The characters of the Ranma ??? universe are the creation and possession of the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and her licensees (Shogakukan Inc., Kitty-Fuji TV, Viz Communications Inc.) No copyright infringement is intended. C&C is appreciated and encouraged. Thanks to the generous efforts of fans my fanfiction may now be found on the following url's: kazamajun: http://www.iguild.com/homes/kazama/ Stardancer: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Pagoda/4630/archive.html timmin: http://home.earthlink.net/~tannim/newest.html (Furies only) I'M A GUY Chapter 1 "Ooooooooooooh, that BAKA!" Muttering under her breath Tendou Akane dragged the 'wooden man' from storage. Coughing and spitting dust and spider webs she womanhandled the practice dummy to the center of the doujou. "Stupid----"spear point, "Arrogant----"iron palm, "Insufferable----"spin kick, "BOY!!!" combination---- "OWWWW!" Never attack an opponent in anger. Not even a wooden one. Her timing was just a fraction off . . . The spinning hardwood arm caught her just at the base of her skull. "Stupid dummy." A savage side kick split the hardwood figure up the middle. Rubbing her head as she headed back into the house Akane wasn't sure if she meant Ranma or the wooden man. Slipping into her pajamas Akane climbed into bed, wincing as she gingerly lay her head on the pillow. "That jerk, making fun of me again. It's not like _he's_ so perfect." Tossing and turning she tried to find a comfortable spot for her aching head. "It's because he's a _boy_." She thought resentfully. "Boy's can be dumb and stupid and clumsy and they're just being BOYS." A sudden spike of pain brought tears to her eyes. "It's not fair . . .why can't I . . .if I were . . ." Her head hurt so much. Maybe she should ask Kasumi for some aspirin. She'd just lie there for a minute. Just a minute. ****************************************** "Man, I feel GREAT!" Bounding out of bed Satome Ranma took the stairs ----several----at a time. "G'morin' Kasumi." "Good morning. Would you like breakfast now?" "After I spar with the old man. OK?" "Certainly." "Mornin' Nabiki." The red and black blur ruffled the middle Tendou daughter's hair playfully. "Gaaaaa." "Hey pop. Ya ready?" "A true martial artist is always----" Twelve koi had a near death experience at they went were no koi has gone before. Skillfully Kasumi scooped up the survivors and replaced them in the pond. Mopping up the water that had splashed in the house she made a mental note to pick up some of that new cleaner at the market that removed pet odors. Perhaps it would work on wet panda. "Grbrrbble?" "I think it was a front kick, followed by a reverse crescent." Kasumi answered cheerfully. "It was so fast it was hard to tell." She examined the Panda's face carefully." "Aooowwwwwl." "Gomen. It does appear to be very painful." She lightly traced the marks. "Yes, definitely a reverse crescent. And what appears to be a spear point to the heart." Smiling cheerfully she headed for her kitchen and an ice pack. "Mother always taught a stone-breaker fist to the groin . . ." "Gaaaaa." "Oh dear Nabiki. I'd better get you some water." Moving gracefully Kasumi made her way serenely into her domain, still conversing. ". . . but father made her quit teaching that. Too many of his students quit to become accountants." Almost immediately she returned carrying a full glass of water and an ice pack. "Here's your water Nabiki." "Gaaaa." "And your ice pack, Mr. Panda." "That was great." The pig-tailed martial artist finished his breakfast, and most of his father's. "Do you need any help cleaning up?" "That's very sweet of you to ask. But I think I can take care of everything." "Great. I'm off. Bye." With a jaunty wave the young martial artist bounded over the courtyard wall. "HEY!" A very irate figure stomped down the stairs. "What's goin' on down here? It's Sunday for cripes sake." "Gaaaa." "You alright Nabiki? You don' look so good." "Good morning Ranma, would you like breakfast now?" "Gaaaa." ****************************************** Bounding