JEFF:
She gets on the train with a whole bunch of people and I never see her face.
And then she sits diagonally in front of me.
I can only see her leg.
STEVE:
You've fallen in love with just a leg?
JEFF:
It's a great leg.
You haven't seen this leg.
PATRICK:
Left or right?
STEVE:
What?
PATRICK:
It's a leg. What else is there to ask?
JEFF:
Left.
PATRICK:
Nice.
JEFF:
And brunette.
STEVE:
Brunette?
JEFF:
I saw the back of her head once.
PATRICK:
How was it?
JEFF:
Pert.
STEVE:
She has a pert head.
JEFF:
From the back.
PATRICK:
OK, there's one thing I don't get here.
STEVE:
What?
PATRICK:
You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?
JEFF:
Yeah.
PATRICK:
And you haven't had sex with her.
JEFF:
No.
PATRICK:
You see my problem?
STEVE:
Let me explain, Patrick.
Here, on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them, that we like to call conversation.
In Jeff's case, (???) to ten years.
PATRICK:
Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.
STEVE:
Well, do the women talk, too?
PATRICK:
Well, they must do.
JEFF:
Do you know what she's like?
It's as if you took Naomi Campbell and Jenny Agutter and mix them up in a big bowl with Davina McCall's bottom.
(???) any wonder I love her.
STEVE:
You don't love her.
PATRICK:
You haven't seen her bottom.
STEVE:
Yeah, you haven't… what?
PATRICK:
You haven't seen the woman on the train's bottom.
So, how do you know it's like Davina McCall's?
JEFF:
Ah! But I haven't seen Davina McCall's bottom either.
I added Davina's bottom to the Campbell/Agutter mix to lend an air of enigma.
PATRICK:
Davina does have an enigmatic bottom.
JEFF:
Is it lush? Is it pert?
PATRICK:
Mmmh! (The) mystery continues.
STEVE:
But you've only seen her leg and the back of her head.
You haven't even seen her face.
JEFF:
When you're in love, you can see past not seeing stuff.
STEVE:
No, no, you can't call it love yet.
Otherwise, what do you call it when… y-you ge-get to know the front of her head as well as you know the back?
PATRICK:
Breakfast?
SUSAN:
You've been seeing him two whole weeks?
That's broken your previous commitment record.
JANE:
Which was?
SUSAN:
Breakfast?
JANE:
Liam Bryson. It's a good name. I like it.
SUSAN:
And he's a doctor.
You get extra points for that.
JANE:
What kind of doctor?
SALLY:
A surgeon.
JANE:
Not a gynecologist?
SALLY:
No.
JANE:
I've always wanted to date a gynecologist.
I wanna know I'm special.
SALLY:
But is it love? Or just the other thing?
JANE:
Definitely love.
SALLY:
How do you know it's not just great sex?
JANE:
You're here.
SUSAN:
Maybe it's both. Tell us more.
SALLY:
Well, he's significantly taller than my last two boyfriends and he doesn't have a wife or a prison record.
SUSAN:
I'm so proud of you.
SALLY:
He's kind and considerate… but I still wanna have sex with him!
JANE:
What's he look like?
Oh, is that what's wrong with him?
SUSAN:
Oh…
SALLY:
As a matter of fact, he's gorgeous.
JANE:
How gorgeous?
SALLY:
OK, I don't want to have to say this. I didn't want to boast but… knitting pattern.
SUSAN and JANE:
Ah!
JANE:
Knitting pattern guy has come to life, qualified as a doctor, and asked you out?
(???) and he missed me by one woman.
SALLY:
You can put away your knitting needles.
He's out. And he's mine.
JANE:
Right.
So, what's wrong with him?
SALLY:
Nothing's wrong with him.
Nothing at all. He's wonderful.
Nothing, nothing, nothing!
SUSAN:
Good.
JANE:
Great.
SALLY:
Much.
JANE:
Ah!
SALLY:
It's not worth bothering you with.
SUSAN:
It's not a bother.
JANE:
We're your friends.
We want to know what's wrong with your handsome boyfriend.
SALLY:
It's just it's… it's just a stupid tiny insignificant little thing.
JANE:
Oh, that's the worst!
SALLY:
I was talking about the problem, Jane.
SUSAN:
So, come on! Does he pick his teeth? Does he drink too much?
JANE:
Does he move house without telling you?
That's the one I hate.
SALLY:
Why are you two so interested?
You guys are just jealous 'cause I've got someone.
SUSAN:
Ah, ah, ah… I've got someone, too.
Why would I be jealous?
JANE:
Yeah!
And I'm being stalked, actually.
So, I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.
SUSAN:
You're being stalked?
JANE:
Is that so hard to believe?
SALLY:
My god!
JANE:
Every day on my way home from work, a man follows me. It's true.
SUSAN:
Well, have you been to the police?
JANE:
They said I was just being silly and paranoid.
I heard them laughing after I left.
SUSAN:
Huh?
SALLY:
That's terrible.
SUSAN:
Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?
JANE:
Well, there's no point, is there?
I mean, it's never the same man twice.
Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home.
It's so well organized.
SUSAN:
OK, returning from planet Jane, (???) because I'm scared.
What's the problem with your boyfriend?
SALLY:
It's not a big problem.
Tiny little character flaw.
I can kinda forgive him for it.
But sometimes, I kinda can't, you know?
JANE:
Absolutely.
SALLY:
Been there.
