Witch Is The

Joke No One Got

Published by Implode Publishing Ltd

© Implode Publishing Ltd 2025

The right of Adele Abbott to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved, worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

Chapter 1

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about, Jack,” I said. “It’s not like I haven’t given you a choice.”

“How is that a choice?”

“Of course it is. I don’t see how I can be any more reasonable.”

“Did you really just call yourself reasonable?” He scoffed.

“You said you wanted a parrot, and I’ve agreed that you can have one. How is that not reasonable?”

“You said I can have a parrot if I get rid of Humph.”

“That is what you said, Jill,” Humph said.

“You stay out of it. This is between me and my husband.”

“If you don’t mind me saying so: I am an interested party in this decision.”

“He’s right,” Jack said.

“This is exactly why it has to be one of them or the other. It’s already difficult enough for me to get your attention. If I have to compete with a parrot too, I might as well move out.”

“You’re just being stupid.”

“What’s it to be? Humphrey or a parrot?”

“I’m not throwing Humph out.”

“Thanks, Jack,” Humphrey said.

“Is that your final decision?” I said. “I can always drop Humphrey off at a charity shop on my way to the office.”

“Humph stays.” Jack gave me that disappointed look of his. “But I want it on record that I think this is very unfair.”

“Duly noted.” I gave him a peck on the cheek. “I’d better get going. I have a new client coming in early this morning.”

Result! I really didn’t want a parrot in the house, and I’d been pretty sure that Jack wouldn’t sacrifice that stupid talking teddy bear to get one. Turned out, I was right.

I was just about to get into the car when the vicar called to me.

“Jill, I have a flyer for you about the church fete.”

“When is it?”

“A week on Sunday.” He handed me one of the flyers. “What do you think?”

“It’s very professional-looking—hang on—what’s this? Jill Maxwell’s wonderful world of magic?”

“Catchy, don’t you think?”

The vicar had mentioned that Grandma had volunteered me to do a magic show, but I didn’t recall actually agreeing to do it.

“You make it sound very grand.”

“And rightly so. Your grandmother said your act is nothing short of spectacular. I’m really looking forward to seeing it.”

“I really don’t—”

“I’d better be making tracks. I’ve got a ton of these to deliver.”

Jill Maxwell’s wonderful world of magic? Just wait until I saw Grandma. I’d have a few choice words to say to her.

***

I arrived at the office before Jules because I’d arranged an early appointment with a Mrs Longflower.

“Did someone set your bed on fire?” Winky, who had clearly been asleep, stretched and yawned.

“I have a new client coming in in a few minutes.”

“How am I supposed to get my eight hours if you insist on coming in this early?”

“In case it has escaped your attention: this is my office. You are only here on sufferance.”

“Charming. What about some milk to wake me up?”

“Okay, but you’ll have to drink it quickly before my client arrives.”

I grabbed a bottle from the fridge, and I’d just poured some into his bowl when a voice from behind me said, “Excuse me. Sorry, there was no one in reception. I’m Lorraine Longflower.”

Oh bum! The woman had walked in on me midway through pouring out Winky’s milk.

“Hi, I’m Jill. Why don’t you take a seat?” Before she had a chance to head for the sofa, I added, “At my desk.”

“Thanks. Do you have a cat?”

How to answer that? If I said no, how was I supposed to explain the bowl of milk? But if I said yes, there was no telling where that might lead. In the end, I decided that saying yes was probably the lesser of two evils.

“I do, yes.”

“I’m surprised they allow you to have pets in the building.”

“Between you and me, they don’t, but I found the little fellow abandoned on the street, and I couldn’t just leave him there.”

Winky was edging towards the bowl of milk, but I managed to block him with my leg. The situation was already difficult enough without having to explain how the milk level was going down on its own.

“That’s so sweet,” Lorraine said. “Where is he now?”

I made a show of looking around the office. “Who knows? He finds so many places to hide.” I shot Winky a quick look, which I hoped conveyed the message that he wasn’t to drink the milk, then I took a seat at my desk.

“Thank you for seeing me at such short notice, Jill, and for coming in early.”

“No problem at all. I’m an early riser, anyway. I usually go for a quick run before I come to work.”

“Yeah, right,” Winky said.

“I think I heard him meow.” Lorraine looked around.

It was time to take her mind off the cat. “What is it I can help you with?”

“My husband.”

I waited, expecting her to elaborate, but she seemed to be having some difficulty in saying whatever it was that she had on her mind, so I thought I’d better give her a nudge.

“Do you suspect him of cheating?”

“Cheating? John would never cheat on me. Why would you say that?”

“Sorry, but infidelity is one of the most common reasons that people hire a private investigator.”

“No, John isn’t like that.”

“Okay, so why are you here today?”

“He isn’t himself.”

“Your husband?”

“Yeah. He’s John, but he isn’t.”

Oh boy! And to think I’d got out of bed an hour early for this.

“In what way isn’t he himself?”

“It’s hard to explain. To look at him, he appears to be no different, but—” She hesitated again.

“He’s acting differently?”

“Yeah.”

“Has he been ill?”

“No, he’s in perfect health. He always has been.”

“Has he been under more stress recently?”

“I wouldn’t have said so.”

“I hate to go back to the subject of infidelity, but often a change in personality is one of the first tell-tale signs.”

“It isn’t that.”

“What exactly would you like me to do?”

“Find out what’s wrong with him.” She welled up. “Help me to get my John back, please.”

All my instincts told me that this was trouble, and that I should tell her I couldn’t help, but I liked a challenge. More importantly, I had bills to pay and no other cases.

“I’ll be happy to try, but it might prove to be expensive for you.”

“Money is no object.”

Always music to my ears.

“Great. Can I visit you at home to discuss this in more detail?”

“Not when John is home.”

“Of course not. When would be a good time?”

“My day off is Tuesday, and John will be at work then. Afternoon is probably best. Does that work?”

“Sure. Two o’clock?”

“Okay, but call me before you come to the door, just in case John has stayed at home for any reason.”

“No problem.”

After she’d signed a contract, I started to accompany her to the door, but she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks. Confused, I followed her gaze—she was staring at the empty bowl.

“I didn’t see him drinking it,” she said, looking around the office.

“Me neither. Anyway, it was nice to meet you, Lorraine. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

“See you then.”

As soon as she was out of the door, I turned on Winky. “Couldn’t you have waited a few minutes?”

“I was thirsty. You’ve got another nutter for a client, I see.”

“She seems okay to me.”

“My husband isn’t my husband. Nutty as a fruit cake.”

“That doesn’t make her crazy.”

“I made the right call about that Beasley guy, didn’t I? The first time he walked into this office, I told you he had murderer written all over his face. And was I right or was I right?”

“Yes, but this is different. Lorraine Longflower seems quite normal.”

“Do you really think you’re qualified to judge what is and isn’t normal? You talk to ghosts and teddy bears.”

“I can’t afford to turn away clients. I have bills to pay.”

“That’s a poor excuse. You should be more concerned with maintaining the integrity of the agency.”

“If I didn’t take on jobs like this one, I wouldn’t be able to keep you in salmon.”

“Actually, I might have been a little rash. She’s probably just upset. I’m sure she’s perfectly sane.”

“You’re so transparent.”

“Of course I am. I’m a ghost.”

Jules arrived about thirty minutes later.

“Did you have a good weekend, Jill?”

“Yes, apart from Jack’s obsession with parrots.”

“Sorry?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Tea?”

“I think I’d better have a coffee. I need something to compensate for having to get up at the crack of dawn.”

“Did Mrs Longflower turn up?”

“She did.” I handed Jules the contract that Lorraine had signed. “Can you file this, please.”

“Will do. I have some news.”

“You’re not quitting, are you?”

“No, of course not. I’ve joined the gym.”

“Which one?”

“The one in this building.”

I vaguely remembered being told something about there being a gym in the basement, but I hadn’t given it much thought.

“When did you join?”

“Just now. It’s subsidised for those who work in this building, which means it’s much cheaper than the other gyms in town. Plus, it’s really handy. I was thinking I might pop down there on my lunchbreaks some days.”

“Good for you.”

“You should check it out, Jill.”

Winky laughed at that, so I shot him a look.

“I don’t really have time to go to the gym.”

“I didn’t think you had any cases on at the moment except for Mrs Longflower’s.”

“I—err—I have other commitments outside of this office. I’ve been asked to play a major part in the upcoming church fete in our village.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll go and get your coffee.”

“Other commitments.” Winky scoffed. “More like you’re gym phobic.”

Before I could refute that, I got a phone call from Kathy.

“Have you called to thank me for hosting Gregor?” I said.

“What? Err, yeah, thank you for that, but that’s not why I called.”

“I hope you aren’t going to ask me for another favour because you’ve used up your quota for this year.”

“No, I was going to ask if you had any idea what was going on in the high street.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s all over the local news: The high street has been cordoned off and there’s loads of police down there. I thought you might have heard something.”

“No, I don’t know anything about it. Mad’s shop is on the high street. I’ll give her a call and see if she knows anything.”

“Will you let me know if you find anything out?”

“Sure.” I called Mad and she answered on the first ring. “Mad, I’ve just had a call from Kathy. She reckons the high street is cordoned off.”

“She’s right. No one is being allowed to leave any of the stores.”

“What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure. One of the customers said something about a sinkhole opening up in the middle of the road, but we can’t see anything from here.”

“Okay. Will you let me know if you hear any more?”

“Sure.”

Before I could call Kathy back, Jack rang me.

“Mad thinks it’s a sinkhole,” I said.

“Sorry?”

“I assumed you were calling about the incident on the high street.”

“No, I haven’t heard anything about that. Is everyone okay?”

“I’ve no idea. No one seems to know anything about it, other than they’ve cordoned off the road. If you didn’t call about that, why did you call? Have you decided to ditch Humphrey and go for the parrot?”

“No, I haven’t. I’ve just heard some interesting news.”

“Is that interesting as in actually interesting or as in Jack-type interesting?”

“The post office is closing.”

“Oh great. It’s miles to the nearest one.”

“Not necessarily. Aren’t you going to ask how I know?”

“I’ll bite: how do you know?”

“Because I had a call from the postal authorities who want to know if we’d be interested in incorporating the post office into our store.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I’d at least be interested in talking to them about it.”

“Is the store big enough to accommodate the post office?”

“We’d probably have to steal a little space from the storeroom, but I don’t think that would be a problem. Anyway, a couple of customers have just come through the door, so I’d better go. We can talk about it tonight.”

Chapter 2

Jules came through to my office, and she was wearing an expression that could mean only one thing.

“Not again,” I said.

“He says it’s urgent.”

Everything was urgent to Mr Petty, my annoying next-door neighbour.

“I don’t suppose he said what was urgent, did he?”

“He wouldn’t tell me. Sorry, I did try.”

“It’s okay. Send him through.”

Mr Petty was generally what you’d call a conservative dresser—nothing too colourful—which made his appearance today even more unexpected.

“Is that a new suit, Mr Petty?”

And are you wearing it for a dare?

“It is, Jill, thanks for noticing. My tailor suggested I try something a little more adventurous.”

“You’ve certainly achieved that. What colour would you say that is?”

“Shamrock.”

“Right. I like the way you’ve matched it with a purple tie.”

“Mauve, actually.”

“Sorry, my mistake. Jules said there was something urgent you needed to see me about.”

“That’s right. I wanted to be the first to deliver the good news: the 2-ply is no more; 3-ply has been reinstated. At least, it has in the men’s toilets. Has it in the ladies?”

“I haven’t actually paid a visit yet today.”

“Right, well when you have, perhaps you’ll let me know.”

Not a chance.

“Was there anything else, Mr Petty, because I am rather busy?”

“No, that was it. I knew you’d want to celebrate our little victory. Now, if only I can get them to sort out the windows.”

“Bye, Mr Petty.”

“Nice suit,” Winky said after Petty had left.

“It was truly awful, wasn’t it? What was he thinking?”

“I’m not sure thinking is something he wastes a lot of time on.”

I was busy twiddling my thumbs when Aunt Lucy called.

“Are you busy, Jill?”

“Run off my feet, as always.”

“It doesn’t matter, then.”

“What were you going to say?”

“I was just going to ask if you’d like to meet up for a coffee?”

“I’d love to.”

“Are you sure you aren’t too busy?”

“I’m never too busy to make time for you. Cuppy C?”

“I thought we might try a new place. It’s called Crossover. Have you heard of it?”

“I have, actually. Daze took me there the other day.”

“Great. I have a couple of errands to run first. Shall we say in twenty minutes?”

“Sure, I’ll see you there.”

Or would I? It was only after I’d finished on the call that I remembered the entrance had disappeared on my previous visit to Crossover. I gave Daze a call in the hope she might know what gives.

“Hey, Jill. I’m just about to go into a meeting with Erase,” she said. “Can I get back to you later?”

“This is only a quick one. Aunt Lucy has asked me to meet her in Crossover, but I don’t know where to find the entrance.”

“What day is it?”

“Monday.”

“It should be in the alleyway off Canal Street.”

“Does it move around?”

“Yeah, sorry, I should have mentioned that.”

“What about the code to get inside?”

“There isn’t one. Just go with your instincts, and you’ll be fine. Sorry, I really do have to go.”

I was beginning to wish I’d talked Aunt Lucy into meeting me in Cuppy C. For all its faults (i.e. the twins), at least it didn’t switch location, depending on the day of the week.

Winky was fast asleep when I left the office, and judging by the way he was twitching, he was dreaming about catching mice—something he’d never been able to do while he was alive.

“I’m going out, Jules. I’m not sure when or if I’ll be back. Call me if anything urgent crops up.”

“Will do.”

As I had time to kill, I took a leisurely stroll to Canal Street. The quickest route took me past the top of the high street which was still cordoned off.

“What’s going on?” I asked one of the uniformed officers who were stopping people going down the street.

“Nothing for you to worry about, madam.”

“I heard it’s a sinkhole.”

“I’m unable to comment on speculation.”

“Go on. You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone that I heard it from you.”

“Move along, please, madam.”

Spoilsport.

Although there were several police vehicles on the high street, there were no ambulances, which hopefully meant no one had been injured. I thought maybe Mad might know more about what was happening by now, but my call to her went to voicemail.

I arrived at Canal Street with five minutes to spare before I was supposed to meet Aunt Lucy. I located the alleyway easily enough, but when I reached its end, I was faced with nothing but a brick wall. According to Daze, the entrance to Crossover should be right there, but there was no sign of it. She said that I should follow my instincts in order to gain access, but right now, my instincts were to use a lightning bolt to blast a hole through the wall. I figured that wasn’t what she’d had in mind, so instead I walked up to the wall and stared at it, in the hope that inspiration might strike me.

But it didn’t.

This was stupid. Wasn’t it bad enough that the entrance to Crossover moved according to the day of the week? Did they really have to make it impossible to gain entry as well?

Annoyed and frustrated, I hit a random brick, and to my surprise it lit up. I tried another one at random, and it did the same thing, but a different colour. Two more random bricks later, and the entrance appeared. Standing at the bottom of the stairs was Albert, the werewolf doorman.

“Welcome back, Jill, your aunt is over by the counter.”

“Thanks, Albert.”

Aunt Lucy had obviously been watching for me. She waved me over, and to my delight, she had already got the drinks. And cakes.

“Don’t tell the twins I said so, Jill, but I absolutely love this place. I got you a blueberry muffin. Is that okay?”

“That’s great, thanks. It’s nice in here, but I wish it wasn’t so complicated to get into.”

“I didn’t have any problems.”

“It’s straightforward from Candlefield, but getting in from the human world is a bit of a nightmare. Still, we’re here now, and this muffin is delicious. Have the twins checked this place out, do you know?”

“Yeah, they said they thought it was tacky, but then they were never going to say anything else because they don’t like the competition. How’s Florence? It’s ages since I saw her.”

“She’s fine. She had dinner with us last week.”

“That was nice.”

“Yeah, especially for Jack. I still get to see her regularly at CASS, but he only sees her during the school holidays or on the occasional weekend.”

“That must be hard for him.”

“It is. He became quite choked up after her visit. Still, he’s got something to take his mind off it now.”

“Oh?”

“They’re closing our village post office, and he has the opportunity to incorporate it into the store.”

“Won’t that mean a lot more work?”

“Probably, but I think he fancies the idea.”

“If it happens, might you start to work in the store?”

“If you’d asked me last week, I’d have said no chance, but I quite fancy the idea of being a postmistress.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Why should Jack be the only one who has an easy life?”

“Does he, though?”

“Compared to me? Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Have you mentioned that you like the idea of working in the post office to him?”

“No. He only told me about it a few hours ago, and it’s not certain it will happen. Anyway, enough of me. How are you?”

“I’m fine, as always. At least, I would be if it wasn’t for your grandmother.”

“What has she done now?”

“She’s trying to get me to let her use my spare bedroom to store her stupid wandrooms.”

“I thought you said you’d like to buy one of those.” I grinned.

“I would, but I don’t want a thousand of them clogging up my spare room.”

“Has she had them manufactured yet?”

“Not yet. She reckons the first batch will be ready in a couple of weeks.”

“Did you tell her no?”

“I told her I’d have to think about it.”

“You should have given her a straight no.”

“You’re right.”

“If it’s any consolation, you aren’t the only one who she’s causing problems for.”

“Don’t tell me she’s asked you to store the wandrooms too?”

“No, but she has volunteered me to do a magic show at the church fete.”

“Magic show?” Aunt Lucy laughed. “Sorry. What possessed her to do that?”

“Who knows why Grandma does anything?”

“Are you going to do it?”

“I don’t have much choice. The vicar has already had flyers printed, and he’s delivered them to all of the village.” I took one from my bag and handed it to her.

“Jill Maxwell’s wonderful world of magic? What will you do?”

“I have absolutely no idea. Anyway, let’s not talk about Grandma anymore. How is Lester? It’s ages since I’ve seen him.”

“I don’t think retirement suits him.”

“I thought he’d been looking forward to it.”

“He had, and for the first year, he was fine, but he suddenly seems to have realised that retirement isn’t the same as taking a break from work. It’s forever.”

“Doesn’t he have any hobbies?”

“Nothing that takes up much of his time. To be honest, Jill, the reason I called you today was because I needed to get out of the house. He was driving me mad.”

“Couldn’t he get some kind of part-time job?”

“I don’t know, but he needs to do something, or I’ll go crazy.”

***

As I drove home, I spotted Grandma, walking into the village. She had her back to me, so she didn’t know what hit her when I ran her down.

What? Of course I’m joking. What do you think I am? Some kind of psychopath? Sheesh!

Having resisted that temptation, I parked outside the old watermill and waited by the gate until she reached me.

“You could have stopped and given me a lift,” she said.

“I thought you were enjoying the walk.”

“On these legs? Just wait until your veins give you the same kind of pain as mine are giving me right now.”

“I have a bone to pick with you, Grandma.”

“If I collapse from exhaustion, it’ll be the vultures that are picking over my old bones.”

“Give it a rest. You’re as fit as a fiddle.” I took the flyer out of my bag. “What’s this all about?”

“Have you forgotten how to read all of a sudden? It’s the church fete.”

“I know it’s the church fete. Why did you tell the vicar I could do a magic act?”

“Would you rather I’d told him you could juggle?”

“What? No.”

“Well then, what are you complaining about?”

“You shouldn’t have volunteered me to do anything. I notice you aren’t mentioned on here. How come you didn’t volunteer to do something?”

“Because I’m far too busy with the launch of the wandroom.”

“Talking of which, I think it’s totally unfair to expect Aunt Lucy to store them for you.”

“Do you want to do it instead?”

“No, I don’t. You should rent a warehouse.”

“Why would I do that when I can use Lucy’s spare room? You really don’t have a head for business, do you?”

“I can’t even—”

“Much as I’d like to stand here and shoot the breeze with you, I have to put the finishing touches to the wandroom ads.”

And with that, she walked away.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jack said when I walked through the door. “You look like you’re about to explode.”

“Grandma is what’s wrong with me.”

“What’s she done now?”

“Don’t ask. Tell me about your day instead.”

“Quite eventful, as you might expect. I had no idea they were even thinking of closing the post office.”

“Me neither. Have you given any more thought to taking it over?”

“I’ve thought about little else today, and I reckon I’m going to do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Obviously, it would provide us with another income stream, but I want to do it for the other villagers too. If we lose the post office, the nearest one is almost five miles away. What do you think?”

“I agree. I think you should go for it.”

“Great.”

“And I think I should help you run the post office.”

“Right, yeah.” He laughed.

Chapter 3

“Are you still angry at me?” Jack said over breakfast.

“What do you think?”

“I only laughed because I thought you were joking. Whenever we’ve discussed the idea of us working together before, you’ve always vetoed it because, according to you, we’d end up killing one another.”

“This would be different, though. The post office would be like a separate business within the store, I assume?”

“I’m not exactly sure how it would work, but probably yes. That isn’t the problem, though.”

“What is the problem, then?”

“I told you last night before you went off in a huff.”

“I did not go off in a huff. I just didn’t want to listen to you spouting nonsense any longer.”

“All I said was that you’d die of boredom.”

“Rubbish.”

“Are you telling me that you’d be happy selling stamps and weighing parcels all day?”

“I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than that.”

“You’re right, there is, but it’s not going to be as exciting as working on kidnappings, murders and goodness knows what else, is it? To say nothing of having to deal with vampires, werewolves and any number of other weird creatures.”

“Maybe I’m ready for a change of pace.”

“You’d be bored out of your mind within a month.”

Angry as I was, deep inside I knew he was right. Frustrating as my work could be, there was rarely a dull moment. Did I really want to sit behind a counter all day, dispensing stamps?

“Well? Wouldn’t you?” Jack pressed.

“Probably.”

“Does that mean we’re friends again now?”

“I suppose.”

He gave me a kiss. “Good. I hate it when we fall out.”

“That was your fault.”

“I thought we’d already established that everything is my fault.”

“So we did. What’s the next step with the post office, then?”

“I’ll ring them this morning to tell them I’m interested and take it from there.”

“Is there anything in the newspaper about what happened on the high street yesterday?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t go into much detail. Apparently, a small sinkhole opened up, so they closed the road. They were working on it overnight and expect it to reopen today sometime.”

“That was an awful lot of activity just for a sinkhole.”

I was about to leave for the office, but when I came downstairs, there was no sign of Jack in the kitchen. He’d said he wouldn’t be going into the store until later, and I hadn’t heard him leave.

I eventually found him in the lounge.

“Why are you hiding in here?”

“I’m not hiding. I was just thinking this room feels kind of bare.”

“If that’s your not too subtle way of saying you’d like your bowling trophies on display, you can forget it.”

“That’s not what I meant. I just thought a few ornaments might brighten up the room.”

“What kind of ornaments?”

“I don’t know. Nothing too large. We could put some things on the windowsill or on top of the sideboard.”

“Okay, but I don’t want anything cheap and tacky.”

***

There was a pretty young woman sitting in reception when I arrived at the office. Her jet-black hair was almost waist length, and she was dressed in maroon and black. But it wasn’t her hair or clothes that caught my attention. It was her fangs.

The woman was unmistakeably a vampire.

“Good morning, Jill.” Jules stood up. “I told this lady I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to see her without an appointment, but she insisted on waiting.”

Fortunately, Jules seemed annoyed rather than frightened. Either she hadn’t noticed the woman’s fangs, or Jules had assumed she had some serious dental issues.

The young woman stood up and approached me. “It’s really important.”

“You’d better come through.” I led the way into my office, and as soon as I’d closed the door behind us, I turned on her. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Sorry. I know I don’t have an appointment, but—”

“I’m not talking about that. I mean those.” I pointed to her mouth.

“Oh.” She instantly withdrew the fangs. “I didn’t realise they were showing.”

“How could you not have realised?”

“This is my first time in the human world. I’m not used to having to conceal them.”

“Lucky for you that my receptionist doesn’t seem to have noticed.”

“She’s a human, right?”

“Yes.”

“They look just like us, don’t they?”

“What’s your name?”

“Sorry. I’m Mandy Candy.”

“You’d better sit down, Mandy. No, not on the sofa. By my desk, please.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Why don’t you tell me why you came to see me today?”

“I’d like you to find my brother, Randy.”

“Randy Candy?”

“Our parents thought it was funny.”

“Hmm. What’s happened, exactly?”

“Randy decided to move to the human world about a year ago.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Not really. It was just something he’d always wanted to do.”

“How old is your brother?”

“Three years older than me.”

“You said he moved here about a year ago.”

“Yeah, and he really loved it. He found a house-share and a job really quickly.”

“What kind of job?”

“In a shoe shop. It’s on the high street here in Washbridge. Next to the launderette.”

“Shoesy?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Anyway, about two months after he moved over here, he met a girl.”

“Another sup?”

“No, a human.”

“Right.”

“Her name is Keeley, and she’s really nice.”

“You’ve met her, I take it?”

“Yes, but only since Randy disappeared. He hasn’t been in touch for over two weeks, which just isn’t like him.”

“How often would you normally hear from him?”

“He usually calls me two or three times a week, and we used to meet in Crossover once a week. Do you know it?”

“Yes, in fact I was in there only yesterday.”

“It’s a great idea. Before Crossover opened, I would only see Randy when he could get back to Candlefield, which was rarely more than once a month.”

“I take it he hasn’t shown up for your weekly get-togethers?”

“No, and he hasn’t been in contact to say that he couldn’t make it. That’s just not like Randy. If ever he was going to miss a date, or even be late, he would always let me know.”

“Is it possible he’s ill or been injured?”

“That’s what I thought, which is why when I found the courage to come over here, I headed straight to his apartment. There was no one in, so I talked to the caretaker who took pity on me. He let me in to wait for Randy to come home, but he never did. I slept on his sofa, and when there was still no sign of Randy the next morning, I called all the hospitals, but I drew a blank.”

“So, you decided to hire a private investigator?”

“Not straight away. I went to his place of work first.”

“The shoe shop?”

“Yeah. The manager there said that Randy had quit suddenly without even serving his notice. He wasn’t very impressed.”

“That’s strange.”

“That’s not all. I went to see Keeley next because I felt sure she would know where he was.”

“Did she?”

“She had no idea. And she told me that Randy had ended their relationship a couple of weeks earlier.”

“Had they had some kind of argument?”

“She said not. She said it came totally out of the blue, and I could see she was clearly upset about it still.”

“Let me get this right: your brother quit his job and finished with his girlfriend, but he never mentioned any of that to you.”

“Not a word, and I can’t believe he would disappear like this deliberately. He knows how upsetting it would be for me and my parents.”

“How are they bearing up?”

“They’re just as worried as I am. They’ve never been to the human world either, which is why I volunteered to come over here to look for him. Do you think you can help to find him?”

“I’m willing to give it a go.”

“Thank you so much. I’m so worried about Randy. What can I do to help?”

“I think the best thing you can do for now is to return to Candlefield, to support your parents. I’d like to speak to all of you to get more information about your brother. Would that be okay?”

“Of course. When?”

“How about tomorrow?”

“Sure, that’s fine.

After Mandy had signed my contract, paid a retainer, and given me her parents’ address, she made to leave.

“Just one thing, Mandy.”

“Yes?”

“You really must try to keep those fangs hidden while you’re in the human world, or you might find yourself in trouble.”

“Right, yes. Thanks, Jill. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

“Those bloodsuckers give me the creeps,” Winky said.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say. Mandy seems okay.”

“See if you still feel like that when she rips open your jugular vein and drains all of your blood.”

“The majority of vampires I’ve encountered would never attack a human.”

“It only takes one. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask: How is it that all your clients have weird names? Do you offer a discount for people who have one?”

“Not every client of mine has a weird name. And, anyway, you can talk. Your name makes no sense now you have two eyes.”

“We’ve already been through this; I’m not changing my name. Anyway, what’s all this I hear about your new career?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I heard that you’re going to be selling stamps.”

“How do you know about that?”

“I have my methods. So, is it true?”

“No. Jack and I have already discussed it, and we decided that it would be best if I continue working as a PI.”

“More likely he said it would be a nightmare working with you.”

“He said nothing of the kind. He was quite disappointed when I told him it wasn’t for me.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Anyway, you should be pleased I’ve decided against becoming a postmistress. If I quit this job, you’d be homeless, then you’d have to go and live in GT.”

***

I parked half a mile from Lorraine Longflower’s house and, as instructed, I gave her a call to confirm that her husband wasn’t home. Once I had the all clear, I made my way on foot to her house, which was clearly a new-build. I didn’t get a chance to ring the doorbell because Lorraine, who must have been keeping watch for me, opened the door and practically dragged me inside.

“Did anyone see you?” she said while peering out of the small window next to the door.

“There wasn’t anyone else on the street.”

“Good. I wouldn’t want word to get back to John.”

“Couldn’t you just say a friend came to visit?”

“I don’t have any friends.”

“Right?”

“That sounds bad, doesn’t it?” She managed a smile. “We’ve only recently moved to this area, and I haven’t had the chance to get to know anyone yet. I do have friends, just not around here. Shall we go through to the lounge?”

“Sure.”

She led the way to a room at the back of the house which looked out onto a newly-laid lawn, and nothing much else.

“We’re going to have it landscaped,” she said. “I’ll make us a drink. Is tea okay?”

“Yes, please. Milk, no sugar.”

I took a seat in one of the armchairs and took in the room: Every stick of furniture looked brand new. It almost felt as though I was in a show house.

Lorraine put the drinks on the coffee table and then took a seat on the matching sofa.

“How long have you lived here?” I said.

“About nine months. This was the show house; we purchased all the furniture along with the building.”

“It’s all very nice. What happened to the furniture in your old property?”

“John decided that we should keep the old house and rent it out as furnished.”

“I see. What does your husband do?”

“He’s a city trader.”

“I have no idea what that is.”

“Me neither. Not really. He buys and sells stocks & shares, and currency as far as I can make out.”

“And where does he work?”

“For a company called Hostrich.”

“Like the bird?”

“Yes, but with an ‘H’.”

“Right, and are they based in Washbridge?”

“No, they’re in London, at Canary Wharf.”

“Does he commute?”

“No, he works remotely.”

“From this house?”

“No, the company rents an office for him in the Suprex building here in Washbridge.”

“I know it. Is that where he is now?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. You said that your husband has been acting strangely.”

“It’s more than that. He just isn’t the same person. It’s like living with a complete stranger who looks like my husband.”

“When did you start to notice the change?”

“About three months ago, give or take.”

“Around the same time as you moved house, and your husband began to work remotely?”

“I guess so.”

“Could it be related to the house move? It’s well known that moving house is one of the most stressful things anyone can do.”

“I don’t think it’s that. John has always been very strong—mentally, I mean. His job is extremely stressful, but he never gets fazed.”

“You’ve said several times that John isn’t himself. Can you give me some specific examples.”

“Yeah. There are little things like the way he eats his meals.”

“Right?”

“My John never talks at the table when we’re eating. Never. Now, suddenly, he chats all the time when we eat.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

“John always takes his shoes off in the hallway. Suddenly, he’s started walking through the house in them.”

“Fair enough. Is it possible that anyone else might have noticed a change in John? Family? Friends? Work colleagues?”

“No one has said anything to me.”

“If he’s changed as much as you say he has, you can’t be the only one who has picked up on it. It might be helpful if I spoke to some other people who are close to John.”

“If you do that, it might get back to him. I don’t want him to know I’m checking up on him.”

“That won’t happen. I’ll be very discreet. Who is he the closest to in his family?”

“He doesn’t really have any family. His parents both died some years ago.”

“No siblings?”

“None.”

“What about close friends?”

“Not here in Washbridge, although he does play bowls with the same two guys regularly.”

“Ten-pin?”

“No. Crown green. They play at Midacre bowling club.”

“Do you have their names?”

“I just know them as Rod and Todd. I don’t think he’s ever mentioned their surnames.”

“Not to worry. I’m sure I’ll be able to trace them. What about the people he works with?”

“His boss is based in London. Her name is Deidre Lolpop.”

“Lollipop?”

“No. Lolpop. It’s spelt L-O-L-P-O-P.”

“What kind of relationship does your husband have with her?”

“If I’m being honest, I think he’s a bit scared of her.”

“Anyone else that is close to John?”

“Not really. John is very much a homebody. At least, he was before he changed.”

“Anything else?”

“He doesn’t kiss me as often.”

“Did he used to kiss you a lot?”

“All of the time. He’s very affectionate, or at least he was. Now, it seems the only time he will kiss me is if I initiate it.”

“Anything else?”

“I—err—” She welled up.

“What is it, Lorraine?”

“He’s started sleeping in the spare bedroom. He insists it’s because of his back. He says he can’t get comfortable sleeping next to me.”

That wasn’t a good sign, and it just reinforced my original assumption that John was playing away, so I decided to push her further.

“Are you still intimate?”

“Not recently, but that’s because of his back.”

“Right.”

“What’s your plan, Jill?” she said.

“To find out the truth, but first I have to ask you a question.”

“Okay.”

“I know you’re convinced that John isn’t being unfaithful, but if my investigations uncover indisputable proof that he is, will you be willing to accept it?”

“Yes, but he isn’t.”

“Fair enough. One final thing: do you have a recent photo of your husband that I can have?”

“Sure. I’ll email one to you.”

I left Lorraine’s house convinced that her husband was being unfaithful. The fact that he had moved into the spare bedroom was the clincher for me. But if I was going to convince Lorraine of that, I would have to provide her with incontrovertible evidence. If there was one part of this job that I truly hated, it was spying on an unfaithful spouse, trying to catch them in the act.

Chapter 4

Back in Washbridge, I decided to take a walk down the high street, which had now been reopened. The reports that I’d seen had mentioned a sinkhole, but there was no evidence of one today, and no sign of any workmen.

“Hey, Jill!”

I turned around to find Deli rushing across the road to join me.

“How are you, Deli? I heard you’d been taken ill on a cruise.”

“I’m fine now, thanks, but I was glad to get back home. Did you hear about the kerfuffle on here yesterday?”

“I heard there was a sinkhole, but I can’t see any sign of one.”

“It was all very weird. Have you got time for a coffee? I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Sure, do you want to go to Mad’s place?”

“I prefer the coffee in Coffee Animal if that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Don’t tell that daughter of mine that I said that, though, will you?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“I hate these hairy things.” Deli was holding the glass cage, containing a tarantula, as far away from her body as she could. “They aren’t even animals. They’re insects.”

“Your friend is wrong,” my tarantula said. “Spiders have six legs. We’re animals and have eight legs. Tell her. Go on. Tell her.”

Ignoring him, I placed my cage on the table next to Deli’s.

“It’s quiet in here today,” I said.

“It’s because of these insects. No one likes them.”

“We’re not insects,” Deli’s tarantula chimed in.

Deli was blissfully unaware of the arachnids’ objections, and I was just ignoring them.

“You were going to tell me what happened on the high street yesterday,” I reminded her.

“Oh yeah. It was all very weird. I’d come into town with Nails to go to the travel agent.”

“Another cruise?”

“No, I’m steering clear of those for the time being. I fancy somewhere where I can sit by the pool all day and sunbathe. Nails wants somewhere he can go sea fishing.”

“Did you find anything?”

“We didn’t get the chance because all hell broke loose before we got to the travel agent. We’d just walked by this place when we heard lots of shouting coming from the bottom end of the street. I thought at first that there must have been a car crash, but then the police arrived, and they cordoned off the street.”

“Did you actually see anything?”

“No, but I talked to a few people who’d been down that end of the road when it happened.”

This was like pulling teeth.

“What happened?”

“The first woman I spoke to said that the road had just opened up.”

“It was a sinkhole, then?”

“Not the way she described it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Aren’t sinkholes where the road collapses in on itself?”

“Yeah.”

“This woman said the road split open, and the soil underneath spilt out.”

“That’s weird. Maybe she didn’t get a good view of it.”

“Possibly, but another guy we spoke to said a similar thing.”

“Whatever it was, I assume they must have sorted it out now.”

“I guess so. I spoke to Madeline last night, and she said they were working on it overnight to try and get the road opened by this morning.”

“What are the chances of getting a bit of bun?” my tarantula said.

“Zero.”

“Sorry?” Deli looked confused.

“I said heroes. The guys who got the high street back open. Are you going to try and get to the travel agent again today?”

“No. It’s Nails’ meditation class this morning, so I thought I’d take a ride into town. Since I retired, the days are so long. I can’t bear to sit in that house all day.”

“That sounds like bliss to me.”

“You might think so now, Jill, but trust me, when the time comes, you’ll be bored out of your mind. I’m thinking of coming out of retirement.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Another beauty salon?”

“No, I fancy a complete change.”

“Such as?”

“I don’t know yet.”

While I was on the high street, I figured I might as well pay a visit to Shoesy; the shoe shop where Mandy’s brother had worked until his disappearance. Although I’d walked by that shop many times, I’d never actually ventured inside because the prices were way above my pay grade.

I wouldn’t describe myself as a shoe person, unlike Kathy who is obsessed by them, but I couldn’t help but admire some of the shoes on offer. I’d no sooner stepped inside the shop than an overenthusiastic young man came rushing over.

“Good afternoon, madam.”

“Hi.”

His smile quickly faded after he’d glanced down at my footwear, and no doubt calculated that I wasn’t a serious prospect.

“Has madam shopped with us before?”

“No, but I figured after my lottery win that I should treat myself.”

“A lottery win?” His smile had been restored. “How wonderful. Did madam have anything in particular in mind?”

“I want to replace all my current footwear, so I’ll need at least half a dozen pairs. Maybe more.”

“Amazing.” He was already calculating his commission. “I’m Wilbur, and I’d be more than happy to help you today.”

“That’s very kind, Wilbur. Maybe I could start with those.” I pointed to an outrageously expensive pair of bright red high heels.

“An excellent choice. What size is madam?”

“Six and a half.”

“Let me just go and check if we have those in stock. Would you like a drink while you wait?”

“No, thanks, I’m fine.”

Never before had I been offered a drink while buying shoes, but then I’d never tried on shoes that cost just shy of a thousand pounds before.

“Madam is in luck.” Wilbur beamed. “We have your size.” He put the box on the floor and knelt at my feet. I believe he intended to help me out of my own, but then he must have remembered what I was wearing and thought better of it. Clearly, he didn’t want to sully his hands by handling my contaminated footwear. “Maybe it would be better if I let you put them on.” He stood up and took a couple of paces back.

Not only did the shoes look beautiful, but they fit like a glove. Why do people say that? Who wants a shoe that fits like a glove? Anyway, you get the picture.

Wilbur was looking at me expectantly, so I said, “They fit just fine.”

“Excellent. Why don’t you walk over to the mirror, to get a better look?”

I did as Wilbur suggested, and I can honestly say that they were the most comfortable high heels I’d ever worn. And they looked even more amazing in the mirror. For the briefest of moments, I actually wondered if I could afford them, but then I thought of Jack’s reaction if I returned home with a pair of shoes that cost almost a thousand pounds. He’d have a seizure.

“They look incredible on you,” Wilbur gushed.

“They’re pinching a little on the right big toe.” I winced.

“Maybe you’d like to try the next size?”

“I’m a little pushed for time at the moment. Could I maybe come in again tomorrow when I’ll have more time?”

“Of course.”

“Will you be working tomorrow, Wilbur?”

“Absolutely. I’m here every day.”

“Don’t they give you a day off?”

“Normally, yes, but we had a member of staff leave suddenly, without giving notice.”

“Would that be Randy?”

“Err, yes. How did you know?”

“I’m a friend of his sister. In fact, she was the one who recommended that I pay your shop a visit.”

“I see.”

“Mandy, that’s Randy’s sister, was a little surprised her brother had left so suddenly.”

“So was I. He really left me in the lurch.”

“Did he give any reason for leaving like that?”

“No. He just emailed me to say he wasn’t coming in again.”

“He quit by email?”

“Yeah. He didn’t even offer to serve out his notice. I wasn’t impressed.”

“Had anything happened to upset him?”

“Not that I’m aware of. He’d been totally fine right up until his last day.”

“What happened then?”

“I’ve no idea. He was alright one minute, and then he seemed to have a bit of an altercation with a customer.”

“What about?”

“I don’t know. I was serving another customer at the time.”

“Did you ask Randy what had happened?”

“Of course, but he just shrugged it off. A few minutes later, he said he wasn’t feeling well, and that he needed to finish early. I could see he was upset, so I said yes, but I had no idea he planned to quit later that same day.” Wilbur clearly wanted to get me back on message, so he said, “Do you have any idea what time you might drop by tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure, but it will be before lunch.”

“Excellent. I’ll look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

By the time I left, Wilbur was on cloud nine, no doubt anticipating a bumper sale the following day. The poor guy was going to be devastated when I was a no-show. Although I’d had to bid farewell to those amazing shoes, my visit had proved to be fruitful. I’d discovered that whatever had upset Randy seemed to have been sparked by a altercation with a customer. Mandy hadn’t mentioned that, so maybe she wasn’t aware of it. I decided to give her a call to check.

“Mandy, it’s Jill Maxwell, I just called to ask you something.”

“Okay?”

“Did you know that Randy had some kind of run-in with a customer on the day he quit?”

“No, I just knew he’d quit without giving a reason. What was it about?”

“I don’t know, but I plan to go back to the shop tomorrow. Hopefully, they have CCTV and I’ll be able to see who it was who got into a run-in with your brother.”

“Are you still coming to see us on Thursday?”

“Of course.”

***

As I drove into the village, my way was blocked by a hammer and a nail. Giant ones. Obviously, the man-sized tools were here for this week’s convention at the hotel. Neither of them had seen my approach, so I gave them a short blast on the horn. That made them jump, but even when they spotted me, neither of them seemed inclined to move out of the way. Annoyed now, I treated them to a longer blast on the horn. In response, the hammer walked around the side of the car and gestured for me to wind the window down. I was happy to oblige.

“What’s your problem, lady?”

I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“The problem is that you’re standing in the middle of the road, blocking my way.”

“Hear that, Gerry?” He shouted to the nail. “We’re blocking this lady’s way.”

Gerry, the nail, came to join his friend and, judging by the way he was weaving around, he too had been at the booze.

“No need to pip your horn at us,” Gerry said.

“You two are going to get yourselves killed if you’re not careful.”

“There’s no pavement.”

“Then walk at the side of the road. It’s not rocket science.”

“Can you give us a lift into the village?” the hammer said.

“No, I can’t. It’s only a couple of hundred yards up the road.”

“Go on. My legs are aching.”

“Tough. Now if you don’t mind, I have better things to do than sit here talking to you two tools.”

“You’ll never guess what the theme of the convention is this week,” Jack said when he arrived home.

“Tools.”

“Yeah. Well, it’s Toolshed Con, to be precise. I had a spanner and a screwdriver in the store just before I left.”

“I had the misfortune of bumping into an inebriated hammer and nail on the drive into the village. The idiots were walking in the middle of the road.”

“Drunk?”

“Yeah, I hate to say it, but I’m beginning to think Flat Head might have been right about the conventions.”

“I still think they’re good for the village. They’ve certainly increased takings at the store.”

“I wonder what old Mrs Johnson will make of it when she sees drunken tools wandering about the village.”

“It’ll be fine. Anyway, I have news about the post office.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve told them we’re definitely interested, so they’re going to call me in for an interview.”

“When?”

“They’re clearly keen to get things moving because they said it will probably be early next week.”

“When you have the post office, can I get some new shoes?”

“You mean if.”

“Okay. If you get the post office, can I get some new shoes?”

“Sure.”

“Great. I saw just the pair I’d like today. They were only nine hundred and ninety-three pounds.”

“How much?”

Chapter 5

Jack didn’t have to be in the store early the next morning, so we were eating breakfast together.

“The answer is still no,” he said. “A thousand pounds for a pair of shoes is beyond crazy.”

“If you loved me, you’d tell me to treat myself to them.”

“Emotional blackmail isn’t going to work.”

“You’re just mean.”

