Yeah, wasn't really sure on how to make this whole thing into a suitable title. At the present moment, I just got back to my hotel room while everyone else is still out having fun and I'm feeling really conflicted about myself and my own morals / beliefs and was just hoping to get some advice from other people. This will probably end up being a very long post, so... Sorry.
I've always been a rather boring person. My mom describes me as being born "an old soul", and it's really true. I grew up entertaining myself with things like puzzles and books. I'm also an only child. All of this kind of led to me being the odd one out, and I never had many friends growing up. On that end, I never ended up doing much of anything socially.
Until recently it's never bothered me. I never felt the need to be in a relationship, go out to bars / clubs or otherwise do much of anything. My ideas of fun have usually been along the lines of playing some board games with friends or going to a movie, bowling alley or something else pretty low-key.
Lately, though, I feel more and more unfulfilled. While I will never change my views on drugs and alcohol (I'm 100% not interested in anything that's harmful health-wise), I'm beginning to feel like I'm way, way, way behind everyone else in terms of my sexuality.
Tonight, for instance, I went out with friends to a gay bar and was eventually pressured into getting a lap dance. While half of me thought it was really great that I was actually getting out there and doing something like that, the other half was screaming at me how wrong it was to be getting something like that from a total stranger.
I'm really not sure if it's a lack of experience that's holding me back. Like I said before, I feel like I am way behind everyone else. I don't really do / understand "club dancing" and it makes for awkward encounters. Tonight, getting a lap dance, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Was I supposed to be touching him? Kissing him? What was allowed / not allowed? I have no idea. How do you learn without actually doing it in the first place?
Part of me also wonders if it's the company I'm with. Tonight everyone but me was either drunk or on heroin, so perhaps that made it less enjoyable...
In the end, I guess I'm just struggling with what I want out of life. On one side, I really want to be able to look back and feel that I did enjoy being young before I'm one of the creepy old men at the gay bar. However, I also think it's just really fake to have to pay a stranger to hit on you or what not for a few minutes, no matter how fun it may be.
So... I really dunno. Not sure if that was more for me than anyone else, but if anyone has comments / suggestions / advice about how I can deal with the two conflicting sides of myself I'd love to hear them.