JANE:
What does he do?
SALLY:
OK, sometimes… actually, all of the time and it's so irritating…
SUSAN:
What?
SALLY:
I can't stop criticizing him!
Honestly, he's driving me up a wall!
SUSAN:
Uh… if you're criticizing him… isn't that your fault?
SALLY:
Yeah, that's right. Take his side.
JANE:
Why do you criticize him?
SALLY:
He's a man.
He's a whole exciting buffet of unprovability.
I hardly know where to start… hair, clothes, his mother…
JANE:
You shouldn't try to change men because they don't like it.
SALLY:
Then what's the point in having one?
SUSAN:
Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into?
SALLY:
I'm going to do that. Of course, I'm going to do that.
SUSAN:
Good.
JANE:
So, when can we meet him?
SALLY:
When he's finished.
SUSAN:
OK, what about… er, next Tuesday? After work?
JANE:
That's fine by me.
SUSAN:
Steve's free. I'm sure we can get a hold of Patrick.
SALLY:
The boys will be there?
Liam can't meet that (lot???).
What if they talk about sex?
SUSAN:
What if?
SALLY:
What if Liam tells them about me?
I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed.
I'd have to kill them.
SUSAN:
All right. So, you're saying you've killed every man you've ever been to bed with?
JANE:
Oh… I thought they just stopped phoning.
WOMAN:
Sorry, sorry.
Oh, excuse me, is there room for me (there???)?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh, yeah.
Look, (????) seat back there. I'll move.
WOMAN:
Oh! Oh, no, you sure?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Yeah, there's (?????).
WOMAN:
Oh, thanks!
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh, sorry.
JEFF:
(OK, this is it Jeff. Look at her. Just look at her. You can do it!)
(Ohhhh, I was right! She's gorgeous!)
Sorry.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Something wrong?
JEFF:
No, no… nothing. Um…
(Say something sensible. Ssay something sensible.)
You… you look just like the back of your head.
No! I-I-I'm sorry. I-I mean… I… it's just… what I… mm…
RED SHOE WOMAN:
You all right?
JEFF:
I'm fine! I, yeah, I'm great, thanks… yeah.
It's just that I have always seen you sitting over there and I-and I could only see the back of your head.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh, OK.
JEFF:
But the front's just as good.
Better, in fact, because… you've got a face.
And-and I'm not just saying that.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Well, thanks.
JEFF:
And-and you've got a leg.
Uh…, yeah, I mean… another leg.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What?
JEFF:
(Don't panic! Keep it sensible. Concentrate.)
I'm just saying i-i-i-it's great to see your legs together for once.
Oh, oh! No, no! No, no, no, wh-what I-what I meant (???)… normally, I enjoy your legs separately.
Well, one of your legs… anyway.
I-It was sitting over there… with the rest of you, so… obviously… you'd know that.
But-but I ca-I could only see the left one.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
OK.
JEFF:
But, you know, eh… it's great to see them both here.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Well, that's good, huh?
JEFF:
I'm not saying I preferr them separately.
You know, they're better together. I can see that.
They're… well, they're like a leg team! Hahaha.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Good.
JEFF:
Believe me, I'm not (trying to???) part your legs.
No, no, uh-uh… not "part" in the sense of, you know, um… you know, I mean, I don' want to…
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What?
JEFF:
Amputate one.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
I'm sorry?
JEFF:
I'm not one of these… amputators.
(Amputators?)
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Amputators?
JEFF:
Yeah, in case you were worrying… I'm not… one.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What do you mean amputators?
JEFF:
Well…
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What are you talking about amputating for?
JEFF:
I'm sorry. It's just on my mind.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Why?
JEFF:
Well…
(Explain! Tell her you just got lost! Tell her the truth!)
Because…
(The truth! For once! Don't tell a stupid lie!)
I've got a wooden leg.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh. Oh, no. Really?
JEFF:
Yes, I had one of my legs amputated.
But never mind, eh?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
I'm so sorry.
Well, no wonder it's on your mind.
JEFF:
It's not a problem. Really!
Easy… easy come, easy go.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Which one?
JEFF:
I'm sorry?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Which leg did you have amputated?
JEFF:
Um…
(Think! Think! Why can't I think?)
S-sorry, it's just, it was such a long time ago.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What?
JEFF:
The left one. It was the left.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What was wrong with it?
JEFF:
Um… well, it wa… i…, it wa-it wai-it was… rubbish.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Rubbish?
JEFF:
I had a… um… leg… illness.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Why do you get so nervous?
Is it because of your leg?
JEFF:
Yeah, i-i-it's my leg's fault.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Are you scared of what people will think?
JEFF:
I… I'm-I… I'm always scared of what people will think.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Well, you wanna know what I think?
JEFF:
What?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
I have a little bit of experience with disability.
And I think… you're very, very brave.
SUSAN:
So, is Sally here yet? 'Cause she's gonna drop by with her new bloke.
STEVE:
What, the surgeon guy?
SUSAN:
Yeah.
PATRICK:
Sally's going out with a surgeon?
SUSAN:
Is that Jeff?
STEVE:
Of course it's Jeff.
SUSAN:
What do you mean "of course"?
He's with a woman! That's practically a disguise!
CHRISSY:
Well… this is nice.
JEFF:
It's brilliant!
CHRISSY:
Do you know what would be even nicer?