“You haven’t forgotten it’s Kathy and Peter’s wedding anniversary next week, have you?”

“Why would I remember the date of their wedding anniversary? I can barely remember ours.”

“We’ll have to buy them something nice. It’s their silver anniversary.”

“Oh, so we can afford to buy a present for them, but not to put shoes on my feet.”

“I thought maybe a nice cutlery set.”

“Boring.”

“Have you got any better ideas?”

“Not a clue.” I shrugged.

“I suppose that means I’ll have to pick out a present.”

“You’re so much better at that stuff than me.”

“Hmm. Anyway, I for one am really looking forward to the party.”

“What party?”

“Jeez, Jill, don’t you ever listen to anything Kathy says?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“She told us about the party when she came to pick up Gregor Leggor.”

“When is it?”

“A week on Saturday.”

“You told her we were busy that day, right?”

“No, I didn’t because we’re not.”

“You can’t leave the store. I’ll have to stand in for you.”

“There’s no need. Monty and Kiki have got it covered.”

“I hate parties.”

“No, you don’t. You just say you do. You’ll enjoy it when you get there.”

“I can think of one thing that might make it bearable.”

“You’re not having those shoes.”

“So mean.”

When I left the house, I found poor old Mrs Johnson leaning against our gate. She looked pale and upset.

“Are you okay, Mrs Johnson?”

“I will be, dear. I just need to catch my breath.”

“What happened? Are you ill?”

“No, I know it wasn’t real, but it was still scary.”

“Sorry. What wasn’t real?”

“Those pincers. I know they’re just for one of those con thingamabobs at the hotel, but I don’t like it.”

“Are you saying you saw someone dressed up as a pair of pincers?”

“Yes. They chased after me and pretended to clip me.”

“They did what?” I was livid. “When did this happen?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

“Where?”

“Near to the hotel.”

“Why don’t you come into the house, and I’ll get Jack to make you a nice cup of tea?”

“I don’t want to be any bother, dear.”

“It’s no bother.” I took her hand and led her into the house.

Jack heard the door and came to see what was happening.

“Are you okay, Mrs Johnson?” he said.

“She’s had a nasty shock. Will you make her a cup of tea?”

“Of course.” He took her hand. “Come through to the kitchen.”

Once she was sitting down, Jack came back out to the hallway.

“What happened?”

“Some idiot from Toolbox Con scared her.”

“I thought she had come to terms with people walking around in costumes.”

“She might have, but that doesn’t mean she should have to put up with being intimidated by them.”

“What happened?”

“Some guy dressed as a pair of pincers pretended to clip her.”

“Poor woman.”

“Are you okay to stay with her until she’s calmed down?”

“Of course. What are you going to do?”

“Have a few words with a tool.”

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

“When did I ever?”

As I hurried across the village, I encountered the vicar.

“Jill, I was hoping I might see you.”

“Sorry, Vicar, I can’t stop. I have a bit of an emergency.” I scurried by him.

“No problem,” he shouted after me. “I just wanted a quick word about your magic act. I’ll catch up with you another time.”

There were several tools seated at a table on the veranda in front of the hotel: A screwdriver, spirit level, hammer, a nail and a pair of pincers. All five of them had cans of beer in their hands, which they must have brought with them because the hotel didn’t start to serve alcohol until eleven o’clock.

“Hello, gorgeous,” said the spirit level, as I approached the table.

“Want to join us?” chipped in the hammer.

“No thanks.”

“Where’s your costume?” said the pincers.

“I’m not here for the convention.”

“Pity, you’d make a beautiful screw.”

At that, all four of them cracked up.

“I’m here to give you a warning.”

“What kind of warning?”

“Middle Tweaking is a nice, quiet village. The people who live here do not want to be exposed to your puerile antics. While you’re here, I expect you to behave with decorum and show some respect to the villagers.”

“And who exactly are you?” the pincers said.

“Let’s just say I’m a concerned resident.”

The spirit level stood up and took a couple of steps closer to me. “Well, Mrs Concerned Resident, what me and my friends do is no business of yours, so why don’t you go back home and do the washing?”

“This is your one and only warning. If I hear that you have caused any trouble, you’ll regret it.”

“I’m so scared. Aren’t you, boys?”

“Terrified.” The hammer grinned.

As I walked away, I could hear them all laughing. Those tools would soon be laughing on the other side of their faces.

***

When I stepped out of the lift, I found two vending machines in the corridor, just down from my office. One of them had hot and cold beverages and the other was full of snacks: crisps, biscuits and confectionery.

“Good morning, Jules, when did they install the vending machines?”

“They must have done it overnight because they were here when I arrived this morning. There are two on each floor. I’ve tried the coffee and it’s not bad.”

“I don’t like the idea of all those snacks being so close. If you see me trying to buy anything, you have my permission to stop me.”

“I’ll try.” She smiled. “Do you want to try a coffee from the machine? The hot drinks are all free for the first week.”

“Free? In that case, it would be a crime not to.”

“I’ll go and get it.” She stood up. “Latte?”

“Yes, please. And while you’re there, get me a KitKat.”

“Jill!”

“Only kidding. I’ll just have the coffee.”

“This time next month, you’ll need a whole new wardrobe,” Winky said.

“What are you talking about?”

“Now that they’ve installed that vending machine, you’ll be snacking all day.”

“Rubbish.”

When Jules came through with my coffee, she was not alone.

“Mr Petty?” I cringed.

Jules mouthed the word sorry before handing me my drink and then making her exit.

“Good morning, Jill.” Petty had reverted to his regular boring suits.

“Good morning, Mr Petty, I’m afraid that I have to go out in a minute.”

“This won’t take long. I just wanted to get your take on the new vending machines.”

“I’ve only just seen them.” I took a sip of coffee. “This isn’t half-bad.”

“I’m not happy with them.”

Quelle surprise.

If he was waiting for me to ask why he was unhappy, he was going to be waiting a long time.

Ignoring my indifference, he continued, “You must have noticed the obvious omission.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t—”

“Horlicks.”

“What?”

“There’s tea, hot chocolate and any number of different coffees, but no Horlicks.”

“That’s because no one drinks Horlicks during the daytime.” Or any other time for that matter.

“I do. It’s discrimination, that’s what it is.”

I made a show of checking my watch. “I really do have to be making tracks.”

“I’m going to start a petition,” he said.

“Another one? Couldn’t you just drink coffee or tea?”

“They don’t agree with me. And don’t even get me started on hot chocolate. Horlicks is the only hot drink I can tolerate. I think I’ll go and get started on that petition.”

“Great, you do that.” I ushered him out of my office.

“What a load of Horlicks.” Winky laughed. “That guy is a teabag short of a brew.”

“You’re not wrong. By the way, what’s that you’re wearing?”

“Do you like it?”

“Is it a cape?”

“What else would it be?”

“Why are you wearing a cape?”

“Because I look great in it.”

“Not from where I’m standing.”

“If you were someone who had even a modicum of fashion sense, I might be upset by that comment, but well—just take a look in the mirror. Enough said.”

“There’s nothing wrong with what I’m wearing.”

“There wouldn’t be if you were thirty years older. I assume that top is from the Grandma Grump collection.”

“Cheek.” I didn’t have time to listen to Winky’s nonsense, so I headed out, but I stopped briefly at Jules’ desk. “What do you think of my top, Jules?”

“I—err—I—it’s—err—nice.”

Nice? We all know what that means, don’t we?

***

The previous day, when I’d visited Shoesy, I’d pretended to be a lottery winner, intent on buying several pairs of expensive shoes. Now, I wanted to get a look at the CCTV, but I couldn’t possibly turn up as myself, so once again, I was forced to change my appearance. The police uniform part was easy enough, but I couldn’t bear the thought of looking like Kathy again, so I elected to make myself look like Jules. I figured that would be a safe bet because I knew she was back at the office.

Wilbur was standing by the window, and he kept checking his watch. He was no doubt watching for the return of the lottery winner who had promised to spend a small fortune. I was about to ruin his day.

“Hello, officer,” Wilbur said. “Can I help you?”

“I hope so. I’m with the serious fraud team. We’re investigating a con-woman who has been operating in and around Washbridge, and we have reason to believe she may have visited your shop.”

“Really?”

“Yes, she’s a good-looking lady about my height. Her MO is to present herself as a lottery winner.”

“She was in here yesterday. Although, I’m not sure I’d call her good looking.”

I was beginning to dislike this young man.

“Are you sure it was her?”

“Absolutely. When she first came into the shop, I sensed something wasn’t right because she didn’t look like the kind of customer who typically buys our shoes.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“She seemed a bit—err—common, if you know what I mean.”

Common? Cheeky little punk.

“What did she buy?”

“Nothing. She said she didn’t have time and that she would come back this morning.”

“Did she say what time?”

“No, just that it would be before lunchtime.”

“That’s excellent. We may be able to catch her in the act. I assume we can rely on your cooperation.”

“Absolutely. I hate people like that.”

“Great. I see you have CCTV.” I gestured to the camera above the door.

“Yes, we find it acts as a deterrent.”

“Could you show me the footage of her? I’d just like to double-check it is the person we’re looking for.”

“Sure, it’s through the back.”

Wilbur led the way to a small office where the CCTV computer was on a table. He’d no sooner logged in than a bell chimed to indicate a customer had entered the shop.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Go and see to your customer. I know how to use this.”

“What if it’s the con woman?”

“Come and get me.”

“Okay.”

As soon as Wilbur was out of the door, I brought up the footage for the day when Randy had left work, never to return; he bore a remarkable resemblance to his sister. Only a handful of men entered the shop on that particular day, and only one of those entered into a conversation with Randy. Before I logged out of the CCTV, I took a photo of the customer.

“Thanks, Wilbur,” I said, as I headed for the door. “I’ll be on my way now.”

“What about the con-woman?”

“Two of my plain clothes colleagues will be here shortly. They’ll pretend to browse around until she shows up, then they’ll arrest her. Thank you again for your assistance.”

As I walked up the high street, I was feeling quite pleased with my morning’s work because I now had a photo to show Mandy Candy and her family. Hopefully, one of them would recognise the man who’d so upset Randy.

“Jules?” someone called from behind me.

Oh bum!

I turned around to find Mrs V with a puzzled look on her face.

“Hi, Mrs V.”

“I thought it was you, Jules, but the uniform threw me for a minute. You didn’t tell me you were quitting your job with Jill.”

“I—err—I—”

“I know she can be a nightmare to work for sometimes.”

“I didn’t. I haven’t. Quit that is.”

“Oh?” She looked me up and down.

“You’re probably wondering about the uniform.”

“Well, yes.”

“It’s for a fancy-dress party.”

“I see. I’d be careful walking around the town in it. You could be arrested for impersonating a police officer.”

“Good point. I’d better get back to the office and change out of it.” I started to edge away. “Nice to see you, Mrs V.”

I hurried away before she could say anything else.

And what did she mean I could be a nightmare to work for? Cheek!

Chapter 6

Mandy Candy’s house, which was about a ten-minute walk from Aunt Lucy’s, was the largest on the street. There was a statue of a lion on each of the two gateposts, but one of them was minus its head. As I walked down the path, I spotted Mandy looking through the window. By the time I had reached the house, she’d already opened the door for me.

“Did you find us okay?” she asked.

“Yes, my aunt lives quite close by.”

“Come through to the lounge. Mum and Dad are waiting for us in there.”

Her parents were seated side by side on a tiny sofa, which was only just big enough for them both.

“Mum, Dad, this is Jill Maxwell.”

They both attempted to stand at the same time, with the result that they became wedged together.

“After you, darling.” Mandy’s father sat back down, and waited until his wife was on her feet before getting up.

“Thank you for helping us. My name is Sandy,” she said.

“And I’m Andy.” Her husband shook my hand.

“Would you like something to drink?” Sandy said. “Tea? Coffee? Something else?”

“Tea would be lovely. Milk, no sugar, please.”

“I’ll see to it,” Mandy said, and hurried out of the room.

“Please sit down,” I said.

Having learned from their previous faux pas, Andy waited until his wife was seated before squeezing in beside her. I took a seat in the matching armchair facing them.

“We’re so very worried about Randy.” Sandy welled up.

“Don’t get upset, flower.” Andy put his arm around her. “He’ll be back in no time.”

“How can you say that?” she snapped. “We have no idea where he is.”

“That’s why Jill is here,” he said. “You’ll find our boy, won’t you, Jill?”

“I’m going to do my best.”

After Mandy had handed out the drinks, she took a seat in the other armchair.

“Did you manage to get a photo of the man who had the altercation with Randy?” Mandy asked.

“I did.” I took out my phone, brought up the image I’d taken of the man on CCTV, and handed the phone to her.

“I’ve never seen him before.” She handed it to her mother.

Both parents shook their heads. I’d hoped that at least one member of the family would recognise the man in the photo because, so far, it was the only lead I had, but I didn’t show my disappointment.

“Who is he?” Andy asked.

“I don’t know, but once I’ve worked that out, I think I’ll be closer to finding your son.”

“What can we do to help?” Andy said.

“I need you to tell me as much about Randy as you can.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Had he seemed happy before his disappearance? Did he give you the impression that he’d adjusted to living in the human world?”

Sandy and Andy both responded positively.

“Definitely.” Andy nodded.

“We were worried when he first told us of his plans,” Sandy said. “And surprised because he’d never shown any interest in moving to the human world while growing up. I tried to talk him out of it, but his mind was made up. Once he’d moved there, though, it soon became obvious that he was really enjoying it.”

“There were a few hiccups,” Andy said. “But nothing serious.”

“Such as?”

“The fangs,” Mandy chipped in. “You remember when I came to see you at your office, and you had to remind me about mine. Randy had the same problem at first, but he soon got used to keeping them out of sight.”

“What about his job? Did he have any problems at work?”

“No, he seemed to be enjoying it,” Sandy said. “He didn’t see it as a long-term thing. Just something to tide him over until he was used to the human world and could find something better.”

“He liked meeting all the young women who came into the shop,” Andy said. “That’s where he met Keeley.”

“I understand he broke up with her, just before he disappeared. Had he mentioned any problems with their relationship?”

“None,” Sandy said. “He was well and truly smitten.”

“But he was always on edge that she might discover he was a vampire,” Mandy said.

“What about friends?” I asked.

“In the human world? He hadn’t had chance to make any, I don’t think. Just the people he worked with, and Keeley of course.”

“What about here in the sup world? Is there anyone he might have confided in if he did have any problems?”

“He would have told us,” Sandy said.

“Perhaps, but in my experience, there are some things that a child may feel unable to tell their family, but which they are willing to discuss with a close friend.”

“He had loads of friends here,” Andy said.

“Anyone in particular? His best friend?”

“Jude,” Mandy said. “Jude Rockmore. They’ve been best friends ever since junior school.”

“Do you have a contact number for him?”

“No, but I can tell you where he works.”

“That’ll do.”

“I really don’t believe there is anything that Randy wouldn’t discuss with us,” Sandy said.

“You may well be right, but there’s no harm in my talking to Jude. What about interests outside of his work? Did Randy tell you what he got up to when he wasn’t working?”

“He spent most of his time with Keeley.”

“Anything else?”

“Not really. He isn’t really one for going out.”

“Okay, and I’m sorry, but I have to ask this: is there any reason you can think of why Randy would choose to disappear?”

“No!” Andy said emphatically. “Randy is a good boy, and he would never do anything to upset his mother and me.”

“Andy’s right,” Sandy said. “He hated to see me upset in particular. I think something must have happened to him.” She began to sob.

“I think I have everything I need for now. If you think of anything else that might help—anything at all—please give me a call.”

I stood up.

“Please bring our boy back to us, Jill,” Andy said, as I left the house.

Mandy followed me outside, and closed the door behind her, so her parents couldn’t hear us.

“Be honest, Jill, it doesn’t look good, does it?”

“It’s too early to say that yet. You have to stay strong for your parents.”

“I’ll try. You’ll let me know if you find anything won’t you? Good or bad.”

“I promise.”

***

It had been one of those days when I felt like I’d accomplished absolutely nothing, so I was really looking forward to getting home and having a relaxing evening in front of the TV. If Jack was agreeable (or even if he wasn’t), I thought we should order in pizza. That, and a nice glass of wine, would put the world to rights.

As I drove towards the old watermill, I spotted a familiar figure waiting by the gate: Flathead. What did he want now?

“I’ve been waiting here for almost twenty minutes,” he said, as soon as I was out of the car.

“Why?”

“To talk to you of course.”

“I’ve had a really bad day. I’m not in the mood for another discussion about the fence.”

“This isn’t about the fence.”

“What is it about, then?”

“Tools.”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t pretend you haven’t seen those stupid idiots dressed as tools, walking around the village.”

“I’ve seen a few of them.”

“Vandals. And insolent to boot.”

“What’s happened?”

“Come with me and I’ll show you.”

“But I really want—”

It was too late; he was already hotfooting it in the direction of his house. I was tempted to leave him to it, but I knew as soon as he realised I wasn’t following him that he would come back and get me.

The man was on a mission, and it took me all my time to keep up with him. When we reached his property, I didn’t need him to tell me what the problem was, but he did it anyway.

“My cock,” he said. “Look at it!”

Mr Flatley was something of a topiary expert. Despite all of his faults, of which he had many, no one could deny that he had an extraordinary talent in that particular department. His garden had a number of pieces, all in the shapes of animals, including a dog, a squirrel and even an elephant. And of course the aforementioned cockerel, which was now minus its comb.

“Who did this?”

“Some idiot dressed as a giant saw. The vandal took out a real saw and cut off Timmy’s comb.”

“Timmy? You give your bushes names?”

“Of course. So, what are you going to do about it?”

“Me? Look, I understand why you’re annoyed; I would be in your position. But I fail to see why it’s my responsibility to do anything about it. You should go to the police.”

“A lot of good that would do. It was you and that husband of yours who pushed to allow the hotel to be used for these stupid conventions.”

I noticed that he hadn’t mentioned Grandma who had sold the hotel to the convention company. I knew why; he was terrified of her, just like everyone else in the village.

“Well?” he demanded.

“It really is nothing to do with me. You’ll have to sort it out yourself. I’m not getting involved.”

“I might have known. I’ll have something to say about this at the next village meeting.”

I didn’t doubt that for one minute.

It wasn’t that I didn’t understand Flathead’s anger. I would have been livid if someone had vandalised my property, but he would have to fight his own battles.

Jack was just coming out of the store as I walked by.

“Been for a walk?” he said.

“Flathead asked me to take a look at Timmy.”

“Who’s Timmy?”

“Have you seen his topiary?”

“Yeah, it’s really good.”

“Timmy is his cockerel. One of the tools from the convention has cut off its comb. Flathead is not best pleased.”

“There are some real idiots in the village this week. We’ve had a few of them in the store, messing around.”

“Did they do any damage?”

“No, they were just acting like prats. Big kids, all of them. How come Flathe—I’m mean Mr Flatley involved you?”

“He seems to think you and I are responsible for the behaviour of the attendees because we were in favour of the conventions.”

“You shouldn’t get involved.”

“Don’t worry. I don’t intend to. Not on behalf of Flathead, anyway. I thought we might order in pizza.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“This was a good idea of yours,” Jack said as he bit into a slice of pizza.

“Are you sure you don’t want a glass of wine?”

“Not for me. I’m bowling tonight, remember.”

“I’d forgotten it was tonight.”

“Sorry, but I’d better get a move on.”

“Already?”

“Yeah. It’s an away game at West Chipping.”

“Will you be late?”

“I wouldn’t think so. Unless the guys decide to grab something to eat afterwards, in which case I’ll give you a call.”

“Okay.”

Jack had not long since left when someone knocked at the door. It was bound to be Flathead, come to moan about Timmy again. Well, I wasn’t in the mood for his nonsense.

“What?” I yelled, as I opened the door.

“Sorry, Jill.” Kiki was standing on the doorstep, in tears. “I just wanted to speak to Jack.”

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry, Kiki. I thought you were someone else. Come in.” I took her through to the lounge and sat next to her on the sofa. “What’s happened?”

It took her a while to compose herself, but she finally managed to say, “It was one of those creeps from the hotel.”

“The tools?”

“Yeah. Two of them came into the store just after Jack had left.”

“What did they do? They didn’t—?”

“They didn’t touch me or anything like that, but the things they said. It was horrible. I told them to leave, but they just laughed.”

“Where was Mr Ivers?”

“It’s Monty’s day off. It was just me in the shop. I know they were only messing around, but I was scared, Jill.”

“Here.” I handed her a tissue. “Would you like a drink?”

“No, thanks. I should get back to the store.”

“Don’t be daft.”

“I have locked up, but we shouldn’t really close for another hour.”

“Nevermind that.”

“I did try phoning Jack, but he didn’t pick up.”

“He’s driving to West Chipping, so he probably didn’t hear it.”

“I’m sorry to have bothered you with this, Jill.”

“It’s no bother. You did the right thing. You shouldn’t have to put up with that nonsense. What costumes were they wearing?”

“One of them was a hammer and the other was a nail.”

I might have guessed.

When Kiki had recovered, I offered to drive her home, but she said her boyfriend would be picking her up, so she wanted to go back to the store in time for his arrival. I didn’t even realise she had a boyfriend.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Jill. I shouldn’t have got so upset over a couple of stupid guys.”

“You had every right to be upset. Will you tell your boyfriend?”

“Definitely not. Tyson is into mixed martial arts; he’d want to go and sort them out, and I don’t want him to end up in prison.”

“Fair enough. Shall I come and wait with you for him to arrive?”

“No, thanks. He’ll know something is wrong if you do that.”

“Okay.”

Chapter 7

The next morning, Jack was still fuming.

“I feel so bad about leaving Kiki to face that by herself.”

“You weren’t to know those idiots were going to turn up after you’d left.”

“I wish you’d let me go over there, to sort them out last night,” he said.

“You’d have only landed yourself in trouble. What good would that have done?”

“Are we supposed to pretend it never happened?”

“I didn’t say that. You just need to leave me to deal with it.”

“What are you going to do?”

“It’s best you don’t know, but you can tell Kiki she won’t have any trouble from that group of idiots again.”

“Normally, I’d tell you not to do anything rash, but you have my blessing to do your worst. I want those idiots to suffer.”

“Don’t worry. By the time I’ve done with them, they’ll wish they’d never been born. Incidentally, you never told me that Kiki had a boyfriend.”

“Tyson? She only started seeing him last week.”

“Have you met him?”

“Not yet.”

“She reckons he’s into mixed martial arts, so you’d better not go upsetting her.” I grinned. “Right, I’m off.”

“Already? You’re early, aren’t you?”

“I have an appointment with a few tools before I go into the office.”

“Good luck.”

I sneaked around the back of the hotel, so that no one would see when I magicked myself into a costume appropriate for Toolbox Con. No one challenged me as I walked through reception towards the restaurant, where breakfast was being served. It was about half-full, and just as I’d expected, most of the people in there were dressed in costume. One thing I’d come to learn about hardcore convention goers was that a lot of them liked to stay in character for as much of the time as they could.

I’d been uncertain how I would locate my targets, but I needn’t have worried because all I had to do was to follow the loudest voices in the room. Clearly, these guys were believers in the hair of the dog because they had already started drinking. They obviously intended to wash down their full English breakfast with lager from the cans stacked next to the table. The loudmouths seemed to be competing with one another to see who could talk the loudest, and then laughing at one another’s dirty jokes. I was almost at their table before the hammer noticed me.

“Hello there, little screw.”

“Hi, guys,” I said in my sexiest voice. “You lot seem to be having a lot of fun.”

“We always have fun,” the nail said. “Why don’t you come and join us, darling?”

“I’d love to, but I’ve already eaten breakfast.”

“Who said anything about breakfast? Pull up a seat and grab a beer.”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”

“What’s that you’re holding?” said the pincers.

“It’s my toolbox.”

“It’s cute, just like you,” the spirit level said.

“Come on, sexy, you look like you like to party.”

“I do, but not in here. It smells of bacon and sausages.”

“How about you come up to one of our rooms? We could order champagne.”

“Champagne? Now, you’re talking.”

“Let’s go to mine,” the nail said. “I’m on the ground floor.”

“Great.” The hammer got to his feet. “Let’s go.”

They practically fell over one another in their rush to leave the restaurant. As they went, they kept looking back to make sure I was still following them.

When we reached the nail’s room, it became quite comical as the oversized tools pushed and shoved one another, as they fought to get through the door. Once they were all inside, I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.

“Come on, sexy, why don’t you show us what’s under that costume?” the hammer said.

“All in good time.” I walked over to the bed and put my tiny little toolbox on top of the duvet. “Wouldn’t you like to know what I keep in here?”

They all gathered around.

“Well? Would you like to see?”

“Sure,” said the pincers. “Show us what you’ve got.”

I took out a key, unlocked the tiny padlock, and then pulled open the lid.

“It’s empty,” said the spirit level.

While they were all still staring at the empty toolbox, I cast the ‘shrink’ spell on each one of them. Then I picked them up, one by one, and dropped them into the toolbox.

“What’s happening?” one of them shouted.

“What have you done to us?” shouted another.

“What’s wrong, guys? I thought you tools would be at home in a toolbox.”

“This isn’t funny.” The hammer tried to scale the side of the toolbox but kept slipping back down.

“It’s pretty funny from where I’m standing.” I laughed. “You guys just can’t take a joke.”

“Who are you?” the nail demanded.

“Me? I’m your worst nightmare.” I started to close the lid.

“Stop! You can’t leave us in here like this.”

“Actually, I can. Don’t worry, I’ll let you out in a few minutes.”

“Wait! You can’t—”

I closed the lid and then magicked myself across the country.

After discarding my screw costume, I turned the toolbox upside down and shook the tools out onto the ground. After dusting themselves down, they looked up at me.

“What have you done to us?” the hammer shouted.

“I’ve made you tiny, to match your tiny little brains.”

“How did you do that?”

“That’s for me to know and for you to wonder.”

“Where are we?” The spirit level glanced around.

“This is John O’ Groats.”

“John O’ Groats?” said the nail. “How did we get here?”

“If I thought you had the brain capacity to understand, I’d try explaining, but clearly, I’d be wasting my time. And besides, I have things to do.” I turned away.

“Wait! You can’t leave us here like this.”

“Sorry, you’re right.” I turned to face them. “What was I thinking?” I reversed the ‘shrink’ spell that I had cast on them. “Now, I really do have to be leaving.”

“Hang on! You can’t leave us up here.”

“Actually, I can.”

“How are we going to get home?”

“Not my problem. Try hitchhiking.”

“Who’s going to pick us up dressed like this?”

“You have a point. Maybe lose the costumes?”

“Our clothes are back at the hotel.”

“Probably best to keep the costumes on, then. This wind is pretty nippy.”

“We’ll go to the police.”

“And tell them what?”

“That you made us tiny and brought us up here against our will.”

“Good luck with that.” I made to leave but then hesitated. “Just one thing, guys: don’t even think of returning to Middle Tweaking because if you do, I’ll have no choice but to shrink you again, and this time it will be for keeps. Bye!”

And with that, I made my exit.

***

“Good morning, Jules.”

“Hi.”

“Any calls?”

“Nothing so far. Mrs V popped in about twenty-minutes ago, though.”

“Did she want anything in particular?”

“No, she said she was just passing. I offered her a drink, but she said she was meeting Armi for coffee.”

“Right.”

“Do you think she’s okay, Jill?”

“Mrs V? Yeah, but she probably gets a little bored now that she doesn’t have work to go to.”

“No, I meant do you think she might be losing it?”

“No way. She’s as sharp as a tack. What makes you ask that?”

“It’s just that she asked me when the fancy-dress party was. When I asked her which fancy-dress party, she said the one I’d told her about when we bumped into each other on the high street. The thing is, Jill, I never did bump into her, and I certainly didn’t mention a fancy-dress party. She reckoned that I’d been wearing a policewoman’s uniform.”

“She must have got you mixed up with someone else.”

“I guess, but it was all a bit weird.”

“I shouldn’t worry about it. I’d better make a start.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself,” Winky said.

“Why? What did I do?”

“Making the poor old bag lady think she’s losing her marbles.”

“Poor old bag lady? Since when did you give two hoots about Mrs V? You’ve made a career of messing with her head.”

“Anyway, you’re late again.” He tapped his watch. “A cat could die of hunger waiting for you.”

“You’re already dead.”

“That’s no excuse. Where have you been, anyway?”

“John O’ Groats.”

“No need for sarcasm.”

“It’s true. That’s where I was.”

“What were you doing in John O’ Groats?”

I told him about the antics of the tools from the convention, and the punishment I’d devised for them.

“Nice one. Aren’t you worried they might report you to the police?”

“Somehow, I don’t think the police are likely to take four men, dressed as tools, and stinking of booze, very seriously. Particularly when they claim that some woman, dressed as a screw, had shrunk them and transported them to John O’ Groats in a toolbox.”

My phone rang; it was Kathy.

“Jill, I’m hoping I caught you in time.”

“In time for what?”

“Before you bought our anniversary present.”

“It’s your anniversary?”

“Don’t act dumb. You know it is.”

“Isn’t it a little presumptive to assume that we’re going to buy you a present?”

“Of course you are; it’s our silver anniversary.”

“So Jack said.”

“Anyway, the point is that I’ve seen the most gorgeous silver bracelet.”

“Hang on. Isn’t it Peter’s anniversary too?”

“Of course.”

“But you want us to buy a bracelet just for you? What about Peter?”

“He wouldn’t wear it.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

“You could buy Pete some golf balls or something.”

“Of course. What says silver anniversary like golf balls?”

“I’ll send a text link over to you. Catch you soon.”

No sooner had she ended the call than her text popped up on my phone.

“Two hundred quid?” I stared at the bracelet on screen.

“Let’s have a look,” Winky said.

I held out the phone so he could see it.

“That’s a rip off. I could get you a bracelet just like that for a fraction of the price.”

“How?”

“From a good friend of mine: Diamond Don. He can copy any piece of jewellery.”

“Do I have to remind you again that you’re dead? How are you going to communicate with him?”

“It’s okay. Don’s dead too, but he still keeps his hand in with the jewellery.”

“How can he make it for one quarter of the price?”

“He doesn’t use real stones, but no one, apart from another jeweller, would know the difference. Do you want me to ask him to give you a price for making a bracelet like this?”

“It can’t do any harm, I suppose.”

“Consider it done.”

I gave Jack a call.

“It’s me. How’s Kiki?”

“She’s okay, but I can see her getting nervous every time someone comes into the shop.”

“You can tell her she won’t get any more trouble from those idiots who upset her yesterday.”

“What did you do to them?”

“I’ll tell you tonight. I called to ask if you’ve done anything about Kathy and Peter’s anniversary gift.”

“Not yet. I haven’t had a chance.”

“Good. You don’t need to worry about it. I’ve sorted it.”

“Really? What have you bought them?”

“I’ll tell you that tonight too.”

Chapter 8

I’d skipped breakfast so that I could deal with the ‘tools’, and now I was beginning to feel a little peckish, so I magicked myself over to Cuppy C where Pearl and Amber were both behind the counter.

“If it isn’t the Great Maxwello.” Amber laughed.

“Got any white rabbits secreted upon your person?” Pearl said.

“I take it Aunt Lucy told you about the magic show?”

“Don’t mention her to us,” Pearl said. “She’s persona non grata at the moment.”

“What did she do?”

“Like you don’t know.” Amber scoffed.

“I have no idea.”

“You’re not going to deny you were in Crossover with her, are you?”

“No, but what’s the big deal?”

“We’re her daughters. She should be supporting Cuppy C, not the competition.”

“It was only a one off.”

“It’s the principle that counts,” Pearl said.

“Does that mean I’m out of favour too?”

“No, but only because Mum said it was her idea.”

“In that case, I’ll have a caramel latte and a—” I glanced at the display cabinet. “Don’t you have any blueberry muffins?”

“We can’t get hold of them. There’s a blueberry shortage, apparently.”

“How come?”

“We assumed it must be down to the weather, but apparently there’s been a bumper crop this year. Seems like someone has been buying all the stock.”

“Why?”

“No idea. It’s all a bit of a mystery. No one seems to know who the buyer is or what they’re doing with them.”

“Strange. I guess I’ll take a strawberry one, then.”

“Did Mum tell you our big news?” Pearl said.

“No, we mainly talked about Florence. Plus, she mentioned that Lester was getting stir crazy now that he’s retired. Go on, then. What is your big news?”

“See for yourself.” She pointed to the brightly coloured poster in the centre of the notice board.

“Karaoke?”

“Brilliant or what?” Amber beamed.

“I’m going to go with what.”

“What’s wrong with karaoke?” Pearl demanded. “People love it.”

“Do they? Really? The people singing might do, but then they’re usually drunk. Aren’t you worried you might scare your regular customers away?”

“You’re too shortsighted, Jill,” Amber said. “It’ll bring in a whole new category of customer.”

“Are you really offering a cash prize of two-hundred pounds? That sounds like an awful lot of money.”

“It’s fine. We’ll make that back and some. You have to come, Jill.”

“Karaoke isn’t really my thing.”

“I know you can’t sing, but it doesn’t really matter for karaoke.”

“What do you mean I can’t sing? I’ll have you know my voice has been described as that of an angel.”

“Yeah, right.”

They both laughed.

It was only when I turned away from the counter that I spotted Daze, sitting by herself, at the far side of the shop.

“Hey, Daze, I didn’t see you there. No Blaze?”

“He’s not well.”

“Nothing serious, I hope?”

“No, he’s just a bit under the weather.”

“Do you mind if I join you?”

“Of course not. Pull up a seat. I heard the twins trying to recruit you for their karaoke night. They tried to twist my arm too, but it’s not my thing. I told them Blaze might be up for it, though. He fancies himself as a budding pop star. How’s business?”

“Can’t complain. I have a couple of cases on the go at the moment. Nothing very exciting, though.”

“What about your side gig?”

“What side gig?”

“I heard you’re doing a magic act nowadays too.”

“Is there anyone who hasn’t heard about it? It wasn’t my idea. Grandma volunteered me for it.”

“How is your grandmother? I haven’t seen her for a while.”

“She’s fine, but she has too much time on her hands since she sold all her businesses. Now, all she seems to do is to think of things to make my life a misery. What about you? Any interesting cases at the moment?”

“A couple. One in particular is causing us a headache.”

“Anything I can help with?”

“Not unless you know anything about blueberries.”

“The twins just mentioned there’s a shortage of them, but how does that concern you? I thought you and Blaze only got involved with major cases.”

“We do and, believe it or not, blueberries are big business here in the sup world. In fact, they’re in the top ten businesses overall. We’re talking serious money.”

“What’s happening? Is someone stealing them?”

“No. They’re being bought by a network of mysterious buyers.”

“What do you mean by mysterious?”

“The buyers appeared from nowhere. No one had ever heard of them until a couple of months ago. The feeling is that it’s actually all the work of one person, who is using the network to hide their real identity.”

“That’s pretty weird, but if they’re actually buying them, rather than stealing them, has any crime been committed?”

“Not on the face of it, but it depends what they’re doing with the blueberries. It’s against the law to export fruit to the human world.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s been that way ever since the authorities realised that it’s possible to grow fruit much more cheaply here than in the human world. Before the legislation was introduced here, there was a dearth of fruit because it was all being shipped to the human world for big profits.”

“Do you think that’s what’s happening here? Is someone taking the blueberries to the human world and selling them there?”

“That’s our working theory at the moment, but if that is what’s happening, whoever’s behind it is doing a good job of covering their tracks because we’ve not been able to come up with any leads so far. But enough about work. What do you make of the twins’ latest idea?”

“The karaoke? I have my doubts about it. People usually need a few drinks down them before they get up and sing. I’m not sure a latte or flat white will have the desired effect.”

***

I still suspected Lorraine Longflower’s husband was being unfaithful, and I intended to monitor John’s every move, just in case he was playing away. To do that, though, I was going to need help, so once again I was forced to call upon the services of the ever-reliable Edna, the surveillance fairy; she answered my call on the first ring.

“What do you mean you’ve retired?” I said.

“It’s pretty simple. I’ve hung up my wings.”

“You tried that once, remember? You came out of retirement to work for me because you were bored.”

“I wasn’t ready to retire then. I am now.”

“It was only last week you did a job for me. You never mentioned anything about retiring then.”

“Why should I? You’re not my keeper.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Not my problem.”

“Hang on. What about that friend of yours who helped out once before?”

“Dead.”

“What?”

“The poor old thing wasn’t paying attention, and she flew headfirst into a double-decker bus. Terrible mess.”

“You must know someone else who can help me?”

“I don’t.” And with that, she hung up.

Drat! I’d come to rely heavily on Edna and now I was completely stuffed.

“I could do it,” Winky said.

“Do what?”

“Surveillance.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Edna was ideal in the job because, as a fairy, she’s invisible to humans.”

“And?”

“And you’re—” I hesitated.

“Invisible to humans?”

“Yeah, but you’re a cat.”

“What does that have to do with the price of fish?”

“I would need this guy following twenty-four seven.”

“So what? Sleep is for wimps.”

I was desperately trying to think of a reason why it wouldn’t work, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised it actually might.

“What do you have to lose?” he said. “Who else are you going to use?”

He had a point. With Edna out of the picture, I had no idea who to call on for surveillance.

“Let’s say I agree, and I’m not saying I do, how would you report back to me?”

“Duh!” He took out his phone.

“Right, yeah, of course. I suppose we could give it a go.”

“Great. Now, we just have to discuss the small matter of my fees.”

“You don’t really expect to be paid, do you?”

“Of course I do. I’m hardly going to do it out of the goodness of my heart, am I?”

“How about I pay you the same as I used to pay Edna?”

“Custard creams? Are you kidding? I want cold hard cash.”

“What do you need cash for? You’re a cat. Plus, you’re dead.”

“Thanks for the reminder. Look, just because I’m a ghost doesn’t mean I don’t need money.”

“Where would you spend it?”

“In GT.”

“You hate that place.”

“I never said that. I said I wouldn’t want to live there, but it’s okay for shopping.”

“Can you spend currency from this world there?”

“No, but there are plenty of currency exchanges that will convert human currency to ghost dollars.”

“Ghost dollars? You just made that up. There’s no such thing.”

“What are these then?” He produced a wad of notes from somewhere.

“That looks like toy money.”

“This is cold hard currency in GT. So, what’s the going rate for surveillance?”

“I’ve no idea, but I can’t afford to pay you very much.”

“Pleading poverty, as always.”

“The best I can do is pay you minimum wage.”

“Double that and you have a deal.”

“Okay, but for that kind of money, I’ll expect results.”

“No problemo. When do I start?”

“Tomorrow.”

***

“John O’ Groats?” Jack laughed. “That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“Harsh? They got off easy. I had considered dropping them off at the North Pole.”

“I’m just trying to picture them, hitchhiking home, dressed like tools.”

“Serves them right.”

“Aren’t you worried they might report you to the police?”

“And say what? Some woman, dressed as a screw, shrunk us, put us in a toolbox, and dropped us off in Scotland? Somehow, I doubt that’s going to happen.”

“I just wish I could tell Kiki what you did to them.”

“Probably best you don’t.”

“What’s this present you’ve bought for Kathy and Peter?”

I took out my phone, brought up the photo that Kathy had sent to me, and showed it to him.

“How do you know Kathy will like it?”

“Because she was the one who sent this link to me.”

“Wow, have you seen the price? She must think we’re made of money.”

“It’s okay. I can get it for a fraction of that price.”

“How?”

“Winky has a friend who can copy any piece of jewellery.”

“Your dead cat has a friend who can reproduce jewellery?”

“His name is Diamond Don, apparently. He’s dead too.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? It sounds a bit dodgy to me.”

“It’ll be fine. Winky swears by this guy.”

“On your head be it. It would probably be best not to mention to Kathy that it’s a rip-off, made by a dead cat, though.”

“Thanks for that crucial piece of advice because I obviously intended to tell her.”

“Anyway, doesn’t Kathy realise that the anniversary applies to both of them?”

“She said we could get Peter some golf balls.”

“Poor Peter.”

“By the way, Winky is going to do some surveillance work for me.”

“You’re going to use a ghost cat for surveillance? Do you know how crazy that sounds?”

“How is it any worse than using a fairy?”

“There are days when I think this is all a dream, and any moment now I’m going to wake up.”

Chapter 9

“Greek yoghurt?” I said to Jack. “Yuk, and double yuk!”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Do you really have to ask? Just look at it. It looks revolting.”

“It’s delicious. I bought some blueberries to go with it?”

“Where were they grown?”

“What?”

“The blueberries. Where were they grown?”

“I’m not sure.” He got up from the table and walked over to the fridge. “Cyprus, apparently. Why?”

“No reason. What’s with the yoghurt, anyway?”

“It’s good for you. You should try it instead of that rubbish you eat.”

“I’ve told you before: strawberries are healthy.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that Strawberrycandy Pops are not the same thing as strawberries?”

“Of course they are. It’s right there in the name.”

“I give up. What have you got on today?”

“I’m taking a lesson at CASS this morning, and then I’m going to brief Winky on the surveillance that I want him to do. And I really must try and make some headway on the missing person case I’m supposed to be working on.”

“Is that the vampire from the shoe shop?”

“Yeah. He seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks. What about you?”

“I’ve got that phone call about the post office scheduled for later today. Hopefully I should find out if it’s going to happen or not.”

***

If I’m being completely honest, I was having serious doubts about my decision to teach at CASS. Although Florence had overcome her initial opposition, a number of the kids still teased her about it. That wasn’t my main concern, though. I didn’t feel like I was making a meaningful contribution to the kids’ education, and that was mostly my fault. Mrs Littledo had originally asked me to concentrate on covering magic in the human world, but somehow my lessons had gone off on all kinds of tangents. If I was to continue, I really had to get back on track.

“Can we talk about football today, Miss?” Jeremy Downgrove called out from the back of the class.

“No, we can’t.”

“But, Miss, the Premier League is wicked.”

“Wicked it may be, but we’re not here to—”

“Man City are the best,” Jamie Southline shouted.

“Rubbish. Liverpool are much better.” Annie Topsoil joined the debate.

“Enough! This lesson is about magic in the human world. It is not about football.”

“Arsenal are better than both of them!” Max Wakelace shouted.

“That’s enough. The next one to call out will be in detention for the rest of the week.”

Florence had taken to sitting on the back row of the classroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Teresa Killjoy, who was seated at the next desk, pass something to her.

“Care to share that with the class, Florence?”

Her cheeks flushed. “It’s nothing.”

“Good. In that case, we’ll make a start. Today, I’d like to go back to basics. What’s the first rule of using magic in the human world?”

Much as I’d expected, the question elicited a huge collective groan, accompanied by much eye-rolling, but a few kids did raise their hands.

“Yes, Arthur?”

“Don’t get caught, Miss.”

“No. Anyone else? Yes, Sarah?”

“Don’t use magic in the human world unless it’s absolutely necessary, Miss.”

“That’s correct, Sarah. When you’re in the human world, you should only resort to magic if there is no other option.”

“Do you use magic much in the human world, Miss?” Troy Jeweltown asked.

“No, Troy, I don’t.”

“Yeah, right,” Florence said under her breath, but just loud enough for me to hear.

I let it go for the moment, but when the lesson came to an end, I asked her to stay behind. Once we were alone, I tackled her about it, “What was that about?”

“What?”

“You know what. I heard what you said.”

“It’s true, though, isn’t it? You’re always telling us that we should avoid using magic in the human world, but you use it all the time.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Come on, Mum, you’re always using it, and often when it isn’t even necessary.”

I knew she was right, but that didn’t stop me from being annoyed.

“I don’t appreciate you making snide remarks during class.”

“I don’t appreciate you picking on me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. Teresa was the one passing notes. Why didn’t you call her out?”

“I—err—”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Okay, you’re right. I should have called you both out.”

“Can I go now, or I’ll be late for my next class.”

“Yeah, you can go.”

Another disastrous lesson.

