Ouran High School Host Club>03. Beware the Physical Exam!

Tamaki:
Only those with excellent social standing and those from filthy rich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite private school, Ouran academy.
The Ouran host club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands.
Just think of it as Ouran academy's elegant playground for the super-rich and beautiful.

Host club members:
Welcome ladies.

Tamaki:
So, in which cup would my princess like her tea?
The Foley? The Worcester? Or perhaps the Susie Cooper Gardenia?

Girl:
Beautiful.
These are English antiques, aren't they?
Which one do you like, Tamaki?

Tamaki:
Which one?
Well, none of these compare to my princess.

Girl:
Wow, I don't really know what to say.

Kaoru:
You mean you've never been to Covent Garden?

Girl:
No, all of our antiques are from Portobello Road.

Hikaru:
I think you'd like Covent Garden.
Most of our Victorian pieces are from there.
Kaoru?
Honestly, Kaoru.
You have to be more careful.
From now on, keep your eyes on me, okay?

Kaoru:
Yes, Hikaru.

Girl:
I can't take it.
It's overwhelming.

Girl:
You have to watch this.
You may not get another chance.
Who knows it will happen again?

Kyoya:
You are absolutely right, mademoiselle.
All beauty is fleeting.
Just take a look at these cherry blossoms.
You'll never be able to see them this vibrant again.
And that's why I've compiled this picture book that contains photo that capture the beauty of each passing day.
Incidentally, I've prepared similar books of the other hosts as well.
And if you ladies are interested in collecting all four of them, I'll discount the full set for you.

Girl:
I'll take them.

Girl:
Me too, please.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Well, now we know how the club makes extra money.

Hikaru:
But I have to wonder.

Kaoru:
When did he take pictures of us?

Haruhi:
Should I say something to him?

Mori:
Mitsukuni, you overdid it.

Haruhi:
He told him.

Girl:
Honey, I'll take it.
It looks so yummy.

Girl:
It's just the right amount for both of us.
Any more would be too much.
How did you know?
You never cease to amaze me.

Honey:
Really?

Tamaki:
Haruhi, how are you doing?
Are you having a good time?

Haruhi:
Tamaki senpai.

Tamaki:
The flower-viewing reception is going over quite well.
But even so, it's rather daunting to spend more time being admired than doing the admiring.

Haruhi:
Oh wow senpai, you're blooming in more ways than one.

Tamaki:
You noticed.
Yes, today, my beauty is quite splendorous. I'm in full bloom.
I bet you'll fall for me soon.

Haruhi:
I swear this guy must live his life completely unaware of the hardships of this world.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
So, Haruhi, have you decided your elective courses for this term?

Kaoru:
How about conversational French?

Haruhi:
I don't know.

Hikaru:
I think the three of us should take it together.
It makes perfect sense.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
We are in the same class.

Tamaki:
Say, Mommy dear?

Kyoya:
What is it now, Daddy?

Tamaki:
I have a new theory.
I mean, it's just my hypothesis.
But it seems that by being in the same class, Hikaru and Kaoru are able to spend more time with Haruhi than I get to here at the club.
This gives them a chance to get close to her, and if that happens...

Kyoys:
Tamaki, you just now realize that?
According to my research, in a single day, the twin spend roughly nine hours of class time with Haruhi.
Meanwhile, your contact with her is limited to a couple of hours of club activities.
In other words, your involvement in Haruhi's life each day amounts to no more than a mere 3%.
I'm so very sorry.

Tamaki:
Aah!
I don't wanna hear it.
I don't wanna hear it.
Listen, Haruhi.
I want you to stop hanging out with shady twins from now on.

Hikaru:
Who you calling shady?

Kaoru:
Yeah, take a good look at yourself, boss.

Tamaki:
Yes, that's it.
All right then.
We can't go on hiding the fact that you're a girl from everyone in the school any longer.
All daddy wants is for you to go back to being the girl you used to be, for you to surround yourself with girlfriends and start leading a wholesome life.

Haruhi:
Who are you calling daddy?

Tamaki:
So, do it.
Change back now.
Change right now.

Hikaru:
You don't have to rush things.
She's going to be found out soon enough.

Kaoru:
Physical exams are the day after tomorrow.

Haruhi
Physical exams?

Kyoya:
That's right.
I forgot all about it.

Haruhi:
Then that means there's no doubt.
They're gonna know I'm really a girl.


"Beware the Physical Exam!"


