The fairy tales we have grown up with are sanitized Disney versions that are meant to amuse small children. Numerous details have been altered to reduce the stories to bland shadows of their former glory. Originally they were meant to entertain adults and were full of sex and violence and the occasional TUG. I have restored some of them to their former glory and would like to present a few of them to you.
The Tortoise and the Hare (Original Title - Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow)
Once upon a time there was a hare who, boasting how he could run faster than anyone else, was forever teasing tortoise for its slowness. Then one day, the irate tortoise answered back: ‘Who do you think you are? There’s no denying you’re swift, but even you can be beaten!’ The hare squealed with laughter.
‘Beaten in a race? By whom; not you, surely! I bet there’s nobody in the world that can win against me, I’m so speedy. Now, why don’t you try?’
Annoyed by such bragging, the tortoise accepted the challenge. A course was planned, and the next day at dawn they stood at the starting line. The hare dashed off leaving the tortoise behind. About half way along the course he yawned sleepily and decided to have a quick nap.
The hare woke with a start and gazed round, looking for the tortoise. The poor creature was only a short distance away, having barely covered a third of the course. Breathing a sigh of relief, the hare decided he might as well have breakfast too and off he went to munch some cabbages he had noticed in a nearby field. The heavy meal and the hot sun made his eyelids droop.
With a careless glance at the tortoise, now halfway along the course, he decided to have another snooze before flashing past the winning post. He awoke to a poke. It was the tortoise prodding him with a sharp claw. ‘Why did you do that?’ the hare asked. ‘I could have slipped by you and won while you were sleeping’ the tortoise replied ‘but that would be an insult to me. I want to win fair and square.’
‘You can’t win fair and square’ boasted the hare. ‘You are just too slow. Even if I somehow gave you an advantage I would still be better than you. I could still beat you with one hand tied behind my back!’
The tortoise said ‘Why don’t we put your ridiculous claim to the test?’ ‘I’m up for it’ shot back the conceited hare. The tortoise withdrew into his shell and rummaged through several boxes of odds and ends he had accumulated. He emerged again with a length of sturdy twine.
The hare, which towered over the lowly tortoise, lay down on his tummy and placed a foreleg behind his back. The tortoise lumbered over and tied one end around his paw. Then in a surprise move he reared up and dropped onto the hare. Pinning him down with his weight he pulled back the other paw and tied it also.
He slipped back into his shell again and retrieved another piece of twine. In another moment the hare was hog tied. A third piece of twine was tied around the hare’s long ears and then the other end was run back between his hind legs and a slip knot was tied around his balls. With every struggle the knot tightened and spasms of pain shot through the hare’s bound genitals. ‘What about fair and square?’ whined the hare. ‘I’m not sure what the hell square means’ said the sneaky reptile ‘but I know something about fair. It is said that all is fair in love and war. This is war and I love how it’s going to end.’
One more visit to the interior of his portable home and he appeared with an old red bandanna. ‘There will be no calling for help’ he told the hare as he gagged him ‘you’re on your own.’
The sun started to sink below the horizon and the tortoise, which had been plodding towards the winning post since morning, was scarcely a yard from the finish. At that very point, the hare managed to finally get free. He could see the tortoise a speck in the distance and away he dashed. He leapt and bounded at a great rate, his balls aching, his tongue lolling and gasping for breath. Just a little more and he’d be first at the finish. But the hare’s last leap was just too late, for the tortoise had beaten him to the winning post. Poor hare! Tired and in disgrace, he slumped down beside the tortoise who was smiling at him.
‘Slow and sure may win the race’ he said ‘but a good hog tie is also hard to beat!’