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## A Bunch of Orphaned Magic Items That Nobody Asked For

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JigokuBosatsu
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### A Bunch of Orphaned Magic Items That Nobody Asked For

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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Mon Apr 15, 2019 10:59 pm

From a Bunch of Unused Campaign Settings Loosely Tied Together and Never Seen by Anyone!
As the title and subtitle suggest, I have a bunch of this crap. I don't have any illusions anymore of ever completing my vague and ever-changing RPG/campaign setting thingy, but every so often when I have a quiet few minutes of lucidity I work on these magic items as a writing exercise.
I let Prak have a bunch of them for a campaign, but otherwise these are sitting in the metaphorical woodshed. My inclination is to just release them for free here, but I wanted to share some examples to see if you guys might have any suggestions on what to do with them. Free PDF on drivebyrpg? Start a twitter account and share one every day? Or just forget it because $CHINATOWN?
Examples to follow, but I should mention I used classic D&D stuff, random generator output, and Dark Souls items as seeds for coming up with these, though the fluff comes from various campaign worlds of my own with the occasional real world reference. (Iggy Pop? Why?) My goal for the tone of these was as if Gabriel Garcia Marquez was in charge of writing Bloodborne item descriptions.
Barrow Cake: (magical crafting materiel)
Found in many ancient tombs, these are petrified slices of celebratory cake from some ancient celebration. Barrow Cake is commonly used as in the construction of larger structures, as a decorative lintel or arch keystone when the builder wishes to make a statement about their traditional values or conspicuous wealth. While not “impossible” to eat a slice of Barrow Cake, it is highly difficult and generally inadvisable.
Pumpkin Nephew: (construct)
This curious thing is as might be guessed, a large orange pumpkin, but with a child-sized body dressed in leather shorts and suspenders, and occasionally a smart hat with a pheasant feather. A pumpkin nephew will bond to its owner and accepts even unspoken commands, which it fulfills to the best of its ability. The nephews are generally used as sentries and factotums, as they are able to find people and locations instinctively. Occasional variants such as Gourd Uncles and Courgette Nieces are seen and used in slightly different capacities. The blank face of the Nephew is of course incapable of communication, but terrifying stories are told of wizards carving jack-o-lanterns out of Nephews. The resulting carnage can only be imagined.
Chaindust Sphere: (missile weapon)
A fist-sized orb of an unkown and terrifically heavy metal, the purpose of this device remains unknown. Upon activation, links of chain emerge from both poles and begin whipping about violently, at first creating a cloud of dust but then with enough force to flay skin and destroy wood and stone. A particularly sophisticated user might be able to program a delay of up to a minute on the sphere, but most users must rely upon luck and precise timing.
Goodfish's Bonegush Drink: (strength potion)
Once, the field of patent medicine became so crowded a thousand mountebanks each hawked a product identical to his competitors, and all bore testimonials describing them as “the ultimate,” “only you will ever need,” “exceeding in purity and efficacy,” and bearing the most cloyingly sweet appellations to boot. As in any business a backlash against this vogue emerged, and products became lauded for their foul tastes and disgusting ingredients, and the most popular were the ones who bore such counter-intuitive names such as Internal Cactus, Toilet, and 1000 Nuns and Orphans (Eaten by Rats). The Bonegush Drink is one such, and despite its slightly sickening name is a simple remedy for muscle weakness, with some common ingredients tinctured in neutral spirits. Imbibed by the healthy, of course, it grants preternatural strength for a short time.
Perfected Foundation Chakra: (stability ring)
These tiny cloth scraps are cut from flags sacred to the mountain people, once those holy pennants become too wind-blown and faded. Imprinted with a dense tangle of sacred designs, if the Chakra cloth is held against one’s spine during a lengthy meditation, it will adhere there, balancing the wearer’s energies and causing them to be as stable and unmovable as a stone statue. This does not of course prevent any injuries directly, but even the most cloistered monk would agree that ‘not being knocked over in combat’ is one important factor in living along and healthy life.
Last edited by JigokuBosatsu on Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
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Omegonthesane
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Post by Omegonthesane » Tue Apr 16, 2019 8:13 pm

