## something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by zanev » Sun Jan 08, 2012 5:35 am

A few months ago i left the board for some very personal reasons. Im going to share a little bit of why.
I need help now basically
Im 6 months sober from a 4 year opiate addiction (prescribed). I stopped needing the pills years ago but kept faking pain to get more pills.
I was taking 20 vicodin at a time about 3 times a day, just for the constant high. Id use it to numb myself and mask any problems.
Thing is now that im sober and have new friends im still not happy. I have my girlfriend of 3 years, family, friends, a job, money...
But i still feel miserable. I feel like im worthless despite everything good. And these feelings make me want to use again. Not just the feelings but any negative events.
I feel life was better on pills and i know that cant be true. I don't want to slip but i feel i might.
What do i do
*edited to fix all the typos i made at 5 in the morning*
I close my eyes, Inis Mona
And reminisce of those palmy days
I moon o'er you, Inis Mona
As long as I breathe
I'll call you my home

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by Chase Ricks » Sun Jan 08, 2012 5:52 am

Zanev addictions can be overcome. If you have a counselor or a confessor talk to them privately about your fears and ask that they respect your wishes please. You are not along out there in the world.
From whence I came and whence I went heaven said I was too evil and sent me to hell. Demons and devils succeeded in breaking my soul.

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by zanev » Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:04 am

> Shane Bikman wrote:Zanev addictions can be overcome. If you have a counselor or a confessor talk to them privately about your fears and ask that they respect your wishes please. You are not along out there in the world.

Been in therapy since day 1 of recovery, its not getting much easier..
I close my eyes, Inis Mona
And reminisce of those palmy days
I moon o'er you, Inis Mona
As long as I breathe
I'll call you my home

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by Chase Ricks » Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:08 am

> zanev wrote:

> > Shane Bikman wrote:Zanev addictions can be overcome. If you have a counselor or a confessor talk to them privately about your fears and ask that they respect your wishes please. You are not along out there in the world.

> Been in therapy since day 1 of recovery, its not getting much easier..

Been in counseling for my own privater addictions for a very long time too. The hardest part is always opening up your most painful unwanted memories. I know you can kick this addiction if you try hard.
From whence I came and whence I went heaven said I was too evil and sent me to hell. Demons and devils succeeded in breaking my soul.

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Post by GoneGoneGone » Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:39 am

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Last edited by GoneGoneGone on Tue May 20, 2014 5:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by Elusive_lady » Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:18 pm

> zanev wrote:

> > Shane Bikman wrote:Zanev addictions can be overcome. If you have a counselor or a confessor talk to them privately about your fears and ask that they respect your wishes please. You are not along out there in the world.

> Been in therapy since day 1 of recovery, its not getting much easier..

By "not getting MUCH easier" do you mean you're seeing progress, just not very fast?
It might be simply a case of you needing time. It may take years. I don't know much about addiction, but if it's like alcahol, there's no cure for alcaholism. It's possible you might need a support group, like alcoholicas have with alcohol annonomous.
If you're not seeing ANY improvement, you might need a new therapist....
You have value, don't be down on yourself....keep talking to someone, you're on the right track!

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by mistofoleese » Mon Jan 09, 2012 2:15 am

US old people will understand this Knowing is Half the battle. My friend have you had the time to get out into the fresh air I know its most likely pretty cold at the moment being january but I mean really go outside go hiking running .
The outdoors are wonderful no matter where you are or what time of the year if you live in a city take a walk in the park or even better get out of city an go up into the mountains If your lucky enough to have some near by I guess what I am getting at is this there are ALL sorts of ways a therapist will tell you how to go about things.
Frankly every time I hear about a therapists I think of the R Lee Emery Gieco commercial I am VERY glad to hear youve been clean for 6 months thats awesome keep it up
I had a friend who was dealing with your exact problem in the months after he returned from Iraq its been hard on him but he had the good sence to reach out an ask for help just like your doing I'm damn proud of you for taking this step as I said at the start Knowing is Half the battle

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by Fesselfan » Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:57 am

First, wish you all the best in finding joy in life again and stay sober.
Addiction comes in two levels- psychical and physioligical. After your time of addiction, you will most likely have to overcome both aspects.
As said before, the first (and most important!) step is to realize the problem. Which you did (else you would not write this posting).
Physilogically speaking- your body has been used to receive a lot of stuff from the outside. This is a major fact in many addiction problems- the body gets used to i.e. get its endorphines (one happines hormon) from the outside- and decreases it's own production of the stuff. Sooner or later you get to a level where you take drugs just to get in a hormon-level state where you would have been if you hadn't started with the drugs at all.
So, if you stop taking the stuff- your body drops to an all time low, and this can take quite a time to adjust. It takes a lot of time to overcome this effect- you need to realize that the stuff you took basically were "false friends" in a certain way- they first provided something (the high level) just to leave you at "Normal" level and addicted after a period of time. Basically, they just took without giving.
Psychological- this is an even more varied field. Hard to say something here without knowing your situation more in deep. Basically...do things you enjoy.
And smile a lot, even if you feel like crying. I am not kidding here- smiling (even false smiles) causes production of endorphines in your body- somthing which you might find very helpfull.
Hope my text was a bit understandable and helpfull. And feel free to pm me.
Cheers
FF
There are 10 kind of people in the world.
Those who understand binary numeral system, and those who don't.

