LESSONS IN WEASELRY
"Hi, boys!" came Mrs. Bradford's cheery voice, as Charlie walked in the door with his best friend, Ronnie. "Where's Allen and Scott?"
"They stayed after school, Aunt Mary." Charlie answered. "Scott wanted to sign up for ninth grade football next year, and Allen is talking to the high school junior varsity baseball coach. They'll be home in an hour. Maybe 30 minutes. They asked me to tell you."
"Thanks, Charlie." his aunt replied. "By the way, the laundry is done. Would you be a sweetheart, and get yours and your cousins', and stack it on their beds? And put yours away. They can put theirs away when they get home."
"Sure, Aunt Mary. No sweat." Charlie called back, then motioned Ronnie to follow him down to the basement, which housed the laundry room. Inside, were three stacks of various articles of clothing, each stack belonging to one of the three boys that lived there.
"Oh, man, way cool!" Charlie smiled, as he eyed the stacks of clean clothes.
"What's so cool about laundry?" Ronnie asked.
"Nothing." Charlie answered. "But I see an opportunity here. Watch and learn, and I'll teach you to be an A-number one, top of the mountain, Olympic class weasel."
"But we're scouts. We're not supposed to be weasels." Ronnie protested.
"Why not?" Charlie asked. "You pretend to be a weasel to your little brother and his friend, Little Kevin. Besides, my book of weaselry makes exceptions for scouts who have little or big brothers or cousins, are guests on sleepovers; who host sleepovers; for rival scouts in other troops; for neighborhood kids who aren't scouts; and for none or all of the above."
"That's everybody!" Ronnie exclaimed.
Charlie just stood there with a great big grin on his face, that stretched from ear to ear. "Yeah, I know." he laughed. "And I learned from the troop's biggest weasel, but he didn't know he was teaching me." Charlie continued.
In unison, both boys said "Doug!"
"Wha'cha gonna do?" Ronnie asked.
"Watch and learn." Charlie replied. "First, get me one of those grocery bags." Charlie pointed to a stack of large brown bags, identical to the rope bag that sat in the boys' shared closet.
Ronnie retrieved a bag, and Charlie deftly removed Scott's and Allen's pajamas from the stacks. They went into the bag, then the boys carried the bag, and the rest of the laundry up to the bedroom, where each boy's clothes were neatly piled on the appropriate beds. Charlie put his away, leaving Scott's and Allen's stacked on their beds. The bag with Scott's and Allen's pajamas was slipped into the fourth drawer down in Charlie's five-drawer dresser.
Ronnie still didn't get it, and asked Charlie for an explanation.
Again, a big grin covered Charlie's face. "You know the rule about borrowing." Charlie said. "If you borrow someone else's clothes, you have to get tied up wearing them, by whoever you borrowed them from, and whoever else is around."
"And when they don't have any pajamas, they'll have to borrow yours, and you get to tie them up." Ronnie said, with his mouth agape.
"Now you're learning how to be a weasel." Charlie said. "By the way, how'd you like to spend the night here tonight?"
"Sure!" said Ronnie. "And I'll bring Mark, too. They'll just LOVE gettin' tied up by a ten year old.”
"Good idea." Charlie said, then he went to the bedroom door, and shouted "I got the laundry up, Aunt Mary. Can Ronnie spend the night? He'll probably bring his little brother with him."
His aunt shouted back that Ronnie and Mark were always welcome, and that Scott had invited Doug. "And I think Allen invited the Hollister boy. Isn't his name Chris? Or is it Jeff? I never can get all the names right."
"It's Chris, Aunt Mary." Allen's 'sposed to help him finish up his second class scout requirements tonight.
"Well, you boys behave yourselves. You know that your Uncle Jim and I are going to that party over at the Houghton's house." she called, having moved from the kitchen, to the bottom of the staircase.
"Yes, Aunt Mary." Charlie responded.
