## help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:36 pm

we all know lying is bad (liar liar pants on fire!) but what if it's better than the truth, i guess u all got the point..lying to protect someone, to stop a bad event, to cover a dark truth.
but what's the right thing to do? there is my friend she trusts me so much as i do in return. there is an ugly truth and she asked me about it...if i tell her i know it will ruin her, she can't take it...at least as far as i know her. if i lie...then i betrayed her.
there is two point of view about that, one is that i should lie becuz it saves her, it protects her, at least for now and maybe later even if she finds out the truth ,she can handle it better. and yes then she will hate me for lying!!!
the other says she deserves to know the truth, whatever it is, and i can't hide it from her, i don't have the right to. she will know what to do it's up to her but my responsibility is to deliver the truth safe and maybe help her deal with it,
still i know it will hurt her so much which probably i can't do anything to help that!
what should i do? what would u do? and it's a real problem so pls try to help...

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by xtc » Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:03 pm

With the dilemma couched in such general terms, I don't see how anyone can give sensible advice. Sorry!
Boxer shorts are cool,
but little speedos rule!
More by the same author: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=22729

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:20 pm

don't be thnx for the help

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by EmperorDave » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:03 pm

Well I wanna help in any way I can, remember the truth will set you free and that is well true, it is tough to tell the truth I know but it is the right thing to do and if you care as much as you do then do it. At first it will be rough I know but at the end a weight will be lifted from your shoulders after the truth is told. Also it is better coming from you then from someone else

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:14 pm

yes u'r right about it:( the only thing i'm worried is she may take more damage than she can take and ...that makes me doubt about it. i know, we all know telling truth is the right thing, but what if it doesn't help, or even makes it worse...i can send more details for anyone who WANTS to help so u can understand the situation , i just don't feel right posting it in public for everyone to see!

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by burner59 » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:25 pm

You've confused me (and I know that you won't tell us,) and I'm just guessing here, but if this is something that everybody else knows, then telling her relly won't make much of a difference-but if it is something like the guy she likes doesn't like her back, you should try to tell her, because then she won't look like a fool in "certain," situations, but if I am not on target, then you should just tell her-she'll be even madder if she finds out from not you.
Hoped I helped.
Stay honest,
Burner
Requests accepted: 4
Requests published: 3
https://twitter.com/sawgdocter
./viewtopic.php?f=7&t=18087
http://everything4u.freeforums.org/index.php
http://www.scribd.com/burner49

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:37 am

as i said if u mind i can pm u details of the story, i don't want bothering anyone with that though. and i'm warning u the whole thing is so stupid but, yet it's real and i have to deal with it soon
btw thnx Burner and George for ur help

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by Jason Toddman » Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:12 pm

If it bothers you this much, then it isn't stupid to YOU.
Xtc has a point though; what you said is too vague for anything we say to be truly useful.
Saw an episode of Smallville once that showed how to deal with a secret though. Not sure I remember it all, but it goes something like this:
1. Is the secret about this friend, or someone else very close to him/her?
2. Does keeping the secret hurt your friend, or anyone else?
3. Will knowing the secret hurt her more than help her?
4. Is the secret REALLY any of your friend's business?
5. Are you certain that you are not unconsciously exaggerating the effects of revealing (or keeping) the secret?
There was more to it but that's the general idea.
Example 1: If your friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend who is cheating on them and you know it, should you tell your friend? If they ask, definitely yes. If not, no; MYOB. The fact that they ask point blank makes a difference. You're a busybody if you simply blurt it out; you're a concerned friend if they ask.
But...
Example 2: Your friend has a fatal disease with no cure and only a few months to live. Probably best to lie even if they suspect and ask.
A lot depends on what good would be achieved by knowing the truth. Not the only criterion but it's a big one.
Hope that helps somehow.
Dare to be different... and make a difference.
To boldly go where no one in their right mind has gone before...

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by burner59 » Thu Sep 13, 2012 4:05 pm

> ana-tie91 wrote:as i said if u mind i can pm u details of the story, i don't want bothering anyone with that though. and i'm warning u the whole thing is so stupid but, yet it's real and i have to deal with it soon
> btw thnx Burner and George for ur help

You can tell me, but only if you want to (and if you decide to tell me and say the truth to this person then don't mention that you told it to me, because your friend will never find out.) and I will be able to give you an honest opinion, and will never ever tell anybody about this.
(What, don't give me that look, cool guys can be honest XD)
Burner
Requests accepted: 4
Requests published: 3
https://twitter.com/sawgdocter
./viewtopic.php?f=7&t=18087
http://everything4u.freeforums.org/index.php
http://www.scribd.com/burner49

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by shoxlover » Thu Sep 13, 2012 9:23 pm

