Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Sat Nov 05, 2016 4:27 pm

Hello guys!

After going through some of the threads of this site and realizing that 90% of the stories are either fake or heavily embellished, I figured I'd write a short guide on how you should (if you want) approach bondage/bdsm in real life (before anyone gets hurt).

Feel free to ignore this whole thread if you think you are a BONDAGE GOD/GODDESS who can find hot people to tie up any day of the week.


First off I should probably introduce myself. My name is Robin and I'm a 24 year old girl from Somewhere in Europe. I'm bisexual and I currently have a girlfriend with whom I indulge in plenty of bondage with (switch). We met about 3 years ago on a rope/bondage/fetish party and have been together ever since.


Anyway, moving on~


If you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend (or have one who isn't into it but doesn't mind you exploring), I'd say the best way to get a lasting (and hopefully recurring) experience is to go to a rope workshop/meeting.

These kind of events are held weekly/monthly depending on where you live and it's basically what it sounds like. You go to a place, meet people, tie them up or get tied up. It can be either for practice or to drown in subspace/domspace, whatever you feel like that day.

The best way to find out if your area has a rope workshop is to go on a social media like Fetlife. Note that some of these require you to go to a so called "Munch" first. A Munch is basically a meeting with people in a normal environment (bar, cafe, restaurant, or whatever), where you can meet other people and get a feel of them. It's usually to make sure you are comfortable with them and they are comfortable with you (since ropes can be quite an intimate act even between two strangers). Be yourself. Don't try to be someone you're not because people will notice. Don't try to impress.
What most people (especially women) don't like are young men who call themselves "masters" with pretty much no experience (since for most people master is a title you earn after a lot of trust and a long ass relationship). Seriously. You have no idea how many insecure guys I've seen on Munches. It's ridiculous. Don't be this dude.

What kind of rope bondage people like to do also depends on where you live (some say the European scene is a lot more "hardcore" than the American, for example). A lot, and I mean a LOT of people practice Shibari/Kinbaku (especially in my area). And if that's not your thing, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to do your own thing, but you will probably look like the odd one. Also, keep in mind that most people are usually very open minded so if you don't want to be tied up/tie up a guy/girl just say so.

I would highly recommend a course in SAFETY (ESPECIALLY for Shibari since it puts a LOT of strain on the body during suspensions/more elaborate ties). And hygiene if possible. It doesn't matter whether you only want to tie or only want to be tied (in my experience, switching is the only way to actually become good at any of them since you are able to put yourself in their spot).

NEGOTIATION. Before you start a tie, you usually start a negotiation. What do you want to happen, what can you expect, where are you sensitive, blabla. For the most part it's just the dom asking the sub questions or the sub blabbing, but there are plenty of things to cover if you've never met this person before. Any allergies, phobias... things can go so wrong so quickly if you don't negotiate. Sometimes I honestly feel like this is mainly to prevent the dom from having too much freedom to do what they want.

COMMUNICATION. Communication is probably THE most important thing. Essentially, it is the doms responsibility to communicate to the sub (through words or actions) depending on how they react (since being in subspace can sometime mean you lose sense of what's happening around you)
The sub has the responsibility to inform the dom if something feels wrong (arm starting to tingle, hard to breathe, whatever). Failing to do so can result in permanent nerve damage (also the dom's job to keep track of these things). A red flag for any sub is an irresponsible dom (someone who doesn't listen). A good sub knows their limits and how to communicate actively and properly. I know this may take away the "magic" sometimes but once you have a partner you will sooner or later know their limits and desires inside out. Or you can try and be creative.

So, yes there is a lot of responsibility involved in bondage. It's not just a walk in the park or a quick wank. Bring a pair of scissors. Never drink alcohol.


Sorry for the messy structure - I just kept going. I probably forgot a bunch of stuff that I might edit in later, but if you have any questions or need help with anything, don't hesitate to ask here in this thread and I will answer whenever I can.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Vector5227 » Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:23 am

This actually really helps! Thank you...

