01. Boy Meets Girl. Please Give Me Your "First Time"!!


Boy:
Hey, check out that girl.

Girl #1:
Wow! She's like beyond pretty!

Girl #2:
Is she a model or something?

Girl #3:
I think she's a freshman.

Girl #4:
She's gorgeous.

Everyone:
Who is she?

Eros Deity:
Who's this pretty young girl? Introducing the lovely Yamada! Yes, that's her last name. Her first name's a secret. This is a girl of transcendent beauty, so it goes without saying that she's pretty hot naked.

Yamada:
All yucky hair removed, check. Skin glowing, check. Awesome! Another day of perfection--except... for the one spot.... Why do you look like that?! It's so weird! Does everyone else's look so strange?!

Eros Deity:
Fifteen years old and a virgin! She just started high school. Guess what she wants to do more than anything?

Yamada:
Ever since I was little, I've had one goal for high school--it's practically a lifelong dream: I'm gonna have sex with 100 guys!

Chika:
Hey Sis, shouldn't you first, I don't know, find a boyfriend?

Yamada:
Chika! Have you ever heard of knocking?!

-OP-

Yamada (saying title):
Boy Meets Girl. Let Me Have Your "First Time"!

Yamada:
I'm here, Takeshita! Sorry I'm late!

Takeshita:
Finally! What's the deal? You were the one who wanted to go shopping today, not me.

Yamada:
Yeah, I know--I said I'm sorry.

Takeshita:
So, what are you gonna buy?

Yamada:
A dictionary.

Takeshita:
Why? Can't you just use the one you had in middle school?

Yamada:
Uh no, not anymore. I might've accidentally highlighted all the dirty words in red.

Takeshita:
You're like a seven-year-old boy! Seriously!

Playboy #1:
Hey there. Has anyone ever told you you're hot?

Playboy #2:
What are you doing? Wanna hang out with us?

Takeshita:
This stuff always happens when I'm out with Yamada. So, what do you wanna do?

Yamada:
Hmm...

Playboy:
A virgin? Wow, awkward. You must not be as popular as I thought.

Yamada:
(Cries out in embarrassment.)

Playboy:
Wow... what's that about?

Yamada:
No, but thanks anyway!

Takeshita:
Remember how I'm always telling you that you're too picky? This is what I'm talking about, and also why you can't find a boyfriend.

Yamada:
Do I or do I not have the right to choose a good-looking guy? It's just the good-looking ones are all so used to having sex. Finding a card-carrying virgin cherry boy who's also a hottie is practically impossible.

Takeshita:
You are messed up! I mean, seriously!

Yamada:
Look! That guy's shopping for a dictionary. I bet he highlighted the dirty words too.

Takeshita:
I seriously doubt that, Yamada.

Yamada:
Talk about a plain Jane. He's average at best and isn't masculine, like, at all. Gosh, it's hard for me to find a guy to have my first time with. I can't imagine how rough it must be for him. Aaah! Ow.... Oh wait... that didn't hurt.

Kosuda:
Ow, that hurt.

Yamada:
Plain Jane saved me...

Eros Deity:
No, I think he was just unfortunate and in the path of your fall.

Kosuda:
Oh, I'm sorry!

Yamada:
Weird... what's he freaking out about? Wait, I kinda get it--he's probably never been this close to pretty. (Gasps.) He doesn't intimidate me, since he obviously is not used to having sex, and he's a total gentleman! In terms of being my first, he's...

Chef:
Startin' safe!

Customer:
Just a safe beer, yes.

Yamada:
...He's a total safe bet! I bet he plays it safe, too! This could be my cherry picker. ...I'm Yamada. Sorry about falling on you.

Kosuda:
Huh?

Yamada:
I've gotta ask him. I can't not ask him. Um... I have a question.

Boy:
Yeah...?

Yamada:
I was wondering... you're still a cherry boy, am I right?

Takeshita:
You could at least ask his name first!

???:
Jackpot!

Yamada:
Wait!

Eros Deity:
Apparently the answer is yes.

Takeshita:
You said you wanted a hot guy and now you're into him? Yeah, I do not get your taste in men, like, at all.

Yamada:
I wonder who that was...

Takeshita:
Well on the plus side you got a good look at his face.

Yamada:
Right, about that--I don't remember it.

Takeshita:
Seriously?

Yamada:
All I gotta do is get through the first time. After that, I'll be totally good to go. I just need to find the right guy to break the seal.

Takeshita:
Don't tell me what you're thinking, 'kay? I already know it's about that bookstore dude.

Yamada:
You're psychic... I just wonder where he is. He could be, like, my destiny.

