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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:55 pm

Well, there is sorta an overarching plot involving Megatronus, which is vaguely hinted at by Optimus popping up now and then going "EVIL!"
And yeah, the tone of RiD REALLY makes it not seem like a sequel to Prime. I mean, hell, the show and toyline are explicitly being marketed towards really young (and stupid) children. Prime's target audience was more pre-teen and their Tranfan parents.
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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Fri Oct 30, 2015 2:30 pm

So! Transformers 5 is a thing. So is Transformers 6, because Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberger signed on for at least TWO more TF films. Lord help us.
So far, the Bay has remained uncommitted to directing (according to a tweet he made), so that's potentially good news. Bad news: Human stain Don Murphy is involved "pitching process". Anything Murphy is involved in is immediately tainted.
Oh, and the film is being written by the guy who wrote A Beautiful Mind (but also wrote Batman Forever and Batman and Robin) and the showrunner of Fringe.
And finally, there's this terrifying news:

> tfwiki.net wrote:June 8, 2015 — The writers meet on the Paramount lot for the writer's room. The writers work for the next three months to plot out the next ten years of Transformers films.

TEN FUCKING YEARS
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Lago PARANOIA
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Post by Lago PARANOIA » Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:09 pm

It looks like my prediction of Kiss Players is coming true.
By TF:8 will have a combination of Transformers-human romance (maybe not sex, but definitely romance) and humans fusing with Transformers for powerups. You heard it here first, folks.
I'm actually kind of serious on this point. Let's face it: this isn't exactly uncharted territory for movies starring intelligent non-humans. King Kong, Twilight, Planet of the Apes, Ninja Turtles, Robot Monster... what's more curious is that Transformers managed to avoid it for so long. The size-difference/cultural differences/they have no biological sex excuses won't last forever, you know.

> Josh Kablack wrote:Your freedom to make rulings up on the fly is in direct conflict with my freedom to interact with an internally consistent narrative. Your freedom to run/play a game without needing to understand a complex rule system is in direct conflict with my freedom to play a character whose abilities and flaws function as I intended within that ruleset. Your freedom to add and change rules in the middle of the game is in direct conflict with my ability to understand that rules system before I decided whether or not to join your game.
> In short, your entire post is dismissive of not merely my intelligence, but my agency. And I don't mean agency as a player within one of your games, I mean my agency as a person. You do not want me to be informed when I make the fundamental decisions of deciding whether to join your game or buying your rules system.

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Post by Stahlseele » Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:36 pm

They should just remake the 1986 movie . . without changing anything but the animation errors <.<
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> Shrapnel wrote:

> > TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
> > Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.

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Post by Shrapnel » Fri Oct 30, 2015 9:42 pm

> Lago PARANOIA wrote:It looks like my prediction of Kiss Players is coming true.
> By TF:8 will have a combination of Transformers-human romance (maybe not sex, but definitely romance) and humans fusing with Transformers for powerups. You heard it here first, folks.

Well, Transformer-human romance has happened before, kinda, outside of Kiss Players. Look at "The Girl who Loved Powerglide". And humans fusing with Transformers has been a thing since 1987, when Headmasters were introduced. The concept was really big in the Japanese TF anime of the era.

> I'm actually kind of serious on this point. Let's face it: this isn't exactly uncharted territory for movies starring intelligent non-humans. King Kong, Twilight, Planet of the Apes, Ninja Turtles, Robot Monster... what's more curious is that Transformers managed to avoid it for so long. The size-difference/cultural differences/they have no biological sex excuses won't last forever, you know.

Those excuses have been long ignored by the fanfic community. MLP isn't the only franchise with really disturbed fans...
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Post by Shrapnel » Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:32 pm

So, Transformers 5, aka The Last Knight.
It's coming out this year (June 23rd), Michael Bay is directing, and has Anthony Hopkins and the worlds loneliest dog in it. (An aside, Micheal Bay may not be a good filmmaker, but he seems to be a decent person.)
Bay has said this will be the last Transformers film he will direct. But unlike the past three times, it's totally for reals this time.
I'm not optimistic. I mean, I'm gonna see it, because fandom is a fickle mistress, but I fully expect to be thoroughly underwhelmed. Really, my only hope is that the toys for the new film are better than they were for the last one.
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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:39 am

SO! Transfivemers. Let's start with some shit I said earlier.

