Postby drawscore » Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:48 am
Good. Just a few things: First, line space between paragraphs. It makes it easier to read. Second, a little more detail. You said your brother and his friends were younger than you - around 11, but did not mention your own age at the time. I'm guessing at least 13, but probably not older then 15.
Next, spell out numbers between one and nine; write in figures, numbers 11 and higher. Ten (10) can go either way, but be consistent. The exception, is if a sentence begins with a number, that number is spelled out. (Twenty-seven kids waited impatiently for the show to begin.) Often, that can be re-worded to avoid spelling out numbers. (The show was about to start, and 27 kids waited impatiently for the curtain to rise.) And avoid using ampersands (&) unless they are a part of a title or name, as in "Parker & Finster, Computer Repair."
For future reference, you might consider writing your next story on a word processing program (WordPerfect or Open Office) Then, if you forget a detail, you can add it in before posting. Read it through twice, to make sure it's the way you want it, and everything you want to tell, is told. When you are satisfied, use the "Cut" and "Paste" tools to post it to the board.
Your command of the language is somewhere between "good" and "excellent." A few tweaks here and there, could raise it to "superior" very quickly. Your writing is clear and easily understandable, and the story is carried well on your words.
You have the potential to be one of the best writers on the board, and I don't say that lightly. Writing is an acquired skill, and the rule of thumb, is that the more you do, the better you get at it.
Drawscore