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## 2e Monster Manual "Review" Electric Boogaloo

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CCarter
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Post by CCarter » Mon May 20, 2013 2:18 am

Oh well here's the Giant Crab
Climate/Terrain: Seashore
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Nil
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Omnivore
Intelligence: Non (0)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 2-12
Armour Class: 3
Movement: 9
Hit Dice: 3
THAC0: 17
No. of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 2-8/2-8
Special Attacks: Nil
Special Defenses: Surprise!
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: L (8' - 15')
Morale: Elite (13)
XP: 65
There's a cuddly pic of a hermit crab wearing a seashell (god knows where it got it from, given that these things are 8 feet long, minimum), but I can't be bothered linking it.
My will to live is also slightly eroded by finding that the Giant Crab in 2E is actually reasonable, instead of being an unstoppable killing machine - though they do come in batches of 2-12, and inflict a -3 on surprise rolls due to sneaking up on you, like most fifteen-foot-long monsters do.
The Ecology section notes that 'the giant crab performs a useful ecological function in keeping the seashores free of large carrion that would otherwise rot'. (Given what half of dozen fifteen-foot-long crabs would eat, D&D land must have plesiosaurs wash up on the beach fairly often for these to be considered 'useful' as opposed to 'a horribly menace which just ate your village').
Last edited by CCarter on Mon May 20, 2013 2:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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tussock
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Post by tussock » Mon May 20, 2013 7:27 am

Goblin
There's a (different) awesome picture of a goblin they reused a lot in 2nd edition books, with the axe-and-dagger running at you, but I can't find it on the net today.
Climate/Terrain: Any non-arctic land
Frequency: Uncommon
Organization: Tribe
Activity Cycle: Night
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low to average (5-10)
Treasure: C (K)
Alignment: Lawful evil
No. Appearing: 4-24 (4d6)
Armor Class: 6 (10)
Movement: 6
Hit Dice: 1-1
THAC0: 20
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1-6 (by weapon)
Size: Small (4' tall)
Morale: Average (10)
XP Value: 15
Chiefs & Sub-chiefs 35
Goblins are mooks. They have 3 hit points, you do 1d8+5 damage, but you need to kill 133 of them to hit 2nd level, per PC. There's no decimal in there, it's nearly a score. Unless you're not a fighter, in which case you have a spell that kills them all in one round instead, or just need less XP.
Description: Goblins are Orang-utan. Seriously. Orange hairy skin, long arms, sloped foreheads, just with needle-teeth, glowing orange eyes, and cool leather duds. Tony DiTerlizzi takes more of a bat-man angle, but that's Tony for you.
Combat: -1 in sunlight, which they are never in if you check their ecology. They use crude ambushes with crappy d6 weapons and are fairly cowardly about it all. They will lose anyway, because they're slow, low AC, and no hit points. That's the point of them, to lose. It works.
Habitat: That dozen or so they suggest in the stat block? That's not the real deal. Tribes of goblins have 40-400 warriors, with 25% of tribes having 4-40 of those guys riding Wargs, plus 10-40 more Wargs, and a different 60% of tribes (or something) have 5-30 Wargs too. Those percentages mean nothing, because obviously this tribe has Wargs. It's Treasure Type C, so you don't just guard it with mooks. Oh, wait, C is rubbish. Meh, Wargs anyway.
Heh, killing the whole tribe, divided by six PCs, is just 632 XP each. So it's only two more villages to hit 2nd level. Read the goblins webcomic? Yeh. That.
They do get some Shamans and non-combat females and a bunch of random-race slaves and sometimes bugbears, but non of that gets you XP anyway. You're not using the bugbears, because that'd be 3 pages to flip to including the Wargs.
Oh, Goblins are all fighting an endless war of genocide against all Dwarves and Gnomes (and anyone else who looks at them funny). Which is fair enough really, there's only room for so many short tunnelling races in my game world too. Dwarves and Gnomes reciprocate, but are not Evil. Team jersey alignment, eh.
Ecology: 50-year life span, don't eat much, mostly rats and snakes and carrion, but will totally eat you because that's hilarious. So that's where Pathfinder got it from. Finally it notes they lives in maze-like self-constructed tunnels, too small for you.
Wolf: Worg
Climate/Terrain: Any forest
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Pack
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low (5-7)
Alignment: Neutral evil
No. Appearing: 3-12
Armor Class: 6
Movement: 18
Hit Dice: 3+3
THAC0: 17
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 2-8
Size: M (4'-7')
Morale: Steady (11)
XP Value: 120
Oh, wait, Wargs are worth 120 XP each, that's another 900+ XP per character. Maybe you do get to 2nd level after all, except the Wargs will fucking kill you, stupid newb. 18 Movement, and roughly as smart as the party Fighter as well as being nearly as useful in combat, so you're screwed. There's forty of them. Forget it.
Wargs have a primitive language and often serve as goblin mounts. Otherwise, just like other Wolves I guess. Heh, at least 2e mentions that Wolves automatically flee if attacked by humanoids, never attack anything smart, except to make a gap if cornered. That probably doesn't apply to Warg mounts. Gotta use your head a bit in 2e.
PC, SJW, anti-fascist, not being a dick, or working on it, he/him.
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Darth Rabbitt
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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Fri May 24, 2013 4:16 am

Ogre, Half-
Half-Ogre // Ogrillon
Climate/Terrain: Any/Land // Any/Land
Frequency: Very rare // Rare
Organization: Tribal // Tribal
Activity Cycle: Any // Any
Diet: Omnivore // Carnivore
Intelligence: Semi- to high (3-14) // Low (5-7)
Treasure: B,M (Q,B,S) // M (B,S)
Alignment: Chaotic evil // Chaotic evil
No. Appearing: 1-4 // 1-4 (5-30)
Armor Class: 5 (9) // 6
Movement: 12 // 12
Hit Dice: 2+6 // 2+4
THAC0: 17 //17
No. of Attacks: 1 //2
Damage/Attack: 2-8 (by weapon) // 2-7/2-7
Special Attacks: Nil // Nil
Special Defenses: Nil // Nil
Magic Resistance: Nil // Nil
Size: L (8-9' tall) // M (6-7' tall)
Morale: Steady (12) // Average (10)
XP Value: 270 // 175
Description: Half-ogres are stronger than humans, but not as strong as ogres. They're smarter than ogres, but not as smart as humans.