Eros Deity:
Aah!! Hey, Yamada! He's right over there! Look! He's sitting right next to you! C'mon, look!

Boy:
Yo, Yamada.

Kosuda:
Who's Yamada?

Boy:
Hey, so, uh... would it be okay if I take your picture?

Yamada:
My picture?

Boy:
(Pants and moans sexually.) Y-Yamada!

Yamada:
No! No way! (Grumbles.)

Kosuda:
That's the girl I met at the bookstore yesterday. She's in my class?

Yamada:
Hey! What are you, deaf?! I just said I didn't want my picture taken! God!

Takeshita:
Yamada! He was giving it back to you.

Yamada:
Oh, that's my phone. Oops. I thought you were being a stalkery perv. I'm sorry. Hmm? Hmm...? I remember you! From the bookstore yesterday!

Kosuda:
Yeah...

Yamada:
You're the cherry boy!

Kosuda:
You know what, I do have a name! It's Takashi Kosuda, okay?!

Yamada:
Kosuda, huh. Ahh... Kosuda. So that's Plain Jane's name. Who'd've thunk he'd end up sitting right next to me? This is totally fate. Rejoice, Kosuda! You have been chosen to be the very first of a hundred lucky men who will get the chance to have sex with me.

Eros Deity:
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!

Yamada:
First, I need to find a way to get closer to him. I've got it! I forgot my math book. Can we share?

Kosuda:
Of course.

Yamada:
I'm so good! So, listen up! You should let me borrow your math book, now!

Kosuda:
What is wrong with this girl?

Yamada:
Okay... what?! Oh, no!

Eros Deity:
You're not too bright, are you?

Yamada:
This subtle crap is so not my style! I have to put myself out there! First, I gotta find a way to be alone with him.

Teacher:
Uhhh, what are you doing?

Yamada:
Maybe in his room... or in his car... or on a Ferris wheel... but those are all relationship-y things! I need a different tactic--abduction!

Kosuda:
Oh, Yamada, it's you.

Yamada:
Okay, I'm completely alone with him. Now what do I do...? Oh crap, I didn't plan that far ahead! Come on stupid, think of something! How are you supposed to seduce somebody? Just... take off my clothes...? I've never had a boyfriend before; I don't know what to do! (Moans in despair.) Just take off my clothes! Take 'em off! Take 'em off! Take 'em off!

Kosuda:
(Screams.)

Yamada:
(Laughs nervously.) Or maybe... not? Way to make yourself look like a total creeper! What was I thinking!? I'm so freaking stupid!

Boy #1:
I'm jealous of you, Kosuda. You get to sit right next to that girl...

Boy #2:
So, come on, bro! Tell us what she's like! I bet she's stuck-up.

Kosuda:
No actually, she's more, um.... Let's see. Here's my experience with her: 1. She teased me by calling me a cherry boy. 2. She accused me of being a stalker and a perv. 3. She stole my math book. 4. She flashed her breasts at me. If there was no #4, I'd call her obnoxious. Maybe I'll just tell 'em she's weird.

Teacher:
Tanimoto will be assigned to the school disciplinary committee. Next, we need two library committee members. Anyone care to volunteer for this swanky job? And, not a single one of you has raised your hand. Color me shocked. Fine. I'll pick the volunteers myself then: Yamada and Kosuda.

Yamada:
This is perfect! Stupid books!

Kosuda:
Are you okay? Here, let me help.

Yamada:
Uh, did I hurt you?

Kosuda:
No... I'm good...

Yamada:
Thank you, Kosuda. I wonder why I can't say that out loud. I mean, he does have a way of being there right when I need him. I didn't really like the library at first because it smells like dirty socks worn by a wet dog. But it does have great hiding spots.

Yamada:
No, wait... we can't do it in here...

Kosuda:
You know you want to , Yamada.

Yamada:
Kosuda, can I ask you a favor?

Kosuda:
Oh, yeah, sure. What do you need?

Yamada:
It's just... my tummy hurts. Will you please rub it?

Kosuda:
Have you tried taking anything?

Yamada:
Yeah, I did earlier. But it's not working. It hurts bad. Will you please touch it?

Yamada:
Oh, why did you stop? My chest feels kinda tight. No, I can't run away again today. I gotta focus! That feels so good. Will you rub higher?

Kosuda:
Higher...? Higher?!

Eros Deity:
Higher!

Yamada and Eros Deity:
No, that's way too high!

Kosuda:
This is an invitation, right? But what if she's really hurting? If so, and I do it, will that make me a bad person?

Yamada:
C'mon, quit teasing me. That's right... you're almost there... will you grab them already?!