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby RiaTheGaggedGirl » Wed Nov 09, 2016 2:27 pm

Nice, this kinda helps :D
message meee :bound:

No, I don't have kik.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby cellofello » Thu Nov 10, 2016 1:34 am

Nicely done. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

There is one thing you mentioned I'm a bit curious about, as I have been exposed to the American scene (at least, in my home area of Washington, DC and quite a few years ago as a visitor in New York), but never Europe. You said some consider the European scene more "hardcore" than the American. I'm curious as to some more detail and/or examples of what you mean by that, if you can elaborate. There's definitely a lot of shibari over here as well.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Saikiran590 » Thu Nov 10, 2016 3:07 am

Hello,

Greetings,

Here im male(22 years) slave or submissive, want to get tied up by females(mistress), im from a country where there is no knowledge about Bondage and BDSM, here I dont have any experience but still want to do as slave or submissive in shows or any websites, can any one help me out?

Thanks in advance..
:bound:

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Fesselfan » Thu Nov 10, 2016 5:01 am

Saikiran590 wrote:Hello,

Greetings,

Here im male(22 years) slave or submissive, want to get tied up by females(mistress), im from a country where there is no knowledge about Bondage and BDSM, here I dont have any experience but still want to do as slave or submissive in shows or any websites, can any one help me out?

Thanks in advance..


No bondage and BDSM in India? I do have my doubts...

just 5 seconds of googling "india bdsm":

https://www.quora.com/How-popular-is-th ... in-India-1
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life ... 937611.cms

Hope that adjusting some of your false assumptions will make it easier for you
There are 10 kind of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numeral system, and those who don't.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby BoundSub » Thu Nov 10, 2016 7:19 pm

Thank you for making this post! I was just about to start a similar thread asking if people here have had success finding like minded partners offline.

I'm currently going through the process of finding guys to tie me up (gay submissive here) and while it's difficult, it's very much doable. I've had some success but am still searching for a reliable bondage buddy(ies) to regularly meetup with... it's a process though with finding like minded guys.

I'll add while online sites like Fetlife (and Recon for gay/ bi guys) do have their purpose your success rate of connecting with people at workshops, munches, events and clubs is likely to be a bit higher since I've found there are a LOT of flakey people on these sites... not to mention fake accounts. With that said one thing I do wish online kink communities and forums would do more of is hosting or encouraging meetups so members can meet each other and connect in person but that's for another thread.

I think also lot of people are somewhat embarrassed or ashamed about there bondage interests and kinks but bondage is one of the most common ones out there. I've found the sooner the better since waiting only leads to regret of potential missed opportunities. Happy hunting!

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Fri Nov 11, 2016 4:06 am

@Cellofello: I'd say it's moreso that the light bondage that is way more common in the states (like the kind of bondage you see in videos) doesn't really exist in Europe (or at the very least, is really really not very popular or common during workshops and is mostly practiced in the bedroom). The hardcore stuff (vacuum beds, latex, heavy bondage suspensions shiz, think Germany haha) exists in America too of course. The style is different, however. The gag is honestly what usually symbolizes the "american" style, usually panties or a ballgag.

Since a lot of people practice Kinbaku in Europe, they mostly use a piece of rope and it's more for the aesthetics and not the purpose of gagging someone. It's more "emotional", intimate and artistic. And quite honestly, it's not my thing at all but I do enjoy watching it on the stage.


@Boundsub: Finding people is really not hard, but finding the right one is (and that goes for everyone). A lot of people are polyamorous, meaning they want to have more than 1 partner. Some people are cool with that, some aren't. Don't ever let anyone tell you what is right or wrong about that. Being gay, you need to be a bit cautious though. If you stay on kink communities, I guess it's fine as long as you go to munches.

Just don't end up on the more dating/DTF/fuck buddies kinda sites. A lot of these people tend to swarm the kink communities too; they don't realize the difference between a community and whatever they're looking for. These people are usually not really into BDSM (or have just read 50 shades), don't really respect it, or just want to tie you up and fuck you because why not. Just be catious if you feel you're around people who just want to fuck your brains out, that's all. Not to be judgmental but I've noticed a lot of gay (especially men) people are very freaking horny very freaking often.

Best of luck.



Quick story. I have a friend who is into bondage. I let him tie me up a few times - he thought of himself as dominant. He used to be the kind of guy who just went to work, came home and watched netflix. Didn't really do much, didn't really go out every Friday, collected Animes. Really nice guy. He lives in a small town and told me there are probably no events anywhere near him anyway. I told him to go to one of these communities and it didn't take long until he found out that there actually was an event he could go to. He was thrilled, and a bit nervous of course. He went to the munch, everything went well. He told me he was just being himself.