Scott and Allen got home a little later than expected, but still within reason. They were scolded for doing so, and told that when they know they are going to be late, that they should call, but since it was only 10-15 minutes, the infraction was not that great, and the explanations that signing up and filling out various forms, and the coach's interview took a little longer than expected, were accepted. At least by their parents.
Charlie had other ideas. As soon as the car had cleared the driveway, Charlie repeated the same line his aunt had given her two tardy sons, and told them that they should have called, even if they were only going to be a few minutes late. "I think they ought to pay a penalty, Ronnie. Don't you?"
"Two penalties." Ronnie answered. One for you, and one for me."
Scott started to say something, but Allen "shushed" him, and as they made the trek up the stairs to the bedroom, Allen whispered to Scott to let them go ahead and tie them; that they would easily escape, and it would be over and done with. Scott pondered on the wisdom of his brother's words, and agreed.
It was just as Allen predicted. Despite being tied around their hands, feet, arms, and legs, and gagged with their own scout neckerchiefs, both boys twice made good their escapes. And, as they were putting away the rope, and rinsing out the gags, the doorbell rang. "Our guests are here." Scott said, and hurried down to greet them.
At the door stood Doug and Big Chris. Half a block away, Ronnie's little brother, Mark, was running as fast as his ten year old legs would carry him. Scott spotted him, and waited, while Chris and Doug went upstairs to the bedroom shared by Scott, Allen, and Charlie.
When Scott and Mark arrived in the bedroom, Allen was already at work with Big Chris, intent on finishing up the second class requirements. Doug was face down on the bed with his hands behind his back, and asking Charlie to tie him up. "I think I'm getting better." Doug told his friend. "Last time, it took me eight minutes to get out of your hog tie. I bet I can do it in five."
Charlie was more than happy to give Doug that opportunity, and in a few minutes, had the young teenager trussed up like a turkey, and well gagged with a red bandana from the rope bag in the closet.
Doug escaped, but in six and a half minutes, not the five in which he said he could do it, which meant that Charlie could try twice more. Still, it was an improvement over the earlier try, which, as Doug had said, took him eight minutes.
Charlie deferred them to later, and suggested that the seven of them call a time out, and go get dinner. That suggestion was met with approval all around.
After dinner, Allen continued to work with Chris, while Doug, Scott, Charlie, Ronnie, and Mark plopped down in front of the TV. Tomorrow - Friday - was an "in-service day," meaning the teachers would be at school, but the students had the day off.
There was the normal amount of shoving and teasing until around 7:30, when a familiar theme burst forth from the TV. "Neat! My favorite show!" exclaimed Mark, as the theme from "Daniel Boone" echoed around the room. Mark rushed halfway up the stairs, and hollered to Allen and Chris that "Daniel Boone" was on, and asked if they wanted to watch. Allen was sort of indifferent, but Chris decided he wanted to see the show, and begged off on scout requirements for the next hour. Allen agreed, followed Chris down the stairs, and found a seat in front of the TV.
Mark watched intently, as Israel Boone was tied and gagged in the back room of the home of his sea captain friend, while the captain and a treasure hunting outlaw went looking for a chest. "I wish I could have adventures like Israel." Mark said, and Allen laughed.
"If you want adventures like that, I'm sure that one of us will be happy to play the role of an outlaw, and tie you up." Allen said.
"I'll do it!" Ronnie said. "I'll be an Indian, too, if that's what he wants."
"Me, too!" echoed Big Chris.
Mark decided that it might be better if he kept quiet until the program was over, but toward the end, he couldn't resist saying that Israel might get tied up and gagged, but he always got loose, and came out on top. Charlie countered with "Yeah, but the reason he gets out is because somebody helps him get out. In that way, he's a lot like you." Mark shot Charlie a scowl, but stayed silent.