***

“Good morning, Jill.” Jules sounded much too bright and breezy for this time of the morning. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You look a—”

“I’m fine,” I snapped.

“Sorry, I just thought—”

“No, it’s me who should be sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I didn’t have a good night.”

“Would a tea help?”

“A coffee might. Strong and black.”

“I’ll get straight on it.”

“Thanks, Jules.”

“What’s up with you, little miss grouchy?” Winky said.

“Nothing.”

“It didn’t sound like it. You nearly took Jules’ head off.”

“I’ve just done my weekly stint at CASS.”

“I’m guessing it didn’t go well.”

“I’m beginning to think that agreeing to do it might have been a mistake. What’s that you’re wearing?”

“It’s my new suit. Do you like it? It’s tweed.”

“And what’s that on your head?”

“A deerstalker, obviously.”

“You look ridiculous.”

“No, I don’t. This attire is perfect for my new role.”

“New—oh, you mean running surveillance.”

“What else?”

“You can’t go around dressed like that. You’ll attract too much attention.”

“No one can see me, remember?”

“Oh yeah, right.”

That begged the question why he needed to dress for the part, but I decided to let it lie. Provided he carried out the surveillance, he could wear a deep sea diver’s outfit if he wanted to.

“Here you are, Jill.” Jules handed me the coffee.

“Thanks, and I really am sorry about earlier.”

“Forget it. We all have our bad days.”

The coffee definitely helped.

“Right then, Sherlock, are you ready?” I said.

“I was born ready.” Winky jumped to his feet. “What’s the plan?”

“We’re going to Hostrich.”

“Cool, I love those crazy birds.”

“Not ostrich. Hostrich with an H. It’s where Lorraine Longflower’s husband works as a city trader.”

“Okay. Then what?”

“You stay close to him and watch his every move. I want to know everything he does. If he goes out, follow him. Okay?”

“Got it. Let’s do it.”

Lorraine Longflower had told me that her husband worked in an office on the third floor of the Suprex Building. Security there was very tight, so I magicked myself and Winky directly to the corridor where his office was located.

“This is exciting,” Winky said.

“Shush!”

“It’s not like anyone can hear me. Which is his office?”

“Second door on the left. I’ll magic you inside in a minute.”

“Cool.”

“I want to know if he does anything unusual or if he goes out.”

“No problem.”

“Don’t let me down.”

“You can rely on me, boss.”

“Okay. Are you ready?”

“Yeah.”

Once he was inside, I magicked myself back to the office. I’d just got back to my desk when Jules walked in.

“Jill?” She looked puzzled. “I came in a minute ago to get your cup, but you weren’t here. I didn’t see you go out or come back for that matter.”

Oh bum!

“I was under my desk.”

“Why?”

“I’d—err—dropped my contact lens.”

“I had no idea you wore contact lenses.”

“They’re not for my eyesight. They’re different colours for when I go under cover.”

“Oh. Did you find it?”

“Yes, thanks.”

***

I’d not long been back at the office when Winky reappeared.

“What are you doing back here?” I said.

“There’s a problem.”

“I’ll say there is. You’re supposed to be watching John Longflower twenty-four-seven, and yet here you are, less than an hour into the job.”

“I had no choice but to come back.”

“Why? Don’t tell me he can see ghosts.”

“No, he’s allergic to cat hair.”

“What?”

“I’d only been in there for five minutes and he started sneezing like crazy.”

“He might have a cold.”

“It’s not that. He called reception and told them he thought there was a cat in the building. I couldn’t hear what they said, but they clearly thought he was crazy. Anyway, they sent someone up to his office, to reassure him that there were no cats anywhere in the building. He insisted there must be because cat hair was the only thing that had that kind of effect on him. He was sneezing non-stop, so I figured I’d better get out of there.”

“But you’re a ghost. How can you trigger his allergy?”

“Beats me.”

“Bummer. So much for that plan.”

“I was really looking forward to my new job too.”

“I can’t believe it.”

I didn’t have time to dwell on this new dilemma because I got a call from Aunt Lucy.

“Jill, are you free?”

“I can be. What is it?”

“Do you think you could pop over?”

“Sure.”

I found Aunt Lucy seated on the sofa, with one foot on a footstool.

“What have you done to your foot?”

“It’s nothing. I just went over on my ankle.”

“It looks swollen. You should get it checked at the hospital.”

“There’s no need. It’ll be fine in a little while, but I’m supposed to be taking the dogs for their morning walk. I’d normally ask Lester, but he’s gone for a job interview. Do you think you could take them out?”

“Of course, but are you sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?”

“Positive.”

“Where are the boys, anyway? I thought they’d come running when they heard me.”

“They’re in the back garden.”

“Okay. Do you need anything before I go? A cup of tea?”

“No, I’m fine. I’ve not long since had a drink.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in a while.”

“Jill!” Barry came bounding across the lawn and almost sent me flying.

“Get down, you big lump.”

“Are you coming for a walk with us?”

“I’m going to take you because Aunt Lucy has hurt her ankle.”

“Is she okay?” Barry looked concerned.

“Yeah, she just needs to rest for a while.”

Buddy, who was seated on the bench, said, “We can dispense with the walk if you like.”

“No, we can’t. I want to go for a walk!” Barry said.

“Don’t worry. We’re going for a walk.” I turned to Buddy. “All of us.”

“Can we go to the park?” Barry said.

“Sure. Where’s your ball?”

“Don’t know.” He shrugged.

“I wouldn’t waste your time with that,” Buddy said. “He still hasn’t got the hang of fetching it.”

“What about you? Would you like to play ball?”

“I have better things to do with my time than chase after a ball, thank you very much.”

I had hoped that Buddy might mellow with age, but if anything, he had become even grumpier.

The walk to the park took longer than it should have because Buddy was walking at a snail’s pace.

“Come on, Buddy, we haven’t got all day.”

“I told you to leave me at the house. My little legs aren’t what they used to be.”

“Give over. You aren’t that old.”

When we eventually made it to the park, I let both dogs off the lead. As expected, Barry bolted down the park, stopping only to sniff at any interesting odours he encountered. Buddy, on the other hand, walked a few feet, then lay down.

“Come on, Buddy, you could at least make the effort.”

“I just did. I walked here, didn’t I?”

“Don’t you need to do anything?”

“I beg your pardon. I don’t go enquiring about your toilet habits, do I?”

“No, I just meant—never mind.” I glanced down the park, but there was no sign of Barry. Oh no. Where had that crazy dog gone?

“Barry! Barry!”

No response and still no sign of him.

“Buddy, stay here while I go and find Barry.”

I’m not really sure why I said that because it was obvious Buddy didn’t intend going anywhere.

There were several people in the park and at least one-third of them were dogwalkers.

“Excuse me,” I said to a man with a standard poodle. “Have you seen a black and white labradoodle?”

“Do you mean Barry?”

“Yeah, do you know him?”

“Of course. Tiger and I often see him and Lucy, but I haven’t seen either of them today.”

Tiger? What kind of name was that for a self-respecting dog?

“Lucy is my aunt. She hurt her ankle, so I’m walking the dogs today, but Barry seems to have disappeared.”

“I’m sure he’s not far away. Tell Lucy I hope she’ll be okay soon.”

“Thanks.”

I had more luck with the next dogwalker I approached: a woman with a greyhound.

“Barry? Yeah, I saw him just now on the other side of the tennis courts.”

“Great, thanks.”

The tennis courts were on the opposite side of the park, and it took me a few minutes to get over there, even running at full pelt.

What? Of course I can run. Cheek!

When I got there, there was still no sign of Barry, but I could hear a dog barking from the other side of a row of bushes. It wasn’t Barry’s bark and sounded like a much smaller dog. I figured I’d go and see if the dog’s owner had seen Barry.

In the event, I didn’t need to ask him because I spotted Barry as soon as I walked around the bushes. He was standing on a kid’s roundabout, while on the ground below him was a Yorkshire Terrier, the source of the barking.

Barry spotted me, and called out, “Help me, Jill!”

“Is this your wuss of a dog?” The Yorkie’s owner, a werewolf, grinned.

“Yes, that’s Barry.”

“What kind of name is Barry?”

“It’s a perfectly good name, and I don’t see what business it is of yours. Can you put that little monster of yours on a lead, please?”

“Killer? He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“You can see he’s scaring Barry.”

“That’s because he’s a big wuss.”

“I won’t tell you again. Put him on a lead.”

“Or you’ll do what?” He scoffed.

“You really don’t want to find out.”

“Ooh, I’m so scared.”

“Are you going to put him on a lead?”

“No.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“You should have seen it, Buddy,” Barry said, as we made our way back to Aunt Lucy’s. “Jill turned the man into a cat.”

“I’m exhausted.” Buddy sighed. “Can’t you carry me?”

“No, I can’t. We’re almost home now.”

“What do you think will have happened to the man, Jill?” Barry said.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

I’d cast the spell in such a way that the werewolf would remain a cat for no more than ten minutes. Provided he could outrun Killer for that length of time, he’d be okay.

Snigger.

Chapter 10

“Aunt Lucy? What are you doing up? You should be resting your foot.”

“It’s absolutely fine. Look.” She did a little jig just to prove the point.

“How did—?”

“Your grandmother healed it.”

“Grandma?”

“Yes, me.” Grandma stepped out of the lounge. “I used the ‘ankle repair’ spell.”

“There’s no such thing.”

“There most certainly is. I’m surprised the most powerful witch in the world doesn’t know that.”

There are times when I could gladly strangle that woman.

“How were the boys?” Aunt Lucy asked.

“Buddy wasn’t very enthusiastic.”

“He never is. I usually have to drag him there. What about Barry?”

“He was having a great time until a Yorkie decided to terrorise him. I had to go to his rescue.”

“A Yorkie?” Grandma scoffed. “That dog is a big baby.”

“Hey, Grandma, you don’t happen to have any contacts who could carry out surveillance for me in the human world, do you?”

“I thought you were using that fairy. Elsie or whatever her name is.”

“Edna, and yes, I was, but she’s retired.”

“I can’t help you. Have you tried Candlefield Pages?”

“I don’t think there will be anyone listed in there.”

“You might be surprised. Let’s take a look.”

Grandma picked up the directory and began to flick through the pages.

“Sausage suppliers, sign makers, sticky pudding suppliers—ah, here it is surveillance services.”

“Really? Are you sure?” I took the directory from her and read the listings: surveillance fairy—that’s Edna’s number, so that’s no good. Surveillance nymphs—I don’t think so; those guys are all untrustworthy. That just leaves surveillance bees.”

“Bees?” Grandma took the directory back. “It can’t be bees. Well, my, so it is.”

“Maybe that’s just the name they trade under,” Aunt Lucy suggested. “Perhaps their names start with a ‘B’.”

“That must be it.” I nodded. “It’s not likely to be bumblebees, is it?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Grandma said. “Give them a call.”

I figured I had nothing to lose, so I called the number on the listing.

“Surveillance bees. Buzz speaking.”

Buzz?

“Err, hi. I just saw your listing in Candlefield Pages.”

“Right. Are you in the market for surveillance services?”

“Yes, I normally use a fairy called—”

“Edna? We just heard that she’s retired. A wonderful lady. It truly is the end of an era. What’s your name?”

“Jill Maxwell. I’m—”

“No introductions necessary. My sister and I are big fans of yours. I believe you have an investigation agency in the human world.”

“That’s right. The surveillance I need doing is in the human world. Do you work there, or do you only cover the sup world?”

“We cover both, but I’ll be honest and say that the majority of our work is in Candlefield and the surrounding area.”

“Okay, and what’s your availability at the moment?”

“We’re actually in between assignments just now.”

“Great. Would it be possible for you to visit my office later today, so we can discuss the job?”

“No problem. What time?”

“How about three o’clock?”

“Sounds good.”

After I’d given Buzz my address, I ended the call.

“Well?” Grandma said.

“He’s coming to see me at three.”

“I heard that part. Is he a bee?”

“Err, I wouldn’t think so, but he did say his name is Buzz.”

***

“Jules, I’m expecting someone at three o’clock.”

“Okay, Jill. What’s their name?”

“His name is Buzz. I don’t know his last name. Bring him straight through, would you?”

“Will do.”

Winky had changed out of his tweed suit and deerstalker. “I’m still gutted I couldn’t do the surveillance.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I’ve got a guy called Buzz coming around shortly to discuss it.”

“Buzz?”

“Apparently.”

“Incidentally, I spoke to Don.”

“Who?”

“Diamond Don. About your bracelet. He reckons he could knock an identical one up for seventy-five pounds.”

“Are you sure he knows what he’s doing?”

“Absolutely. The guy is a master craftsman.”

“I need it by a week today at the latest. Could he do it that quickly?”

“Only if you give him the go ahead today. And he’ll need the payment too.”

“Upfront? All of it?”

“Yeah. And it’s strictly cash.”

“Okay, but I’ll need to go and draw some out. I can do it after I’ve seen Buzz.”

“Cool. I’ll let Don know.”

A few minutes before three o’clock, Jules popped her head around the door.

“Do you want me to make a drink for your three o’clock visitor?”

“Err, let’s wait until he arrives. I’ll buzz you if he wants one.”

“Very good.” Jules laughed.

“Sorry?”

“You said you’d buzz me if Buzz wants a drink.”

“Oh right, yeah.”

Jules had no sooner left the office when a little voice whispered in my ear, “No drink for me, thanks.”

I almost fell backwards off my chair.

“Who’s that?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump.” A bee appeared in front of my face. “It’s just me.”

Buzz was a bee!

“Oh hi. I didn’t—I wasn’t—err—”

“We get that a lot. Oh, by the way, I hope you don’t mind but I invited my partner along.”

Another bee appeared next to Buzz.

“Hi, I’m Honey.”

“Hi.”

“We would both be working on your case if you decide to give us a chance.”

“Right. I have to ask: I know you advertise in Candlefield Pages, but do you guys have a lot of experience with this kind of work?”

“We’ve been doing it for three years now.”

“Three?”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Buzz said. “Bees only live a matter of weeks.”

“Well yeah.”

“The truth of the matter is that Honey and I aren’t really bees.”

“Sorry, now I’m really confused.”

“We’re fairies, just like Edna. Or at least we were until we crossed the wrong wizard.”

“Are you saying that a wizard turned you into bees?”

“Yeah. That was two years ago.”

“What a horrible thing to do.”

“What makes it worse is that he died not long afterwards, and no one has been able to turn us back into fairies.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Can I be honest with you, Jill?”

“Of course.”

“When I realised who you were, my first thought was that maybe you’d be able to help to turn us back into fairies.”

“I wouldn’t know how to begin without knowing what spell the wizard used.”

“Would you be willing to try? Maybe in lieu of payment if you let us take on this work for you.”

“Sure, but I can’t make any promises.”

“We understand, don’t we, Honey?”

“Absolutely. A little hope is better than none.”

“Okay, I suppose I ought to brief you on the job in hand.”

I spent the next few minutes telling Buzz and Honey about John Longflower, and his wife’s conviction that he had somehow changed.

“I need you to stick by him twenty-four seven. Wherever he goes, you go.”

“No problem. We can share the work between the two of us, so there’ll be no gaps in the surveillance. What in particular are we looking for?”

“I wish I knew. I need to know where he goes and who he meets, and really anything that you think might be relevant.”

“No problem. We’ll get straight on it.”

“I do have one more question before you leave.”

“Shoot.”

“Buzz and Honey aren’t your real names, are they?”

“No. We adopted them once we knew we were going to be stuck as bees. I’m Dale and Honey is actually Gail.”

“Which would you prefer I call you?”

“Let’s stick with Buzz and Honey, at least until you work your magic and turn us back into fairies.”

“Deal.”

“You really are scraping the barrel now, aren’t you?” Winky said, after Buzz and Honey had left. “Relying on a couple of bees for your surveillance.”

“It’s not like I had any other options, and besides, you heard what Buzz said. They’re not really bees; they’re fairies.”

Five minutes later, Jules came through to my office. “There’s still no sign of your three o’clock, Jill.”

“Sorry, Jules, I should have let you know. Buzz rang to cancel.”

***

“How did your phone call with the post office go?” I asked, as Jack and I ate dinner.

“It sounds like it’s ours if we want it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, they’re clearly keen to get something in place as quickly as possible, and the store is the obvious choice.”

“So, what happens next?”

“I said I wanted to take the weekend before giving them a definite answer.”

“Why the hesitation? I thought you’d already decided you wanted this.”

“I didn’t want to say yes without first making sure you’re okay with it.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“We barely see one another as it is. I’ll probably have to work longer hours if we take this on.”

“We both work stupid hours, so I doubt it will make much difference.”

“Financially, it will definitely help by providing a steady, guaranteed income stream.”

“The main thing is do you want to do it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s it, then. I say you should go for it. What about the training?”

“They said I would have to go away for training and then, when I get back, I’ll work alongside an experienced postmaster for a while.”

“Go away? Where and for how long?”

“London. For a week.”

“That means I’ll be home alone.”

“You’d be okay, wouldn’t you?”

“I guess so, but it’ll be weird to be in this house by myself. Have they said what they intend to do with the old post office?”

“No. I imagine they’ll put the building up for sale. Anyway, how was your day?”

“Weird.”

“All your days are weird. Care to be more specific?”

“I’ve hired a couple of bees to carry out surveillance for me.”

“’B’s? Is that their initials?”

“No, I mean bees as in bumble bees.”

“That is pretty weird.”

“Told you.”

Chapter 11

“What was that?” I nudged Jack who was still fast asleep.

In response, he pulled the duvet over his head.

“Jack!” I pulled it back off him. “What’s that noise?”

“What noise?” He managed to open one eye.

“It’s coming from the loft.”

“I don’t hear anything.” He yawned. “What time is it?”

“Six-thirty.”

“What?” That got his attention. “Why didn’t you wake me up at six?”

“Because you didn’t ask me to.”

“You knew I had to go in early this morning.”

“I don’t know why you have to go in at all; it’s Saturday.”

“I told you that Kiki has gone away for the weekend, so it’s just me and Monty.” He disappeared into the shower.

I’d first heard the noise just after midnight. It had sounded like some kind of small creature scurrying around in the loft. It had gone on until just after one o’clock, then it had stopped. Until about six-fifteen, when it had started up again.

“What are you going to do about that thing in the loft?” I asked Jack, as he shovelled muesli into his mouth.

“I didn’t hear anything. Are you sure you didn’t dream it?”

“I’m positive. There’s something up there.”

“Why don’t you go up there and check it out?” he said.

“Me?”

“Why not? You’re going to be home all day.”

“It might attack me.”

“If you can fight off dragons, I’m sure you can handle a rat.”

“Rat? Who said anything about a rat?”

“What else could it be?”

“Can’t you take a quick look before you go to the store?”

“Sorry, no can do. I’m already running late.” And with that, he was out of the door.

When we’d moved into the old watermill, several years earlier, we’d discovered that the previous occupant hadn’t completely cleared out the loft. We’d managed to contact them through our solicitors, but by then they’d moved to the other side of the world. They’d eventually sent back word that they didn’t want any of the stuff up there, and that we were welcome to keep it.

How very generous – not!

I’d never actually been up there, but Jack had taken a quick look not long after we’d moved in, and he declared it to be just rubbish.

I’d just sat down on the sofa when a voice came from across the room, “This is nice.”

It was Humphrey, my least favourite talking teddy bear.

“Sorry?”

“You and I have so little opportunity to spend quality time together. It’ll be nice to chat one-on-one.”

“Thanks, but I’m not in the mood for a chat.”

“Come on, Jill, I know you and I didn’t get off to a very good start, but I’m sure if we gave it a chance, we could become great friends.”

I stood up. “I already have enough friends, thank you very much.”

“That’s not what I heard.”

“Don’t push your luck.”

Suddenly, the idea of checking out the loft seemed a whole lot more appealing.

“Where are you going?” Humphrey shouted after me.

“Up to the loft.”

“Can I come with you?”

“No.”

It was bound to be dusty and grimy up there, so I changed into an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Fortunately, the loft was fitted with one of those ladders that automatically extends once the hatch is opened. Once I was halfway up the ladder, I reached inside until I felt the pull-cord for the light. Only two of the four bulbs were working, and they were barely enough to illuminate the vast room.

I hadn’t heard any more noises since Jack had left for work, so I was hoping that whatever it was had taken its leave. After scaling the ladder, I tested the floor to see if it felt safe to walk on. It appeared to be solid enough, so I began to explore the space.

There was surprisingly little to see in there: Three wooden chairs, all of which were missing at least one leg. An old desk that had all but one of its drawers missing, an upright mirror—minus the glass, and any number of cardboard boxes. But, thankfully, no rats.

“Looking for anything in particular?”

The voice scared me so much that I almost fell back down the ladder.

“Who’s there?” I glanced all around but couldn’t see anyone.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I still couldn’t see anyone. “Where are you?”

“Up here.”

I looked up to see a strange little creature sitting on one of the beams that spanned the room. It looked like a cross between a fairy and a sprite.

“Who are you?”

“Dunk.”

“What are you?”

“What do you mean: what am I? What are you?”

“I’m the owner of this house; that’s what I am.”

“Really? Some might say the bank owns a good portion of it.”

“Never mind that. What are you doing up here?”

“I live here.”

“Since when?”

“Since forever.”

“How come I’ve never heard you before today?”

“It wasn’t me that you heard.”

“I don’t see anyone else up here.”

“You heard Molly.”

“Who’s Molly?”

“My missus. She had a fall last week, and she has to walk on crutches. That’s what you heard.”

“Where is she?” I glanced around the loft.

“She’s gone to visit her brother.”

“You still haven’t answered my question. What are you? A sprite?”

“A sprite? Please! Do not associate me with those abhorrent creatures. I’m a woft.”

“A what?”

“Woft. It’s spelled W-O-F-T.”

“I’ve never heard of wofts.”

“You obviously don’t move in the right circles.”

“Clearly not.”

“My family have lived up here for decades. Long before you appeared on the scene.”

“Were you here when Myrtle Turtle lived here?”

“Was she the old girl with the two odd sidekicks?”

“You mean Hodd and Jobbs.”

“Very uncouth, those two. The old lady was okay, though.”

“Did Myrtle know you were up here?”

“Of course not. None of those who lived here before you could see us, let alone talk to us. You’re the first sup to live here. That’s why I thought I’d introduce myself, but I wouldn’t have bothered if I knew you were going to give me attitude.”

“I’m sorry about that. I thought we had rats. Sorry. Can we start over?”

“Sure. Loft wofts are not ones to hold a grudge.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re not thinking of having a loft conversion, are you?”

“No. There’s only the two of us living here now. We’ve already got more space than we need.”

“That’s good to know. I can’t tell you how many of my friends and relatives have been displaced because of loft conversions.”

“You’re perfectly safe, but I don’t really understand why you would choose to live here. If you don’t mind my saying so, it’s rather spartan, and very dusty.”

“It’s not all like this. Would you like to see our main living area?”

“Err, sure.”

“Follow me.” He jumped down from the beam and walked around the desk and chairs, towards the far side of the loft. Once he reached the wall, he stopped. “Ready?”

“For what?”

He tapped the wall three times, and to my amazement, it slid open, revealing a much smaller room that was furnished with woft-sized furniture.

“What do you think?” he said.

“It’s really nice in here. Did you do this?”

“Me and Molly, yes.”

“You constructed this separate room?”

“Oh, no. This room was already here when we moved in. We just furnished it.”

“What about the people who lived here before us? Did they know about this room?”

“No. You’re the first person to see it. At least, since we moved in.”

“How long ago would that be? When did you move in?”

“Let me see.” He thought about it for a moment, then said, “It must be eighty years now. Give or take.”

“You don’t look that old.”

“Wofts age very slowly. My mother is two hundred years old and she’s still going strong.”

“Wow!”

“Is it going to be a problem, now that you know we’re up here?”

“I don’t see why it should be, although I’m not sure how I’m going to explain any of this to Jack.”

“Jack?”

“My husband.”

“Is he a sup too?”

“No, he’s a human.”

“Pity. I would have asked you to get him to come up here and introduce himself, but humans can’t see or hear wofts. Anyway, I’d better get going because I have to pick up Molly from her brother’s.”

“Okay. Nice to meet you.”

“Will you still be up here when we get back?”

“I wouldn’t think so. I’m just going to have a quick look around then I’ll be out of here.”

I spent the next half-hour looking through the boxes that were stacked against the wall, but I found nothing of interest or value. Two of the boxes were full of model railway magazines, which might have been of interest to an ex-neighbour of ours—Mr Hosey—but were of zero interest to me. Another box was full of electrical power cords. Two boxes were full of old bills dating back to the time when Myrtle Turtle had occupied the old watermill.

After what had been a fruitless exercise, I was about to call it a day when I decided to see if I could open the one remaining drawer in the desk. It didn’t respond to my pull, and I thought at first that it must be locked, but after giving it a much harder tug, it opened. Inside, covered in dust, was a small leather-bound book, which upon closer examination appeared to be a diary. Being curious (okay nosey), I decided to take it downstairs with me. After showering and getting changed, I made myself a cup of tea, grabbed the custard creams and settled down on the sofa.

“What have you got there?” Humphrey said.

“Nothing.”

“It looks like a diary. Who does it belong to?”

“I don’t know.”

“Should you be reading it?”

I hated that stupid teddy bear.

“I wasn’t going to read it.”

“Why did you bring it downstairs, then?”

“I’m just going to check to see who it belongs to, so I can return it to them.”

“Hmm. A likely story.”

“You look tired, Humphrey.”

“Not at all. I’m wide awake.”

“I really think you should go upstairs for a nap.”

Ignoring his objections, I grabbed the bear, took him upstairs, and put him on our bed.

“Don’t leave me up here by myself, Jill.”

“Have a nap. You’ll feel much better for it.”

With Humphrey out of the way, I opened the diary and discovered that it had belonged to Myrtle Turtle. It was from thirteen years ago which, if my calculations were correct, was the year she moved out of the old watermill.

I’ve never understood the appeal of keeping a diary. They’re all so boring: Today, I ate some biscuits. This afternoon, I cut my toenails. Who cares?

Myrtle’s diary was different, though, and made fascinating reading.

What? I know I said I wasn’t going to read it, but once I’d started, I couldn’t stop. Myrtle hadn’t used her diary to record the everyday trivia of her day-to-day life. Instead, she’d used it to record her investigations. An amateur sleuth, I’d first encountered Myrtle when she and I had investigated the murder of Madge Hick in Middle Tweaking, long before I moved to the village.

I was so engrossed in the diary that I lost all track of time. I was just reading about how Myrtle had solved the mystery of the silent church bells when I heard Jack come through the door. I didn’t want him to see me with the diary because he might get the wrong idea and think I was reading it. I just managed to push it under the sofa before he stepped into the lounge.

“I’m back,” he announced.

“Hi.”

“I don’t smell dinner.”

Oh bum! I’d been so engrossed in the diary that I’d forgotten I’d promised to have dinner waiting for him.

“I’ve ordered in pizza,” I lied.

“Oh, okay. How long will it be?”

“Err, not long now. Why don’t you go and get changed. It should be here by the time you’re ready.”

“Okay.”

As soon as he was out of the room, I grabbed the phone and called Lightning Pizza, whose flyers made a big thing about their lightning-fast delivery.

“What do you mean it’ll be an hour?” I said after placing my order.

“Sorry, lady, but Saturday evening is our busiest time.”

“But I need it in the next ten minutes. Can’t I pay extra for a superfast delivery?”

“Sorry, one hour is the best we can do.”

“What if I come and collect it? How long would I have to wait?”

“Just a couple of minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll come over.” I magicked myself to the pizza shop. “Hi, I’m Jill Maxwell. I just placed an order over the phone.”

The spotty young man, who still had the phone in his hand, gave me a puzzled look. “How did you get here so quickly?”

“I was just around the corner.”

“That’s not what you said before when you asked how long delivery would be.”

“Look, I really am in a hurry.”

Still confused, he handed me the boxes, and I magicked myself back to the old watermill. I’d just put the pizzas on the table when Jack came back downstairs.

“I didn’t hear the delivery guy.”

“I saw him pull up and met him at the door.”

“Great, I’m starving.”

“Me too.”

Chapter 12

“What’s this?” Jack had Myrtle’s diary in his hand. “It was under the sofa.”

Oh bum! I’d intended hiding that after we’d eaten pizza last night, but then I’d forgotten all about it.

“Just an old book I found in the loft.”

“Did you find out what was making the noise you heard? We don’t have rats, do we?”

“No, we have a woft.”

“I know we have a loft, but what was making the noise you heard.”

“A woft with crutches.”

“Are you deliberately trying to be obtuse?”

“It’s true. There’s a woft in our loft; two of them to be precise: Dunk and Molly.”

“What’s a woft when it’s at home?”

“It’s a sort of cross between a fairy and a sprite. I only met Dunk because Molly was visiting her brother. She’s the one with the crutches.”

“What are they doing in our loft?”

“They live there and have done for over eighty years.”

“How come I didn’t see them when I checked the loft just after we’d moved in?”

“Humans can’t see or hear them, apparently.”

I was hoping our discussion about wofts had taken Jack’s mind off the diary, but I was to be disappointed.

“This is Myrtle Turtle’s diary.”

“Is it?”

“Don’t play the innocent. You’ve been reading it, haven’t you?”

“Reading someone else’s diary? Of course not.”

“Come on, Jill, I wasn’t born yesterday.”

“I hadn’t intended to, but once I started, I couldn’t put it down.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“It’s not what you think. It isn’t full of the usual personal stuff. It’s a log of the cases she was working on. It makes fascinating reading.”

“You need to stop reading it and return it to her.”

“I have no idea where she lives. I heard she’d gone to live on the coast somewhere, but I don’t know where.”

“You’re a PI. I’m sure you’ll be able to track her down if you put your mind to it.”

“She probably won’t want it, anyway.”

“Maybe not, but you should at least give her the chance.”

“Okay, I’ll see if I can locate her. Satisfied?”

“Do you promise not to read any more of the diary?”

“Yeah. Anything else?”

“Yes, Humphrey isn’t very happy at being left alone upstairs.”

“Tough. I don’t want him down here with me.”

“You’re not being very fair.”

“If you’re so concerned about Humphrey, why don’t you take him to the store with you?”

“Fine, I will.”

“Good.”

Ten minutes later, Jack gave me a peck on the lips on his way out.

“And remember. No more reading that diary.”

“Yes, sir.” I gave him a salute.

“Do I get a kiss?” Humphrey said.

“You can kiss my—”

“Jill!” Jack snapped. “There’s no need for that. We’ll see you tonight.”

Jack had left Myrtle’s diary on the kitchen table. I’d already read the entries for the period January to May. I’d promised Jack I wouldn’t read any more, but what possible harm could it do? Who would know?

With a cup of tea and a couple (FYI: a couple in this case equals four) of custard creams, I made myself comfortable on the sofa. I’d put the bolt on the door, just in case Jack returned unexpectedly. That would buy me enough time to put the diary back on the kitchen table.

Picking up where I left off, I read Myrtle’s account of a spate of pet deaths in the village. Over a period of a month, two dogs and three cats had died under mysterious circumstances. An animal lover herself, Myrtle had been determined to get to the bottom of what was happening, and her diary detailed her thoughts during that period. She’d eventually tracked down the culprit: a certain Albert King who was the caretaker at the church at the time. He’d given poisoned food to the animals, and he’d only been stopped when Myrtle caught him red-handed, throwing tainted meat to the dog belonging to the village postman.

That took me to June in the diary. Up until that point, Myrtle had made entries for most days, but then they dried up. I was just beginning to think that must have been the point where she moved out of the house, but the entries started up again in the middle of August. These entries, though, were very different in nature. Myrtle’s handwriting, which was usually super neat, deteriorated markedly, to the point where it was a struggle to read it. It was such a dramatic change that I wondered if maybe she’d injured her hand. The handwriting wasn’t the only change, though. The content of the entries was very different. From January through June, every entry had related to a case she was working on. The entry for August 15th read:

Since I got back, I can’t shake the feeling that someone is watching me. I’m just being stupid. It’s most probably the after-effects. The doctor said it would take time to get back to full strength.

This entry was so unlike Myrtle. She sounded vulnerable, which is not something I’d ever associated with that formidable woman. It sounded as though she’d been ill which would explain the absence of diary entries between June and August.

I was just about to read on when there was a knock at the door. It was probably someone trying to sell me something, so I ignored it, but whoever it was knocked again, much louder this time. After placing the diary under the sofa, I answered the door to find Mr Flatley standing there.

“What were you doing?” he said.

“Sorry?”

“It took you a long time to answer the door.”

“I was busy. What do you want?”

“I wanted to talk to you about this.” He held out one of the church fete flyers.

“What about it?”

“I see you’re doing a magic act.”

“It would appear so.”

“I’m here to offer my help and advice. You probably don’t know this, but I’m something of an amateur magician.”

“I didn’t know that. Why didn’t the vicar ask you to do the magic show?”

“I asked him the same thing, and he said he didn’t know I was interested in magic, and that it was too late to change it now because he’d already had these printed. He suggested I contact you to offer my help. Hence why I’m here.”

“I see.”

I genuinely didn’t know how to react. On the one hand, the thought of spending any time in Flathead’s company made my flesh crawl, but if there was some way that I could palm off this stupid magic show onto him, that would be a result.

“Why don’t I show you some of my top illusions?” he said.

“I—err—”

“I’m sure once you’ve seen what I can do, you’ll be only too pleased to let me play a part in the show. I’m busy today, but you could come over to my house tomorrow night. How about seven o’clock?”

“Okay.”

“Great, I’ll see you then.”

As he walked away, I couldn’t help but feel I might have just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

***

I wouldn’t get away with ordering in dinner for a second day running, so I set about preparing a culinary masterpiece.

Jack arrived home promptly at six-thirty.

“How was your day, darling?” I said.

“Quiet, but a strange thing happened just before I came away.”

“Did it involve tools?”

“No, those guys have all gone home, thank goodness. Mr Flatley came into the store, and he said that you were going to his house tomorrow evening. When I asked him why, he just tapped his nose and said that would be telling. I assume he was joking.”

“Unfortunately not.”

“Why are you going to his house?”

“Apparently, Flathead is something of an amateur magician. He wants to help with the magic show that I’m supposed to be doing for the church fete.”

“Why would you need his help? You’re a witch. A real one.”

“If I use real spells in the act, I might upset the rogue retrievers.”

“Daze is hardly likely to do anything to you.”

“I know, but I want to cut back on the magic I use in the human world.”

“Since when?”

“Since my daughter pointed out that I was a hypocrite for lecturing the kids at CASS on the subject while I use it willy-nilly.”

“You didn’t mention that before.”

“I was trying to forget about it, but she’s right. I can’t justify using it for some silly church fete.”

“I’m still surprised you’d want anything to do with him.”

“So am I. What can I say? He caught me in a moment of weakness.”

“What’s for dinner or do we have to order takeaway again?”

“Dinner is almost ready. Go and get changed, and I’ll serve it up when you come back down.”

“Great. What is it?”

“That would be telling.”

“Fish fingers and chips.” Jack couldn’t have sounded less enthusiastic if he’d tried.

“And peas.”

“Yummy.”

“What’s wrong with fish fingers and chips?”

“Nothing. Thank you, darling.” He took a bite of fish finger. “What have you been up to all day?”

“Not much. I changed the bed and cleaned the shower.”

“Poor little thing. You must be exhausted.”

“No need for sarcasm. I would have done more but I became engrossed in Myrtle’s diary.”

“You promised that you weren’t going to read it.”

“I didn’t intend to, and I wish I hadn’t now.”

“Guilty conscience?”

“No, it’s not that. I’m worried about Myrtle.”

“Worried? Why?”

“The first six months of the diary were straight forward enough. Like I told you this morning, it was just a record of the investigations that she was involved with. But then, there were no entries for the month of July.”

“Maybe she got fed up with keeping the diary. People do that all the time.”

“It wasn’t that. She started up again in August, and it was obvious that she’d been ill during July.”

“That’s your answer then.”

“The thing is that the subsequent entries in the diary, which were few and far between, were completely different to those in the first six months.”

“Maybe she was still recovering from her illness.”

“It was more than that. Her whole tone changed. You remember what Myrtle was like. A more formidable woman you couldn’t wish to meet. Tough as nails. The entries in the diary after July were those of a woman who was clearly scared of something.”

“Scared of what?”

“I don’t know. She never actually said. See for yourself.” I passed him the diary. “Read the entries from August onwards.”

“I’m really not comfortable reading someone’s diary.”

“Please, Jack. I’m really worried about Myrtle.”

“Even if there was a problem, these entries are from twelve years ago.”

“I know. Read it and tell me what you think.”

I studied his face as he read it and I knew, even before he spoke, that he was having the same reaction that I’d had.

“It doesn’t even sound like Myrtle towards the end,” he said. “She sounds terrified.”

“I know. The worst part is where she said she couldn’t wait to get away from the old watermill.”

“But didn’t you see her just before she moved out?”

“Yes, if I recall correctly, I was working on the Kramer case at the time. He’d been wrongly convicted of murder.”

“Didn’t you notice a change in Myrtle then?”

“No, she seemed the same as she always had.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Unless she was just putting on a brave face. Either way, I need to track her down if only to put my mind at ease.”

Chapter 13

“There’s no point in you keep reading that,” Jack said over breakfast. “You’re only going to upset yourself.”

“I know, but listen to what Myrtle wrote, ‘I’ve never known evil like this.’ What do you think she could have been referring to?”

“I have no idea. How could we possibly know?”

“She seems to have been talking about something here in the old watermill.”

“If there was something evil in this house, don’t you think we’d have seen some evidence of it by now? We’ve lived here for more than six years.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“Put the diary down and forget all about it,” he said. “When you manage to get hold of Myrtle, there’ll probably be a simple explanation for it all. I still think it could be the side-effects of whatever her illness was.”

“I guess.”

“Are you still planning on going to Mr Flatley’s tonight?”

“Yes. Why don’t you come with me?”

“No chance.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have better things to do with my time than playing at magic.”

“If you really loved me, you would come with me.”

“Do you honestly think that emotional blackmail is going to work?”

“Not really, but I thought I’d give it a shot. I’d better be making tracks because I’ve got a busy day ahead.”

***

Jules was red in the face and appeared to be sweating profusely.

“Are you okay, Jules? You shouldn’t have come in if you have a fever.”

“It’s not a fever, Jill. I feel fine.”

“Are you sure? You don’t look it.”

“I’ve just had a workout at the gym in the basement. I didn’t discover the showers were out of order until I’d finished. Would you mind if I nipped home and took a quick shower?”

“Sure, but before you go, I’d like to give you a little job to do when you get back. I’d like you to try and track someone down for me.”

“Like a missing person?”

“Not really. It’s the woman who once owned the old watermill, where I live now. She moved out about twelve years ago. Her name is Myrtle Turtle and the only thing I know about her is that she supposedly moved to live on the coast somewhere.”

“That’s it?”

“I’m afraid so. I realise it’s not much to go on, but her name is quite unusual, so I’m hoping that might make it easier.”

“Okay. If I do find her, what do you want me to do? Shall I make contact with her?”

“No, I just want to know where she lives.”

“Okay, I’ll be back as quickly as I can.”

“You really don’t want to come in here,” Winky said.

“Why not?”

“I smell like last week’s skunk droppings.”

He wasn’t wrong.

“What have you been doing?”

“Working out, but the stupid showers aren’t working.”

“You work out?”

“How else do you think I got a physique like this?” He puffed out his chest.

“Are you telling me that you use the gym in the basement?”

“Why not?”

“And you shower down there too?”

“Usually, yes.”

“That’s insane on so many levels.”

“What’s wrong with trying to keep fit? You should try it sometime.”

“You’re a cat. Plus, you’re dead.”

“And yet, I still find time to work out. What’s your excuse for not doing that?”

“You can’t stay in here, stinking the place out.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“There must be showers that you can use in GT somewhere.”

“I don’t like GT. You know that.”

“I don’t care. You’re not staying here, smelling like that.”

“Fine, I’ll go to GT.”

Winky had no sooner disappeared than there was a knock at my door, and Mr Petty stepped inside.

“I’m sorry to barge in like this, Jill, but your receptionist isn’t at—” His words trailed away, and he began to sniff the air. “What’s that smell? Is it your new perfume?”

“What? Certainly not.”

“It smells a bit like—”

“Skunk?”

“I was going to say fish. Where’s it coming from?”

“I think it must be coming from outside.”

“But your windows are all closed.”

“I’ve just closed them. Was there something you wanted, Mr Petty?”

“I just wanted to update you on the Horlicks situation.”

“On the what?”

“Don’t you remember I told you that the new vending machines didn’t have any Horlicks?”

“I really don’t give a—”

“Great news. The management company have responded positively to my complaints and, from next Monday, they will provide sachets of Horlicks next to each vending machine.”

“Amazeballs.”

“Sorry?”

“I said that’s amazing. You must be very pleased.”

“I am. And that’s not the only success story this week.”

“Oh?”

“You may recall I told you I was unhappy with the state of the windows in this building.”

“Vaguely.” The man complained about so many things it was hard to keep track.

“Today, I have received confirmation that they have awarded the window cleaning contract to a new company, and they assured me that we will see an improvement.”

“Well done.”

“Thanks. One has to stand up for oneself, Jill. Let no one say Peter Petty is a walkover.” He sniffed the air again. “You really should contact the management company about that smell.”

“I’ll do that.” I ushered him unceremoniously out of the office.

***

I intended to pay Randy Candy’s ex-girlfriend, Keeley, a visit to see if she could throw any light on what might have happened to him. Randy’s sister, Mandy, had told me that she’d already spoken to Keeley, but I wanted to talk to her myself.

Before leaving the office, I opened all the windows in the hope that would get rid of the awful smell. I was just about to press the call button for the lift when the doors opened, and a fragrant Jules stepped out.

“That was quick,” I said.

“I went to my sister’s flat. She only lives a few streets away. I’m really sorry about having to nip out, Jill.”

“That’s okay. You weren’t to know the showers would be out of action.”

“Will you be gone long?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll keep you posted. One other thing, Jules, I wouldn’t go into my office.”

“Oh?”

“There’s a weird smell in there. Something to do with the drains, I think. I’ve opened all the windows.”

“Okay. See you later.”

The address that Mandy Candy had given me for Keeley Lock was an apartment block, just off the ring road. According to Mandy, Keeley was a nurse who worked nights, which I hoped meant I would find her at home.

Why is it that whenever I have to visit an apartment block, the lifts are out of order? It’s almost as though the lift gods have a vendetta against me. And, of course, Keeley couldn’t live on the first floor, or even the next five. Her apartment was on the seventh floor out of eight. By the time I reached her door, my heart was pounding, my legs felt like jelly, and I thought I might throw up. I had to stand there for a good five minutes to recover before knocking on the door.

No response.

Are you kidding me? Had I really just walked up six flights of stairs for nothing? I knocked again, much louder this time. I was just about to break down and cry when I saw movement through the small, frosted glass panel in the door.

“Who is it?” said the woman on the other side of the door.

“Keeley Lock?”

“Yes. Who are you?”

“My name is Jill Maxwell. I’m a private investigator. I’ve been hired by the Candy family to try and find Randy. Would it be possible to talk to you for a few minutes?”

She went silent and I was beginning to think those six flights of stairs were all for nought when the door opened. She was dressed in a nightie.

“Sorry, I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Yes, but it’s okay if it’s about Randy. Has he turned up?”

“I’m afraid not. Would it be possible to come in?”

“Sure. I’d better make some coffee or I’m likely to fall asleep on you. Would you like one?”

“Yes please.”

I followed her into a small kitchen, which was dominated by the largest double-fronted fridge/freezer I’d ever seen. Despite its size, almost every square inch of it was covered in fridge magnets. When Keeley opened the fridge door to get the milk, I got a look inside. It was practically empty.