JEFF:
Well, um…
CHRISSY:
In case you haven't been counting, this is the third time we've been out.
JEFF:
Oh, right. Third time, eh?
CHRISSY:
Definitely.
JEFF:
I've been enjoying myself so much, it (doesn't???) feel like three times already.
Feels more like… twice.
CHRISSY:
Well, doesn't time fly?
And we're not even really enjoying ourselves yet.
JEFF:
Um… yeah.
Um, before we do any more enjoying, there's-there's something I ('d???) probably better mention.
CHRISSY:
Is this about your leg?
JEFF:
Yeah, it's pretty much about my leg.
CHRISSY:
Listen, I've told you, I keep on telling you, it doesn't bother me.
In fact, one of the first things that drew me to you was… you're someone who's had to be brave.
JEFF:
Oh, uh, it was… it was nothing.
CHRISSY:
Losing your leg was nothing?
JEFF:
Well, what's a leg?
There's plenty more legs in… the sea… of legs.
The leg sea.
That's not an actual place.
CHRISSY:
No.
You know what's sweet? You never tried to impress me.
You have no idea the kind of rubbish men say just to get me into bed.
JEFF:
Probably got a little bit of an idea.
CHRISSY:
The lies I've been told.
JEFF:
Lies… those are bad.
CHRISSY:
Oh! listen, I have to go and talk to someone, OK?
Mmm, stay hot!
STEVE:
So? She's gorgeous and you're definitely in.
What's the problem this time?
JEFF:
This is the worst one ever!
I… I… I can't even talk about it!
STEVE:
Jeff, Jeff.
I know about the… giggle loop, the sock gap, the… nudity buffer, and what you said to Audrey Watkins.
Believe me, there is nothing you can possibly say (???) surprise me!
What's gone wrong this time?
JEFF:
I've got too many legs.
SALLY:
Glad we chose that jacket.
(????) shoulders.
LIAM:
What's wrong with my shoulders?
JEFF:
You've got loppy shoulders.
And now they're symmetrical.
LIAM:
What?
JEFF:
Of course, now your head's a bit small.
Try to emphasize your head.
LIAM:
Oh, I've got a small head now.
SALLY:
I'm not saying it's small, Liam.
I'm just saying try to remind people it's there.
LIAM:
It's not small!
SALLY:
Of course, it isn't. It's discreet.
Which is lucky because it's the tiniest (???) center.
Now, remember, don't keep on about your work.
People don't want to hear all the gory details.
LIAM:
I know, I know.
SALLY:
And no sex talk with the boys.
LIAM:
You said four times.
Once with your foot on my neck.
STEVE:
So, on your first meeting with this woman, you… accidentally told her you have… ONE LEG.
JEFF:
It's perfect, isn't it?
This is the curse of Jeff Murdoch.
I meet the woman of my dreams and I can't take my trousers off!
STEVE:
Think you're gonna have to.
JEFF:
But what about my legs?
Well, she's bound to count them eventually.
SUSAN:
Steve.
STEVE:
Well, (???) any help, Sally's new boyfriend is a surgeon.
On the other hand, you could just tell her.
Think that might be better.
SALLY:
This is Steve. Steve, this is Liam.
STEVE:
Hi. Heard a lot about you.
LIAM:
Good to meet you.
JANE:
Alright, everybody! I'm getting so tired of this.
I'm being stalked again.
SUSAN:
And this is Jane. Try to remain calm.
JANE:
There was a guy sitting on a bench, reading a newspaper, and stalking me.
SUSAN:
Jane, how can you be stalked by someone who isn't moving, or in fact, looking at you?
JANE:
OK, maybe he was just ugly.
But that's bad, too.
Oh, hello!
LIAM:
Hi!
SALLY:
You two know each other?
JANE:
Of course!
Uh, is this your new boyfriend?
SALLY:
(Could I have a???) quick word with you, please?
JANE:
But…
SALLY:
(???).
JANE:
You said…
Buy you said your boyfriend was a surgeon.
SALLY:
He works in that general area, yes!
JANE:
He works in my street! He's a butcher!
SALLY:
He was demoted.
CHRISSY:
Jeff, I've got some people I want you to meet.
JEFF:
No. Chrissy, listen.
CHRISSY:
Oh, come on, it'll only take a minute.
JEFF:
Chrissy, please.
It's about my leg.
CHRISSY:
What about it?
JEFF:
I think it's… improving.
CHRISSY:
What are you on about?
Come on, I really want you to meet these people.
It's a surprise.
JEFF:
Chrissy, I need to explain something.
CHRISSY:
Explain in a minute.
David!
DAVID:
Hi! You must be Jeff.
CHRISSY:
This is David. He's my brother.
He's the best guy in the whole wide world and he's my absolute hero.
And he's come here tonight just to meet you.
JEFF:
Great, fantastic. Hi. Listen, I really need to talk to you.
CHRISSY:
Yeah, well, I especially wanted you to talk to him.
Tell him why, David.
JEFF:
Chrissy…
DAVID:
I lost a leg, too.
I lost my right leg in a car crash five years ago.
CHRISSY:
See, you remember when I told you I had experience with disability?
Well, this is him!
I know exactly what David's been through.
So, I know exactly what you've been through, too, Jeff.
Oh… you're my two brave boys.
JEFF:
Oh, I'm not really that brave.
CHRISSY:
I'm sorry, I should've told you about David before. I know.
