Thursday evening and my wife comes home from work late again, we've got a few days off now but she storms straight in and dumps her stuff in the living room. I poke my head in to see if she's okay and she's going on about all the stuff she has to do.
I said "Carys, you're exhausted, don't bother with that, i'll do stuff that needs doing"
but she wouldn't have it, she had this long list of stuff she reeled off: ironing, washing, internet banking all sorts of crap and I kept telling her I would do it but she was like
"no I need to get on with it".
"I'll make you a cup of tea..."
went into the kitchen and put the kettle on, came back into the living room and sure enough, she was face down on the sofa asleep. So I seized my opportunity because, I just had to. I went into the bedroom and got a pair of restraints from Carys' drawer of sex toys. Doing my best Metal Gear Solid, I crept onto the sofa, gently placed her hands behind her and attached the restraints (leather type things, not supposed to hurt if you struggle in them) I pulled them tight thus waking her up. She rolled over onto her side and stared yelling at me.
"Love, I'm doing this because you wont stop otherwise, I'll do the washing, now sit there and I'll make you a cup of tea."
"Al, I am NOT in the mood for this!"
She kept yelling while I got on with stuff, I put the tea in front of her and switched on the tv.
"How am I supposed to drink it, genius?"
"Let it cool for a bit and I'll get you a straw"
I started rubbing her shoulders, peeled back her cardigan and felt how tense she was even through her shirt. She soon stopped complaining, because I'm awesome at massages, like proper awesome. Did her feet for a bit as well because she loves that.
I went to cook some pasta so I switched on the hob and put on a pan of water on, then Carys emerges from the living room with a Marlborough in her mouth, so you know it's been a bad day if she's smoking in the house. She then sees the hob is on, leans into the cooker, sticks her fag in the flame and lights it. Without her hands! She gives me a look then walks off and shouts "Bedroom!"
I switch the hob off, fetch her tea from the living room and take it to the bedroom, there she is sat on the bed, with the TV on, using her foot, her FOOT to operate the remote while she smokes without her hands. She's got an ashtray on her side of the bed that she's flicking the ash into and I'm just watching her getting quite turned on by this. I'd seen on of my ex's smoke like this before, but not Carys, she's full of surprises.
I finished up doing all the things I said I would for her, then returned to the bedroom. She was asleep again and I thought I'd better let her go, she really won't be in the mood for anything. I turned her onto her back and removed her cuffs the woke her gently.
"Carys, you want to get changed?"
She took off her cardigan and her skirt, she stopped to look at me.
"Did you iron my jeans?"
"Yes I ironed your jeans, babe"
"Thanks"
She then punched me really hard in the bollocks. Just like that. She pushed me off the bed and curled up under the covers. I had to go lie down on the sofa for while.