I got’s tired of listening to his whining. Every time I goes away camping for a weekend he be complaining that he would love to goes too but that he hasta’ work or he has gots plans with his girlfriend or some other lame-ass excuse. Tracy, the lady of his life, has absolutely nada interest in spendin’ any time outdoors and without her royal consent my pussy-whipped buddy is too friggin’ chicken to come along.
The weather this summer has been real great, nots much rain, and almost every Friday I rushes home from work and tosses my gear into the backa’ my van. Every week I would call him an ass’ him to come along. A few times it was more like friggin’ begging but each time I asked he would wimp out.
Well summer’s coming to an end, the nights are gittin’ frosty, there’s a tad more rain and the lakes are chillin’ off too much to swim. Camping season is almost over and I realize this dummy has yet to get his sad ass out of his apartment. I decide to gives him no choice. I make alla the necessary arrangements and calls him on the phone.
‘Hey’ I says ‘pack some clothes an’ a pillow an’ some blankets and I’ll pick you up after work this afternoon. We’re goin’ swimmin’ n’ fishin’ n’ gittin drunk.’
‘Hey’ he says ‘I’d love to but I got plans with Tracy, I can’t go.’
‘Hey’ I says ‘I took care of that for you. I talked to her and we figured it out.’
‘Hey’ he says ‘maybe I should call her first?’
‘Not a good idea’ I says ‘she was kinda pissed about it. We had words, if you know what I mean, but she saw it my way. She probably won’t even answer if you call.’
‘Shit’ he says ‘if she’s mad I shouldn’t go.’
‘Shit’ I says ‘if you don’t come I’ll be mad. You can sort it out with her later. Show some balls while you’ve still got them.’
‘Not funny’ he says ‘she’s gonna cut them off for me if don’t call her.’
I gots a picture in my head of Tracy wit a big knife in one hand and his balls inna other. She’s a real nice lady but you don’t wanna piss her off. She’s no dainty girly-girl and she can beat your ass if’n she wants ta.
‘Tell ya what’ I says ‘call her later, once we’re gone, then it’ll be too late for her to bitch at ‘cha.’
From the silence on the line I could tell that he was thinking about it. He ain’t never had the stones to stand up to her but I was hoping that this might be the first time.
‘No shit man’ he says ‘you talked to her.’
‘No shit buddy’ I says ‘we talked and it’s all taken care of.’
‘I’m in’ he says ‘let’s do it.’
So I gets home an’ I grabs my stuff an’ some food and whatever an’ I drive over to his place.
He’s ready and all like excited and has his crap stuffed into a few duffle bags.
‘Too much shit in the back of the van’ I yells at him over the music ‘toss your stuff in the back seat.’
I crank up the tunes some more an’ we heads off down the road all happy and stuff. A quick spin for some burgers and fries at the drive through at McDonalds and we’re on our way.
We hasta shout to be heard over the music but we kill the one hour drive with lotsa talkin’. We talk about how much we hates workin’, how much we wants to do hot chicks, how we wished we had fast cars and how much we loves greasy food.
‘Did ja’ bring the stuff for s’mores’ he asks ‘I’m gonna wanna burn a few marshmallows tonight.’
‘I gots marshmallows an’ chocolate an’ cookies’ I says ‘we’re gonna eat s’mores an’ drink beers til we puke!’
When we gets to our campsite I pops the back door open and haul out the bag witha tent. We spreads it out and put the poles together. I got the tent pegs but no hammer to bash them in.
‘Take a look for the hammer’ I asks ‘it should be in the backa the van.’
He goes to find it and I wait for him but he’s takin’ too long. I goes to the back of the van and he’s there like on his phone.
‘Are you playing games dude’ l asks ‘or what?’
‘I’m calling Tracy’ he says ‘I want to be sure she’s okay with this ya know.’
‘Let’s get the damn tent up first’ I tells him.
‘The hammer is probably under there’ he says pointing to the big pile of my stuff. I has pillows and blankets and coats and all my crap in a big heap.
‘Why so many pillows an’ blankets’ he asks ‘it’s gonna be cold?’
‘We gonna need some extra shit’ I says ‘you’ll see.’
He puts the phone up to his ear and waits. The pile of stuff starts to ring. After three rings he notices.
‘Hang up man’ I tells him with a stupid grin on my face ‘talk to her in person why don’t ya.’
I pull the pile apart and under alla’ pillows an’ blankets it is Tracy.
‘Surprise’ I say with a silly voice.
Tracy is tie up with ‘bout a dozen zip ties and gagged with lotsa duck tape and hog tied. I forgot that she had her friggin’ phone in her back pocket.
‘What the hell man’ he says ‘you told me you talked to her!’
‘I did man’ I says ‘but this is what be happening when we stopped talkin’. Hey chum, she wasn’t going to cut you any slack so I had to improvise.’
‘Now we can all camp together’ I cheerfully says in a lame voice.
He looks at me in a scary like way. Like he wants to untie her and he wants to punch me but he can’t decide which to do first.
Tracy going all like “mmph mmph mmph” is not helping. I give her a “sshh” but that only makes her louder. She’s really pissed.
‘That’s why the tunes was so bloody loud’ he says ‘you didn’t want me to hear her!’
‘Hey I did what I had to do’ I says ‘I was only thinkin’ of you buddy.’
I giggled, it looked like his head was gonna’ explode, he gots all purple in the face.
‘We gotta let her go man’ he whines ‘she’s gonna be real mad!’
‘She’s gonna be real mean’ I says ‘how about we let her cool off a little longer an finish gettin’ set up.’
He’s so confused and stressout at this point tha’ he listens to me an we go back to settin’ up the tent.
By the time the tent is up its gittin dark an I start a campfar. Coupla lawnchairs on one side an the picnic table on the other. We sit in the chairs and the crap for s’mores is onna table. We roast a few marshmallows, eat some s’mores an havva few beers.
‘This issa life’ he says ‘it don’t git any better.’
‘It’s gonna git worst befores it gits better’ I says ‘we forgots Tracy inna van!’
We haul Tracy outta the van an’ puts her onna picnic table. She hotter than the fire. If she coulda killed us she woulda.
Jus’ lookin at her my shins begin to ache. She kicked the crap outta me when I was tyin her up. My ribs is a bit sore too. I gots lucky I jumped her from behind. Face to face she probably be beaten me inna the ground. I still gots teeth marks my fingers from tryin’ to gag her.
I open two more beers an’ we sit lookin at her hog tied onna other side of the fire. She’s not even strugglin’ any more, she just starin’ at us and sometimes makin’ noises that sounds like cussin’.
I bin sippin but he bin guzzling an’ he’s five beers to my two. He’s not feelin’ any pain.
‘We gotta let her go sooner or later’ he whimpers ‘then we gonna die painfully.’
‘How about we leave it til morning’ I suggests ‘maybe she’ll be happier then.’
‘Couldn’t get any madder’ he laughs as he drains the bottle an’ belches ‘gimme another brew.’