Here's your dark ale!
Of course! Two servings of serpent sticks for table two!
Yet another day passes with no new review.
Have to admit, I'm a little disappointed.
Feels like my boys have gone and blue-balled me for real.
Where should we go tonight?
Fairy Nectar and the Milk Farm are good and all, but we just went to both of them last week.
Hmm... Then how about we try that "Demon Hole"?
Come to think of it, I haven't seen the Pervs around here for a while.
I wonder why?
They're off working a special quest, apparently.
Oh, yeah, I forgot they were actual adventurers.
Nice to have some peace and quiet, though!
What up, Count Delivel?
It's been like, thirty years, huh?
Anyhow, we got got that new casket you ordered,
plus some art we thought you'd like.
You come with different traveling companions every time, it seems.
Just one of the downsides of livin' so much longer than everyone else.
Forget that, though. Ever considered building a castle a little closer to civilization?
Living far from civilization makes it easier to sleep for decades at a time.
Right, our job here is done.
Okay, let's head straight to a succu-girl joint!
It took us nine whole days to get here.
My, that's a lovely nude.
Right? She's a yuki-onna.
You couldn't pay me to tangle with one in real life, but in a painting, they're harmless.
Hey! C'mon, let's get outta here!
What's the big rush?
Even empty-handed, it's still gonna take us two days to get home.
That's why we want to leave as soon as possible!
'Tis natural for a man to be so preoccupied with satisfying his sexual desires,
but members of the more short-lived races are always in such a hurry.
Meh, but that's why I work so well with 'em.
C'mon, now!
Well, I do have a succu-girl brothel that neighbors my castle, and it is indeed ready for clients.
My lord, pray tell where you would like your statues placed.
My liege, may I refill your glass of wine?
Quite the shrewd crew you have here, Zel, my boy.
Wellllhaaa...
Wh-what the hell is that?
The front desk.
I only come by once every decade,
so the staff here spend most of their time brain-dead and bored.
Welcome to the undread brothel, Succuwaif, my lord.
That was fast!
So why are they all undead?
Why, living girls wouldn't like to be left waiting for a decade or more.
And the undead, as a whole, are very unpopular with the vast majority of species,
which means we don't get very many customers.
But our good patron Count Delivel provides us with steady income,
so we just laze around most of the time.
Probably a good idea to leave Crim out of reviewing undead girls, too,
so this works out perfectly.
Wait, why? He not like scary stuff or something?
This is paradise!
No, just figured if he fucked an undead, he'd probably send them to Heaven for real.
Gives new meaning to "murder that pussy".
I don't think I can handle the smell...
You got any girls that don't reek?
That's gonna be tough...
How is it tough?! How can you not find a girl who doesn't stink?!
This is why nobody likes the undead!
It's not that we don't have girls that don't reek,
it's just that your incredibly sensitive beastman sense of smell is tough to satisfy.
Your choices would be Spectrissa, a ghost...
Yo. can't touch me, but you can touch yourself!
Or Ms. Bones, who's a skeleton.
You can touch me, sweetie!
And that's it.
She got a pussy to stick it in?
Nope!
Ah, jeez...
Right then, Sir Human, go on and choose!
To be honest, I'm not sure if they've got any girls I'd be into...
Save for one.
How about you?
Huh?
You're pretty damn cute, so if you're up for grabs, that's my pick.
Whaaa?
Not gonna lie, she could be pretty decent.
Not like I've got much to lose!
Uhh, well, I am technically "up for grabs”...
But I'm supposed to be the receptionist...
Eh, not like anyone's coming, so I suppose it's okay!
Make that pretty damn cute. Might've hit the jackpot.
O-okay, how about you, Milord, Sir Elf?
I'll take the jiangshi.
Hi there, I'm Menmen!
I'll take the vampiress.
Oh, milord, it's been too long!
Color me surprised, they've actually got some cuties.
Well, whatever.
I haven't done this in ages... I hope I can do it right!
This time, we went to the undead brothel Necrowaif.
All the girls there are undead.
I asked the cute zombie receptionist to be my partner.
Yes, oh, yes!
Bury your cock in me! Fuck me to death!
Normally I'd give a girl like her a solid 8 or 9,
but that smell was... not to die for.
Her body was as cold as a corpse, which you're either gonna love or hate.
Six outta ten.
The undead aren't all that popular outside of species
who like the smell of rotting flesh.
I'm hopping!
You're gonna make me hop away!