She must have seen the puzzled look on my face because she said, “You’re probably wondering why I need such a huge fridge.”

“I—err—”

“It’s for the magnets. They’re kind of an obsession with me. I’ve collected them ever since I was a young girl. A few years ago, I ran out of space for them on my old fridge, so I either had to stop collecting them or—” She gestured to the huge fridge. “I bought Cecil instead.”

“Cecil?”

“That was the man’s name who sold it to me. Is it weird having a name for my fridge?”

Totally.

“Not really. We all have our little quirks, don’t we?”

“Sorry, you didn’t come here to talk about my fridge magnets. You said that Randy hasn’t shown up yet.”

“That’s right, and as you might imagine, his family are very worried about him.”

“Me too.”

“Candy told me that you and Randy broke up just before he went missing.”

“It wasn’t really a breakup, as such. He dumped me by text.”

“By text?”

“Didn’t you know?”

“I had no idea.”

“He went to work as normal, but that evening I got a text from him saying he thought we should end the relationship.”

“Just like that? Do you still have the message?”

“Sorry, no. I deleted it.”

“Had you been having problems prior to that?”

“No. At least, I didn’t think so. We argued occasionally, but it was never anything serious.”

“How was Randy leading up to that day? Did he seem stressed about anything?”

“No. He didn’t love his job, but he said it would do until he found something better.”

“So, you had no indication of what was to come?”

“None. I was devastated when I received his text. I tried to call him, but he didn’t pick up, and he didn’t respond to my messages.”

“What time was it when you received his text?”

“Probably about eight.”

“What time did he normally get home from work?”

“Usually between six-thirty and seven. He always texted me to say he was home.”

“Were you worried when you hadn’t heard from him when it turned seven?”

“Not really because he did sometimes work late, to do stock checks and the like.”

“When you couldn’t get hold of him, did you report it to anyone?”

“No, because at the time, I thought he was deliberately ignoring me, so he wouldn’t have to explain himself. I honestly believed that he’d eventually see sense and come back, but he never did. The next thing I heard was when his sister came looking for him.”

“Is his stuff still here?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what to do with it. Do you think something bad has happened to him?”

“I’m keeping an open mind for now. Anyway, I’m sorry to have got you out of bed.”

“That’s okay. Will you let me know if you find him?”

“Of course.”

Although I didn’t say as much to Keeley, I was now more worried about Randy than ever. I’d known he had split up with her, but I had no idea that he’d done it by text, completely out of the blue. To do something so out of character called into question the state of his mind. Was it possible that he had done something even more drastic?

***

After leaving Keeley, I decided a bite to eat was called for, so I popped into a small café called Bingo. It was a strange name, but I didn’t pay it much heed until I was inside, at which point everything became clear.

Every tabletop had a bingo card embedded into it. Next to the counter, was a small stage with an old-fashioned bingo machine full of coloured, numbered balls.

“You’re just in time,” the woman behind the counter said. “The next game is about to start.”

“I’m just here for something to eat.”

“It doesn’t cost anything. You get a free game with every meal bought, so you might as well play.”

“Right.”

“What can I get you?”

“Just a hamburger and fries, please.”

“Anything to drink?”

“Orange juice, please.”

After she’d taken my money, she said, “I’ll bring the food over. Pick a table. The game will be starting shortly.”

The café was busy, but I managed to find a free table near to the kitchen.

“Is this your first time, love?” the little old man at the next table said.

“Yes.”

“It’s all very straightforward. We play for one line, two lines and then a full house. Make sure you shout loudly if you win.”

“Right.”

A couple of minutes after my food and drink had been placed in front of me, a man with black, slicked-back hair, wearing a gold lame suit took to the small stage, and picked up a microphone.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for your next game. I see we have a few new players with us.” He looked my way. “Hello, young lady, is this your first time?”

I nodded.

“In that case, I wish you the best of luck. Eyes down and look in. Your first number is three and four, thirty-three.”

Huh?

“Just joking, folks. I wanted to make sure you were all awake. Your first number is three and four, thirty-four.”

I didn’t get a sniff at either the one line or two lines, but then I seemed to hit a streak, marking off one number after another. Before I knew it, I needed only one number for the full-house: Number seventy-two.

“Seven and two, seventy-two.”

“House!” I yelled at the top of my voice.

I was far more excited than I had a right to be, but then I’d never won at bingo before.

“It seems we have two lucky winners,” the caller confirmed.

“What did I win?” I asked the little old man.

“I’m not sure. Sheila will come over to see you.”

Sure enough, a couple of minutes later, the woman who had served me earlier came to my table. She had a cup and saucer in her hand.

“Congratulations,” she said.

“Thanks.”

“There were two winners.”

“Yeah, so I understand.”

“Which would you prefer?” She held out the cup and saucer.

“Sorry?”

“The prize is this cup and saucer, but as there were two winners, one of you can have the cup and the other will have the saucer. As this is your first win, I thought you should have first choice. Which is it to be?”

“I want the cup!” someone shouted from the other side of the café.

“Is that the other winner?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s Margaret. She’s won lots of times that’s why I gave you the first choice.”

“It’s okay, you can let her have the cup. I’ll take the saucer.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

Chapter 14

Jules was on the phone, so I went straight through to my office where Winky was sitting on the sofa, shivering.

“Can you shut these windows? I’m freezing to death over here.”

“How many times do I have to remind you that you’re already dead?”

“Doesn’t stop me getting cold.”

The awful smell had disappeared, and he was right, it was quite chilly in there, so I closed the windows.

“About time too,” he said. “I thought you were never coming back.”

“I’m here now and I have a surprise for you.”

“I don’t like surprises.”

“You’ll like this one. I’ve got you a present.”

“What is it?”

“Close your eyes and put your paws out.”

“Is this one of your stupid tricks?”

“Do you want your present or not?”

“Okay.” He closed his eyes.

I took the saucer from my bag and placed it on his outstretched paws.

“You can look now.”

“A saucer?”

“The one you have for your milk is looking a bit the worse for wear, so I thought you’d appreciate a new one. Do you like it?”

He flipped it over. “Why does it say Bingo on it?”

“Err, that’s the manufacturer’s name. They make top of the range crockery.”

“And you bought a single saucer?”

“Do you like it or not? If you don’t, I can take it back.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Thanks.”

I’d just poured some milk into his new saucer when Jules came through to my office.

“Jill, you really do need to seek help with this. It isn’t natural. How long is it now since Winky died?

“It isn’t what you think.”

“You’ve just poured milk into that saucer.”

“That’s true, but it isn’t for Winky. That would be crazy.”

“Who is it for, then?”

“It’s for—err—Slinky.”

“Slinky? Who’s Slinky?”

“I thought I’d told you about him.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“The other morning, when I stepped out of the lift, there was a ginger cat walking down the corridor.”

“On the ninth floor? How did it get up here?”

“I’ve no idea, but when it saw me, it came running over, and began to rub against my leg. The poor little thing was starving, so I brought it into the office and gave it something to eat and drink.”

“Is it really called Slinky?”

“That’s what its name tag said.”

“I didn’t think we were allowed to have animals in this building.”

“We’re not, but I couldn’t see it go hungry, could I?”

“Where is it now? How come I haven’t seen it?”

“Maybe it’s found its way back to its owner.”

“So how come you’re pouring milk into that saucer?”

“Just in case it happens to come back.”

I’m not sure Jules was buying my BS, but she let it go. “I managed to track down that woman you asked about.”

“Myrtle? Excellent. Where is she living now?”

“I’m afraid I have bad news, Jill. Myrtle Turtle died two years ago.”

“No.” I dropped down onto the sofa. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m really sorry. Were you close?”

“Not close, exactly, but I was fond of her. Do you know how she died?”

“According to the newspaper reports, which I managed to find, she took her own life.”

“Suicide? Myrtle? I don’t believe it.”

“I printed out a couple of the articles if you’d like to see them.”

“Yes, please.”

She handed me the printouts and then left my office.

“I thought she was never going to leave.” Winky began to lap his milk. “Slinky? How do you come up with this rubbish?”

“Be quiet. I need to read this.”

The articles were taken from two different local newspapers in the Lytham area. They both reported more or less the same thing: A woman had been found dead in her car in her garage. She had died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Myrtle Turtle had been one of the toughest women I’d ever had the pleasure of knowing. I simply couldn’t believe she would ever take her own life. Something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t help but think that it might be somehow connected to the strange entries I’d found in her diary.

***

Jack and I had just finished dinner during which I’d told him about Myrtle Turtle. He was every bit as shocked as I was.

“Myrtle just didn’t seem the type to take her own life,” he said.

“She isn’t. Wasn’t. There’s no way she would ever have done that.”

“I take it you think she was murdered.”

“Yeah, and I think it might be connected to those entries I saw in her diary.”

“You can’t possibly know that. And besides, there were several years between those diary entries and her death. Anyway, there’s nothing you can do now after all this time.”

“Says who?”

“You’re not going to let this lie, are you?”

“Why would I? If someone murdered Myrtle, they have to be brought to justice.”

“And how do you intend to do that?”

“I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

“By the way, I came across a weird little café yesterday.”

“Every café you frequent is a bit weird. I don’t know how you manage to find them. What’s unusual about this one?”

“It’s called Bingo. Guess why.”

“Because it’s owned by Mr Bingo?”

“No, it’s because they hold bingo games throughout the day.”

“Bingo? In a café?”

“It’s not cash bingo. They just play for small prizes. And guess who won.”

“You?”

“Yeah, I got a full house and won a saucer.”

“A saucer? What kind of prize is that?”

“Actually, the prize was a cup and saucer, but I had to share it with another winner.”

“And you chose the saucer?”

“It’s a really nice saucer.”

He rolled his eyes. “Let’s see it, then.”

“I gave it to Winky.”

“Why?”

“For his milk, obviously. His old saucer was looking the worse for wear.”

“I still don’t understand why your dead cat needs to drink milk.” He hesitated. “And I don’t believe I just said that sentence.”

“I’ve decided that I’m going to let you do the washing up tonight,” I said.

“That’s awfully generous of you.”

“No need to thank me. I’m going to veg out on the sofa and watch some mindless TV.”

“You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?” He grinned.

“Forgotten what?”

“About your magical date with Mr Flatley.”

“Oh no!”

Jack made a show of checking his watch. “You’d better look sharp. He’ll be expecting you in ten minutes.”

“I just can’t.”

“You were the one who agreed to let him help you.”

“It was a moment of weakness. Maybe, if I don’t turn up, he’ll forget all about it.”

“Somehow, I doubt it. My guess is he’ll come looking for you.”

“You can tell him that I had to work late.”

“No chance. I’m not getting involved.”

“If you loved—”

“We’ve already established that emotional blackmail is a waste of time, and besides you were the one who said it might make it easier for you on the day of the church fete.”

“I suppose I have to go, don’t I?”

“Looks like it.”

“Okay, but you have to promise me that if I’m not back in a couple of hours, you’ll call me.”

“And say what?”

“You don’t need to say anything. I’ll pretend you’ve called with some kind of family emergency. Okay?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you dare forget.”

“You can rely on me.”

If I’d had to make a list of things I didn’t want to do, spending the evening with Flathead would definitely have been in the top ten. Top five even. And so it was that, with a heavy heart, I dragged myself across the village to Flathead’s house.

“Watch where you’re going,” Grandma snapped.

I hadn’t seen her until I almost ran into her.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

“Then you should try opening your eyes. Anyway, I don’t have time to stand around talking. I have jam to make.”

“Since when did you make your own jam?”

“Since I entered the jam making competition at the church fete. Where are you going, anyway?”

“To Mr Flatley’s house.”

“That man is a prize idiot.”

“No arguments from me there.”

“So, why are you going to see him?”

“He’s a bit of an amateur magician, apparently. He’s going to give me some magic tips for the show at the church fete.”

“That might just be the funniest thing I’ve heard all year.” She cackled.

“What’s so funny?”

“The most powerful witch in the world is taking magic tips from the village idiot.” She held onto her sides. “Sorry, but it’s too much. I’ll have to go and lie down.”

I was fuming, but as she walked away, an idea popped into my head. Nay, a revelation. There might just be a way I could turn this to my advantage.

Mr Flatley answered the door, wearing a black top hat, a black and red waistcoat and a long black coat. To finish off the outfit, he had a pair of white gloves. To give him his due, he certainly looked like a magician.

“I thought you weren’t coming,” he said.

“Sorry, I bumped into my grandmother on the way over here.”

“Come in. Come in. We don’t want to waste any more time.”

He led the way into a room at the back of the house. It was devoid of all furniture except for a white table that was covered with all manner of magician’s props. In one corner of the room was a large, rectangular box with a saw resting on top of it. Just seeing it brought me out in a cold sweat as it reminded me of the time Winky had ‘sawn’ me in half. In the opposite corner was something equally disturbing: a mini guillotine.

“That’s Juliette,” Flathead gestured towards the guillotine. “I picked it up cheaply from a magician who had decided to retire. Would you like me to give you a demonstration?”

“No, thanks. I’m good. When you offered to give me some advice, I had no idea that you were so invested in magic.”

“Oh yes. That and topiary are my two passions. That’s why I was so disappointed when I learned the vicar had asked you to put on the magic show. No disrespect, but what do you know about magic?”

More than you might think.

He looked me up and down. “I trust that you won’t dress like that on the day.”

“What’s wrong with my outfit?”

“What’s right with it? Being a magician is about more than just the magic.”

“It is?”

“Absolutely. You also have to look the part,” he said, as he ran his hands up and down his outfit. “Now, why don’t we start with some simple tricks?”

“I’m not going near that guillotine. Or the cabinet.”

“Those illusions aren’t appropriate for the church fete. From what I understand, you’ll be performing outside in the vicarage garden, so it will be all about close-up magic.”

That was a relief at least.

“Card tricks? That sort of thing?”

“Possibly, but I was thinking of something that would appeal to the kiddies.”

“That makes sense. What did you have in mind?”

“Rabbits.”

“Rabbits?”

“Well, one rabbit to be precise. Give me a minute, would you?”

He disappeared out of the door and returned a few minutes later, carrying a cage with a white rabbit in it.

“This is Snowy,” Flathead said.

“My name is Charlie.” The rabbit sighed. “Oh, and by the way, this guy is an idiot.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Sorry?” Flathead gave me a puzzled look.

“Nothing. I just sneezed.”

“I thought I would show you how to do the rabbit in the hat trick.”

“Okay, sure,” I said.

“I’ll need you to leave the room for a couple of minutes while I prepare. Don’t come back in until I call you.”

“Okay.” I stepped out of the room and waited.

“Right. You can come back in now,” Flathead called.

When I walked back into the room, I noticed that Charlie was no longer in the cage. Flathead had cleared a small area on the table onto which he placed his top hat.

“Are you watching closely?”

“Yeah.”

He picked up the hat and swivelled it towards me so that I could see inside it.

“The hat is empty. Yes?”

I nodded.

He put the hat back onto the table, and then placed his right hand inside and pulled out the rabbit.

“Ta dah!” He took a bow. “Now you try.”

“How?”

“It’s quite simple.” He took off his coat and held it out. “See these pouches inside the sleeves? That’s where Snowy will be.”

“Charlie,” the rabbit chimed in.

“Put it on.”

I took the coat from him and slipped it on. Needless to say, it was several sizes too big.

“What now?” I said.

“We’ll put Snowy into one of the pouches.”

“I hate it in there,” Charlie protested.

Oblivious to the rabbit’s complaints, Flathead placed it into the pouch.

“Right, now when you put your hand into the top hat, you allow the rabbit to slide out of the pouch, and down your sleeve into the hat. It’s all quite simple. Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

“Okay. Go.”

I was about to put my hand into the hat when Flathead put up his hand to stop me. “Show them the empty hat first.”

I picked up the hat and showed it to the non-existent audience.

“Okay, put it back on the table.”

I did as he said.

“Now produce the rabbit.”

I put my hand into the hat, but deliberately kept my arm at such an angle that I knew it would prevent the rabbit from sliding out of the pouch and down my sleeve.

“It’s not working,” I said.

“Straighten your arm.”

I repositioned my arm a little, but not enough to allow the rabbit to slide out of the pouch.

“It’s still not working.”

“Your arm needs to be straight.” He was losing patience now.

This time, I straightened my arm, but when the rabbit slid down my sleeve, I moved my arm away from the hat, so that it landed on the table.

“You’re hopeless.” Flathead sighed. “We’ll have to try something else.”

Chapter 15

“How many times do I have to apologise?” Jack said, as we ate breakfast the next morning.

“At least another twenty.”

“I explained what happened. I fell asleep.”

“Do you know how long I was at Flathead’s last night?”

“I should do. You’ve already told me a thousand times.”

“Four hours. That’s how long. Although, it felt more like four years.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“You could massage my feet every night for a month.”

“Not a chance. I’ll buy you a box of chocolates.”

“It had better be a big one.”

“Did he help you, though? I would have asked last night, but I was afraid you might bite my head off.”

“I hope so.”

“Don’t you know?”

“If everything goes to plan, I might not have to do the magic show after all.”

“How come?”

“I deliberately messed up every trick he showed me. By the time I left there, he was practically pulling his hair out.”

“I don’t understand. How is that going to get you out of doing the show?”

“I’m pretty sure that, after last night’s performance, Flathead will go and see the vicar, to tell him that I’m useless at magic. Hopefully, he’ll be able to persuade him to pull me out of the fete.”

***

“Good morning, Jill.”

“Good morning, Jules. Could you get me a cup of tea, please.”

“Sure, but before I do, there’s something I wanted to give you.” She put her bag onto the desk. “I hope you won’t be mad.”

She handed me a book titled: “How to stop grieving the loss of your pet and find happiness again.”

“Wow!”

“I know you keep saying that you’re over Winky’s death, but your actions suggest otherwise. I thought this might help. I’ll go and make that tea.”

“What’s that you’ve got there?” Winky said.

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like a book, but that can’t be right because you’ve never read anything longer than a gossip magazine in your life.”

“I never read gossip magazines.”

“Sorry, my mistake. I should have said you just looked at the photos. Let me see what you’ve got.”

Before I could stop him, he’d taken the book from me.

“How to stop grieving over your pet and find happiness again.” He laughed. “I had no idea you were still grieving over me.”

“I’m not. Jules bought it for me because she saw me pouring out the milk for you.”

“That’s priceless.”

“We’ve got to do something about this, otherwise people will start to think I’ve lost my marbles.”

“That boat sailed a long time ago.”

“Can’t you get your food and drink in GT?”

“Who’s going to feed me there?”

“I don’t know. Surely, someone will take pity and adopt you.”

“It sounds like you’re trying to get rid of me.” He pouted.

“No, I’m not. I just can’t keep putting out food and milk for my cat that died years ago.”

“So, you don’t want me to move out, then?”

So very tempting.

“Of course not. I just need you to find somewhere else to get your food and milk.”

“I suppose there is a way.”

“I knew you’d come up with something.”

“I guess I could call in at KittyMeow a couple of times a day.”

“KittyMeow? What’s that?”

“It’s a café in GT that serves felines.”

“That sounds ideal.”

“There’s just one small problem.”

“What’s that?”

“Who’s going to pay?”

“You.”

“Why should I have to pay? You’re the one who is kicking me out.”

“I’m not kicking you out.”

“No, but you’re happy to see me starve.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll give you an allowance for your food and drink.”

“How much?”

“To be determined.”

Just then, I got a call from one of the surveillance bees.

“Jill, it’s Honey, is this a bad time? If so, I can call back later.”

“No, it’s fine. What have you got for me?”

“Actually, it might be better if we speak face to face. Is that possible?”

“Sure. Where?”

“We’re actually just around the corner. If you could open one of your windows, we can be with you in a couple of minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll see you shortly.”

I walked over to one of the windows and cracked it open.

“Hey, I told you I’m cold,” Winky said.

“It’s only for a few minutes so the surveillance bees can get in.”

“Surveillance bees?” He rolled his eyes.

“Drink your milk and be quiet.”

A couple of minutes later, Honey and Buzz came through the open window and landed on my desk.

“That milk seems to be evaporating.” Buzz was staring at the saucer.

“Don’t worry about that. It’s just Winky. My dead cat.”

“Edna warned us that you were a little peculiar.” He grinned.

“Do you have an update for me about John Longflower?”

“Yeah.” Honey nodded. “But I’m not sure if any of it will help.”

“Run it by me.”

“Okay. Let’s start with Saturday. He went grocery shopping with his wife in the morning, and they ended up having an argument.”

“Do you know what it was about?”

“She was annoyed with him because he kept picking out the wrong items.”

“How do you mean wrong?”

“Well, for example, he picked up a packet of Shredded Wheat, and his wife asked him why he’d got that when neither of them liked it. He muttered something and then put it back on the shelf. Then he picked up a bottle of full cream milk and she nearly lost her mind.”

“Over a bottle of milk?”

“Apparently, she can’t tolerate full cream milk. They only ever buy skimmed. There were one or two other items too. Do you want me to run through all of them?”

“There’s no need; I get the picture. What do you think was going on? Could he have been trying to deliberately wind her up?”

“I don’t think so,” Buzz said. “He seemed to be genuinely upset about it.”

“Anything else?”

“Nothing much happened on Sunday morning, but after lunch his wife went to visit her mother.”

“Alone?”

“Yes, I got the impression that was something she did every week.”

“Okay?”

“About half an hour after she’d left, a car with two men in it pulled up outside the Longflower’s house. Neither of them got out, but the driver beeped his horn. They were both staring at the house, as though they were expecting someone to appear, but John was watching TV. After beeping the horn a couple more times, the guy in the passenger seat got out of the car and went and knocked on the door.”

“Any idea who they were?”

“Yeah, we overheard them talking. They were two friends of John’s called Rod and Todd.”

“His bowling buddies.”

“You knew about them?”

“John’s wife told me that he played bowls with them.”

“It seems that they had a match that afternoon. They’d come to pick John up, but he appeared to have forgotten all about it. Todd, that’s the guy who went to the door, wasn’t impressed.”

“What happened?”

“They had to wait until John got changed and grabbed his bowling gear. They only just made it to the match on time.”

“Interesting.”

“That’s not all. Apparently, the match was a clash between the top two teams in the local league. John’s team were expected to win but they ended up losing.”

“I take it you overheard all of this?”

“Yeah, and no prizes for guessing who let the side down.”

“John Longflower.”

“Got it in one. He was terrible. I could have played better.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Honey chipped in with a grin. “It was almost as though he’d never played the game. It was embarrassing.”

“What did his teammates have to say?”

“They weren’t happy. In fact, I overheard one of them whisper that he thought John had deliberately thrown the match.”

“Do you think that’s what happened?”

“I don’t think anyone could have played that badly deliberately.”

“This all fits in with what his wife has been saying. I thought he might be cheating. Did you see anything like that?”

“No, and to be honest, he doesn’t really seem the type.”

“They never do until they are.”

“True, anyway that’s all we have for now. We wanted to report back to you before we continued. Do you want us to keep tabs on him at his workplace or do you have enough already?”

“You’ve certainly given me plenty to be going on with, but I’d still like you to follow him for a bit longer. I’m particularly interested in how he is at work.”

“Cool,” Buzz said. “We’ll stick with him for another couple of days and then report back again.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“You haven’t forgotten what you promised us, have you, Jill? About trying to find a way to reverse this awful spell.”

“Of course not,” I lied. “I’m on it.”

“Great. We knew we could rely on you.”

When Edna had told me she’d retired, I feared I might not find anyone to take her place, but Buzz and Honey were proving to be every bit as efficient. I was worried that I might not be able to uphold my part of the bargain and be able to change them back into fairies. Although I’d told them that I had it all in hand, I didn’t actually have a clue how to help them. I took out my phone and brought up the spell book app, but I didn’t hold out much hope of finding an answer. An hour later, my fears were confirmed because, unsurprisingly, there was no mention of spells related to changing fairies into bees.

Jules came through to my office to collect my cup.

“I hope you aren’t mad at me about the book,” she said rather sheepishly.

“Of course not. It was a nice thought, and you’re right. I guess I’ve been in denial about Winky.”

“I’m sure that book will help.”

“It already has.”

“You’ve been reading it already?”

“I just glanced at the main points,” I lied. “And you’ll be pleased to know there’ll be no more milk bowls in the office.”

“That’s great, Jill. I really was starting to worry about you.”

“There’s no need. I’m fine. I promise. Now, while you’re here, I’d like to give you another job to do.”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“It’s related to the thing you did for me yesterday.”

“Mrs Turtle?”

“That’s right. When I knew Myrtle, she had two very close friends called Hodd and Jobbs.”

“Odd jobs?”

“They’re actually spelled H-O-D-D and J-O-B-B-S. I’d like you to see if you can track either of them down.”

“Any idea where I should start?”

“I’m hoping that they stayed in touch with Myrtle, in which case they may have attended her funeral.”

“Do you know their first names?”

“I did. Let me think. Constance, I think.”

“Which one?”

“Jobbs. And Hodd was called—it’s on the tip of my tongue. Amelia, maybe, but I’m not sure.”

“Okay. And if I track either of them down?”

“Just let me know.”

“I’ll get straight onto it.”

Chapter 16

“Hey, Winky, how’s that friend of yours doing with my bracelet?” I said.

“Okay, I imagine.”

“You imagine? I need it for this Friday.”

“It’s only Tuesday.”

“Don’t you think you ought to check in with him, just to make sure it’s going to be finished on time?”

“Diamond Don doesn’t appreciate people checking up on him. If he says something will be done on a particular date, it will be.”

“Even so, I’d feel a lot happier if you just doublecheck with him. If there’s a problem, I’d like to know in time for me to do something about it.”

“Okay, but it’s a waste of time. Don is Mr Reliable.”

***

According to Candy, Jude Rockmore was Randy’s best friend in the sup world. So far, I’d drawn a blank in trying to track down Randy, and I was hoping that Jude might be able to give me more leads I could follow up on. First, though, I needed a coffee and a small snack, so I magicked myself to Cuppy C where both of the twins were behind the counter.

“Hey, Jill,” Pearl said. “Have you chosen your song yet?”

“Sorry?”

“You haven’t forgotten that it’s our first karaoke night tomorrow, have you?”

I had.

“Of course not.”

“And you are coming, aren’t you?”

“I’ll try.”

“You have to come, Jill,” Amber said. “It’s going to be amazeballs.”

“We’re going to do a duet,” Pearl chipped in.

I’d heard the twins sing before, and neither of them could hold a note. The thought of them doing a duet was horrifying.

“That’ll be great. I’ll look forward to it.”

“So, what are you going to sing, Jill?”

“I’m not telling you. It’ll be a surprise on the night.”

To me too.

“What can we get you?”

“I think I’ll go wild and have something different today. Can I get a cappuccino?”

“Chocolate sprinkles?”

“Of course. And what are those?” I pointed to a tray of small buns.

“Those are new. They’re called blueberry surprise.”

“Blueberries? Sign me up. I’ll have one. No. Wait. They’re tiny, so you’d better give me two.”

“Coming up.”

“Hey, girls, I was in a café in the human world yesterday, and they had a great way of bringing in the customers.”

“Tell us,” Pearl said. “We’re always open to new ideas.”

“Bingo.”

“Bingo?”

“Yeah. That was the name of the café. They run prize bingo games throughout the day. It seemed to be very popular.”

“That’s weird,” Amber said. “What kind of prizes were they giving out?”

“I won a saucer.”

“A saucer?” Pearl scoffed. “That’s a rubbish prize.”

“It should have been a cup and saucer, but there were two winners, so I chose the saucer.”

“Why didn’t you choose the cup?”

“Never mind that. Do you think it might work for Cuppy C?”

“I’m not sure,” Pearl said. “If we did give it a try, though, we’d have to offer better prizes than a cup and saucer.”

“Fair enough.” I bit into one of the buns. “I thought you said these were blueberry?”

“They are.”

“There are no blueberries in this one.” I held out the remaining half bun.

“Yes, there are.” Amber took it from me and tore it apart. “There, see.”

“It’s the only one in there.”

“Haven’t you heard, Jill, there’s a widespread shortage of blueberries?”

“Daze mentioned it to me, but that doesn’t alter the fact that you’re selling these under false pretences.” I pushed the plate with the second bun back to them. “I’d like something else instead.”

“What do you want?”

“Give me one of those angel cakes.”

“Before we do, we should warn you there are no angels in them.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“Hey, Jill, did you hear about Lester?” Pearl said, as she handed me an angel cake.

“Aunt Lucy said he was looking for a job.”

“He’s found one.”

“That’s great.”

“Not really.”

“Why not?”

“It was Grandma who gave him a job.”

“Grandma? I thought she’d given up all her businesses. What kind of job is it?”

“Do you remember when you had to do something really horrible to repay a favour to Grandma?” Amber said.

“She hasn’t got Lester treating her bunions, has she?”

“Much worse than that.”

“What could be worse?”

“Can you remember the candles she had you helping to make?”

A shiver ran down my spine as I recalled that particularly dark day.

“You’re talking about the ear wax candles, aren’t you? She’s not got Lester making those, has she?”

“Not making them. Even worse than that,” Pearl said.

“What could be worse than that?”

“She’s got him visiting people’s houses to collect the ear wax.”

“Gross.”

“She has an advert in the Candle.” Pearl reached underneath the counter, brought out a copy of the newspaper, and handed it to me. “Page sixteen.”

I flicked to the page and spotted the advert immediately.

“Free ear wax removal. We will visit you at your home.”

“According to Mum, there’s been an amazing response to the ad, so Lester is having to work flat out to keep up with all the requests.”

“What does Aunt Lucy make of this?”

“She’s not very impressed. She practically begged Lester not to take the job, but he’s fed up with being at home, and he was willing to take anything.”

“Grandma must have known that and taken advantage of him,” I said. “Typical. I bet she’s paying him a pittance too. Poor Lester.”

***

Long after I’d left Cuppy C, I still couldn’t get the image of Lester, collecting ear wax, out of my head. If there was a worse job, I couldn’t think what it could be. When I’d made contact with Jude Rockmore, he’d readily agreed to talk to me. He’d asked if I’d mind meeting him at his place of work. He was the owner of Bottled-It, a small drinks company based on the Candle Industrial Estate. I knew nothing about the company except, according to the sign outside their premises, they supplied soft drinks to the trade.

At first glance, the reception appeared to be deserted, but then I heard a voice coming from behind the concave desk.

“Hello?” I called out.

“Just a—ouch!” A female werewolf popped up from behind the desk. “Sorry, I’ve dropped one of my contact lenses.”

“I can wait until you’ve found it.”

“That’s okay.” She took her seat but kept one eye closed. “It could take hours on this carpet. I wish they’d bought a plain one; I might actually be able to see it then. Anyway, how can I help you today?”

“I have an appointment with Jude Rockmore.”

“You’re Jill Maxwell?”

“That’s right.”

“I’m so sorry. I would have recognised you if I’d had both contact lenses in. I’m a big fan—”

“Thanks. That’s nice of you to—”

“Of your tortoise, Rhymes.”

“Right.”

“Will he be publishing more poetry soon?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Such a talent.” She put her bag onto the desktop. “Because Jude told me you were coming in today, I took the liberty of bringing this with me.” She took out a copy of Rhymes’ book. “I don’t suppose you could ask him to sign it for me, could you?”

“I—err—sure.” I took the book from her.

“Thank you so much.”

“No problem.”

“If you could get him to make it out to Ruby-Anne, that would be great.”

“Right. Do you think Jude might be available?”

“I’ll try him now.” She picked up the phone on her desk and pressed a couple of buttons. “Jude, I have Jill Maxwell here. Oh? Okay. Sure.” She hung up and said to me, “He’s dealing with an issue on the main bottling line. He’s asked me to take you through to his office; he should be with you in about ten minutes. Is that okay?”

“Of course.”

“Great.” She opened the cupboard behind her and took out two yellow hard hats. She put one on and handed the other to me. “Sorry, they aren’t very flattering, but it’s Health and Safety.”

“No problem.”

The hat was at least a couple of sizes too big, and it kept slipping down over my eyes, as I followed her into the factory. The noise inside was incredible. Empty bottles, hanging by their necks, were conveyed above our heads from one side of the building to the other. Travelling in the opposite direction were bottles filled with coloured liquids.

“What kind of drinks do you make here?” I said.

“Pardon?” Ruby-Anne cupped her ear.

I shouted, “What kind of drinks do you make?”

“All kinds of soft drinks. Still and fizzy.”

She showed me into a small office located midway down one side of the factory.

“Sorry about the noise out there. Will you be okay here until Jude comes, only I shouldn’t really leave the reception unattended.”

“I’ll be fine. Go and look for your contact lens.”

“Thanks again for agreeing to get my book signed.”

“No problem. I’ll drop it back to you as soon as I can.”

Even with the door closed, the noise from the shop floor was still very loud. On one wall of the office was a noticeboard. Pinned to it, was an internal memo headed ‘One Millionth Bottle’. It celebrated the fact that, a month earlier, the factory had shipped its millionth bottle.

“Not bad, eh?”

A wizard was standing in the doorway.

“Sorry, I was just—”

“That’s okay. We’re very proud of that. I’m Jude.” He offered his hand. “Sorry to keep you waiting. We had a bit of a blip on one of the lines.”

“Everything okay now?”

“Yeah, all good. Can I get you anything to drink? I can offer you tea, coffee or any of our drinks.” He pointed to a poster that showed all the different flavoured drinks that they produced.

“Orange would be nice.”

He walked over to the corner of the room and opened the fridge. “Still or fizzy?”

“Fizzy please.”

He handed me the bottle. “I don’t have any glasses in here, but I can ask Ruby-Anne to bring one over.”

“Don’t bother. I can drink it from the bottle.” I took a sip. “Nice.”

“Grab a seat. I take it that there’s still no word on Randy?”

“I’m afraid not. He seems to have vanished into thin air.”

“How are his family?”

“Beside themselves with worry, as you might expect. They told me that you and he were best friends.”

“Yeah, ever since we were kids. He’s actually an investor in this business.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he owns about ten per cent; it was some money he’d inherited from his grandfather.”

“How often do you see one another?”

“At least once a month, I suppose. It used to be more often.”

“What changed?”

“Life, I guess. I tend to work long hours, and Randy moved to the human world. Plus, he has a girlfriend now.”

“He broke up with Keeley the same day as he disappeared.”

“I didn’t know that, but then it’s been a while since I saw him.”

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“It must be four or five weeks ago. Maybe more.”

“Was he still working at the shoe shop then?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he say anything that made you think he might be feeling stressed?”

“Randy was always stressed about one thing or another. That’s just him.”

“What kind of thing?”

“His job. Keeley.”

“What about Keeley?”

“He was paranoid she was going to dump him.”

“That’s weird because he was the one who broke up with her.”

“Then there were the fangs of course.”

“What about them?”

“He wasn’t very good at hiding them. He was terrified someone might see them and realise—” He hesitated. “Do you think that’s what happened?”

“It’s possible, I guess, but I doubt it.” I finished off the orange. “That’s really nice.”

“Thanks. You’re welcome to take a couple of bottles with you if you like.”

“No, it’s okay. You seem very busy out there.”

“We are. The orders are through the roof.”

“Does the factory run twenty-four seven?”

“No, we have to do maintenance in the evening, to keep the lines running smoothly. The factory closes at seven every night.”

“Do you supply drinks to the human world?”

“No, we don’t have a licence. They’re notoriously difficult to get. I should know, I’ve tried enough times.”

“Okay, well thanks for your time. If you hear from Randy, or if you think of anything that might help, please give me a call.” I handed him my card.

“Will do. I’ll show you out.”

***

When Jack arrived home, he had that stupid expression on his face; the one when he thinks he’s done something really clever, but which usually turns out to be a disaster.

“What have you done now?” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve done something. I can tell by the look on your face. And why are you standing like that? What have you got behind your back?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I hate surprises.”

“You’ll like this one, I promise.”

“Show me, then.”

“Wait here and don’t come through to the lounge until I call you.”

“What have you done, Jack?”

“I bought something to cheer up the room like we discussed.”

“We agreed that we’d choose it together.”

“I know, but I saw these and I knew you’d love them.”

“Them? How many have you bought?”

“Stay here until I call you.” He disappeared into the lounge, and moments later called for me to go through.

“No!” I screamed. “Get those out of here.”

Clearly taken aback by my extreme reaction, Jack didn’t speak for the longest moment, but then managed to say, “What’s wrong with them? They’re not tacky and they certainly weren’t cheap. I thought you’d like them.”

“Did you buy them from Grandma?”

“Your grandmother? Why would she be selling candles?”

I grabbed him by the arm and led the way back into the kitchen where I told him what the twins had told me about Lester’s new job.

“Collecting ear wax?” Jack looked as though he might throw up. “That’s gross.”

“No kidding. Poor guy.”

“He surely can’t be that desperate for a job.”

“Apparently, he was.”

Jack turned around and headed out of the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” I called after him.

“I’m going to bin those candles.”

“I thought you liked them.”

“I did but there’s no way I can sit and look at them now. Not after what you’ve just told me.”

Chapter 17

“You look shocking,” I said to Jack, as he stared at his muesli.

“I didn’t get much sleep. Thanks to you, I had nightmares about a monster made of ear wax. He was chasing me all around the village.”

“Hey, don’t blame me. If you hadn’t brought those candles home, I would never have told you about Grandma’s new business venture.”

“Rubbish. You would have told me anyway.”

“You’re right. I would have. I figure if I have to endure that horrific image in my mind, you should too.”

“Let’s change the subject.” He pushed the bowl of muesli away. “Otherwise, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to eat again.”

“What would you like to talk about instead?”

“Balls.”

“Sorry?”

“Are you sure we should get golf balls for Peter for their anniversary? It’s not much of a present.”

“It was Kathy who suggested it.”

“Speaking of Kathy, what’s happening with that bracelet? Has your dead cat’s dead friend come up with the goods?”

“Not yet. Winky is confident that he’ll deliver on time, but I told him to double-check, just in case.”

***

“What do you mean it’s not happening?” I screamed at Winky. “You assured me that this friend of yours was one hundred per cent reliable.”

“He was when he was alive, but he seems to have dropped the ball since he died.”

“So, what’s the story?”

“He’s gone on a cruise.”

“When does he come back?”

“Not for a couple of months.”

“What about the bracelet?”

“I went over to his place and, when he wasn’t there, I gave him a call. He was full of apologies and said he’d forgotten all about it.”

“Great. What about the money I gave you?”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got that. Most of it, anyway.”

“What do you mean most of it?”

“I’ve got it all apart from the twenty-five per cent commission.”

“Whose commission?”

“Mine.”

“You took a commission?”

“Don insisted I did.”

“Well, I want it back. All of it. Including your commission.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve spent it. Sorry.”

“You will be. What am I going to do about Kathy’s bracelet? The party is on Saturday.”

“You should tell her that you didn’t buy it because you thought she was being selfish. You do, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do. Incredibly. But I’ve already told her I’m going to get her the bracelet.”

Jules had been on the phone when I arrived, but now she came through to my office with something of a spring in her step.

“Good morning, Jill.”

“Morning.”

“Have you had a chance to read it yet?”

“Read what?”

“The book I gave you about grieving over a pet.”

“Ah, right. Yes, I made a start on it.”

“What do you think? Might it help you to move on?”

“I’m sure it will.” I glanced over at Winky who was sticking his tongue out at me.

“Would you like a drink, Jill?”

“No, thanks. Not right now.”

I’d turned down a drink because I wanted to pay Aunt Lucy a visit, but first I gave her a call.

“Aunt Lucy, would it be okay if I popped over?”

“Of course. When?”

“Now, if possible.”

“I’ll put the kettle on.”

I found her in the kitchen.

“Something smells nice,” I said.

“I’ve been baking.”

“Hmm, yummy.”

“They aren’t ready to eat yet.”

“Aww.”

“The cupcakes I made yesterday are in the cupboard. Help yourself to those.”

A very dangerous thing to say to me.

“I’ll just have this one. And this one. And—”

“Two is plenty, Jill.”

Duly reprimanded, I took my cupcakes and tea through to the lounge.

“What’s in that?” I pointed to a cardboard box on the table.

“Don’t ask. I assume you’ve heard about Lester’s new job?”

“Yeah, the twins told me. I couldn’t believe it. What possessed him to take it?”

“It’s no good asking me. I tried everything I could think of to get him to turn it down, but he was determined to do it.”

“Still, after a couple of days, he’s bound to change his mind.”

“That’s what I hoped, but he seems to be really into it.”

“How can he be? Collecting ear wax.” I shuddered just at the thought of it.

“He insists he is providing a useful service.”

“To Grandma?”

“No. To the people who have an accumulation of ear wax. He reckons they’re always grateful after he’s washed it out.”

“Do the customers realise what happens to their ear wax?”

“No. Grandma made him sign a contract that stipulates he isn’t allowed to tell anyone.”

“It’s so gross.”

“You don’t need to tell me.” Aunt Lucy went over to the box. “Look.”

“What are those?”

“They’re the containers he stores the wax in.”

“Yuk. Do you mean these have—?”

“Goodness, no. These are empty. They arrived this morning.”

“There must be hundreds of them. Just how much wax can Grandma need?”

“A lot. Apparently, the candles are flying off the shelf.”

“Has she actually opened a shop?”

“No. From what I understand, she’s selling them online. Whatever that means.”

“It means she must be selling them in the human world.”

“I’ve always thought that humans are a strange bunch. If they’re willing to buy candles made of ear wax, that proves it. No offence intended.”

“None taken. You’re assuming that she’s telling people what the candles are made from. Somehow, I doubt that.”

“Can we change the subject, Jill? It’s bad enough having to listen to Lester, telling me about his work every evening.”

“Sure. Are you going to the karaoke tonight?”

“It’s not really my scene, but if it means I can get away from Lester and his ear wax stories, I think I might go. What about you? Will you be there?”

“I don’t have any choice. The twins have told me I have to be there to hear their duet.”

“Please tell me you’re joking. Those two are terrible singers; they always have been.”

“They seem to think they’re something special.”

“They always have been delusional.” Aunt Lucy rolled her eyes. “Anyway, how’s work?”

“I have a couple of cases on at the moment. Neither of them seems to be going anywhere.”

“You’ll figure them out. You usually do.”

“I hope so. I’ve got a couple of surveillance bees working for me on one of them.”

“Bees?”

“Actually, they’re fairies who were turned into bees. I’ve promised to pay them in-kind, by finding a way to change them back into fairies. The problem is that, so far, I haven’t been able to find a way to do that.”

“You’ve checked the spell book, I assume.”

“Yeah, nothing there. I’m not looking forward to telling them that I can’t uphold my end of the bargain.”

“You should speak to Winnie De Hoo.”

“Winnie who?”

“De Hoo?”

“Winnie De Hoo? Seriously?”

“Yes. Have you never come across Winnie before?”

“I don’t think so.”

“She’s sort of Candlefield’s unofficial historian.”

“How could she help?”

“Amongst other things, she maintains a record of every spell ever created in Candlefield.”

“But isn’t that just the same as the spell book?”

“No, because as spells fall out of favour or are withdrawn for other reasons, they’re removed from the spell book. Winnie has an archive of them all. It’s a longshot, but she might have something that would help.”

“It might be a longshot, but I don’t have any other bright ideas. How can I get hold of Winnie?”

“That might be the stumbling block. Winnie is something of a hermit. She’s rarely seen in public, and she can be very difficult to get hold of.”

“That doesn’t sound very promising.”

“Don’t give up yet. There is a way to get hold of her, but it will require you to pay a visit to the grumps.”

“The who?”

“Grumps. They live near Candlefield Lake.”

“And you say they’ll know how I can get hold of Winnie?”

“Better than that. They actually make appointments for her. If you leave a message with them, they might get back to you.”

“Might?”

“The grumps are a miserable, bolshy lot. They will only call you back if they feel like it. And they’ll only grant you an appointment if they like the look of you.”

“What kind of appointment service is that?”