With the details given I'd say that if she absolutely can't handle it and it is for the better for her it may be best to not tell her right now but know that the guilt will take a massive toll on yourself as well so make sure you can deal with both knowing it and knowing you lied to her. The truth is rarely easy and sometimes maybe not the necessary path to take in certain instances but one way or another I think it would probably come out eventually so you'd be better off telling her now to get it over with. If you would like to PM me with the details that is fine because things change with each situation but this is how I see it with what we've been openly given.
Good luck

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:15 pm

hi again! first thnx for ur attention! many of u tried to help about the issue via pm and posting here, and i really appreciate it, just knowing anyone give a damn about me and my problem (honestly didn't expect this much!) and many asked about more details so i guess it's fair to tell the whole story here. but read if only u wanna help cuz i already know it's a stupid situation but here it is:
Sara is one close friend to me, she's pretty cute. kind and so sensitive. but also so fragile becuz she just passed a hard time after a disaster relationship! it took a long time for us (her friends) to help her back on her feet. and few months ago she met this new guy, seemed a nice boy, a bit older but she was happy with him...good news for us afterall, at first though!
then her paranoid got started, almost since this summer!
she's kept suspecting him for cheating behind her, and it got worse time by time, even though she asked me to help spying on him to figure it out (believe me i know it's no way ok but i had no choice!) and nothing came out bad about him. results showed he is really clean or if he's cheater he does it very good.
i thought after that Sara will let it go, but she was still crazy! and without firm evidence she just refereed to her woman-senses "i know there is someone!"
just to add it to the background i can't say she's wrong! i really don't like him, he is full of secrets and lies, and the way they got together,,,just let me say she dumped another girl to reach Sara! that easy? so yes i can't trust him either. but she knew it from the very first time and it's her fault now! in fact i tried to convince her that this one isn't the one...but she just ignored *sigh *
before u telling me..yeah i know it's her fault not mine so let it go...but pls! she's my old friend and no matter who's fault it is, i can't let her go. i have to help
ok sry for taking it long...short story ; i hardly convinced her to take some time, going for a short trip somewhere and refreshing her mind for a while....she accepted but just before it she gave me a number, asked me to check it.
it seems our guy was trying so hard to hide this num from Sara and denying it. but when she checked his phone when he was away she found it was called several times and all when he wasn't around her (she's been living in his apartment for about a month) enough for her "woman senses" to get suspicious .
i tried my best to convince her to let it go but she insisted and i accepted,but for the last time she promised. i think u can guess what...turned out it was a girl, and i'm not sure but i guess i know her voice ,say 60%. and as far as i know she is possible to be an affair .
now, i give u a hand here, i know what are quick answers:
1.tell her, don't make a big deal out of it
i was there when she broke last time in a same situation, she is really weak to take it...we killed ourselves to make her give up smoking, she got addicted in a month and only at her last of 18th. and now it's different... she's already nuts! God knows what she would do finding out. at least right now. she's not able to handle it! not easily.
2.tell him, let him know he should knock it off!
not so simple though! first of all i gave her my word i never mention it to him. but ignoring this there is possibility that i'm wrong, what happens? he gets angry aboutus spying on him and he will dump her! worse of worse! then she will hate me all along for breaking my promise...in the other hand if he's even a jackass he is also smartass! i believe if i do that he just denies and how i prove myself? then he will take advantage of Sara for ,again, spying on him and uses her for as long as he wants then dumps her...again!? and me , i become who did this to her, does she ever find out the truth? the devil bf wins X(
3. tell her what u know and help to find out the truth together.
it's not the first time, she had given me another strange number once before, it was a guy though . i just asked what if it was a girl? and she just answered "i kill myself" well i know she was exaggerating but with this start of our reasonable girl (?) how it will end up?
my guess: as far as i know her (very well) and according to her last relationship which was kinda same to this situation, i think she calls him "fu@k u i'm leaving" but she just wants him to explain it, finding some excuse not to leave, and then he explains it...lies , makes something up, whatever it takes to fool her again, and she will buy it! the rest of the story is she remains gf but always crazy about that girl...getting worse by time and ....crap i dont know what then!
u see i really don't know what to do , and if i keep it...is it right? i don't know again....damn i hate " i don't know" part
i cut it here whatu think? yeah u probably laugh and keep walking but...what i do?

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by Jason Toddman » Fri Sep 14, 2012 1:58 pm

Me, I'd simply cut the both of them out of my life altogether; they sound too high-maintenance to be worthwhile friends.
Of course, this may be one reason why currently I have no friends.
Dare to be different... and make a difference.
To boldly go where no one in their right mind has gone before...

