Ei, cusão! Tu sabes o que carrega mais rápido do que sua bloatada, complicada gambiarra? Simples e autêntico HTML. E você sabe o que não vai quebrar toda fodendo Terça-feira? HTML que funciona! Por que caralhos você está dificultando as coisas, seu porco masoquista? Você age como se estivesse a fazer a próxima viagem lunar quando tudo que precisa é um botão com um texto.
Surpresa! A web estava bem tranquila antes dos seus frameworks bloteados saírem dos quintos dos infernos. Você está gastando 10 mil contos em frameworks modinha como se fosse uma "porta coisas" do Gucci, só para carregar as mesmas porcarias que você poderia carregar numa sacola plástica de 1995. Por que você está patinando por aí enquanto HTML está pronto para partir desde o início da Internet?
Você está zoando com a minha cara! Você sabe como mostrar um botão numa tela sem ajuda das mamadas modernas? Aqui, seu merda, vou te mostrar:
Tatue esse código na testa para se lembrar quando olhar sua cara feia no espelho:
Ah mas você notou algo de cima do seu cavalinho? Essa porra de HTML é o papa-léguas da internet, ele corre rapidinho sem plugins ou atualizações necessárias. O seu framework precioso se afunda na própria lama da sua hype e torna-se obsoleto antes de terminar o tutorial, enquanto esse botão continua funcionando feito rei. Estava lá desde quando era tudo mato e ainda estará lá quando seu stack for uma nota de rodapé empoeirada na commit history dum cusão.
Não consegue deixar bonito o seu HTML? Enfia isso no rego, lero-lero:
Porquê é bonito:
Sério, o que mais você precisa, seu mesquinho? Um troféu de participação por usar um framework que faz exatamente o que HTML faz? Talvez uma estrelinha por complicar o que HTML faz por décadas? Esquece, maluco. HTML funciona e não precisa das suas merdas para funcionar.
AI está aí! Um presente dos deuses (ou ao mínimo da fortaleza nerdola do Sam Altman) pronto para escrever seu website de tarefas em segundos. AI consegue produzir HTMLs perfeitos, debugar suas cagadas e provavelmente limpa-las do seu traseiro, se pedir, talvez. Mas não! Você continua a empurrar os seus frameworks como se fossem os botes salva-vidas do Titanic. Qual é o seu problema? Você está viciado em 10.000 dependências e um processo de build que dura mais que seu/sua ex?
A tropa do Sam Altman dá risada com suas bolas de silício enquanto você mergulha de cabeça na DOMerda Virtual do React, rezando que seu app não se engasgue no próprio corpo. Isso não é progresso, é uma tragédia. É uma fodendo tragédia You've got a shiny new Ferrari in your garage, and you're still riding a rusty tricycle with a flat tire. Grow the fuck up.
Listen up, dipshit. Every-fucking-body knows HTML. Your dearly great grandma?
She was out there in the goddamn trenches of World War 2, dodging Nazi bullets
while hand-coding
What in the ever-loving fuck is a hydration error? Sounds like some hipster bullshit a barista would spew when your overpriced oat milk latte isn't wet enough. "Oh, my bad, bro, your coffee's got a hydration error". Get the fuck outta here. And "tree shaking"? Are you kidding me? What is this, a coding bootcamp or a lumberjack convention? "Yeah, boss, I spent all day shaking trees to trim my JavaScript bundle. Where's my flannel shirt?". Who the hell invents this pretentious crap? I don't have time to decode your buzzword salad, you self-important jackass. HTML doesn't pull this nonsense. It just fucking works.
Ever seen some motherfucker hire a whole team just to babysit HTML? That's fucking right. Nobody does that bullshit. HTML is so damn reliable it doesn't need a 24/7 support hotline like some needy-ass framework. While your bloated, over-engineered frameworks are out there throwing tantrums every time a browser updates or crying for patches every five minutes, HTML just sits back, cracks a beer, and does its goddamn job. So next time some slick salesman tries to shove "premium HTML support" down your throat, tell them to fuck off.
Deploying HTML? That's easier than deleting your browser history after a porn binge. Just throw your files into a web server directory, and boom. The whole fucking internet can see your crappy page. No 12-step deployment process, no DevOps wizards casting spells, no fucking Docker containers or CI/CD pipelines. Just drag, drop, and you're done. Meanwhile, your fancy frameworks need a goddamn NASA launch sequence just to push a button that says "Hello, World". HTML doesn't give a shit about your trendy deployment tools. It's the dive bar of the web: always open, no frills, just works. Your framework? The hipster café that"s "temporarily closed" every time you need it.