> Skin and hair color are variable, but tend toward brown, gray, black, dull yellow (skin only), or any of the above with a slight gray-green tint.

Dem swarthies are gonna steal our women.
Half-ogres' "sense of smell is better than an ogre’s, but it falls short of a human’s." Wouldn't ogres have a better sense of smell than humans? The Ogre entry says nothing on it, as far as I can tell, other than that Ogres are stinky.
Combat: They are good at leading ogres because ogres are stupid. Fair enough. They tell them to aggro spellcasters. No, really, that's what it boils down to. In order to gain command over their less intelligent but more powerful comrades, they must win battles sanctioned by their society.
A young half-ogre commander.
They have what might be the inspiration for Powerful Build; because they're so big and strong, they do +2 damage with human weapons and can use two-handed weapons in one hand.

> For every five half-ogres in an encounter, there is an additional veteran with 5+3 Hit Dice. For every 10 half-ogres, there is a kader with 6 Hit Dice. If more than 15 half-ogres are encountered, they will have a shaman, a fighter/priest with 5+3 Hit Dice and the spells of a 4th-level priest, and two acolyte shamans, with 4+6 Hit Dice and the spells of a 2nd-level priest.

We're not told how much XP they're worth, because 2e.
Half-ogres apparently scare the shit out of people, which is fair enough given how big and tough they are, but seems out of place in the Combat section.
Habitat/Society: When living with ogres, half-ogres use their brains. When living with humans, half-ogres use their brawn. Occasionally they hang out with other big dumb humanoids and form societies of guys to be used as fodder by BBEGs.
Ecology: Ogres can fuck humans and BREED TRUE but not elves (the master race) and halflings (the short race) because apparently ogres have "rapidly adaptive biology." What is this I don't even
While that's bad, prepare for what is probably the stupidest thing I've encountered in this book:

> Half-ogres can also breed successfully with most other humanoid races. If this process continues for many generations, the result is a horrible hybrid known as a mongrelman. Many mongrelmen have strong strains of orc and ogre in their bloodlines, which may account for their chaotic evil attitudes.

MONGRELMEN ARE FUCKING LISTED AS LAWFUL NEUTRAL FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS CAN'T EVEN READ YOUR OWN FUCKING SHITTY BOOK
And then we get into how they're a blight on society like ogres. And their poetry is terrible. Like the Vogons.
Ogrillon: Ogrillons are smaller, dumber and weaker Orc/Ogre hybrids. Ogrillons are the issue of a female orc mated with a male ogre.

> Thankfully, it is sterile. The union of a male orc and a female ogre yields an orog, a better class of humanoid monster detailed in the Orc entry.

Because 2e.
Conclusions:
What 2e should go do.

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Fri May 24, 2013 1:38 pm

Seeing this thread, it's like I'm the parent of a large family, and then they all grew up and married each other. It's every parents dream. :sniff:
Is this wretched demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric, the half a bee
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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:55 am

THE "ADVANCED" DUNGEONS & DRAGONS MINSTROUS MINTY MYPHOT TOOM PAH PAH EE ECKY THUMP WHOS A PRETTY BOY
NOTE: I am now going to start typing, and not stop until my head literally hits the keyboard due to exhaustion. See if you can spot at the point where I can barely keep my eyes open!
FIRST ENTRY, chosen randomly:
Mold

Key: Brown, Russet, Yellow (I don't care that it's hard to read, just highlight it!), and plain black means it applies to all.
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Subterranean
FREQUENCY: Very rare/Very rare/Uncommon
ORGANIZATION: Patch
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Heat/Moisture/Mental Energy
INTELLIGENCE: Non- (0)/Non- (0)/Not Ratable (0) (Oh, boy! It's going to be one of those entries! Hang on, I need to go get some Goldfish and eat. Don't go anywhere.)
TREASURE: (Okay, I'm back.) Nil
ALIGNMENT: Neutral
_____________________________
NO. APPEARING: 1 patch
ARMOR CLASS: 9
MOVEMENT: 0
HIT DICE: N/A
THAC0: N/A
NO. OF ATTACKS: 0/0/1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: N/A
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Freezing/Spores/Poison Spores
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Absorb Heat/Immune to weapons, cold, fire/Affected only by fire
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil/Nil/20%
SIZE: S-L
MORALE: N/A
XP VALUE:15/35/65
MOLDS! are a variety of spore-producin' fungi that are actually not that fun to hang out with. Nihilistic, über right-wing and often just plain damn depressing, you never ever want to invite a mold to hang out at a party, especially not a rager. They form in decaying food or in warm, moist places, like Megan Fox or Bill O'Reilly. Fungi usually have a woolly or furry texture, and if you cover your house in them it'd look like a werewolf. While most molds are harmless, there are three varieties of monstrous super-molds that were created by man playing God, and they have escaped into the world and are slowly but surely drawing their plans against us. They are... the [Insert Super-Hero Group Name Here]! (From left to right: Brown, Russet, Yellow).
Brown Mold
Brown mold is often found in damp subterranean areas, such as caverns, caves, and caves. It is light to golden brown in color, except when it's feeling blue. Brown MOLDS! feeds by absorbing heat, including body heat, because why not? We made Urchin's totally inaccurate, let's do the same with the simplest organism on the planet. At least they say these molds are "monstrous", whereas with urchins they... didn't. Idiots. Anyway, where brown mold grows, the temperature is below average, because it apparently sucks up all the heat and blocks the TV. Direct sunlight or UV light kills it, and so does telling it that it that yes, it does look fat in that dark red shoulder cut dress, why don't you wear that little blue number I got for you at Christmas, it looks less slutty to boot.
If a warm blooded creature, like Melinda Gates, comes within 5 feet of a brown mold, then said mold will begin to drain heat equal to 4d8 points of damage from the victim, per round. A ring of warmth provides complete protection against this attack. Brown mold grows instantly from heat. If a torch is used in it's vicinity, it doubles in size yea semicolon; if flaming oil is used it quadruples and if a fireball-type spell is used it grows eightfold.
Brown mold is not fed from cold light sources (e.g. light, faerie fire, ADA advocates). The only magic that affects it are disintegrate (which destroys it), plant-affecting magic, because we don't know biology yea! and cold spells. Ice storms or walls of ice cause it to go dormant for 5d6 turns. A cold wand, white dragon breath, or a cone of cold kills it. Brown mold does not affect cold-using creatures such as white dragons, winter wolves, ice toads, members of Canadian Parliament, etc.
Russet Mold
I am going to make shit up about this one.
... It's russet and looks like cold porridge (that's actually from the book) and it likes lemon-scented baths (that isn't).
There. That's the russet mold.
Yellow Mold
This one's fun: If it's touched roughly, it emits (at a 50% rate) a poisonous spore cloud in a 10-foot radius. Any creature caught in the cloud must make a saving throw vs. poison or auto die. A cure disease spell and a resurrection spell within 24 hours are necessary to restore life, but honestly, who cares enough about other players or NPC's to do that?
Fire kills it, because fire is friend to all mankind.
This is the best part: Yellow mold colonies have a 1 in 6 chance of being sentient if they are over 300 square feet, just for shits and giggles. These molds can sense creatures within 60 feet and project their spores toward that way. Twice per day, they may use a suggestion on someone within that radius yea another semi-colon; in addition to the saving throw, the victim must roll an Intelligence check or lose 1 point of Intel permanently (it's devoured by the mold).
Only sentient yellow molds can have psionic powers. Such creatures are also immune to psionic attack unless the creature is being aided by one who "aan"(sic) communicate with plants, because fungi aren't fucking plants, dickweaver.
The bottom line about all that: YELLOW MOLDS ARE JUST PLAIN JERKS.
NEXT ENTRY:
NYMPH
You can't see her because she blinded you.