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Fri Sep 14, 2012 2:21 pm

i see but ireally can't do that

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by burner59 » Fri Sep 14, 2012 3:25 pm

Well, after saying that the usual quick answers are unavailable, you leave only one option-Prove it-prove that he is not cheating.
If you truly believe that he is not cheating (but if he is and you go through with this and he does, your rep might be done for), then take her with you for a stakeout, don't end up getting caught, and prove it-if she still won't listen then approach him honestly and tell him, and then tell your friend, and if she calls you a bad friend, then say that she has been going paranoid and that he really isn't cheating and it could still just be trauma from her recent break-up.
If you cannot go through with this, then just use the quick answers.
Stay Calm,
Burner
Requests accepted: 4
Requests published: 3
https://twitter.com/sawgdocter
./viewtopic.php?f=7&t=18087
http://everything4u.freeforums.org/index.php
http://www.scribd.com/burner49

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by shoxlover » Fri Sep 14, 2012 8:21 pm

Tell her that she needs to have a talk with the dude about the stuff. If she's the one that suspected it in the first place then it's her job to say or do something, not yours. Explain to her that she should already know that he is not trustworthy since he left another girl for her. At that point the ball is in her court; if she dumps him you let her know you're there for her, if she decides to stay with him be there for her. Your job as her friend is not to solve her problems for her or help her to spy because of her paranoia, it is to be there for her when she needs you and help her along. Things like this are a part of life and she won't always have someone to do her dirty work for her and she needs to learn that. If you're worried about her harming herself because she's depressed or something that is also something you should bring up to her and suggest she get help. You sound like a good friend but things like this are not your problem to take care of and will eventually tear apart your friendship if it hasn't started to already.

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by Jason Toddman » Fri Sep 14, 2012 8:30 pm

> ana-tie91 wrote:i see but ireally can't do that

I didn't seriously expect that you would. I just felt it should be said, because a friendship IMO should never be a source of stress like this.
But Shoxlover has an excellent point. A friend should be supportive, but not an enabler. Don't do anything that violates your conscience; just try to talk her through it and get her over the emotional rough spots.
Dare to be different... and make a difference.
To boldly go where no one in their right mind has gone before...

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by mistofoleese » Sat Sep 15, 2012 8:54 am

Jason you make a fine point. Ann one thing Ive learned over the years was that you need to be straight with someone no matter what. If you tell it like it is , not sugar coating it things will be better for you in the long run. Ive been down this road before with what I used to do for a living. Its never easy but if you sit em down look em straight in the eye and tell them. Yeah its a risk but life is about taking risks.

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:12 am

thnx for everyone help...i have about two days before she's back at town so i wait to see more ideas if anyone cares...otherwise ishould see how i'll end this...again thnx for ur helps...each one of u
take care all

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Wed Sep 19, 2012 2:24 pm

well no one have cared about it anymore ...i expected it though....so if someone is here, i guess i should choose to "tell truth"! still not sure if it's the best to do but seems it's the rightest thing...thnx to every one who helped through it, now there is another problem...not so vital but here it is : now how i tell her!
it's already some days after i found the ugly truth, and she will be mad about it anyway...i don't care that she may hate me for keeping it even for few days..just want to make it the best possible way...if u had read my note u know she ...is kinda stupid to take it...so need to somehow do it with least hurt on her...i guess for start an outside meet would work. inside is...i don't know depressing right?! so any other idea?! how would u do it? and pls i know it looks so stupid and u probably laugh at me but i'm really stuck here!!! help:(

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by shoxlover » Thu Sep 20, 2012 8:57 pm

I say just meet her for lunch or something and talk with her about it then. There are some things that there really is no good or easy way to bring up and this is one of them. Just go with what feels right. You'll know.

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:15 am

i'm gonna meet her tomorrow ...just wish me luck ...heh like anyone give a damn!

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by shoxlover » Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:58 am

Best of luck. We wouldn't have given you advice if we didn't give a damn

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Sat Sep 22, 2012 11:42 am

yeah sry u'r right!

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by Fesselfan » Tue Sep 25, 2012 12:39 am

I hope you are still open for thoughts?
From what I read here, you have a real problem. And that problem is not the details you write about- your problem is that your friend dumps *her* problems with her relationship on you.
She doesnt trust that guy- fair decision, no matter if there is reason for that or not (like the phone number. That could have millions of explanations- one could be an affair, another one she is simply a good friend).
But that is something these two need to sort out. If I would be in her situation, I would tell my friend that I offer all emotional support I can, and any reasonable help...but that she has to really solve such problems herself. She should talk to her guy- and if she still cannot trust him, well that would be no relationship I would like to live in anymore.
Hope that helps a bit
FF
There are 10 kind of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numeral system, and those who don't.