Kosuda:
(Screams.) I'll be right back with the nurse.

Chorus:
B Gata H Kei. (Japanese)

Yamada:
Dammit... We were so close...

Eros Deity:
You'll never get laid at this rate! Hmm? I'm Yamada's Eros Deity. So I get to say things like that. I am the god of sexual desire! Basically my job is to make sure Yamada gets her dirty dirty freak freak on. I hope we get your support. So great to meet you! The transcendent beauty Yamada's path to nailing 100 high-school boys is not going to be an easy one.

-the End of the First Half-

???:
B Gata H Kei.

Teacher:
If you haven't taken off your bra yet, now's the time.

Eros Deity:
Hello all! Today is physical checkups, everyone's favorite.

Teacher:
Okay, next is Yamada. Height: 164 cm. Weight: 43 kg. Sitting height: 87 cm.

Girl #1:
Holy crap! She's perfect!

Girl #2:
Your legs are so long.

Yamada:
Are they?

Teacher:
Next up, Takeshita.

Takeshita:
Hmm?

Yamada:
You've got the biggest boobs on Earth. Those are like an F cup, right?

Takeshita:
Will you stop looking at me like that?! You're freaking me out!

Girl #1:
Turns out I haven't changed at all since last year.

Girl #2:
...it's not even funny!

Kosuda:
I don't get what Yamada's thinking at all. I mean, it kind of seems like she's into me. Okay, maybe not... she doesn't even wanna look my way.

Yamada:
I hope you checked out my measurements, stud. You can't resist perfection!

Kosuda (saying title):
Big Gambit After School!

Yamada (saying title):
Why Don't We Start with a Kiss?

Girl #1:
Oh man... midterms are coming up. Will someone just kill me now?

Girl #2:
Quit stressing out! We'll just study together like normal.

Takeshita:
So, are you gonna ask Kosuda to be your study buddy this year?

Yamada:
Why would I do that? I already know like everything.

Takeshita:
That's not true. You're not so good at the math. Besides, it could seriously bring the two of you closer together.

Yamada:
Good idea! But where? I mean, it's not like we're close enough to visit each other's houses yet.

Takeshita:
What's wrong with using the classrooms?

Yamada:
Are you kidding me?! Oh, Kosuda!

Kosuda:
Yamada!

Yamada:
I could never do that, it's too public! Anyone could just walk in on us at any time!

Takeshita:
I was talking about homework, not doing him on a desk.

Eros Deity:
Later that day...

Yamada:
K-Kosuda! I've decided you should teach me math!

Takeshita:
Really? Yelling is what you went for here?

Kosuda:
(Stammers and then silently nods.)

Yamada:
So then, is that what I'm supposed to do with number 4 on page 37?

Kosuda:
No, this is the formula you would need to use to figure out the perimeter.

Yamada:
Right! The other one's area. I'm impressed. He's like really smart.

Kosuda:
Oh, good. I think I might actually be helping her.

Yamada:
So, then... hold on. What about...

Kosuda:
Sorry! I'm so sorry!

Yamada:
I can't believe it. We totally just almost like on-the-mouth kissed! Wait. I feel an idea coming on. I've been completely focused on sex this whole time, but couples normally make out first, right? I can't shoot for home when we haven't even been to first base yet! I could start off by kissing him! A journey of a thousand miles start with a single step! And banging a hundred dudes starts with a first kiss! Where did you have your first kiss? The number one answer is in his room or my room. Oh, yeah!

Kosuda:
Yamada...

Yamada:
Kosuda...

Chika:
Congratulations on bringing a boy home for the first time, like, ever.

Yamada:
My place is no good. It'll be definitely at Kosuda's. So how do I get there? Huh... yes! That's it!

Eros Deity:
A few days later...

Yamada:
Okay. Now that I know which umbrella is his. I... am... silent... like... ninja... yoink! I'll hide it.

Eros Deity:
Umbrella thief! Later, after school had ended for the day...

Kosuda:
Hey, wait. Where did my umbrella go?

Yamada:
I'm awesome!

Eros Deity:
You idiot!

Yamada:
Did you forget your umbrella? I guess I have no other choice then--I'll share my umbrella with you. Let's go.

Kosuda:
Um, I can hold it if you want.

Yamada:
Oh, okay. So I wanted to say thanks. I got a good score on my math midterm and I couldn't've done it without you.

Kosuda:
Yeah, okay, cool, wow, you're welcome. Man... she is so freakin' cute.

Yamada:
What the hell? That's my head, genius! Wait a minute.... I hope his house is kinda far away.

Kosuda:
Sorry for making you walk me home in the rain like this.

