Originally Posted by: Dungeon Master
Jean was my family’s British au pair. She was short and wore cropped hair. She had been with us a month when I introduced her to my creative friend Josh. We tied Jean up during an imagination game based on two characters we invented based on all the parodies of film noir detectives we had seen in cartoon and comics. Josh was a detective named Sam Spud (see The Maltese Falcon) Mine was Ace Scale. Sam Spud was a normal human. Ace Scale was an anthropomorphic lizard. Both wore trench coats and fedoras. Think Humphrey Bogart. Or any movie made in the forties. Ace and Sam were detectives in the Metropolitan City Police and local heroes in Metropolitan City, a bizarre city inhabited by characters with no theme except for utter wackiness. As you read this story, I ask that you use your imagination. Imagine a film noir setting in the cartoony imagination of two eight year old boys whose only exposure to the detective genre are parodies in cartoons. Josh and I acted out our games (see my story Josh’s Mom).
Our story begins in the detectives’ MCP office (my basement). I’m Ace Scale. I was engaged in the never ending task of keeping the office clean. Sam (Josh) was throwing a base ball against the wall and catching it. I looked up at my partner to tell him how annoying that was.
“Sam, that’s very AAAH!†I never finished that sentence because someone yelling in the office next door caused the filing cabinet to fall over, on top of me. Sam did not catch his baseball. Chief Volcano stormed into the room. Chief Volcano was a big man with a brown complexion. All cops of the MCP feared his temper. And the volcano on his head. If you got him really ticked off it would erupt.
“SPUD! THAT’S VERY ANNOYING!†roared the chief.
“Sorry sir. I won’t do it any more,†said Sam, very cool and collected. Chief Volcano lifted the filing cabinet off me and produced a spatula with which he helped me off the floor. I never wanted to put any heavy furniture against the wall that adjoined the Chief’s office, but we were out of space on the other wall against which stood the other filing cabinet, my desk, two bulletin boards and framed newspaper articles that featured us.
“Boys,†he said, “You’re my two best detectives, though you annoy me to hell.†That’s hardly an accomplishment. The chief is always annoyed. He gave us a new assignment. A kidnapping case.
“Hey Josh,†I said out of character, “Let’s see if Jean will play. She can be kidnapped.â€
“What do you want to do?†Josh said.
“We tie her up,†I said. Josh grinned evilly.
“I like the way you think.â€
So we spoke to Jean.
“Why do you want me to be tied up?†Jean asked.
“A game we’re playing,†I said.
“We’re detectives and have to find someone who has been kidnapped,†Josh said.
“So I’m going to be kidnapped and tied up?†Jean asked. We nodded. “Who are the kidnappers?â€
“We are,†I said.
“I thought you were the detectives.â€
“We’re both,†said Josh. “Basically, we’re everyone.â€
“Why do you need me to be just the kidnapped girl?†said Jean. Josh and I hemmed and hawed.
“Never mind. So what am I going to do exactly?†Jean asked.
“You’ll be tied up and gagged in the house until we find and rescue you,†I said.
“uh, alright. But be nice,†said Jean. Josh and I brought the tie up supplies from the basement. The tie up supplies comprised nylon rope that my little brother like to play with, old fabric belts my mom did not use anymore and miscellaneous pieces of fabric, the origins of which I have since forgotten.
We decided to use my bedroom as the kidnapper’s hideout. Jean sat in my desk chair. I bound her hands behind her back with a short length of pink nylon rope while Josh tied her legs. I wrapped a much longer piece of rope around Jean’s torso and the back of the chair, not very tightly.
“Now what? Ohh.†Jean started to talk when I cleave gagged her with a black piece of cloth.
“Wait right here, we’ll be back,†I said. Josh and I left the room to act out the rest of the game.
Detectives Spud and Scale interviewed the millionaire family of Jenny Wells, the kidnapped heiress. The kidnappers left a note with two words:
Yes, Cops
“Now that’s odd,†said Spud. “Usually they say no cops.â€
“We got a phone call right after she disappeared,†said Mr. Wells. “Someone asked if the cops were there, I said no and hung up.â€
“This is gonna be one of those cases where some criminal mastermind plays a game with us to prove how good he is,†said Scale. The phone rang. Spud answered it.
“I’m a cop†he said. “Okay. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good. That’s good. Crazy? I don’t think I’m crazy. Chief Volcano says I’m a idiot, what’s the difference. Hello?â€
“What did he say?†said Scale.
“He wants you and me to bring him the ransom at the docks tonight.â€
“Why did he ask if you were crazy?â€
“I don’t know. Must have been something I said.†That night, two detectives stood on the docks with a briefcase full of money.
“Sam,†Scale said, “Did he tell where on the docks to wait?â€
“Shut up.â€
“You are an idiot.â€
“He said he would have us followed.â€
“This has trap written all over it.â€
“Why trap us?â€
“Because I hate you!†hissed a voice. The detectives turned around and saw a tall toucan with a broken arm.
“Banana-nose Bernie,†said Scale.
“Hello boys. So good to see you two again.â€
“What happened to your arm?†asked Spud.
“I broke it when I escaped from prison,†said Bernie.
“Can we trade now?†Scale asked.
“Give me the money.â€
“Where is the girl?†said Spud.
“Safe.â€
“Safe where?†said Scale.
“What to do you care?â€
“A lot. It is our job,†said Spud.
“Not anymore. See, this is my plan. You’ll look like accomplices because you just hand over the money, without saving the girl,†said Bernie the Toucan.
“No way,†said the detectives. Scale threw the briefcase into the bay.
“YOU MORON!†screamed Spud and the toucan.
“Like I’m going to tell you where the girl is now!†said the toucan. Scale poked his claw through the cast.
“Ow. Don’t do that,†said Bernie. Scale poked again.
“Alright, I’ll talk.
The detectives burst into Bernie’s hideout, guns drawn. They untied the girl. Scale ungagged her and Spud got the ropes.
"What took you so long?" asked Jean.
"We had to find you. The kidnappers didn't exactly make it easy."