When the program ended, the boys trooped back up to the bedroom, and Mark changed in to pajamas. Big Chris, Ronnie, and Doug followed, and, in turn, were followed by Charlie. But as Charlie had planned, Allen's and Scott's pajamas were not where they should have been. Charlie was more than happy to pull out a light blue pair for Scott, and a darker blue pair for Allen, who commented that it was the same pair he was wearing when he, Charlie, Scott, and Doug were tied up by burglars.
I thought we weren't 'sposed to talk about that." Doug said. "I think you ought to be tied up by all of us for mentioning it."
"What's this about a robbery?" Ronnie and Mark asked in unison.
"Never mind, we'll tell you later." Allen said. "Right now, I just want to get this over with."
Allen and Scott reluctantly allowed Charlie, Doug, Ronnie, Mark, and Chris to each tie them up as a penalty for borrowing Charlie's pajamas. They grumbled that they shouldn't have to pay any penalties because their mom didn't get their pajamas washed, but the others laughed at that reasoning.
"You guys know the rules." Doug said. "Hell, you guys helped write them. There ain't no exceptions for your mom not doing the laundry." Allen and Scott admitted Doug was right, and allowed Mark to take the next turn.
Charlie and Ronnie were off to the side, snickering, while Mark tied and gagged Scott, then Allen. They paid little attention to Doug, who walked over to them, and asked "What's up with you guys? You both look like the cat that swallowed the canary."
"Nothing!" Charlie said. "We just think it's funny to see Scott and Allen get tied up in pajamas by a ten-year-old, and almost be required to like it."
Doug thought for a moment, smiled, and said "Ya know, you're right."
Allen and Scott easily escaped from Mark's ties, and from Chris's, as well. Ronnie tied them a little better, but not much, and Doug was only a slight improvement over Ronnie. Charlie was the best of the bunch, but Allen and Scott were fairly accomplished in the art of escape, and both had freed themselves from all of their “penalties” in under eight minutes for each one.
When it was done, Mark wailed "I wanna tie up Ronnie."
Ronnie glared at Mark, indicating that he didn't think that was such a good idea, but before he could say anything, Charlie pulled him off to the side, and whispered "Can the act, Ronnie. We all know you think a lot more of Mark than you let on. Besides, he can't tie worth a crap, and it'll take you less than five minutes to get loose."
Ronnie glowered back at Charlie, and said "Then why don't you let him tie you up with me?" Never one to shy away from a challenge or a dare, Charlie agreed, and even said "Go ahead and tie me up first, Mark. Your brother's a wuss."
"And you're a schmuck." Ronnie thought, as he watched his little brother tie Charlie's hands together behind his back. The rest of the boys just grinned.
After tying Charlie, Mark went to work on his brother, and in a few moments, had Ronnie's hands and feet tied, and a scout neckerchief tied over his mouth. Charlie sat on his own bed and Ronnie was on Allen's. Mark grinned, gave his brother a shove, that sent him to his side, and said "Let's see you guys get out of that."
"Ya ought'a tie their arms and legs, too, or at least their arms." Allen teased. "And do it with Charlie's own rope. I'll get it for you."
Allen made a bee line for Charlie's dresser, pulled open the fourth drawer down, and spotted two large brown grocery bags. Charlie was loudly "mmmppffff'ing," and shaking his head, but no one was paying him any attention. Allen tossed the bag to Mark, who reached in, and pulled out a coat of a pair Allen's pajamas. A closer inspection of the contents revealed two pair of Scott's pajamas were also in the bag.
Scott grabbed one of his pajama coats, and buried his face in the soft fabric. "And clean, too!" he said. "I can still smell the fabric softener Mom uses." Allen grabbed his pajamas, performed the "smell test," and agreed. Both boys turned and looked at Charlie.
"Hey, Charlie!" Allen said. "How come our pajamas are in your dresser?" Charlie "mmmppfff'd," shrugged his shoulders, and gave the impression that he didn't know, and was totally innocent of any wrongdoing.
Allen pulled down Ronnie's gag, and demanded "What do you know about this?"