The first rope meeting he met a woman whom he clicked with. They tied each other there (he was still a rookie at shibari) and afterwards they decided to have a private meeting at her place.

Fast forwarding - he now meets her regularly and has become her sub (she's apparently rather dominant). They're doing a lot of BDSM-ish games and he has realized he really has a "girly" side which she noticed and asked him about. Now she forces him to do embarrassing stuff like wearing girly clothes while doing chores for her, that kinda stuff.

He's doing better than ever, he told me.

This all happened over about 2 months.

So yeah, people. Anything can happen - you just have to be willing to try. Life is life. Things change.

I would have never thought I'd be in a relationship with a gorgeous, amazing and intelligent girl when I was in high school and had a boyfriend.
Nor would I ever have imagined to be hogtied and gagged on her bed during our first date. Shit, time flies.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby cellofello » Sat Nov 12, 2016 11:21 pm

Starlight wrote:@Cellofello: I'd say it's moreso that the light bondage that is way more common in the states (like the kind of bondage you see in videos) doesn't really exist in Europe (or at the very least, is really really not very popular or common during workshops and is mostly practiced in the bedroom). The hardcore stuff (vacuum beds, latex, heavy bondage suspensions shiz, think Germany haha) exists in America too of course. The style is different, however. The gag is honestly what usually symbolizes the "american" style, usually panties or a ballgag.


Thanks for your answer.

The US is a very large country, so it's quite possible things are different in other areas of the country than my own. I've heard (though cannot confirm from personal observation) that the scene in San Francisco is as hardcore as anyone could want. There is also a difference between what I consider "the scene" (enthusiasts who belong to BDSM groups and go to munches and play parties) and people who just do it in their own bedrooms without making it a part of their social lives in the wider world. At least around me, there are lots of shibari and suspension enthusiasts in the scene. I've seen the occasional vac bed. Since those are kind of expensive and are more susceptible to damage than other toys, I've never seen a club that had one as part of its equipment - only individuals who graciously brought one to a play party to demonstrate. I will say that I've only seen a few heavy rubber enthusiasts here.

Should you ever get to this side of the ocean, feel free to hit me up for suggestions on finding the scene here so you can judge for yourself. Even if it's not in the DC area, I have contacts for other parts of the country.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby freyjaceleste862 » Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:16 am

never lose something important like scissors, cutters or handcuff keys.
love cooking, panty/knicker gags, nappies, handicapped.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Vector5227 » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:04 am

Starlight wrote:@Cellofello: I'd say it's moreso that the light bondage that is way more common in the states (like the kind of bondage you see in videos) doesn't really exist in Europe (or at the very least, is really really not very popular or common during workshops and is mostly practiced in the bedroom). The hardcore stuff (vacuum beds, latex, heavy bondage suspensions shiz, think Germany haha) exists in America too of course. The style is different, however. The gag is honestly what usually symbolizes the "american" style, usually panties or a ballgag.

Since a lot of people practice Kinbaku in Europe, they mostly use a piece of rope and it's more for the aesthetics and not the purpose of gagging someone. It's more "emotional", intimate and artistic. And quite honestly, it's not my thing at all but I do enjoy watching it on the stage.


@Boundsub: Finding people is really not hard, but finding the right one is (and that goes for everyone). A lot of people are polyamorous, meaning they want to have more than 1 partner. Some people are cool with that, some aren't. Don't ever let anyone tell you what is right or wrong about that. Being gay, you need to be a bit cautious though. If you stay on kink communities, I guess it's fine as long as you go to munches.

Just don't end up on the more dating/DTF/fuck buddies kinda sites. A lot of these people tend to swarm the kink communities too; they don't realize the difference between a community and whatever they're looking for. These people are usually not really into BDSM (or have just read 50 shades), don't really respect it, or just want to tie you up and fuck you because why not. Just be catious if you feel you're around people who just want to fuck your brains out, that's all. Not to be judgmental but I've noticed a lot of gay (especially men) people are very freaking horny very freaking often.

Best of luck.