Tamaki:
Haruhi.
Been waiting long?
What's the matter?
You look a little down.

Haruhi:
I can't help it.
Everyone keeps staring at me for some reason.
I'm so embarrassed.

Tamaki:
They're looking at you because you're lovely.
Don't you worry.
I promise that I will protect you no matter what.

Haruhi:
Oh senpai, that makes me feel better.
Thank you.
I mean it.

Haruhi:
I'm in love-love with you, Tamaki senpai.

Tamaki:
Oh you.

Honey:
He must be having a great daydream.

Hikaru:
He's kind of creeping me out.

Tamaki:
Envious, Hikaru?
This is all part of my strategy.
While you've wasted time blinded by your jealousy, I've foreseen the outcome of this charade.
This anime is obviously a romantic school comedy.
Haruhi and I are the main characters.
So that means we are love interests.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Yeah, then what are we?

Tamaki:
You boys are the homosexual supporting cast.
So, please make sure that you don't step across this line.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
You've gotta be kidding.

Hikaru:
Hey listen, boss.

Kaoru:
I don't think you get it.

Honey:
If word gets out that Hary-chan is really a girl, then she won't be able to be in the host club any more.
But if Haru-chan started wearing girls' clothes, I bet she'd be even cuter than she is now.

Hikaru:
She dressed like a regular girl when she was in middle school, right?
She must've been pretty popular with all the boys.

Kyoya:
Yeah, according to my investigative report, someone would declare their undying love to her at least once a month.

Kaoru:
Oh, I see.
So the boss wouldn't even be able to get close to her.

Hikaru:
But we'd be able to because we're in class with her all day long.

Tamaki:
No way.

Haruhi:
Hey guys, sorry I'm so late.

Tamaki:
Don't you worry, Haruhi!
We're determined to keep your secret.
No one will find out that you're really a girl during tomorrow's physical exams.
So please, promise you'll stay our beloved secret princess.

Haruhi:
Sure.

Hikaru:
You know what.
I think both of us would be a little peeved if we had to watch all the guys flirt with her.

Kaoru:
Then that settles it.

Tamaki:
Listen up, squad members.
At tomorrow's physical exams, position yourselves in formation A.
And then wait for your orders.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Yes, sir.

Haruhi:
I've got it.
You guys are worried because if they find out I'm a girl, I can't be a host and therefore can't repay my debt.
My balance is 5,333,332 yen.
Well, guess I'll have to come up with another way to pay you back.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Do something.
The subject doesn't appear to have any motivation.

Tamaki:
Why do we get stuck with such a difficult heroine?
Are you saying that you hate being a host?
That you hate this club?

Haruhi:
To be honest, I'd have to say yes.
I mean you guys aren't bad.
But If it gets out that I'm a girl, there's nothing I can do, you know?

Hikaru:
She doesn't seem to care one way or the other.

Kaoru:
Well before we do anything else, we have to find a way to motivate her.

Mori:
Fancy tuna.

Tamaki:
Oh that's right.
You didn't get the chance to eat any during last episode's party, did you?

Hikaru:
Did you hear that?
She's never eaten fancy tuna before.
Isn't that awful?

Kaoru:
Wow, talk about a difficult childhood.

Honey:
If only Haru-chan could stay in the host club, she'd have the chance to eat all kinds of yummy things whenever she wants.

Haruhi:
What are you talking about?
Don't be silly.
Just because I'm poor and I've never had it doesn't mean I'm so much of a glutton that I'd go on fooling everyone about my gender just to try some fancy tuna...
Am I really gonna get to try it?

Girl:
We will begin conducting physical examinations shortly.
All students, please proceed to the clinic in your respective school building.

Haruhi:
So, what's the deal with this formation A thing you guys were talking about?
What do they do during physical exams here at Ouran, anyway?

Hikaru:
It's no different than a physical exam you'd get at any other school.

Kaoru:
Yeah, why would a physical exam be any different for us just because we're rich?

Haruhi:
You're right.
I didn't think about it that way.

Doctors:
Welcome, students.

Haruhi:
W-what is all this?

Hikaru:
Just another physical exam.

Kaoru:
The usual.

Haruhi:
The usual?

Nurse:
Excuse me, Hitachiin brothers, please follow me this way to have your height measured.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Sure thing.

Nurse:
Mr. Fujioka, I'm your nurse for the physical exams this afternoon.

Haruhi:
Okay.

Nurse:
Please, come this way.

Girl:
Why are Honey and Mori dressed as doctors?

