Victoria Coren adventures

Victoria Coren sat at her desk, reading her pre-scripted jokes whilst
drinking a pint of Gin. It was her seventh one so far and she was not
even drunk because of what an alcoholic she always says she is? She
adjusted the poker in her pants (that is a pun because she likes the
card game poker, but also because in this story she has a penis) which
was getting uncomfortably horny because stilted humour always got her
rock hard. "Oh you crossworders, i'll bet we're going to have some
CROSS WORDS later when you see how hard the questions are in this show
later because they are very hard" she muttered to herself whilst
massaging her fat cockhead.
Suddenly she pooped everywhere uncontrollably and had to stand up.
"Shit!" she exclaimed "i've just shat all over myself. I don't even
know how that happened". Suddenly Alex Guttenplan from off of
university challenge appeared from under the table where he had been
sucking on Ms Coren's toes (shut up i know she is married). "Don't
worry baby" he said, and took a victory sip of his water, "i've got
you covered" and licked his lips salaciously. "Yes, that is the the
problem, the problem is that i am covered. Covered in arse filth" said
the golden haired shemale beauty, stripping out of her turd caked
panties and trousers or skirt, maybe both, you don't really see the
lower half of her body much so I don't know which is more usual for
her.  "Yes" said Alex Guttenplan in that beautifully autistic voice
for which he was renowned and loved in heat magazine "but when i said
i had you covered i was being figurative to imply that i am going to
lick it off... sexily. You know you're really being a bit autistic
which is kind of my thing, you're making me want to take a break from
all this excitement and go and turn the lights on and off repeatedly
or count coloured marbles so i'd like it if you just acted normally
for a bit thanks". "ok" she said, forgetting what he'd said at the
beginning of that annoyingly long sentence and just wanting him to
shut up. She bent over, distended poopy anus turned upwards towards
Guttenplan's pale, perfectly cheekboneed, alabaster face.
Then he noshed the poop right off her botty, i don't really want to
write that much more because it is kind of gross but i will just say
that he definitely ate all of her shit and if you like scat you would
have loved it. "Ok" he said, now i've got you ready lets bang... or
should i say "what is the connection between my cock and your ass?".
"A condom?" Vicky-Wicky suggested in a querying voice with an upgoing
inflection. "Yes, because i strongly believe in safe sex. It's the
only way to prevent transmission of potentially fatal STIs like
HIV/AIDS and syphilis which is actually dramatically increasing in
prevalence in places like london where people are promiscuous and
don't realise that it's not extinct (although actually don't worry
super-much if you get it because it is very easily treated and the
nature of the spirochaete organism is such that it will never ever
become resistant to penicillin which is really cool). Stay in school
kids". He said this all directly into a camera even though you are not
really supposed to do that on TV because it looks like you are looking
directly at the viewer and producers say it unsettles people... but
part of the reason queen victoria, countess of cocks, liked him is
because he was such a bad boy. Whilst he was talking he had been
lubing up his considerable cock, which was standing proud from his
shaven crotch (he strikes me as the kind of guy who shaves, you know,
sort of clean-living but kinky). His cock was about 2 feet long and
made entirely from emerald. He slipped a condom for horses onto it as
Victory at Sea Coren turned back to look at him biting her lip in a
coquetteish way. "Is that all going to fit big boy?". "i'll make it
fit", came his curt reply "also don't worry, the rectum and colon are
quite stretchy".
"All right Gutten-chan, fuck me, fuck me right up against this
connecting wall", and so he did. As he pounded her rapidly expanding
anal ring he used such force that she couldn't keep her head from
bumping against the electronic touchpad lectern thing that controlled
the connecting wall. Random items kept being paired up as groups of
four and being rejected. Trench-foot, Alligator, Ben Nevis, Prince
Albert *bzzt*, "sorry, not a group" muttered Victoria of the Corens
under her breath. Nobellium, Cancer, Jacob's Ladder, Woad *Bzzt*
"sorry, not a group" she intoned quietly. Guttenplan was getting so
tired of her stupid fucking belittling when she obviously didn't know
the answers either. "Alright bitch, stop that, everyone knows you're
not as clever as you pretend to be you're just like fucking Paxman.
It's ok to be the presenter of an erudite quiz show without knowing
the answers. The more you pull this kind of shit the more you just
come across like that faggot cunt from QI, like i'm sorry stephen but
you probably only have an english degree, Classics at best. No-one
except for really thick people think you really know all those things
and are those really the people you want to impress? just know what
you know and be happy with it". "I'm Sorry Lexy-G, i can't stop! It's
classical conditioning, that is my response to that stimulus". "well
that is kind of hot imagining that you are a Pavlov's Dog that i am
sticking my man-meat up. Bark for me, you naughty puppy". "Look that
is really sexy and all but - *bzzt* - sorry not a group". "Goddamit!"
Guttenplan spluttered, "if you keep doing that it is going to make it
really hard for me to spunk. Right i am just going to have to fuck you
so hard you can't talk!!!!".
 Thrust thrust thrust, he was pounding her so hard her tits were
flopping all everywhere, hitting her in the face. "ooooooh, aaaaaah,
Uuuuuungh" she moaned. "well that is where the vowels are from the
missing vowels round are" he quipped emotionlessly. Suddenly Charlie
Burst into the studio "I'm Charlie Brooker and this is AdulteryWipe,
all about cheating bitches who are cheating on their husbands now" he
shouted with a frowny face brandishing a shotgun! "Wait a minute, that
is not my wife, my wife is Connie Huq, i don't even know how anyone
got her and Victoria Corenius muddled up, they're not even the same
colour". He left and then David Mitchell who is actually married to
Victionary Corner came in looking mildly annoyed and surprised. "Look,
i know this is probably all for something terribly clever like a
fanfiction or something, but i really don't know what to make of this
and it's making me quite uncomfortable" he said in his nasal
irritating voice (although i like him actually and he is quite funny a
lot of the time). "OMG it's david mitchell!" said Goodplan (which is
what Guttenplan means in english). "Can i have your autograph" he
squealed roughly pulling out of Victor Victoria's Vagina pouring spunk
and pussy juice everywhere. "well i suppose so, but if it's all the
same to you i'd be quite happy if you stopped having sex with my
wife". And so he did, but it was all still really awkward.

THE END!!!?