Quick story. I have a friend who is into bondage. I let him tie me up a few times - he thought of himself as dominant. He used to be the kind of guy who just went to work, came home and watched netflix. Didn't really do much, didn't really go out every Friday, collected Animes. Really nice guy. He lives in a small town and told me there are probably no events anywhere near him anyway. I told him to go to one of these communities and it didn't take long until he found out that there actually was an event he could go to. He was thrilled, and a bit nervous of course. He went to the munch, everything went well. He told me he was just being himself.

The first rope meeting he met a woman whom he clicked with. They tied each other there (he was still a rookie at shibari) and afterwards they decided to have a private meeting at her place.

Fast forwarding - he now meets her regularly and has become her sub (she's apparently rather dominant). They're doing a lot of BDSM-ish games and he has realized he really has a "girly" side which she noticed and asked him about. Now she forces him to do embarrassing stuff like wearing girly clothes while doing chores for her, that kinda stuff.

He's doing better than ever, he told me.

This all happened over about 2 months.

So yeah, people. Anything can happen - you just have to be willing to try. Life is life. Things change.

I would have never thought I'd be in a relationship with a gorgeous, amazing and intelligent girl when I was in high school and had a boyfriend.
Nor would I ever have imagined to be hogtied and gagged on her bed during our first date. Shit, time flies.



Wow... Is that story really true...? I would love to find a Dom female but think it would never happen because... Well I'm a sub in college and extremely shy... I wouldn't even know where to begin...

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:27 am

@Vector5227: Yes, the story is 100% true. It was during the LGBTQ Pride festival (where they have a "kinky part") where he first tested the shibari stuff. And he had never been tied up before. He got tied up by three different girls there and told me he was absolutely hooked. After that he became more and more into the idea of joining the community since he at first didn't think it was very active or even existed around his area. He was ecstatic when he found out there was one event (which they didn't host very often and only by demand if people showed up since it was at someone's home).

They live 2 or 3 hours apart so they don't meet TOO often, since they both have busy lives (actually, mostly she does). I keep asking him for details on skype, but they do a lot of sexual stuff too which is something he tends to keep private. The only details he has shared with me are buttplugs, spankings, crawling around while tied up and serving her tea (wearing girly clothes), and just other types of humiliation. And as a landing, a lot of cuddling and hugging and chatting in the bed until early morning. All in all, it sounds like they have a pretty healthy relationship even though it's just at the start and things tend to be very easy then (since both parts are usually very, uh, horny and willing to do things for lack of a better word).

@cellofello:

Yeah, it is a bit generalizing to say either is more hardcore than the other. But the "light bondage" that a lot of bondage video producers make used to be from the states and that kinda made it easier for that scene to grow there. I mostly base my assumptions on what my friends have been telling me. I know a lot of people who are into the scene in the States and I've been in touch with some (one of the bondage producer/models being JJ Plush who does a lot of typical "american bondage"). And like you said, and also from what I've heard, it depends on where you are. I wouldn't be surprised at all if SF is really hardcore since I know it used to be the kink capital anyway, haha.

In general, I prefer that a lot more than the Kinbaku/shibari stuff. Each to their own.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Vector5227 » Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:19 am

Ok... Guess it's just a matter of putting myself out there huh..?

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby cellofello » Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:58 am

Starlight wrote:@cellofello:

Yeah, it is a bit generalizing to say either is more hardcore than the other. But the "light bondage" that a lot of bondage video producers make used to be from the states and that kinda made it easier for that scene to grow there. I mostly base my assumptions on what my friends have been telling me. I know a lot of people who are into the scene in the States and I've been in touch with some (one of the bondage producer/models being JJ Plush who does a lot of typical "american bondage").


I like JJ Plush's videos! She tends to do a lot of mouth-stuffed tape gags, which I like - done correctly, it is the most effective way of gagging someone. And her bondage is pretty tight when she has a flexible model. How did you happen to come into contact with her, if you don't mind my asking?

I'm wondering if one of the dividing lines in videos is storyline vs. no storyline. The less hardcore videos IMO usually seem to have some sort of storyline - kidnapping, robbery, jealous girlfriend/wife vs. the other woman, etc. The more hardcore ones in my experience just go straight into the bondage and other activities, with no reason why the top is tying the bottom other than the bondage itself. That's not an absolute - some of the "gentler" videos also have no real story - but I'm thinking of sites like the one with a spider at the start of the videos. (Those are so explicit that I won't mention its name. The TUGs Videos section specifies no adult content, and we are in the non-adult TUGs Talk.)