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Tue Sep 25, 2012 4:22 am

as a matter of fact i still need thoughts! yeah i just didn't tell her last time and don't blame me she just started aabout "oh how i love him" and telling lovely stuff about their relationship and so on...how the hell could i tell her like that! sigh*...well i try later that i know for sure but now!
anyway..fesselfan i understand what u say but there are something:
first, it's about friendship, i get her back just like she got mine in my worst time of life..it's just fair to sometimes sacrifice for ur friend ...or what use is being friend? and about problems no she didn't make me to do...that's why i'm so confused or i could just let it go. i can't cuz i WANT to help her not just have to! so don't worry about me
second, the problem is she isn't really strong to deal with it, i know her and in her situation i can tell that she makes things worse! i'm no hero myself in these issues but i guess i do better than her
after all it's telling truth, no doubt. only problem is how? u know i'm sure she react very bad so before she does something stupid i need a good plan to go on with to deal with him.
yes i can't say it's an affair for sure but hey...why he hides that number if it's only a good friend?

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by shoxlover » Tue Sep 25, 2012 6:50 pm

> ana-tie91 wrote:as a matter of fact i still need thoughts! yeah i just didn't tell her last time and don't blame me she just started aabout "oh how i love him" and telling lovely stuff about their relationship and so on...how the hell could i tell her like that! sigh*...well i try later that i know for sure but now!
> anyway..fesselfan i understand what u say but there are something:
> first, it's about friendship, i get her back just like she got mine in my worst time of life..it's just fair to sometimes sacrifice for ur friend ...or what use is being friend? and about problems no she didn't make me to do...that's why i'm so confused or i could just let it go. i can't cuz i WANT to help her not just have to! so don't worry about me
> second, the problem is she isn't really strong to deal with it, i know her and in her situation i can tell that she makes things worse! i'm no hero myself in these issues but i guess i do better than her
> after all it's telling truth, no doubt. only problem is how? u know i'm sure she react very bad so before she does something stupid i need a good plan to go on with to deal with him.
> yes i can't say it's an affair for sure but hey...why he hides that number if it's only a good friend?

I don't mean to sound rude but that's not sacrificing to me, it's being used. Sometimes you have to be firm and this is one of those times. We each have to find our own way to get by and it sounds like she needs to find hers. It's fine to depend on friends being there to help you when things get rough but it's another to drag them into the mess along with you. If she reacts badly then be there to comfort her. This is all a part of life and frankly right now it sounds like she's got some learning to do. Boyfriends and girlfriends break up and move on. That's just how it works. If you're worried about her hurting herself be sure she knows you care, try to keep a close eye on her, and if all else fails give her the number to a hotline or something. In the end it's all up to you but it sounds to me like this is about more than just the boyfriend problem in front of you.

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by Jason Toddman » Tue Sep 25, 2012 9:04 pm

I agree with Shoxlover; this is the impression I got all along as well - hence my rather curt advice about simply cutting them BOTH off.
I've also been the victim of manipulative people who really cared only for themselves, and I know it's not easy to say no to them sometimes... but sometimes such 'friends' aren't worth the hassle. To be frank, from the way it reads it sounds to me like you're in a similar situation.
Dare to be different... and make a difference.
To boldly go where no one in their right mind has gone before...

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by ana-tie91 » Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:47 am

maybe u two are right, i know part of it totally right. then u think she's using me?

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by shoxlover » Wed Sep 26, 2012 10:09 pm

> ana-tie91 wrote:maybe u two are right, i know part of it totally right. then u think she's using me?

I think she is but I'm not sure that she knows it or is doing it on purpose. She might just think that she is indeed leaning on you but not know she's doing it too much. There's also a chance that she realizes she's asking too much of you but just doesn't see another alternative or want to face things alone. But she could also realize you will do things and that's why she asks you, then her hands don't get dirty. I've been on the receiving side of all 3 and have said adios to so many people that know I just expect them to no longer be a part of my life at some point. But the only way you're going to know for sure is to just tell her she's asking too much of you. Forget everything that this thread was initially started for and save it for after you get her answer then if you want to tell her you can but I think the most important thing you need to do is establish your friendship with her.

### Re: help for a personal problem...lie!

Post by tugsbd » Fri Sep 28, 2012 4:44 am

I mean this wih all respect: your friend deserves to have friends she can trust. If she can't trust this guy, something's wrong with the relationship. I hope she can value herself enough as a person to see this, and to tell her boyfriend she's been suspecting he's up to something, or simply that she doesn't trust him.
And I hope you value yourself as a person; she's lucky to have a friend like you, who cares so much about her. Whatever you do, you're doing it with good intentions, with her best interests at heart.
I love tying and being tied up! Struggling hard but unable to escape. Mouth filling gag. Helpless. Vulnerable.