over the roof tops of Nerima the Ranma gloried in the beautiful morning. Inhaling deeply, the delicate scent of cherry blossoms filled him with a sense of peace. The blue sky, the white, white clouds . . . Fuji-san in the distance . . .a master of hidden weapons with throwing knives . . .the delicate green of---- "Hiya' Mu Tsu," Dropping suddenly he snatched one of the knives from the air. "Shoushu forged?" He turned the blade admiringly between his fingers. "Nice. Is it new?" "Saotome . . .for your transgressions against my beloved Shan Pu there can be only DEATH!!!" "Watch it duck-boy!" A Kora smashed the roofing tiles into splinters, just missing his head. The heavy Nepalese sword was quickly followed by a Burmese axe, an Indian Gargaz, two curved throwing knives from the Lake Chad region, a Hello Kitty bentou box, a spiked . . . "Hey, that's mine." The pig-tailed boy snatched the box. "I wondered what happened to it." Pulling off the lid he looked inside. "Still got some pickled roe and squid." Scooping out a bit he popped it in his mouth. "A little gamey, but not bad. Thanks." "You mock me at your peril Saotome." A sixteenth century Italian mace appeared in the blind boy's hands. "I shall smash you like a bug claiming the divine Shan Pu as my own." Spinning the ten kilogram hammer like a cheer leaders baton Mu Tsu charged, screaming at his hated foe. The instant Mu Tsu was within striking distance the Ranma slid forward, turning slightly to his left. Gently, as if embracing a lover, his left hand grasped Mu Tsu's right wrist, pulling forward while rotating the arm as far as it would go. At the same time his right hand formed a claw that pushed into Mu Tsu' elbow, paralyzing the nerves. The hammer went sailing from Mu Tsu's now useless hand. Pig tail flying he continued his semi-circular motion. Pushing up with his right arm and down with his left he levered Mu Tsu to the ground. "Geeeez, give me a break. I ain't done nothin' to Shan Pu. She's ----" "LIAR!" Mu Tsu screamed, trying to buck his captor off his back. "She thinks only of you, cooks special foods for you, calls for you in her sleep. And you IGNORE her. As if she were NOTHING!!!" Convulsing like a poisoned cat Mu Tsu fought clear. "For this dishonor I. Will. KILL. YOU!!!" "Maaaan, that don't make a bit o' sense." He flipped backwards to avoid the sudden thrust from a key-point yari. "Ya want me dead 'cause I'm supposed ta be AFTER-----whooops-----after Shan Pu,"A cloud of throwing stars hummed like a hive of angry wasps. "HEY! Watch it 'fore ya hurt someone." Snatching a television aerial he swatted the lethal darts from the air. "An' NOW you're pissed 'cause I'm NOT payin' no attention to her?" They say that love is blind. In this instance it was deaf, dumb and blind to reason as a rabid badger with it's testicles caught in a threshing machine. "You CUR." Five-pronged Vajra appeared in each hand. "For trifling with my darling Shan Pu's affections." The iron claws burst into flame. "For bruising my beautiful Shan Pu's tender sensibilities." Mu Tsu charged screaming. "I. Will. Kill. YOUUUURRRRRPP." Slamming face first into a concrete support the blind-boy dropped like a stone. "Geeeezzz." Stooping, Ranma hefted Mu Tsu over his shoulder. "You don't need glasses . . .you need a guide dog." Shifting his burden he started toward the Nekohanten. ****************************************** "YO! Shan Pu? Old Ghoul? I got sumthin' for ya'." Dumping his burden the pig-tailed boy looked around the empty restaurant. "Ayyy." The young Amazon maiden bounced into the room. "Stupid Mu Tsu," she scolded the unconscious boy. "what idiot thing you do now?" Disregarding the comatose blind magician she opened her arms to receive her husbands embrace. As always, she was forced to compensate for his adorable shyness by being just the slightest bit forward. "C . . .c . . .n't br'th." Eyes bulging like a tromped on toad he beat feebly at the velvet covered steel bands encircling him. From the back of the restaurant a wizened figure moved forward with a graceful thock-thock- thock, as her