Girl:
I don't know.

Haruhi:
Honey senpai! Mori senpai!
It's so obvious.

Kyoya:
I've got those two for backup just in case something happens.

Haruhi:
But why are they in doctor disguises?

Kyoya:
They're just helping to set the mood.
The disguises make our operation feel like a real espionage mission.

Doctor:
Wow, Miss Shiramine, you've lost two whole kilo grams since this time last year.

Shiramine:
It's so good to hear.
I thought for sure I was heavier.

Doctor:
Not at all.
Keep it up and you'll be even healthier next year.
Good work.

Haruhi:
Don't you think it's weird that these doctors are all so jovial and nice?

Kyoya:
They're chosen by the school's chairman.
This may be a school, but it's also a business.
Therefore, he wants to keep students happy.
After all, most of the students that attend Ouran academy come from prominent families that have their own private doctors at home.
So, this is just a formality.

Haruhi:
These damn rich people.

Yabu:
I'm terribly sorry.

Kyoya:
No problem.
Huh?


Nurse:
Hitachiin brothers, would you please come with me?
We're ready to do your chest measurements.
You can use the area behind this curtain to undress.

Hikaru:
Doesn't matter to me.

Kaoru:
We're not shy.
Who needs a curtain?

Kyoya:
See, Haruhi.
A rather impressive turnout today.
Physical exam day is quite popular with the ladies.

Haruhi:
What's wrong with the girls at this school?

Hikaru:
I won't allow it.
It's just not fair.
I won't let those doctors touch you, Kaoru.

Kaoru:
What are you talking about?
You don't seem to have a problem touching me when we play doctor at home.
I can't get you to stop tickling me and toying with my body.

Honey:
Come on, Haru-chan, this way.

Tamaki:
I've been waiting for you, my princess.

Haruhi:
Tamaki senpai.

Tamaki:
You're so cute when you're surprised.

Nurse:
Mr. Fujioka, it's time for us to take your chest measurements.
Once you've finished disrobing, would you please come with me?

Girl:
Haruhi is coming up now.

Tamaki:
This is it.
The inevitable moment has arrived.
You just stay back here and wait, okay Haruhi?

Haruhi:
But what are you gonna do?

Tamaki:
Don't you worry.
I'll protect you.
I promise I'll protect you, Haruhi.

Nurse:
Mr. Fujioka, are you ready to be measured now?

Tamaki:
Yes.
I'm Haruhi Fujioka.

Girl:
Wait, that's Tamaki.

Girl:
There's no denying it.
That's definitely Tamaki.

Girl:
Is he cosplaying as Haruhi?

Girl:
What's going on?
Is he trying to be funny?

Hikaru:
I can't believe he actually did it.

Kaoru:
They recognized him.
I told you they'd see through it.

Tamaki:
You jerks!
You said there was no way the girls would be able to tell it was me.

Hikaru:
It's payback for calling us the homosexual supporting cast.

Tamaki:
I'm sorry.
They figured it out.

Haruhi:
Just as I thought.
Tamaki sanpai lives in his own carefree little world.

Kyoya:
Haruhi, ready?
I went ahead and set up a separate room for you, a special boys' clinic.
And I have a doctor standing by sworn to secrecy.

Hikaru:
It turns out the doctors here today are all on staff at one of Kyoya senpai's family's hospitals.

Kaoru:
Would've been nice if he had said something to us earlier.

Kyoya:
I had to get my revenge too.
I'm sorry.
I just don't think I'm a supporting cast, homosexual or otherwise.

Girl:
Is there something wrong?

Girl:
Check it out.
Tamaki is eroding away.

Girl:
Oh wow.

Tamaki:
Haruhi is... angry with me...

Doctor:
Come in.
Hello Mr. Fujioka.
I've been made aware of your situation.
If you wouldn't mind, please disrobe for me over there.

Haruhi:
Sure.

Girl:
I'm telling the truth!
One of the doctors grabbed me by my shoulder.
He was trying to make a pass at me.
I've never been so terrified.

Girl:
Wow, how scary.

GIrl:
Do you think it was a pervert?

Kyoya:
I had a feeling this might happen.

Honey:
What do you mean?

Kyoya:
A bit earlier today, I saw a strange man wearing a white lab coat, but clearly not one of our hospital's doctors.
And I thought he was a little odd.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Shouldn't you have said something sooner?

Kyoya:
Oh well, it's no big deal.
I'm sure the security guard will catch him.