If you go with the jiangshi, you'll get a real
bloody taste in your mouth, but it's not that bad.
But she kinda just lies there like a corpse when you're going at it,
so that gets points docked from me.
Six outta ten.
I went with the pile of bones. Didn't even have a pussy to stick it in...
Oh, yes You're rattling me to pieces!
I didn't mind sucking on her bones, but it wasn't sexy in the slightest.
So I just spent all my time licking her till I couldn't lick any more.
Three outta ten.
Many spurn the idea of lying with the undead, calling them "smelly" or "incorporeal"...
Suck on me... Please, suck on me, milord!
My darling Count!
Yet vampiresses have no drawbacks.
However, they are quite loyal to the vampire who turned them,
so they unfortunately refuse to lie with other potential clients.
Eight out of ten.
Right, we got us some dirt to slap up on the bulletin board,
so let's get the hell home.
I bet Crim's jonesin' to get to another brothel right about now.
Isn't the title of Count a pretty big deal?
Why the hell's he staying in that run-down place, then?
Word is he's had that title for around 1500 years.
I don't think his Count title gets him much of anything anymore.
Just treat him like some mega-rich guy.
Come again, my sweet, little angel!
Y-yeah, sure thing.
I went by myself! I didn't even get asked to go!
I'm totally hopeless...
Indeed they were.
So, you went to one by yourself yesterday?
W-what?!
It's my job, right? I wrote a proper review!
Oh man, you're totally into it now.
You'd go even if it weren't your job.
You're a real man now, Crim!
C'mon, let's see that review,
and if it's good, we'll head there, too.
This time, I went to the Magical Lotion brothel fer animated slime action.
At this establishment, a lovely witch
will use magic to turn a special liquid into a slime-like substance,
then pleasure you in all sorts of ways with it.
A spark of magic and a splash of luck,
Slime, come forth to squeeze and suck!
Let's put the "F" in "fun" and "fuck"!
Go!
Unlike the lotion at other brothels, this animated slime is a substance like no other.
You'll be surprised by its many versatile uses.
The mana coursing through the slime makes for an extremely pleasant experience, too.
Soft, slippery slime, at my behest,
Coalesce upon my breast!
Alakazam!
Slime be nimble, slime be quick, slime caress this cutie's dick!
Coitus cummencio!
Wond'rous slime, slick and green, turn to water, wash away clean!
When the spell is lifted, the slime turns to plain water,
so cleanup is super easy, and you don't leave all slimy and sticky.
Damn, nine out of ten?
I mean, this does look like a pretty sweet place.
Bet that "lovely witch" he mentioned is chock full of mana, too.
I'm gonna pass on this one, fellas.
What? Why?
I don't much like to get wet. Makes my fur all stiff and gross...
And I'm still recovering from my wild ride with Ms. Bones the other day.
I'm gonna hit up my go-to succu-girl instead.
Who's your go-to succu-girl?
She's a polar bear beastwoman named Ice.
I told you we were a one-night thing, y'big silly...
She's so soft and fluffy, I just can't resist...
Uh-huh
Smell ya later!
Man, though, gettin' pleasured by magic lotion...
The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a damn good time to me.
Damn straight!
Sounds like it's takin' the best parts of fucking a slime girl and makin' them better!
Gotta say, good job pickin' this one out, Crim!
Huh?
Uhh, well, actually...
Man, you must've spent a ton of time wandering around the red-light district to find this one.
Not that I'm surprised! You're in the midst of your sprung awakening!
Stop assuming stuff and let me explain!
I saw it here, that's all!
The hell is this?
Kanchal went to a bunch of adventurer taverns and brought these back!
Wait.
What the...
Hey, what the fuck?! These guys are totally ripping off our idea!
Yeah, seriously! I've got some strong words for these bastards!
Who do you think you are?!
Dammit, they're using pen names, how am I supposed to sue 'em?!
Really, you've "been at this for 8000 years", mister "Cocksmith of Eld"?!
Stop blowin' smoke up our asses, ya punk-ass gnome!
"The World's Most Powerful Incu-Beastman Hybrid, Cuntry Wolf Jamboree"?!
You tryin' to pick a fight with my man Brooz?!
Wait, they're all different groups of reviewers.
Eh, we're just going to different 'succu-girl joints and writing our thoughts.
Anyone can do that.
Surprised it didn't happen sooner.
And it's not like we have grounds to sue or anything.
What to do, hmm.