gnarled staff hit the floor. "Ahh, Mu Tsu," She glanced at the gently snoring boy. "you have failed again. " She looked over at her great- grand-daughter. "Well done, son-in-law." "I . . .," pushing mightily he managed to gain a few milimeters of breathing space. " . . .a . . .ain't . . .your . . .SON-IN-LAW!" Something in the tone of voice finally caught Shan Pu's attention. "What wrong hus----" Brain cells that had moments before been happily back- stroking in an endorphin sea suddenly found themselves aground on rocks of harsh reality. " . . .band???" Her jaw dropped and shock slackened muscles released their hold. Hyper-compressed Amazon flotation devices suddenly uncompressed---- flinging Shan Pu across the room. Chest heaving from exertion the irate martial artist glared at the Amazons. "I ain't a squeeze toy," he stared at Shan Pu, "This ain't China . . . and I AIN'T," he poked a finger in the matriarch's chest. "your SON-IN-LAW!!!" Watching the young martial artist bound away over the roof tops the ancient Amazon rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "This is an unexpected development," she said to no one in particular. "Shan Pu," She bopped her great grand daughter with her staff. "Close your mouth. It's embarrassing." "Gaaaa." ****************************************** "Forget it ya old mummy. I ain't lettin' ya do some weird Amazon shit to me." The angry young martial artist stepped quickly away from the Amazon matriarch. Cu Lon sighed. This had been going on ever since she had arrived at the Tendou Doujou twenty minutes earlier. She was alone in the room, except for Dr. Toufu and her _patient_. "I am truly sorry _son-in-law_" she smiled wryly at the appellation. "But this is for your own good." Faster than thought her staff struck at the pressure point that would render the young girl unconscious. There was a gasp from the hidden watchers as the staff was caught milimeters from it's target. Cu Lon blinked. Better and better. Such interesting things were always happening around the Tendou doujou. "You wanna fight, old ghoul!?" Ranma(akane)'s battle spirit surged alarmingly. "Not at all Ak . . .urrr . . .Ranma." Dr. Toufu said soothingly. "It's just that . . .uhhh . . .Akane is concerned about you." "Akane?" Ranma(akane) wrinkled _his_ brow in puzzlement. "Why'd that gorilla girl be worried 'bout me?" "Well, she hit you pretty hard earlier. She feels really badly about that." Toufu was sweating as he scrambled for a convincing story. "Yeah, well she's got plenty of brute strength." Ranma(akane) sniggered. "Good thing too. An un-cute girl like her's gonna have to get a job at the circus. 'Cause she ain't never gonna get married." Toufu shot a condemning look toward the snigger coming from behind the closed doors. "Yes, well . . .that aside. Please allow us to examine you." When Ranma(akane) looked as if _he_ would protest Cu Lon intervened. "Before these witnesses I pledge if I cause any harm to Saotome Ranma with this examination I and all my kin will leave Japan forever." She promised with complete truthfulness. Ranma(akane) glared at Cu Lon for a moment. "OK. You're a tricky old bat. But you're honorable." _He_ bowed once. "Go ahead." Cu Lon returned the bow. She'd promised no harm would come to Saotome Rama. And she wouldn't _really _harm Akane. A few minor adjustments that would make Shan Pu's inevitable victory a little smoother. Cu Lon felt a brief, unaccustomed twinge of regret as she moved toward her patient. ****************************************** "I am ashamed of you Cu Lon." Toufu whispered sternly in the old Amazon's ear. "Did you think I wouldn't detect your tampering?" The two were huddled in a corner of the common room, away from the family. Ranma(akane) was in the doujou, working out after _his_ examination. "You are skilled," Cu Lon replied, not in the least discomfitted. "Had I succeeded in curing Akane's delusion I would have considered my 'tampering' as payment for services rendered. Toufu's knuckle's whitened as he fought to contain himself. "Had you succeeded in your perversion