## help me please!

Post by subman1138 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:28 pm

me and my girlfriend have a very close relationship. we are madly in love and have every intention of spending the rest of our lives together. i have always been into bondage and i introduced it to her a long time ago in our relationship. she had never really thought of it, but the idea was intriguing, so she gave it a whirl. conveniently, she ended up getting into it and really enjoyed it. she mainly tied me up and we both preferred it that way, but did experiment the other way around too. anyway, we had a wonderful relationship of bondage and 'vanilla' intimate encounters. recently, however, she has started associating bondage with bad things like real kidnapping and rape which causes her to feel too 'dirty' and uncomfortable to have fun with it anymore. i however still really love bondage and want to continue playing with it. this negative association is mostly due to things she has recently read, about rape and kidnapping in articles and on tv. but the biggest factor was a book she had to read for a class: The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld. it is about a serial murderer who ties up and gags and whips (many things we did in the bedroom) his victims and rapes then and then kills them. this really stirred her and she cant see herself doing this stuff with me anymore. i tired to convince her that it is totally different because we are consensual and we love each other and would never actually hurt the other, but she cant get the negative association out of her head.
does anyone have any helpful ideas to get my girlfriend comfortable with bondage play again?
thank you guys and girls

### Re: help me please!

Post by subman1138 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:45 pm

oh and i forgot to mention:
she liked the feeling of being "bad" with the bondage stuff, but now, after her new found perception of the act, she doesnt want to be "bad" anymore. i dont know if that is helpful, but i really am at a loss as to what to do.

### Re: help me please!

Post by SamanthaBoundx » Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:57 am

Sounds like a tricky situation =(
The only thing you can realy do is make it very clear to her that rape fantasies and bondage have NOTHING to do with an actual desire to be raped. Engaging in bondge is completely normal - infact, behind threesomes, its the most commonly reported bedroom fantasy. Its just an expression of dominance and/or submission which is usually pyschological. If you take a look in any standard magazines for older teenagers and young women (Cosmopolitan, for example), then quite often they discuss things like this - there have been some really interesting articles about it actually, but all of them highlight how NORMAL it is - as long as its always consensual. Just suggest to her that you give it a go a few more times before she makes her mind up.
But hey, if she doesnt come round then at least youre left with a very loving relationship! There are other ways of satisfying TUG fantasies - a true relationship is worth a lot more than that. So theres alwaysa bright side!

### Re: help me please!

Post by subman1138 » Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:35 am

Thanks for your response. I have already made it clear that our bondage play has nothing to do with me or her actually wanting to hurt the other in any way, shape, or form. But still, seeing me in ropes and gagged just makes her think of people actually being held against their will and freaks her out. And she knows its normal, she reads Cosmo and she knows its a popular thing.

> There are other ways of satisfying TUG fantasies

And haha, what other ways are there to fulfill TUG fantasies without her? I mean my bondage fetish is pretty much strictly sexual, being tied up gets me aroused, so I cant do it with anyone else. As far as I'm concerned that is cheating.

### Re: help me please!

Post by SamanthaBoundx » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:31 pm

Ah, fair enough - sorry my advice wasnt any more useful xD
And there are other ways of having TUG fun that dont involve actually doing them - though I know that thats nowhere near as good. But I think the main thing is that shes still comfortable with the fact that you enjoy them. It means that you can happily talk on this forum, watch TUG videos etc. Like I said, nothing compares to actually physically doing it, but you dot have to make any secrets about it and you can stil enjoy it in other forms.
The only other thing I can think of is to try and slowly reintroduce it to your sex life. Start off timidly, just use a blindfold or something that doesnt really have conotations of rape whatsoever. Then go on to build up more and more things until you get closer to TUGs again -for instance, start by asking her to pin you, get her to tie you up in non-sexual play situations etc. If you talk about it a lot too then it will also help. Its a very basic method of Systematic Desensitisation. Drop me a message if you want me to explain it a little more. Its a widely used technique for dealing with fears so it may or may not work, but anythings worth a try,right??
I hope things improve for you!

### Re: help me please!

Post by anjell » Tue Nov 16, 2010 2:54 pm

I know when this kind of thing really bugged me i took me months to get over it. What i think you need to do is sit down and talk about it to her, and you might want to start out slow again example spend the day handcuffed together.
Let's use all the colors.
Dust 'em, Pix!
Yup! That tasted purple!

### Re: help me please!

Post by subman1138 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:35 am

well thank you for your suggestions, i really do appreciate it. i think im just going to give this stuff a break for a little while and then try to slowly reintroduce it as you suggested. as i said, its not like it is the only thing that gets me off, but it is definitely a thrill i do not want to have to live without. i do like the idea of spending the day handcuffed together, anjell, that sounds like it could be fun : p
again, thank you for your help, and if anyone else has more suggestions, feel free to let me know!
thanks!

### Re: help me please!

Post by anjell » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:43 am

It is fun, well at lest it was for me. If you try it know where the keys are (speeching from experience here lol).
Let's use all the colors.
Dust 'em, Pix!
Yup! That tasted purple!