Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Valimure » Sat Jun 01, 2013 12:34 am

Yeah, wasn't really sure on how to make this whole thing into a suitable title. At the present moment, I just got back to my hotel room while everyone else is still out having fun and I'm feeling really conflicted about myself and my own morals / beliefs and was just hoping to get some advice from other people. This will probably end up being a very long post, so... Sorry.

I've always been a rather boring person. My mom describes me as being born "an old soul", and it's really true. I grew up entertaining myself with things like puzzles and books. I'm also an only child. All of this kind of led to me being the odd one out, and I never had many friends growing up. On that end, I never ended up doing much of anything socially.

Until recently it's never bothered me. I never felt the need to be in a relationship, go out to bars / clubs or otherwise do much of anything. My ideas of fun have usually been along the lines of playing some board games with friends or going to a movie, bowling alley or something else pretty low-key.

Lately, though, I feel more and more unfulfilled. While I will never change my views on drugs and alcohol (I'm 100% not interested in anything that's harmful health-wise), I'm beginning to feel like I'm way, way, way behind everyone else in terms of my sexuality.

Tonight, for instance, I went out with friends to a gay bar and was eventually pressured into getting a lap dance. While half of me thought it was really great that I was actually getting out there and doing something like that, the other half was screaming at me how wrong it was to be getting something like that from a total stranger.

I'm really not sure if it's a lack of experience that's holding me back. Like I said before, I feel like I am way behind everyone else. I don't really do / understand "club dancing" and it makes for awkward encounters. Tonight, getting a lap dance, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Was I supposed to be touching him? Kissing him? What was allowed / not allowed? I have no idea. How do you learn without actually doing it in the first place?

Part of me also wonders if it's the company I'm with. Tonight everyone but me was either drunk or on heroin, so perhaps that made it less enjoyable...

In the end, I guess I'm just struggling with what I want out of life. On one side, I really want to be able to look back and feel that I did enjoy being young before I'm one of the creepy old men at the gay bar. However, I also think it's just really fake to have to pay a stranger to hit on you or what not for a few minutes, no matter how fun it may be.

So... I really dunno. Not sure if that was more for me than anyone else, but if anyone has comments / suggestions / advice about how I can deal with the two conflicting sides of myself I'd love to hear them.

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Chris12 » Sat Jun 01, 2013 2:51 am

I really can't help you with the bar thing but reading your story you just seem to be introverd rather then extraverd which doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Nexus » Sat Jun 01, 2013 6:17 am

I have a bit of input, howeve misguided it may be. Firstly, the not doing/ingesting stuff that's harms the body. While I don't recommend becoming an alcoholic, enjoying a few drinks in good company can ease the nerves greatly. Yeah alcohol isn't great for you, but hell there's tons of fun things on this planet that aren't great for you, but they won't kill you (in moderation). A few drink every now and then shouldn't have any major health ramifications, and it may just help out your mental health by helping you loosen up, especially when in a crowd.

Now as far as the bar thing, every bar has its own set of rules, but it sounds like you don't want their services. If you don't want a lap dance, stand your groun and say "no thanks guys, it's really not my thing." If for some reason you succumb to getting a dance, simply ask the dancer his rules. I've been places (hetero strip clubs) where I was getting a lap dance, just sitting there, when the girl said "you can touch me, you know", to which I kindly obliged. But there are other clubs where if I were to touch the girls, I'd end up beaten up by bouncers in the parking lot. It varies place to place, so know the rules before you play.

Think that's all I got.

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Jack Roper » Sat Jun 01, 2013 12:08 pm

Moderation is a good point but if drinking or moderate drug usage truly bothers you, don't do it. I noticed you put running, hiking and white water rafting on your page. It would seem to me that if you want to meet someone compatible you would do it while doing what you love. Maybe a hiking group or a rafting club. Besides, if you meet that special someone in a bar the likelihood is that they will want to go back to the bar scene even after you develop a relationship.

Does that help?