JEFF:
Um…
CHRISSY:
I just didn't want you to feel, well…, pressured.
JEFF:
Listen, before this goes any further…
DAVID:
Hang on a moment, Jeff.
One more thing. Meet the guys!
DAVID'S FRIENDS:
Hi, Jeff.
DAVID:
This is (our???) little disability support group.
Er, we've got (???) we've got amputees, um, we've got that lot.
Um, normally we meet along the road but tonight… we wanted to come here… and meet you.
Chrissie told me you were having some problems.
JEFF:
Great.
DAVID:
Everybody, give a big welcome to Jeff… a brave, brave man.
SUSAN:
So, not a surgeon, then?
SALLY:
I didn't want to say he was a butcher.
People would make butcher jokes.
I don't want to be the (???) a lot of butcher jokes.
JANE:
What are butcher jokes?
SALLY:
I don't know. But I'm sure they're out there.
(???) talking about sex.
STEVE:
So, um, how did you meet Sally?
LIAM:
Uh, just at work.
STEVE:
At work?
LIAM:
She's one of my regulars.
STEVE:
Your regulars?
PATRICK:
It's not serious, is it?
LIAM:
Well, we're getting on pretty well I think.
STEVE:
Yeah, but Sally's all right?
LIAM:
Yeah, she's great.
STEVE:
Fine.
PATRICK:
Terrific.
LIAM:
Anyway, I thought to myself: "she looks nice. Let's put her straight to the front of the queue."
STEVE:
So, y-y-you really supposed to do that?
LIAM:
Who cares?
PATRICK:
So, love at first sight, then?
LIAM:
Well, almost first sight.
I had to sort her out first.
PATRICK:
What do you mean "sort her out" exactly?
STEVE:
Do you-do you mean it in your professional capacity?
LIAM:
Well, you know how it goes… a few choice cuts and you've got the woman of your dreams.
STEVE:
Really?
PATRICK:
That's handy.
STEVE:
Is it strictly ethical?
LIAM:
You've got to sort out your regulars.
You should send Susan along to me sometime.
STEVE:
What did you have in mind?
LIAM:
What do you mean?
PATRICK:
What's your speciality?
(???) I've got a new secretary.
I think she could do with some help.
LIAM:
Ah, definitely rump.
PATRICK:
Nice.
STEVE:
Good one.
SALLY:
They could be over there talking about sex. About me.
SUSAN:
Sally, you can't keep lying about your boyfriends.
SALLY:
But I can't end up with a butcher.
Have you seen butcher's wives? They're gigantic!
I'll develop a deep booming laugh and rows and rows of extra breasts.
I can't let that happen to me!
DAVID:
So, um, what kind of prosthetic do you have, Jeff?
JEFF:
Uh… um… I think it was a… footmatic.
CHRISSY:
Can I just borrow Mr. Sexy here for a moment?
DAVID:
Sure, yeah. A footmatic?
JEFF:
It's very new.
CHRISSY:
Listen, my flat mate's just got back. Jeanie.
Give her a wave.
She thinks you're cute, too.
Anyway, I've got to go home with her. She needs me to help her out with something.
Do you wanna come, too, or do you wanna stay and talk to your new friends?
Listen, I don't wanna sway you…, but this could be your lucky night.
JEFF:
Uh, well maybe we should just, um, take things a bit… slower.
Relationship-wise.
CHRISSY:
Oh, relationship-wise, yeah, we should take things very slow.
JEFF:
Good, yeah.
CHRISSY:
But let's get stuck right into the rampant sex, shall we? That's much easier!
JEFF:
Yeah, yeah, uh, obviously.
But, but… you need to help your flat mate, um, tonight.
CHRISSY:
Oh, no. Don't worry about that. She's the manager of a lingerie firm.
She just likes us to try out (???) new lines.
You know, we just prance around the flat all night in naughty underwear.
You're very welcome to come and watch. Would you like to?
JEFF:
Uh, well, I don't know, you know. Um…
CHRISSY:
I'll tell you what.
Here's the key to my flat.
Jeanie and I will head back now, and… if you want to, you can join us later.
We'll try not to start without you.
Jeff? Jeff, you crying?
JEFF:
No.
No, I'm just, I'm just really excited about all the underwear… rampant sex.
CHRISSY:
Oh, darling.
Starting tonight, that's gonna be your whole life.
JEFF:
You bastard! You evil, evil bastard!!!
Are you Sally's boyfriend?
LIAM:
Yes.
JEFF:
Do you do legs?
LIAM:
Well, yeah. Yeah.
JEFF:
How much for just the left one?
I'm serious, you'd be doing me a favor!
Take my leg!
STEVE:
OK. Just go and talk about this.
JEFF:
No, you don't understand, Steve!
I've got the key to the gates of paradise.
But I've got too many legs!
STEVE:
Sure we've all felt that way, some time or other.
PATRICK:
So, Sally, Liam's certainly been doing some lovely things to your bottom.
"The Man with Two Legs"
STEVE:
So, come on. What's she like?
JEFF:
Shapely.
PATRICK:
Shapely's good.
STEVE:
So, she's in the same train as you every morning, and she's shapely.
JEFF:
It's like (???) Andress and Pamela Anderson had a baby.
STEVE:
The words "long shot" somehow suggest themselves.
JEFF:
Premium shapely. Ttop level, quality shapely.
PATRICK:
Nothing wrong with shapely.
JEFF:
And long.
STEVE:
Long?