Sadly most of the special items from my D&D campaign were pretty boring in nature.
Nekro: (drug)
This green liquid is addictive, and deadly. Using it causes intense pleasure, but also Constitution damage and potential Constitution drain - and if it kills you, your body becomes a zombie immediately. It was discovered by a necromancer trying to cut costs of the manufacture of Liquid Pain by using zombies instead of living people as torture victims, and perpetuated after that because it can still be used to make Lesser Magic Items and also just as a drug. (Mechanically I think it just used the Liquid Pain rules)
And some books that appeared in loot:
The Book of VD: Why you must confess all acts of pleasure to an Evil cleric immediately
Skowl's Guide to Acupuncture, a fencing manual supposedly written by the Republic's arch-jester
Argumentum ad Baculum, a famous entry-level treatise by a Chaotic Evil philosopher
The Gods Hate You: Make Them Hate Everyone Else More, a Neutral Evil religious text
A hand-written copy of The Proper Use of Horrifying Atrocities to Demoralise your Adversaries, or 101 Reasons To Wear Someone's Skull As A Hat
Pamphlet of Vile Darkness (Lesser +Wis item that only works if the user is Evil and attempts to convert anyone who reads it to Evil, DC 13 Will negates) (OK that was just a lesser magic item with very minor custom modifications)
99 Reasons Why, a Kuo-Toa religious text

> Kaelik wrote:Because powerful men get away with terrible shit, and even the public domain ones get ignored, and then, when the floodgates open, it turns out there was a goddam flood behind it.

Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath, Justin Bieber, shitmuffin
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JigokuBosatsu
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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:58 pm

> Omegonthesane wrote: Pamphlet of Vile Darkness

Oddly enough, I had this one already:
Brochure of the Ashen Museum: [dark buff]
Its pages are filled with fascinating, if gruesome, pictures, but not a word of the text that describes them is intelligible, no matter what expertise, technology, or even sorcery is applied to the problem. No evidence of the Ashen Museum's location, or even existence, has been found, but perusal of the Brochure can lead to a sort of obsession over that mystery. Those so fixated are often "blessed" with a dark and dangerous puissance.
And I like your stuff, personally I made this post because I was trying to figure out a way to offload my collection. Suppose it doesn't hurt if other people post their random magic items for general use.

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
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Omegonthesane
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Post by Omegonthesane » Wed Apr 17, 2019 6:16 pm

I suppose I could list all the Artifacts I shat out during that Dawn of Worlds forum game in 2013-14. But their mechanical effect in the original context was "+1 to a thing done on the scale of divine intervention" so it's story ideas rather than mechanics.
A lot of these are just "musical instrument that does a thing" I must warn you.
The Ocarina of Fire, whoever plays it can control fire while playing it, which later became a much more significant artifact when it passed through the Void and got mutated by Void-powers
The Dancer's Bells, literal bells meant to be attached to wrist and ankle bands, which mentally compel any person who hears them to dance to the beat
The Horn of Winter, another boring one here, a horn as in the musical instrument which shoots blasts of cold when played
The Fan of Gales, similarly in the boring category, a fan which blows
a gale instead of the naturally likely amount of air movement when swung
The Earthquake Drum, which is not something you want to play in populated areas
The Living City, a living member of a race of tentacle monsters grown so large that by hollowing them out the builders could make a habitable location. The construction was performed somewhere with different laws of physics, so the poor bastard was covered in tattoos that magically enforced the subtly different physics required to not just collapse under its own weight.
The Dream Twister, a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep. (Name totally stolen from Alpha Centauri)
The Rings of Telepathy, a weird scheme in which a whole bunch of cheap mass-producible rings were seeded into the population, and then anyone wearing one of the eight Master Rings could read the thoughts of anyone wearing one of the many, many, many Lesser Rings. So a more shit version of the One Ring when I put it that way, but with wider coverage. (There were eight master rings because the species what made them had eight tentacles and thus its number system was based on eights.)
The Book of Death, OK this one gets a description
On first reading, the Book of Death appears to be a picture book - only, the pictures are all scenes of death, some brutally quick, some agonisingly slow, all horrifying in their way. A person who looked more closely, and could decipher the musical staves in which Singer-speech of old was written, would realise that these pictures were in fact drawn in runes, runes which instructed the reader in a spell which would inflict the form of horrifying death portrayed.
And an honourable mention to The Garden of Pestilence, which wasn't really portable, being just a collection of a shitload of poisonous plants.
Last edited by Omegonthesane on Wed Apr 17, 2019 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

> Kaelik wrote:Because powerful men get away with terrible shit, and even the public domain ones get ignored, and then, when the floodgates open, it turns out there was a goddam flood behind it.

Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath, Justin Bieber, shitmuffin
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JigokuBosatsu
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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Wed Apr 17, 2019 6:18 pm

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

So a regular glass armonica?

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
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Omegonthesane
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  Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:55 pm

###

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Post by Omegonthesane » Wed Apr 17, 2019 6:22 pm

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:

> > Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> So a regular glass armonica?

I imagined the effect extended beyond mundane earshot and "the next night you sleep after the armonica is played" rather than having to play the thing all night.

> Kaelik wrote:Because powerful men get away with terrible shit, and even the public domain ones get ignored, and then, when the floodgates open, it turns out there was a goddam flood behind it.

Zak S, Zak Smith, Dndwithpornstars, Zak Sabbath, Justin Bieber, shitmuffin
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JigokuBosatsu
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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Thu Apr 18, 2019 1:20 pm

Well, until anyone has a good idea for what to do with this corpus, I'll post some here and there for shitzengiggels.
Thundering Scripture: [lightning bomb]
It is rare for a religion to allow its adherents to damage their relics or destroy their holy texts, and it is almost completely unheard of for such a religion to encourage said practice. So it was for one faith of antiquity, whose patriarchs developed powers to rival lightning-storms and even the very shaking and heaving of the earth itself. The first such public display coincided with a divinely inspired moment of iconoclasm, wherein a certain anchorite ripped an enormous codex of iron and leather in twain with his bare hands, and let loose such a bolt of lightning that it nearly vaporized an invading force of nonbelievers. Since then similar miracles are much less common, though weaker ones proliferated first through the lesser clergy and then being bestowed upon deacons and auspicious holy-day tithers. To this end a series of Scriptures were printed in large quantities, in bundles of thin paper for easier sundering, the holy texts printed in such tiny characters that even an iconoclastic ant would strain to read them.
Lava Tonics:
The fabled drink of the Dero. Many brands exist, of varying taste and strength, including "small tonic" which is had by all Dero as soon as they are weaned, potable water in the Underwarrens being scarce. Effects vary for non-Dero, but generally provide healing, enhanced vigor, and sometimes side effects such as fire breath. If this latter persists longer than a night's watch, help from a chirurgeon should be immediately sought.
Drunken Bracer:
Tales are often told of magic swords imbued with either a martial cunning or a sinister preternatural intelligence. These artifacts come about when some powerful wizard applies his full power toward their creation. What the tales rarely mention are the factory rejects and scratch-and-dent models. The Drunken Bracers, of which about two score remain from antiquity, were misenchanted by a wizard whose name is unknown, but who was suffering from one devil of a hangover while performing his magical operations. While worn, these magical arm guards provide excellent protection, but also cause the wearer to be stone drunk for as long as they are worn. As there are not the same health risks from this as from real drink, some drunkards on the mend use the bracers to wean themselves. Others have found their way into torture chambers as a means of loosening prisoners' tongues.
Cold Glass Eye: [cure insanity]
No matter the malady, whether apoplexy, monomania, or trauma-induced terror, sometimes all one needs is a quiet moment of reflection. Those can be hard to come by in your average trap-filled dungeon, so wresting a brief pause can be accomplished by spending an intimate moment peering into the Cold Glass Eye. Be careful- what if the Eye spends a moment peering into you?
Thespian's Incense: [gaseous form]
In accomplishing the magic of the theater, black pyjamas and trap doors only go so far. Adroit thespians have burned this acrid Incense far into antiquity, and its smell (quite dissimilar to its Moonlight cousin) has become inseparable from the theater itself. Whether the incense allows for true apportation or simply gives the illusion of such to an audience's brains, well...