Does that tendency hold true in European-made videos? I have not seen many of those.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Sun Nov 13, 2016 3:16 pm

cellofello wrote:
I like JJ Plush's videos! She tends to do a lot of mouth-stuffed tape gags, which I like - done correctly, it is the most effective way of gagging someone. And her bondage is pretty tight when she has a flexible model. How did you happen to come into contact with her, if you don't mind my asking?

I'm wondering if one of the dividing lines in videos is storyline vs. no storyline. The less hardcore videos IMO usually seem to have some sort of storyline - kidnapping, robbery, jealous girlfriend/wife vs. the other woman, etc. The more hardcore ones in my experience just go straight into the bondage and other activities, with no reason why the top is tying the bottom other than the bondage itself. That's not an absolute - some of the "gentler" videos also have no real story - but I'm thinking of sites like the one with a spider at the start of the videos. (Those are so explicit that I won't mention its name. The TUGs Videos section specifies no adult content, and we are in the non-adult TUGs Talk.)

Does that tendency hold true in European-made videos? I have not seen many of those.


I contacted her - as simple as that. :) Oh yes, I love stuff gags as well. And so does my girlfriend, even though she didn't at first (she has asthma so I tend to use other gags, but she doesn't mind gagging the shit out of me).

Coincidentally, she (along with a few other riggers I know) agrees that you can't become a great rigger/dom/top until you've tried being a bottom/sub. You learn so much from the experience and being able to put yourself in the sub's position helps your skills to dom tremendously.

Regarding videos - I do know some British ones are very similar to the "american bondage". Other than that there aren't really that many big producers in Europe that do light bondage (like FM Concepts, for example). I can't say for sure - I never really watch videos, but I've met a lot of riggers and have been tied by them, so I trust their words. Mostly. Times change.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:23 am

Vector5227 wrote:Ok... Guess it's just a matter of putting myself out there huh..?


First of all, most real dommes aren't really into internet roleplay. And if that's what you're looking for, well, anyone can be a "female domme" on the internet.

Some women want to use men as "money slaves", so be careful. Unless it's something both sides fully give their consent to.

Don't be desperate because women will know and it's not an attractive trait, but be curious. On some websites you can check in "Guidance" on the "Looking for" boxes. This is how I met a domme in her mid 30s (who is now a good friend) who introduced me to the scene and really "showed me the ropes" so to speak. She was polyamorous and bisexual but I explained I wasn't really looking for a poly-relationship. We went to parties together. She introduced me to people she knew in the scene and basically got me into the whole thing. Very grateful for that.

Admittedly, I was very lucky to run into her. We had been chatting quite a bit prior to meeting up over lunch and I had asked her a bunch of weird questions regarding pretty much everything kink related. Honestly, I feel like it's way easier for me as a female to find people. There are just so many men (especially submissive) who put themselves out there and they usually act very desperate (which is a BIG turn off for most women). This is just my opinion but so far I feel like it's true. Women also tend to trust other women easier.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Vector5227 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:51 am

Yeah... I recently went on a site for this exclusively and I was blown away by the ratio of Dommes to make subs. I think for every Donne their must have been about 30-40 male subs... It's crazy. But yeah, I've been talking to a girl on another site and we're almost at the point of meeting in person and seeing how that goes, but, and this is just my luck, she hasn't responded in a long time... So I'm kind of stuck.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Fri Nov 18, 2016 9:58 am

Vector5227 wrote:Yeah... I recently went on a site for this exclusively and I was blown away by the ratio of Dommes to make subs. I think for every Donne their must have been about 30-40 male subs... It's crazy. But yeah, I've been talking to a girl on another site and we're almost at the point of meeting in person and seeing how that goes, but, and this is just my luck, she hasn't responded in a long time... So I'm kind of stuck.


I can tell you that most serious dommes really values intelligence over anything. Intelligence to know how to socialize, to know your limits, to understand your limits. And also the intelligence to understand that nothing happens over the internet. Realize that the chance of just magically meeting someone over the internet who is perfect for you is very low. Sure, it happens, but this is also why so many people who don't want to go out and socialize end up on sites like this where everything's just about roleplay and fantasy.