JEFF:
Usually with a red shoe.
STEVE:
So, long, shapely with a red shoe?
JEFF:
Yeah.
STEVE:
Jeff, are you describing a leg?
JEFF:
I've only seen her leg.
JEFF:
She gets on the train with a whole bunch of people and I never see her face.
And then she sits diagonally in front of me.
I can only see her leg.
STEVE:
You've fallen in love with just a leg?
JEFF:
It's a great leg.
You haven't seen this leg.
PATRICK:
Left or right?
STEVE:
What?
PATRICK:
It's a leg. What else is there to ask?
JEFF:
Left.
PATRICK:
Nice.
JEFF:
And brunette.
STEVE:
Brunette?
JEFF:
I saw the back of her head once.
PATRICK:
How was it?
JEFF:
Pert.
STEVE:
She has a pert head.
JEFF:
From the back.
PATRICK:
OK, there's one thing I don't get here.
STEVE:
What?
PATRICK:
You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?
JEFF:
Yeah.
PATRICK:
And you haven't had sex with her.
JEFF:
No.
PATRICK:
You see my problem?
STEVE:
Let me explain, Patrick.
Here, on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them, that we like to call conversation.
In Jeff's case, (???) to ten years.
PATRICK:
Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.
STEVE:
Well, do the women talk, too?
PATRICK:
Well, they must do.
JEFF:
Do you know what she's like?
It's as if you took Naomi Campbell and Jenny Agutter and mix them up in a big bowl with Davina McCall's bottom.
(???) any wonder I love her.
STEVE:
You don't love her.
PATRICK:
You haven't seen her bottom.
STEVE:
Yeah, you haven't… what?
PATRICK:
You haven't seen the woman on the train's bottom.
So, how do you know it's like Davina McCall's?
JEFF:
Ah! But I haven't seen Davina McCall's bottom either.
I added Davina's bottom to the Campbell/Agutter mix to lend an air of enigma.
PATRICK:
Davina does have an enigmatic bottom.
JEFF:
Is it lush? Is it pert?
PATRICK:
Mmmh! (The) mystery continues.
STEVE:
But you've only seen her leg and the back of her head.
You haven't even seen her face.
JEFF:
When you're in love, you can see past not seeing stuff.
STEVE:
No, no, you can't call it love yet.
Otherwise, what do you call it when… y-you ge-get to know the front of her head as well as you know the back?
PATRICK:
Breakfast?
SUSAN:
You've been seeing him two whole weeks?
That's broken your previous commitment record.
JANE:
Which was?
SUSAN:
Breakfast?
JANE:
Liam Bryson. It's a good name. I like it.
SUSAN:
And he's a doctor.
You get extra points for that.
JANE:
What kind of doctor?
SALLY:
A surgeon.
JANE:
Not a gynecologist?
SALLY:
No.
JANE:
I've always wanted to date a gynecologist.
I wanna know I'm special.
SALLY:
But is it love? Or just the other thing?
JANE:
Definitely love.
SALLY:
How do you know it's not just great sex?
JANE:
You're here.
SUSAN:
Maybe it's both. Tell us more.
SALLY:
Well, he's significantly taller than my last two boyfriends and he doesn't have a wife or a prison record.
SUSAN:
I'm so proud of you.
SALLY:
He's kind and considerate… but I still wanna have sex with him!
JANE:
What's he look like?
Oh, is that what's wrong with him?
SUSAN:
Oh…
SALLY:
As a matter of fact, he's gorgeous.
JANE:
How gorgeous?
SALLY:
OK, I don't want to have to say this. I didn't want to boast but… knitting pattern.
SUSAN and JANE:
Ah!
JANE:
Knitting pattern guy has come to life, qualified as a doctor, and asked you out?
(???) and he missed me by one woman.
SALLY:
You can put away your knitting needles.
He's out. And he's mine.
JANE:
Right.
So, what's wrong with him?
SALLY:
Nothing's wrong with him.
Nothing at all. He's wonderful.
Nothing, nothing, nothing!
SUSAN:
Good.
JANE:
Great.
SALLY:
Much.
JANE:
Ah!
SALLY:
It's not worth bothering you with.
SUSAN:
It's not a bother.
JANE:
We're your friends.
We want to know what's wrong with your handsome boyfriend.
SALLY:
It's just it's… it's just a stupid tiny insignificant little thing.
JANE:
Oh, that's the worst!
SALLY:
I was talking about the problem, Jane.
SUSAN:
So, come on! Does he pick his teeth? Does he drink too much?
JANE:
Does he move house without telling you?
That's the one I hate.
SALLY:
Why are you two so interested?
You guys are just jealous 'cause I've got someone.
SUSAN:
Ah, ah, ah… I've got someone, too.
Why would I be jealous?
JANE:
Yeah!
And I'm being stalked, actually.
So, I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.
SUSAN:
You're being stalked?
JANE:
Is that so hard to believe?
SALLY:
My god!
JANE:
Every day on my way home from work, a man follows me. It's true.
SUSAN:
Well, have you been to the police?
JANE:
They said I was just being silly and paranoid.
I heard them laughing after I left.
SUSAN:
Huh?
SALLY:
That's terrible.
SUSAN:
Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?
JANE:
Well, there's no point, is there?
I mean, it's never the same man twice.
Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home.
It's so well organized.
SUSAN:
OK, returning from planet Jane, (???) because I'm scared.