you would have made an enemy." "You?" Cu Lon's voice was amused. "Among others." Toufu shot a significant look at the _other_ Saotome Ranma who was alternately looking in their direction and out toward the doujou. "In any event _we_ failed in our attempts. It now remains----" "Failed! Whaddya mean----failed?" Toufu and Cu Lon looked up as Ranma and the others crowded around them. "I mean, future son-in-law," an evilly mischievous tone entered her voice. "or should that be daughter?" Ranma glared and she chuckled. " . . .that Tofu sensei and I were unable to correct Tendou Akane's delusion that she is Saotome Ranma." "Doctor Toufu, can't you do anything?" Kasumi asked sweetly. You could almost hear the sizzle and pop of neurons dying with tiny screams of pleasure as Toufu became aware of Kasumi. Before he could go into complete melt down Cu Lon hastily struck a pressure point, temporarily stabilizing him. "Ah . . .ah . . .do . . .something." He smiled muzzily. "Ah . . .no, not at this time. We," he indicated Cu Lon with a wave of his hand. "have found a disruption in Akane's ki lines. And a lump at the base of her skull. I would like to have her examined by a neurologist. However he . . .errr . . .she adamantly refuses to go to a hospital. At this point our best course is to not directly confront Akane about her . . .errr . . .mistake." Toufu looked unhappy even as he said this. "What should we do?" Soun looked miserable. "I want what's best for my little girl." "As Dr. Toufu says," Cu Lon spoke up. "For the moment, watch Akane for sighs of illness. Dizzy spells, nausea, headache. In that case she should go immediately to a hospital." At the amazed looks directed at her she elaborated. "The Amazon nation has not lasted five thousand years through stupidity. There are some things that modern medicine can do that I can not." Her look changed to a very old fashioned one. "And I can do many things that modern medicine has not dreamed of." She waited a moment, then continued. "In this case it seems best to not challenge your daughter's delusion directly. The shock could be dangerous. I believe it much safer to let her recover from her delusion naturally." "Just let her continue to wear Ranma's clothes, sleep in his room if she wishes." Toufu added. "I imagine she will start to return to normal in just a few days." "Wait a minute. If Akane's gonna be wearin' my clothes an' sleepin' in my room . . ." He looked around at the faces staring back at him. "Oh hell no! Ain't NO way I'm gonna dress up like a girl." He crossed his arms defiantly over his chest. The effect was spoiled when Kasumi dumped a glass of water over his head. "Oh, but you've done it so many times before. When you pretended to be Ryouga' sister, when you pretended to be Rouga's finance, when you pretended to be Ryouga's . . ." "That was DIFFERENT!" Ranma hissed. "Oh! I see now." "Well, I'm glad ----" Ranma started. "But, if I explain it was for a good cause I'm sure Ryouga-kun won't be jealous." Ranma stumbled back in horror. "NO! Nonononononono. . ." Kasumi patted the trembling Ranma on the head. "It's all right. I'm sure once I explain that you really prefer being a girl only for him . . ." Nabiki tuned out Ranma's babbled denials and Kasumi's helpful suggestions as the turned on the two medical _professionals_. "Are you crazy? For once I have to agree with Ranma. What kind of stupid mumbo-jumbo is this?" Hands fisted on her hips she stared at Toufu. "I'm gonna' take Akane to a psychiatrist in the morning and get her some real help." "That's so sweet of you Nabiki," Kasumi said from where she was assuring Ranma that Ryouga would forgive his being a girl for someone else. "Mrs. Kei's son just opened a clinic down town. They only charge thirty thousand yen . . ." Nabiki blinked. " . . .per half hour." Kasumi smiled. Nabiki blinked . . .again. "C'mon _little sister_," Nabiki grabbed Ranma by his pig-tail. "You need a hair cut before school tomorrow." "Oh, and we'll need to alter a school uniform tonight."Kasumi chattered as she followed Nabiki and Ranma up the stairs. "You'll