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Ant
FREQUENCY: Very Rare
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Nil (They're Breatharian!)
INTELLIGENCE: Exceptional (16)
TREASURE: Q (Qx10, X)
ALIGNMENT: EVILEVILEVILEVIL Neutral (good)
_____________________________
NO. APPEARING: 1-4 (that's not solitary...)
ARMOR CLASS: 9
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 3
THAC0: 17
NO. OF ATTACKS: 0
DAMAGE/ATTACK: They get naked and kill you because they're naked. Or they're not naked, but they still blind you because, they're, y'know, SUPER AWESOME PRETTY.
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See above
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See above
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 50%
SIZE: M (4'-6')
MORALE: Unsteady (7)
XP VALUE: 1,400
&#1392;&#1377;&#1398;&#1380;&#1387;&#1405;&#1377;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1383; &#1395;&#1377;&#1402;&#1400;&#1398;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#1377;&#1408;&#1407;&#1400;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;, &#1400;&#1408;&#1400;&#1398;&#1412; &#1406;&#1377;&#1382;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1381;&#1398; &#1383; &#1398;&#1391;&#1377;&#1408;&#1387;&#1401; &#1381;&#1410; &#1379;&#1408;&#1400;&#1394; &#1352;&#1410;&#1386;&#1400;&#1406; &#1388;&#1387;&#1398;&#1381;&#1388;&#1400;&#1406; &#1396;&#1387;&#1377;&#1391; &#1381;&#1410; &#1379;&#1381;&#1394;&#1377;&#1408;&#1406;&#1381;&#1405;&#1407;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#8203;&#8203;&#1377;&#1408;&#1393;&#1377;&#1391;&#1406;&#1381;&#1388; &#1347;&#1377;&#1402;&#1400;&#1398;&#1387;&#1377;&#1397;&#1387; &#1391;&#1400;&#1394;&#1396;&#1387;&#1409; &#1396;&#1387;&#1403;&#1381;&#1410; &#1381;&#1382;&#1408;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1377;&#1398; &#1381;&#1410; -&#1396;&#1377;&#1408;&#1407;&#1377;&#1414;&#1387;&#1388;&#1396;, &#1377;&#1397;&#1398; &#1383;&#1408;, &#1400;&#1408; &#1377;&#1408;&#1380;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1377;&#1406;&#1381;&#1407; &#1392;&#1387;&#1396;&#1398;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#1379;&#1387;&#1390;&#1384; &#1381;&#1408;&#1391;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1377;&#1397;&#1380; &#1386;&#1377;&#1396;&#1377;&#1398;&#1377;&#1391;, &#1401;&#1398;&#1377;&#1397;&#1377;&#1390; &#1387;&#1408; &#1411;&#1400;&#1412;&#1408; &#1399;&#1408;&#1403;&#1377;&#1398;&#1377;&#1391;&#1387;&#1409;. &#1329;&#1397;&#1398; &#1407;&#1381;&#1394;&#1387; &#1383; &#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1381;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1395;&#1377;&#1402;&#1400;&#1398;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#1405;&#1381;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1380; 1 &#1396;&#1400;&#1410;&#1388;&#1407;&#1414;&#1387;&#1388;&#1396;&#1387; &#1377;&#1398;&#1384;&#1398;&#1380;&#1392;&#1377;&#1407;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1377;&#1398;, &#1396;&#1377;&#1405;&#1398;&#1377;&#1406;&#1400;&#1408;&#1377;&#1402;&#1381;&#1405; &#1392;&#1398;&#1379;&#1377;&#1396;&#1397;&#1377; &#1384;&#1398;&#1380;&#1396;&#1387;&#1403;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396;&#1387;&#1409; &#1396;&#1387;&#1403;&#1381;&#1410; &#1359;&#1408;&#1377;&#1398;&#1405;&#1414;&#1400;&#1408;&#1396;&#1377;&#1407;&#1400;&#1408;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408; &#1414;&#1387;&#1388;&#1396;&#1387; &#1381;&#1410; &#1402;&#1377;&#1397;&#1412;&#1377;&#1408;&#1381;&#1388; &#1385;.
Combat: &#1344;&#1377;&#1406;&#1377;&#1398;&#1377;&#1378;&#1377;&#1408; &#1392;&#1381;&#1407;&#1381;&#1410;&#1377;&#1398;&#1412;&#1400;&#1406; &#1396;&#1381;&#1390;&#1377;&#1396;&#1377;&#1405;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1377;&#1398; &#1381;&#1408;&#1391;&#1408;&#1402;&#1377;&#1379;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1387; &#1411;&#1400;&#1408;&#1393;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1392;&#1381;&#1404;&#1377;&#1406;&#1400;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1377;&#1398; &#1381;&#1398; &#1396;&#1387; &#1379;&#1381;&#1394;&#1377;&#1408;&#1406;&#1381;&#1405;&#1407;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#8203;&#8203;&#1383;, &#1400;&#1408;, &#1384;&#1398;&#1380;&#1392;&#1377;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1408; &#1377;&#1404;&#1396;&#1377;&#1396;&#1378;, &#1392;&#1377;&#1396;&#1377;&#1408;&#1406;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1398;&#1400;&#1394;&#1391;&#1377;&#1388;&#1387;, &#1382;&#1400;&#1410;&#1379;&#1400;&#1408;&#1380;&#1406;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1384;&#1398;&#1380;&#1392;&#1377;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1408; &#1377;&#1398;&#1396;&#1381;&#1408;&#1393;&#1381;&#1398;&#1377;&#1388;&#1387;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398; &#1381;&#1410; &#1404;&#1377;&#1380;&#1387;&#1400;&#1397;&#1387; &#1409;&#1400;&#1410;&#1397;&#1409; &#1407;&#1377;&#1388; &#1377;&#1398;&#1379;&#1388;&#1381;&#1408;&#1381;&#1398; &#1388;&#1405;&#1377;&#1408;&#1377;&#1398;&#1387; &#1400;&#1401; &#1402;&#1377;&#1407;&#1391;&#1381;&#1408;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;, &#1391;&#1377; &#1398;&#1406;&#1377;&#1382;&#1377;&#1379;&#1400;&#1410;&#1397;&#1398; &#1387;&#1408;&#1377;&#1382;&#1381;&#1391;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1384; &#1391;&#1400;&#1398;&#1391;&#1408;&#1381;&#1407; &#1396;&#1377;&#1398;&#1408;&#1377;&#1396;&#1377;&#1405;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1384; &#1405;&#1377;&#1408;&#1405;&#1377;&#1411;&#1381;&#1388;&#1387;, &#1378;&#1377;&#1397;&#1409; &#1396;&#1404;&#1377;&#1397;&#1388; &#1383; &#1344;&#1377;&#1396;&#1378;&#1400;&#1410;&#1397;&#1408; &#1389;&#1377;&#1394;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1394;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1387;&#1409; &#1383;.