What's the problem with your boyfriend?
SALLY:
It's not a big problem.
Tiny little character flaw.
I can kinda forgive him for it.
But sometimes, I kinda can't, you know?
JANE:
Absolutely.
SALLY:
Been there.
JANE:
What does he do?
SALLY:
OK, sometimes… actually, all of the time and it's so irritating…
SUSAN:
What?
SALLY:
I can't stop criticizing him!
Honestly, he's driving me up a wall!
SUSAN:
Uh… if you're criticizing him… isn't that your fault?
SALLY:
Yeah, that's right. Take his side.
JANE:
Why do you criticize him?
SALLY:
He's a man.
He's a whole exciting buffet of unprovability.
I hardly know where to start… hair, clothes, his mother…
JANE:
You shouldn't try to change men because they don't like it.
SALLY:
Then what's the point in having one?
SUSAN:
Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into?
SALLY:
I'm going to do that. Of course, I'm going to do that.
SUSAN:
Good.
JANE:
So, when can we meet him?
SALLY:
When he's finished.
SUSAN:
OK, what about… er, next Tuesday? After work?
JANE:
That's fine by me.
SUSAN:
Steve's free. I'm sure we can get a hold of Patrick.
SALLY:
The boys will be there?
Liam can't meet that (lot???).
What if they talk about sex?
SUSAN:
What if?
SALLY:
What if Liam tells them about me?
I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed.
I'd have to kill them.
SUSAN:
All right. So, you're saying you've killed every man you've ever been to bed with?
JANE:
Oh… I thought they just stopped phoning.
WOMAN:
Sorry, sorry.
Oh, excuse me, is there room for me (there???)?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh, yeah.
Look, (????) seat back there. I'll move.
WOMAN:
Oh! Oh, no, you sure?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Yeah, there's (?????).
WOMAN:
Oh, thanks!
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh, sorry.
JEFF:
(OK, this is it Jeff. Look at her. Just look at her. You can do it!)
(Ohhhh, I was right! She's gorgeous!)
Sorry.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Something wrong?
JEFF:
No, no… nothing. Um…
(Say something sensible. Ssay something sensible.)
You… you look just like the back of your head.
No! I-I-I'm sorry. I-I mean… I… it's just… what I… mm…
RED SHOE WOMAN:
You all right?
JEFF:
I'm fine! I, yeah, I'm great, thanks… yeah.
It's just that I have always seen you sitting over there and I-and I could only see the back of your head.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh, OK.
JEFF:
But the front's just as good.
Better, in fact, because… you've got a face.
And-and I'm not just saying that.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Well, thanks.
JEFF:
And-and you've got a leg.
Uh…, yeah, I mean… another leg.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What?
JEFF:
(Don't panic! Keep it sensible. Concentrate.)
I'm just saying i-i-i-it's great to see your legs together for once.
Oh, oh! No, no! No, no, no, wh-what I-what I meant (???)… normally, I enjoy your legs separately.
Well, one of your legs… anyway.
I-It was sitting over there… with the rest of you, so… obviously… you'd know that.
But-but I ca-I could only see the left one.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
OK.
JEFF:
But, you know, eh… it's great to see them both here.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Well, that's good, huh?
JEFF:
I'm not saying I preferr them separately.
You know, they're better together. I can see that.
They're… well, they're like a leg team! Hahaha.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Good.
JEFF:
Believe me, I'm not (trying to???) part your legs.
No, no, uh-uh… not "part" in the sense of, you know, um… you know, I mean, I don' want to…
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What?
JEFF:
Amputate one.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
I'm sorry?
JEFF:
I'm not one of these… amputators.
(Amputators?)
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Amputators?
JEFF:
Yeah, in case you were worrying… I'm not… one.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What do you mean amputators?
JEFF:
Well…
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What are you talking about amputating for?
JEFF:
I'm sorry. It's just on my mind.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Why?
JEFF:
Well…
(Explain! Tell her you just got lost! Tell her the truth!)
Because…
(The truth! For once! Don't tell a stupid lie!)
I've got a wooden leg.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Oh. Oh, no. Really?
JEFF:
Yes, I had one of my legs amputated.
But never mind, eh?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
I'm so sorry.
Well, no wonder it's on your mind.
JEFF:
It's not a problem. Really!
Easy… easy come, easy go.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Which one?
JEFF:
I'm sorry?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Which leg did you have amputated?
JEFF:
Um…
(Think! Think! Why can't I think?)
S-sorry, it's just, it was such a long time ago.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What?
JEFF:
The left one. It was the left.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
What was wrong with it?
JEFF:
Um… well, it wa… i…, it wa-it wai-it was… rubbish.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Rubbish?
JEFF:
I had a… um… leg… illness.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Why do you get so nervous?
Is it because of your leg?
JEFF:
Yeah, i-i-it's my leg's fault.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Are you scared of what people will think?
JEFF:
I… I'm-I… I'm always scared of what people will think.
RED SHOE WOMAN:
Well, you wanna know what I think?
JEFF:
What?
RED SHOE WOMAN:
I have a little bit of experience with disability.
And I think… you're very, very brave.
JEFF:
Oh, good.
SUSAN:
Hi, darling. Sorry I'm late.
PATRICK:
Davina McCall's ass… pert or lush?
STEVE:
Or, to put it another way… "hello!"
SUSAN:
So, is Sally here yet? 'Cause she's gonna drop by with her new bloke.
