Plumbers don't get Pussy

(please be gentle in criciticsm or else ill never make pasta again!!)

I'm a pretty fucking weird guy. My parents were bonkers, my childhood home was insane and the things I played were (you guessed it) psycho. For some stupid reason the game console of choice for our household wasn't the PS2, the SNES or even a Dreamcast. Nooooo, my parents had to be weird and buy us a 3D0 console. There was barely any games to play on that thing so we were pretty much forced to cycle through Gex, John Madden, Lemmings and Night Trap. There was one other game but...after one fateful incident I was BANISHED from ever playing it again. And almost, the 3DO game console itself! The name of that game?

Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.

With a name like that, I can already tell a chill is sliding down your spine. Your mind must be racing with inhuman possibilities at what could be inside this messed up game. Now if I told you that the game was in FMV- Reader, control your screaming! I know you're reading this late at night with your parents snoozing and going shamimimimimi, yet if you make any more SCREAMS of terror, you'll wake them up. Everyone knows how dangerous it is to make daddy and mummy upset...

This sordid tale began when I was but a wee child of 17 years young. My dear daddy had just dashed in from the outside world and into our humble abode. He wiped off a torrent of sweat from his forehead and knelt in front of my mummy."I've returned from my travels my beloved! In my possession I have the groceries required for the most succelent of dishes!" My mummy took one look at him before shrugging her shoulders and getting back to cooking. "that's nice dear." "AND as for my beloved son, I have a gift for you." He spiralled towards me and sat himself down in front of me, holding out a neatly and professionally wrapped present. "Treasure it well. And play it well!" With rampant ferocity I opened my present and found what was inside.

A boxed copy of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.

I was blindsided almost immediately by the garish and bizarre cover. Telling me of all sorts of things that would appear in this game such as a nun, shower scenes, bad bosses, a panda and a plumber, amongst other things. I was going to be in for quite a strange and bizarre ride in this game and despite my apphrension, I knew that I needed to play it. J-just to satiate my curiousity of what the heck was even in this darn thing. Plugging the CD into the console and slapping the controller in, it was time for me to see what this game had in store. As soon as it started, I was greeted with the sight of a woman in a black dress. I presumed the immediate first challenge required to beat the game was to keep my eyes off of her beautifully endowed bosom and on her less than average face. At least her lips were quite the sight for sore eyes...(okay sorry I'm back, just needed to take "good time" break for a second). I couldn't focus on the words that spilled out of her mouth as I was transfixed with completing the challenege. Eventually I was rewarded with the sight of taking a good and long look at her cleavage. Realising where I was, I ran to the TV and held my body against so that my parents couldn't take a peek at what was on the screen.

After that challenging encounter, the title screen appeared in all of its ugly glory. Soon after that, I was forced to suffer through the beginning credits as inverted pictures of race cars plagued the screen. I felt my knees wibble and wobble and my tummy make a sound that was kinda like "uurhghhhhh". I had to ask my daddy to give me a hard back massage to keep me from getting sick. After he punched me in the back 20 times, I felt good enough to stomach the rest of it. But all of a sudden, a horrifying face of a middle aged woman appeared on the screen. I hawked up a big green loogie in fright as I tried to scream, the phlegm stopping me from alerting my parents of the ghastly thing on the screen. It soon disappeared in a Microsoft Powerpoint cut and the game began proper with a naked man in bed having a phonecall with his mother. She was pestering the lad about him not getting any woman onto his loin, even stooping so low as to call him a F slur (dm me for the word if you want to know). Once that conversation was over, I was flung into the next scene. Or rather, flung into the exact same scene but the genders were reversed with a half naked woman getting told by her daddy to get a man in her life.

So far...so boooooriiiiing. There was no excitement to be had in watching people have stupid conversations twice in a row! I wanted Gex, I wanted bing bang wahoo gameplay! I was almost at the point of taking out daddy's toolbox and going wild on the disk but to save myself from a horrific spanking, I curbed my tongue and hands and continued to watch Plumbers Don't Wear Ties  unfold. But then, the second most terrifying to happen in the game...happened. The man and lady decided to take a shower and the game made the awful and sickening decision to show off their naked and censored bodies! Thankfully because of the latter point, all that my daddy said when he witnessed the TV screen was "It truly leads the mind to wonder on how horror video games can become so frightening." Eventually the sordid scene ended and the two finally got dressed and decided to get to work. It was then that the two finally met and there I met with the narrator. He demanded for me to make a choice and to decide where the relationship for these two characters would start. Remembering the tall tales of how my mummy and daddy met, I made the choice to delay the meeting for a bit longer and let the woman go to a job interview. After all, I couldn't risk her getting fired so early into the game.

Little did I know that choosing to do was the worst thing I could've ever done...

When the woman entered the interview room and got to talking to the boss, I was presented with yet another decision. One where she gets the job, one where she doesn't...and one where the boss takes advantage. The game warned before picking that option that I need to be 18 or over to play that section. Looking left and right, I swiped my Dad's ID card to fool the game into letting me pick that option. My curiously young mind wondered just what exactly was so graphic for what could happen if I chose this option. As soon as it did, the boss screamed at the woman with an anger that only my daddy portrayed on late sunday nights when he doesn't have his cheesecake. He screamed over and over again for her to take her clothes off, his fists slamming into the desk in front of him until they turned bloody and purple. The narrator interjected with protest, chastising me for my horrible decision. It was then I was given one final choice. Let her be free...or let her do what she (presumably) wanted and accept his proposal. I...I couldn't deny her what she wanted so I simply pressed on her to do the latter option.

It was then that the most horrifying scene happened in both the game and in reality. The woman stripped down to her lingere as the boss sat slacked jawed in his seat, eyes bulging out his head comically and punching himself in the head with a boxing glove. Within seconds the boss had been stripped to his undies and the two were passionately slapping lips together on the desk. The noises the TV produced were at I could only estimate to be 87 decibels. It was then that my mummy decided to investigate and come into the room, with ham and cheese sandwiches that had the crusts cut off along with a glass of no pulp orange juice. The glass shattered onto the floor as she stood in shock and anger at the scene of me observing this sexual scene. "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" She screamed with pure might and fury.

"P-playing Plumbers Don't Wear Ties mummy!" I answered back.

"Heh, more like Plumbers Don't Get Pussy, amirite honey?" My dad replied, a laugh sneaking out of him.

My mummy then decided to grab a knife from the kitchen and STABBED the TV straight into the screen to prevent me from playing the game no more. Then, for the obscene comment that he made, she decapitated my daddy with the very same knife. Letting him bleed to death onto the floor, she yanked the game out of the console and broke it into pieces. Grabbing the largest shard, she held me down onto the floor and carved the word "NO" into my stomach. A harsh reminder to never play Plumbers Don't Wear Ties for the rest of my life. Ever since that incident, I've been mostly okay. We still talk now and again when we can and we've buryed the hatchet on that incident a long time ago. But I'll never forget the horror...the horror of witnessing the beginning to that sex scene. My mind can only ponder what could've been on that disk, the end result of that scene...(sorry guys I need to take another "good time" break from writing, this is the end of the pasta I hope you enjoyed!!)