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by SamanthaBoundx » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:31 am

First off, congratulations for having the courage to come out about something like that. I'm sure it can't be easy and I wish you all the luck in the world for overcoming your problem. Now for the little advice I can give to you. . .
It might not seem like it, but you've already made the first vital steps to getting yourself through it. You've admitted you have an addiction and furthermore, that your life is better without it. I know you said that you sometimes feel life was better on pills, but the fact that you acknowledged that it just can't be is a serious step - make sure you always keep that thought in your mind.
FesselFan gave a decent summary of why it is you're probably feeling so down at the moment despite being clean for so long. Overcoming those feeling of sadness won't be easy, but if you start with small steps, you'll start to get there. You could try keeping a note of all of the things that made you smile during the day - whether it's someone saying something nice about you, whether it's an achievment you've made or just a joke that made you laugh - then when you look back over them you can appreciate that life IS good. Or make a list of all the things you've done and appreciated that you couldn't have done if you were still addicted. Similarly you can set aside time every day to do something you really enjoy - writing or walking or music or whatever. Then within the thing you enjoy doing, you could set yourself small tasks or achievments that you can obtain if you work hard enough at them. Trying to do something that scares you every day also works for some people - it gives you a great hormone rush that you just don't get from anywhere else. I know that they're all small solutions and won't do much in the long term, but they're just ideas you could use to get the ball rolling and start feeling a little better about life post-addiction.
As far as the therapy is concerned - it's completely your choice whether you stick with it or not. If you feel like it is any help at all - even the slightest bit - then stick with it. But for some people therapy just isn't the answer. Last year I began suffering from some fairly serious anxiety issues and I was initially advised to see a therapist - but I quickly realised that it wasn't any good for me at all and far from helping me to improve, it made me feel a lot worse. It really is what works best for you.
Also, it sounds like you have a lot of people who love you and are there for you - your family, friends and girlfriend. Make sure that you confide in people who you really trust and tell them how you're feeling and talk to them very honestly and openly. Make sure that you have someone who is always available to be there for you - whether that's in person, on the phone, or however. Everytime you get the urge to slip or whenever you're feeling particularly miserable, let them know and don't hold back or feel like you're being an imposition. It's important to have a really strong support system to overcome an addiction.
The last thing I'll say is just to remember that it will be incredibly hard to tackle and that those feelings of addiction may never completely go away - but no matter how difficult it is, it's always going to be better than going back to how you were.
I really do wish you all the luck in the world
xx

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by cellofello » Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:54 pm

I will just add one thing to what Samantha said: sometimes the problem isn't that therapy doesn't work, but rather that this particular therapist doesn't work for you. If after giving your current therapy a fair shake you conclude that things aren't improving, don't give up on therapy completely. Instead, find a different therapist. Someone else may come up with a different approach that works for you.

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by xtc » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:26 am

I've resisted answering on this thread along the "Been there, done that, still visit occasionally" lines because there's a danger of us all becoming amateur psychologists. I must, howver, support what Cellofello says. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (I could hardly call it CBT on this board, coould I?) can be VERY effective. I have kown the effects under a poor therapist and under an excellent one. I am glad I met the excellent one.
Boxer shorts are cool,
but little speedos rule!
More by the same author: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=22729

### Re: something really personal and i ask only adults reply

Post by trammel » Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:39 am

I am blessed not to have struggled with addiction in my life but have had a lifelong struggle with anxiety. My wife comes from an alcoholic family and while she is not alcoholic, that background profoundly affects how she behaves and how we relate. For all that we have seen counselors for years, some good, some bad. We are and always will be a work in progress, but after nearly 20 years we are seeing progress. It is slow, yes, but persevering through adversity is one of the most rewarding things you can do in life, even though it may not seem like it at the time.
I have made no secret of the fact that I am a Christian. I mention that to make clear up front my perspective. This does not make me better than anyone else, by any means, although many view Christians as haughty. Indeed, too many are, but that is not as it should be. I bring this up because I cannot imagine how I would face what I have faced in my life without God. All the stupid things I do are totally erased by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I have a real savior who experienced real life and real adversity and died so that I may live. Real life is tough, but God is good. It's interesting to read the Bible and learn that all the legendary people in there struggled mightily with terrible adversity and behaviors. You are not alone!
I don't mean to turn this into a sermon, so I will stop. However, I would suggest, and I am no psychologist, that each of us has a God sized hole in our lives that can only be filled by God. For whatever reason, we think we can fill it with any number of other things but that inevitably does not work.
Counseling is good, but so is hope. Seek, and I pray you will find it.