STEVE:
What, the surgeon guy?
SUSAN:
Yeah.
PATRICK:
Sally's going out with a surgeon?
SUSAN:
Is that Jeff?
STEVE:
Of course it's Jeff.
SUSAN:
What do you mean "of course"?
He's with a woman! That's practically a disguise!
CHRISSY:
Well… this is nice.
JEFF:
It's brilliant!
CHRISSY:
Do you know what would be even nicer?
JEFF:
Well, um…
CHRISSY:
In case you haven't been counting, this is the third time we've been out.
JEFF:
Oh, right. Third time, eh?
CHRISSY:
Definitely.
JEFF:
I've been enjoying myself so much, it (doesn't???) feel like three times already.
Feels more like… twice.
CHRISSY:
Well, doesn't time fly?
And we're not even really enjoying ourselves yet.
JEFF:
Um… yeah.
Um, before we do any more enjoying, there's-there's something I ('d???) probably better mention.
CHRISSY:
Is this about your leg?
JEFF:
Yeah, it's pretty much about my leg.
CHRISSY:
Listen, I've told you, I keep on telling you, it doesn't bother me.
In fact, one of the first things that drew me to you was… you're someone who's had to be brave.
JEFF:
Oh, uh, it was… it was nothing.
CHRISSY:
Losing your leg was nothing?
JEFF:
Well, what's a leg?
There's plenty more legs in… the sea… of legs.
The leg sea.
That's not an actual place.
CHRISSY:
No.
You know what's sweet? You never tried to impress me.
You have no idea the kind of rubbish men say just to get me into bed.
JEFF:
Probably got a little bit of an idea.
CHRISSY:
The lies I've been told.
JEFF:
Lies… those are bad.
CHRISSY:
Oh! listen, I have to go and talk to someone, OK?
Mmm, stay hot!
STEVE:
So? She's gorgeous and you're definitely in.
What's the problem this time?
JEFF:
This is the worst one ever!
I… I… I can't even talk about it!
STEVE:
Jeff, Jeff.
I know about the… giggle loop, the sock gap, the… nudity buffer, and what you said to Audrey Watkins.
Believe me, there is nothing you can possibly say (???) surprise me!
What's gone wrong this time?
JEFF:
I've got too many legs.
SALLY:
Glad we chose that jacket.
(????) shoulders.
LIAM:
What's wrong with my shoulders?
JEFF:
You've got loppy shoulders.
And now they're symmetrical.
LIAM:
What?
JEFF:
Of course, now your head's a bit small.
Try to emphasize your head.
LIAM:
Oh, I've got a small head now.
SALLY:
I'm not saying it's small, Liam.
I'm just saying try to remind people it's there.
LIAM:
It's not small!
SALLY:
Of course, it isn't. It's discreet.
Which is lucky because it's the tiniest (???) center.
Now, remember, don't keep on about your work.
People don't want to hear all the gory details.
LIAM:
I know, I know.
SALLY:
And no sex talk with the boys.
LIAM:
You said four times.
Once with your foot on my neck.
STEVE:
So, on your first meeting with this woman, you… accidentally told her you have… ONE LEG.
JEFF:
It's perfect, isn't it?
This is the curse of Jeff Murdoch.
I meet the woman of my dreams and I can't take my trousers off!
STEVE:
Think you're gonna have to.
JEFF:
But what about my legs?
Well, she's bound to count them eventually.
SUSAN:
Steve.
STEVE:
Well, (???) any help, Sally's new boyfriend is a surgeon.
On the other hand, you could just tell her.
Think that might be better.
SALLY:
This is Steve. Steve, this is Liam.
STEVE:
Hi. Heard a lot about you.
LIAM:
Good to meet you.
JANE:
Alright, everybody! I'm getting so tired of this.
I'm being stalked again.
SUSAN:
And this is Jane. Try to remain calm.
JANE:
There was a guy sitting on a bench, reading a newspaper, and stalking me.
SUSAN:
Jane, how can you be stalked by someone who isn't moving, or in fact, looking at you?
JANE:
OK, maybe he was just ugly.
But that's bad, too.
Oh, hello!
LIAM:
Hi!
SALLY:
You two know each other?
JANE:
Of course!
Uh, is this your new boyfriend?
SALLY:
(Could I have a???) quick word with you, please?
JANE:
But…
SALLY:
(???).
JANE:
You said…
Buy you said your boyfriend was a surgeon.
SALLY:
He works in that general area, yes!
JANE:
He works in my street! He's a butcher!
SALLY:
He was demoted.
CHRISSY:
Jeff, I've got some people I want you to meet.
JEFF:
No. Chrissy, listen.
CHRISSY:
Oh, come on, it'll only take a minute.
JEFF:
Chrissy, please.
It's about my leg.
CHRISSY:
What about it?
JEFF:
I think it's… improving.
CHRISSY:
What are you on about?
Come on, I really want you to meet these people.
It's a surprise.
JEFF:
Chrissy, I need to explain something.
CHRISSY:
Explain in a minute.
David!
DAVID:
Hi! You must be Jeff.
CHRISSY:
This is David. He's my brother.
He's the best guy in the whole wide world and he's my absolute hero.
And he's come here tonight just to meet you.
JEFF:
Great, fantastic. Hi. Listen, I really need to talk to you.
CHRISSY:
Yeah, well, I especially wanted you to talk to him.