Habitat/Society: &#1351;&#1377;&#1408;&#1412;&#1384; &#1391;&#1377;&#1408;&#1400;&#1394; &#1383; &#1405;&#1377;&#1392;&#1396;&#1377;&#1398;&#1406;&#1381;&#1388; &#1400;&#1408;&#1402;&#1381;&#1405; &#1402;&#1377;&#1407;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398;&#1400;&#1394; &#1390;&#1377;&#1397;&#1408;&#1377;&#1392;&#1381;&#1394; &#1405;&#1400;&#1394;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1394; &#1406;&#1381;&#1408;&#1403;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; "&#1343;&#1377;&#1389;&#1377;&#1408;&#1380;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#1377;&#1394;&#1403;&#1387;&#1391; Fetish &#1405;&#1377;&#1408;&#1405;&#1377;&#1411;» &#1386;&#1377;&#1398;&#1408;&#1387; &#1382;&#1378;&#1377;&#1394;&#1381;&#1409;&#1408;&#1377;&#1390; &#1399;&#1377;&#1408;&#1412;, &#1387;&#1398;&#1401;&#1402;&#1387;&#1405;&#1387;&#1412; &#1381;&#1398; &#1381;&#1410; Bludgeoning Angel Dokuro-chan. &#1329;&#1397;&#1398; &#1378;&#1389;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1383; &#1387;&#1408; &#1377;&#1398;&#1406;&#1377;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396;&#1384; &#1387;&#1408; &#1406;&#1387;&#1395;&#1377;&#1392;&#1377;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1397;&#1409; &#1400;&#1408;&#1398; &#1384;&#1398;&#1380;&#1379;&#1408;&#1391;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1407;&#1408;&#1377;&#1398;&#1405;&#1414;&#1400;&#1408;&#1396;&#1377;&#1407;&#1400;&#1408;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1387; &#1405;&#1407;&#1377;&#1398;&#1377;&#1388;&#1400;&#1410; &#1387;&#1399;&#1389;&#1377;&#1398;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398; &#1333;&#1408;&#1378; &#1398;&#1408;&#1377;&#1398;&#1412; &#1392;&#1377;&#1396;&#1378;&#1400;&#1410;&#1408;&#1381;&#1409; &#1396;&#1377;&#1408;&#1380;&#1400;&#1410; &#1387; &#1414;&#1400;&#1410;&#1407;&#1378;&#1400;&#1388;&#1387;&#1405;&#1407;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408; &#1400;&#1406;&#1412;&#1381;&#1408; &#1354;&#1377;&#1407;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1397;&#1379; &#1392;&#1381;&#1407; &#1404;&#1400;&#1378;&#1400;&#1407;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1387; &#1381;&#1410; &#1391;&#1387;&#1405;&#1406;&#1381;&#1388; &#1387;&#1408;&#1381;&#1398;&#1409; &#1377;&#1408;&#1391;&#1377;&#1390;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1387;. &#1337;&#1381;&#1381;&#1410; &#1377;&#1397;&#1405; &#1391;&#1377;&#1408;&#1400;&#1394; &#1383; &#1385;&#1406;&#1377;&#1388; &#1396;&#1387; &#1407;&#1381;&#1394;&#1377;&#1399;&#1377;&#1408;&#1386;&#1400;&#1406; &#1338;&#1400;&#1394;&#1400;&#1406;&#1408;&#1380;&#1377;&#1379;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1384; &#1381;&#1408;&#1387;&#1407;&#1377;&#1405;&#1377;&#1408;&#1380; &#1377;&#1394;&#1403;&#1387;&#1391;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1387;, &#1377;&#1397;&#1398; &#1383;, &#1400;&#1408; &#1377;&#1397;&#1380; &#1379;&#1387;&#1390;&#1384; &#1398;&#1402;&#1377;&#1407;&#1377;&#1391;&#1398; &#1383;&#1408; &#1396;&#1387; &#1399;&#1377;&#1407; &#1377;&#1406;&#1381;&#1388;&#1387; &#1401;&#1377;&#1411;&#1377;&#1392;&#1377;&#1405; &#1407;&#1394;&#1377;&#1396;&#1377;&#1408;&#1380;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398;&#1409; &#1388;&#1405;&#1377;&#1408;&#1377;&#1398;&#1387;. &#1339;&#1408;&#1400;&#1412;, &#1377;&#1397;&#1398; &#1389;&#1377;&#1394;&#1377;&#1388;&#1387;&#1412;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1400;&#1406; &#1391;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1383; «&#1407;&#1377;&#1408;&#1387;&#1412;&#1387; 15 &#1381;&#1410; &#1396;&#1387;&#1398;&#1401;&#1381;&#1410;« &#1398;&#1377;&#1389;&#1377;&#1382;&#1379;&#1400;&#1410;&#1399;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396; &#1381;&#1410; &#1377;&#1404;&#1377;&#1408;&#1391;&#1377; &#1400;&#1410;&#1394;&#1381;&#1391;&#1409;&#1400;&#1394; &#1392;&#1381;&#1404;&#1400;&#1410; &#1381;&#1408;&#1381;&#1389;&#1377; &#1378;&#1377;&#1408;&#1381;&#1391;&#1377;&#1396;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398;.
Ecology: &#1344;&#1381;&#1407;&#1400; &#1381;&#1382;&#1408;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398;&#1384; &#1377;&#1404;&#1377;&#1403;&#1387;&#1398; &#1406;&#1381;&#1408;&#1403;&#1387;&#1398; &#1392;&#1377;&#1396;&#1378;&#1400;&#1410;&#1397;&#1408;&#1384; &#1389;&#1377;&#1394;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1394;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408;&#1384; &#1407;&#1381;&#1394;&#1377;&#1411;&#1400;&#1389;&#1406;&#1381;&#1409; &#1387;&#1408; &#1381;&#1408;&#1391;&#1408;&#1400;&#1408;&#1380; &#1381;&#1410; &#1406;&#1381;&#1408;&#1403;&#1398;&#1377;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398; &#1411;&#1400;&#1410;&#1388;&#1400;&#1410;&#1396;, &#1389;&#1377;&#1394;&#1377;&#1409;&#1400;&#1394;&#1398;&#1381;&#1408; &#1402;&#1377;&#1399;&#1407;&#1400;&#1398;&#1384;, &#1400;&#1408;&#1384; &#1407;&#1381;&#1394;&#1377;&#1411;&#1400;&#1389;&#1406;&#1381;&#1388; &#1400;&#1410;&#1399;&#1377;&#1380;&#1408;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398; &#1383; &#1392;&#1405;&#1407;&#1377;&#1391; &#1377;&#1406;&#1381;&#1388;&#1387; &#1406;&#1377;&#1408;&#1391;&#1377;&#1398;&#1387;&#1399; (&#1381;&#1410; &#1396;&#1381;&#1390; &#1402;&#1377;&#1407;&#1396;&#1400;&#1410;&#1385;&#1397;&#1400;&#1410;&#1398; nerd) &#1385;&#1381;&#1396;&#1377;&#1397;&#1400;&#1406;, &#1385;&#1381;&#1381;&#1410; &#1380;&#1377; &#1380;&#1381;&#1404; &#1387;&#1398;&#1401;&#1402;&#1387;&#1405;&#1387; &#1390;&#1377;&#1398;&#1408; &#1383; cute girls &#1385;&#1381;&#1396;&#1377;&#1397;&#1400;&#1406;.
Last edited by Shrapnel on Thu Jun 27, 2013 9:18 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Is this wretched demi-bee
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Some freak from a menagerie?
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Post by Shrapnel » Mon Jun 24, 2013 12:52 am