Man:
Tell me, Miss.
Did you happen to notice where the pervert doctor was headed?

Girl:
Yes, sir, he ran off to the special boys' clinic.

Host club members:
Haruhi!

Haruhi:
Excuse me.

Yabu:
No, it's not what you think.
Please just keep quiet.

Tamaki:
Haruhi!
Tama-chan kick!

Hikaru and Kaoru:
One...
Good looks that attract the public eye.

Kyoya:
Two...
More wealth than you could imagine.

Mori:
Three, chivalry that would never be able to overlook...

Honey:
...the hideous wickedness of this world.

Tamaki:
That's what makes up the Ouran host club.

Host club members:
We're here!
Watch out!

Yabu:
Please don't hurt me.
Spare me my life.

I'm a doctor.
I have a small emergency medical clinic that I run in the next town over.
My name is Yabu.

Hikaru:
Did he say his name is Yabu?

Kaoru:
That's crazy.
What a terrible name for a doctor.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Unless you're a quack.

Yabu:
I know.
I'm here because I was hoping to see my daughter.
My wife left me last month and took my daughter with her.
But I know that she attends school here.

Haruhi:
I don't mean to pry or anything.
But why did your wife and daughter leave you?

Yabu:
Well, you see.

Yabu's wife:
I'm sick of this!
You let someone give you an IOU again?
You promised us you wouldn't do that anymore.

Yabu:
Don't worry, dear.
I know this guy is good for it, we can trust him.
Everything will be all right.

Yabu's daughter:
I can't take this anymore!
Dad, you never think about the welfare of our family.

Yabu's wife:
I'm going home to Mother!

Yabu:
No, please, wait!
And that was it.
They left me forever.
I know I'm terrible at managing our money.
And I can't say no to anybody.
I don't blame them for being tired of constantly living in debt.
But I wanted to see my daughter one more time, so I came here.
After being pelted by rain and wandering the streets, I finally made it to your school.
Once I entered, I was mistaken for a doctor here to examine students.

Hikaru:
Well of course.
You're wearing a lab coat.

Kaoru:
Anyone would mistake you.

Yabu:
And then it happened.
Excuse me, Miss, I'm looking for my d--

When I tried to ask her about my daughter, the girl started screaming and before I knew it, there were all kinds of people chasing me!

Tamaki:
That's so tragic!

Kyoya:
Doctor Yabu, I think you may have the wrong place.
Are you looking for Ourin public high school?

Yabu:
Yeah, that's right.

Kyoya:
I figured out that might be the case.
This is Ouran academy, a private institution.
Your daughter doesn't go to school here.

Hikaru:
Man, that's pretty sad.
You don't even know what school your daughter goes to?

Kaoru:
I bed your relationship is messed up because you don't pay attention to her, not because of some stupid debt.

Honey:
Wow, Kyo-chan, I'm impressed that you figured out he had the wrong school.

Kyoya:
Well, there's no way the daughter of such a small time doctor would ever be able to get into Ouran academy.

Tamaki:
Kyoya, would you please find a map of all the public school in this area?
I'd like to help this man find his daughter.

Kyoya:
Whatever you say.

Hikaru:
Are you sure about this?

Kaoru:
After all, even if he does manage to find his daughter, there's no guarantee she'll wanna speak to him.

Tamaki:
Well then, that's something he'll have to find out for himself.

Haruhi:
I'm sorry about this, you guys, but could you please leave?

Tamaki:
Haruhi, are you still angry with me?
You're not thinking of quitting the host club, are you?

Haruhi:
Don't be stupid, senpai.
I've just gotta finish my physical exam, as a male student, of course.
Uh, but let me explain.
I'm not doing this because you're bribing me with food.
I'm doing it to pay back my debt.

Tamaki:
You're so cute, Haruhi!
I can see right through you.
I know you're just after that fancy tuna.
But it's so cute that you're pretending...

Haruhi:
Cut it out, senpai.
Hey, don't touch me there.

Hikaru and Kaoru:
Red card!

Hikaru:
Looks like Tamaki senpai...

Kaoru:
...is the real pervert.

Haruhi:
Who cares?
Would you guys just get out of here?


Haruhi:
Hey senpai, I heard a rumor there's another girl joining the host club.
Is that true?

Tamaki:
Don't act so surprised.
I've heard that she's actually Kyoya's fiancee.

Haruhi:
Next time, "Attack of the Lady Manager".

Tamaki:
The Ouran host club will be waiting for you.

Host club members:
We'll see you then.