Tell him why, David.
JEFF:
Chrissy…
DAVID:
I lost a leg, too.
I lost my right leg in a car crash five years ago.
CHRISSY:
See, you remember when I told you I had experience with disability?
Well, this is him!
I know exactly what David's been through.
So, I know exactly what you've been through, too, Jeff.
Oh… you're my two brave boys.
JEFF:
Oh, I'm not really that brave.
CHRISSY:
I'm sorry, I should've told you about David before. I know.
JEFF:
Um…
CHRISSY:
I just didn't want you to feel, well…, pressured.
JEFF:
Listen, before this goes any further…
DAVID:
Hang on a moment, Jeff.
One more thing. Meet the guys!
DAVID'S FRIENDS:
Hi, Jeff.
DAVID:
This is (our???) little disability support group.
Er, we've got (???) we've got amputees, um, we've got that lot.
Um, normally we meet along the road but tonight… we wanted to come here… and meet you.
Chrissie told me you were having some problems.
JEFF:
Great.
DAVID:
Everybody, give a big welcome to Jeff… a brave, brave man.
SUSAN:
So, not a surgeon, then?
SALLY:
I didn't want to say he was a butcher.
People would make butcher jokes.
I don't want to be the (???) a lot of butcher jokes.
JANE:
What are butcher jokes?
SALLY:
I don't know. But I'm sure they're out there.
(???) talking about sex.
STEVE:
So, um, how did you meet Sally?
LIAM:
Uh, just at work.
STEVE:
At work?
LIAM:
She's one of my regulars.
STEVE:
Your regulars?
PATRICK:
It's not serious, is it?
LIAM:
Well, we're getting on pretty well I think.
STEVE:
Yeah, but Sally's all right?
LIAM:
Yeah, she's great.
STEVE:
Fine.
PATRICK:
Terrific.
LIAM:
Anyway, I thought to myself: "she looks nice. Let's put her straight to the front of the queue."
STEVE:
So, y-y-you really supposed to do that?
LIAM:
Who cares?
PATRICK:
So, love at first sight, then?
LIAM:
Well, almost first sight.
I had to sort her out first.
PATRICK:
What do you mean "sort her out" exactly?
STEVE:
Do you-do you mean it in your professional capacity?
LIAM:
Well, you know how it goes… a few choice cuts and you've got the woman of your dreams.
STEVE:
Really?
PATRICK:
That's handy.
STEVE:
Is it strictly ethical?
LIAM:
You've got to sort out your regulars.
You should send Susan along to me sometime.
STEVE:
What did you have in mind?
LIAM:
What do you mean?
PATRICK:
What's your speciality?
(???) I've got a new secretary.
I think she could do with some help.
LIAM:
Ah, definitely rump.
PATRICK:
Nice.
STEVE:
Good one.
SALLY:
They could be over there talking about sex. About me.
SUSAN:
Sally, you can't keep lying about your boyfriends.
SALLY:
But I can't end up with a butcher.
Have you seen butcher's wives? They're gigantic!
I'll develop a deep booming laugh and rows and rows of extra breasts.
I can't let that happen to me!
DAVID:
So, um, what kind of prosthetic do you have, Jeff?
JEFF:
Uh… um… I think it was a… footmatic.
CHRISSY:
Can I just borrow Mr. Sexy here for a moment?
DAVID:
Sure, yeah. A footmatic?
JEFF:
It's very new.
CHRISSY:
Listen, my flat mate's just got back. Jeanie.
Give her a wave.
She thinks you're cute, too.
Anyway, I've got to go home with her. She needs me to help her out with something.
Do you wanna come, too, or do you wanna stay and talk to your new friends?
Listen, I don't wanna sway you…, but this could be your lucky night.
JEFF:
Uh, well maybe we should just, um, take things a bit… slower.
Relationship-wise.
CHRISSY:
Oh, relationship-wise, yeah, we should take things very slow.
JEFF:
Good, yeah.
CHRISSY:
But let's get stuck right into the rampant sex, shall we? That's much easier!
JEFF:
Yeah, yeah, uh, obviously.
But, but… you need to help your flat mate, um, tonight.
CHRISSY:
Oh, no. Don't worry about that. She's the manager of a lingerie firm.
She just likes us to try out (???) new lines.
You know, we just prance around the flat all night in naughty underwear.
You're very welcome to come and watch. Would you like to?
JEFF:
Uh, well, I don't know, you know. Um…
CHRISSY:
I'll tell you what.
Here's the key to my flat.
Jeanie and I will head back now, and… if you want to, you can join us later.
We'll try not to start without you.
Jeff? Jeff, you crying?
JEFF:
No.
No, I'm just, I'm just really excited about all the underwear… rampant sex.
CHRISSY:
Oh, darling.
Starting tonight, that's gonna be your whole life.
JEFF:
You bastard! You evil, evil bastard!!!
Are you Sally's boyfriend?
LIAM:
Yes.
JEFF:
Do you do legs?
LIAM:
Well, yeah. Yeah.
JEFF:
How much for just the left one?
I'm serious, you'd be doing me a favor!
Take my leg!
STEVE:
OK. Just go and talk about this.
JEFF:
No, you don't understand, Steve!
I've got the key to the gates of paradise.
But I've got too many legs!
STEVE:
Sure we've all felt that way, some time or other.
PATRICK:
So, Sally, Liam's certainly been doing some lovely things to your bottom.