass, damn it!
Nagato:
Hold it right there.
Itsuki Koizumi, you should not be making the choice of that female.
You must choose me instead;
for the true potential of your hidden powers will only be realized when they mingle with my power.
Koizumi:
Please explain exactly what you mean by that.
Kyon:
Ok, why isn't he at least a little surprised to see Yuki at the window?
Nagato:
All I can tell you at this very moment is that you have two choices before you right now.
The first choice is to be with me and to make this universe evolve into what it should be.
And the second is to be with her, but that will only destroy the future.
Kyon:
Itsuki was worried now, more than he ever was.
But what Nagato, I mean Yuki, what she said just now.
She was talking about him, right?
Koizumi:
Very well.
I understand that he ... no in this scene it's me so I ... I am a kind of key.
And a key all by itself does not have any power whatsoever.
And a key is nothing but a tool with which you can open the door.
And when that door is finally opened, something is going to change and I know that what will change is....
That's about all I understand, Yuki.
Right now I don't have the right to make that decision.
In fact, I think it's far too early for me to come up with a decision.
Maybe we should put all of this deciding stuff on hold for a while.
I really feel that we need more time to think this whole thing through.
Although if you ever decide to tell me the whole truth about it, now that is a different story.
Nagato:
There will be time enough for that in the near future.
I know that now is definitely not the time for it.
We consider a lack of information to be more of an obstacle, a handicap, a critical flaw.
We are unable to make decisions based on information that relies on what is possible or probable.
Kyon:
You could say they're setting up a plot line, but that dialogue was incomprehensible.
The important thing to note is that the two of them have reached some sort of understanding.
Mikuru:
Uh, I'm standing here in front of Keiji Yamatsuchi's model shop.
He opened it last year after quitting his dead-end corporate job.
And models were his hobby, so he figured "why not open a store?"
Unfortunately, his sales have been down for a while.
And compared to last year, his first-half earnings for this year are down about 80%.
And so everyone should come down here and buy lots of models.
Thank you!
Mikuru:
Huh? You want me to hold it?
You, you should never shoot this while pointing it at other people!
You should only shoot empty cans with it!
Huh, you want me to shoot?
Kyon:
I know you've probably lost all interest in the story by now.
But here's an interesting development.
Mikuru and Itsuki have started living together.
Well, now this is like one of those cute young housewive's shows.
And it makes you wonder what all those sci-fi battle scenes were about.
Are they trying to spice up the story by tossing out the plot and throwing all those moe situations at us?
And who the heck is that supposed to be?
Is she Itsuki's little sister?
And wasn't that cat sitting on Yuki's shoulder a couple of scenes ago?
Kyon's Sis:
Here we go, Shamy, introduce yourself!
Hi! Ta-da!
I'm Shamy! Nice to meet you!
Kyon:
Now Yuki tries a different plan.
And it looks like she's transferred into Itsuki's high school.
Yuki attempts to ensnare Itsuki by using her sex appeal.
And if you ask me, I guess I'd have to say that all's fair in love and war, right?
Kyon:
Eventually, Mikuru also transfers into the same high school.
You might be thinking if her job is to protect him, why didn't she infiltrate the school earlier?
But you're asking the wrong guy,
Yuki and Mikuru's story of battling has now turned into a heated romantic comedy, or rather nothing more than a love triangle.
When they're at school, they seem to have agreed to a truce of some sort.
We must have missed the scene where they do the whole realizing-your-true-nature thing and the two of them are now back to pretending to be the battle waitress and the alien magician engaging in really lame fight scenes.
As for what's gonna happen next,
even I, the cameraman, don't know the answer.
It's a fight to the death that completely lacks any sense of excitement.
Kyon:
This schizophrenic story reaches its final act as if it were written by a drunk child.
I'm assuming the director of this film felt that they needed to end things quickly and it didn't really matter how they did it.
It's a bit late, but that's okay.
Anyhow, Yuki challenges Mikuru to a final showdown.
Mikuru:
I see now.
Kyon:
What exactly did she see?