I apologize for the long line of letters, my head literally hit the key board in the end.
No more late night posting for me!
Is this wretched demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric, the half a bee
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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:32 am

Plant, Intelligent
8 entries in one!
Hangman Tree:
Climate/Terrain: Temperate or subtropical forest
Frequency: Very rare
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Day
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low (5-7)
Treasure: Incidental
Alignment: Neutral (evil)
No. Appearing:
Armor Class: 3/5
Movement: 0; see below
Hit Dice: 6, +1 hp per year
THAC0: 7
No. of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 1-3
Special Attacks: See below
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: See below
Size: H-G (20’+ tall)
Morale: Champion (15)
XP Value: 1,400
Basically, it's a mobile carnivorous plant that has Improved Grab and Swallow Whole and has noose tendrils that have individual HP and that kind of shit. I approve. However, it also has a lot of stupid written in, mostly regarding that it has different age categories listed with different powers but no different XP values (so apparently the 1 HD noncombatant sprout is worth just as much as the millennium-old monstrosity with 95% magic resistance. Planting hangman tree sprouts and killing them is an easy way to level up.)
A Hangman Tree Sapling.
Kelpie
Climate/Terrain: Temperate or tropical saltwater
Frequency: Very rare
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low-Average (5-10)
Treasure: D
Alignment: Neutral evil
No. Appearing: 1-4
Armor Class: 3
Movement: 9, Sw 12
Hit Dice: 5
THAC0: Nil
No. of Attacks: 0
Damage/Attack: Nil
Special Attacks: See below
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: M (6'-7' tall)
Morale: Elite (13)
XP Value: 420
Kelpies are one of the gender-dependent monsters that always raised more questions to me than they answered.They're always after the menfolk, so having ladyparts is explicitly an (admittedly minor) advantage in D&D (well, after the sexist lowered STR maximums for females were removed.) Which always raised the question to me: what happens if they target LGBT folk? Even if AD&D was like Pokemon (or Iran) and therefore didn't have homosexuals, what happens if kelpies or nymphs or foxwomen try to charm someone hit by a girdle of sex change? Or a member of a race that is hermaphroditic? You can't tell me either of those aren't in 2e. I know I'm overthinking this, but that's gotten to me ever since I first read this book at age 8 or so.
EDIT: I just realized that I forgot to mention that polymorph effects in general makes the kelpie's whole entry fall apart (a humanoid male that turns either into a non-humanoid or a non-male creature, what happens then?) Seriously 2e, these entries raise more questions than they answer.
Rant aside, it can 1/day charm a male who sees it, which apparently allows it to make them see it as a comely woman or horse (unfortunately, no centaurs,) and brings them underwater in order to get them to drown, and then eats them. Other than that, they can't fight; literally their only other combat ability is that they have what's basically Evasion vs. fire effects. So they're basically free XP for female characters.
This is taking much longer than expected, so I'll post up the rest later.
Last edited by Darth Rabbitt on Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:06 am