“A terrible one, but it’s the only hope you have.”

“Right, I’ll just have to win them over with my charm.”

“Hmm. Good luck with that.” Aunt Lucy grinned.

“What? I can be charming when I want to be.”

“Of course you can. I’m sure you’ll win them over.”

“Oh, I nearly forgot.” I took out the book that Ruby-Anne had given to me. “Can I have a word with Rhymes?”

“You can try, but he’s rather antisocial these days.”

“Is something the matter with him?”

“He isn’t poorly if that’s what you mean. I took him to the vet last week for a check-up, and he got a clean bill of health.”

“Are Barry and Buddy giving him a hard time?”

“No, they pretty much leave him to his own devices. And besides, Rhymes can handle those two.”

“I’ll see if I can find out what the problem is.”

I headed upstairs and found two of the three amigos in the spare room.

“Jill!” Barry launched himself at me. “I didn’t know you were coming to see us. Have you brought us any treats?”

“Sorry, not today.”

“Never mind. It’s just nice to see you.”

“Thanks, Barry, that’s sweet of you to say.”

“Hey Buddy,” Barry called to the Chihuahua, who was curled up in the corner of the room. “Jill is here.”

“Big whoop!” Buddy yawned.

“Nice to see you too, Buddy.”

“Have you come to take us for a walk?” Barry said.

Buddy got in before I had the chance to respond, “Not me. I’ve already had a walk today.”

“I’m not here to take you for a walk.”

“Aww.” Barry pouted.

“Sorry, big guy, but I’m actually here to see Rhymes.” I glanced around. “Where is the little fellow?”

“In there.” Barry pointed to a cardboard box in the corner of the room.

“He’s not hibernating, is he?”

“No, I’m not.” Rhymes’ little voice came from inside the cardboard box, which was open on top.

I walked over to the box and found Rhymes looking up at me.

“Hello, little guy. What are you doing in there?”

“It’s the only way I can get any peace from those two.”

“Aunt Lucy says you’ve been out of sorts lately. Is anything the matter?”

“Not really. I’m just having difficulty getting the creative juices to flow.”

“Writer’s block?”

“Maybe. I didn’t used to believe there was such a thing, but I don’t seem to be able to write anything.”

“Maybe you’re trying too hard. Why don’t you take a break from writing for a while. Perhaps then, inspiration will hit you again.”

“You might be right, Jill. Great artists shouldn’t force it.”

“Great artists,” Buddy scoffed, but fortunately, Rhymes didn’t seem to hear him.

“The reason I came to see you was to ask if you’d sign this copy of your book.”

That seemed to lift his spirits, and he managed a tiny tortoise smile.

“Of course.” He grabbed a pen. “Shall I dedicate it to you?”

“Err, no, it’s not for me. It belongs to one of your fans who asked if I could get you to sign it for her. Can you make it out to Ruby-Anne?”

“My pleasure.” He scribbled the dedication, signed it and added a couple of kisses.

“Thanks, Rhymes.”

“No problem. And please tell her that I hope to have a new book of poetry out soon.”

“Can’t wait,” Buddy chipped in.

“I’d better get going.” On my way out, I stopped by Buddy and whispered, “You need to check your attitude, mister.”

Chapter 18

When I got back to the office, Jules wasn’t at her desk, but she had left me a note to say she’d just nipped out to pick up a sandwich for lunch. Winky was sitting on my desk staring at his reflection in the mirror he was holding.

“You’re so vain.”

“I still can’t get used to having two of them.”

“Eyes?”

“No. Noses. What do you think?”

“No need to be sarky. Two eyes suit you.”

“Yeah, but it’s just so ordinary. When I only had the one, it made me stand out.”

“Anyway, I’m still angry with you.”

“Why?”

“Because you let me down over the bracelet.”

“Can’t you use magic to create one?”

“I might have to, but it doesn’t seem right using magic for my sister’s silver wedding anniversary present.”

“If I could use magic, I’d never buy anything again.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Jules came through to my office and made Winky jump. In doing so, he dropped the mirror which fell onto the floor and smashed.

“What was that?” Jules looked horrified.

“Just a mirror.”

“But where did it come from?”

It was a good question because I was standing a good six feet away from my desk.

“I—err—propped it up on my desk. It must have fallen over.”

“Right?”

She looked unconvinced, so I changed the subject, “Did you have any luck tracking down those two women I asked you about?”

“I’ve found one of them, I think. Constance Jobbs. But no luck with Amelia Hodd.”

“That’s something. Where is she?”

“I don’t have an address, I’m afraid. I just found a newspaper article about her that I’ve printed out. Do you want to see it?”

“Yes, please.”

While she was out of the room, getting the printout, I turned to Winky, “When I’ve finished with Jules, you can clean that mess up.”

“Is that all you’re bothered about? I’ve just smashed a mirror. Don’t you realise what that means?”

“It means that I’m likely to cut my feet if you don’t clean it all up.”

“No, it means I’m going to have seven years bad luck.”

“You don’t want to believe that superstitious nonsense. Besides, you’re dead. What’s the worst that can happen to you?”

“Sorry?” Jules said.

“What?”

“I thought you said something.”

“No, I was just muttering to myself. Let me see that.” I took the printout from her. It was an article from the Blackpool Gazette, dated August the previous year. The headline read ‘Mayhem at the Water Tavern – Two arrested’. It was about a disagreement over a packet of crisps that had descended into a brawl, which in turn had resulted in a man and woman being charged with affray. The woman’s name was reported as being C. Jobbs.

“Do you think it might be the woman you’re looking for?” Jules said.

“Possibly. It sounds like something she might do. Wasn’t there a photograph with the article?”

“No.”

“Okay, well it’s a promising start. Let’s assume it’s her and that she was living in Blackpool last year.”

“What if she was just visiting the town?” Jules said. “Blackpool is a popular holiday resort.”

“That’s true, but for now, let’s work on the basis that she might be living there. Can you see if you can find an address for her?”

“I’ll give it a go.”

“Thanks, Jules.”

“Do you want me to clear up that glass?”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll see to it.”

“Why didn’t you let her clear it up?” Winky said after she’d left the room.

“Because that’s your job. And make sure you get every last piece.”

“What did your last slave die of?”

Winky was still clearing up the glass, and moaning about it, when I got a call from Buzz.

“Are you free at the moment, Jill?”

“Sure.”

“Great. If you can open one of your windows, we’ll pop in and give you an update.”

“Will do.”

After opening the window, I took a seat at my desk and awaited the surveillance bees. I didn’t have long to wait because a minute later, they flew in and landed on my desk.

“I wasn’t expecting to hear from you guys again so soon. Has something happened? Did you catch him with someone?”

“No, nothing like that,” Honey said. “In fact, the reason we decided to report back so soon is because nothing has happened. Nothing noteworthy, at least.”

“Sorry, I don’t—err—”

“If you remember, when we were here yesterday, we told you that he had been acting rather oddly.”

“The shopping and bowls?”

“Yeah, it was like he couldn’t put a foot right.”

“Has that continued?”

“Quite the opposite. We spent several hours yesterday, and again this morning, monitoring him at his office. It was like watching a different man. He has a very demanding job and spends most of his time either on the phone or in remote meetings via Zoom.”

Buzz chipped in, “As far as we could tell, by the reactions of those he was interacting with, he is totally on it.”

“He is so much more confident than he was when we were watching him away from work.”

“Interesting,” I said. “And I assume you didn’t see him meet up with anyone else? Another woman?”

“No,” Buzz said. “Although, after he finished work on Tuesday night, we thought he might be about to.”

“How come?”

“Instead of heading straight home, he went to Crossover.”

“Hang on. Did you just say Crossover?”

“Yeah, it’s that new coffee—”

“I know what it is. I’ve been in there a couple of times, but it’s for sups only.”

“Yeah. So?” Honey looked puzzled.

“Are you telling me that John Longflower is a sup?”

“Yeah, he’s a wizard. We assumed you knew.”

“I’m an idiot.”

Both bees looked puzzled now.

“Jill?”

“Sorry, I’ve never actually seen John Longflower in person. I’ve only ever spoken to his wife.”

“Do you think that she knows?”

“That her husband is a sup? I very much doubt it. This changes everything. Anyway, you were telling me that he went to Crossover after work.”

“Yeah, like I said, we thought he might be meeting someone, but he couldn’t have been because he came straight back out again.”

“I don’t understand.”

“We always keep our distance to avoid detection. When we saw him enter Crossover, we headed towards the door, but he came out again before we reached it.”

“What do you think he was doing?”

“We assumed he must have changed his mind. Perhaps he got a call from his wife. Who knows?”

“How weird.”

“Do you want us to continue to watch him?” Honey said.

“No, I think I have enough to be going on with for now, but can I contact you if I need you to pick up the case again?”

“Of course. Now, I hate to ask, but what about our payment in kind?”

“I’ll be totally honest with you. So far, I’ve drawn a blank with trying to find a way to reverse the spell.”

Their faces fell.

“But I haven’t given up yet. I can either pay you now in cash or biscuits, or if you’re happy to give me more time, I’ll continue to search for a solution. Which would you prefer?”

“What are the chances that you’ll come up with a solution?”

“I don’t think it’s better than fifty-fifty.”

They exchanged a brief glance, then nodded.

“We’ll wait,” Buzz said.

“Are you sure? I feel bad about stringing you along.”

“It’s fine,” Honey said. “A fifty percent chance is better than none, which is what we’ll have if we give up now. And besides, if anyone is going to find a solution, it will be you.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know as soon as I have an answer. Either way. And thanks again for the work you’ve done.”

“Our pleasure. If you need us again, just whistle.”

“Or give us a call.” Buzz grinned. “That will probably work better.”

And with that, the two of them flew out of the window.

What was I to make of the feedback from the surveillance bees? In their initial report, they had observed behaviour that reflected Lorraine Longflower’s claims that her husband was acting out of character. But the second one, based on their observations of him at work, told a different story. Absent from both reports, was any suggestion that he might be having an affair, which had been my original suspicion. Crucially, I’d learned that John Longflower was a wizard; something I was sure his wife didn’t know. Why had he visited Crossover, and more importantly, why had he aborted his visit so suddenly?

It was time that I met John Longflower in person.

***

“I got them,” Jack said when he arrived home.

“Got what?”

“The golf balls for Peter. I also bought a card and wrapping paper because I knew you wouldn’t have. We can wrap the presents up tonight.”

“Hmm, there’s a slight problem there.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind doing it.”

“I don’t have the bracelet.”

“Winky’s buddy is cutting it a bit fine, isn’t he? When will you have it?”

“I won’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“Diamond Don has gone on a cruise.”

“What about the bracelet?”

“He forgot about it, apparently.”

“That’s outrageous. You should sue him.”

“Sue a dead cat. Yeah, that would work.”

“You told me this morning it was all in hand.”

“I thought it was. Winky had referred to him as Mr Reliable.”

“What happens now? I assume you’ll have to buy the real bracelet.”

“And pay two-hundred pounds? I don’t think so.”

“Are you going to use magic?”

“You mean the old silver bracelet spell? I would but there’s one small problem.”

“What’s that?”

“There’s no such spell, but don’t worry because I’ve come up with a cunning plan.”

“Oh dear.”

“What does that mean?”

“Just that your cunning plans have a bad habit of backfiring.”

“Rubbish, anyway this one is foolproof. Would you like to hear it?”

“Go on.”

“I’m going to win the karaoke competition tonight at Cuppy C. The prize is two-hundred pounds.”

“I can see one teensy-weensy problem with that cunning plan.”

“Which is?”

“You can’t sing. You have no chance of winning.”

“I can sing. In fact, I’m a very good singer.”

“Hmm.”

“But on the off chance that there’s someone there with a better voice, I have a trick up my sleeve.”

“Which is?”

“I intend to use the ‘autotune’ spell, which will make me sing like an angel.”

“Hmm, I see another slight problem.”

“What is it this time?”

“The competition is being held in Cuppy C. Right?”

“Correct.”

“So, all those attending will be sups?”

“Obviously.”

“A good percentage of which will be witches or wizards. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“What’s to stop them using the exact same spell? I assume it’s listed in that spell book of yours.”

“It is, but my cunning plan has already taken that into account. When I arrive at Cuppy C, I will cast another spell, which will effectively block the ‘autotune’ spell. I’ll only allow the autotune to take effect while I’m on the stage.”

“Won’t the others realise what you’ve done?”

“No, because the ‘block’ spell is one that I’ve just created. They’ll assume that they messed up when casting the ‘autotune’ spell. And besides, they won’t be able to say anything because they aren’t supposed to be using magic to enhance their voice.”

“That sounds an awful lot like cheating.”

“Rubbish. It’s just tactical manoeuvring.”

***

The twins’ prediction had proven to be correct; Cuppy C was as busy as I’d seen it for a very long time. They’d set up a small, makeshift stage at one side of the room. On the stage were a couple of speakers and a large screen. I thought at first that Grandma and Aunt Lucy had been put off by how busy it was, but then I spotted them at a table in the far corner.

“Looks like the twins were right about the karaoke,” I said.

“Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” Grandma sniggered.

“Don’t be so unkind, Mother,” Aunt Lucy snapped. “The girls have put a lot of work into tonight.”

I tried to defuse the situation. “Will you be getting up there, Grandma?”

“And make a show of myself in public? Certainly not.”

“I’m going to sing,” Aunt Lucy said.

“Sing? You?” Grandma scoffed.

Sigh. So much for defusing the situation.

“What do you mean by that?” Aunt Lucy was more riled than I’d seen her for a long time.

“You have many talents, Lucy,” Grandma said. “Or so I’m told. But singing certainly isn’t one of them.”

“What’s wrong with my singing?”

“How long do you have? For a start, you’re tone-deaf, and you sound like someone is strangling a ferret.”

“I suppose you’re a great singer.”

“Naturally, but as I’ve already said, I wouldn’t lower myself to take part in what is no more than a glorified party game.”

“If you feel like that, why did you bother coming at all?” Aunt Lucy snapped.

“You know me. I like to support the family.”

Both Aunt Lucy and I struggled not to laugh at that.

“Everyone! Can I have your attention, please?” Pearl’s voice came booming out of the loudspeakers, causing the room to fall silent. “Welcome to Cuppy C’s first karaoke night.”

“Yes.” Amber also had a microphone. “We’re overwhelmed by tonight’s incredible turnout. Hopefully, this will be the first of many karaoke nights. And don’t forget there’s a two-hundred pounds prize for the best performer.”

“Who decides on the winner?” I asked Aunt Lucy.

“It’s by a show of hands, I believe.”

Pearl said, “So, without further ado, let’s get the competition underway. Amber and I will take the first song of the evening.”

Oh boy!

Aunt Lucy had warned me that the twins couldn’t sing, but nothing could have prepared me for quite how bad they were. A cats’ chorus doesn’t even begin to describe it. After a few seconds, they exchanged a confused look, which told me that they’d cast the ‘autotune’ spell, and they couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working.

Teehee.

When they eventually finished, much to the relief of everyone in Cuppy C, they headed into the back. While the next contestant took to the stage, I followed the twins and listened from just outside the room.

“I’m telling you I cast it,” Pearl said.

“You can’t have!” Amber snapped. “We sounded awful.”

“I definitely cast it!”

“Then you must have messed it up.”

I’d heard enough, so I went and rejoined Aunt Lucy and Grandma. For the next two hours, a mixed bag of contestants took to the stage. Most of them were awful, although not as bad as the twins. It was obvious from their incredulous expressions that several other witches and wizards had also tried to cast the ‘autotune’ spell.

“She was really good,” Aunt Lucy said about a vampire who had just stepped off the stage. “The best so far.”

“She might as well claim the cash prize now,” Grandma said.

“Hang on. I’ve not had my turn yet,” I said.

“Right, yeah.” Grandma laughed. “Are you really going to get up there and make a show of yourself?”

“You’ll be laughing on the other side of your face when I win.”

Ten minutes later, Amber called out my name, and I took to the stage. As the music began, I cast the ‘autotune’ spell and broke into song.

I sounded like a strangled cat. How could that be? I’d cast the spell correctly—I was sure of that. And I’d cancelled my ‘block’ spell. What had gone wrong?

That’s when I saw Grandma chuckling to herself.

“You said you couldn’t lose,” Jack said after I’d magicked myself back home.

“I would have won if it hadn’t been for Grandma.”

“Did she win?”

“No, she didn’t even take part.”

“Then I don’t understand.”

“You remember I told you I was going to use the ‘autotune’ spell?”

“Cheat, you mean?”

“Yeah, well, when I began to sing, it was obvious that the spell wasn’t working.”

“Did you mess it up?”

“Mess it up? I don’t mess up spells.”

“What happened, then?”

“Grandma realised what I was up to. She knew I’d blocked the others from using the ‘autotune’ spell, so when it was my turn, she blocked me from using it.”

“I thought you said the ‘block’ spell was one you’d created?”

“It was, but she must have created a similar one shortly after she saw what had happened to the twins. She realised what I’d done and decided to give me a taste of my own medicine.”

“You can’t be sure that’s what happened.”

“I’m positive because those were her exact words when I confronted her.”

“What are you going to do about the bracelet now? The party is only a few days away.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll think of something.”

Chapter 19

“Did you keep the receipt for the golf balls?” I asked Jack the next morning over breakfast.

“Yes, it’s in my wallet.”

“Good. In that case, I need you to return them for a refund.”

“Why would I do that? We won’t have a present for either of them.”

“You’re going to have to trust me on this.”

“What are you going to do?”

“All I’m prepared to say is that, overnight, while you were enjoying your beauty sleep, I was concocting a cunning plan.”

“Do I have to remind you that it was your cunning plan that got us into this mess in the first place?”

“That was merely a temporary setback.”

“If this new plan of yours is so good, how come you won’t share it with me?”

“Because you’re a jinx. So, will you return those balls?”

“Sure, why not. It’s not like I’ve got a store to run or anything.”

“You’re the best.” I gave him a peck on the lips and headed out.

I was just about to get into the car when someone shouted my name. I turned around to see the vicar hurrying towards me. Did this mean my plan had worked? I was about to find out.

“Good morning, Jill, can you spare me a moment?”

“I was just on my way to the office.”

“It’ll only take a few minutes.” He took a few deep breaths. “I’m not as fit as I used to be. The thing is, I have some disappointing news for you.”

“What’s that?”

“I had a visit from Mr Flatley half an hour ago. He told me that he’s been tutoring you in advance of your magic show.”

“That’s right.”

“I don’t know how to put this, and I really hope you don’t take offence.”

“About what?”

“Mr Flatley said that, in his professional opinion, you simply aren’t up to doing the show.”

“He did?”

“You really mustn’t blame Mr Flatley. As he explained to me, he only has the interests of the fete at heart. And, of course, he said he was keen to save you from embarrassment.”

“What exactly are you saying, Vicar?”

“I’m saying that I think it might be better if Mr Flatley were to put on the magic show.”

Result! It took all my willpower not to fist pump the air.

“Obviously, I’m disappointed, but the important thing is that the villagers get the best magic show possible. If that means stepping aside, then I’m happy to do so.”

“That’s most magnanimous of you, particularly as I know how much you were looking forward to it.”

“It’s a small sacrifice for the good of the village. Oh, well, I’d better get going.”

“Before you leave, Jill, there is just one more thing.”

“What’s that?”

“The flyers that we distributed bill the magic show as Jill Maxwell’s wonderful world of magic.”

“Yeah. So?”

“I don’t want anyone to think we’ve been falsely advertising.”

“I’m sure no one will care just as long as they get a magic show.”

“Maybe, but to avoid any bad feelings, I—err—well, it was Mr Flatley’s suggestion, actually.”

“What was?”

“He suggested that you could be his assistant.”

“His assistant?”

“You wouldn’t have to do much. Just wave your hands around and look impressed. Do you have a pretty dress?”

“A pretty dress?”

“Sorry. Of course you do.” He turned to leave. “Thank you again for being so understanding.”

I couldn’t believe it. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire. I’d got out of doing the stupid magic show, but instead I was to be Flathead’s assistant. In my pretty dress.

***

I was still grumbling to myself when I walked into my office.

“What did you just say?” Winky asked.

“Nothing.”

“You did. You said pretty dress.”

“You shouldn’t be listening.”

“Why did you say it, though?”

“Do you remember I was supposed to be doing a magic show at the local church fete?”

“Jill Maxwell’s world of magic?” He grinned. “How could I forget?”

“Well, it seems my services are no longer required.”

“Why are you so grumpy, then? I got the impression you didn’t want to do it.”

“I didn’t. I don’t.”

“I still don’t get where the pretty dress comes into it.”

“The vicar said that to make up for my disappointment at being dropped from the show, I could be the magician’s assistant.”

“For which you’re going to need a pretty dress.”

“Apparently.”

“I love it.” He laughed. “Can I help you pick one?”

“No, you can’t because I have no intention of wearing a pretty dress. Or any other dress for that matter.”

“You can’t do it naked. You’ll put people off their candyfloss.”

“I’ll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and if they don’t like it, they’ll just have to lump it.”

Winky was still sniggering to himself when my phone rang.

“Jill, it’s Mandy Candy. I just wanted to check if you have any news yet?”

“Not yet, Mandy. I paid a visit to Bottled-It and spoke to Jude Rockmore, but he hasn’t seen your brother for several weeks, and he has no idea what might have happened to him.”

“What now, Jill?”

“The only sniff of a lead I’ve had so far is the footage of your brother, having some kind of altercation with a customer in the shop, on the day he walked out.”

“The man whose photo you showed us, you mean?”

“Yeah, I can’t help but feel that man might be the key to finding out what happened to your brother.”

“But how can you do that if you don’t know who he is?”

“I’ll find a way.”

“Okay, but we’re all so very worried.”

“I know. I promise I’ll let you know the minute I find out anything.”

“Thanks, Jill.”

I’d no sooner finished on the call to Mandy than my phone rang again. This time it was Jack.

“I just thought I’d let you know I managed to get a refund for the golf balls. The man in the shop obviously thought I’d lost my mind when I told him they’d been intended for an anniversary present, but he didn’t argue the toss.”

“Great.”

“Have you bought a replacement present?”

“Not yet. I’m just about to go and get it.”

“Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“No, it’ll be a surprise for you as well as them.”

“Whatever. I’d better get back to the store before Kiki kills Monty.”

“What’s going on with those two?”

“Monty has gone vegan.”

“Since when?”

“Since this morning. He’s been desperately trying to convert Kiki, but she doesn’t want to know.”

“I’d better let you get back before any blood is spilt. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Before you go, I have some really exciting news.”

“Does it have anything to do with ten-pin bowling?”

“No.”

“Model trains?”

“Are you going to let me tell you or not?”

“I was just trying to establish whether it really is exciting news or just your version of exciting.”

“It’s about the tea room.”

“Cuppy C?”

“How would I have news about Cuppy C? I’m talking about the tea room in the village.”

Peep Inside had been run by the Peeps for three years before Joe was struck down with illness—his heart. They had tried to sell the tea room as a going concern, but there had been no takers. Eventually, they’d simply shut up shop and it had remained closed ever since.

“Are the Peeps re-opening it?”

“No. Joe died last year, apparently.”

“That’s awful. How come you know all this?”

“Because one of the new owners came into the store just now. His name is Derek; he and his wife hope to have the place open again within a couple of weeks.”

“That quickly?”

“All the equipment and furniture are still inside the shop. They bought it all as a job-lot.”

“How does he seem?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is he normal? We’ve had more than our fair share of weird characters in the village.”

“He seemed okay to me.”

“It’ll be nice to have a tea room in the village again.”

“I agree. Okay, I’d better go.”

As I headed down the high street, I bumped into Daze and Blaze.

“Hey, you two. What are you up to?”

“We’re still trying to track down the missing blueberries,” Blaze sighed. “This isn’t what I signed up for.”

“For goodness’ sake stop complaining,” Daze snapped. “This isn’t some petty theft. There are hundreds of thousands of pounds at stake.”

“I know, but even so. Blueberries.”

“He’s just angry because he had to miss the karaoke competition.”

“I wondered why you weren’t there,” I said.

“We had to work through the night.” Blaze sighed. “That cost me two-hundred pounds in prize money.”

“Who says you would have won?” I said. “The winner would have taken some beating. She was really good.”

“I hear you were awful.” Blaze grinned.

“Blaze!” Daze snapped.

“What? That’s what the twins told us. They said you were the worst act of the night.”

“That’s rubbish,” I said. “If there had been a prize for second place, I’d have won it for sure. The twins were terrible, though. They practically got booed off the stage. Anyway, how is your blueberry investigation going? Did pulling an all-nighter help?”

“Not really,” Blaze said.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Daze said. “At least now we have a good idea what’s happened to them.”

“What do you mean?”

“We couldn’t understand how such a large quantity of blueberries was being brought into the human world without someone spotting them. We’re now fairly certain that the blueberries aren’t being brought across as blueberries.”

“Now, you’ve completely lost me.”

“What she’s trying to say,” Blaze chipped in. “Is that the blueberries are being made into juice and brought across that way.”

“Right. So have you made any arrests?”

“Not so far. We’ve tracked down several outlets that are selling the juice, but they’re all run by humans who are oblivious to the source of the juice. We really need to find out who, in the sup world, is supplying it.”

“Any leads so far?”

“None,” Blaze said. “Whoever is doing it has covered their tracks well.”

Chapter 20

Twenty-minutes later, I’d purchased the anniversary gift, and it had only cost sixty-pounds.

Result!

While I was on the high street, I decided to drop in at Shoesy again. For once, lady luck was smiling on me because there was no sign of Wilbur in the shop. Instead, a young female sales assistant, with ringlets a-plenty, was kicking her heels, waiting for a customer. As soon as I walked through the door, she turned on a welcoming smile.

“Good afternoon, madam, welcome to Shoesy.”

“Hi, is Wilbur in?”

“No, he’s off today. I’m Ranger. Can I be of assistance?”

“Ranger? Are you here by yourself today?”

“I am.”

“I guess that makes you the lone Ranger, then?” I laughed.

“Sorry?”

“It doesn’t matter. I haven’t seen you in here before. Are you new?”

“Yes, I started a couple of days ago.”

“Great. I’m Polly Gone from head office. Did Wilbur tell you to expect me?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Oh dear. That’s rather remiss of him.”

“Wilbur has been under a lot of pressure recently because my predecessor left suddenly without giving notice.”

“I heard about that. No matter. I’m here to do a security audit.”

“Right? Might it be better for you to come back when Wilbur is here because I’m still finding my way around.”

“That won’t be necessary. I can find everything I need.”

“I don’t want to get into trouble.”

“Relax, Ranger, there’s nothing to worry about. I just want to check the CCTV to make sure it’s working properly. I’ll be in and out within thirty minutes.”

“Okay, I guess. Do you need me to do anything?”

“No, just watch the shop while I do my thing. I’ll be out of your hair in no time at all.”

Once in the back office, I cued up the CCTV footage from the day that Randy had had a confrontation with a customer. When I’d viewed it the first time, I’d focussed only on trying to get a clear image of the customer’s face, so that I could show it to the Candy family. This time, I intended to watch the incident more closely from the moment the customer arrived at the shop up until the time when he stormed out.

Wilbur had been busy serving a middle-aged woman when the customer in question had entered the shop. I zoomed in on Randy’s face to see if there was any sign of recognition, but there was none. He clearly didn’t know the man, and his only reaction was to switch on his customer service smile. As the man looked at several shoes displayed on the shelves, Randy watched him, but didn’t move from behind the counter. After a few minutes, the man picked up one of the shoes. That was Randy’s cue to spring into action, and he walked over to the man. A few words were exchanged, but as there was no sound on the recording, I could only guess at what was being said. It appeared to me that the man had requested the other shoe in the pair, so he could try them both on. Still smiling, and perhaps sensing a sale, Randy disappeared into the back of the shop, and returned a minute later, with a box in his hand. While waiting for Randy to get the other shoe, the customer had taken a bottle from his bag and had a drink. On approaching the man, Randy’s demeanour changed. His smile disappeared and he became visibly angry. He reached out and tried to snatch the bottle from the customer, but the man pushed him away. Visibly annoyed, the man picked up his bag and stormed out of the shop.

What was I to make of that? A lot of shops have a no food or drink policy, so Shoesy, who specialised in high quality, expensive shoes, were bound to have one. Even so, Randy’s reaction had been extreme. Surely, a quiet word would have sufficed. Why jeopardise a potentially lucrative sale in that way?

I continued to view the footage. When Wilbur had finished serving his customer, he’d gone to talk to Randy who was still visibly upset. Not long after, Randy went into the back and then came out carrying a bag. Wilbur looked on as Randy left the shop for what would be his last day in the job. And, effectively, the last time anyone ever saw him.

“Is everything okay?” Ranger asked as I walked back into the shop.

“Everything is just tickety boo.”

“Oh good. I’ll tell Wilbur that you dropped in when he comes back tomorrow, shall I?”

“There’s no need. I’ll give him a call myself,” I lied.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“No, that’s everything. I hope you enjoy working here, Ranger.”

“I’m sure I will. Goodbye.”

“Hi ho. Away.”

“Sorry?”

“Bye, Ranger.”

***

It was long overdue that I met John Longflower in person. According to the surveillance bees, the man was something of a chameleon. When he was at home, or in the company of his friends, he’d acted like a total klutz, but at work he had appeared confident and highly efficient. So far, there had been nothing to back up my original theory that he was cheating on his wife, but I hadn’t totally abandoned that possibility.

I wanted to speak to the man face-to-face, and I needed to do so in a way that didn’t make him suspicious. His wife had told me that John was quite intimidated by his boss, a woman called Deidre Lolpop, who was based in London. He might not agree to a meeting with a total stranger, but he was sure to be more receptive if his boss paid an unexpected visit to his office.

After leaving Shoesy, I called into Coffee Animal where the animal du jour was a hedgehog.

“Hi, I’m Spike,” the hedgehog introduced himself.

“Hi.”

“What’s your name?”

“Jill. Look, I’m really busy, and I’d rather we didn’t talk.”

“How rude.”

“How about I give you a bit of my bun by way of compensation?”

“Half.”

“Sorry?”

“I want half of it.”

“Okay, but only if you promise to be quiet while I work.”

“Sure, knock yourself out.”

I broke the bun in two and held out one piece.

“I’ll take the other bit. It’s bigger.”

“Alright. Now, not another word.”

I brought up the website for Hostrich, the company where John Longflower worked, and searched for Deidre Lolpop. Her job title was Partner: Futures Markets. I had no idea what that was, but it sounded quite senior. Her bio was mostly gobbledegook, but luckily, there were links to a number of video presentations that she’d made.

“Who’s that woman?” Spike asked through a mouthful of bun.

“Our deal was that you’d be quiet.”

“She looks like a bit of a dragon.”

He wasn’t wrong. Deidre Lolpop came across as a bit of a monster. I could see why John Longflower might be intimidated by her. After viewing three of the videos, I felt confident that I would be able to do a passing impression of her.

After returning Spike and leaving Coffee Animal, I found a quiet alleyway where I used the ‘doppelganger’ spell to make myself look like Deidre Lolpop. I also cast a ‘shielding’ spell so that Longflower wouldn’t realise I was a sup. That done, I headed over to the Suprex building where he worked. It was one of the newest and most impressive in Washbridge. When I’d been kicked out of my old offices, I’d enquired about renting an office in there, but the rent was way out of my reach.

The main reception for the whole building took up most of the ground floor. Two men and two women, all dressed in identical green blazers were behind the reception desk. Three of them were already occupied, so I approached the young man whose name badge read: Donny.

“Welcome to the Suprex, how can I assist you today?”

“Hi, I’m here to see John Longflower.”

“Do you know which company he works for?”

“Hostrich.”

“Ostrich?”

“Yes, but with a silent ‘H’.”

“Ostric?”

“The silent ‘H’ is at the beginning: H-O-S-T-R-I-C-H.”

“Ah, I see. Let me check.” He tapped away on the touchscreen. “Ah, yes, I have him. I see from Mr Longflower’s diary that he hasn’t registered any visitors with us today. Is he expecting you?”

“No, but I’m sure he’ll want to see me.”

“If you can tell me your name, I’ll give him a call.”

“Sure. Tell him it’s Deidre Lolpop.”

“Lollipop?”

“No. It’s Lolpop, spelled L-O-L-P-O-P.”

“Just a moment please, Ms Lolpop.”

“It’s Mrs.”

“Sorry. I’ll try Mr Longflower now.” He picked up the phone and hit a few buttons. “Mr Longflower? It’s Donny on reception. I have a Mrs Deidre Lolpop down here. She doesn’t have an appointment, but she—you will? Great. I’ll get her to sign in and send her up.” He ended the call. “Mr Longflower will see you. I just need you to sign in using this tablet.”

Once I’d signed in, Donny passed me a laminated card.

“You’ll need this to access the lifts. Mr Longflower is on the seventh floor. Room 706.”

“Thanks, Donny.”

On exiting the lift, I found myself facing room 701. I’d just started down the corridor when a door opened, and John Longflower stepped out.

“Deidre, this is quite the surprise.”

It was obvious from his demeanour, and the slight quiver in his voice, that this unexpected visit had shaken him.

“I thought it was time I paid you a visit. How long has it been?”

“You’ve never been here. Have you?”

“No. I meant how long is it since we spoke face to face?”

“That would have been at last year’s AGM, I believe. There’s nothing wrong, is there, Deidre?”

“You tell me.”

“Sorry?”

“Shall we go inside?”

“Of course. Can I get you anything to drink?”

“It’s okay. I’ve just had a drink at a strange little coffee shop on the high street. Coffee Animal. Have you ever been in there?”

“No.”

“You should give it a try. I shared a cake with a hedgehog called Spike.”

“Right? I wasn’t expecting you today, was I? I don’t have anything in my diary.”

“No. I was in the area, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to touch base with you.”

“Great.” He was fiddling with a pen, which I took as a sign of nerves.

“The main reason I wanted to drop in on you was to ask how you think the whole remote working thing is going.”

“Fine. Absolutely fine.”

“You don’t miss the cut and thrust of working in head office?”

“Not at all.”

“Interesting. Why don’t you give me a run down on everything you’re working on at the moment?”

“Absolutely.”

He didn’t need asking twice. He spent the next thirty minutes discussing one project after another. None of it made even a lick of sense to me, but I did my best to look interested, and I kept nodding my approval. When I could stand no more, I put up my hand to interrupt him mid-flow.

“I’ve heard enough, John.”

“Are you sure? I’ve not even mentioned the—”

“I’m sure. It’s clear you’re on top of everything. Tell me, is there anything you need from me?”

Before he could answer, his phone rang.

“May I?” he looked to me for approval.

“Of course.”

“John Longflower speaking.” Suddenly, his expression changed to one of total confusion. “Deidre?”

Oh bum! The real Deidre Lolpop was obviously on the other end of the phone, which left me with only one option.

After casting the ‘sleep’ spell on him, I hung up his phone. Next, I cast the ‘forget’ spell, so that he wouldn’t remember my visit. He wouldn’t come around until after I’d left the building, at which time he would have some explaining to do to Deidre Lolpop who would wonder why he’d hung up on her.

***

“Where is it?” Jack said.

“Where’s what?”

“The anniversary present.”

“In my car. I thought I might as well leave it there until we go around to Kathy’s on Saturday.”

“Won’t you need to wrap it?”

“I had them gift wrap it in the shop.”

“What did you get for them?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Why not?”

“Because my cunning plan depends upon the element of surprise.”

“You haven’t bought them something stupid, have you?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “A cuddly squirrel?”

“Why on earth would I get them a cuddly squirrel?”

“I wouldn’t put anything past you.”

“I haven’t bought them a cuddly squirrel.”

“So, what is it?”

“I’m not telling you, but I will say that it is an anniversary appropriate gift.”

“It better had be.”

“Anyway, what’s going on with the tea room?”

“I only know what I told you on the phone. The new owner, Derek, and his wife hope to have it open within a couple of weeks.”

“What else did he have to say?”

“Nothing. He seemed to be in a hurry. He was in and out of the store before I had the chance to have a good chat with him.”

Chapter 21

I’d just showered, dressed and was about to head downstairs for breakfast when Jack yelled like a banshee.

“Jill! Quick!”

Judging by the panic in his voice, I assumed he must be under attack by an axe murderer, so I took the stairs two at a time in my rush to get to him. I found him standing in the kitchen, staring out of the door. There was no axe murderer in sight.

“What’s wrong?”

“There, in the garden.”

“I’ve told you those squirrels aren’t anything to be scared of.”

“It isn’t a squirrel. Look.”

“Who did that?” I stared at the huge mound of earth where once our lawn had been.

“I’ve no idea. It was like that when I came downstairs. Do you think it’s linked to those other holes that have been appearing all around Washbridge?”

“How would I know?”

“Why don’t you go and see what did it?” Jack said.

“Why don’t you?”

“I haven’t got any shoes on.”

“Coward.” I unlocked the door and looked outside, but there was nothing to see. Except for the giant hole, that is. “Hello? Anyone out there?”

“Hi.” Someone shouted back.

I looked up and down the garden again, but I still couldn’t see anyone.

“Where are you?”

“Down here.”

This time, it was obvious that the voice was coming from inside the hole.

“Who is it?” Jack said.

“How do I know? They’re in the hole.”

“We should see who it is.”

“We?”

“I’ll put my shoes on if you like.”

“Don’t bother. I wouldn’t want you to get your brogues dirty.”

I walked gingerly towards the mound of earth that encircled the enormous hole.

“Hello!” I shouted.

“Hi.”

“Who are you? What are you doing in our garden?”

Just then, a huge mole poked its snout out of the hole. And, when I say huge, I mean huge! It was at least as big as a cow.

“I’m Marco. Are you Jill Maxwell?”

“Err, yeah. How did you know?”

“Thank goodness. I’ve been trying to find you for days, but I kept getting my bearings mixed-up.”

“You still haven’t said why you’ve dug up my garden. And how come you’re so big?”

“It’s a long, sad story.”

“I’m listening.”

“Until a few days ago, I was just a regular sized mole, minding my own business. I know our hills can be a bit annoying to people, but we don’t set out to damage anyone’s garden. Anyway, this particular day, I’d just surfaced when I heard someone shouting abuse my way. That’s not an uncommon event, and normally, I would just reverse back down the hole and move on, but this guy went crazy. And I really mean crazy. He was shouting all kinds of abuse at me, and before I could escape, he did this.”

“This?”

“Made me this size.”

“He was a wizard, I assume?”

“Yes, but I didn’t know that at the time.”

“What did you do then?”

“I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, so I made my escape as quickly as I could. But then, every time I resurfaced, I drew lots of attention. There were flashing lights, and people screaming and shouting.”

“I’m not surprised. It must have been you who dug up the high street.”

“It’s not like I meant to. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was.”

“You still haven’t explained how you know my name or why you’ve been looking for me.”

“Ever since it happened, I’ve been trying to find someone who could help. Luckily, I came across a fellow mole called Badger who—”

“A mole called Badger?”

“Yeah. He said he’d heard of a witch called Jill Maxwell who was supposedly the most powerful witch in the world. He said if anyone could help me, it would be you. Can you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Please. You have to try. I can’t carry on like this.”

“What’s going on?” Jack poked his head out of the door.

“Marco needs my help.”

“Who’s Marco?”

I realised then that Jack couldn’t see Marco for the mound of earth, but before I could answer, Marco pulled himself up.

“What’s that?” Jack took a step back.

“That’s Marco.”

“He’s enormous.”

“Yeah, that’s kind of the problem. He upset a wizard who took his revenge by making him this size.”

“Is he the one who’s been digging up the roads in town?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t do it maliciously. He’s asked me to turn him back to his normal size.”

“Can you?”

“I’m not sure. If it’s the ‘bigger’ spell, I should be able to reverse it easily enough. I’ll give it a try.”

I did, but nothing happened.

“Nothing happened,” Marco confirmed.

“I can see that. Stay right there while I go inside and check my spell book.”

I went back into the house to retrieve my phone from the bedroom. Jack followed me upstairs.

“What are you going to do?” he said.

“Shush, I’m trying to find out which spell made him so huge.”

I spent the next ten minutes looking at every spell that I thought might have been used to turn Marco into a giant mammal.

“Any joy?” Jack said.

“I can’t see anything that fits the bill. I’ve searched under size, enlarge, expand, and even augment.”

“Have you tried searching on mole?”

“Mole? Seriously? No one is going to create a spell specifically to make a mole larger.”

“It’s worth a try, surely?”

“Fine, but it’ll be a complete waste—hang on.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Show me.” He’d grabbed the phone before I could stop him. “The ‘giant mole’ spell. Looks like I was right.”

He had that smug look on his face; the one that makes me want to slap him.

“Give it here.” I took the phone, hurried back downstairs, and out into the garden.

“Any luck?” Marco said.

“I think I might have found the spell that the wizard used on you.”

“Who found it?” Jack shouted from inside the house, but I ignored him.

“Can you change me back to normal size?”

“I think so.” I checked the spell one last time, then tried to reverse it.

“You did it!” said a much smaller Marco. “Thank you so much, Jill.”

“No problem.”

“I’m really sorry about your garden.”

“That’s okay. Take care.”

Jack was still looking smug when I went back into the house, and he said, “It’s okay. No thanks necessary.”

“I don’t know what you’re looking so happy about. You’ve got to fill in that hole and re-lay the lawn.”

***

Before going into the office, I magicked myself over to Candle Industrial Estate. I was going to give Ruby-Anne the poetry book that Rhymes had signed for her. As soon as I walked through the door, her gaze went straight to the book in my hand.

“Is that—? Did you manage to—?”

“Yes, Rhymes was only too happy to sign it for you.” I handed it to her.

She turned to the page where Rhymes had written the dedication, and she immediately began to well up.

“That’s amazing. I can’t wait to show it to everyone at the poetry society.”

“Do you write poetry?”

“I try, but obviously I’m not in the same class as Rhymes. He’s something of a folk hero to us in the society. The people there will be so jealous when they see this. Thanks again, Jill.”

“No problem.” I turned to leave.

“Don’t you want to see Jude?”

“No, I only came to bring you the book.”

“That’s actually a relief.”

“How do you mean?”

“After you’d been here the last time, Jude was in a foul mood. He bit my head off a couple of times for no reason at all.”

“Really? I don’t think it could have been anything I did. I only came to ask him when he last saw a friend of his, Randy Candy. Do you know him?”

“Only to say hello to. He quite often pops over to see Jude.”

“He’s gone missing. His family have hired me to try and find him.”

“Any luck so far?”

“Not really. The last time he was seen was when he walked out of his job in a shoe shop, in the human world.”

“Oh yeah. He told me about that.”

“Who did? Jude?”

“No, Randy. He was pretty upset. He was worried they might sack him for walking out like that.”

“Where did you see him?”

“He came to see Jude.”

“When?”

“I’m not sure of the date, but it was the day he walked out of his job.”

“You’re positive about that?”

“Absolutely.”

“Did you see him leave again?”

“No, I was just on my way out when he arrived. Jude should be able to tell you what time Randy left, though. Shall I see if I can get hold of him for you?”

“No, it’s okay. There’s no need to bother him. I’d better get going.”

What was I to make of that? When I’d asked Jude about Randy, he’d told me that he hadn’t seen him in weeks, but according to Ruby-Anne, Randy had paid Jude a visit at Bottled-It on the same day as he walked out on his job. That meant not only had Jude been lying to me, but that the last sighting of Randy was not at the shop, but at Bottled-It, later that same day.

I considered turning back, and confronting Jude there and then, but thought better of it. First, I needed to try and work out why Jude was lying. Might Randy have turned to his friend for help? Was Jude hiding him? If so, where was he? It struck me that Randy could still be in the factory because there were plenty of places he might hide out. Another visit to Bottled-It was called for, this time when the factory was closed.