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Valimure » Sat Jun 01, 2013 10:45 pm

I am definitely introverted. I don't mind a group of people, but I don't like large groups and I need to recharge after being around people for awhile.

For alcohol, there are multiple reasons I don't like it. First of all, it tastes terrible. xD I also don't like the thought of not being myself. The "liquid courage" thing just isn't me. I'll do just about anything on my own without alcohol. I'm not shy, really. I just won't do anything that's really dumb like my drunk friends yelling at strangers about how they want to wear their hat.

Yeah, I definitely get out and do the stuff I love and have a blast doing it. Looking back on last night today I really think it's the people I'm with. I might even enjoy the whole clubbing thing if everyone else was in their right mind. =P Or going with a guy I like and just having fun with it.

Thanks for the responses. :)

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby FelixSH » Sun Jun 02, 2013 8:16 am

I just wanted to say that I have some experience with clubbing, and even after trying it multiple times I still can´t stand it. Even if I´m there with friends, I have no idea what I´m supposed to do. Aside from that, it´s too crowded and too loud for my tastes.

My point is, clubbing just isn´t for everyone. If you don´t like it, that´s ok, and you probably will not miss out anything, just because you wouldn´t like it there anyway. Of course, you can just give it some more tries, just to be sure.

And one last thing: Being the only one in a group who isn´t drunk is aweful. If you want to try it again you either need to drink a bit too, or search people who don´t drink.

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Jason Toddman » Wed Jun 05, 2013 12:23 pm

IMO Roanze there's absolutely nothing wrong with you or with anything you said about what you like and do not like. Period.
Not everyone can be the life of the party. I am much the same way as you are. Even as an adolescent I would have been very much as describe yourself but for some extremely - and I suppose even unlikely - lucky breaks. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't go out to bars, no longer do TUGs, don't get out much at all in fact... and I'm fine with all that. I enjoy staying home and reading, writing, watching TV, or otherwise having a quiet time alone at home, as I interact with people enough to suit me when I am at work. About the only life style change I'd like that you didn't mention would be to get a dog again, but where I live wouldn't be a good place to have one.
The only problem you have that I can see is perhaps a slight one of self-esteem or self-confidence. If you are happy with your current life-style, there is no reason for you to change. If anything, you are probably just as happy with your life as your more party-hearty friends are with theirs... and maybe happier. I work with people who are like your friends and sometimes wish I could be more socially active and fit in too... but it wouldn't be my style at all and I'd just be miserable trying (especially as I am twice the age of the majority of them and thus fit in about as well as a skunk in a perfume factory).
If you feel unfulfilled, the rather empty-sounding (to me anyway) way you describe your friends spending time likely will NOT fill the void. You should instead find activities you would enjoy more and seek out new friends with similar interests. If you're a Trekkie for instance,find and associate with other Trekkies. If you have a religious interest, try local churches for fellowship. You get the idea. Doing that would likely fulfill you much better than lap-dancing or activities you don't feel enthusiastic about. And don't rush the sexuality either; in the long run you'll likely be happiest taking your own sweet time progressing with that part of your life!
In other words, just be yourself.
Dare to be different... and make a difference.
To boldly go where no one in their right mind has gone before...

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby Valimure » Sat Jun 08, 2013 1:26 am

Thanks much you two. :)

I just watched The Big Gay Musical on Netflix and it totally reminded me of when I made this thread. I was looking for a happy, feel-good gay movie to watch and, while it definitely didn't fit that description (I ended up bawling my eyes out), it really helped to essentially watch my life get acted out. Two main characters that deal with coming out to their family and trying to get into the scene after a long-term relationship when there was really someone there for him the entire time.

It really helps to read your stories as well, so thank you for that. I guess I was just pressured into doing something I really didn't want to do that night and it ended up being pretty traumatizing. I'll just keep at it and know that the right person will come along eventually.

Re: Dealing with the Concience?

Postby drawscore » Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:40 am

Whatever makes you happy, provided it isn't illegal. It's all just mind and matter: Those that mind, don't matter, and those that matter, don't mind.

Drawscore