When I first left home I rented a house with my fiancé. Her sister, Angela (age 14), often came to visit because their hometown was rather small and there wasn’t much to do there. The city where we live has theatres and shopping among other attractions so Angela spends as much time as possible with us. One particularly busy weekend she brought her friend Patti with her. From the moment they arrived on the bus Friday evening we were on the go. I had a baseball tournament with the team that I was coaching so between trips to the ball park we squeezed in some shopping, a movie, a few restaurant stops and various other errands. It was a hectic weekend and by Sunday afternoon we were all pretty much exhausted.
When we returned to the house Sunday afternoon we had about three hours to kill before the girls had to get back on the bus. After putting away our purchases and having a bite of lunch the four of us sat down in the living room and switched on the TV. I had barely started surfing the channels when my fiancé stood up and declared that she was going to take a nap. She had no sooner left the room and Angie said that was a good idea and off she went to her room. I looked at Patti and said ‘You’re next!’ but she replied ‘I’m not that tired.’
I continued to skip through the channels and came across a rodeo. I am not a rodeo fan but being a TUGger you can imagine what came to mind. I left it on that channel and I’m sure Patti was wondering why. As luck would have it the calf roping event began. While the first few cowboys wrestled calves to the ground and tied them up I took inventory of the room. There was a long extension cord running from an outlet behind the couch to a lamp on an end table.
Obviously the plan was to re-enact what we were watching; I would be the cowboy and Patti the calf. All I had to do is find some way to get my plan started. I turned to face Patti and said to her ‘Do you know how to tell an experienced cowboy from a beginner?’ ‘I don’t know’ she replied. ‘Well the experienced ones are actually wrestling calves. The beginners are at home wrestling their family.’ She turned to me with a puzzled look on her face and I knew I had her.
At this point I must pause for a moment to tell you about Patti. She was pretty, well built, athletic and blonde. Very blonde! Normally I don’t believe in stereotypes and I am sure there are many smart blondes in the world but I swear to you that Patti was probably the inspiration for every ‘Dumb Blond’ joke that you have ever heard. The word gullible doesn’t even begin to describe her. No matter how outrageous a story was Patti had no reason to believe that you were not telling God’s absolute truth. Now back to the story.
‘The rodeo people don’t like to make it public knowledge but when a new cowboy wants to start on the circuit he has to train at home for months before they let him into the ring. They start off with cats, dogs and small children and then they work their way up to their brothers and sisters. In a few weeks they tackle their mothers and then their dads. Only then, when they’re ready do they get a real calf.’ ‘I had never heard that before’ she said. Barely managing to keep a straight face I suggested ‘Let me show you how it works. Just stand up and I’ll demonstrate.’
She stood up and I fetched the extension cord. I couldn’t resist playing it up all the way and told her ‘Come over here’ motioning to a spot on the floor beside me. She obediently came over. ’Now turn and face the doorway’ I directed her ‘and when I say go you make a run for it just like a calf out of the chute.’ She turned and stood in a ready position. I simply could not believe I had gotten this far, every TUGger should know a Patti, life would be great.
I said ‘GO!’ and she took off. Since I was calling the shots I actually started to move before she did so she didn’t even get two steps before I grabbed her. I wrapped both of my arms around her waist, lifted her off of the floor and then lowered her face first onto the carpet. Wasting no time I pulled her arms behind her and tied her wrists. I grabbed her ankles, bent her legs at the knees and used the other end of the cord to complete a rather severe hogtie. It didn’t look very comfortable for her but she didn’t complain.
‘Wow’ she exclaimed ‘I didn’t get very far did I. Is that all there is to it?’ I almost said yes but throughout this whole ordeal I had been thinking that the red bandanna in her hair would make a great gag but it is rather hard to justify gagging a calf. I was about to give up on the thought when I found myself saying ‘There is one more thing that needs to be done. Sometimes when the new cowboy is practicing with dogs and cats he gets bitten so he has to learn one more skill to avoid that.’ I then pulled off her scarf, passed it deeply between her teeth and tied it off tightly.
She made a few of those delightful muffled noises that we TUGger’s like to hear and then went quiet. She looked up at me with an expression that seemed to say ‘What’s next?’ I sat back on the couch and said ‘let’s watch some more and see what event they do next.’ Not surprisingly she turned towards the TV, rested her head on the floor and continued to watch until I released her about fifteen minutes later. I think they were doing bronco busting; which would have hurt her back; but I’m not sure, I really wasn’t looking at the TV much.