Chapter 22

My only hope of helping Buzz and Honey to turn back into fairies depended upon a woman called Winnie De Hoo. According to Aunt Lucy, Winnie maintained a comprehensive archive of every spell ever created, including all those that had long since been removed from the official spell book and forgotten. My problem was that Winnie was something of a recluse, and the only way to get in contact with her was to persuade her gatekeepers, the grumps, that you were worthy of an audience.

Still, I wasn’t too worried because my reputation as the most powerful witch in Candlefield was sure to precede me, so the grumps wouldn’t need too much by way of persuasion. Aunt Lucy had told me that I would find the grumps at Candlefield Lake, so when I magicked myself over there, I was full of optimism.

Misplaced optimism, as it turned out.

Never has a creature better suited its name than the grumps. How best to describe them? Imagine, if you will, an aye-aye crossed with a proboscis monkey.

What do you mean you’ve never heard of either of them? Look them up and you’ll get an idea what a grump looks like.

There were three of the ugly, miserable-looking creatures, seated on rocks next to the lake. They halted their conversation when I approached them.

“Hi, guys.”

No response, so I tried again.

“Lovely day, isn’t it?”

“What’s lovely about it?” the one in the middle said.

“The weather, I meant.”

“It’s probably going to rain anytime now,” sighed the one to his left.

“What do you want?” the third one asked.

“I understand that you’re the people I need to speak to, to arrange an audience with Winnie De Hoo.”

“You understand correctly.”

“Excellent. Do you think I might do that, then?”

“That all depends.”

“On?”

“Who are you?”

“My name is Jill Maxwell. You may have heard of me.”

The three of them exchanged a number of glances then shook their heads. So much for my reputation preceding me.

“It doesn’t matter. There’s no reason you should have. Anyway, can I see Winnie?”

“It’s Mrs De Hoo, to you.”

“Sorry. Do you think I could see her?”

“Mrs De Hoo is extremely busy. She’s already seen two people.”

“Today?”

“No.”

“This week?”

“This month.”

“If she’s only seen two people this month, surely she could fit in one more appointment?”

“Possibly, but we can’t just allow anyone to see her. Her time is too precious to waste. Why should we allow you to see her?”

“I’m hoping she might be able to find a particular spell.”

“Everyone who asks to see Mrs De Hoo is looking for a spell.”

“Of course, but this is really important.”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Okay, let’s cut to the chase. What do I have to do for you to grant me an audience with Mrs De Hoo?”

“Make us laugh,” said the one in the centre.

“Sorry?”

“You heard. If you can make us laugh, we’ll get you an audience with Mrs De Hoo.”

“Are you being serious?”

“Deadly. Being a grump isn’t a barrel of laughs. In fact, it’s downright depressing, isn’t it, guys?”

“Sure is.”

“Too right.”

“Okay,” I said. “So, what sort of thing makes you laugh?”

“Very little.”

“How about a joke?”

“Is it funny?”

“I think so. It’s my favourite one.”

“Go for it.”

“What’s brown and sticky?”

That was met with a collective shrug.

“Give in? It’s a stick.”

I laughed.

They didn’t. Instead, one of them said, “I don’t get it.”

“Nor me.”

“Come on, guys, that was funny.”

The one on the left said, “That attempt at humour appears to rely on the premise that we will assume the answer is poo, but in fact it’s a stick. Am I right?”

“Err, yeah. Funny, eh?”

“No,” said the one in the centre. “Do you have any others?”

“Not as good as that one.”

“You’d best be on your way, then.”

“Come on, guys. I only need a few minutes of Mrs De Hoo’s time.”

“Then you’d better go away and come up with something that will make us laugh.”

With that, the three of them turned their backs on me.

***

“Why the long face?” Winky asked.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Okay. I have to find a spell to turn the surveillance bees back into fairies, but before I can do that, I need an audience with a woman called Winnie De Hoo.”

“So, what’s the problem, Honey?” He laughed. “Honey. Winnie De Hoo. Get it?”

“Hilarious.”

“What’s the problem?”

“The grumps won’t allow me to see De Hoo unless I can make them laugh.”

“The who?”

“Grumps. I’ve already hit them with my best joke, and I didn’t get so much as a snigger.”

“It wasn’t the stick joke, was it?”

“How did you know?”

“Because it’s the only joke you know.”

“Maybe, but it’s a cracker.”

“Said no one ever. I could help.”

“How?”

“I had a book full of jokes when I used to do stand-up.”

“You’ve never done stand-up.”

“Yes, I have. Back in the day, I used to have them rolling around in the aisles.”

“Can I borrow your joke book?”

“I’m not sure where it is. I haven’t seen it since—you know.”

“You died?”

“Yeah, a lot of my stuff disappeared back then.”

“You must still be able to remember some of them.”

“Not really.”

“Are you sure you don’t know where the book is?”

“I suppose it could be at Jimmy’s.”

“Who’s Jimmy?”

“A pal of mine in GT. He passed over about the same time as I did. He’s got himself a nice gaff over there, and he agreed to store some of my stuff. It’s possible the book could be amongst that lot.”

“Can you check?”

“Not until Sunday.”

“Why not now?”

“Because I was talking to Jimmy earlier in the week. He’s visiting his old Mum, and he won’t be back until then.”

“Okay, that’ll have to do, I guess. I’ve got the church fete on Sunday, but I’ll find time to pop back here, to pick up the book.”

“Whoa your horses. Years of work went into those jokes. You don’t expect me to just give them away, do you?”

“What do you want?”

“Double salmon for a month.”

“For two days.”

“A week.”

“Okay, but only if one of the jokes makes the grumps laugh.”

“Deal. My jokes are guaranteed to have them in stitches.”

***

Buzz and Honey had told me that John Longflower had paid a visit to Crossover after he’d finished at the office. I’d assumed they were going to say he’d met another woman there, but apparently, he’d no sooner walked in than he’d turned around and walked straight back out again. Had he seen something or someone that had made him turn back?

Why had he been visiting Crossover? The obvious answer was to meet someone from Candlefield, so I intended to follow him when he left his office, on the off chance that he went back there. It was a longshot, but as you already know, I’m the queen of the longshots.

I called Jack to warn him that I might be late home.

“I’ve got the date for my training,” he said.

“That was quick. When is it?”

“In two weeks’ time. Monty and Kiki have agreed to work extra shifts to cover, but I might need you to step in if they have any problems.”

“Sure. Does that mean the post office will open soon?”

“They’re going to do the conversion work to the store while I’m away. They reckon it’ll be done by the time I get back.”

“That’s quick. Will you be running the post office as soon as you get back from your training?”

“They’re going to send in a temporary post office manager for a couple of weeks. I have to work alongside her and then I take over.”

“Sounds good.”

“What time will you be home tonight?”

“I don’t really know. It depends on what happens with the guy I’m following.”

“Okay, see you later.”

Although I’d met John Longflower before, I wasn’t worried that he might recognise me because, on the previous occasion, I’d posed as Deidre Lolpop. And besides, the ‘forget’ spell would have erased even that from his memory.

I had no idea what time he would finish work but, luckily, there was a coffee shop directly across the road from the Suprex building, from where I could see everyone who came and left.

“Caramel latte, please,” I said to the young man behind the counter whose name, according to his badge, was Romeo.

“Can I get your name, please?” he said.

“Sorry?”

“I need a name for the drink, please.”

The shop was empty; I was literally the only customer in there.

“There’s no one else in the shop.”

“It’s company policy to get a name.”

“Fine, Romeo. It’s Juliet.”

His smile was replaced by a scowl, and I could sense he was dying to challenge me, but he daren’t, just in case I was being truthful.

After paying, I made my way to the other end of the counter, to await my drink. When it was ready, Romeo walked to where I was standing, but instead of handing it to me, he called, “Juliet!”

I was tempted to turn the little scrote into something unspeakable. Instead, I took the drink and sat on one of the stools by the window, from where I could keep watch for John Longflower.

Jack had told me that he would be going away for a week’s training. That would be the first time we’d been apart for more than a couple of days since we were married. I still had some misgivings about the whole post office thing, but Jack was clearly enthusiastic about the new venture, so I’d resolved to be supportive.

Ninety minutes later, I was still nursing my coffee when Romeo shouted, “We’ll be closing in ten minutes.”

“Okay.”

I’d hoped Longflower would have made an appearance before now, and I was beginning to wonder if he was working late or had left before I arrived. With Romeo’s gaze burning a hole in the back of my head, I was on the point of abandoning the whole thing when Longflower walked down the steps of the building opposite.

“Wherefore art thou?” I called to my friend behind the counter and then handed him my empty cup.

Wherever Longflower was headed, he was moving at a fair lick. The pavement was busy with people heading home, so I stayed on the opposite side of the road, from where I had a better view of my quarry. After I’d been following him for a few minutes, I thought I’d lost him, but then I spotted him turning down an alleyway between two large stores. The sheer volume of traffic meant that the vehicles were crawling along the road, so I was able to cross with relative ease. I reached the alleyway just in time to see Longflower enter Crossover. I ran down the alley but before I reached the door, he exited the building. For a moment, I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t simply turn around because it would have been obvious that I was following him. Instead, I figured I might as well go inside and take a quick look around. The place was very quiet with no more than a dozen people in there altogether. I was just about to turn around when I recognised someone at the opposite side of the club. The wizard was headed for the other exit—the one that led to Candlefield.

It was John Longflower.

Confused? Me too.

Chapter 23

“What are you looking so happy about?” I asked Jack who’d been grinning like the Cheshire Cat all through breakfast.

“I was just thinking what a great weekend this is going to be.”

“You’re joking, I assume?”

“Of course not. We’ve got Kathy and Peter’s anniversary party tonight. And then, it’s the church fete tomorrow.”

“I’m waiting for the good part.”

“Don’t be such a misery guts. It’s going to be brilliant.”

“Can I pretend that I have to work, and duck out of both of them?”

“No, you can’t. You should want to celebrate your sister’s anniversary.”

“Why?”

“Just because. And it’s always good when the village comes together for something like the fete.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who has to be Flathead’s assistant.”

“I hope you’ve picked out a pretty dress for the occasion.”

“He can stuff that. I’ll be wearing jeans and a t-shirt. If he doesn’t like it, he can lump it.”

“You still haven’t told me what you’ve got for Kathy and Peter’s anniversary present.”

“That’s correct.”

“I don’t understand why you won’t tell me.”

Before I could respond, Grandma walked into the kitchen.

“How many times have I told you that you can’t just walk in without knocking?” I snapped.

“At the last count, it was three-hundred and twelve.” She turned to Jack. “Jim, would you mind giving me and my granddaughter a minute alone?”

Jack didn’t need asking twice; he was only too pleased to get out.

“No problem. I was just about to go to the store, anyway.”

I waited until he was out of the house before turning on Grandma, “Why do you do it every time? You know very well that his name is Jack.”

“That’s what I said. Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about your human. I have more important matters to discuss.”

“Such as?”

“Wandrooms.”

“Oh, those.” I sighed. “What about them?”

“I asked Lucy if she would store them in her spare bedroom, but she came up with some feeble excuse about decorating in there.”

“Good. I’m glad she stood up to you for once. You had no right to expect her to store the wandrooms for you.”

“You’re right, so I’ve decided to store them here instead.”

“Here in the village?”

“No, here in this house.”

“No way!”

“Why not? You have more than enough room now that Florence has moved out.”

“Florence has not moved out. You’re not using her bedroom.”

“That’s okay. The spare bedroom will do fine.”

“That room is already full. You’ll just have to find somewhere else to store them.”

“Are you sure there isn’t space in there?”

“Positive. Come and see for yourself.” I led the way upstairs and threw open the door to the spare bedroom. “See. It’s chock-a-block already.”

“What a mess. Why don’t you sling all this stuff out?”

“Because we need it. Most of it, anyway.” I closed the door. “So, you see, there’s no room here for your wandrooms. You’ll just have to find somewhere else.”

“How inconsiderate!” she said before storming out of the house.

I was pleased to see that Aunt Lucy had found the courage to stand up to her for once.

Jack would be at the store for most of the day, which meant I had several hours to myself before we went to Kathy’s for the anniversary party. It was a gorgeous day, and it seemed a shame to stay indoors, so I decided to take a walk through the village.

I’d no sooner set off than I came across a woman, walking three dogs: two spaniels and a corgi. Or, rather, they appeared to be taking her for a walk, as she seemed to be struggling to keep them under control.

“Good morning,” she said.

“Hi.”

“Did I see you come out of that house?” She gestured towards the old watermill.

“Yes.”

“You’re so lucky. That’s a beautiful house.”

“Thank you.”

“Sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Dorothy Dash, but everyone calls me Dot. Except my husband that is; he calls me Morse.”

“I don’t—err—”

“Dot. Dash. Morse code.”

“Oh right.” Groan.

“My husband, Desi, and I have just bought the tea room here in the village.”

“Ah, right. My husband, Jack, said Desi had been in the store.”

“You run the store in the village?”

“Yes. Well, Jack does. I have my own business. Sorry, I should have said, my name is Jill. Jill Maxwell.”

“Nice to meet you, Jill.”

“Jack told me you’re hoping to have the tea room open soon.”

“Yeah, hopefully within a couple of weeks if all goes according to plan.”

“Nice. Do you know what you’re going to call it yet?”

“I don’t have a clue, although Desi has ordered the sign already.”

“Sorry, I don’t understand.”

“He won’t tell me what the tea room is going to be called. He wants it to be a surprise.”

“Right?”

“Sorry, I’d better get going.” She pulled back on the leads. “This lot are eager for their breakfast. Nice to meet you, Jill.”

“Good luck with the tea room.”

Back at the house, I settled down on the sofa with a nice cup of tea.

“You can’t beat a nice cup of tea, can you?” Humph said.

I hadn’t noticed that he was in the armchair.

“What are you doing downstairs?”

“I get lonely upstairs, so I asked Jack to bring me down here before he went to the store.”

“He and I will have to have words later.”

“Look, I know you and I didn’t get off to a great start, Jill, but couldn’t we start over? I did spare you from the parrot after all.”

That much was true.

“Okay, you can stay down here, but only if you promise to keep quiet. The weekend is the only opportunity I get to relax and unwind.”

“Great. I’ll keep quiet, I promise.”

“Okay.”

He lasted all of five minutes.

“That hole in the garden is rather unsightly. When are you going to do something about it?”

“What did I say about keeping quiet?”

“Sorry. It’s dangerous too. Anyone could fall—hey, what are you doing?”

“I gave you a chance. You can’t say I didn’t.” I carried him upstairs and dropped him onto the bed.

“Please, Jill, don’t leave me here by myself.”

“Bye, Humphrey.”

What? Who are you calling cold-hearted? That bear would test the patience of a saint.

The first thing Jack said when he returned from the store was, “Where’s Humph?”

“How about: Hi, Jill. How are you, Jill?” I huffed.

“Sorry. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

“Where’s Humphrey?”

“He’s upstairs where he belongs.”

“He was fed up with being up there all by himself.”

“I don’t care. He was driving me mad.”

“Fair enough. What did your grandmother want?”

“Nothing important. I had a walk around the village this morning, and I bumped into Dot Dash from the tea room. She seems nice enough. They’ve got three dogs.”

“Yeah, I just saw Desi with them: two Dalmatians and a corgi.”

“That’s not right. They’ve got two spaniels and a corgi.”

“No, they haven’t.”

“Yes, they have. I saw them this morning.”

“I think I can tell the difference between a spaniel and a Dalmatian. They were white with black spots.”

“If you say so. Anyway, she seems confident that the tea room will be open within a couple of weeks.”

Jack checked the time on his phone. “We’d better get ready, or we’ll be late for the party.”

“Actually, I’ve had a bit of tummy ache this afternoon, maybe I—”

“Drop the BS, Jill. We’re both going to the party and we’re going to have a good time. Right?”

“I suppose.”

“Do you think all of these cars will be people going to the party?” Jack asked as we struggled to find a parking spot anywhere close to Mansion Kathy.

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Knowing my sister, she’ll have invited half of Washbridge. That’s why I don’t think she’d miss us if we didn’t turn up.”

“Don’t start that again. There’s a spot over there.”

“We’re three miles away,” I said as we got out of the car.

“It’s two streets away. Stop moaning and try to look as though you’re having a good time tonight.”

“I’ll do my best, but it won’t be easy.”

Lizzie was seated on one of the ornamental benches in front of the house.

“You go inside, Jack. I’m going to have a quick word with Lizzie.”

“Don’t you dare do a runner.”

“I won’t. I’ll come and find you in a few minutes.”

“Mind if I join you, Lizzie?”

“Sure.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I just had to get out of there. I know it’s Mum and Dad’s special day, but most of the people she’s invited are obnoxious.” She smiled. “Not you and Jack, obviously. I don’t suppose Florence is coming, is she?”

“No, she couldn’t make it. The last time I saw you, you were looking a little the worse for wear. Have things improved on the—” I glanced around to make sure no one was in earshot. “On the ghost hunting front?”

“Yeah, they’re much better since they brought Mandy onboard.”

“Mandy?”

“Mandy Most. She’s like a younger version of Mad, and twice as crazy.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“It’s true. She’s absolutely wild, but she’s an amazing ghost hunter. Our clear up rate has doubled since she joined us.”

“That’s good. You’re not overdoing it, though, are you? Your schooling should come first.”

“Nah, it’s fine now. Since Mandy joined, I’ve cut down my hours dramatically.”

“That’s good. Is Mikey here?”

“No. He said he had to study for an exam on Monday. The liar.”

“He might be telling the truth.”

“He isn’t. I saw his posts online. He’s going to Brighton with some of his mates from uni.”

“I can’t say I blame him. Oh well, I suppose I’d better go inside before your mother comes looking for me. Coming?”

“Not yet. I’ve got to work myself up to it.”

“Fair enough.”

The house was rammed with people—none of whom I knew. As Jack was the designated driver, I figured a little alcohol might help me to get through the ordeal, so I headed for the kitchen. I downed one glass of something bubbly, and I’d just poured a second one when Jack walked in.

“She’s in here,” he said to someone behind him.

“I might have known she’d be where the booze is.” Kathy appeared at his shoulder.

“You can’t drink that,” Jack said to me.

“Who are you? My mother?” I took a drink.

“I thought you were driving us home,” he said.

“What? No. You drove us here.”

“Exactly, I thought we were sharing the driving.”

“You should have said before I had a drink.”

“I can’t drive,” he said. “I’ve had a drink now.”

“So have I.”

“You’ve only had a sip.”

“This is my second glass.”

“Don’t worry, guys,” Kathy said. “You can sleep here tonight. We’ve got plenty of room.”

“Thanks, Kathy,” Jack said.

There was no way I was staying there overnight, but I decided to keep schtum for the time being.

“This is where you all are.” Peter joined us.

“Jack and Jill are going to stay the night,” Kathy said.

“Great. I’ll make you one of my special breakfasts tomorrow morning.”

“So?” Kathy looked at me. “Where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“You know what. My present.”

Oh bum! Only then did I realise I’d left their anniversary present on the back seat of the car.

“I’ve left it in the car. I’ll go and—”

“You stay here,” Jack said. “I’ll nip and get it.” And off he shot.

“So chivalrous that hubby of yours,” Kathy said.

Chivalrous my backside. He’d only offered to get the present because he was scared that I might do a runner.

We were still in the kitchen when Jack returned, a little red in the face. I took the present from him, and as I passed it to Kathy, I said, “It’s what you asked us to get for you both, Kathy.”

She put it onto the table and began to peel back the wrapping paper. Jack was just as eager to see what was inside as they were.

“It’s a silver cutlery set,” Kathy said, as she fixed me with her gaze.

Ignoring the icy look, I said, “You did say that was something you both wanted, didn’t you?”

“I—err—”

“It’s lovely,” Peter said. “Thanks very much, both of you.”

“Do you like it, Kathy?” I said. “It is the one you showed me, isn’t it?”

“It’s great.” She forced a smile. “Pete, why don’t you take Jack and show him the rest of the house.”

“He’s seen it before.”

“Show him again.”

“Okay.”

Kathy bided her time until the two men were out of the kitchen, then she turned on me.

“Where’s my bracelet?”

“I thought you’d like this better.”

“We’ve got cutlery coming out of our ears.”

“You’ve also got more jewellery than most jewellers.”

“Why did you do it, Jill?”

“Because I didn’t think it was fair to Peter. It didn’t seem right to buy you something and not get anything for Peter.”

“You could have bought me the bracelet and bought something else for Pete.”

“Like golf balls? I don’t think so.”

“Why can’t we stay?” Jack said.

It was almost three hours since we’d arrived at the house, and they had been three of the longest hours of my life. Most of Kathy’s ‘new’ friends were all up their own backsides; the only thing they could talk about was their latest cosmetic surgery—and that was just the men.

“Because if I have to stay here another half-an-hour, I will do something that you’ll regret.”

“What do you mean?”

“See that woman over there.”

“What about her?”

“Don’t you think she looks like a hamster?”

“What? No.”

“If I don’t get out of here soon, she will do. For real.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that if we don’t leave, I will start changing people into the animal or insect they resemble.”

“I’ll call a taxi.”

Chapter 24

I woke at seven o’clock the next morning and, try as hard as I might, I couldn’t get back to sleep. Jack, though, was having no such problems. It didn’t seem fair that I should be awake and that he was still asleep, so I gave him an elbow to his side.

What? It was only a gentle nudge. It’s not like I broke one of his ribs.

“What’s up?” He sat up in bed. “It’s only seven.”

“I didn’t want you to be late into the store.”

“I told you that I don’t have to be in until nine today.”

“Did you? I must have forgotten. Anyway, now you’re awake, you can bring me breakfast in bed.”

“No chance.” He lay back down. “Why don’t you bring me breakfast in bed?”

“Come on, Jack, it’s only fair you do it.”

“How do you work that out? I’m the only one who has to work today.”

“Have you forgotten I have to be Flathead’s assistant at the church fete?”

“Oh yeah.” He laughed. “I wish I could be there to see that. I might ask Kiki or Monty to cover for me for half-an-hour while I come and watch you.”

“I’m glad you think it’s funny. If you won’t bring me breakfast in bed, will you at least make me a full English?”

“Go on, then.”

“You’re the best.”

At least with a solid breakfast inside me, I might somehow be able to get through the awful day ahead. Jack had only been downstairs for a few minutes when I heard someone knock at the door. Who on earth would call at this time on a Sunday morning? Someone very inconsiderate, that’s who. Grandma was my first thought, but she wouldn’t have bothered to knock. I could hear Jack talking to someone, but I couldn’t tell who it was, nor what was being said. I was just about to cast the ‘listen’ spell but then I heard the door close.

Moments later, Jack popped his head around the door and, for some reason, he had a huge grin on his face.

“Who was that at the door?” I said.

“Mr Flatley.”

“I might have known. What did that idiot want? Please tell me he’s found himself a new assistant.”

“Far from it. He brought something for you.”

“What?”

Only then did Jack step inside the room.

“No!” I said.

“It’s lovely.” He held up the dress, which could only be described as a nightmare of pink and lace.

“I’m not wearing that thing!”

“You have to. Mr Flatley said he had bought it especially for you.”

“It’s horrible.”

“No, it isn’t. I told him that I thought it was ideal for a magician’s assistant.”

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“A little, yeah.”

“I’ll get my own back. Just you see if I don’t. Now, where’s my full English?”

“I’ll get straight on it. I’ll leave this here for you.” He placed the dress carefully onto the bed.

It didn’t look any better close-up.

Breakfast was delicious, but it was spoiled somewhat by having to look at Jack’s stupid grin.

“Don’t you have to be at the store?”

“Not for another few minutes. I thought you might put on the dress for me to see before I left.”

“No chance. I don’t intend to wear that monstrous thing for one minute longer than is strictly necessary.”

“Oh well.” He shrugged. “I guess I’ll just have to wait for the church fete. Do you think I should call Kathy, to tell her and Peter to come over?”

“Only if you’re tired of living. If I see my sister at the fete, you can find somewhere else to sleep for the next month. And before you suggest it, the same applies if you send her a photograph.”

“Spoilsport.”

***

To take my mind off the church fete, I decided to pay the grumps another visit. First, though, I had to get the book of jokes that Winky had promised to get for me. I couldn’t be bothered to drive there, so I magicked myself directly into my office.

“Jeez, Jill.” Winky almost fell off the sofa. “You nearly scared me to death.”

“You’re already dead. Remember?”

“Why couldn’t you come through the door like everyone else?”

“Because I’m in a hurry. Where is it?”

“Where’s what?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten? You promised to get your joke book for me.”

“Right, yeah. Slight problem there.”

“Winky, you promised!”

“I tried my best. I went to see Jimmy, and I looked all through my stuff that he’s been keeping for me, but there was no sign of the joke book.”

“That’s just great. How am I supposed to get an audience with Winnie De Hoo if I can’t make the grumps laugh?”

“All is not yet lost.”

“How do you mean?”

“You don’t really think I’d let you down, do you?”

“You’ve done it plenty of times before.”

“That’s not true. Do you want to know what I’ve come up with or not?”

“Yes, tell me.”

“As I couldn’t find the book, I set about trying to remember some of my best jokes.”

“And did you?”

“Yes.” He picked up a sheet of paper and handed it to me.

“There’s only six of them.”

“Yes, but they’re all twenty-four carat crackers, guaranteed to make anyone laugh.”

I skimmed through them and found myself chuckling at each one, which I took to be a good sign.

“See,” Winky said. “What did I tell you?”

“Okay, these will have to do, I guess.”

“What about my extra salmon?”

“You’ll only get that if one of these makes the grumps laugh.”

Before he could argue the toss, I magicked myself to Candlefield Lake where the three grumps were still resting on the rocks.

“Look who’s back,” said the tallest one.

“Didn’t think we’d see you back here,” said another.

“I still want to see Mrs De Hoo,” I said.

“You and half of Candlefield.”

“You said if I could make you laugh that you would arrange for me to meet with her.”

“That’s true, but if the so-called joke you told us last time is anything to go by, there’s precious little chance of that happening.”

“I have more jokes.” I held up the sheet of paper that Winky had given to me. “These are guaranteed to have you rolling around with laughter.”

“A bold claim.”

“May I?”

“Go ahead. Give it your best shot.”

The first joke, which I personally thought was the best of the bunch, involved a chicken, an armadillo and a box of popcorn. That went down like a lead balloon. Not one of the grumps so much as cracked a smile.

“Come on, guys, that was funny.”

“Try us with another one.”

So, I did. This one was about three clowns on a boat, and it made me titter even as I told it. But my titter was the only titter to be heard because once again it fell on stony ground.

“Okay, you’re bound to like this one.”

They didn’t. The joke, which was about a monster who had eaten his gerbil by mistake, had exactly the opposite effect to the one I’d intended.

“That’s horrible,” said one of the grumps.

“So sad,” said another.

“It wasn’t sad. It was funny because the monster—”

“Stop right there!” One of the grumps held up his hand. “If you have to explain a joke, it isn’t funny.”

The next three jokes were no more successful. Dejected, I made one last appeal.

“Come on, guys. Surely, I deserve some credit for trying, at least. It’s really important that I see Mrs De Hoo. What do you say?”

The three of them conferred for a full five minutes before one of them announced, “No can do. Granting you an audience without making us laugh would be to set a precedent.”

“Please. Mrs De Hoo is my last hope. There must be something I can do.”

“There is. Come back with a better joke.”

Frustrated, I magicked myself back to the office.

“Well?” Winky said. “Did you have them rolling on the floor with laughter?”

“Those jokes of yours didn’t even make them smile.”

“That’s impossible.”

“They’re a tough audience.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“You mean what are you going to do now. You have to come up with some better jokes, and you have to do it quickly. I’ll be back after the church fete is over.”

***

The church fete was due to open at two o’clock, but Flathead had asked me to be there for one-thirty, so we could prepare for his act. I’d arrived at one-thirty on the dot, but there was no sign of that idiot.

“What a pretty dress.” Grandma appeared at my side. “You should wear dresses more often.”

“I look ridiculous.” I sighed.

“Actually, you’re right, but it won’t matter because no one will be looking at you. When does the magic show start?”

“The fete opens at two and we’re supposed to start our show at two-fifteen. That’s if Flathead ever shows up.”

“Sorry I’m late.” Flathead came running towards us. Red in the face, he was dressed in the same outfit he’d worn when I’d visited his house. “I had to iron my trousers.”

“I’ll leave you to it,” Grandma said, as she made her exit.

“What do you think of the dress I picked out for you, Jill?”

“Actually, I think it makes me look like—”

“It cost me sixty pounds, but don’t worry, you can reimburse me later.”

“Do what?”

“We can settle up later.” He checked his watch. “Time to get the show on the road. Break a leg.”

I would have liked to have broken his leg. Both of them in fact.

From somewhere, Flathead produced a megaphone and announced, “Ladies, gentlemen and children, Flatley’s World of Magic is about to begin. Gather around. Gather around.”

He’d even had the cheek to steal the name of my show, but I didn’t really care because the less I had to do with this charade, and the sooner it was over, the better. Within a couple of minutes, a crowd had gathered, all eager to be entertained.

“Before we start,” Flathead said. “I should introduce myself. I am the Great Flatley, master magician. And this pretty young—or maybe not so young—thing is my assistant: Rose Petal. Please give her a round of applause.”

I’d give him Rose Petal when this ordeal was over. For now, though, I had to endure the laughter of the onlookers. One person in the crowd seemed to be laughing louder than everyone else, and it was a laugh that I recognised.

Jack!

What was he doing here? He should have been manning the store but, instead, he was having a belly laugh at my expense.

“For my first illusion, I will need the help of my assistant. Please step over here, Rose.” Flatley held out his hand.

I was tempted to twist it up his back until he screamed for mercy, but I figured the quicker I played along, the sooner it would all be over.

“Are you ready, Rose?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Excellent. Please hold out your arm in front of you.”

I had absolutely no idea what he was about to do, but I did as he asked. Moments later, when he produced a sword, I regretted that decision. So much so that I pulled my arm back to my side.

“Put your arm out,” Flatley said under his breath.

“Is that thing real?” I whispered back.

“Shush, are you trying to spoil the illusion?”

Against my better judgement, I raised my arm again, to the applause of the crowd, which had now doubled in size.

“Okay,” Flathead said. “The squeamish amongst you may want to look away now.” He laughed. “Just joking.”

And then, as he swung the sword in an arc, I closed my eyes and braced for the inevitable. At the sound of the cheers and applause, I reopened my eyes to find my arm was still attached to my body.

How had he done that? Was Flathead a wizard? No, he couldn’t be. I would have known.

Word was spreading like wildfire, and soon the crowd had doubled again. Buoyed by the reaction of the onlookers, Flathead proceeded to perform more illusions, each one more impressive than the previous one. For the most part, I was little more than a spectator, occasionally assisting him with his props. The whole performance was flawless, and it received a well-deserved round of applause.

“Rose, take a bow,” he whispered.

I did as he said, but I felt something of a fraud because I had done nothing.

“That was amazing,” Jack said when he came up to me as the crowd were dispersing.

“How come you aren’t at the store?”

“I wasn’t going to miss this, but I’ll have to get back there now. That dress really does suit you.”

“Get stuffed”

“What’s wrong with you?” Grandma had appeared at my side.

“This dress is what’s wrong with me. I’ll never live it down.”

“Still, look on the bright side.”

“What bright side?”

“I won the jam making competition.” She began to cackle.

I’d had quite enough of the church fete, so I magicked myself to the office.

“What do you look like?” Winky laughed.

“Don’t you start. I’m not in the mood. You’d better have come up with some more jokes.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got one for you.”

“One? Is that all?”

“This one is a killer. No one can hear it and keep a straight face.” He handed me a slip of paper on which he’d written the joke.

“You’d better be right because this is my last hope of seeing Winnie De Hoo.”

For the third time, I magicked myself to Candlefield Lake where the grumps were seated in their usual spot.

I’d no sooner arrived than all three of them broke into laughter. They laughed so hard that one of them almost fell off the rock.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “I haven’t even told you the joke yet.”

There was no response for several seconds, but when one of them eventually managed to stop laughing, he said, “Forget the joke. That dress is the funniest thing I’ve seen in years.”

Charming.

“Does that mean I get an audience with Mrs De Hoo?”

“Absolutely. Anyone who is prepared to wear that monstrosity deserves no less.”

Chapter 25

The next morning at breakfast, Jack and I were both eating the same thing for a change: toast and jam washed down with a nice cup of tea.

“Run it by me again, Jill, I’m still not sure I get it.”

“It’s really quite simple. I need to see Winnie De Hoo because she has the most comprehensive archive of spells in Candlefield. But in order to get an audience with her, I had to make the grumps laugh.”

“Which you did. Or should I say, your dress did.”

“That’s right.”

“So, you get to see this Winnie character now?”

“Yes, but not until Thursday because her diary is full until then.”

“Right. I think I know what everyone will be talking about at the store today.”

“My awful dress, probably.”

“I was actually thinking about Mr Flatley’s performance. It was breathtaking.”

I shrugged. “It was alright, I suppose.”

“Come on, Jill, I know you don’t like the guy, but you have to give credit where it’s due. How did he do that thing with the sword?”

“How would I know?”

“Is he a wizard?”

“No, I would know if he was. Anyway, talking about Flathead, I need you to do me a favour.”

“What?”

“Take that stupid dress back to him.”

“I assumed it was yours to keep?”

“He wants to charge me sixty quid for it. He can whistle for that. If you take it back, he can’t expect me to pay for it, can he?”

“Why do I have to take it?”

“Because you love me.” I gave him a quick kiss. “And besides, I have to get going. Oh, and by the way, I’ll probably be late home tonight, so I’ll get my own dinner.”

“What are you doing?”

“It’s for one of the cases I’m working on. I’ll tell you all about it when I get home.”

***

“Good morning, Jules.”

“Morning, Jill. Did you see Mr Petty on your way in?”

“No, thank goodness.”

“He was around here a few minutes ago. He said he needed to talk to you about something urgently.”

“Did he say what?”

“No. I did ask but he wouldn’t tell me.”

“Okay.”

“Did you make the bumps laugh?” Winky asked.

“It’s grumps. And yes, I did.”

“Didn’t I tell you that joke was a killer?”

“It wasn’t the joke that made them laugh. It was my dress.”

“Priceless.” He laughed. “Why aren’t you wearing it this morning? I could do with cheering up.”

“I’m never wearing that awful thing again.”

Just then, the door opened, and Mr Petty stepped into my office. Behind him, Jules mouthed an apology.

“I take it you’ve heard,” Petty said.

“Heard what?”

Without being invited, he took a seat. “It’s totally outrageous. I don’t know how they think they can get away with it.”

“Who can get away with what?”

“The management company of this building of course.”

“What have they done?”

“Replaced Honey Dew with Citrus Cascade.”

“In English?”

“I’ve just told you. They’ve replaced Honey Dew with Citrus Cascade.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I assume you have the automatic air fresheners in the ladies’ loos?”

“Err, yeah.”

“Ever since I moved into this building, the fragrance in the dispenser has been Honey Dew, which I’m sure you will agree is as near perfection as one can get.”

“I have no idea what the—”

“But then, this morning, when I was doing—well it doesn’t matter what I was doing, but my nostrils were assaulted by a totally alien aroma, which most certainly wasn’t Honey Dew, so I put a call in to the management company where someone called Frisbee said—”

“Frisbee?”

“I think so, although I suppose it could have been Billy. Anyway, they said that all the air fresheners were being transitioned to Citrus Cascade. Obviously, I expressed my displeasure, but he said it was above his pay grade.”

“I take it you don’t like the Citrus Cascade?”

“That’s hardly the point, is it?”

“Isn’t it?”

“Of course not. The point is that major changes should not simply be pushed through without consultation with the stakeholders.”

“Still, if the fragrance is—”

“Which is precisely why I’ve started a petition.” He had been holding one hand behind his back, but he now produced a clipboard and placed it onto my desk. “I’m sure you’ll want to sign it.”

After a quick assessment of my options, I decided it would be easier to simply sign his stupid petition. Better that than to waste another ten minutes explaining why I didn’t want to, so I scribbled my name and then handed the clipboard back to him.

“Thank you, Jill. It’s important that we don’t let these people walk all over us.”

“Sorry about that, Jill,” Jules said after he’d left. “He’d barged in before I could stop him.”

“That’s okay. Did you realise they’d changed the air fresheners in the loos?”

“No, but then they all smell the same to me. By the way, I haven’t had any joy tracking down an address for Mrs Jobbs yet.”

“Keep trying, would you?”

“Sure.”

“He’s right, you know,” Winky said.

“Who’s right?”

“Petty. Honey Dew is far superior to Citrus Cascade.”

“How would you know? You don’t use the loos. Do you?”

“Where else do you think I do my—”

“Stop! Stop! I don’t want to know.”

I’d just finished my cup of tea when I got a phone call from Mad.

“Are you busy, Jill?”

“Not right at the moment.”

“Could I pop over for a few minutes?”

“Sure.”

“Great, I’ll be with you shortly.”

Ten minutes later, Mad walked into my office. To say she looked flustered would have been an understatement.

“Are you okay, Mad?”

“Not really.”

“What’s up? Is Brad alright?”

“Yeah, we’re both okay. It’s my mother.”

“Deli? I only saw her the other day. What’s happened? Is she ill?”

“No. Well, not unless you class losing her mind as an illness.”

“You’d better take a seat. Can I get you a drink?”

“No, I’m fine. I just needed someone to vent to. Sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologise. Goodness knows I’ve vented to you enough times. What has Deli done? When I saw her, she mentioned that she was thinking of coming out of retirement.”

“Oh, she’s done that alright. And then some.”

“What on earth has she done?”

“She’s only gone and bought a window-cleaning business.”

“Window cleaning?” That wasn’t exactly the revelation I’d been expecting. Given Mad’s extreme reaction, I’d half-expected her to say that Deli had become a hit woman. “Is that so bad?”

“It’s terrible.”

“Sorry, I don’t—err—”

“She isn’t cleaning windows in houses. She’s cleaning windows in office blocks.”

“Like this one?”

“Yeah, some taller than this.”

“Yikes. That sounds dangerous.”

“No kidding. You’ve seen those cradles they use, haven’t you?”

“I have. It terrifies me just to look at them. What possessed her to take that on? Is it something she’s expressed an interest in doing before?”

“No, she rarely cleans her own windows.”

“Then why?”

“It’s all Nails’ fault. Mum had said she wanted to find something to do, and Nails spotted the window cleaning business for sale. It seems they’d been trying to sell it for ages, but there were no takers, so Mum picked it up for a song.”

“Didn’t you try and talk her out of it?”

“I would have done if I’d known what she was planning, but the first I heard about it was when it was mission accomplished. I’m just waiting to get a call to say the two of them have plunged to their deaths.”

***

When I’d followed John Longflower to Crossover, I’d seen something that had changed the whole course of my investigation. Based on that discovery, I was confident that he would be visiting Crossover again today. This time, I planned to confront him and see what he had to say for himself.

“What can I get for you?” said the werewolf behind the counter.

“Could I get a lemonade, please?”

“Nothing stronger?” he said.

“No, thanks. I’m working.”

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but aren’t you Jill Gooder?”

“I used to be, but I’ve been Jill Maxwell for a long time.”

“Sorry, of course. I must have watched the video of you in the Levels Competition a thousand times.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes. The first time I saw it I was only a kid.”

Way to make me feel ancient.

“Right, well, thanks for the drink.”

I found a quiet corner from where I had a good view of both entrances: the one in Candlefield, and the one I’d just come through in Washbridge. I’d only been there a matter of minutes when he walked through the Candlefield entrance. I watched as he went to the counter, ordered a coffee and took a seat at a table close to the other entrance. It was another twenty minutes before the person he was waiting for made his entrance. That was my cue to make a move, and I hurried over to join the two of them.

“Good evening, gentlemen.”

They both gave me the same puzzled look.

“My name is Jill Maxwell, and I know that one of you is John Longflower, but I’m not sure which one of you that is.” They exchanged a glance but neither of them responded, so I continued, “Let me guess. I’d say it was you.” I pointed to the man who had just entered through the Washbridge entrance. “Am I right?”

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Why don’t the three of us sit down, and I’ll explain everything.”

“I really should be going,” said the man who wasn’t John Longflower.

“A few minutes won’t make any difference. Lorraine will still be waiting for you when you get home.”

“How do you know Lorraine?” asked John Longflower.

“Can we take a seat?”

Once we were seated at a quiet table, I told them that I had been hired by Lorraine.

“I told you something like this would happen,” John said.

“What choice did we have?” said his identical twin.

“What did Lorraine tell you?” John asked me.

“She’s been concerned by your behaviour recently. In her words, you’ve been acting completely out of character.”

“I knew it,” he said. “What have you been doing?” He pointed a finger at his twin brother.

“Nothing. I did everything you told me to.”

“You can’t have, or we wouldn’t be in this mess.” He turned to me. “What have you told Lorraine?”

“When she first hired me, I told her that this had all the classic signs of someone who was cheating on their partner.”

“I would never do that.”

“That’s what your wife said.”

“It’s true. I’ve never so much as looked at another woman since Lorraine and I got together. But of course, there were some things that I couldn’t share with her.”

“That you’re a sup, for example.”

“Exactly.”

“Does she know that you have a twin brother?”

“No. I didn’t tell her about Alan because he lives in Candlefield. This is such a mess.”

“You’re right. It is. Can I just check that I understand what has been happening? It appears to me that you, John, are going into the office every day, but then after work, you come here and swap places with Alan. Am I right so far?”

He nodded.

I continued, “Then you, Alan, go home to Lorraine and pretend to be John.”

“That’s right,” Alan said.

“Okay, now here’s the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question: Why?”

Neither of them seemed keen to respond, but eventually, John said, “It’s complicated.”

“It isn’t complicated. It’s insane, is what it is. Why would you allow your brother to pretend he’s you, and spend every night with your wife?”

Alan jumped in. “Nothing untoward happens. I always sleep in a separate bedroom.”

“That’s as maybe, but it doesn’t explain why you’re doing it.”

They looked like rabbits caught in the headlights.

“I’m waiting!”

“We have to tell her,” Alan said.

John nodded. “It would be easier for me to show you rather than to try and explain.”

“Show me what?”

“Come with me.” He stood up.

“Shall I come too?” Alan said.

“No.” John put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You stay here.”

I had no idea where he was going, but I followed as he made his way across the room. When he reached the toilets, he stopped outside the men’s and said, “Wait here while I check there’s no one inside.”

“I’m not going in there with you.”

“You have to. It’s the only way you’ll ever understand.”

“Okay, but any funny business and you’ll be sorry.”

He stepped in to make sure the coast was clear and then beckoned me inside.

“Stand with your back to the door so no one can come in,” he said.

I did as he said. “What now?”

He took off his jacket and began to unbutton his shirt.

“Stop! What do you think you’re doing?”

“You’ll see.” He continued to unbutton his shirt and then pulled it open.

I stared, aghast, at his bare chest. “What the—?”

“Now you see why I can’t go home to Lorraine in the evenings.”

Written on his chest were the words: I am not human. I’m a wizard from the supernatural world. This is not a joke.

“Why would you get that tattooed on your chest? Were you drunk?”

“I didn’t do it.”

“Did someone else do it while you were drunk?”

“No, and it isn’t actually a tattoo.”

“It looks an awful lot like one from where I’m standing.”

“It was done to me by another wizard.”

“Why did he do it? And why did you allow him to?”

“I didn’t allow him to. He did it to punish me.”

“What on earth did you do?”

“Nothing. Not really.”

“You must have done something.”

“I met him in a bar one night after work. He seemed a decent enough kind of guy. Anyway, we got talking about what we did for a living. I told him what I did, and he asked me for some tips. I should have said no, but I suppose I was showing off a little, so I mentioned a few stocks that I expected to perform well over the next couple of months.”

John hesitated, so I prompted him to continue.

“And?”