Go out, meet people. Chances are those other 30-40 male subs on the site are just that. Male subs on the internet. Contacting a woman over the internet (and on a kink community) is FAR more difficult than starting a conversation in real life.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Vector5227 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:20 am

So I should use the good sites for learning and reading up, and then go to munches and stuff to actually participate??

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby BoundSub » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:35 am

cellofello wrote:
Starlight wrote:@Cellofello: I'd say it's moreso that the light bondage that is way more common in the states (like the kind of bondage you see in videos) doesn't really exist in Europe (or at the very least, is really really not very popular or common during workshops and is mostly practiced in the bedroom). The hardcore stuff (vacuum beds, latex, heavy bondage suspensions shiz, think Germany haha) exists in America too of course. The style is different, however. The gag is honestly what usually symbolizes the "american" style, usually panties or a ballgag.


Thanks for your answer.

The US is a very large country, so it's quite possible things are different in other areas of the country than my own. I've heard (though cannot confirm from personal observation) that the scene in San Francisco is as hardcore as anyone could want. There is also a difference between what I consider "the scene" (enthusiasts who belong to BDSM groups and go to munches and play parties) and people who just do it in their own bedrooms without making it a part of their social lives in the wider world. At least around me, there are lots of shibari and suspension enthusiasts in the scene. I've seen the occasional vac bed. Since those are kind of expensive and are more susceptible to damage than other toys, I've never seen a club that had one as part of its equipment - only individuals who graciously brought one to a play party to demonstrate. I will say that I've only seen a few heavy rubber enthusiasts here.

Should you ever get to this side of the ocean, feel free to hit me up for suggestions on finding the scene here so you can judge for yourself. Even if it's not in the DC area, I have contacts for other parts of the country.


I'd be interested in your take on finding a scene as well.

I do agree that most non scene bondage enthusiasts in the US focus on Western style bondage which leans towards the lighter side of the bondage spectrum IMO. In the BDSM scene (from my limited experience of the gay BDSM scene in NYC and now Chicago that is) I also didn't see much rubber gear, vavbeds etc... Rubber and heavy bondage actually seems more common in Europe, especially Germany and northern Europe. Even when I went to Folsom East last year. Most guys had on those harnesses which are very popular (trendy?)

Add to the fact that a large percentage of younger gay/ bi guys interested in bondage have become more and more drawn to puppy play (which unfortunately I'm not really into so I'm out of the running as a potential play partner in their mind) and trying to navigate the BDSM scene seems even that more confusing and fragmented... :| But hopefully I'm wrong and have a feeling most people into bondage aren't part of the "scene" for various reasons. Thankfully, I'm into all sorts of bondage but even then finding a scene for me and like minded guys has been difficult for some reason. I guess it's a matter of putting yourself out there more just like anything else.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Fri Nov 18, 2016 11:01 am

BoundSub wrote:
I'd be interested in your take on finding a scene as well.

I do agree that most non scene bondage enthusiasts in the US focus on Western style bondage which leans towards the lighter side of the bondage spectrum IMO. In the BDSM scene (from my limited experience of the gay BDSM scene in NYC and now Chicago that is) I also didn't see much rubber gear, vavbeds etc... Rubber and heavy bondage actually seems more common in Europe, especially Germany and northern Europe. Even when I went to Folsom East last year. Most guys had on those harnesses which are very popular (trendy?)

Add to the fact that a large percentage of younger gay/ bi guys interested in bondage have become more and more drawn to puppy play (which unfortunately I'm not really into so I'm out of the running as a potential play partner in their mind) and trying to navigate the BDSM scene seems even that more confusing and fragmented... :| But hopefully I'm wrong and have a feeling most people into bondage aren't part of the "scene" for various reasons. Thankfully, I'm into all sorts of bondage but even then finding a scene for me and like minded guys has been difficult for some reason. I guess it's a matter of putting yourself out there more just like anything else.



I mean, there are so many different things people like. Some say you should be open to try new things to unlock an experience you didn't even know existed, some say you shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. It's up to people to decide for themselves, really.

I can't speak for anyone else but from what I have experienced with my girlfriend, Orgasm control. Is. Like. So. Freaking. Amazing. On. So. Many. Levels. I'm really thankful she introduced me to the idea.

