As it just so happens I am down to my last week in high school. While most teenagers might rejoice at such a notion or hope for their graduation day to come sooner, I am quite the opposite. Rather than excitement and glee, I feel nothing but anxiety and fear in regards to my future.
I've never been much of a social butterfly throughout my adolescence. Crippling social anxiety (the real kind, not the kind that's all trendy now) as well as the splitting up of family, and a few other factors lead to me adopting a sort of isolationist lifestyle. It is perhaps because of this that I never really seeded myself into any major social groups, joint activities, or clubs. Nonetheless I always had school to fall back on. School was always there in the background, providing some sort of structure and sense of developmental achievement. I had school and then I had the time after school, which mainly consisted of whatever I did in my free time. I had no job, clubs, or other commitments lined up. It was just the time after school.
But now that underlying sense of structure is about to vanish and, quite frankly, it terrifies me. Not many other students seem to feel this way, or if they do they're doing a good job of hiding it. Putting on a nervously excited face while stressing about their future. I imagine it's not so difficult for them because they've already established themselves. They have a vast network of friends that they can call, text, snap-chat, call up on a whim and meet somewhere, or what have you.
Also, most of them already have some plan lined up in regards to what university they will attend. Whether or not that's a wise commitment for every student is a matter of debate. But the important thing is that they have something to be working towards, some sense of purpose. I suppose that's what I'm looking for, and I'm afraid that come post-graduation I'm going to have nothing and nobody, not even my small circle of 5 close friends. I'm afraid I'll find myself sitting in limbo, doing some meaningless part time job without any real sense of accomplishment.
I'd like to further my education in some regard. I've written another post about how I'm going to take time and make an informed decision about what my academic interests are before I commit to shelling out thousands in student debt. The problem now I suppose is finding some way to sustain socially during that year or so off. I feel like, as a standard high schooler, that should be the least of my problems. Like I should have nothing but access to friends.
This could just be paralyzing fear of the unknown. Just me imagining the worst case scenario as we humans love to do when reflecting on ourselves. And, as I said before, I've never even had so much as a job or my own car. So I really don't have much experience to draw on. I don't know what sort of opportunities await me. But that's also the hardest part.