The Appetite Before Christmas
(also known as “A Visit From the Angel”)
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
was in chaos as we prepared food for my spouse.
Her body was bloated and pale and bare
and popcorn and Cheetos were strewn through her hair.
The children rushed fearful about her foul bed
as their fat mother swore “MORE MORE MORE” to be fed.
Mama howled, starving, as her hunger did wake,
demanding French fries and bacon and cake.
Then out on the drive there arose such a clatter,
“GET MY FOOD” my wife ordered as she chugged pancake batter.
So away to the front door I flew like a flash,
wading my way through great piles of trash
while outside delivery boys fought through the storm
to bring feasts to my wife, inside nice and warm.
She drooled and moaned as her breakfast drew near
but before long the great course had all disappeared!
She devoured each speck, oh so lively and quick,
all gone in a moment, every morsel and lick.
For hours and hours she ate without shame,
then, still starving hungry, she screamed out my name!
"Now, pasta, and Subway! McDonalds! Fried cheese!
And pizza and Dairy Queen and Chinese!"
Her lips were a flood, her stomach a squall,
"Bring me fifty dinners, and I'll eat them all!"
She bemoaned her hunger through mouthfuls of fries,
“I’m staving to DEATH” and she started to cry.
So off to the kitchens our children they flew,
to fetch their obese queen breakfast number two.
She ate through the night and beyond the sunrise,
when that Christmas morning brought quite the surprise!
For who’d come to visit? That jolly old elf?
Santa? No! Satan! The devil himself!
Sin incarnate from his hooves to his horns,
“Merry X-mas!” he sang, “for the Antichrist's born!”
Her greed and her cruelty (so he said to my wife)
helped “incubate evil and bring death to life.”
“Hey, yeah” mused my love, glugging back clotted cream,
“I remember that now, I had thought it a dream.”
He kissed her sweet face, her limp arms and fat belly,
as she giggled her gut shook like bowlfuls of jelly!
Then she spoke not a word but went straight to her work
and when she was done gave a mischievous smirk.
Arose did the demon to which she'd given birth,
her unholy womb had unleashed Hell on Earth.
So they conquered the world, burnt beneath a black sun,
and the human race fell like the stars, one by one.
My wife the fat fascist, a great greedy leader.
Man, woman and child, all live now to feed her.
She feasts upon creatures and partakes of people,
our Princess of sin, our Empress of evil.
Now my love yells aloud, guzzling gallons of Sprite,
“Merry Christmas to me, Mommy’s hungry tonight!”