## Wedding Woes

Post by cloudy14 » Tue Dec 01, 2015 5:23 pm

It’s funny how some common life events can bring people to say and do some pretty ridiculous things. My sister’s wedding was certainly no exception to this rule, and it turned out to be one of the most memorable nights of my life for too many reasons to count.
Julia, the oldest between myself and younger sister, was getting hitched to her sweetheart of nearly six years on a warm summer day. The party was enormous compared to most wedding ceremonies and receptions with clusters and bunches of friends, family, and acquaintances all talking, toasting, and scheming to grab more drinks and cause some mischief.
I remember my mother scampering up to me fuming and frustrated with misty eyes as dinner was being served to everyone in the sunlit ballroom. “Clark, I cannot get Aunt Rhonda to take it easy and your father and I cannot afford to deal with her right now. This is your sister’s day and I need you to do something about it!!!”
Aunt Rhonda wasn’t really my Aunt. She was my mother’s best friend since high school and the two of them got together at least once a week for coffee, a workout, or for a “Wife’s Night Out”...as they liked to call it. Unfortunately, it had been a hard year for Rhonda coming off of a brutal divorce and she began to turn from one of the most cheerful people I grew up with, into a social train wreck.
I straightened my collar and sighed in preparation to hopefully take Rhonda down a few levels. Over by the front corner table, I spotted her waving a glass of chardonnay and pointing a bracelet-adorned hand at one of the bridesmaids.
“I CANNOT BELIEVE you let our darling Julia look like her makeup was modeled after a Raggedy Ann doll...AND ON HER WEDDING DAY?! You shouldn’t be allowed near blush EVER AGAIN!!! I watched my sister’s best friend Emily breakdown and shuffle away in embarrassment, trying to keep herself together after being berated. But Rhonda just stood rigid and fierce as a tigress in her white blouse and tight olive tube skirt as I approached, raising her eyebrows high and scowling. It was unfortunate, as Rhonda really was a mature, beautiful woman and all around great person, like family to us, but continuing to cope with past heartbreak had begun to consume her.
“Hey-hey-hey, Rhonda, why don’t you trade me that wine for some water hm?” I tried lightening the mood by being playful with her.
“Jesus Clark, you’re handsome sweetie but a goddamn fool if you think your sister looked her best walking down that aisle. And why on earth didn’t anyone tell her about that dress? I could spot that panty-line from San Francisco...and if I see that pimple-faced photographer take another candid of me one more time...”
There was no stopping her in this state, and she stormed off taking a generous gulp from her glass and driving her leopard print heels hard upon the floor.
As I stood there with beer in-hand, anxiously clutching my lower lip for her guaranteed outbursts during some grand toast or announcement, a hand came upon my shoulder.
“I’ve got this."
My teenage sister Marie had a confident look in her eye and grinned like a cheshire cat.
“Yeah Marie, you think you can funnel her enough drinks to pass out so we can drive her back to the hotel?”, I teased.
“Nope. Just let me handle her.” She winked and exited our little conversation.
At this point, I was puzzled about not only what my parents really expected me to do about Rhonda before the night got started, but what Marie had in store.
I sat back at our family table as the main toasts were about to commence and the center chamber was bathed in twilight and the glow of candles. Marie was still nowhere to be found as I glanced at the halls leading to the back rooms and kitchen area, but Rhonda took another generous sip from her glass and strode towards the hall, adjusting her high and tight blonde bun as she walked.
At this point, I nearly sprayed my swig of beer all over the table as I witnessed hands shoot out from the shadows behind Aunt Rhonda, clasping tight around her waist and mouth as she silently thrashed down the dimly lit hallway with her captor, only seeing tiny glints from her jewelry and bulging eyes as she kicked her legs in dull thuds until they were gone. Attempting to blurt out to someone, ANYONE, who just saw what had occurred, it was apparent not another soul witnessed Rhonda’s disappearance as the best man began to handle the microphone and the entire party stared intently in anticipation for the first of many long speeches.

### Re: Wedding Woes

Post by xtc » Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:28 am

Good start. Thank you.
Boxer shorts are cool,
but little speedos rule!
More by the same author: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=22729

### Re: Wedding Woes

Post by cloudy14 » Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:21 pm

“That’s definitely one way to tame her”, I remember thinking to myself as I discovered what became of Rhonda.
It hadn’t taken me long in my absence from the reception to snoop around and discover a slight commotion going on behind the darkened little coat check counter in the back hall.
“Muh-rie! Let-mmpphhh-let me GOmpphhh-let-have-yoummphh-gone-crayMMMMMmmmppphhhhh!!!!”
I came upon my little sister finishing off an expert knot on the top of Aunt Rhonda’s thighs as she simultaneously fought to keep a wadded cloth napkin crammed into her newfound captive’s mouth. Rhonda sat bound wrist-to-ankle and blindfolded before me, close to the floor atop a tiny shelf stool as Marie now stood from her crouched position and clasped a hand over Rhonda’s filled cheeks.
“Told you I’d take care of it!” Marie beamed back at me as Rhonda wriggled by Marie’s knees in futility, trying to shake off the hand, her blindfold, or probably both.
“UUUHHH kiddo, I don’t think this is what Mom had in mind.”
“Hoooollmmmppphhhh mmmpppphhhh? HOOllMMPPHHH MMMPPPHHH!?” Whatever Rhonda was trying to contribute, neither Marie nor I understood.
“Remember when Mom would send us to summer camp? I used to do this stuff with campers all the time, and I knew there was plenty of leftover cord from the table decorations...so, I figured this was a good way to put Aunt Rhonda in time-out.” Marie giggled and remained in control of Rhonda’s mouth as she squirmed and gargled. Seeing my kid sister truss up and handle a grown woman in under 5 minutes reminded me to watch my back if I ever pissed her off.
“Now, hand me that scarf and we’ll be set.”
Strangely, I found myself blindly complying with Marie’s request and took the silk paisley scarf from the countertop and handed it to her. I watched in fascination as Marie neatly folded and placed it between Rhonda’s lips, working fast and cinching another double knot snugly behind Rhonda’s now scarf adorned face.
“Alright Rhonda, let Clark know when you’re ready to behave again and then you’ll be allowed back to the party. Have fun you guys!”
“UUHmmmmppphhhh UUlllmmmpphhh!”
“Wait, where are you going Marie? MARIE?!?!” But she didn’t respond save for another mischievous wink as she sauntered out of the coat check closet door in.
I crouched by Aunt Rhonda’s side, knowing I could neither untie her in her furious state now or let someone discover us like this.
And that’s where things got crazy.