Yamada:
Oh, no problem. Sorry for stealing your umbrella! After he invites me inside, I just need to get into his room! Kosuda...

Kosuda:
Yamada...

Yamada:
Kiss... (laughing) What's the deal?! Invite me in already!

Kosuda:
I wonder if I should invite her in already.

Kazuki:
Takashi. I didn't know you were home yet.

Kosuda:
Hey Sis. I guess you're skipping your college classes again.

Yamada:
His sister?! She's way pretty. So this means he's used to being around pretty women?

Kazuki:
Oh, you brought a girl home?! I'm so proud of my precious baby brother!

Kosuda:
Stop it! Get off of me, you wacko!

Yamada:
He's used to girls' bodies!

Kazuki:
My name's Kazuki. I'm a sophomore in college. Oh man, talk about surprised. I was not expecting Takashi to bring a girl home with him today. You're cute. Why are you hanging out with him?

Kosuda:
C'mon! Cut it out!

Yamada:
Ahem! I, uh... Kosuda, where's your room? I'd like to see it.

Kosuda:
Let me straighten it up first! I'll be right back!

Kazuki:
Don't forget to put away all your dirty magazines! Oh, I'm sorry. I just like to give him a hard time.

Yamada:
It's okay. I think it's natural though--having dirty magazines, I mean.

Chika:
(Sighs.) Yamada... you are hopeless...

Kazuki:
I'm glad you're here. My brother has always been pretty shy, and even though I tried to protect him, he was picked on all the time. But, apparently he's managed to come out of all that okay. I mean, Takashi's a genuinely good guy and he deserves to be with a great girl. You know, someone cool who's into him.

Yamada:
Sorry sister, my motives aren't that pure. You're right. He's never been anything but a gentleman to me. I do know that much about him.

Kazuki:
Well, yay! Hey Mom. Can we just have dinner near the station? Takashi's not hungry right now. We won't be back home for about two hours, okay? You crazy kids have fun!

Kosuda:
Thanks for waiting. Kazuki? Where did she go?

Yamada:
We're gonna be alone for two hours... awesome! Those sex hotels run by the hour, don't they? That means we should have more than enough time. I was just planning on a kiss, but now...

Kazuki:
Make my little brother a man, won't you?

Yamada:
Who would've figured his sister would approve of this!

Kazuki:
I never said that!

Kosuda:
Uh... I'm thirsty. How 'bout you? I'll be back in a second with something to drink.

Yamada:
That'll get him! No guy can refuse this position.

Kosuda:
Barley tea or iced coffee? That's all I've got, so which one?

Yamada:
Oh man... this is so stressful! What am I supposed to do next? Wait--I'll call Takeshita and ask her! Takeshita! Hey!

Takeshita:
What do you want? I'm at the cash register right now.

Yamada:
Oh, really? Where at?

Takeshita:
The drugstore.

Yamada:
Drugstore? What did you buy?

Takeshita:
Nothing yet! I gotta go!

Yamada:
What's her deal? She acts like she was buying something embarrassing. Haha! How scandalous! Was it this or that... or this or that... or this or that...

Takeshita:
Skin cream for heat rash...

Yamada:
Oh, no! Speaking of the drugstore...

(The condom song)

I'm so stupid! How could I forget those!

Eros Deity:
Do not enter!

Kosuda (in her imagination):
Mommy...

Kosuda:
Okay, I'm back! You okay? Yamada? Yamada!

Yamada:
Get yourself together! I'll just go back to Plan A: get a kiss! Now, focus and liven the mood! Can I see your photo album, pretty please?

Kosuda:
Oh, here you go.

Yamada:
Perfect! I'll be able to compliment him this way and make him feel more confident. Oh, how sweet! You were the cutest baby, like, ever! Oh, how fun! You're kind of like... one of those babushka dolls.

Kosuda:
I wonder if that's supposed to be a compliment...

Yamada:
Okay, this isn't working out. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Kosuda:
Yamada... I'm going for it.

Yamada:
Here we go... I'm ready.... What is that thing?! I'm leaving!

Kosuda:
No...! Kill me... kill me... kill me... kill me...

Yamada:
That was awful! I was too shocked to do anything but run.

Eros Deity:
See? This path is a hard one.

-the End of the Main Part-
Yamada:
Yamada here. So, I saw something crazy today, but I'm fully recovered now. The next episode takes place in the height of summer. I'm gonna captivate Kosuda by wearing a teeny bikini!

Kosuda:
Um... Yamada?

Yamada:
An F-cup girl with glasses will show up too, but she's no threat to me. In the next episode, I'll push on towards my goal of doing one hundred guys! See you next time.