Continued from last post:
Obliviax:
Climate/Terrain: Any warm land
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Colony
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Soil, water, memories
Intelligence: Average (8)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral evil
No. Appearing: 2-12
Armor Class: 10
Movement: 0
Hit Dice: 1-2 hp
THAC0: 20
No. of Attacks: 0
Damage/Attack: Nil
Special Attacks: See below
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: T (6" square)
Morale: Average (9)
XP Value: 35
These guys eat memories, which is kind of cool I guess. This primarily fucks over wizards who fail a saving throw vs. spell. The main problem is that it's unclear whether or not it will target Muggle characters at all, or only spellcasters:

> The moss senses intelligent creatures within 60 feet; it chooses one, preferring wizards, then other spellcasters.

Then what?
Its only method of fighting is to cast memorized spells that it has eaten, if it has any. It does this by creating a tiny moss replica of whoever's memories it's using. No, really:

> If an obliviax with stolen memories is attacked, it forms part of itself into a tiny moss imitation of the creature whose memories it stole.

Obliviax ready to defend itself.
You can eat it (requiring a save vs. poison or be nauseated for 3d6 rounds) to regain your lost memories, or gain other peoples' lost memories (and their spells) but these go away in a day. It is again unclear whether or not you need to be able to cast spells to use the spells you learned from the moss:

> Extra memories and spells can be gained by eating obliviax which has fed on someone else recently. Spells can be used by the eater, but all such memories fade within a day.

Whoops.
Quickwood:
Climate/Terrain: Any forest with oaks
Frequency: Very rare
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Soil, water
Intelligence: Very (11-12)
Treasure: Special
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 1 (90%) or 2-4 (10%)
Armor Class: 5
Movement: 1 (roots 3)
Hit Dice: 5-10
THAC0: 5-6 HD: 15; 7-8 HD: 13; 9-10 HD: 11
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 3-12
Special Attacks: Roots
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: L (12'+ tall)
Morale: Champion (15-16)
XP Value: 5 HD: 2,000 (+1,000 for each added Hit Die)
Quickwoods are puzzle monsters that are immune to bludgeoning weapons, fire, lighting, poison, and gasses. It is also effectively immune to piercing weapons (only takes 1 damage) and forces anyone casting a spell at it to make a save or have the spell be absorbed by the tree, which then casts fear with the spell energy. Otherwise, it uses its roots to grab people and then bite them.
A quickwood attacking a party.
The remains of a quickwood's last foe.
Also it "can control up to 2d4 normal oaks within one mile, using them to gather information" but doesn't explain what this control entails other than that it uses them to gather information. In general these entries are too complicated for the little blurbs that they're getting. BUT AT LEAST IT HAS RULES FOR THE ADVANCED VERSIONS GIVING MORE XP.
Shambling Mound
Climate/Terrain: Swamps or wet subterranean
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Omnivore
Intelligence: Low (5-7)
Treasure: B,T,X
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 1-3
Armor Class: 0
Movement: 6
Hit Dice: 8-11
THAC0: 8 HD: 13; 9-10 HD: 11; 11 HD: 9
No. of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 2-16/2-16
Special Attacks: Suffocation
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: L (6-9’ tall)
Morale: Fanatic (17-18)
XP Value: 8 HD: 6,000 (+1000 for each added Hit Die)
So Shambling Mounds are like more powerful versions of what they are in 3.x: immune to fire rather than resistant, lightning gives it extra HD permanently rather than temporary Con, suffocate rather than constrict, -3 to opponent's surprise rolls rather than hide bonus in swampy areas; it also gets immunity to blunt weapons and half damage from piercing and slashing ones, improved evasion vs. cold, and heals to full if it rests in vegetation for 12 hours because fuck you. But at least you get good XP and loot if you actually manage to kill one.
A Shambling Mound examines its treasure.
Also, apparently there might be giant shamblers out there that powergame by letting will-o-wisps zap them until they get 20+ HD.
A giant Shambling Mound.
I will finish the last three soon.

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Post by Maxus » Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:10 am

I remember that Ernest movie!
He jumps like a damned dragoon, and charges into battle fighting rather insane monsters with little more than his bare hands and rather nasty spell effects conjured up solely through knowledge and the local plantlife. He unerringly knows where his goal lies, he breathes underwater and is untroubled by space travel, seems to have no limits to his actual endurance and favors killing his enemies by driving both boots square into their skull. His agility is unmatched, and his strength legendary, able to fling about a turtle shell big enough to contain a man with enough force to barrel down a near endless path of unfortunates.
--The horror of Mario
Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath. He is a terrible person and a hack at writing and art. His cultural contributions are less than Justin Bieber's, and he's a shitmuffin. Go go gadget Googlebomb!
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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:38 am

> Maxus wrote:I remember that Ernest movie!