> Me, two years ago wrote:So! Transformers 5 is a thing. So is Transformers 6, because Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberger signed on for at least TWO more TF films. Lord help us.
> So far, the Bay has remained uncommitted to directing (according to a tweet he made), so that's potentially good news.

Well, he did direct it, so the good news was really no news.

> Bad news: Human stain Don Murphy is involved "pitching process". Anything Murphy is involved in is immediately tainted.

This hasn't changed. Don Murphy is still a human dumpster fire.

> Me, in February wrote: Bay has said this will be the last Transformers film he will direct. But unlike the past three times, it's totally for reals this time.

Well, we'll have to wait and see, but Transformers 6 is NOT going to be directed by Bay, but by Travis Knight, an up-and-coming East End boxer, director and animator who you may better know as "Chilly Tee", the genius behind the epic 90's rap anthem for our age Get Off Mine. Oh, and he directed Kubo and the Two Strings (Draw your own conclusions.).
But it may be a good sign that finally, after years of terror, Bay will stop making TF movies.

> I'm not optimistic. I mean, I'm gonna see it, because fandom is a fickle mistress, but I fully expect to be thoroughly underwhelmed. Really, my only hope is that the toys for the new film are better than they were for the last one.

Now here we get interesting. First of all, I liked it. Kinda. I found the film to be breathtakingly "meh", but considering that Transformers 1-3 were heaping fires of disaster and Trans4mers was only slightly less on fire, it's not like Transfivemers had a high bar to jump. And I've yet to buy any of the toys, so I can't comment on their quality, but they do have nice packaging!

Now, I think I promised to do a review of the film when it came out, so here we go!
First, I should preface this by saying that, even though I literally just saw it an hour ago, my memory is a sieve, so I may miss some things. Second, I don't have the same critical eye that Darth, who saw Trans4mers with me, does. And he told me in no certain terms that he was going to see Transfivemers with me, so... this is basically the only way he'll see the movie.
Also, I am never going to stop referring to it as Transfivemers. Deal with it.
Anyway, the film, miraculously DOESN'T OPEN WITH OPTIMUS CULLEN NARRATION! I almost cried. Instead, we open with a big ass battle in Arthurian times, with King Arthur and his Merry Men of the Round Table fighting off the invading Saxon hordes, like they do. They are also getting their asses kicked by the Saxons, like they do. Some dude... I wanna say Lancelot? Yeah, Black Lancelot is like "Yo, my bro, these unwashed Saxon barbarians are gonna totally rip our anuses out, we should hide in the cut and live to fight another day, ya dig me homie?" and King Arthur, who looks like a discount whoever-played-Aragorn, is all "Merlin said he could help us, we must wait for him!" and then some dude is not Black Lancelot or King Arthur is like "Hey fuck no, Merlin's a drunkard and a worthless rake, I say we run" and King Arthur is like "Fuck you, I'm the king and I say we stay" and meanwhile Merlin, played by Stanley Tucci, is riding around on a horse going... somewhere. And then we DO get some narration, but this time it's by SIR ANTHONY FUCKING HOPKINS. But it's still narration, so, y'know, ick. Anyway, Sir Lecter is going on about how magic is real or some shit and that Merlin got it from a crashed alien spaceship. Sure.
Merlin finally arrives at said crashed alien ship and is like, "yo, alien-robot bros, I know I said I'd keep your existence a secret, and I did, but blah blah blah you said your world was destroyed blah blah help me save mine blah." And the robot knight bro is "bitchin', I'll give this staff, that'll do... something." and Merlin is like "Thanks, kid," and throws the 'bot a jersey and rides off, with a sick-ass three-headed dragon Transformer follows him and they arrive at the battle and the sick-ass dragon starts ending dudes and the Saxons are driven off. This is clearly totally historically accurate.
.... Ah, fuck me, but I'm tired. I think I'll end here for the night and pick up again tomorrow. And, if for some reason I don't end up finishing this (but when have I ever NOT finished something?), then just wait for CinemaSins to do it for me. Or watch it on a pirated Korean bootleg DVD. I dunno.
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Prak
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Post by Prak » Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:04 am