Ronnie, also something of a student of weaselry, lied through his teeth. "I saw Charlie bring up the laundry and that bag, but I didn't know what was in it." he said.
Satisfied, Allen replaced Ronnie's gag, and asked "Wha'da'ya think we ought to do about this?" The suggestions came flooding in, including making Charlie a "practice dummy" for Mark and the other cub scouts in his den, on whom they could practice their knots.
"If you're gonna do that, give us Ronnie, too!" Mark asked.
Got no evidence against Ronnie." Allen replied. "Can't do it without proof."
"They're best friends, and that ought'a be enough." countered Mark.
"Sorry, Mark." answered Allen. "But it doesn't work that way."
"Well, it should!" shot back Mark, getting in the last word.
"Yeah? And annoying little brothers ought'a spend the night tied up in the closet!" came Ronnie's voice.
"How'd you get out so quick?" Mark asked.
Charlie grinned, and said "It's all in the wrist.
"Explain this!" Allen said.
Charlie went into a long winded explanation which made absolutely no sense at all, even to the point of using a classic line from an old TV show: "I deny the allegations, and I resent the alligator!"
Doug nudged Scott, grinned, and said "Now I know why they're called artists." Scott gave Doug a puzzled look, and Doug explained "Artists, Scott. BS artists."
"Oh, yeah. Right." Scott answered.
Even though they were loose, ideas about what to do with Charlie were still being batted back and forth. "How about we hog tie him, leave him on Mike Hayworth's doorstep, ring the bell, then run like hell?" suggested Big Chris.
"How about we make him wear Big Chris's yellow pajamas, then get him for borrowing?" Mark suggested.
Again he was rebuffed. "Can't do it." Allen said. "Remember, we made a rule that says you can't be nailed for borrowing if you are forced to wear someone else's clothes."
"Oh, yeah." Mark replied. "But we ought'a change it for Charlie. And for Ronnie, too."
"I got an idea." Doug exclaimed. "We'll sleep on it, and tomorrow, we all put on our uniforms, and we 'court martial' him.
"I like that idea." Allen said. "How about the rest of you?" The others all voiced their approval, save for Mark, who complained that since he was still a cub scout, he couldn't get in on it.
Doug told him not to worry. "You're already the troop mascot, so you're an honorary boy scout. We'll just get you a scout uniform from the uniform exchange, and agree not to tie you up in it, or take any penalties on you for wearing it." That seemed to satisfy Mark, and he joined the others in being behind the idea of "court martialing" Charlie.
Charlie was just as happy to have everything deferred to the next day. He was tired, and suggested that they call it a day, and get some sleep. That was another idea that was well received, and several minutes later the boys were stretched out in their beds or sleeping bags.
Doug was rolled up in his sleeping bag next to Charlie's bed, and was kind of surprised when Charlie leaned over, looked down at Doug, and asked "Wha'da'ya think they'll do with me, Doug?"
Doug grinned up at his friend, and said "I'm proud of you, Charlie. You took weaselry to new heights today, but you'd'a been an even bigger weasel if you'd'a implicated Ronnie as a part of the plot, whether he knew or not. You also could have accused Allen and Scott of hiding their pajamas in your dresser, just to set you up."
That was high praise, coming from Doug, and his suggestions did not go unnoticed. But it did not answer Charlie's question, so Charlie repeated it.
"I don't know what we'll decide, but I'll give you a hint about what I think: "You put-um hands behind back. We tie-um up tight. Gag-um good, too."
That was kind of a mystery to Charlie, and now, his brain started working in overdrive, trying to make sense of what Doug had said, and how he had said it. Obviously, it would have something to do with Indians, so Charlie's first guess was that they were going to make him one of Little Kevin's "pajama Indians."
But it was Doug that had talked like an Indian, so maybe Doug and the others were going to be Indians, and he was going to be their captive. "Damn it, he's playing mind games with me." Charlie thought. "He IS a world class weasel!"
END