“And I thought no more about it. Then, about three months later, I saw him again. He went ballistic on me. Said he’d invested half of his life savings in the stocks I’d mentioned, and he’d lost almost all of it. I tried to explain that these things are never guaranteed and that I would never have mentioned them if I’d known he was going to speculate large sums of money. That did nothing to placate him. He insisted I reimburse him the money he’d lost. When I refused, he did this to me.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. He cast some kind of spell, but I have no idea what it was. Now, you see why I can’t go home to Lorraine. If she saw it—it just doesn’t bear thinking about.”

“But you can’t continue with the existing arrangement indefinitely.”

“I know, but what else can I do?”

“Maybe I’ll be able to convince him to reverse the spell. I can be very persuasive when I want to be. What’s his name and where can I find him?”

“I wish I knew. I have no idea where he lives.”

“You must know his name at least?”

“He told me he was called Sepp.”

“Sepp?”

“Yeah. Sepp Tick. I think he may have made that up, though.”

“You reckon? What a mess.”

Just then, someone tried to push open the toilet door, but I put all my weight against it, to keep it closed.

“Let me in. I need the loo!”

Fasten your shirt,” I said to John. “Let’s talk back at the table.”

When the man saw John and me leave the loo together, he grinned and gave John what I assume was a knowing wink. There goes my reputation.

“Did you show her?” Alan asked once we were back at the table.

“He did,” I confirmed. “This is one heck of a mess.”

“Are you going to tell Lorraine?” John said.

“How can I? What would I say? Your husband is actually a wizard from the supernatural world? And that another wizard has branded him accordingly. I don’t think so.”

“What are you going to do, then?”

“I have to somehow find a way to get rid of that tattoo or whatever it is.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to do that?”

“I’ve no idea. Hopefully. Give me your phone number and I’ll contact you when I’ve figured something out.”

There was little wonder that Lorraine Longflower felt like her husband was a changed man. For some time now, she’d been sharing her home with her brother’s identical twin, who she didn’t even know existed. Needless to say, I couldn’t tell her that.

Chapter 26

It had been a long day and all I really wanted to do was to go home and chill out in front of the TV, but I still had work to do. Jude Rockmore had lied to me when I’d asked him when he’d last seen Randy Candy. He’d told me that he hadn’t seen him for several weeks, but according to Ruby-Anne, the receptionist at Bottled-It, Randy had visited the factory on the same day that he’d disappeared. I planned to confront Jude about his lie, but first I wanted to take a look around his office, to see if I could find out more about the man, about whom I knew very little.

According to Jude, the Bottled-It factory stopped production at seven o’clock, so as I had time to kill, I paid a visit to Cuppy C where Amber and Pearl were both behind the counter.

“Hi, girls.”

“Jill, can you settle an argument, please?” Pearl said.

“I’ll try.”

“Which one of us is tallest? Amber insists it’s her, but I’m clearly at least half an inch taller.”

“Rubbish,” Amber said. “Tell her, Jill, will you?”

“Stand together. Back-to-back.”

They did as I said.

“You’re exactly the same height.”

“Rubbish,” Pearl said. “You need your eyes testing.”

“She only said that because she doesn’t want to upset you, Pearl,” Amber said. “You can be honest, Jill. Tell her that I’m the tallest.”

“You’re the same height. Now, is there any chance I can get a drink? I’ve got a long night ahead.”

“Are you working?”

“Yeah, I’m going to a factory called Bottled-It.”

“That’s who we get most of our soft drinks from,” Pearl said. “What do you want with them?”

“I’m looking for a missing man who was last seen there.”

“Maybe they pulped him, and put him into their strawberry surprise,” Amber said.

“That really would be a surprise.” Pearl laughed.

“Hopefully not. By the way, are you having another karaoke night this week?”

“We’re not going to hold any more of them.”

“What? Never?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Too many people tried to cheat the last time,” Amber said.

“Including you two.”

“Yes, but we only did it because we realised everyone else was. If it had been a fair competition, we’d have won easily.”

“If you say so. Still waiting for that coffee.”

The twins were still debating which of them was taller when I took a seat by the window. While I was in there, I figured I might as well take the opportunity to see if I could find a spell that might help John Longflower. What to search on, though? The text on his chest wasn’t actually a tattoo, at least not in the conventional sense, but I had to start somewhere so I searched on the term ‘tattoo’. That returned a single result titled ‘Hide Tattoo’, which didn’t actually remove a tattoo but, as the name suggested, hid it. Although that didn’t sound like a long-term solution, it might work as a stopgap that would allow John to return to his home and wife. I read the full description that stated the spell could hide any tattoo. That was all well and good, but the writing on John’s chest wasn’t, strictly speaking, a tattoo. Still, it was worth a try, so I gave him a call.

“Jill? I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

“I may have found a spell that could help.”

“May have?”

“It’s supposed to hide tattoos.”

“But this isn’t a tattoo.”

“I know that, but it’s worth a try, even as just a stopgap. Don’t you think?”

“Sure. I don’t have anything to lose by trying it.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m at Alan’s place.”

“Where is Alan?”

“He’s already gone home to Lorraine.”

“Right. If you give me the address of Alan’s place, I’ll pop over there now, and we can see if this spell will do the trick.”

“Sure.”

Alan’s house was only a ten-minute walk from Cuppy C, so I hurried over there. Clearly keen to rid himself of the incriminating tattoo, John was waiting at the open door, and he ushered me inside.

“I really do appreciate you doing this, Jill,” he said as he led the way into the kitchen.

“Don’t thank me yet. Let’s see if it works first. Take your shirt off.”

Minutes later, he was standing bare-chested in front of me.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Yeah. Go for it.”

I cast the spell.

“It’s not working,” he said.

“Give it a minute.”

We both stared at the writing on his chest, and I was just beginning to think it was a bust when the letters slowly began to fade.

“It’s working!” he blurted out.

“Looks like it.”

Five minutes later, and the text had completely disappeared.

“You did it!”

“Don’t get too excited yet. You have to remember that the text is still there, and that the spell has just hidden it.”

“Will it stay hidden?”

“I have no idea. I hope so.”

“Does this mean I can go home to Lorraine?”

“I don’t see why not. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find a more permanent solution before this one wears off.”

“Great. It’s too late for me to go home today, but I’ll let Alan know that, from tomorrow, he needn’t swap places with me. I don’t know how to thank you, Jill.”

“That’s okay, but you’re not out of the woods yet. You need to show Lorraine that you are the man she married.”

“I will.”

“You must because, obviously, I can’t tell her what really happened. Hopefully, if she feels like the problem has passed, she’ll ask me to end my investigation.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll get rid of any doubts she may have.”

“Okay, great.”

John put his shirt back on. “Would you like something to drink?”

“No, thanks. There’s somewhere I have to be.”

***

Because of my diversion to see John, it was almost eight o’clock by the time I got to Bottled-It. The offices were on the front of the building and, as expected, they were in darkness. Before magicking myself inside, I went around to the back of the building where I was less likely to be seen by a passing car.

I’d expected the factory to be silent and in darkness too, but I could hear the sound of machinery from inside the building, and I could see light streaming through the narrow windows, which ran along the top of the wall. But then I remembered that Jude had told me they carried out maintenance of the production lines during the evening, which meant I might have to use the ‘invisible’ spell.

Once I’d magicked myself inside, I was surprised to see that the production lines appeared to be in full flow. Jude had told me they were particularly busy, so perhaps they’d had to extend their hours, in order to keep up with demand. It was quite mesmerising to watch the empty bottles pass overhead in one direction, and then to see the same bottles, which were now full of juice, return in the opposite direction. I was still staring at them when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone move to the far end of the production line, where the bottles were placed, automatically, in crates. It was Jude.

On my previous visit, there had been several workers manning the production line, but now Jude appeared to be here alone. I continued to watch, as he carried the crates full of juice over to the loading bay, where he placed them into the back of a large van. Intrigued, I cast the ‘invisible’ spell and made my way over there and waited until Jude was back at the production line.

A quick look inside revealed that the van was almost full of crates, and a closer examination showed that they were all the same flavour.

Blueberry juice.

Daze had told me about the blueberry shortage in the sup world, and how she suspected that the missing blueberries might be being sent to the human world as juice, where they would attract much higher prices. Is that where these bottles were headed? I had come to the factory looking for Randy Candy, but the fact that the juice was being bottled at night, when the factory would normally have been closed, was very suspicious. I owed it to Daze to find out what was happening, so I climbed into the van, moved to the very back, and made myself as comfortable as possible. It took Jude another twenty minutes to finish loading the van, after which he closed the doors, plunging me into near darkness.

Moments later, the engine started, and the van began to reverse. After a brief stop during which I heard the factory’s roller-door closing, the van set off. All I could do now was to wait. I was well aware this could be a complete red herring, and that Jude might be delivering the juice to somewhere in the sup world, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

It was almost two hours later when the van stopped momentarily before reversing again. When the van doors opened, my suspicions were confirmed. We were in the loading bay of a large warehouse, and although I didn’t know exactly where we were, the two men who began to unload the juice were clearly humans. Still invisible, I climbed out of the van and made my way to the front of the warehouse, where a sign read Washbridge Drinks Distributors.

Chapter 27

“You look tired,” Jack said over breakfast. “What time did you get in last night?”

“Late.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Yes and no. I didn’t get what I originally set out to find, but I did solve a mystery that Daze and Blaze have been working on.”

“Anything interesting?”

“Blueberries.”

“Blueberries?” He laughed. “Serious stuff, then?”

“You can scoff, but it’s a big deal in Candlefield. There’s been a widespread shortage of them because someone has been exporting them to the human world, where they sell at a much greater profit.”

“I take it you tracked down the culprit?”

“Yeah, they’re making blueberry juice in Candlefield and bringing the bottles to a distributor here in Washbridge.”

“Daze must be pleased with you.”

“She doesn’t know yet. I’ll let her know later this morning.”

“By the way, your grandmother came over last night.”

“What did she want?”

“I don’t really know.”

“Did she want to see me?”

“She asked if you were in, and when I said no, she said it didn’t matter. I said I could try and contact you, but she said not to bother.”

“So, she just left?”

“Yeah. Well, she asked if she could use our loo first.”

“Did you let her?”

“Of course I did.”

“Did you go upstairs with her?”

“No. Why would I?”

I jumped up from the table and rushed upstairs. The door to the spare bedroom was slightly ajar, and when I pushed it open, my suspicions were confirmed. It was full of boxes, wall to wall, and floor to ceiling.

“What’s wrong?” Jack had followed me upstairs.

“This.” I pointed into the room.

“What?”

“All this lot!”

“What are you talking about?”

Only then, did the penny drop.

“You can’t see them, can you?”

“Can’t see what?”

“I’m going to kill her.”

Brushing past a very confused Jack, I hurried down the stairs and out of the house.

I hammered on the door until Grandma answered, wearing only a towel wrapped around her.

“Where’s the fire? I was just about to have a bath.”

“I need a word.” I pushed past her into the house.

“Come in, why don’t you?”

“How dare you?” I said.

“Take a bath?”

“You know very well what I’m talking about. I told you that you couldn’t store your stupid wandrooms in our house, and yet there they are in the spare bedroom.”

“You said that you didn’t have the room, but clearly you did.”

“What happened to the other stuff that was already in there?”

“I shrank it. It’s in a bag in a corner of that room.”

“I want them moved and I want them moved now.”

“It’s only for a couple of weeks. I’ve arranged to rent a small storage unit, but I can’t get access to it until then.”

“Two weeks? Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, then they’ll be gone.”

“What will you be paying for the storage unit?”

“Fifty pounds per week.”

“Right, in that case, you can pay me one hundred pounds per week until they’re removed.”

“That’s extortionate.”

“Take it or leave it. If you don’t pay, I’ll dump them in the village square.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

“You’re a hard woman, Jill Maxwell. Okay, one hundred pounds per week.”

“In advance.”

“I don’t have that kind of money on me.”

“Yes, you do. Under the mattress, probably.”

“Fine. Stay there.” She disappeared upstairs and came back clutching a handful of twenty-pound notes.

“Thank you. This only gets you two weeks. After that they have to go.”

“Yes, yes. Now, can I get my bath?”

“Just one more thing. You’ve obviously cast a spell so Jack can’t see the boxes. Will that work for anyone else who might venture up there?”

“Any human, yes.”

“Right.”

“What was that all about?” Jack asked when I got back to the house.

“Just collecting some money Grandma owed me.” I held up the cash.

“What’s that for?”

I explained to him about the deal we’d agreed upon.

“When will the wandrooms be coming?” he asked.

“They’re already here. She magicked them into the spare bedroom last night when she was pretending to go to the loo.”

“How come I can’t see them?”

“She cast a spell so that humans can’t see them.”

“And it’s just for two weeks?”

“That’s what she says, but we’ll see.”

***

“You’re looking very pleased with yourself,” Winky said.

“That’s because I’ve just made myself an easy two-hundred pounds.”

“Money does not equal happiness.”

“That’s rich coming from you. You’ll do anything if it means you can turn a quick buck.”

“You’re talking about the old Winky. Since I died, I’m a changed man.”

“That’s true; you’ve got twice as many eyes for a start.”

“I’m not talking about physical changes. Death has a way of putting into perspective what is and isn’t important.”

“And what is?”

“Good friends.”

“You don’t have any.”

“Of course I do.”

“What else?”

“Art, nature, good conversation. And of course, salmon.”

“I might have known that would be in the list somewhere.”

Just then, Jules came into the office with my cup of tea, but instead of putting it onto my desk, she stopped dead in her tracks and stared at something behind me.

“Jules? Are you okay?”

“Someone is waving to you, Jill.”

“Sorry?”

“Behind you. Outside. Look.”

I spun around in my chair, to find Deli, standing in a cradle, on the other side of the window. Considering how high she was from the ground, she looked remarkably relaxed, which was more than could be said for Nails, who was holding onto the sides of the cradle for dear life. With a squeegee in one hand, Deli beckoned me to open the window with her other hand. I took the tea from Jules who was still staring open-mouthed. “It’s okay, Jules, I know them.”

Once Jules was out of the room, I opened the window.

“I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re working, Jill,” Deli said.

“That’s okay. Mad told me you were cleaning windows.”

“She doesn’t approve.” Deli shrugged. “But then, she’s never approved of anything I’ve done.”

“It looks very dangerous.”

“Nah, it’s perfectly safe. I quite enjoy the fresh air and view from up here, but Nails is feeling a bit queasy. I’m sorry to have to ask this, but do you think he could climb through and make his way down the stairs?”

“Err, sure.”

“Nails! Come over here. Jill says you can get out through her office.”

“Can’t.” He gripped the rail even harder.

“Don’t be such a wuss. Get over here!”

Gingerly, and being careful not to look down, he edged his way towards the window.

“Get up on the rail,” Deli said. “And climb across.”

“I’ll fall.”

“No, you won’t. Jill and I will hold onto you until you’re inside, won’t we, Jill?”

“Err, yeah.”

He hesitated at first but then Deli gave him an encouraging kick up the backside. As he climbed onto the rail, his face was etched with fear.

“Don’t look down!” Deli barked at him, almost causing him to fall, but I grabbed his arms and managed to pull him in.

“Are you okay?” I asked, once he was inside.

“I feel sick.”

“The loo is down the corridor.”

He didn’t need telling twice and bolted out of the office.

“Sorry about that, Jill,” Deli said. “He doesn’t like heights.”

Which begged the question why they had bought a high-rise window cleaning business.

“That’s okay. Do you think I should go and check on him?”

“No, he’ll be fine once he’s thrown up. I just didn’t want him doing it out here on the poor souls below. Anyway, I’d better crack on. It’s going to take me twice as long now that I’m working solo. Thanks again.”

“What just happened?” Winky said once Deli had lowered the cradle out of sight.

“Don’t ask.”

I was eager to find out if the spell I’d used on John Longflower was still effective, so I gave him a call.

“John, it’s Jill Maxwell.”

“Good morning, Jill.”

“How’s things?”

“Amazing. That spell you cast seems to have done the trick.”

“Is the tattoo still invisible?”

“Yeah, there’s no sign of it. I was worried I might wake up and find it visible again, but there’s nothing to see.”

“Excellent.”

“What now, Jill? Lorraine is going to expect you to report back to her, isn’t she?”

“Yes, but I didn’t give her a timescale, so she probably won’t worry if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days. The next part of the plan, though, is up to you.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Now the tattoo has gone, you’ll be able to go home to Lorraine tonight.”

“I know. I can’t wait.”

“When you get home, you’ll need to show her that you’re the ‘old’ John. The one she married.”

“Don’t worry. I will.”

“There can’t be any half measures. You have to show her some serious loving if you know what I mean.”

“Don’t worry. I know exactly what you mean.”

“Good. Hopefully, if you can convince her that you’re back to your old self, she’ll pull me off the case.”

“Understood.”

“Good luck.”

***

It was time to share what I’d discovered about the blueberry juice with Daze, so I gave her a call.

“Daze, it’s Jill. Are you busy?”

“I’m at the dentist at the moment.”

“Right. Will you be in there long?”

“I’m not the one who’s getting treatment. Blaze has lost a filling, and he’s terrified of dentists, so I had to come with him to hold his hand.”

I laughed. “Do you think you could meet me in Cuppy C later?”

“Sure. We shouldn’t be long. How about we meet there in half an hour?”

“Okay. See you there.”

The twins were both on duty again and they were obviously buzzing about something.

“You two look very pleased with life.”

“We’ve come up with an amazeballs idea for Cuppy C.”

“Oh dear.”

“Don’t be so negative, Jill,” Amber said.

“Go on, then. What is it this time?”

“A talent competition.”

“Are you serious? After what happened with the karaoke night? Don’t you realise that everyone will just use the ‘autotune’ spell again?”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Pearl said. “Because the talent competition will be for any act other than singing.”

“Like what?”

“Anything. Comedians, juggling, dancing—that’s the beauty of it. The participants will be able to do literally anything. What do you think?”

“It’s worth a try, I suppose.”

“Could you sound any less enthusiastic?” Amber pouted.

“I’m sure it’ll be amazeballs. Is that better?”

Once I had my drink, I left the twins to discuss their new madcap idea. I didn’t have long to wait for Daze and Blaze because, ten minutes later, they appeared. Daze went straight to the counter while Blaze, who was holding his jaw, came and joined me.

“Did the dentist sort you out?” I asked.

He nodded but gestured that he couldn’t speak.

Daze, who joined us a couple of minutes later, had bought only one drink. Seeing this, Blaze pointed to himself.

“The dentist said you weren’t to have anything to drink for a couple of hours.” Daze smirked.

Clearly disgruntled, Blaze stood up and walked over to the toilet.

“Poor guy,” I said.

“He’s only had a filling replaced. You’d think he’d had major surgery to see how he carries on. What did you want to see us about?”

“I assume you’re still working on the blueberry case?”

“Yeah, and we’ve been getting nowhere fast. I’ve lost count of how many dead ends we’ve been down.”

“I might have something for you.”

“Really?”

“I’ve discovered a Candlefield business that is bottling blueberry juice and transporting it to a drinks distributor.”

“Really? How did you find out about them?”

“It was pure chance. I’m working on a totally unrelated issue—a missing person case, actually—and I had reason to visit the factory in question. It’s only supposed to be operational during the daytime, but when I paid it a visit afterhours, I found the production line in full flow—bottling blueberry juice.”

“There’s nothing illegal about them distributing it in the sup world. How do you know they’re taking it over to the human world?”

“Because I hid in the delivery van and saw where they made their delivery.”

Blaze rejoined us. He had been to the counter to buy himself a milkshake.

“The dentist said you weren’t supposed to drink,” Daze snapped at him.

Blaze spoke for the first time since he’d arrived, “He only said I shouldn’t drink hot liquids. Did I hear you say you’ve found out who’s taking the blueberry juice to the human world, Jill?”

“Yeah, but I can’t tell you who it is yet.”

“How come?” Daze said.

“I stumbled across this little setup when I was working on a missing person case. That case is still unfinished business. If you raid the business in question now, I’m worried that it might jeopardise my chances of finding the guy I’m looking for. I just wanted to give you a head’s up, so you’re ready to move. Are you okay with that?”

“We have the sum total of nothing so far,” Daze said. “Waiting a little longer until you’ve done your stuff is fine by me. Any idea how long you’ll need?”

“Not long, hopefully, but I’ll keep you posted.”

Chapter 28

Back at the office, Winky was tutting to himself.

“What’s wrong with you?” I said.

“That friend of yours doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing. Look at the streaks on these windows.”

To be fair, he wasn’t wrong. With the sun shining on that side of the building, numerous streaks were clearly visible.

“She’s new to the business.”

“I doubt that excuse will wash with your neighbour.”

Winky was right. It was Petty who’d persuaded the management company to change the window cleaner. If my windows were anything to go by, he’d be demanding another change.

“They should give me the contract,” Winky said.

“You?”

“Didn’t I ever tell you about the window cleaning business I used to run? It was called Feline Shine.”

“You’re so full of it.”

“I couldn’t make a worse job of them.”

“That might be true, but somehow I can’t see the management company awarding the contract to a dead cat.”

“Their loss.”

Jules, who had been on the phone when I arrived, burst into the room. “I’ve found her, Jill. Constance Jobbs. I’ve managed to track her down.”

“Great stuff. Is she still living in the Blackpool area?”

“No.”

“But you have an address for her?”

“Kind of.”

“What does that mean?”

“She’s in Seamore women’s prison.”

“What for?”

“Assault. It sounds like she hit a police officer who was trying to move her on.”

“Great. Still no luck finding Hodd, I assume?”

“No, she seems to have disappeared.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“What will you do about Jobbs?”

“Pay her a visit in the prison, I suppose. Will you find out how to arrange that?”

“Sure.”

“Why don’t you just magic yourself into the prison?” Winky asked, after Jules had left.

“I might have to, but I’d rather go through the official channels if I can.”

***

It was time for another visit to Bottled-It, but this time, I would be making my entrance through the front door.

“Hi again, Jill.” Ruby-Anne beamed. “Jude didn’t mention that you’d be coming in today.”

“He doesn’t know. Is he in?”

“Yeah, he’s in his office. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

She was about to pick up the phone, but I put my hand onto hers to stop her.

“Don’t bother. I know my way.”

“I really should let him know first.”

“It’s okay. I promise you won’t get into trouble.”

“Okay, then.”

As I crossed the factory, I kept my eyes peeled just in case Jude was on the shopfloor. He wasn’t.

Through his open office door, I could see him tapping away on his computer. He was so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn’t notice me step into his office, until I cleared my throat.

He stopped typing and looked up. “Jill? What are you—err—Ruby-Anne didn’t tell me you—”

“I told her that it would be okay.” I pushed the door closed behind me.

“What’s going on? Is something wrong? Is it Randy? Is he okay?”

“I was hoping you could tell me that.”

“Sorry, I don’t understand.”

“You can drop the pretence, Jude. I know.”

“Know what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Let’s start with the blueberries, shall we?”

His face fell, but he wasn’t ready to come clean just yet.

“Blueberries? What blueberries?”

“The ones you’ve been turning into juice, bottling and selling in the human world.”

“That’s ridiculous.” He scoffed. “I told you that I didn’t sell in the human world. And we don’t make blueberry juice here. You’ve seen our range of drinks.”

“I’ve seen the ones you showed me, but curiously that didn’t include the ones you produce afterhours.”

“I don’t know who’s been telling you this rubbish, but it isn’t true.”

“I was here last night, Jude. I saw the blueberry juice being bottled, and then I saw you take it to Washbridge Drinks Distributors, so can we drop the pretence?”

“Are you going to report me?”

“Eventually, but my priority right now is to find Randy. Did you kill him?”

“What? No! Randy and I have been friends forever. I would never harm him.”

“I’d like to believe you, but then I have to ask myself why you lied to me. You told me that you hadn’t seen him in weeks, but he was here at the factory on the night he disappeared.”

“Okay, I admit I lied about that, but I didn’t kill him. I would never do that.”

“Randy walked out on his job after an altercation with a customer. I now realise what sparked Randy’s reaction was seeing the bottle of blueberry juice that the man was drinking. He must have recognised the labelling or the bottle shape—I’m not sure exactly what—but something made him realise that it had come from Bottled-It. When he confronted you about it, you decided that you couldn’t risk him going to the authorities, so you murdered him. How am I doing?”

“You’re right. He did come to see me, and I told him that there was nothing to worry about, but he insisted I shut down the blueberry operation immediately.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I couldn’t because I’d signed contracts to supply a certain number of bottles over a six-month period. If I fail to honour that contract, I don’t get paid, and then the business really would be in trouble.”

“Didn’t you try to explain that to Randy?”

“Of course I did, but he insisted I had to shut down the operation immediately.”

“So, you killed him.”

“Randy isn’t dead.”

“You sent a text from his phone to his boss at the shop, and another one to his girlfriend, and then you killed him.”

“I sent the texts, yes, but I didn’t kill him.”

“Where is he then?”

“He’s a clown.”

“It strikes me that you’re the clown. Randy was trying to do the right thing, so you got rid of him.”

“You’re not listening to me. Randy really is a clown. An actual clown with a red nose and outsized shoes.”

“You’re going to have to explain that.”

“I couldn’t risk Randy doing anything that would jeopardise the blueberry juice contract, but it was obvious that I wasn’t going to convince him to drop it, so I had to come up with another plan. Circus Jolly was in town at the time. I’d been to see it a couple of days earlier with my niece and nephew. While I was there, I noticed they were advertising for clowns—no experience required.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you persuaded Randy to leave his job, and walk away from his family without a word, in order to join the circus as a clown?”

“Not quite.”

“What does that mean?”

“There’s no way I could have persuaded him to do that, so I had to do it another way.”

“Magic.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s despicable. I’m assuming you wiped his memory of his family and life here?”

“Yeah, but not permanently.”

“That was big of you.”

“As soon as I’ve fulfilled the blueberry juice contract, I’ll track down Randy and reverse some of the spells.”

“Some?”

“He’ll be able to remember his family and stuff like that, but he will have forgotten about the blueberry juice. He’ll just think he’s suffering from partial amnesia.”

“You really are a despicable individual, aren’t you?”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to find Randy and hopefully restore him to his former life.”

“What about me?”

“Expect a visit from two friends of mine any time now.” Right on cue, the phone on his desk rang. “That’ll be them.”

A few minutes later, Jude was being escorted from the building by Blaze.

“Did he tell you what he’d done with the body?” Daze asked me.

“He reckons Randy is still alive.”

“Do you believe him?”

“I’m not sure. His story is so crazy, it might just be true.”

I told Daze what Jude had told me about the circus.

“That’s insane,” she said.

“Agreed, but I hope it’s true for Randy’s sake. What will happen to Jude?”

“He’ll be charged with illegal selling to the human world.”

“Will he go to jail?”

“Possibly, but it’s unlikely if this is his first offence. He’s more likely to get a suspended sentence and a big fine.”

“What about this place?”

“That’s a different matter. He won’t be allowed to run any business for at least five years.”

***

After dinner, Jack and I retired to the lounge. I for one was looking forward to a quiet, uneventful evening.

“Do you believe his story about the circus?” Jack asked after I’d told him what had happened that day.

“Like I said to Daze, it’s just crazy enough to be true. I’ll soon find out once I’ve tracked down the circus.”

“Can we watch Green Pastures?” Humph said.

I hadn’t noticed that the stupid teddy bear was in the armchair.

“We’re not watching that rubbish,” I snapped.

“Actually, it isn’t bad,” Jack said.

“Since when have you been watching that soap?”

“Only recently. It was Humph who got me into it.”

“I might have known. That bear will watch any old rubbish.”

“Honestly, it’s not bad,” Jack insisted.

“Fine. I’ll listen to some music.” I put in my ear pods and one of my relaxing playlists.

That was fatal because the next thing I knew, Jack was shaking me.

“I’m going up to bed, Jill.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost ten o’clock.”

“Why did you let me sleep for so long?”

“You seemed so peaceful I didn’t like to disturb you.”

“You go up. I’ll come up in a while.”

“Okay.” He gave me a peck on the lips. “Goodnight.”

“Take that bear with you.”

“Goodnight, Jill.” Humph gave me a wink.

I hated it when I fell asleep like that. It felt like I’d wasted the whole evening, and I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep when I got into bed. It was all Humph’s fault; him and his stupid Green Pastures.

Thirty minutes later, and I was wide awake, but I figured I ought to go to bed and at least try to sleep. Before I could, though, my phone rang. Which idiot was calling me at this time of night? Caller ID showed it was John Longflower.

“John?”

He said something but he was speaking so quietly that I couldn’t make out a word he’d said.

“I can’t hear you, John. Can you speak up?”

He spoke a little louder, so I could just about make out what he was saying.

“I need your help, Jill.”

“What’s wrong? Why are you whispering?”

“I’m in the bathroom. I don’t want Lorraine to hear me.”

“What’s happened?”

“You know how you encouraged me to show Lorraine some loving.”

“Yeah?”

“We started to make out on the sofa, just like when we were teenagers.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, so we decided to take it upstairs. I came into the bathroom to freshen up and when I took off my shirt, it was back.”

“The tattoo?”

“Yeah, it’s like it was before you cast that spell. Lorraine is in the bedroom, waiting for me, but there’s no way I can join her with this on my chest.”

Oh bum! The spell had been designed to hide tattoos, but the writing on John’s chest wasn’t strictly speaking a tattoo, so its effectiveness had obviously been limited.

“Jill? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“You have to do something. Please.”

“Okay, stay put. I’ll magic myself over there now.”

“Be quick. Lorraine is calling me.”

Although I’d visited the Longflowers’ house, I’d never been upstairs, so I needed to know where the bathroom was before I magicked myself over there.

“John, where is the bathroom in relation to the lounge?”

“What?”

“I need to know exactly where you are so I can magic myself into the room with you.”

“Oh, right. Let me think. The master bedroom is actually directly above the lounge, and the en-suite is on the right-hand side of the bedroom.”

“Okay, I’m coming now.”

I magicked myself over there.

“Jill?” Lorraine screamed. “What are you doing here?”

Oh bum and double bum! Instead of being in the ensuite bathroom, I was in the master bedroom where Lorraine was sitting up in bed, staring at me in disbelief.

Trying to talk myself out of that situation would have been futile, so I cast the ‘forget’ spell, followed by the ‘sleep’ spell. Once I was sure she was asleep, I walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

“John, it’s me. Come out.”

He opened the door and stepped out.

“What happened?” he said.

“You said the bathroom was on the right.”

“It is. As you look at it from the landing.”

“I thought you meant—never mind.”

“Is Lorraine okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve cast the ‘forget’ spell on her, so she won’t remember me being here. Let me see.” I pointed to his PJ top.

He undid his top to reveal the text.

“What went wrong, Jill?”

“The spell I used clearly isn’t strong enough to last more than a day or so. I’ll cast it again.”

“But that’s not a solution. You can’t keep coming back here every couple of days.”

“I know, but it’s all I can do for now. At least you’ll be able to stay here tonight.” I glanced across at Lorraine. “Although, I don’t think there’ll be very much love action.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to find a permanent solution?”

“I don’t know. I really need to track down the wizard who did this to you. Are you sure you don’t know his real name because I’m pretty sure it isn’t Sepp Tick. Or is there anything else you can think of that might help me to find him?”

“Not really. Oh, hang on. There is one thing.”

“Yes?”

“He only has one leg. Well, he has two, but one of them is a prosthetic.”

“And you didn’t think to mention that before?”

“Sorry.”

“Never mind. I’ll see if I can track him down. Stand still while I cast that spell again.”

I did, and the text disappeared.

“Hopefully, that will be good for a couple of days.”

“What shall I do if it fades again?”

“You might have to revert to your original plan.”

“Have Alan swap places with me, you mean?”

“Yeah, but hopefully it won’t come to that.”

“Okay, thanks, Jill, and sorry for not mentioning the leg thing.”

Back at the old watermill, I reflected on the state of play on the two cases I was working on. Randy Candy may or may not still be alive, but I would only know that for sure if I could track down the circus in which he was now, supposedly, working as a clown. If that wasn’t crazy enough, I also had to find the one-legged wizard who had written the message on John Longflower’s chest. Unless I could locate him, and reverse the spell, it was doubtful that he and Lorraine would ever be reconciled.

Chapter 29

I’d just told Jack about my late-night dash to save John Longflower.

“I suppose I ought to be jealous that you were with a half-naked man, in his bathroom.” He grinned. “How are you going to find the one-legged wizard?”

“I wish I knew, but that’s only one of my problems. I also need to track down a circus somehow.”

“Can’t you just look online?”

“You’re forgetting there’s no internet in Candlefield.”

“That must be a bit of a bummer.”

“I actually prefer it that way most of the time. At least, over there, not everyone is walking around, looking down at their phones all the time, like they do here. But yeah, when it comes to trying to find information, it’s back to the old school methods.”

“Where will you start?”

“I was going to go to the library, but I figured Grandma owes me for the wandrooms, and she might have some better ideas.”

“How would I know?” Grandma said.

“You’re always telling me you know everything.”

“That doesn’t include the whereabouts of a circus. Why would I care about circuses?”

“I didn’t actually expect you to know where it is, but I thought you might know how I might find out.”

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place? You need the Candlefield Directory of Circuses.”

“Right, and where would I find that?”

“I’ve no idea. I just made it up.”

“Thanks for nothing. Have you forgotten I’m storing the wandrooms for you?”

“Have you forgotten that you’ve charged me to store them? Overcharged me, in fact.”

“Never mind. I guess I’ll just have to sort it out myself.”

“Good luck.”

I should have known better than to think Grandma would be of any help. I magicked myself to Candlefield library, which was practically deserted. The young wizard behind the desk was sitting back in his chair, and he looked as though he had dozed off.

“Excuse me.”

He jumped up and almost fell out of the chair.

“I wasn’t asleep.”

“Right.”

“I was—err—meditating.”

“Sure.”

“How can I help?”

“Circuses.”

“Sorry?”

“I need to find a particular circus, and I wondered if you might know where I could find that information.”

“Possibly.”

“Really?” I hadn’t expected a positive response.

“We have a community noticeboard on which we pin posters for all local events such as circuses.”

“That won’t help because the circus I’m looking for isn’t in Candlefield at the moment.”

“I understand that, but the posters usually list all the venues they’ll be visiting, so we keep them for reference. What was the name of the circus in question?”

“Circus Jolly.”

“Wait there and I’ll see if we have anything.”

He disappeared through a door behind the counter, and I crossed my fingers that, for once, fate would smile on me.

“Yes, we have one.” He held the poster aloft.

“Fantastic.”

He laid it onto the desk. “Let’s see where they are this week.” He ran his finger down the list of venues. “It looks like they are in Great Windy, on the showground, until Friday. Does that help?”

“That’s amazeballs.”

“Sorry?”

“Thanks for your help.”

The big top had been erected in the centre of the showground. To one side of it were rows of caravans and motorhomes. Seated on the steps of one of the caravans was an elderly werewolf, who was smoking a pipe while reading a newspaper.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you.”

“A pretty young thing like you could never be a bother. How can I help you?”

“I’m looking for a clown.”

“You’ve come to the right place; we have lots of them here. But I should warn you that most of them have zero personality. Wouldn’t you rather have a drink with an old juggler? I have a fine bottle of malt whisky inside.”

“Tempting as that is, I really need to find a particular clown. It’s an urgent personal matter.”

“All of the clowns are rehearsing in the big top at the moment. Although, why they need to rehearse when all they do is fool around, I have no idea.”

“Okay, thanks for your help.”

A dozen or more clowns were gathered in the ring inside the big top. The tallest one, who had green hair and huge yellow gloves, appeared to be in charge.

“That was awful,” he said. “Let’s try it one more time. On three. One, two, three.”

On his count, the clowns began an elaborate routine that involved them running around the ring while carrying buckets. Half of them ran in a clockwise direction, the others ran the opposite way. As they inevitably ran into one another, they spilled their buckets, full of confetti, onto the front few rows of seats, which were currently empty.

“Okay, let’s call it a wrap,” said the head clown. “It wasn’t great, but it will have to do. Thank you, everyone.”

As the other clowns headed out of the big top, I made my way over to the chief clown.

“Excuse me.”

“If you’re here about the clown vacancy, you’re too late. The position has already been filled.”

“That’s not why I’m here.”

“An autograph? Selfie?”

“No, actually, I’m looking for a particular clown.”

“Name?”

“I don’t know his name, but the clown in question will only just have joined your troupe within the last few weeks.”

“You mean Cha Cha.”

“Do I?”

“He’s the only new clown we’ve recruited in the last six months.”

“That must be him, then. Where can I find him?”

“He’s sharing a caravan with Koola. It’s the one with the squirrel logo on the side.”

“Right, thanks.”

“Is there a problem?”

“No problem. I just need a quick word with him.” I turned to leave but then hesitated. “How’s he doing, by the way?”

“He’s a natural. It’s like he’s been doing this all his life.”

It took me a few minutes to find the caravan in question. I knocked on the door and, within seconds, a clown in full makeup opened it.

“Yes?”

“Are you Cha Cha?”

“Do I look like him?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Who is it?” The voice came from inside the caravan.

“It’s some woman looking for you.”

The clown, who I now assumed to be Koola, stepped away from the door, and was replaced by a taller clown who had already removed most of his makeup. He was immediately recognisable as Randy Candy.

“Randy?” I said.

“Who?”

“I’m looking for Randy Candy.”

“You must have the wrong trailer.” He turned to his colleague. “Do you know a Randy Candy?”

“No, but I know a randy Cindy.” He laughed.

“Sorry about him,” said Cha Cha AKA Randy. “Is your friend a clown?”

“Err, sort of. Do you think we could talk somewhere in private?”

“I guess so.” He turned and shouted. “I’m going out for a few minutes.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Where do you want to go?” he asked.

“Maybe we could just talk as we walk?”

“Sure.”

“What I’m going to tell you is going to sound crazy,” I said.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m getting used to crazy lately. Would you believe me if I told you that I don’t remember a thing about my life before I started work here as a clown. I don’t remember my family, where I came from. Nothing.”

“I do believe you. What’s more, I happen to know why you can’t remember anything.”

“You do? Do I know you?”

“No.” I pointed to a bench on the edge of the showground. “It might be best if you sit down while I tell you what I know.”

It wasn’t easy, but I did my best to explain to Randy what had happened to him, and how he’d come to end up as a clown in the circus.

Understandably overwhelmed by what I’d told him, he sat in silence for the longest moment before saying, “You’re saying that I’m Randy Candy?”

“That’s right. Your sister, Mandy, hired me to find you.”

“If what you’re saying is true, why can’t I remember any of this?”

“Your—err—so-called friend, Jude Rockmore, has cast one or more spells on you.”

“Because I discovered he was selling blueberry juice to the human world?”

“Yeah, and because you’re a part owner of the business. When you discovered what was happening, you told him that you were going to report it to the authorities, so he had to shut you up.”

“Why make me a clown?”

“If it had been anyone but you, I suspect he would have done something much worse, but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt his best friend.”

“I’m still not sure I believe all of this.”

“That’s understandable, but will you at least come back with me to see Mandy? She and your parents have been beside themselves with worry about you.”

“What if you’re wrong? What if you’ve got the wrong person?”

“I haven’t, trust me. So, will you come with me?”

“I don’t suppose it can do any harm.”

“Great.”

“We’ll have to be quick because I have a show this afternoon.”

“Sure, but I suggest you finish removing that makeup first.”

While he was taking off the rest of his makeup, I called Mandy Candy.

“It’s Jill. Where are you?”

“With my parents. What’s happened?”

“I’ve found him.”

“Really?” she screamed. “Jill has found Randy.” She could barely speak for crying, but she managed to say, “Where is he? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine. Physically, at least.”

“What does that mean?”

I told her about Bottled-It, Jude Rockmore, and what Randy was doing now.

“A clown?”

“Yeah, called Cha Cha.”

“And he doesn’t remember anything?”

“He remembers nothing before joining the circus.”

“I can’t believe Jude would do something like this. They were best friends.”

“Cha Cha—err—I mean Randy, and I are on our way to you now.”

“Okay.”

“Are you ready?” I asked Randy.

“As I’ll ever be.”

I magicked us both to the Candy household where Mandy and her parents were all waiting. As soon as we appeared in their living room, they all dashed over to hug Randy. All three of them were overcome by emotion. Randy, on the other hand, stood stock-still. He clearly didn’t recognise any of them.

“It might be best to give Randy some space,” I said.

Somewhat reluctantly, they stepped back.

“Don’t you remember us?” Mandy said.

“Sorry. No.”

Mandy looked at me. “What can we do?”

“I’ll have a word with Daze. She’s one of the rogue retrievers who arrested Rockmore. I’m sure she’ll be able to persuade him to reverse whichever spells he used to do this to your brother.”

“Will he cooperate?”

“I think so. Daze can be very persuasive. I’ll go and see her now.”

“Thanks, Jill. For everything.”

As I expected, Daze was only too keen to help, and she promised me that she would personally accompany Rockmore to the Candys’ house, and ensure that he returned Randy to his former self.

Chapter 30

Back at the office, I was feeling marginally better about my workload. I’d found Randy Candy, and I was optimistic that Daze would do the rest. All I had to do now was to track down the one-legged wizard who had put the tattoo on John Longflower’s chest. I say all, but where was I supposed to start in my quest for the aforementioned one-legged wizard?

“Penny for them,” Winky said.

“I have to find a wizard with a prosthetic leg.”

“I wish I hadn’t asked. Don’t you ever think about normal things?”

Before I could respond, Mr Petty came charging into my office. He was red in the face and clearly distressed about something. Jules followed him in.

“Sorry, Jill, I did try to stop him.”

“That’s okay, Jules, I’ll deal with this.” Normally, I would have torn a strip off Petty, but he looked in such a bad way that I didn’t have the heart.

“What’s wrong, Mr Petty?”

“She tried to kill me.”

“Who did?”

“I only pointed out that she’d missed some of the corners.”

“You’re going to have to back up a little. Who are you talking about?”

“The woman who is cleaning the windows. She’s crazy!”

Oh boy.

“What happened, exactly?”

“I was just finalising a set of accounts when I saw her at the window. Initially, I was quite pleased because, as I’ve mentioned to you before, the quality of the window cleaning has left a lot to be desired. I assumed the management would have vetted this new company before awarding them the contract, but I was clearly mistaken. She missed most of the corners, so I opened one of the windows to point that out to her. I assumed she’d appreciate a little guidance, but she blew a fuse and started hurling abuse at me. When I said I was going to report her to the management company, she grabbed me by the collar and pulled me halfway out of the window. She said if I uttered another word, she’d let me fall. I’m telling you, Jill, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.”

That must have been mind-numbingly boring.

“I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

“She certainly did. You should have seen her face, Jill. She should be locked up.”

“Maybe you should call it a day, go home, and relax.”

“I’m too wound up to go home. We can’t allow her to get away with this. What should we do?”

“This isn’t really my battle, Mr Petty. You must do whatever you see fit.”

“I will. Don’t you worry.”

And with that, he stormed out of the office.

“It’s a pity Deli didn’t throw him out of the window,” Winky said.

“You might say that, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”

Once Petty had left, Jules came back in.

“I’m sorry about that, Jill.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I have bad news about the visitor pass you asked me to organise for you. You can only get one if the prisoner has added you to their list of visitors.”

“That’s a blow.”

“What will you do?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll just have to come up with another plan. Thanks for trying, Jules. Could you make me a cup of tea, please?”

“Will do.”

“I know how you could get into the prison,” Winky said.

“How?”

“Kill Peter Petty. They’re bound to throw you in jail for that. Two birds with one stone.”

“Very helpful, I don’t think.”

“Anyway, before we were so rudely interrupted by that nutter, you were asking me how you could find a one-legged wizard.”

“And I suppose you have some smartass suggestion for that too.”

“I actually have a foolproof way for you to track him down, but if you’re not interested, it’s no skin off my nose.”

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“You said the guy has a prosthetic leg.”