Transformers: The Last Knight was two and a half hours of utter crap.
In fact, that makes it sound better than it was, and does crap a terrible disservice.
Bay managed to create the most historically inaccurate medieval battle in cinema history, before the transformers even showed up. How historically inaccurate? There were explosions. On a medieval battlefield.
You know the joke about the proper way to make a martini involving whispering vermouth over the glass/showing it a bottle of vermouth/waving it vaguely in the direction of Italy? The martini in that joke has more vermouth in it than this movie has pacing. It has slightly more proper character introduction, but only because a single character got something vaguely approaching an actual introduction.
Seriously, this movie had no pacing. It felt like a YouTube Transformers Abridged video of an entire series, just a series of highlights and out of context jokes. None of the characters were particularly likable, with the exception of the 14 year old genius mechanic girl, Anthony Hopkins' historian/last member of an order that apparently started with Merlin?, and the completely random human-sized robot servant of Hopkins' character whose providence is never actually explained. Which of those characters is most likable will differ depending on what appeals to you, I think. I liked the robot most, but I could see people liking the others more. Everyone else is tiresome, annoying, or outright detestable piece of shit.
Oh, wait, the black nerd guy who Marky Mark hired to mind the junk yard was actually not bad.
Edit: Allegedly, Cogman, the robot manservant of Hopkins' character, is an autobot headmaster. I missed the mention of him being a headmaster in the movie, and I'm not sure what the autobot thing is coming from. He honestly strikes me more as a decepticon who is actually in something approaching the context decepticons were made to operate in.
Last edited by Prak on Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Cuz apparently I gotta break this down for you dense motherfuckers- I'm trans feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them.

> Winnah wrote:No, No. 'Prak' is actually a Thri Kreen impersonating a human and roleplaying himself as a D&D character. All hail our hidden insect overlords.

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> You should gain sanity for finding out that the problems of a region are because there are fucking monsters there.

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angelfromanotherpin
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Post by angelfromanotherpin » Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:41 pm

Rob Bricken did a pretty thorough breakdown of just how stupid this last movie was.
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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Tue Jun 27, 2017 3:08 am

> angelfromanotherpin wrote:Rob Bricken did a pretty thorough breakdown of just how stupid this last movie was.

Yeah, but can he do as bad a job a t it as I can!?
Anyway, this one comment made me laugh:

> A fool wrote:Well, this did gross the lowest opening of any Transformers movie domestically. It may not break $150M. So maybe...maybe.... this really will be the last one.
> (Unless the Chinese spend half a billion on it. Then all bets are off)

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANo.
Hasbro has already committed to making three more of these things, PLUS they have plans to make a cinematic universe a lá Marvel with GI Joe, Micronauts, and others. So... no, this is not the last one. To use a Furmanism, it never ends. And all the more woe to us.
By the way, the Chinese DID in fact spend a fuckload of money on the film, because Hollywood is whoring itself out to China and because Tramsformers is fucking BIG McLARGE HUGE over there. Like, disproportionately so. But Hasbro would still have continued to shit out more of these regardless of how the film did financially, because the goal of the films is not to make money in of themselves, but to promote the brand and get idiots like me to buy the shiny new toys.