'Scuse me!
Coming!
In the end, they decided to simply read and enjoy them.
Hey, this is the magic joint Crim went to.
Ooh, they gave it high scores.
This one's another one of Archmage Demia's projects, like the Gender-Swap Inn.
Well, shit! Now we have to go.
Hey, this review's done by a succubus film director, and a girl at that.
No way! We've got girls reviewing places now, too!
Her pen name's "Bi Bananan".
So she swings both ways.
This time, we're feasting our eyes on some highly-prized girl-on-girl action!
Here we go. Just relax.
O-okay.
Hyenas are excellent scavengers,
but we also love hunting living, virile creatures...
"Real Lesbian Action Tastes So Sweet!
Especially When This Newbie's So Cute!"
Take her, take me, get ready for take one!
And action!
Good, good!
Let me see a little more spit swapped there, I want you as slimy as two slugs goin' at it!
Yes, okay!
That's it, that's the look!
God, even I'm getting wet!
That look of dazed passion, it's perfect!
I'm so far out to sea on this yuri yacht, I swear,
I'm ready to be reincarnated as the plant in the hit title
"I'm Just a Plant in the Lesbian Couple's Room”!
You're cute. Getting turned on?
Y-you said this was just going to be job training...
That's right.
What better way to learn than on the job itself?
Just like this...
I'm going to devour you down to the marrow.
B-but Senpai, you—you can't!
Talking back? You naughty girl.
Y-you lied to me! Senpai, you're the naughty one!
Yes, that's it! Fingers and tongue, double trouble!
The calm before the fuck-storm!
My heart just can't take it!
Is that so? Well, then, let's see if you talk back down here, too...
S-senpai!
Pan up! Pan wide!
Pan, pan, pan into this perfect porntastic pussy party!
Go on, get loud. Let me hear that pretty voice.
Oh, mistress!
This take is so hot!
I'm about to reach the climax of my own film!
Believe me, you'll get a full, hearty course of feminine frolicking.
If you'd like a lovely older woman to teach you the ropes,
then I cannot recommend this place more highly!
I'll tell you this, I have discovered a forbidden door, and I threw it wide open!
Eight out of ten, huh?
What's this ad? "Now Recruiting Actresses (Of All Genders) for Succubus Films"?
Mixing business in pleasure, looks like.
Gotta say, she's got some balls on her.
Or should I say ovaries? Shit.
"If you love the thought of someone watching you, cum on down!"
Hilarious!
For real.
I dunno if I'd be that into going there, though.
Same, dude.
Yo, check this out! Archmage Demia's got her own shop!
Oh crap, you're right.
Whoa! What is this place?!
All three groups gave it a full forty points!
Hey, Crim!
You been to this perfect-score place yet?
Don't be ridiculous!
The Magic Metropolis is too far away!
Oh shit, you're right, it's here in tiny print.
Boy, Crim's really read the hell outta these.
He even knows how far away it is from here.
He would've totally gone if it wasn't such a trek.
Ho there, you're back! Good to see you, Stunk and Zel!
Kanchal!
You guys wanna hit up this perfect-score paradise, right?
I've got some Centaur porters out front and ready!
We can get to the Magic Metropolis in four days with their help!
Well done, my dude! Let's do this!
And we've got plenty of cash to throw around after helpin' out the Count.
What're you doing, Crim?
Huh?
You're going too, right, Crim?
O-of course!
Here you go.
And we're off!
We're comin' for you, Magic Metropolis!
Yeah!
Sandlizard omelet and scorpion salad, order up!
Thanks!
Boy, is it busy...
Hey Crim, could you take this to table seven?
Crim?
My, if you're looking for dear Crim,
he went off with Stunk and the gang.
Dangit,
Stunk and Zel!
(Translation by Katrina Leonoudakis)
O succu-girl goddess of love and beauty,
Let the wind blow across the Aegean sea,
bring forth your scallop-born divinity!
Even in the arms of a client she loves,
she dreams of another!
Oh, succu-girls are an ocean...
A great, vast ocean of love!
Sex you next week...
I mean, see you next week!
Bye bye!
Sex you soon!
Let Your Eyes Behold the Glory and Mystery of the Brothel with a Perfect Score! Take a Newlywed or a Horny Tutor or A Little Piggie as Your Lover! They'll Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze It Outta Ya! Infinite Pleasure Over a Satisfying Three-Day Excursion! True Happiness Awaits!!