“Yeah. So?”

“How many suppliers of prosthetic legs are there over in Candlefield?”

“I’ve no idea. Not many, I wouldn’t have thought.”

“There you are, then. Do you have a description for the guy? Other than the one-leg thing, I mean?”

“No, but I can get one. You’re suggesting I talk to the prosthetic leg suppliers and see if any of them recognise him.”

“Exactly. Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Ungrateful or what?”

Although I would never admit it, his idea was quite ingenious, but for it to work, I would need a description of the wizard from John Longflower, so I gave him a call.

“John, it’s Jill.”

“Have you figured out a way to get rid of this text permanently?”

“Not yet, but I’m working on it. How’s it looking at the moment?”

“Okay, but I’m terrified to go home to Lorraine tonight in case it happens again.”

“Hopefully, it won’t come to that, but I need you to give me a description of the wizard who did this to you. I’m going to try and track him down by talking to suppliers of prosthetic legs in Candlefield.”

“That’s a brilliant idea.”

“Tell him it was my idea,” said Winky, who had been eavesdropping on my conversation.

“Thanks, John,” I said. “That’s what you’re paying me for.”

“Okay, let me think. He was kind of average height.”

“That doesn’t really help.”

“He was about average weight.”

“Anything notable about him? Anything at all?”

“Nothing comes to mind. Oh, wait a minute. He had a tattoo on his neck.”

“Great, what was it?”

“I’m not sure. It looked like a tennis racquet, I think.”

“Okay, that should help, hopefully.”

“Will you keep me posted, Jill?”

“Of course.”

“Take credit for my idea, why don’t you?” Winky pouted.

“What did you expect me to say? That it was my dead cat’s ghost’s idea? Hey, how would you like to earn yourself an extra helping of salmon?”

“Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?”

“What? Okay, how about you do some research for me?”

“Sure. What do you need?”

“If I can’t get a visitor’s pass to get into the prison, I’ll have to magic myself inside.”

“You should fit in just fine.”

“Very funny. I need to know what kind of uniforms the prisoners wear in there. Do you think you can find out?”

“Sure, no problem. What’s the prison called?”

“Seamore women’s prison.”

“Leave it with me.”

I magicked myself over to Aunt Lucy’s, and I almost caused her to drop a tray of cakes when I appeared in her kitchen.

“Jill, you made me jump.”

“Sorry, I should have warned you I was coming over. Those cakes look delicious.”

“They’ve only just come out of the oven.”

“That’s okay.” I grabbed one. “I don’t mind if they’re still warm.”

“You’re incorrigible. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to take a look at your copy of Candlefield Pages.”

“Help yourself. It’s over there by the outside door. What are you looking for?”

“Prosthetic leg suppliers.”

“Dare I ask why?”

“It’s a complicated story, but it’s related to a case I’m working on.” I got the directory and brought it back into the kitchen. “How’s Lester’s new job doing? Has he handed in his notice yet?”

“No, more’s the pity. He actually seems to be enjoying it.”

“How is that possible?”

“Don’t ask me, Jill. I think he’s lost his mind. Any luck?”

“I’ve found a section for prosthetics, but there’s only one entry under it. It’s a business called Out On A Limb.”

“That makes your search easier, doesn’t it?”

“I guess so. I’ll just have to hope this is where my wizard got his prosthetic leg.”

“Are you going to stay for a drink?”

“No, I’d better not. I’ll take another bun, though, if that’s okay?”

“Help yourself.”

Out On A Limb was a tiny shop, next door to the fishmonger, on Event Street. I’d expected it to be a clinic, with white walls, like a doctor’s surgery, but it more closely resembled a junk shop. Instead of bric-a-brac, it was full of prosthetic body parts—predominantly legs and arms.

“Are you lost?” said the female werewolf who was seated in one corner of the shop.

“I don’t think so. Is the owner in?”

“I am the owner.” She stood up and looked me up and down. “I count two legs and two arms, so you can’t be here for yourself.”

“I’m actually after some information.”

“About what?”

“A customer of yours.”

“Who are you?”

“My name is Jill Maxwell. I’m a private investigator.”

“Bully for you. Well, you’re out of luck because I can’t give out information about our customers.”

“Because of data protection, I suppose?”

“Nah, because I don’t like private investigators.”

“Any reason for that?”

“My ex-husband had one follow me. That’s how we ended up getting divorced.”

“Were you cheating on him?”

“No, those photos were all fake.”

“Right, so I take it you aren’t prepared to help.”

“You take it right.”

“That’s a pity because there’s a substantial reward,” I lied.

“Reward? What kind of reward?”

“I thought you weren’t interested in helping?”

“I was only kidding about that. What do you want to know?”

“I’m trying to track down a wizard who has a prosthetic leg.”

“That doesn’t narrow it down very much. There are hundreds of them.”

“That many?”

“Yeah, you’d be surprised at how many manage to blow their own leg off, with the ‘thunderbolt’ spell, when they’ve had a few drinks.”

“The guy I’m looking for has a tattoo on his neck. Of a racquet.”

“Are you sure it’s a racquet?”

“Not one hundred percent. Why?”

“The guy I’m thinking about has a tattoo of a guitar on his neck.”

“That could be him. What’s his name? Where can I find him?”

“What about my reward?”

“You’ll only get it if he turns out to be the guy I’m looking for.”

“How do I know I can trust you?”

“You don’t, but you definitely won’t get anything if you don’t tell me.”

“Okay. His name is Rod Knee.”

“Rodney what?”

“Rod Knee.”

“What’s his last name?”

“Are you stupid? I’ve just told you it’s Knee.”

“Oh, you mean Rod Knee.”

“At last.”

“Where does he live?”

“I don’t have an address for him.”

“That’s not much use, is it?”

“I know where you can find him, though. He spends most of his days in Betcha.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a betting shop on Quest Road. You’re bound to bump into him if you hang around in there.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Don’t forget my reward.”

I hadn’t realised there were any betting shops in Candlefield, and from the outside, you would never have realised that the shop with the bright green door was one. The glass in the window had a black tint, which made it impossible to see inside. There wasn’t even a name on the outside of the building, and it was only by asking a number of passersby that I discovered the green door belonged to Betcha. I had hoped that I’d be able to check out the customers by looking through the window, but the tinting had put paid to that, so I was forced to venture inside. It wasn’t at all what I’d been expecting. The few betting shops I’d been in in the human world were all rather dingy, but the interior of Betcha was quite plush, with leather armchairs and sofas, scattered around the floor. I was the only female in the place except for the vampire behind the counter. She beckoned me over.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Only, you looked a bit lost. Do you need any help with anything? Did you want to place a bet?”

“Maybe, yeah, but I’m not sure what to bet on yet.”

“Okay, well all today’s events are shown on the screens up on the walls. When you decide, just come over and see me, and I’ll sort you out. I’m Crimson, by the way.”

“Great. Thanks, Crimson.”

“Oh, and help yourself to drinks and biscuits. They’re all complimentary.”

“Brilliant.”

Free drinks and biscuits? How come I hadn’t heard about this before? I grabbed a cup of tea from the machine and picked up a couple of biscuits—no custard creams unfortunately—and took a seat on one of the stools next to the wall closest to the door. From there, I kept looking at the TV screen, as though I was trying to decide what to bet on, but I was actually watching the punters coming through the door. An hour later, and I was starting to get looks from Crimson, but I was determined to wait it out, even if it took all day.

I was on my third cup of tea, and I’d lost count of how many biscuits I’d eaten, when a wizard, with a prosthetic leg, walked through the door. I was close enough to see that the tattoo on his neck was indeed a guitar.

“Hi, Crimson,” he shouted. “When are you going to let me take you out?”

“When hell freezes over.”

“Still playing hard to get, eh?”

As he went to get himself a drink, Crimson looked over to me, put a finger in her mouth, and pretended to vomit. He was creepy with a capital C, and he clearly fancied himself as a lady’s man, which was good news for me. Only when he had his drink, did he notice me. As our eyes met, I shot him a big smile. That was all the invitation he needed, and moments later he was seated on the stool next to mine.

“Hello, gorgeous,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before.”

“It’s my first time.”

“A betting virgin, eh? I’m Rod.”

“I’m Dilly.”

“Nice to meet you, Dilly.”

Before I could stop him, he’d taken my hand and planted a kiss on it. My instinct was to slap him, but instead I just gave him a smile and said, “I like your tattoo, Rod.”

“Thanks, Dilly. Do you have any?”

“Just one.”

“Let me see.”

“It isn’t somewhere I can show you.” I gave him a sexy giggle. “Not in here, anyway.”

What? Of course I can do a sexy giggle.

“Why don’t we go to my place?” he said, without missing a beat. “It’s only just around the corner. You can show it to me there.”

“Sure. Why not?”

Judging by his huge grin, he clearly thought this was his lucky day. He was about to find out otherwise.

His flat was actually a fifteen-minute walk from the betting shop, but I didn’t complain. Instead, I made out that I was hanging on his every word.

“Here we are,” he said at last. “It’s only small, but I call it home.”

By the time we were inside, he was practically salivating.

“Okay, show me your tattoo,” he said.

“Close your eyes first.”

“You don’t have to be shy.”

“Close your eyes or I won’t show it to you.”

“Okay.” He did as I asked.

Moments later, his grin had dissolved, as he screamed in pain and put his hand onto his forehead. “What did you do to me?”

“Take a look.” I pointed to the mirror on the wall behind him.

He stared at the text, which was written across his forehead, and tried desperately to wipe it off.

“What does it say?” he demanded, as he tried to read the text that was reversed in the reflection.

“It says ‘Call the Rogue Retrievers and tell them I have committed crimes in the human world’.”

“Remove it!”

“Sorry, no can do.”

He rushed towards me, but before he could grab me, I had tied his arms and legs, sending him crashing to the floor.

“Untie me. Let me go.”

“Not happening.”

“Who are you? Why are you doing this?”

“My name is Jill Maxwell. I’m working for a man called John Longflower.”

“Who? Never heard of him.”

“Wrong answer. Try again.”

“I’m telling you that I don’t know anyone by that name.”

“Okay. Let me jog your memory. You tattooed his chest with text that would have let his wife discover he’s a sup.”

“Oh, that loser. He deserved it. He cost me a small fortune.”

“No one made you invest in those companies. You made an investment, and it didn’t pay off. There was no reason to take it out on Longflower.”

“What do you want?”

“I want you to reverse the spell you cast on him.”

“If I do, will you remove this from my forehead?”

“Let’s just say that I’ll give it serious consideration.”

“You have to. I can’t walk around like this.”

“Now you know how John has felt ever since you did the same thing to him.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll do it.”

“That’s better. Now, don’t go anywhere.”

“As if I could.”

I made a call to John Longflower. “It’s Jill. Where are you?”

“In my office.”

“Alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Sit tight. I’m coming over.”

I magicked myself to his office.

“Take my hand, John.”

“What’s going on?”

“Just do it.”

Once he had, I magicked myself back to Rod’s flat.

“That’s him!” John said.

“It was only a joke, pal,” Rod whined.

“Some joke.” John looked like he wanted to give Rod a good kicking. “What’s that on his head?” He crouched down to get a better look. “Classic!” He laughed. “Did you do that, Jill?”

“Guilty. Now, Rod, how about you do your stuff?”

“Untie me first.”

“That’s not how this works.” I turned to John. “Undo your shirt.”

He did as I asked, and I could see the text was already starting to reappear.

“Right, Rod. Do it.”

Rod closed his eyes and, moments later, the faint text disappeared altogether.

“It’s gone!” John said.

“Great. Now, let’s get you back to your office.”

“Hang on!” Rod screamed. “You can’t leave me like this.”

“Sorry.” I removed the rope binding his hands and legs.

“What about this?” He tapped his forehead.

“Don’t worry. That’ll disappear in a couple of days.”

“What am I supposed to do until then?”

“Stay home or wear a hat with a big brim.”

Back in his office, John looked as though a great weight had been removed from his shoulders.

“Thanks, Jill, you’re a life saver.”

“My pleasure.”

“What about Lorraine? What will you tell her?”

“Nothing. It’s up to you to show her that she has the old John back. If you can do that, hopefully she’ll decide my services are no longer required.”

Chapter 31

“Here we are again,” Humph said. “Just the two of us.”

Jack had had to go into the store early, and when I’d sat down for breakfast, I’d discovered that he’d left Humphrey on one of the kitchen chairs.

“I like to eat my breakfast in silence,” I said.

“I understand completely. There’s nothing worse than someone talking when all you want is peace and quiet.”

“Exactly.”

“You seem a little pale this morning if you don’t mind my saying so.”

“I do. Mind.”

“I’m just checking that you’re okay.”

“I’m fine, and I’d be even better if you’d be quiet.”

“Sorry. Will do.” He ran a zip across his lips.

That lasted for all of five minutes.

“How would you feel about taking me into your office with you, Jill? I’d love to see what you do.”

“Not happening.”

“I’d be quiet, I promise.”

“Just like you’re being now?”

“Your job sounds really exciting. I’d love to see a real-life private investigator in action.”

I stood up, walked over to the cupboard, and took out the shopping basket. Then I picked up Humph, and dropped him (yes, gently) into it, then replaced it in the cupboard.

Ignoring the muffled sounds emanating from the cupboard, I enjoyed the rest of my breakfast in relative quiet before setting off for the office.

I’d no sooner stepped out of the lift than Peter Petty came out of his office. I was pretty sure he’d been watching for me.

“She says she’s a friend of yours,” he said.

“Sorry? Who does?”

“That mad woman who tried to throw me to my death yesterday. Is it true?”

“In a manner of speaking. Deli is the mother of Mad, a good friend of mine.”

“She’s Mad alright. Completely crazy. Deli? Is that her name?”

“It’s actually Delilah, but everyone calls her Deli. She does have a fiery temper, but I’m sure she wouldn’t have actually let you fall to your death.”

“You didn’t see the look on her face, Jill. She looked possessed.”

“What are you planning to do?”

“I’ve already registered a complaint with the management company, but they weren’t very interested. They had the temerity to suggest I might be exaggerating.”

“Might it not be better to forget the whole thing and move on?”

“Definitely not. People like that can’t be allowed to get away with their behaviour. I shall sue her for every penny she has.”

“What if she was to apologise?”

“It wouldn’t change what she did.”

“No, but if she was to show contrition, perhaps you could be the bigger man, and let it go.”

“Maybe, but I can’t see that woman being willing to apologise.”

“Why don’t you let it lie for a couple of days, and I’ll see if I can persuade Deli to give you a formal apology?”

“Okay, but no longer than that.”

“Did Deli really try to throw Petty out of the window?” Jules asked.

“He says so, and knowing Deli like I do, I wouldn’t totally rule it out.”

“It’s a good job she didn’t actually do it.” Jules sniggered. “Think of the mess it would have made on the pavement.”

“Jules! That’s an awful thing to say.”

Funny though.

“Didn’t I tell you that they should have given me the window cleaning contract?” Winky said.

“Did you have any joy with the research I asked you to do?”

“Of course. Easy-peasy.” He handed me a photograph of several women dressed in prison uniform.

“Thanks.”

“You owe me salmon.”

“I know. I’ll buy some extra tomorrow. By the way, what’s that you’re wearing?”

“It’s a fez, obviously.”

“Dare I ask why you’re wearing a fez?”

“It’s national fez day.”

“No, it isn’t. There’s no such thing.”

“Not here, maybe, but back in GT, it’s a major celebration.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. In fact, I’m late for the fez breakfast celebrations.”

“Don’t let me keep you.”

And with that, my fez wearing, dead, ghost cat disappeared.

Although I’d promised Petty that I’d speak to Deli, I thought it might be better to approach Mad first, so I gave her a call.

“Hey, Jill. How’s it swinging?”

“Not bad. Have you spoken to your mother in the last day or so?”

“No, I’m trying to avoid her. We’ll only end up arguing about this stupid new business venture of hers.”

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What’s she done?”

I told her about the incident as reported by Peter Petty.

“I knew this was a disaster waiting to happen.” Mad sighed. “But if I’m honest, I thought it would be her or Nails who ended up splattered on the pavement. Is this Petty guy alright?”

“That’s a matter of opinion, but yeah, he wasn’t physically injured, but it did shake him up.”

“Understandably. Is he serious about suing her?”

“Knowing Petty, I wouldn’t discount the possibility. Do you think you’ll be able to persuade Deli to apologise?”

“What do you think? She’s more likely to come over to his office and finish off the job.”

“I was afraid you might say that.”

“Look, I’ll give it a try, but I wouldn’t go building your hopes up.”

“Thanks, Mad.”

I’d just finished talking to Mad when Jules came through to my office.

“Mandy Candy just called. She and her brother are in town, and they wondered if they might drop by and see you. She said it would only take a few minutes. I said I’d check when you’d finished on your call and ring her back.”

“Sure, tell them to come over.”

Fifteen minutes later, the beaming siblings walked into my office.

“Hello, you two. It’s nice to see you looking so happy.”

“It’s all thanks to you, Jill,” Mandy said.

“Take a seat. Would you like a drink?”

“No, thank you. We only popped in to say thanks and update you.”

“I’m glad you did. What’s happened?”

“Mandy turned to her brother. “You tell her, Randy.”

“I still can’t believe what Jude did,” Randy said.

“To you, you mean?”

“Yes, but also the business with the blueberries. He must have realised he wouldn’t get away with it.”

“He very nearly did, though. Any idea what made him do it?”

“I know exactly why he did it. The business had been mounting up losses for ages, and he’d been hiding it. He saw the blueberries as a way to dig himself out of a hole. When I confronted him, I felt sure I’d be able to make him see sense, but he was too far gone by that stage.”

“So, he had to get rid of you.”

“Yes, if we hadn’t been such good friends, I fear he might have done something much worse.”

“Daze said it was unlikely he’ll do time, but he won’t be allowed to run a business for some years. What will happen to Bottled-It while he’s away? Will you take over the management?”

“No, I’ve no interest in running the business, and besides the debts are too great. I’m afraid the business is finished.”

“So, what will you do? Will you be able to go back to your old job at the shoe shop?”

“I doubt it, but that’s not what I want to do anyway. I’ve decided the human world isn’t for me. I plan on staying in Candlefield.”

“I suppose that’s music to your ears, Mandy?”

“It is. Mum and Dad are thrilled too, but you haven’t heard the best part yet.”

“Oh?”

“Go on, Randy, tell her.”

“I’ve decided to return to the circus.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Inadvertently, Jude did me a favour. I’ve never been so happy in my life, as I was being Cha Cha. I’ve spoken to the people at Circus Jolly, and they said they’ll be happy to have me back.”

“Wow! I definitely didn’t see that coming.”

After settling my bill, the two of them went on their way, arm in arm.

***

It had been a long time coming, but at long last it was time for my appointment with Winnie De Hoo, who maintained a sort of unofficial spell archive. For some reason, I’d imagined that she’d live in a weird little cottage in a remote part of Candlefield. As it turned out, she actually lived in a modest, ordinary house in the middle of a row of identical ordinary houses.

There was a small note attached to the doorbell that read ‘this doesn’t work – please knock loudly’. I did that, and moments later the door was answered by an elderly wizard.

“Hi, I’m here to see Mrs De Hoo.”

“Do come in. I’m her husband, Denny.”

“Nice to meet you, Denny.”

“Likewise. Come this way. Winnie is in her office.”

He walked down the hall, opened a door, and beckoned me to go inside. The room was tiny, and most of the space was occupied by a desk, behind which sat a witch with grey hair that was almost down to her waist.

“You must be Jill. Do come in and take a seat. Would you join me in a cup of tea?”

“That would be lovely.”

“Denny, make Jill and me a cup of tea, would you, please, dearest?”

“Coming right up, my darling.” He left the room, closing the door behind him.

“Thank you for agreeing to see me, Mrs De Hoo. I know how busy you are.”

“Call me Winnie, please. To be honest, it’s nice to have some company. I see so few people these days.”

“Really? The grumps made me wait almost a week for an appointment.”

“Deary me. Those grumps do mean well, but they’re far too protective of me. I assume you’re looking for something from the archive?”

“Yes, but first can I ask you a question?”

“Of course. Ask away.”

Before I could, Denny returned with a tray on which were two cups of tea and a plate of sandwiches.

“I brought you these, dearest, because you skipped lunch again.”

“Thank you, darling. Would you care for a honey sandwich, Jill?”

“Err, no thanks.”

“Anything else, my dearest?” Denny asked.

“No, thanks. We’re fine now.” She turned to me. “You were going to ask me a question.”

“That’s right. I’m just curious about how spells come to be in the archive. Why does a spell drop out of general circulation?”

“Disappear from the spell book, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“It can happen for any number of reasons, but mostly it’s because a spell has been found to be faulty in some way.”

“Faulty how?”

“It varies. Sometimes the spell simply doesn’t do what it’s designed to do. Other times, it’s because it’s found to have side-effects of some kind.”

“Interesting.”

“I think so. That’s what got me involved in the first place. It was just a hobby initially, but then it grew into this.” She pointed to the row of bookcases that filled one wall. Three of the four bookcases were full of folders.

“Wow! How many spells are there in the archive?”

“I lost count years ago.”

“Do you have some kind of index to them?”

“Only up here.” She tapped the side of her head. “Denny says I should get them put onto computer, but I don’t trust those new-fangled things. Anyway, what was it that brought you here today, Jill? I assume you’re looking for a particular spell?”

“I am, but I’m not even sure such a spell exists.”

“Try me.”

“Okay. I’m a private investigator and, from time to time, I use freelancers to help me with surveillance. Recently, I’ve used the services of two bees.”

“Bees?”

“That’s right. Buzz and Honey. Anyway, it turns out that they aren’t really bees at all. They’re fairies who were turned into bees by a wizard who died soon afterwards. They’ve asked me to try and change them back, but I’ve been unable to identify the spell that caused this. There’s nothing like it in the spell book, so I was hoping there might be something in your archive.”

“Interesting. Nothing comes immediately to mind unfortunately.”

“That’s a pity. You’re pretty much my last hope.”

“Don’t give up just yet. If you don’t mind leaving it with me for a while, I’ll do some research and see if I can come up with anything.”

“That would be great, thanks.”

“Don’t go getting your hopes up, though, because it’s a bit of a longshot.”

“I understand.”

Chapter 32

I was determined to find out what had happened to Myrtle Turtle, but my only hope of doing so was if I could speak to either Hodd or Jobbs. So far, all attempts to track down Hodd had failed—it was as if she’d vanished from the face of the earth. I knew exactly where Jobbs was, but Jules had discovered that it wasn’t possible to visit her, unless Jobbs submitted the request. As she hadn’t seen me for years, and she had no idea that I wanted to speak to her, there was no prospect of that happening.

That left me with only one option: to magic myself inside the prison where, hopefully, I would be able to locate Jobbs. I’d magicked myself to the shower block, which I’d assumed would be quiet mid-afternoon. That much, at least, I’d got right because there was no one in there when I touched down, but then everything went pear-shaped.

I’d just stepped out of the shower block when a female prison officer came charging over to me.

“Hey, you!” she yelled.

“Me, miss?”

“I don’t see anyone else here, do you?”

“No, miss.”

“So, who are you?”

“Smith, miss.”

“Care to explain what you’re wearing?”

“Sorry, miss?”

“Are you deaf? I asked what you’re wearing.”

I was confused by her question because, before entering the prison, I’d used magic to make myself a uniform, based on the photograph that Winky had given me. It was only when I glanced around that I realised all the other prisoners were wearing their own clothes. The only people wearing uniforms were the prison officers. And, of course, muggins here.

“I’m waiting!” Her nose was nearly touching mine now, and I could almost taste the curry she’d had for lunch. “What’s that you’re wearing?”

“I—err—”

“Never mind. You can explain it to the warden.”

“But I—err—”

She took me by the arm and practically dragged me along the landing, down two flights of stairs, and along a corridor. This was most definitely not going to plan, and I had a feeling I knew who was to blame, but Winky would have to wait. Right now, I had more pressing concerns.

The prison officer knocked on the door.

“Come!” a man’s voice boomed from inside.

I was dragged into a small office where a balding man sat behind a desk.

“What’s all this, Fleming?” he asked the prison officer. “And what is she wearing?”

“She won’t tell me, sir. I found her like this coming out of the shower block.”

He stood up and walked over to get a better look at my attire.

“Name?”

“Smith, sir.”

“I haven’t seen you before, have I?”

“I’m new, sir. I only arrived a couple of days ago.”

“First name?”

“Sarah.”

“Sarah Smith?”

“Yes, sir.”

He walked back to his desk, took a seat, and began to tap away on the computer.

“The only Sarah Smith I have on record was discharged five years ago.”

Time for a change of strategy, methinks, so I cast the ‘forget’ and ‘sleep’ spells on both of them. My original, flawed plan had been to pass myself off as an inmate while I tried to find Jobbs. But, as you’ll know doubt already be aware, I’m nothing if not adaptable, so I magicked myself a uniform, to match that of the now slumbering prison officer. With hindsight, I should have gone with that option in the first place.

Satisfied that I would be long gone before either of them woke up, and safe in the knowledge that neither of them would remember the events that had preceded their nap, I made my way back onto the prison floor. I’d read about the problem of prison overcrowding, and if this place was anything to go by, those reports had been accurate. The floor was buzzing with women of all ages. Most of them were gathered in small groups, chatting; others were playing pool, foosball, or table tennis. The noise of so many voices was overpowering.

The prison officer’s uniform had been a good call because few of the prisoners gave me a second glance. I walked from one end of the huge room to the other, all the time keeping an eye open for Jobbs. I had no idea if she was in this part of the prison or even if I’d recognise her after all that time.

I was halfway across the room when I became aware that one of the other prison officers was approaching me.

“Hey.” She put a hand on my shoulder, and I was sure my cover had been blown. “When did you start?” She glanced at my name badge. “Lisa.”

“Yesterday.”

“No one told me we had a new starter coming in this week.”

“Typical, eh?”

“You’re right there.” She grinned. “I’m Angie, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you. What’s it like here?”

“Not bad. Better than the last place I was at. There are a few troublemakers, but the majority of them just want to do their time.”

“Right.” I nodded. “Anyone in particular I should keep an eye open for?”

“Crossley is a psycho. Make sure you never turn your back on her. And you need to watch Westman—one minute, she’s as sweet as can be. The next, she’ll try to tear your eyes out.”

“Noted. What about Jobbs? Someone told me that she was bad news, and I should watch out for her.”

“I think they must have been pulling your chain. Jobbs is harmless and quiet as a mouse. She barely ever speaks to anyone.”

“Oh?”

“That’s her over there.” She pointed to a seated figure on a bench in one corner of the room.

“Thanks for putting me right.”

“No problem. Hey, maybe I’ll see you in the canteen at lunch.”

“You bet.”

I waited until Angie had left the room, and then I made my way over to where Jobbs was seated.

“Jobbs?”

“Yes, miss.” Her voice was so soft that I could barely hear her.

“Don’t you remember me?”

She looked up and studied my face.

“No, miss. Are you new?”

“It’s me, Jobbs. Jill Maxwell.”

“Who?”

“We met several years ago when you were staying at the old watermill with Myrtle Turtle.”

“In Middle Tweaking?”

“That’s right. I worked with Myrtle on a murder case in the village.”

“Yes, I remember you now. When did you start work here?”

“I don’t work here.”

She looked me up and down. “I don’t understand.”

“I came here to talk to you.”

“You’re not a screw?”

“Shush!”

“Sorry. How did you manage to get in here?”

“That’s a long story. Is there somewhere we can talk in private?”

“We can go to my cell.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

Jobbs led the way up a steel staircase and along the mezzanine floor, stopping outside the last cell on the block. She pushed open the door to reveal a bunk bed. On the upper bunk sat another prisoner who seemed surprised to see me standing with Jobbs.

“Can you give us the room, Dolly?” Jobbs said.

“Sure thing.” She jumped down from the bunk and left the cell.

Jobbs sat on the bottom bunk and gestured for me to sit on one of the two chairs.

“What’s this about, Jill?”

“Myrtle.”

“You know she’s dead, I assume?”

“I didn’t until recently. The articles I read said she’d committed suicide, but I found that hard to believe.”

“Myrtle would never take her own life,” Jobbs said.

“That’s what I figured. I thought maybe you’d know what really happened to her.”

“I have no idea. The three of us lost touch not long after she moved out of Middle Tweaking.”

“That’s the other reason I’m here today. In fact, it’s what kicked the whole thing off. I came across an old diary of Myrtle’s in my loft.”

“In your loft?”

“Sorry, I should have said. We bought the old watermill some years ago, but I only recently stumbled across the diary. The entries in there, leading up to her moving out of the old watermill, were very unnerving—very dark.”

“What did she say, exactly?”

“That’s just it. There was nothing specific, but she seemed to be quite disturbed about something.”

“She was. You know what Myrtle was like—a tougher cookie you are unlikely to encounter, but something set her on edge. She loved that house, you know.”

“I remember.”

“But something drove her out of there.”

“She must have given you some clue what it was.”

“Not really. She just kept rambling on about something from another world.”

“Another world?”

“That’s what she said. If it had been anyone else, Hodd and I would have thought they’d been hitting the bottle, but Myrtle never drank.”

“What did she mean by another world?”

“I don’t know. We tried to get her to explain, but she just kept saying that it was best we never knew, and that she wished she’d never discovered it.”

“It?”

Jobbs shrugged. “That’s all we could get out of her. The next thing we knew, she’d put the old watermill up for sale. I didn’t believe it when she told me because she loved that place.”

“I actually saw her just before she moved out of Middle Tweaking, just after she’d sold the old watermill. She seemed fine. I feel terrible now that I didn’t realise anything was wrong.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way. Myrtle was very good at putting on a good face to the outside world. Only Hodd and I saw the trauma she was going through.”

“Did you and Hodd move with her?”

“We wanted to, but she insisted she wanted a complete break. To make a new start.”

“Where is Hodd, by the way?”

“I wish I knew. She and I were in touch up until a couple of years ago, then she disappeared.”

“When was the last time you saw Myrtle?”

“About a year before she died. I’d tried calling her a thousand times, but she never answered, so I just turned up on her doorstep one day. She looked terrible.”

“Was she ill?”

“I don’t think so. Not physically, anyway. Myrtle was a shadow of her old self. I tried to get her to open up, but she wouldn’t. It fair broke my heart when I heard she’d died.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Will you be able to find out what really happened, Jill?”

“I don’t know. I’m not even sure where to start.”

“I can answer that: Middle Tweaking. Something about that village started Myrtle’s spiral. If you can find out what it was, maybe you’ll know what really happened to her. Will you try?”

“Of course.”

“Can you get me out of here? Maybe, I’ll be able to help?”

“Sorry, I can’t do that. How much longer do you have to serve?”

“If I keep my head down, I should be out in another year, hopefully. Will you at least let me know if you find out what happened?”

“Of course. I’ll need you to add my name to your visitor list so that I can come in through the front door next time.”

“I’ll do that as soon as you leave.”

“Great.” I stood up.

“Good luck, Jill.”

“Thanks. I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”

***

Jack didn’t look very happy.

“I have a bone to pick with you,” he said, as soon as I walked through the door.

“What’s up?”

“Why did you stick Humph in a shopping basket and leave him in the cupboard all day?”

“Because he was driving me insane with his constant prattling.”

“That’s still no excuse. He was traumatised when I found him.”

“Give over. He’s a stuffed toy in case you’ve forgotten.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings.”

“He was trying to get me to take him to the office with me.”

“What’s wrong with that? He’d be company for Winky.”

“Winky is a ghost. Humph wouldn’t be able to see him. Besides, there’s no way I’m taking a stuffed bear to work with me.”

“He gets bored by himself all day at home.”

“Then you’d better take him to the store because he isn’t coming to the office.”

“Fine, I’ll take him to the store.”

“Fine.”

By the time we’d eaten dinner, the atmosphere had improved, mainly because neither of us mentioned that stupid bear.

“I was in prison today,” I said.

“What did you do this time?”

“I didn’t do anything. I went there to talk to Jobbs about Myrtle Turtle.”

“You’re not going to let that go, are you?”

“Not until I find out what happened.”

“Did Jobbs throw any light on it?”

“Not really.”

I told him everything that Jobbs had told me.

“That doesn’t give you much to go on,” he said.

“Maybe. Maybe not. But Jobbs did say Myrtle kept referring to another world.”

“Do you think she meant Candlefield?”

“It’s possible.”

“But how would she know about that?”

“If I can work that out, I might be closer to finding out what happened to her.”

Chapter 33

Breakfast was a much more peaceful affair without the obnoxious Humph putting his tuppence worth in every two minutes.

“This muesli doesn’t taste right,” Jack said.

“I’ve been telling you that for years.”

“I meant that I think they’ve changed the formula.”

“Don’t they just chuck a few oats, seeds, nuts and dried fruit in a barrel and mix it in with sawdust?”

“I might have to try a different brand.”

“Or you could eat real food instead.”

Jack was trying desperately to come up with a clever retort, but my phone rang and put him out of his agony.

“Jill, it’s Mad.”

“Hi. Did you speak to your mother about Petty?”

“I did and it went about as well as you might expect.”

“Is she refusing to apologise to him?”

“Yes, but I’ve managed to persuade her to come with me to see you.”

“See me? What good will that do?”

“She has always looked up to you, Jill.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I think she might agree to back down if you have a word. Will you do it?”

“I suppose so, but I don’t share your confidence that it will do any good.”

“Okay. Can we come over this morning?”

“Sure, I’ve no appointments today.”

“Great, we’ll see you later.”

“Who was that?” Jack asked.

“The muesli marketing board. They’re worried there’s been a drop off in sales recently.”

“Very funny.”

“It was Mad. She’s bringing Deli over to see me this morning, in the hope that I can persuade her to apologise to Peter Petty.”

“He’s your nutty neighbour, isn’t he? Why does she have to apologise to him?”

“For trying to throw him out of the window on the seventh floor.”

“Oh dear.”

***

“I have a bone to pick with you, Winky.”

“What did I do now?”

“Do you remember that photo you gave me of the inmates of Seamore prison?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“I magicked myself a uniform based upon that photo.”

“So?”

“So, when I landed in the prison, I discovered that the inmates don’t wear a uniform at all. They were all walking around in their own clothes.”

“Are you sure you went to the right prison?”

“Am I—of course I’m sure I went to the right prison.”

“I don’t understand it. Move over.” He started tapping away on my computer and brought up the same photograph he’d printed out for me. “There! See!”

I took a closer look. “That’s Seamore prison in the USA.”

“Is it? Oh yeah. I didn’t notice that.”

“Clearly not.”

“How was I supposed to know there was more than one of them? Whoops!”

“I’ll give you whoops.”

“It was a genuine mistake. I trust this won’t affect the extra salmon you promised me.”

“You can whistle for that.”

“You’re so hard sometimes.”

“Cry me a river.”

Winky was still sulking when Jules came through to my office.

“Lorraine Longflower is here. She wondered if you could spare her a few minutes?”

“Sure, send her in, please.”

Lorraine’s beaming face told me everything I needed to know even before she spoke.

“Thanks for seeing me, Jill. I came in to ask you to discontinue your investigation.”

“Really? Any reason?”

“I’ve got the old John back.”

“Oh? What’s happened?”

“I can’t explain it, but for the last couple of days, he’s been back to his old loving self.”

“Obviously, I’m pleased to hear that, but are you sure?”

“Absolutely positive. This is definitely the man I married.”

“That’s great. I’ll stop all work on it immediately.”

“Thanks. There’s no way John will ever find out about your investigation, is there?”

“Not from me, but you might want to consider how you wish to settle your account.”

“We have separate bank accounts, so that won’t be a problem. Can I pay you now?”

“Sure, I’ll get Jules to calculate your bill, and you can settle it on your way out.”

“Thanks, Jill, and I’m sorry I’ve wasted so much of your time.”

“No apology necessary. Trust me, this is the best possible outcome.”

“I do feel bad about doubting John. I should have known better than to think he would ever keep any secrets from me.”

Little did she know that her husband had a huge secret, but hopefully she would never discover he was a wizard.

Not long after Lorraine had left, I got a call from Winnie De Hoo.

“Any luck, Winnie?”

“Yes and no. I haven’t found a spell to turn a fairy into a bee, but I have found one that might help. Will you have time to pop over sometime today?”

“I can come over now if that’s convenient.”

“Absolutely.”

“I’m on my way.”

Moments later, I was standing in Winnie’s office.

“That was quick, Jill.”

“You said you might have found something that will help my bee friends.”

“Possibly. There isn’t a spell in the archive that turns a fairy into a bee, but I did find this.” She pointed to an open file on her desk.

“Turn a fairy into a butterfly?”

“I almost dismissed it, but then I read the comments. It turns out the reason that it was removed from the spell book is that it was unreliable.”

“Unreliable how?”

“There were numerous reports that instead of turning a fairy into a butterfly, it had turned them into a moth, a hornet, even in one case a hummingbird.”

“A hummingbird?”

“Incredibly, yes. In short, the spell appears to have turned fairies into random winged creatures. Occasionally, it worked as designed and the fairy was turned into a butterfly, but there were many instances when that wasn’t the result.”

“And you think maybe this is the spell that was used on my friends?”

“I have no way of knowing, but it’s possible. A bee is just another winged creature. What do you think?”

“I think it may be their only hope.”

“I should warn you that if this isn’t the spell that was used on them, trying to reverse it may have unpredictable consequences.”

“I was just thinking the same thing.”

“What will you do?”

“Explain the situation to Honey and Buzz and let them decide.”

And that’s precisely what I did. The two bees came over to my office as soon as I called them.

“Do you both understand the risks involved?” I said.

“We do. We’ve discussed it and we’re willing to take that chance,” Buzz said.

“We don’t want to spend the rest of our lives as bees.” Honey nodded.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

The spell, which Winnie had found, was extremely complicated, and far from intuitive. It was hardly surprising that it was somewhat unpredictable. Still, if the bees were willing to take the risk, all I could do was to reverse it and hope for the best.

“Ready, guys?”

“Go for it.”

Moments later, two very happy fairies were hugging each other, and I sighed with relief.

“Thank you so much, Jill!” Honey said.

“You really should be thanking Winnie De Hoo. If she hadn’t found this spell, there would have been nothing I could have done.”

“Do you think we could go and thank her in person?”

“That might be difficult, but I’ll happily pass on your thanks.”

“I can’t believe we’re back to our old selves,” Honey said.

“I suppose I should start to call you Dale and Gail now,” I said.

“Nah,” Buzz said. “My old name is really boring. I’m going to stick with Buzz.”

“Me too,” said Honey.

“Okay, and will you be available if I need any more surveillance work?”

“You bet. Just give us a call.”

A few minutes later, Mad arrived with her mother in tow, and it was clear that Deli didn’t want to be there.

“This is a waste of time, Jill,” she said, even before I’d had the chance to greet her.

“Why don’t you both take a seat? I’ll get Jules to make us all a nice cup of tea.”

Somewhat reluctantly, Deli did as I asked, and I went through to the outer office and asked Jules to do the honours.

“Look, Deli,” I said. “No one knows better than me what a complete and utter prat Peter Petty is.”

“He’s more than a prat,” she snapped. “He’s a total—”

“Mother!” Mad glared at Deli. “Jill is trying to help you.”

“I don’t need any help. No offence, Jill.”

“None taken. When I saw you recently, you told me you hated retirement, and that you were bored out of your mind.”

“That’s right. That’s why I bought this business.”

“It makes no sense to throw it all away just because of some self-righteous idiot.”

“You didn’t hear what he said to me, Jill.”

“I don’t need to. I can guess. He spends half of his time in here, moaning about one thing or another. You just have to ignore him.”

“I did try, but he kept going on and on.”

“Is it really worth losing your business over this?”

“Who says I will?”

“Petty says he’s going to sue you, and I believe him. If he does, even if you were to win, the legal fees would destroy you.”

“Jill is right, Mum,” Mad said. “You know she is.”

“Do you really expect me to apologise to that snivelling little rat?”

“You have no choice,” I said. “You did try to throw him out of the window. It’s not like you have to mean it; just say the words.”

“I’m still not sure.”

“It will take you a few seconds, and then you can move on with your life. Surely, it must be worth it?”

She pondered on it for a little while but then nodded her head. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

“Great, in that case—”

The door flew open, and Petty came charging in.

Oh bum!

“I knew it!” he screamed at Deli. “I saw you get into the lift. How dare you show your face in this building after what you tried to do to me. I’m going to sue you for every penny you’ve got.”

Deli jumped out of the chair, and before Mad could stop her, she had Petty by the collar of his jacket.

“Listen here, you little roach, I’m going to end you.”

She dragged Petty across the office to the window, which she began to open.

Mad was out of her seat too, but before she could reach the two of them, they stopped dead in their tracks.

“What happened?” Mad said.

“It’s okay. I used the ‘freeze’ spell on them. It will only last a few minutes.”

“What then?”

“When she comes around, and while she’s still groggy, take your mother away.”

“What about Petty?”

“I’ll see to him.”

“What about him suing her?”

“I’ll sort that out too.”

As soon as the spell began to wear off, Mad led Deli out of the office. I grabbed Petty and sat him in the chair in front of my desk.

“That’s all settled, then,” I said.

“What is?”

“Now that Deli has apologised to you, we can all get on with our lives. I have to say, Mr Petty, I think it is very magnanimous of you to accept her apology in this way.”

“I did? I mean, yeah, well, someone has to be the bigger man.”

“Absolutely.”

***

Jack was already home when I got back from the office, and he met me at the door.

“There’s someone here to see you,” he said.

“Who? Not Grandma?”

“No, it’s Mr Flatley.”

“What does he want?”

“He wouldn’t say.”

“If it’s about that fence again, I’ll—”

“I don’t think it’s that. He seems upset about something.”

“Okay, but if I’m not out within fifteen minutes, you have to come and rescue me.”

“Will do.”

“And don’t forget this time.”

“I won’t.”

Flatley was seated in the armchair but stood up when I walked into the lounge.

“Jack said there was something you wanted to talk to me about.”

“Yes. It’s rather a sensitive matter.”

“You’d better sit down.”

“I actually wanted to talk to you in your capacity as a private investigator.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I need your help.”

“With what, exactly?”

“First, do I have your word that what I’m about to tell you won’t go beyond these four walls?”

“That all depends on what you tell me. Why don’t you just spit it out?”

“Okay, I’m going to have to trust you.” He took a few deep breaths. “My name isn’t Flatley. It’s Labone.”

“Right?”

“A few years ago, I was a witness in a high-profile trial. Afterwards, to protect me, I was given a new identity, and I began a new life with the name Flatley. At first, I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting someone to uncover my true identity. But, as time went by, I began to relax and enjoy life again.”

“I feel like there’s a but coming on.”

“But I fear someone may have found me.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know.”

He took out an envelope and handed it to me. Inside, was a slip of paper, on which was written a single word: Labone.

“When did you receive this?”

“It was on my doormat when I got up this morning. It wasn’t there when I went to bed last night.”

“I see. I think you should take this to the police.”

“I did, first thing this morning, but they said they couldn’t do anything on the strength of this note. They suggested I contact the people who helped me go undercover in the first place, but most of them are retired or dead.”

“What do you want me to do, exactly?”

“Find out who sent this and make sure they don’t do me any harm. I know you and I haven’t always seen eye to eye, Jill, but will you help?”

“Sure, but I’ll need to know everything about the original case.”

The next book in the Witch P.I. Mysteries series

Witch Is The Lamest Excuse Ever

(Witch P.I. Mysteries #52)

Who has discovered Flatley’s true identity, and will Jill be able to protect him? Jill is also determined to find out what happened in Middle Tweaking that eventually led to Myrtle Turtle’s untimely demise. Meanwhile, at the office, Winky has a new friend, but Jill is convinced he may not be what he seems to be.

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Website: AdeleAbbott.com

http://www.adeleabbott.com/