I was seriously tempted to include "immune to all attack forms other than milk and unconditional love; shamblers with 11+ HD can only be harmed by the latter" when I went over the shambling mound's defenses.

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Post by Red_Rob » Sat Jul 27, 2013 12:17 pm

> Darth Rabbitt wrote:You can eat it (requiring a save vs. poison or be nauseated for 3d6 rounds) to regain your lost memories, or gain other peoples' lost memories (and their spells) but these go away in a day. It is again unclear whether or not you need to be able to cast spells to use the spells you learned from the moss:

> > Extra memories and spells can be gained by eating obliviax which has fed on someone else recently. Spells can be used by the eater, but all such memories fade within a day.

> Whoops.

Seems like an Obliviax farm would be a great way to pass spells on to non-casters. I'm sure there are a number of incredibly broken things you could do with that...

> Also, apparently there might be giant shamblers out there that powergame by letting will-o-wisps zap them until they get 20+ HD.

Why do they stop at 20HD? Seems like the kind of thing some evil Druid would encourage - forced Shamblers emerging from the swamp every season should keep those pesky City dwellers at bay!

> I will finish the last three soon.

How soon is now?
Simplified Tome Armor.
Tome item system and expanded Wish Economy rules.
Try our fantasy card game Clash of Nations! Available via Print on Demand.
“Those Who Can Make You Believe Absurdities, Can Make You Commit Atrocities” - Voltaire
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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Sat Jul 27, 2013 1:28 pm

Obliviax is crazy fucking abusive, and it's "20 or more Hit Dice" so the giant shamblers might be even bigger than that.
And soon can be now.
Strangleweed
Climate/Terrain: Subtropical or tropical ocean
Frequency: Common
Organization: Bed
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Animal (1)
Treasure: J-N,Q,C
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 3-12
Armor Class: 6
Movement: 0
Hit Dice: 2-4
THAC0: 2 HD: 19; 3-4 HD: 17
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: See below
Special Attacks: Crushing
Special Defenses: Nil
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: L (7-12’ long)
Morale: Average (9)
XP Value: 2 HD: 120; 3 HD: 175; 4 HD: 270
Strangleweed are basically aquatic assassin vines. 2e grappling appears to be written on an entry by entry basis. Compare to the quickwood:

> Quickwood wrote:Roots cause no damage. They are too strong to be broken and take no damage from blunt weapons, and only 1 point of damage from piercing weapons. Edged weapons can sever roots, which are treated as large creatures with 10 hp each; damage inflicted to the roots does not count toward the tree’s total. The quickwood will allow up to six of its roots to be severed before it withdraws the other 1d6+6 to safety. The roots pull prey to the quickwood’s mouth, which can clamp down to cause 3d4 points of damage to anything touching it.

> Strangleweed wrote:Any creature near enough is attacked, a hit indicating that the frond has entwined about its victim. Any victim entwined suffers a -2 penalty to attack rolls. Each frond has 4d4 Strength points, and the other fronds add their Strength to the total. A victim compares Strength with the strangleweed; Strengths of 18/51 to 18/00 are rounded up to 19. If the victim is stronger, each point of difference in Strength gives a 10% chance of escape, which can be attempted each round.

Note that the grappling mechanic is more explained in the Strangleweed entry, but it mysteriously lacks the "attempt to cut yourself free from its grip" section that the quickwood possesses. For some reason this amuses me, probably because the strangleweed is supposed to be weaker. Additionally, it never mentions how close is "near enough", which is kind of really fucking important. My guess would be "within reach" but this is 2e.
Also note that on average you're fucked if two or more fronds manage to grab you, since it's fairly likely that your Strength isn't higher than 20 or so because this is 2e. And that's assuming you're a fighting class that rolled well for Strength; if you're a thief or a wizard or something you're basically dead if one frond gets you. And while their damage isn't great (1 per point of Str greater than the person being grappled) keep in mind that these things are fucking aquatic, which means that they're probably holding you underwater, and therefore drown you while you're stuck in their grasp.
Strangleweed doing what it does best: grappling the fuck out of people.
But I think that the most whack part of the tangleweed entry is that it has shittons of treasure, but it's not explained why; it's the least intelligent of the intelligent plants (well, tied with the thorny, which will be covered later) and it seems far less likely to need treasure as a lure as, say, the hangman tree would (which doesn't collect treasure).
And I have to get going for now, so I'll have to cover the last two entries later.

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Darth Rabbitt
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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Mon Jul 29, 2013 1:11 am

OK, now I finish the Plant, Intelligent entry.
Sundew, Giant
Climate/Terrain: Temperate or tropical forest
Frequency: Uncommon
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Day
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Semi- (2-4)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 1-4
Armor Class: 7
Movement: 1
Hit Dice: 8
THAC0: 13
No. of Attacks: 6 per target
Damage/Attack: 1-3
Special Attacks: Suffocation
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: M (3-4’ tall)
Morale: Steady (11)
XP Value: 2,000
OK, so the Giant Sundew is a giant version of an actual carnivorous plant (like the Mantrap found in the section "Plant, Dangerous - for some strange reason sundews are intelligent but flytraps are not.)
A Giant Sundew uses its intelligence to lure its prey closer.
(After like 3 entries on intelligent plants that use noodly appendages to grapple prey, I finally caved in and made a tentacle joke. So sue me.)
Also, it is described as a "a 3- to 4 foot-mound of grayish green, tarry ropes or rags."
Sure looks like a rag pile to me!
Yeah, this is going to be one of those entries. Like the Urchin.

> Plant, Intelligent wrote:Preferring shaded places in which to grow, the sundew has only hair-like roots that anchor it lightly in place.

> Wikipedia wrote:Sundews generally grow in seasonally moist or more rarely constantly wet habitats with acidic soils and high levels of sunlight.