need new underwear . . . "Hey, wait. NO! Stop it. Don't take that . . .give me back my pants . . .I ain't wearing . . .I'm a GUYYYY !!!" ****************************************** "I'm a guy, Akane." Ranma(akane) smirked from atop the fence. "Guy's just naturally got better balance an' coordination an' stuff." Akane(ranma) hunched her shoulders and pretended not to hear. Bad enough he had to be a girl. Worse that he had to wear this stupid uniform. Irritably she yanked at the tight blouse collar. Stupid dress. Stupid loafers. Worst of all----blushing fiercely she looked around to see if anyone had heard her thoughts. He'd get Nabiki for this. If it took him a hundred years. There wasn't any reason he couldn't have worn his boxers under the skirt. " . . .that's why there aren't any great women martial artists." "Huh?" Akane(ranma) looked up at the fence, her attention caught by that last statement. "Jus' what I said," Ranma(akane) grinned down at her. "Girls jus' ain't tough enough to be real martial artists. 'Course a gorilla girl like you got no choice but to try, I guess." "What's that 'spo . . .supposed to mean." Akane(ranma) hastily corrected. That was _another_ thing. He had to watch how he talked, so's he didn't upset Akane - - -the real Akane. "I can do anything you can do." Suiting action to words Akane(ranma) leapt for the fence top. For want of a nail a shoe was lost. For want of a shoe a horse was lost . . .etc. Akane(ranma) left the ground like a homesick angel. If only her skirt hadn't caught on a section of fence----if her dress shoes hadn't been so slick----if she hadn't suddenly remembered Nabiki's little contribution to her disguise----if . . . "Aaaaaaaa!" Arms windmilling, sky and ground swapped places as Akane(ranma) fell backwards off the fence. Tangled in that stupid skirt she wondered if she'd break her neck or just drown in the canal. Her express elevator plunge came to an abrupt stop. "Geeez, Akane. Ya gotta be more careful." Akane(ranma) flailed her way clear of the entangling skirt to find herself held securely in Ranma(akane)'s arms. "Uhhhhh . . . .thank . . . .wooooops." Akane(ranma) gasped as Ranma(akane) took off at top speed. "Hey! You're goin' . . .uhh . . .going the wrong way." "Gonna' try sumthin' different. Hang on!" ****************************************** Where were they? Nabiki wasn't worried . . .precisely. They were just a little late. And Ranma was with Akane. What could happen? Nabiki shook her head violently to rid herself of the thought. She didn't like to tempt the gods . . .unless she could make a few yen. Nabiki headed for Akane's class room. Maybe someone had seen them on the way ---- "Yo, Nabiki. Wha's happenin' ?" "Ak----Ranma! What are you _doing_ here?" Nabiki hissed. "We came in the back way." Nabiki looked back at the depressed sounding voice to see Akane(ranma) with her head in her arms. "Huh? Why did you come the back way Ran . . .uhh . . .sis?" "Look out th' . . .Look out of the window," Akane(ranma) waved a hand in that direction, not looking up. "What's out the window?" Nabiki asked, walking over to it. "What does that have to do with-- --What in the world?" Nabiki pressed her nose against the window. In front of the school stood Kuno, boken at high guard, positioned for immediate attack. "He's still out there ain . . .isn't he?" Akane(ranma) muttered. "If you mean Kuno?" Nabiki replied, staring at the tableau. As she watched a leaf blew into Kuno's face. "He's still there." She turned back to Akane(ranma). "Now, what's going on?" "Kuno stands out front," Ranma(akane) explained. "Akane and me come to school. Kuno fight's me 'r tries ta date Akane an' his pig-tailed- goddess. We come in the _back_, Kuno stands out front . . ." "And stands, and stands." Nabiki finished. "Clever." She admitted grudgingly. "What's your problem?" She glanced over at her _sister_. "Nuthin'." Akane(ranma) muttered sullenly. "Aw, she's just upset 'cause she tired to run on the fence like I do an' she fell off." Ranma(akane) added helpfully. "You . . .you fell off?" Nibiki choked on a