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
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JigokuBosatsu
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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Thu May 30, 2019 3:10 pm

Cube of Time's Hand: [freedom of movement]
While much attention is given by our three-dimensional minds to the problem of space- too much, not enough, filled with fire or spikes, etc- the problem of time is just as serious, perhaps more so, though this lament is typically reserved for the scribbling of poets and philosophers than the average jasper going about their business in some forgotten catacomb. To become paralyzed is inadvisable in any situation, such as eating a large summer sausage or driving a cart down a narrow mountain road, but in deadly combat with hideous monsters it is perhaps the worst. A number of creatures cause paralysis, whether as a means to secure prey such as spiders and ghouls, or simply as a side effect of their otherworldly auras, like liches or The Quiet Lady. To be able to resist this is a highly useful capability, and an ancient artifact of unknown provenance provides just this. The Cube of Time’s Hand is a small cube of a dark and lustrous metal almost identical in appearance to hematite, with faint traceries of a silver inlay in arcane arrangements. Rubbing one’s fingers along the traceries in particular configurations allows for various effects, but the only mudra that has remained in common knowledge is the one that frees the body in one’s own frame of time for but an instant, allowing freedom from paralysis the next time one is immobilized. In bygone times when the Cube was more frequently used, this mudra could be done in an altered fashion to free oneself from any type of binding, or from magical compulsion, and many others besides. The method for performing these effects is known only in theory by a few sages, who are generally not of sound enough health to venture out where they might need such a device. Adventurers of simpler stock need not worry, as a rudimentary but functional form of the paralysis mudra has found its way into the praying hands of any number of common faiths.
Absorbs Carnage, Reluctantly: [health bonus]
This bracelet appears much like any roughly stamped leather that might be the simple decoration of many peoples. Upon closer examination the tooling of the leather is not man made, but rather the twisted form of a very small, bracelet-shaped creature. This creature, clearly produced by either a sadistic god or soulless biothaumaturgist, is generally quiet, but when its wearer receives any form of bodily harm, the thing absorbs its wearer’s wounds. This operation causes the creature great consternation, with it immediately starting a series of vocalizations expressing its displeasure, though not seemingly in any pain. While the creature does this with no visible damage to its person, it may only absorb so many wounds before being rendered senseless. The expression of its angst seems to be an integral part of its beneficial enchantment, as this benefit will not be seen should the creature be silenced, such as with another bracelet on top of its face. If given a break from injury, the creature will sigh with great theatrical relief, and if cared for in the manner of any other leather ornament will last its wearer indefinitely. Should too many injuries in too short a time accrue, then its displeasure will be forever silenced, and the wearer left only with their own.
Ancient White Band: [vampiric attack]
These rings are very much as described on the tin, being so old and worn that the metal, resembling platinum, is thin enough to appear white. Despite this the Bands are no more fragile than any standard sort of ring. When worn the Ancient White Band puts the wearer in touch with an insidious phantom, resembling what many would call a vampire or vrykolak and clad in the rusted armor and grave trappings associate with the Barrow Kings. This shade is seemingly a different entity for each ring, and never speaks but only glares with sunken, red-lit eyes, and is visible only to the wearer. The Band confers vampiric abilities upon use in combat, causing bloodier wounds and transferring them to the wearer in the form of a healing vigor. Contact with such dark ghosts is of course not likely to be salubrious in the long term, and there are some sages who no longer wonder how baby vampires are made.
Drunkcat's Pill: [feather fall]
The kino, whether in portable form in ages of magical sophistication, or in the theater in every age, has always had a tendency to indulge in binges of certain forms of humor or areas of fascination. Almost universally appealing is the topic of cats, especially those performing endearing or humorous actions. It is unclear how one such feline, presumable of the ordinary variety, came to be the sponsor of a patent medicine, but it is so nonetheless. Drunkcat, as the bluish-gray feline was known, was apparently of great hilarity due to its inebriation, as those few remaining illustrations of it show, in the form of lolling tongue and crossed eyes. His antics must have been quite acrobatic and nimbly-bimbly, since the Pill he lent his name to confers the ability to fall uninjured from truly staggering heights. The appellation is slightly misleading, as the Pill remains in the stomach indefinitely instead of being digested as the normal sort.