All you need is fucking brains. Every year, yet another steaming pile of shit gets released: blazingly fast frameworks that are two farts ahead of the previous "groundbreaking" crap. Some call it progress. More rounded corners, more colorful colors, and one more thing to learn.
*Fuck that*
Just fucking use HTML. I shit you not, it actually looks good:
Oh, and abbreviations? HTML. Go ahead, find your dirty trackpad behind the slice of pizza and hover over this motherfucker.
Perfect for screaming your main points at the top of your lungs, like "FUCK FRAMEWORKS!"
Still loud enough to tell your subpoints to sit down and shut up.
For when you need to whisper some passive-aggressive bullshit.
Small, but not small enough to ignore, like that fucking bug in your framework that haunts your every commit.
Unless you're writing the fine print for your soul-selling terms of service.
See? HTML's got hierarchy, style, and your framework's out here trying to reinvent the wheel, but HTML already built the goddamn car, you overcomplicating prick.
Think you need your precious JavaScript for interactivity? Wrong, you clueless fuck. HTML's got expandable sections baked in:
Fucking boo, motherfucker 👻
And popovers? Yeah, native, no framework bloat. Eat this:
Still not impressed? Fine, fine. Toss in a pinch of inline JS (right in the HTML, you purist twat) and you've got native dialogs. Pay close attention: no build steps, no frameworks, just raw power.
*This form is powered real, raw HTML. No frameworks were harmed, because they're useless anyway.*
So, what's your excuse now, huh? Still clinging to your trendy frameworks like a scared little bitch? HTML's like that crusty old barstool that's seen every fight and still holds your drunk ass up, no questions asked. Frameworks are the flimsy plastic chairs that snap the second you lean back too hard: overengineered bullshit that collapses under its own weight. HTML doesn't need your pity or your goddamn fanfare. It's too busy being the spine of every site you've ever clicked on, you ungrateful prick. So keep jerking off to your latest tech fad. HTML's over here, sipping whiskey, ready to outlast your entire career.
Oh, here comes the genius motherfucker with the big-brain counterargument: "Well, if HTML's so great, why not just write everything in Assembly, huh?". Wow, look at you, you clever little prick. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Writing web pages in Assembly is like using a fucking scalpel to slice your overcooked steak: sure, it'll get the job done, but you're gonna look like a complete asshole while you're at it. HTML just works, you absolute tool. It's been the backbone of the web since Al Gore flipped the switch, and it'll still be here long after your trendy framework is rotting in a GitHub graveyard. So take your smartass logic and shove it. HTML's king, and you're just a peasant with a keyboard.
Did you know that when you slap an id on your HTML element, HTML doesn't just sit there like a lazy fuck. It actually creates a fucking variable in JavaScript for you? Yeah, you heard me, you clueless bastard. You don't even have to lift a finger. HTML's out here doing the heavy lifting while your JS is still trying to figure out how to tie its shoes.
Now go try it, open the console and type "i_am_doofus". Boom! There it is, you ungrateful shit. HTML just handed you a variable on a silver platter, and you didn't even have to beg for it. This is basic shit, and if you didn't know this, congrats. You're officially dumber than a bag of rocks.
This is HTML flexing its muscles, showing you it's not just some static bitch. It's dynamic, it's powerful, and it's been carrying your sorry ass since day one. Meanwhile, your JS is out here acting like it's the star of the show, when really, it's just riding HTML's coattails like a cheap date.
So next time you're jerking off to your fancy JS frameworks, remember: HTML's the one doing the real work, and it's laughing at your overcomplicated bullshit.
It's the kind of page that makes you want to weep tears of joy and throw your overpriced JavaScript framework out the window. It's the kind of page that makes you want to quit your job and become a full-time HTML evangelist. It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a cult dedicated to the worship of HTML. It's the kind of page that makes you want to write a love letter to HTML and send it to the HTML gods. It's the kind of page that makes you want to build a shrine to HTML in your living room and invite all your friends over for a candlelit HTML worship session. It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a YouTube channel dedicated to HTML tutorials and rants. It's the kind of page that makes you want to write a book about HTML and self-publish it on Amazon. It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a TikTok account dedicated to HTML and post daily HTML dance videos. It's the kind of page that makes you want to start a LinkedIn account dedicated to HTML and connect with other HTML professionals.
— Just Fucking Use HTML