Anywho, I've already forgotten most of the film so I'll just hit the highlights:
- Bee is said to have been in WWII. They don't explain it, or how, and it contradicts the fact that Bumblebee hadn't even been on earth before the first movie. But, hey, object permanence. Bee also gets his voice back... despite getting it back at the end of the first film, losing it in the second, not having in the third or fourth, AND THEN he loses AGAIN in the fifth movie BUT GETS IT BACK AT THE END. That's right, he gains and loses his voice TWICE in the course of one movie.
- Cogman was my favorite character. Hopkins makes an off-handed remark about him being a Headmaster, diminutive 'bots who turn into the heads of larger Transformers. This is never shown on screen, though, HOWEVER, it IS borne out by his toy. In fact, this only seems to been mentioned as an afterthought, as though someone was like "oh, hey, this little dude turns into the head of a larger dude, right? We should put that in the film. YO, ANTHONY, SAY SOME SHIT ABOUT THE LITTLE DUDE BEING A HEAD!"
"But we just finished the bloody scene! It's a wrap!"
"I DON'T CARE, BANANA BRO, JUST SAY THE LINE!"
"Alright, alright, you don't need to keep yelling. Jackass."
"WHAWAZAT?"
"Nothing!"
- Okay, so, Izabella. Cool, but two problems: One, she's fourteen in the film, AND YET BAY STILL GIVES HER A CLEAVEGE REVEALING OUTFIT IN THE BEGINNING. Y'know that scene when she and the fucktarded kids are running away from the ED-209 toward shelter? Well, she's front and center in that scene and you can see her cleveage bouncing up and down IN YOUR FACE as she runs and I didn't need that and Michael Bay is a horrid monster. I mean, FUCK, the character is fourteen, the actress is SIXTEEN, and Bay needs to get psychiatric help. Okay, second problem, she appears, disappears, reappears, has no impact on the plot AT ALL. She has about as much impact as Jared Leto did in Suicide Squad.
- Speaking of Suicide Squad.... when Megatron is negotiating with the US military, who are for once NOT portrayed as the "real" heroes of the film, he lists each brand-new toy captured Decepticon that he wants released, and as he names each one their names are shown on the screen, reminiscent of when Viola Davis was introducing each memeber of Sqaudron X. Two things about this: One, it was only sorta cool in Suicide Squad, and two, you can't do fancy introduction sequences with throw-away characters who contribute less to the movie than Killer Croc and Jared Leto combined. Really, the only reason those intro thingies are in there is because Hasbro wants you to remember their names so you can buy the toys later.
- The best part, though? Only a handful of those fuckers even got toys. Onslaught, Mohawk, and Dreadbot are movie-only characters. But Beserker, who appears for all of two seconds... does have a toy, but he's barely in the movie, while these loser WHO DON'T HAVE TOYS GET ALL THE SCREEN TIME (comparatively)! I mean, goddamn, even the ONE THING the film was supposed to do - sell toys - it fails at! How awful a filmmaker to you have to be to screw up at making a toy commercial?!
- So Megatron was Galvatron in the last film but now he's Megatron again... why? When the movie was first announced, either Hasbro or Bay (I don't remember which) said that this would be explained in the film... but it wasn't. At all. Did Megatron come back to life, and Galvatron is still out their somewhere? Did Galvatron decide to go back to being Megatron? Who knows? Certainly not Michael Bay!
- Speaking of things not getting explained... when Bay was filming the WWII scene in England, specifically at Blenheim Palace, some British vets got upset that he covered that he covered Winston Churchill's birthplace with Nazi flags. Bay told them thet shouldn't be too upset as Churchill is a "big hero" in the film... except no he wasn't. Churchill was one of many historical figures name-checked as being a Witwiccan, alongside Einstein, Da Vinci, George Washington, Fredrick Douglass, the Medici family, Ernie Dinklefwat and Ed Meese, but he didn't do anything in the film, so no, he was NOT a "big hero" in the film, Bay you fascist sexist pig. Rot in hell.
- Jesus, this is why I don't like thinking. I'm started to get all mad n' shit because of how bad I'm realizing the movie is. I mean, I always knew it was back, it just didn't really click until right now. Damn.
- The Dinobots, despite being made a big deal of in the last film, do nothing. Hell, the only one who actually appears in the film is Grimlock, and all he does is barf up a car and then blow up some other cars and then disappear for the rest of the film.
- Quintessa is an amalgam of the Quintessons, a bit of this guy, and just the tiniest dash of this chick's gender thrown in. She has the dual distinction of being both the first major female antagonist in a Bayformer film and simultaneously also being the most positive and progressive female character in a Michael Bay film.

Ah, fuck me, but I'm tired. I'm shipping off, but I think I've missed a lot of important bits to tear downs, so I consider this a done deal. Or maybe not, I dunno. Is anyone else hearing Journey guitar solos playing in my heads?
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Post by Stahlseele » Tue Jun 27, 2017 7:34 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQvNDcCX0wI
Best thing about the new TF movies is arguably the music.
And this got even better.
Welcome, to IronHell.