little bubble of laughter. "Th . . .that's too . . .too bad." She looked closely at her _little sister_. "You don't look like you got hurt. Did _Ranma_ save you?" She asked jokingly. There was a thunderous silence. Akane(ranma) shot Nabiki a fulminating look, flushing in anger and embarrassment. "Ahhh . . .She was jus' clumsy." Ranma(akane) explained. "I tired to tell her girls are no good at martial arts an' stuff." Nabiki jerked at the snapping sound. Looking down she could see a corner of the desk broken off in Akane(ranma)'s hand. "Girls should stick to girl stuff," Ranma(akane) pontificated. Nabiki stepped hastily away from the flaring heat of Akane(ranma)'s aura. " 'Course Akane don't know nuthin' 'bout girl stuff either." _He_ looked at Nabiki. "You shoulda' seen her tryin' to jump on the fence like she was a real martial artist---- A death wish. That was the only thing Nabiki could think of to explain it. ". . .wavin' her arms and screamin' like a little---- BANG! Nabiki jumped as Akane(ranma)'s desk imploded, filling the room with wood chips. "Oh my." ****************************************** "Domestic SCIENCE!" Akane(ranma)'s voice pitched painfully toward the ultra-sonic. "Just calm down . . .little sister." Nabiki grabbed Ranma by the ear and dragged him into a corner. "Calm down?" Ranma rubbed his ear glaring at Nabiki. "Bad enough that I gotta wear this ," he fingered the fuku distastefully. "Ain't no way I'm gonna---- "We can't afford to pay a psychiatrist sixty thousand yen an hour," She dangled a powder blue scrap of lace in front of Akane(ranma). "unless you want to contribute?" Akane(ranma) looked at the gossamer neglige and the camera in Nabiki's other hand. "I ain't wearin' no girly apron." ****************************************** "That's a _darling_ apron . . . Akane. I LOVE the little bunnies." Ranma hunched his shoulders as if warding of a blow. "And the lace trim is so kawaiiii." Ignoring the second voice Akane(ranma) attacked the cookie dough as if it were an enemy. "Pink is really your color." CRACK! "Oh dear. Let me get you a new bowl." ****************************************** Skulking through the halls Akane(ranma) used all her sills to avoid detection. Someone had filched her fuku while she was in class so she had to sneak around in this stupid coverall and apron until she could get to the spare clothes in her locker. Someone probably thought this was pretty funny. Someone probably thought she could take pictures . . . First she was going to dump these dumb cookies, then she was going to change into GUY clothes, and then---- "Hey, don't throw them cookies away like that." Akane(ranma) spun toward the cocky voice. Damn. She hadn't sensed him . . .uhhh . . .her . . . Akane(ranma) shook herself irritably. "Ummm. Ya wan . . .uhhh do you want one?" Akane(ranma) corrected herself. "Nah," Ranma(akane) drawled insultingly. "I just don't think it's safe to throw them things out where some dumb animal might eat 'em." "What!? There ain . . .isn't anything wrong with these cookies." "Hey, I didn't say there was anything wrong . . ." Akane(ranma) started to relax. " . . .jus' that as cookies, they make pretty good rat poison." There was a round of chuckling. Akane(ranma) flushed as she realized they had an audience. "Hey, I worked hard on these cookies," she fumed, forgetting she'd been blackmailed into the class. "and you ain't . . .you haven't even tried them." She thrust the plate at Ranma(akane). "I ain't stuck my head in a meat grinder either." _He_ thought for a moment. "It probably wouldn't hurt as much as your cookies." Akane(ranma) tried to unclench her jaw as the crowd again found this witticism hilarious. "Just. Try. One." Again Akane(ranma) thrust the plate at her tormentor. He _never_ lost a fight. Not even with cookies. Gingerly Ranma(akane) took one of the cookies. Sniffing it he nibbled a tiny piece. A surprised look passed over _his_ face. "Man . . .this is amazing!" Akane(ranma) got a smug look on her face. "Who woulda thought you could make dog poop look so much like a cookie." "BAKA!!!!"