The Kidnapping

Postby Catman » Tue May 06, 2014 5:40 pm

Dale was the most cheerful friend that anyone could ever have. He was upbeat, smart, and loved cycling. And today, Dale was going to train. Like all good athletes, Dale knew that he had to stay in shape in order to any kind of event. He had already plotted his trek. He expected that it would take him half an hour to bike from his house to his best friend's house. Dale strapped on his helmet and pedaled forward at a nice, steady pace.

When Dale reached the huge house that belonged to Nathan, he dismounted and walked up the steps. He didn't even reach the door.

**

Nathan dropped his cell phone onto the carpet floor beside him and picked up his gaming controller. Dale was going to be here in half an hour. Nathan was already wearing his swim trunks, knowing that he and Dale would be in the pool all morning. The porch door opened, and before he could move, Nathan fell unconscious.

**

It could be worse, Andrew thought to himself. Unseen kidnappers had taken him from his lonely house two days ago and left him to an RV. He was brought food and water, and he took one of the two beds, while Jacob, his friend, took the other. Andrew had been calculating and plotting for days, searching for an escape route in the tomb that held him.

The Door to the RV opened and two figures, dressed in black and face masks, dragged two boys his age in, threw them into the room, and left. Andrew leaped to his feet, but the figures just re-bolted the door. It all happened so fast that Andrew didn't have time to say a word, or even to attack them.\

"Jacob, help me take them to the bed." Andrew Called. Jacob nodded and helped lift them onto the awaiting beds.

"If they used the rod, they should be awake by now right?" Jacob asked. Andrew shook his head sadly.

"We're just used to it. They've never felt the effects of the rod. If we're lucky, they should be able to talk by dinnertime. But these two look athletic, so we shouldn't have a problem." He Answered.

Andrew and Jacob reclined on the cushioned bench opposite of the door and waited. Jacob eventually fell asleep, but Andrew had perfect posture, not even showing a sign of being tired. He couldn't sleep even if he wanted to.

But Andrew didn't have much time to ponder his thoughts, because both of the newcomers were awake and trying to sit up.Andrew rushed over to the bedside and pushed them down so that they lay flat.

"No, not yet." Andrew told them in a smooth, patient voice. "You're not ready to get up yet. I'll explain everything while you recover your strength."

And, true to his word, Andrew began to tell them his story.

Re: The Kidnapping

Postby mikeybound » Tue May 06, 2014 7:41 pm

First off, awesome screen name. Second, this is looking good so far! It doesn't have as much detail as I'd like, but you obviously have talent. You can ask some of the other writers for help if you want, It's always nice to see new writers here. Keep up the good work.
Oh, and welcome to the forum.

Re: The Kidnapping

Postby chadmc90 » Tue May 06, 2014 8:02 pm

Hmm, good beginning but some more details would be nice like Mikeybound stated previously. Some questions that should be addressed:
1. What do they look like? Describe their appearance at least somewhat. It doesn't have to be strictly detailed, but things like hair color, eye color, skin, height, build, etc.
2. How old are they?
3. The Setting? Describe the environment. You did describe it somewhat but more details would be good here. How about the lighting, for example?
4. What about their thoughts? What are the characters thinking as they are being kidnapped?

There was a topic somewhere that had good tips for new story writers. I wish the board admins would post it as a sticky at the top of every story section. I hope this helps.
Check out my latest story A Cowboy's Dream!

Feedback highly appreciated! Feel free to Private Message me if you prefer to not post on the public forum!

Re: The Kidnapping

Postby xtc » Wed May 07, 2014 12:54 am

I think the above remarks were a bit prompt. There is nothing wrong with filling in details as the plot progresses. Obviously the writer has set out to intrigue rather than to follow the more formulaic approach. I approve.

Catman, be true to your own style. I am sure the fog will clear in your own good time. There is nothing wrong with crediting your readers with the intelligence to draw inferences and it is often good to give them the opportunities to be creative themselves, even if you do disillusion them later.

Wassail!
Xtc
Boxer shorts are cool,
but little speedos rule!