Although we have only experimented with the lighter version of it. It has a learning curve for sure though. For example, she has tried to get me to the point where I'm about to come while tied up, only to stop. The first few times I came anyway lol and we both kinda laughed about it. She eventually got a lot better at reading my body language (and I helped her by making it obvious through moaning and stuff) and now she can be a real fucking bitch about it. But it sure builds up to the most amazing orgasm you've ever had.

Around my area, edgeplay, breathplay, needleplay, chastity games and ponyplay is trendy as hell. It doesn't really appeal to me though.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Devious.agent » Thu Nov 24, 2016 4:54 pm

Top-notch post, Starlight. I'll be following this infinitely informative thread for sure!

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby cellofello » Thu Nov 24, 2016 9:40 pm

Starlight wrote:I can tell you that most serious dommes really values intelligence over anything. Intelligence to know how to socialize, to know your limits, to understand your limits.


Indeed. I know a man now in his 50s who has had over the years non-paying personal relationships with three pro dommes. And it is precisely because he is highly intelligent, knows how to socialize (which includes treating the women as three-dimensional human beings instead of one-dimensional fantasy objects), knows himself, and, as you alluded to in a different post, he is exactly the same person with them as he is with anyone else, no pretense.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Fri Nov 25, 2016 5:24 am

Aftercare.

This is one of the most important steps, and whether you're doing bondage or shibari/kinbaku doesn't really matter. At the end of a session, there should always be aftercare. In my area we call this "landing" or "to land together". Normally, the dom/top takes care of the sub/bottom, hugging them or cuddling them. The dom asks if the session was good, if something went wrong, what could have been better. Communication, basically. It's REALLY important for your relationship to speak up if you feel you have been violated or if a limit has been breached.

Aftercare is EVEN MORE IMPORTANT if you are having a session with a complete stranger during a rope workshop. I've seen many cases of people being pissed off because of bad aftercare and people not speaking up. It could be anything. For example, some guy groped this girl he had tied (which is rather common during shibari/kinbaku) but apparently she ABSOLUTELY DID NOT want him to do it despite not communicating it to him prior to the session. It ended up in a "war" on social media between subs and doms instead.

Aftercare differs from person to person. Sometimes it depends on how heavily you are affected by subspace. I know a girl who gets so rope-drunk (she's doing kinbaku) that she can barely even talk after being untied and is in a half-trance state. For me, that's pretty scary as it would take a lot of responsibility from me if I wanted to tie her up. So I haven't! :P

Personally, me and my girlfriend just cuddle a bit for maybe half an hour (when we do sessions at home) before taking a shower or bath together. I don't really need much aftercare from her since we've been together for a while now. Our sessions usually end with me getting a round of orgasms either being vibed, or something else. If I'm lucky, she unties me because orgasms tend to take away the fun and excitement in being tied up and usually makes me want to get loose immediately. It leaves me quite exhausted too, so all I really need is a few minutes of rest. It's not my limit - just a spur of the moment kind of thing because if she keeps me tied long enough for me to get that spark back, we can basically start all over again.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Sat Nov 26, 2016 1:33 am

Expecations and setting up a Scene

If you have NEVER been tied up before, what you really need is to have REALISTIC expectations. When people say "Oh I want to be tied up and gagged soooo tightly <3" they either mean it more as a figure of speech (not being able to get out) or they have never been tied up before. Usually it's the latter.

If you've seen a photo or video with a tie that makes you think "That doesn't look so tight", chances are it still FEELS really tight. It requires some practice to be able to endure really tight positions, and some will never even be able to do it simply because their body is not agile enough.

The BEST thing is not to be "tied up tightly". It is to be tied up tight and COMFORTABLE. There are many tips and tricks to be able to do this. My best advice, if you're tying someone, is to ask your bottom to struggle slightly as you wrap and cinch the rope - this will create a kind of a "rope handcuff". If you don't make it too tight, it will be comfortable and completely inescapable. Not tying too tight requires PRACTICE so you get a feel to HOW TIGHT you should pull depending on rope length and material, etc. Make sure the rope is always straight and doesn't pass over or under each other. Be sure to communicate with your bottom/sub. Always remember that bondage can leave you with permanent nerve damage so BE CAREFUL.