NOW I SEE WHY MY PROFESSORS DON'T WANT ME USING WIKIPEDIA AS A SOURCE. IT DOESN'T KNOW ITS STUFF LIKE 2E AD&D DOES.
OK, OK, I'll stop bitching even though 2e considers itself so big on the RAELAFGJSRGKJ but can't even fucking check what the fuck a sundew is. It's really not much different from most of these entries: it's a grapple monster (see also: Hangman Tree, Quickwood, Shambling Mound, Strangleweed) that suffocates people (see also: Kelpie, Shambling Mound, Strangleweed) and has a few bullshit resistances (see also: Hangman Tree, Kelpie, Quickwood, Shambling Mound). There are only so many ways to say "this thing is a closet troll" which is why these are taking longer and longer to write up. But after the Thorny, this review is fucking over.
This could have been used for pretty much any entry here.
Thorny
Climate/Terrain: Warm, wet forests or caves
Frequency: Very rare
Organization: Pack
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Animal (1)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral
No. Appearing: 2-20
Armor Class: 3
Movement: 15
Hit Dice: 4
THAC0: 17
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 2-5
Special Attacks: Thorn rake
Special Defenses: Nil
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: M (4' long)
Morale: Steady (11-12)
XP Value: 175

> Thorny wrote:Thornies are dog-like plant creatures trained as guards by mold men. They are covered by a spiky bark. A thorny attacks first with its bite; if the bite hits, the creature tries to roll its body against its victim, causing 3d4 points of damage with a successful hit. Thornies reproduce by laying egg-like seeds in the ground. A small tree sprouts from the seed, eventually producing buds which grow into small thornies. Thornies can be trained if raised from buds.

That's seriously the whole fucking entry. And you know what, even though it's the shortest, it's the least stupid. Actually, it's probably the least stupid because it's the shortest entry.
A Thorny.
I need a stiff drink.

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:21 pm

I was going to do an entry on humans, but then I saw a naked nymph and the entry got blinded and died from erotic overdose. So you'll have to make do with this as your entry.
Think I'm getting lazy? Well, the answer to that is...
Yes. Yes I am.
Last edited by Shrapnel on Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Is this wretched demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric, the half a bee
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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Wed Aug 27, 2014 2:30 am

Tarrasque

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any land
FREQUENCY: Unique
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: See Below
DIET: EVERYTHING GRRAAAARRR
INTELLIGENCE: Animal (1)
TREASURE: See Below (aka we won't tell you)
ALIGNMENT: Nil
_____________________________
NO. APPEARING: 1 Tarrasque? That's a lot. Seriously, a lot!
ARMOR CLASS: -3
MOVEMENT: 9, Zerg Rush 15
HIT DICE: 300 hp (approx. 70 HD)
THAC0: -5
NO. OF ATTACKS: 6
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-12/1-12/2-24/5-50/1-10/1-10
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Sharpness bite, terror, Chris Christie
SPECIAL DEFENSES: See Below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
SIZE: G (50' long)
MORALE: Champion (15)
XP VALUE: 107,000
The tarrasque is, like, THE go-to monster for when you want to pull Gojira level amounts of destruction out of your ass. It's a great big scaly lizard thingy with horns, a tail, and a "reflective carapace". It eats and destroys just about anything it sets it's great big monstery peepers on. And it's often brown.
Basically, all you need to know is that it's big, it's ugly, and it's gonna tear you a new one.
Combat: The tarrasque just goes around killing things, and it does it really good. Usually, it's asleep underneath the waters of Japan, but when it awakes, it eats everything and anything that moves or has voting rights in sight, much like many BotCon attendants. It's normal attacks are with it's two gigantass claws for a whoppin' 1d12 points of damage each, a sweeping lash with it's long, luxurious tail (2d12 damage), BITE (DARK, BASE POWER 60, ACCURACY 100, PP 25) which apparently acts like a sword of sharpness, severing limbs like it was Starship Troopers on a natural 18 or better, and two thrusting horn attacks. You know which horns I'm talkin' 'bout. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Once every term, the normally slow moving George Bush can rush forward into a decade long war that no one wants in a country no one wants to be in.
As for the tarrasque, once every turn it can rush forward at a movement rate of 15, making all dick-horn attacks cause double damage and trampling anything unlucky enough to be playing in a campaign with a tarrasque in it for 4d10 points of damage of the crushing variety.
The mere sight of a DM pulling out a tarrasque causes players with less than twenty-seven years experiance with Unix or less than 3 levels or HD to be paralyzed, reducing SPEED and potentially preventing the player from acting. Dudes with of 3 levels or higher flee in panic, and shit with seven levels or higher can make a saving throw versus pants-shitting, and if they succeed, they are unaffected, but will still probably run away like a little girl at the sight of the terrifying tarrasque.
It's skin is tough, and most types of magic won't do shit. In fact, magic is such shit against it that the tarrasque will be like, "Oh, you think you can magic missile ME, you mothern**ger? Here, take your magic missile back... into your honky ass Asian face!" (NOTE: I am half-asleep as I write this, so any incompreshisbility is entirely due to that. Totally.)
Oh, and the horrific tarrasque is also immune to shit like heat and fire and shit. And it can regenerate HP at a rate of 1 HP per trousers shattered. Only enchanted weapons have any hope of doing any kind of shit to the mighty tarrasque.
And it's immune to all psionics.
Because lol fuck psionsicts.
Habitat/Society: The tarrasque is a cultured and well-heeled beast, having only the finest tastes in both music and wine. It usually keeps a well stocked larder of fine wine, whiskey, and human body parts. It collects great works of art, and every year hosts extravagant parties at it's Winchester abode solely to show off it's impressive collection of rare paintings, sculptures, and tortured screams. It is also terrified of bees, and will scream like a bitch if one happens to fly by.
Ecology: The tarrasque is great, man. I love it. Just fucking love it.
Fuck.
Is this wretched demi-bee
Half asleep upon my knee
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric, the half a bee
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