Tsuruya:
Why the long face, Mikuru?
Is another creepy old geezer stalking you?
Or did your doctor tell you you've got athlete's foot?
Mikuru:
The time has finally come at last.
I must go and have the final battle with the evil alien witch.
Tsuruya:
That sounds amazing, Mikuru!
We're counting on you.
The Earth is in your ...
Mikuru:
I'll do my best.
Kyon:
I know I'm nitpicking here but I don't see how Mikuru and Tsuruya know each other.
I'm sure you could say that they met after Mikuru transferred to the high school.
But then, how does that explain the scene where Tsuruya attacked Mikuru at the lake?
That happened before Mikuru started going to the school.
That's a huge error in continuity, and...
If you don't know what to do next, slowly pan the camera and shoot the sky...
Anyway, we've reached the climax of the film, finally.
Nagato:
And now let us settle the final score once and for all.
I am afraid that you and I do not have very much time left anymore.
We must resolve our conflict before our lunch break is over.
Mikuru:
That is something we both agree on.
However, I'm positive that Itsuki will say that he's gonna choose me!
I am... I just know that he's gonna pick me!
Nagato:
That is unfortunate for you, because I do not intend to acknowledge his free will at all.
At last his hidden powers will all be mine.
Kyon:
If she wants him so badly, why doesn't she just go and get him.
Am I the only one thinking this?
Mikuru:
I won't let you do it!
That is the reason why I have come here all the way from the future!
Mikuru:
Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Jump!
Haruhi:
Mikuru,
You have to get up and fight! Hurry!
Teacher:
Hey! What's going on ....
Kyon:
Never mind the teacher that came bursting through the door, the battle continues on the roof.
And it looks like Mikuru's finally been cornered.
Mikuru:
It's really high.
Nagato:
The time has come for you to give in to me.
The hour of doom is at hand.
Kyon:
Yuki unleashes her death blow upon the helpless Mikuru.
I know the special effects here are weak.
But there's really no other way to make this thing more thrilling.
So please use your imagination to embellish.
It really looks hopeless.
What'll you do, Mikuru?
Koizumi:
Are you all right?
That's enough, Yuki.
Stop this at once.
Shamisen:
Stop talking and get on with it.
The only thing you have to do is take over his mind, and then we're done here.
It's not like you haven't done something like that before, so just wave your little stick at him...
Kyon:
Hey Shamisen,
Stop it! Don't talk!
Bad cat!
Nagato:
I am also a ventriloquist.
Take this, Itsuki Koizumi.
I will now proceed to take control of your thoughts and actions.
Koizumi:
Hm!
Nagato:
Curses.
Koizumi:
At last it is over, Miss Asahina.
Kyon:
Itsuki's unexplainable powers have awakened.
And Yuki the alien witch was transported to the far reaches of the universe.
Peace has returned to our world.
Thank you, Mikuru Asahina.
And thank you, Itsuki Koizumi.
All is well that ends well.
And we're tilting up again?
Haruhi:
This story is a work of fiction.
All character names, organizations, incidents and any other names, phenomena and such, are fictional as well.
It's all made up.
Even if it resembles someone, it's probably just a coincidence.
Oh, except for the commercials!
Shop at Omori Electronics and Yamatsuchi Model Shop for great deals.
Stop by and buy!
Huh? I gotta say it again?
This story is a work of fiction.
All character names, organizations, incidents and any other names ....
Hey Kyon!
Why do I have to say all this stuff anyway?
I mean It's totally obvious.
Haruhi:
It's finished!
That totally rocked!
The SOS brigade doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."
Isn't that right, Kyon?
Kyon:
You're actually gonna show this to people?
Haruhi:
It's so good the theater will be packed for every screening during the Arts Festival!
Maybe we should charge admission to see the film.
Oh, I should touch base with the film club.
Not only are we gonna get our production costs from that, we're gonna have another cash for the sequel.
Kyon:
I think I'm gonna skip the festival today and take a nap somewhere.
Haruhi:
Right Kyon?