Being tied up is exhausting. Struggling can make your bonds even tighter which eventually may hurt. I go to the gym 5 times a week (used to go more) - building up your stamina will help you. The first few times I was tied up, I barely even struggled and just lay completely still. Then I started to struggle more but it made my bonds a lot tighter so I didn't stay tied up for that long. I told my girlfriend and we tried different solutions and practiced and practiced because she thought the effort to tie up and then untie was actually longer than the time I actually stayed tied up.

Keep in mind that people in bondage videos are professionals. The more they can do the more job opportunities they will get.

Of course it is possible to endure long term bondage - I know a 60 year old who endures 12 hour sessions - wiggling around is fine too.

Gags. The first time I was gagged I couldn't get over how silly I sounded, so the first few times I was relatively quiet, only a few moans here and there. This affected my girlfriend. I gradually got better at sounding convincingly pissed which made it easier for her to also get into a "role". And as I am now very comfortable with it, we can have some real fun. It also heavily affects my orgasms but that may just be a veeeery personal thing.

I think everyone knows you need to be careful with gags. I think everyone has seen people in the news who died because they weren't. I started with just a scarf. Then I tried a ballgag (be sure to get the ball BEHIND your teeth or it will hurt your jaw like crazy after a while). Wearing a ballgag is something you need to get used to by practicing because it may hurt your jaw after a while. Some days I would put it on just for practice purposes (not kidding, my girlfriend is a big fan of ballgags whereas I'm not, but you could say I do it out of love or something).

A gag is the ultimate tool of submission. It strips away your last bit of freedom and puts you entirely in your partner's hands where no safeword will save you (just kidding, just blink 3 times or something). This is why it's also a beautiful thing because it's where the trust and love you have to your
partner is put to test (can still be love even if you're not in a relationship).

If you're with a complete stranger during a rope workshop, YOU SHOULD NEVER GAG SOMEONE WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. They might have a gag reflex, or something worse. Never do this. Unless they tell you that they want to be gagged, don't assume they do. Not everyone is a fan of the gag. You'd be surprised.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby MisterBones » Sat Nov 26, 2016 6:52 am

This thread is incredibly helpful!
I have ocs or whatever

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:21 am

Also, if you're a girl - I know a few professional riggers and producers who are still very much into bondage themselves. They usually don't turn down an offer from a curious girl who wants to try being tied up and gagged. Most of them are based in California (Los Angeles) and I know one or two around Canada (Vancouver/Toronto). Very cool people which I have also met in real life. And yes, they have their own business, websites and models too, so it's not some kind of trafficking conspiracy thingy lol. Some of them you might even have heard of before.

So if you're from around that area I could probably hook you up. :)

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby BoundSub » Sat Dec 17, 2016 6:37 pm

Really excellent follow post about bondage safety Starlight.

I remember doing a self bondage session when I was new where I tried to copy what I something I saw online where using a lot of ropes that, combining Shibari and western style that looked fairly tight with complicated knots, someone who was a seasoned pro (MrKristofer) did the tying and knew what they were doing it. I made mine a bit too tight and struggling made them even tighter. Was trapped for a couple of hours and my torso and lower back were sore for days afterwards- not advised. Bondage is much safer when there's someone knowledgeable and experienced tying you up.

People also need to take care with not cutting off circulation to limbs and extremities- especially during scenes where suspension is involved.

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby shoxlover » Tue Dec 27, 2016 1:17 pm

Thanks for this! I've been trying to find a rope bunny for lack of better term to let me tie up after leaving my girlfriend, obviously not easy lol.

I've been looking ar munches on FetLife in Oklahoma, but I'm really nervous to go lol

Re: Bondage 101 and How to find a Partner

Postby Starlight » Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:51 pm

As of late--partially thanks to the infamous Fifty Shade books/movies--BDSM seems to have become very mainstream in a really short time. Personally, I find it that most girls are open to try it AT LEAST once these days (I've had several sessions with different girls, my colleagues talk about it from time to time, and my friends say they have noticed the same trend). Unfortunately, this isn't based on some scientific/empirical data or study, but I think it's pretty obvious when Youtubers are using bondage thumbnails as clickbait, bondage memes popping up here and there on your facebook feed, and people talking about it in public more. So get out there and roll the dice!

Although, it could be more difficult if you don't live in a more open-minded area.