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
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Kaelik
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Post by Kaelik » Thu May 30, 2019 7:45 pm

The cube should clearly paralyze you at some later point.

> DSMatticus wrote:Kaelik gonna kaelik. Whatcha gonna do?

The U.S. isn't a democracy and if you think it is, you are a rube.
That's libertarians for you - anarchists who want police protection from their slaves.
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JigokuBosatsu
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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Thu May 30, 2019 9:58 pm

That's actually a really good idea. I've been trying to give them all disadvantages of some sort.

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
Top

JigokuBosatsu
  Prince
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  Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2010 10:36 pm
  Location: The Portlands, OR
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Post by JigokuBosatsu » Fri Oct 04, 2019 4:40 pm

Here, have some healing-ish items.
Injection No. 7: [fast healing]
An ancient battlefield medicine, made in vast quantities in forgotten times. It works, and works well. So well, in fact, that often the easiest way to determine the exact site of battles- old and new- was by the sheer number of discarded ampules in whatever geologic strata they are found in. The only real problem with No. 7 is that while the antediluvian stockpile seems limitless, it is the belief of some scholars, traders, and scholarly traders that the world will soon see a shortage. It has so far proven impossible to replicate, and the person who manages to do so will become the savior of the world, and its most hunted quarry.
Angel Oil: [slow healing]
This blend of herbs and aromatic resin is the most commonly found healing salve the world around, compoundable (with regional variations) by any alchemist, witch, or village healer. It is inexpensive, and provides slow but steady relief from any injuries. It is sometimes avoided by adventurers because of its unavoidable and far-reaching smell, and also their general preferences for speedier remedies.
Liquid Skin: [regeneration]
A dangerous concoction developed in uncertain circumstances by seedy operators. Though heavily suppressed, samples of the Skin can still be found in chirurgeons' valises and warlord's arsenals. Once applied, the Skin coats the body and remains there for a short time, curing as best as possible any wounds the host receives. The amount of coverage and duration vary depending on the strength of the formulation and expertise of the one applying it.
Neutralizing Cordial: [antidote]
Any number of remedies can be made by grinding together various minerals and powders, but the old trick of mixing them into a base of sweet wine for palatability always triggers a resurgence in the average joe's desire for patent medicines. Neutralizing Cordials are this type of tonic, and can be found under a host of brand names. The particular salts of the Cordials (taken from graveyard sources, if gossip is to be believed) are effective at neutralizing poisons of all types, though with some magical venom a Cordial can only stave off the effects for a short time until a magical cure is available.
Old Reliable Eye Salve: [cure bleed/stabilize death's door]
Old Reliable has been made, in some form or other, into the furthest reaches of antiquity. While generally ineffective as an eye salve, it has gained favor as an old home remedy and soldier's friend, owing to its peculiar side effect of causing bleeding to cease. Care should be advised that this thickening of the blood may cause those of sickly constitution to find trouble with the easy operation of their heart and veins. Pray for rain, get wiped out in the flood.
Smert Mikrobyi: [cure plague/infestation]:
Dr. Vol'staya's remedies were once famed, though they were suppressed due to supposed heterodoxy in his native East. Which "East" this was, and what "West" it lay opposed to, is lost to time. His Smert Mikrobyi remains the easiest to find these days, and it remains puissant in its elimination of parasites, plagues, and diseases. Old-timers relate that the Smert Mikrobyi once tasted much better, but considering how delicious its cloyingly sweet strawberry flavor is, one wonders how that could even be possible.
Strangle Food: [boost stamina]
A harsh green powder of chemical fertilizer. Mixed with water and applied to crops, causes rapid growth at the expense of increased water consumption. A similar effect occurs when the Strangle Food is imbibed by other creatures, causing an increase in metabolism that greatly strengthens the imbiber's reserves of stamina, though at the cost of abnormal thirst. Travelers' tales of plant men with appearance of former adventurers should perhaps not be discounted.

> Omegonthesane wrote:a glass armonica which causes a target city to have horrific nightmares that prevent sleep

> JigokuBosatsu wrote:so a regular glass armonica?

You can buy my books, yes you can. Out of print and retired, sorry.
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