I would start with one of those stereotypical orange prison jumpsuits. Like this one.
Just because, I'd want to wear my black shit-kicker Doc Martens.
Now, time for the straight jacket! One of those heavy duty canvass ones capable of subduing the most psychotic and unpredictable of prisoners.
I'll slip the jacket on over the jumpsuit, though extra precautions should be taken when restraining an individual as disturbed as me. See those institutional restraints? Yeah, those...
The shorter ones go on my wrists. Yup, right over the top of the canvas. The bigger ones go over each bicep, just above my elbows. Cinch them all good and tight- that's it!
Okay, it's going to be chilly out. You'd better secure my jacket. Are you kidding me? Tighten up those rear straps some more. Better. Now, I'll cross my arms as best I can so you can secure the sleeves... tightly. Good, but see each of those straps? Wrench each of them down one more notch, and don't forget the crotch strap. Ignore my moans- it's not too tight.
As derranged an individual as myself couldn't be trusted the freedom of even the shortest hobble. That hand truck over there should do the trick. Yeah, I know it's meant for appliances.
I'll back against it- just make sure it doesn't fall over. That will do. See that pile of chain? Yeah, I know its a lot.
Okay- you've got to listen. Grab an end of the chain and capture that steel support at the back of my neck. There you go. Now, leave equal lengths draped over each of my shoulders. Ready?? Good. Get wrapping. Cross the two ends over my chest, then bring them around to my back, passing just below my elbows. Wrap each end around the supports at my back before bringing them around to the front again. Okay, crisscross over my chest again, then back over each shoulder with the remaining few inches. Go ahead and lock the ends together behind my neck.
Yes, I know I'm grinding into the crotch strap of the straight jacket. Give me a break- I'm excited! I'm not going to stop on my own- you'd better restrain my midsection. Those belts over there.... yup, the black ones. Get two. The 60 inchers ought to do it.
The first can go around my waist. No. Higher. Just below my crossed arms- be sure to capture the uprights of the hand truck. Cinch it dow... Ugh! Now you're getting it. The other can go around my hips, just as tight as.... Urgh!! Nice!
Done? Hell no! Do you want to find yourself at the bottom of a well, having to rub the lotion on your skin, lest you get the hose again? I think not! Better safe than sorry. You'll need a whole bunch of those tan straps over there. You might as well grab them all.
The shorter ones will do for now. Yeah, the 24 inchers. Bring four. Okay, capture the D-ring of the left wrist restraint. Good. Now capture the side rail a few inches to the left before feeding the end through the buckle. Oh, yeah- tighten her down. Gooood! Now the other wrist- just like the first. Time for the arm restraints. Yup, strap them to the steel. Okay, remember how you humored me with the buckles of the jacket? Do the same with these four straps. When you think they're too tight... keep cinching.
Yes, yes. I KNOW that I'm going nowhere.... the rest is just for aesthetics! Use the rest of those tan straps- go to town on my legs. Be sure to secure them to the frame of the hand truck. Two above and two below each knee ought to do the trick.
Those ankle cuffs are indeed redundant... but we're going to use them anyway. They're extra large, and should go right over my boots. Go ahead, lock the left one on. A couple more clicks. Good. Okay, wrap the hobble chain around that center support a few times to take up any slack. Now you can go ahead and lock the other cuff to the opposite boot. The chrome of the cuffs looks cool against the black leather of the boots, doesn't it?!
It's time to shut me up. Hanging on the hook... over there. The muzzle with all the straps. Yeah, that's the one!
Be sure to position it evenly over my mmmphhh.... (thinking the rest) Boy, you sure are getting efficient with those buckles!
Hey! Where did you get that little piece of chain. You don't really need any more.... Ohhhh. I see. One end is locked to the D-ring at the top of the head harness. The other end is chained tightly to the frame just above my head. Nice touch, grasshopper!
Now load me into the van. It's time to go to the party!
What? What do you mean you've forgotten something? What can you possibly... Oh, very cool! Who do you think I am, Dr. Lecter??