> Shrapnel wrote:

> > TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
> > Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.

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Shrapnel
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Post by Shrapnel » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:32 am

It will NEVER beat the Touch and Stan Bush's laser-shooting guitar. N. E. V. E. R.
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Post by nockermensch » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:54 am

LIFE HACK: Wait for like a week until the reviews are in, and then do not consume shit products. Works with movies and games alike!
@ @ Nockermensch

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Post by Prak » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:19 am

Yeah, but... $4 movie...
Cuz apparently I gotta break this down for you dense motherfuckers- I'm trans feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them.

> Winnah wrote:No, No. 'Prak' is actually a Thri Kreen impersonating a human and roleplaying himself as a D&D character. All hail our hidden insect overlords.

> FrankTrollman wrote:In Soviet Russia, cosmic horror is the default state.
> You should gain sanity for finding out that the problems of a region are because there are fucking monsters there.

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Post by Shrapnel » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:48 am

> nockermensch wrote:LIFE HACK: Wait for like a week until the reviews are in, and then do not consume shit products. Works with movies and games alike!

D'ye not know what it is to be an obsessed fan, to have your balls well and truly held by the tufts of your pubes by another? We will go to and fund these things not because they're good, but because they are part of a franchise we really like, regardless of logic or common sense. Believe me, I would not go and see a Michael Bay movie under any other circumstances.
Hell, I bought one these, for fucks sake! I'M STILL WAITING FOR IT TO UNFOLD, DAMMIT!

> Prak wrote:Yeah, but... $4 movie...

Hey, you paid the same amount I did for a piece of linen!
Last edited by Shrapnel on Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Darth Rabbitt » Thu Jun 29, 2017 4:17 am

I tried convincing Shrapnel the futility of wasting money on that movie. I knew it would be crap, given that I only went to see the last one because I saw it for free (and even then I still wanted my money back).

> Pseudo Stupidity wrote:This Applebees fucking sucks, much like all Applebees. I wanted to go to Femboy Hooters (communism).

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Post by Stahlseele » Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:19 am

> Shrapnel wrote:It will NEVER beat the Touch and Stan Bush's laser-shooting guitar. N. E. V. E. R.

This is true, which is why and hence:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQnuD1jxxOQ
Welcome, to IronHell.

> Shrapnel wrote:

> > TFwiki wrote:Soon is the name of the region in the time-domain (familiar to all marketing departments, and to the moderators and staff of Fun Publications) which sees release of all BotCon news, club exclusives, and other fan desirables. Soon is when then will become now.
> > Peculiar properties of spacetime ensure that the perception of the magnitude of Soon is fluid and dependent, not on an individual's time-reference, but on spatial and cultural location. A marketer generally perceives Soon as a finite, known, yet unspeakable time-interval; to a fan, the interval appears greater, and may in fact approach the infinite, becoming Never. Once the interval has passed, however, a certain time-lensing effect seems to occur, and the time-interval becomes vanishingly small. We therefore see the strange result that the same fragment of spacetime may be observed, in quick succession, as Soon, Never, and All Too Quickly.

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Post by Starmaker » Thu Jun 29, 2017 11:08 am

> Shrapnel wrote:D'ye not know what it is to be an obsessed fan, to have your balls well and truly held by the tufts of your pubes by another? We will go to and fund these things not because they're good, but because they are part of a franchise we really like, regardless of logic or common sense.

I wish I did. Sometimes I get this "zomg this is awesome, I must buy all of it" feeling, but by the time I get paid, the fascination fades. In a way, it's like a memory of pain: I remember that it hurt trying to walk after surgery, but I can't remember the sensation.
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Post by Shrapnel » Fri Jun 30, 2017 1:25 am

See, with me, that feeling doesn't fade: It grows and burns until it consumes me and I spontaneously combust from the need to go out and buy ALL THE SHIT. It really doesn't help that I don't currently have a job that gives me money to ejaculate all over HasTak.
Last edited by Shrapnel on Fri Jun 30, 2017 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
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- ↳ In My Humble Opinion...
- ↳ I Gave the Mouse a Cookie...
- ↳ In The Trenches
- ↳ It's My Own Invention...
- ↳ MPSIMS