More by the same author: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=22729

Re: The Kidnapping

Postby chadmc90 » Wed May 07, 2014 7:36 am

Maybe I was. I was just trying to help him out. It's a good start, nonetheless.
Check out my latest story A Cowboy's Dream!

Feedback highly appreciated! Feel free to Private Message me if you prefer to not post on the public forum!

Re: The Kidnapping

Postby Catman » Wed May 07, 2014 6:44 pm

Thanks for all of your Comments! Please don't hesitate to PM or comment, I really appreciate the advice, and hopefully I can address your questions in next few chapters.


Chapter 2 The Motel

**

"They found Jacob and I a few days ago, at our Middle School in New Mexico. Every day we seem to drive a little farther, and we have no idea where we are." Andrew paused, scratching his short fiery red hair. He turned to the tow boys on the bed, and let the new reality soak in.

"The weapon that they used against you was under development from my Father's company in Albuquerque. It released electricity into your body to cause pain or unconsciousness in the victim." Jacob stated.

"I'm Andrew, by the way. And this is Jacob." Andrew finished, and the two boys introduced themselves. Dale admired Andrew's talent for keeping a cool head in a time like this. The attitude of him radiated off and made him feel calmer, less stressed. He turned his head in Nathan's direction and wondered if he felt the same way.

Nathan was beginning to recover and stood up, surveying the inside of the RV that was there prison. The windows were blacked out, except for a small strip that allowed them to see if it was day or night. A bench was right in front of him, with a table that could come out. Farther down, there was a stove, microwave, and fridge. At the very end, there was the door, with a wire gate surrounding it so that visitors would have to open a padlock to reach them. He turned to the closest piece of furniture, the dresser, and began reached for the handle. He almost made it too.

The Door at the far end squeaked open, and a Man, in his twenties, unlocked the padlock and stepped into the small living quarters. He was followed by two other men, all about the same age. They all carried gray batons in their hands.

Andrew stepped forward to face the first of the men. The man rose the rod, but Andrew didn't show any sign of fear. Andrew grabbed the man's wrist, twisted it, and shook the baton from his hands. Andrew stood back, allowing the rod to act as a sword between him and the Intruder's. Andrew aimed the rod at the two remaining men, who had fanned out in front of him, and pressed a large button at the hilt.

Lightning shot out from Andrew's rod onto the other rods. The men seemed surprise of what the rod had done, but even more surprised that their prisoners had resisted. Of course, Andrew's show couldn't last very long, and eventually the Rod had died. But the Men's anger had grown.

The man that Andrew had fought had risen to his feet, and Dale thought that he could see smoke coming out from his ears. The Man pulled out a set of handcuffs and planted them firmly on Andrew. In just a few moments, the four boys were in complete control of the mysterious men.

Without saying a word, the three men pulled the boys out of the RV. In front of them was a motel complex, it looked clean and new, but unoccupied. The men walked over to a door, unlocked it, and pushed it open.

The room could have been a normal motel room once, but no sane person would stay here now. There were two beds in the room, both without mattresses, but each with one pillow. A circular ring was bolted to the ceiling, with four collars with small chains attached to them. The bathroom had no door and no sink. Instead, there was a shower wall with four manacles. There were chains and loops across the whole room. There was only one piece of furniture in the whole room, and that was a wooden chair with four pairs of black boxer shorts on it.

"Strip and put your clothes in the chute on the wall. Put on the Shorts." One of the Men Said. The boys obeyed, afraid of what the men would do. After they had the boxers on, the men replaced the handcuffs with the manacles attached to the bed. By the time the men were done, two boys were strapped on each bed so tight they couldn't move. To complete the setup, each boy's sock was used as a gag and shirt used as a blindfold. The men, satisfied with their work, left the room.

**

Dale couldn't remember a time when he felt any more alone. Even though his best friend was right next to him, he couldn't talk, couldn't move, couldn't do anything. The men didn't even let him use the bathroom. Now, with a shameful look on his face, he was forced to go in his pants. Nathan had done the same a couple of hours ago, he wouldn't judge. Dale sighed, and against all odds, he went to sleep.